Report 2:

Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Jennifer Funtanilla
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/409b-g23-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 2, 3, 11, 14 and 1.

The Question that I am answering is Question 2

(a) Contrast the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tanned in Gender issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband and James in the Unity Model of Marriage.

The unity model of Marriage is a model that is based on the research and visions of Emanuel Swedenborg, who was an 18^th century writer. The model focuses on gender relations within a marriage. At its core is the idea that men and women are complimentary to each other; just like a pen and a pen cap, yin and yang, or a baseball glove and a baseball.

This model also states that an individual is comprised of three levels: affective self, cognitive self, and sensorimotor self. The sensorimotor self involves one’s sensations, perceptions, and motor acts. The sensorimotor self involves behavior such as talking or conversation in the relationship, body language, being physical in a relationship (such as kissing, holding hands, having sex). The cognitive self involves thinking and reasoning in a relationship. The affective self involves one’s feelings and motivations while dating or in marriage.

The most important level amongst the three levels is the affective self because it is the part of an individual that maintains motivations according to our primary needs. The cognitive and sensorimotor self follow the affective self because our thinking and reasoning support our motivations and desires. Furthermore, our behaviors (or our sensorimotor self) is dictated by what we think.

The unity model states that men and women can form a special relationship if they are able to unite at all three levels of the threefold self. While that may sound easy to do, men and women are very different when it comes to being aware of their own feelings and motivations. Women tend to be the gender that is more aware of what they are feeling. This is why in society, women are thought to be the more emotional ones compared to men. The unity model also says that women are more likely to take time and effort in really trying to figure out how they are feeling and also what they want.

Men on the other hand, while they have the same amount of feelings and emotions as women, are not as aware of them nor are they willing to take the time to sort out what they feel or what they want. In fact, women can sometimes be more aware of a man’s feeling than he is himself. A woman innately has the skills to perceive her own feelings as well as a man’s feelings. This is why women are always stereotyped as being the ones who are always encouraging her man to be more in tune with his emotional side. In this case, she is striving to unite with her man through the affective level. When he resists her, he is inhibiting the relationship from growing into a more meaningful relationship.

In the unity model, women are already wanting to and prepared to conjoin to her man on all three levels. Men on the other hand are more prone to resist that unification. Therefore, it is up to him to want to unite with his woman on all three levels of the threefold self. When the man has given up all of his independence, he is in the position of being able to completely unite to his woman and become a whole new person with her.

In Tannen’s Gender Issues, she believes that power and solidarity between men and women are exemplified in discourse or language. The ways in which men and women interact verbally can either show opposition to each other or a way to support and become more intimate with each other.

She agrees to the fact that in society, men dominate women. Some people argue that men dominate women through verbal strategies such as interruption, volubility, silence, and topic raising. What she proposes, however, is that one cannot make the claim that these are ways in which men dominate women. She also makes the clear distinctions between intentions and effects during discourse between men and women.

Furthermore, some argue that women are powerless because they engage in verbal strategies such as taciturnity, silence, and tag questions. What Tannen argues is that one must carefully examine the context in which these verbal strategies are used as well as the speaking and listening styles of individuals. What may seem like a man dominating a woman because he is constantly interrupting her while she talks may actually be his way of validating what the woman is saying by acknowledging her verbally while she speaks to him. At the same time, however, an individual may use a verbal strategy with the intention of trying to make a connection when in fact he/ she may be having the opposite effect on the person he/ she is trying to connect with.

In Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, she takes the approach that in a marriage, women are obligated to provide for whatever her husband’s needs are, no matter what the task is. As long as a husband is not cheating or physically abusing his wife, and is supporting the family by working, a wife needs to do whatever it takes to keep her husband happy. Schlessinger believes that men are simple creatures with simple needs and women are way too complicated and sometimes ask too much of their husbands.

