Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity model of Marriage
By Tracy Peters
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/409b-g23-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 1, 2, 3, 8, and 11.
The Question I am answering is Question
1:
(a) Sub-Section: It
is sometimes wrongly asserted that men have less feelings than women. Show that
his is not true by discussing the threefold self and the role of the affective
in relation to the cognitive and sensorimotor.
Gender behavior in marriage in the Unity Model is divided in three domains called the threefold self. The individual’s affective self operates the feelings and motivations we maintain in dating or marriage relationships. The cognitive self operates the thinking and reasoning we do in these relationships. The individual’s sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender relationships. The motor acts that Dr. Leon James is referring to in his Unity Model are the overt verbal behavior such as discourse, talk, and non-linguistic behaviors such as expressions, appearance, and style.
The affective operations guide and influence the direction of operations in the cognitive self, so how we think is justified by how we feel in most situations in our relationships. Therefore, it can be said that what we do and say is the result of what we think, which is the result of how we feel according to Dr. Jame’s Unity Model of marriage.
(b)Sub-Section: Observations
(i) Sub-division: My
Personal Observations
I believe that men have the same amount of feelings as women,
but they are socialized most of the time from childhood to suppress these
emotions because they are viewed as non-masculine by traditional society. There are many stereotypes that label boys
and men in our society. For example the old saying “big boy don’t cry”. I know from personal experience that men and
boys have just as many feelings as women and girls. I grew up in a traditional
family where boys were not allowed to cry and if they did they were ridiculed
because of it.
For example my brother is the youngest in our family of three older sisters and I observed him disclose equal emotion in situations, but he expressed it differently because of his socialization by my father and mother. My brother displayed more aggressive emotions when he was sad, angry or hurt. In contrast my sisters and I displayed more appropriate emotions that define sad, angry, happiness and hurt.
(ii) Sub-Division: Media Observations
Among movies and shows for women also known to many men as “Chick Flicks” entails a story line that meets women as the general audience on an emotional level sometimes I refer to as experiencing “an emotional roller coaster” because it affects many women such as myself as if it were a real life experience sometimes. The majority of men however are evasive towards these particular movies that entail femininity which is foreign to the average male. However, men are extremely emotionally involved in aggressive movies such as war movies, fighting movies, and violent related shows or other related action movies and shows.
There are many commercials today on television that are playing are the men’s psyche by trying to manipulate their feelings by displaying provocative women on advertisements in order to sell a product that are trying to reach a general male audience. These exploitative feelings towards the opposite sex is one of the stereotyped gender behaviors of the affective self. For example, there is one commercial for Carl’s Junior that tried to reach males by displaying a sexually explicit advertisement of Paris Hilton eating a Carl’s Junior hamburger while she washed a car. In addition according to my husband who is obsessed with reading car magazines tells me that women are always in the magazines either appearing with a particular popular car or in the advertising section of the magazine.
(c) Sub-Section: My
Personal Observations
In my opinion women and men are equally aware of their own feelings. Women are comfortable displaying their feelings and talking about their feelings to others including their marriage partner or friends. Therefore, I believe that women wear their feelings out on their sleeves. I myself display my feelings through my expressions, body language and speech patterns on a daily basis. However, my expressions and body language do not always resemble the way I feel accurately. Women tend to want to verbalize their feelings and seek validation for their feelings not necessarily solve the problems that create these feelings.
(i) Sub-Division: Do
Men and Women have the same awareness of their own feelings?
Men are accustomed to suppressing their feelings and avoiding others recognition of these feelings even though they are quite aware of how they feel. Men do not disclose their feelings to others in fear of appearing less masculine, however they do acknowledge and deal with their feelings by spending time alone and rationalizing how to deal with these emotions and accessing on how to deal with the troubling situation.
(ii) Sub-Division: Do
Men and Women have the same awareness of their partner’s feelings?
In my opinion and experiences women do not have an accurate sense of men’s feelings because many times we exaggerate how we perceive men might feel when they may not feel a particular way at all. There are times when I perceive my husband to be upset, but in fact he is just deeply involved in a particular task or thought. Other times I might expect my husband to get upset in a situation that I usually get upset, but I usually end up experiencing different feelings than my husband in many situations. However, Dr. Leon James believes according to his Unity Model that women tend to be more aware of the man’s feelings and motivations than the men are of their own feelings and motivations.
According