This model is the exact opposite of the unity model because the male is the one that is dominating the relationship. Furthermore, the bulk of the responsibilities within the marriage is placed on the woman. The woman needs to make the conscious decision and the effort to make the marriage work. Furthermore, this model contrasts the unity model because Schlessinger feels that women are too emotional and they need to learn how to control their emotions and not bombard their men with all of their emotional junk. Emotionally prodding her man is more detrimental in this model than it is beneficial.

Because of this imbalance of power within the relationship and the fact that women cannot unite emotionally with her husband, the marriage cannot fully reach its potential as far as having intimacy because in the relationship proposed by Schlessinger, feelings of resentment from the wife towards her husband are more likely to occur.

In Joshua Coleman’s The Lazy Husband, he strives to help married couples achieve equity in their relationship. His book mainly addressed women who were extremely desperate for help in trying to get their husbands to take on some responsibilities in the household. Basically, they were tired of the behaviors of their lazy husbands.

What he concluded was that the men needed to do the changing, but that task was going to be a hard battle to fight for the wives. Therefore, he proposes that in order for the wives to expect change, they were going to have to be the ones to take charge and initiate the change through various tactics. For example, one tactic that a woman could use is to increase her bargaining power by bettering herself. If she wants her husband to take her seriously about changing his ways, she could go back to school and get that degree she has always wanted. In this way, she begins to lessen her dependency on her husband, making him feel more and more like she can leave him if she really wanted to. Her husband is then put in a position so that if he doesn’t change, it’s not skin off his wife’s back if she leaves.

Another tactic Coleman suggests is that she lower her standards, especially when it comes to household chores. Sometimes, a husband and wife’s notion of clean may be completely different from each other. A wife needs to take into consideration that her standard of a clean bathroom may be unreasonable for her husband to do. Others ways that a woman could lower her standard is to simplify her meals by not having to cook elaborate meals every night or not have to clean as often.

This model of marriage follows the equity model of marriage where everything needs to be split fifty-fifty. This model, however, doesn’t quite mesh with the unity model of marriage because a lot of the responsibility for change in the marriage is placed on the woman. Furthermore, the man does not strive to unite with his woman because he doesn’t take the initiative to try to understand that she needs more help in the responsibilities of the relationship.

(b)

	James’, Unity Model of Marriage	Tannen’s, Gender Issues	Coleman’s, The Lazy Husband	Schlessinger’s, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Partner’s relinquish their independence	True	False	False	False
The man cooperates with the woman’s attempts to change him	True	n/a	False	False
Partners try to make each other happy	True	True	False	False
Men are open to change	True	True	False	False
The man strives to be emotionally united with his wife	True	n/a	False	False
Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas	True	n/a	False	False
The woman strives to be emotionally united with her man	True	n/a	True	False
The goal of the relationship is to unite as one	True	n/a	False	False
Each partner always have their partners emotions and feelings in mind.	True	False	False	False

(c) In my opinion, I feel that the most ideal of the models would have to be the unity model of marriage. I completely agree with the fact that men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions. No gender is void of any of that. The difference in the genders is the ways in which men and women express their emotions. Dr. Laura takes the stance that men are simple creatures and they don’t want to or have emotions to express. I completely disagree with that belief. I agree with Coleman in that he tries to help couples have a more equitable relationship. What I don’t agree with are his tactics in trying to achieve that, for instance having a woman increase her bargaining power by getting a higher education. I feel like that’s such a shallow way for a woman to get attention from her husband. If a wife has to resort to that in order to get her husband to do more work around the house, that’s ridiculous.

(d) By looking at the chart, if I had to choose which model I would want my relationship to be following, I would choose the unity model because the man and woman are striving to be unified; not to have a fifty fifty relationship or a male dominating relationship, but one that seeks to combine as one.

(e) I’ve always leaned more towards a relationship that follows the equity model of marriage, but as a result of studying the unity model of marriage, my views have changed. In the equity model, each partner is still the same person he or she was before the relationship started, but with the unity model, they are forever changed (in a good way) and are no longer alone in this world.

(f) While I’m not in a relationship at the moment, I look forward to meeting someone who will want to unite with me at all levels there are possible to be united between a man and a woman.

The Question that I am answering is Question 3

A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.

(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.

According to the unity model of marriage, the couple can have hatred for each other while seemingly happy to everyone else because the couple is only connected at the sensorimotor self. They kinds of activities that they are engaged in such as enjoying the same activities, having fun, and being popular with friends are activities relating to the sensorimotor self. I like to think of it as the superficial aspect of the relationship. According to the unity model, this is the most simplest level that a couple can be connected at.

When the couple is only connected at the sensorimotor self, they are not connecting with each other’s thoughts, feelings and motivations, which are parts of the cognitive and affective self. When the partner’s are not aware of each others thought, feelings, and motivations, they can become resentful of each other and show disrespect and hatred for each other. The underlying feelings of resentment and hatred can manifest in anger, and disrespectful behavior towards each other.

According to Lecture Notes, couples can become physically and mentally abusive towards each other. Usually, when they engage in this kind of behavior they are influenced by what is called “exploitative motivations.” The partners misunderstand or misinterpret their partners. The only way to alleviate this problem is to have control over our threefold selves as well. Being able to do this will allow for a better marriage.

(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self as explained in the Lecture Notes.

Married couples can reverse this flip flop cycle if they strive for the conjoint self within their marriage relationship. This principle states that, “…the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates.”

When a couple has achieved a conjoint self, this means that they are connected at all three levels of the threefold self: affective self, sensorimotor self, and cognitive self. When a couple takes their marriage vows, it does not necessarily mean that they are in the unity model of marriage. The couple needs to connect one by one at all three levels, starting with the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self, and finally, the affective self. This process may take years. Some marriages never reach the unity model.

At the sensorimotor level, there is an agreement between the two partners, but the agreement is external and is not an internal agreement. This might even mean that the partners don’t have respect for each other. An example of this might be a couple who enjoys being physical with each other but have no real emotional connection. They may or may not have respect for each other, but the bottom line is that their relationship has no real depth to it. At this level, the woman tends to be more uncomfortable because she is striving for a more meaningful bond with her man. A man at this level, however, is most comfortable because he can achieve physical satisfaction without him having to conjoin emotionally to his woman. At this level, he is more prone to exploit his partner because he could pretend to be emotionally connecting with her when in reality he is not. The only reason he puts on this façade his so that he can get what he wants, which is physical satisfaction. [Disclaimer!!! Not all men are like that!] Women strive to gain “togetherness” with her man, whereas a man strives to maintain his “selfhood and independence.”

According to the unity model, “Men have an inborn resistance to marital unity which they have to fight against most of their life.” They may engage in activities such as excluding their wives from activities that they may enjoy. They may also maintain external relationships with other women (for instance ex wives or ex girlfriends). He may also have boys night outs with this friends in order to escape his wife for a little while. All of these behaviors perpetuate his independence and inhibit mental intimacy with his wife.

According to the unity model, women have spiritual wisdom and love within her. A man on the other hand, has love within him as well, but it is overpowered by his external intelligence. When a man is able to let a woman’s spiritual wisdom and love in and also allow her to influence him, he becomes elevated at a level he has never experienced before. This experience allows him to unite with his woman as one.

Depth in a relationship comes when the couple can unite at the affective and cognitive self because this is where the individual’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations come into play. Through affective reciprocity, the couple unites eternally with each other. No longer are they individuals, but they now think, feel, love, desire, and set goals as one.

(d) The unity model says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview several women of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of 10-20 items highlight what the women have said about their experiences with men’s resistance to intimacy. Discuss the list and what it can be used for.

	Woman #1	Woman #2	Woman #3	Woman #4	Woman #5
Did your man have a hard time saying “I love you?”	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does you man like to about his feelings?	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your man feel that it’s okay to be friends with other girls?	Yes	No	No	No	No
Is your man willing to give up all of his independence to unite with you?	No	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your man feel that at times, sex can be just sex without intimacy?	Yes	Yes	No	No	No
Does your man show compassion anytime you need someone to talk to about problems you may be having?	No	No	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your man tell you everything?	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your man seek comfort from others other than you?	Yes	No	No	No	No
Do you feel that your man strives to understand your feelings, motivations, and goals?	No	No	Yes	Yes	Yes
Do you feel that you could be more mentally intimate with your man?	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes

According to the unity model, there is what is called “conjugial unity.” This idea states that there can be cojugial love between a man and a woman. Once again, this is only achieved through unity of the threefold self. Conjugial unity between a man and a woman is eternal. It does not break at death; it goes on forever.

According to my table, all of the women that I interviewed were in relationships that have the potential to be in the unity model, however, they aren’t exactly their yet. I also noticed that mental intimacy between the partners is more apparent in the relationships involving the older women. I guess that it is true that achieving unity at all three levels of the threefold self takes a long time and is an ongoing process.

My conclusion (after doing the interviews) is that men tend to be less likely to be mentally intimate with their partners. I do feel, however, that when they do realize that they have the right woman to share a life with, they will be more than willing to wean themselves off the independent lifestyle.

The Question that I am answering is Question 11

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as “sexual blackmail.” Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, form initial reaction now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?

Sexual blackmail falls under the male dominance model. In the male dominance model, the male is abusive either physically or mentally towards the female. He does not take any of her thoughts, feelings, motivations, or goals into consideration. As far as sex, the male expects his wife to have sex with him whenever and however he wants it because he feels that it is her obligation to do so. If she doesn’t, her man can threaten to seek physical satisfaction from another woman or threaten to leave her. A woman is made to feel slutty and like a prostitute. This is sexual blackmail.

According to the male dominance model, here were some assumptions that men have in regards to sex:

1) Women use their bodies as tools for controlling men

2) Married women have less interest in sex than unmarried men

3) Wives ought not to be sexually modest with their husbands

4) Unmarried women are “girl” who dress to show their thighs and breasts

5) Wives dress like Eskimos at home, hiding their thighs and breasts

6) Wives should think that when they say no to sex they are hurting a good man who wants to be faithful

7) When wives say not to sex they are depriving their husbands and are enforcing abstinence

8) It’s mean for a wife to say not to sex—it is like a husband refusing to have a conversation with her

9) Men need more sex and wives should provide it

Sexual blackmail goes against the unity model because the emphasis of the relationship is on the physical aspect. Furthermore, it places the woman in a subordinate position to the man. The relationship does not seek unification. It seeks satisfaction for the man.

Prior to taking this class, I have never heard of “sexual blackmail.” When I was exposed to this idea, I realized how horrible a relationship could be (especially for the woman) if sexual blackmail is involved. To me, the physical aspect of a relationship is the act of showing love to one another. While it provides wonderful physical sensations, there is more to it than that. I feel that if there is mental intimacy and unity, then physical intimacy will undoubtedly follow and be wonderful. Sexual blackmail, however, objectifies women and makes them feel as if their only purpose is to physically satisfy a man.

I am a girl who has strong opinions when it comes to being physically intimate with a man. There needs to be respect and compassion for each other before the relationship can become physical. After studying and discussing this concept of sexual blackmail, it strengthened what I believed in when it comes to the physical aspect of a relationship. Even though I am not in a relationship at the moment, I at least know what I want and don’t want in a relationship. I hope to be in a relationship where my partner respects my values.

When I spoke to some of my girl friend’s about this concept of sexual blackmail, they would get really upset. The one’s that got really upset were the ones that were in a relationship where the guy used them for sex.

I’ve also spoken to my father about this notion of sexual blackmail. He told me that when he was in the military, he came to the conclusion that there were two kinds of guys. The kind that respected women (if they were married, they were devoted and faithful to their wives throughout their time abroad with the military) and the kind that didn’t. My dad would say, “As far as the kind of guys who don’t have respect for women, he would trust them in combat, but would never trust them with his sister.” I kind of smirked when my dad said that, but at the same time, I also took it seriously and knew that it was true. I’m just really proud of the fact that my dad is a man of integrity especially when it comes to being faithful to my mother. I’m also glad that he teaches these values to my younger brother.

Housework

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS The husband is happy and willing to do house chores because doing so perpetuates the mental unity between him and his wife.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES The husband adheres to his wife’s standards of cleaning because he is striving to learn from her and to stay connected at the spiritual level	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES It doesn’t matter anymore that the husband dislikes doing house chores, he does it because he wants to better himself and his relationship with his wife.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS The husband helps out around the house in order to make his wife happy and to avoid fighting, but he really dislike doing it.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES The husband asks his wife if he is doing a good job with house cleaning and whether or not he can improve.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES He continues to clean only because he knows that he will get something in return
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband outright refuses to do house chores, and does not take into account his wife’s plead for help around the house	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES The wife continues, tirelessly, with her pleas for her husband to do more around the hosue.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES The husband does not give in to his wife’s pleas despite the fact that he knows that he is hurting her and the relationship

This is Table 1c

Jealousy

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband seek to lose their independence in order to place each other as their priority in life	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Both partners understand and are aware of the benefits of losing their independence and conjoining as one	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Neither partner feels jealousy .
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband and wife make come to a compromise as to what is acceptable in the relationship and what is not. There is give and take. For instance, if wife doesn’t want husband to talk to ex girlfriend anymore, but husband still does, they find a compromise.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Wife gives in and allows her husband to talk to his ex, but not as much as he used too.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES For the sake of not having to argue, they just decide to settle.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband does not allow his wife to go out with her girlfriends at all.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES The husband thinks that if does, she is more prone to meet another man. He continues to try to stop her from going out.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES He gives her an ultimatum. He will leave her if she continues to go out with girlfriends even though he knows that it’s making her unhappy.

This is Table 1c

Child rearing

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

level 3
UNITY
Rational
Mentality

RATIONAL
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS

Wife expresses concern that husband is not helping out with children as much as she’d like and he agrees to listen to her conerns.

RATIONAL
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES

He continues to listen to his wife and strives to change and help out more.

9
RATIONAL
AFFECTIVE
STATES

He helps out more with the kids without any resentment towards wife.

level 2
EQUITY
Sensuous
Mentality

4
SENSUOUS
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS

Wife expresses concern that husband is not helping out with children as much as she’d like and he starts to become defensive.

5
SENSUOUS
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES

He is only willing to help out more if he knows he will gain something in return

6
SENSUOUS

AFFECTIVE
STATES

He only continues to help out with the kids if he knows he will get something in return.

level 1
DOMINANCE
Corporeal
Mentality

1
CORPOREAL
SENSORIMOTOR
ACTS

Wife expresses concern that husband is not helping out with children as much as she’d like and he absolutely refuses to listen.

2
CORPOREAL
COGNITIVE
PROCESSES

He thinks that her requests are unreasonable

3
CORPOREAL
AFFECTIVE
STATES

He dismisses his wife requests and goes on with his life.

The Question that I am answering is Question 14

(a) Describe the unity model in relation to the eternal significance of marriage and the mental state of the couple’s three fold self.

The kind of love that the unity model of marriage is based upon is called conjugial love. It is an idea that was that was brought up by Emanual Swedenborg. Through his own visions as well as his interviews and research with married couples, he was able to come up with the unity model of marriage as well as this notion of conjugial love.

Conjugial love is the process of spiritual connection between a man and a woman and can only be experienced if the couple has united with each other at all three levels of the three fold self; sensorimotor self, cognitive self, and affective self. It is a conjunction of their thoughts and their spirits. This term should not be mistaken with conjugal love. The difference between the two is that in conjugal love, the bond or love between a man and a woman can be broken at death. Usually, when a couple gets married, during their wedding vows, they state, “…till death do us part.” And that is conjugal love. Conjugial love, on the other hand, transcends death. The love and bond between a man and a woman is to eternity.

When the couple has achieved conjugial love and are connected at all three levels, they will be able to be with each other in the spiritual world. For instance, if a wife passes away, her husband will be sad that he can no longer be with her physically, meaning that he can no longer touch her, kiss her, talk to her, etc. But he does not mourn her death because he knows that he will be with her in the spiritual world. Moreover, she is always with him even though he can’t see, feel, or hear her.

In order for the couple to be in the unity model of marriage, they must have mental intimacy with each other. As stated before, since the wife is already striving to unite with her husband at all three levels of the unity model, it is up to the husband to fight his urges to remain independent and try to develop mental intimacy with his wife. According to the unity model he must do two things:

1) He must stop adding to her mental distress, 2) He must start easing her mental distress

For a man to be able to develop mental intimacy with his wife, he must recognize the ways in which he is adding to his wife’s mental distress. Some examples may include, the husband saying no to her despite her pleadings, forgetting things that she wants him to remember, not coming to her rescue when he sees she is in distress, lies to her and hides things from her, puts limits around certain issues where she is given no power of influence, and even making sarcastic remarks that hurt her self-image. When he is able to recognize these things, he needs to cooperate with this wife and she will tell him how his behaviors are either creating separateness or developing intimacy. If a man is able to do this successfully, he will realize how sweet and passionate his wife is and the couple will never have to experience hatred or resent.

Furthermore, it is more likely now for the couple to achieve unity through the affective self. The goal is affective reciprocity. According to the unity model, it is the, “…basis for eternal unity between husband and wife.” When the couple is united at the affective level, they are now one mind with, “…conjoint feelings, loves, desires, or goals.” The only way for affective reciprocity to be broken is if one of the partners excludes the other in anyway. For example, not having the same thoughts, or not including the partner in certain activities, etc.

(b) Describe any resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, (i) the idea of unity as a higher state of life than all others, (ii) the eternal significance of marriage, (iii) Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven.

(i) I had no real resistance to the idea of unity as a higher state of life than all others because I believe that if you can connect with another person in this world at all levels there are possible, the unity gives birth to something new, wonderful, and exciting. I’ve never experience that feeling before, but I do believe that it is possible. I don’t think that there is any other experience that could top that.

(ii) I had no strong objections to the idea of the eternal significance of marriage because I do believe that there is life after death and that we don’t just vanish into thin air once we die. The only thing that I had some resistance to at first was if a husband or wife remarries. According to the unity model, if a couple has reached the unity model but (say for instance) the husband dies and the wife remarries, she will never reach the unity model with her new husband. The way I perceived it was that the wife could love her new husband, but never in the way she loved her first husband.

(iii) I had some pretty strong objections to Swedenborg’s observation’s of marriages I heaven because it meant that he would have been able to go to the spiritual world and back to the physical world. To me, it seemed a little far fetched because anybody can say that they have gone to the spiritual world and made up visions that they saw. To me, I’m still a little skeptical.

Whenever I tell my friends or family about the topic of my PSY 409 class, they get this really weird look on their face. I tell them that we’re learning about the unity model of marriage and that usually generates curiosity. I end up having to tell a brief summary of what its about. By the time I get passed describing the three fold self, they get even more confused. By the time I’ve finished describing the visions and researches of Swedenborg, they’re usually staring at me with a blank stare on their face or probably thinking to themselves, “Thank goodness I’m not taking that class because it sounds a little psycho!”

(d) How has the unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think class members acquire when studying the unity model in this course?

The unity model of marriage has definitely opened my eyes to the kinds of wonderful experiences a man and woman can experience if they unite with each other on all levels. It has also strengthened my beliefs when it comes to the physical aspect of a relationship. I value my body and therefore, I look for a partner who respects my values and my body. Learning about sexual blackmail only strengthened those values.

I think that the women in our class who were married were the ones who benefited most from the class because they were able to evaluate which model of marriage their relationship was in whether it be the male dominance model, equity model, or unity model. As far as the students who were not in any relationship, I think they benefited by being able to hear the stories of their classmates who were in relationships and they could learn from their experiences. For those that took the unity model to heart, I feel that they were in a position to improve their relationships with their partner. My only hope is that their partners were willing to strive for the unity model as well.

(e) Anything else you have to say.

I’m just glad that I wasn’t in a relationship while taking this course because I think that I would have been analyzing every move that my man was doing.

The Question that I am answering is Question 1

(a) It is sometimes wrongly asserted that men have less feelings than women. Show that this is not true by discussing the threefold self and the role of the affective in relation to the cognitive and sensorimotor.

As I have stated earlier in this report, the unity model states that men and women can form a special relationship if they are able to unite at all three levels of the threefold self; the sensorimotor self, cognitive self, and affective self. The sensorimotor self involves the overt behavior between a man and woman. The cognitive self involves the thinking and reasoning that each partner engages in during the relationship. Finally, the affective self, involves our feelings and motivations during the relationship.

Men and women are very different when it comes to being aware of their own feelings and motivations. Women tend to be the gender that is more aware of what they are feeling. According to the unity model, a woman innately has the skills to perceive her own feelings as well as a man’s feelings. This is why in society, women are thought to be the more emotional ones compared to men. The unity model also says that women are more likely to take time and effort in really trying to figure out how they are feeling and also what they want. They already want to try to connect at all three levels of the unity model.

Men on the other hand, while they have the same amount of feelings and emotions as women, are not as aware of them nor are they willing to take the time to sort out what they feel or what they want. In fact, women can sometimes be more aware of a man’s feeling than he is himself. This is why women are always stereotyped as being the ones who are always encouraging her man to be more in tune with his emotional side. In this case, she is striving to unite with her man through the affective level. When he resists her, he is inhibiting the relationship from growing into a more meaningful relationship.

According to the unity model, men are more prone to resist that unification with his woman. Therefore, it is up to him to want to unite with his woman on all three levels of the threefold self. When the man has given up all of his independence, he is in the position of being able to completely unite to his woman and become a whole new person with her.

(b) Illustrate your argument with examples that come from (i) personal life and from the media

People often say that men have less feelings than women, but that is not true. Men and women have the same amount of feelings. What is different is the ways in which we express those feelings. For example, a man and woman can experience a death in the family. Both are feeling the same grief just as the other is, but the woman chooses to cry for hours. The man on the other hand, chooses to keep silent and goes to the golfing range alone. One might think that because the man doesn’t cry, he has no feelings or emotions, but that is not true. He is just grieving differently.

In my own personal experience, when my grandfather passed away, we were all grieving in our own ways. From what I remember, however, the women were the ones that cried the most. The men usually just stood in silence with a mournful look on their face, but we were all feeling the same loss.

In the media, I remember watching a movie where a couple was watching a sad movie. The girl cried throughout the entire movie, but the guy didn’t. Furthermore, he was silent for a very long time after the movie ended. The girl was a little stunned to see that her boyfriend wasn’t at all affected by the movie and she thought that he had no heart. In actuality, he was feeling the same things, just not expressing them in the same ways. This is a common scenario that you see in a lot of media.

(c) Do men and women have the same awareness of (i) their own feelings and (ii) their partner’s feelings—how do they differ?

Men and women do not have the same awareness of their own feelings. Women are the ones who are more in tune to what they are feeling because they actually spend time trying to figure out how and why they are feeling the way they are. Men on the other hand, don’t spend much time contemplating how or why they are feeling the way they are. Furthermore, women are considered to be experts at picking up how their partner is feeling.

(d) How does this difference affect the dynamic and progress of the relationship?

Because there is a difference between men and women in the levels of awareness of one’s emotions as well as their partners, the woman is always motivated to prod her man to become more in tune with his feelings. The man usually resists this prodding, but if he eventually allows his woman to guide him, he can achieve affective reciprocity with her.

(e) I really do think that in society, we shouldn’t look at men as having less feelings. I feel that it is essential for everyone to understand that men and women just express their emotions differently. Maybe it is a good thing that a man doesn’t cry at all the same things a woman cries for because a woman needs a strong shoulder to cry on. If both genders were alike in all ways then there would be no dynamic, no compatibility, and no reciprocity.

My Report on the Previous Generation

Report 2 by Hiroki Kikuchi

Kikuchi answered questions 3, 6, 5, 12, and 8. Kikuchi answered question #3 in a very concise manner. She did a very good job at describing the three models of marriage; unity, equity, and dominance. She also did a very good job at describing the three fold self. I was also impressed by Kikuchi’s use of the ennead charts and being able to incorporate her own ideas within the chart. Kikuchi also acknowledged her own relationship and that it was in the equity model. I felt that Kikuchi was very open minded to the idea of the unity model and was very amazed at the relationship between Dr. James and his wife.

I really enjoyed reading her answer for question 12 in which she needed to use examples of different TV programs. She used Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Family Guy. She managed to describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor self in a very concise manner.

Finally, she gave very good advice to other students who are working on reports. The advice that she gave is the same advice I too would give to other students.

Report 2 by Patrick Greer

The questions that Greer answered were 3, 12, 6, 8, and 1. Greer was very open minded to the idea of the unity model, however, he warns that one must be aware that the mind can play tricks on an individual and make them think that they are in the unity model when they really aren’t. This could have a very negative affect on the relationship. He feels that it is important to have a third party to keep an eye on this.

I also enjoyed reading through his choice of TV programs in answering question 12. He used Friends, South Park, and King of Queens. Greer had very strong opinions about these TV programs. He described that he was shocked that society would even allow some of these scenes to be on air. He says that he can’t watch TV for too long because he starts to become enraged at what he sees. He also stated that in American society, the male dominance model seems to be the dominant model. I though that was a very interesting thought.

Geer also gives very good advice to future students. He even gave advice about the oral presentations, which I thought was very important because most students only give advice about doing the reports when the oral presentations are just as important. He also made this statement, “The unity model is not female domination of men -- figuring this out early will help to understand the class.” I felt that this was very important concept to acknowledge, and I’m glad that he stated that in his conclusion.

Report 2 by Nancy Miyake

Nancy Miyake answered questions 3, 6, 7, 11, and 12. Miyake had a very hard time accepting the unity model because she felt that the ideas were a little far fetched. I noticed that many of her questions were not answered in detail. Some of questions were not even answered at all. It kind of made it difficult for me to understand her view points or even what she was able to learn in class.

In the end, she gives the advice to follow instructions carefully because Dr. James is meticulous. I agree with this statement. She also advises that since the topic is on marriage and relationships, for some students this might be too touchy of a subject. She advises that one should keep an open mind in class and they should do fine.

Advice for Future Generations

Wow!!!! I am so glad that I am writing this final section of Report 2. My advice for future generations is that they do not procrastinate. While the tasks may seem tedious, working on things slowly but efficiently will only be more helpful to you in the long run. There is A LOT of work in this class and it is to be expected since it is a 400 level class. I suggest that every weekend, set aside an hour or two to devote to this class. Don’t wait till the last minute to finish everything because I guarantee you that you won’t be able to finish it. It’s too much work to do in one sitting.

I also suggest that you take notes during class. It is easier than having to go through all of your books or lecture notes to answer a certain question for the report. I also suggest that you make friends with your classmates, or at least exchange contact information so that if you get frustrated or get stuck on a particular assignment, you can have someone to ask for help or to vent to.

Finally, be open minded when you take this course. At first, you might think that what you are studying is absolutely ludicrous, but you MUST keep an open mind. If you do, you are in a better position to learn.

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My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/funtanilla/home.htm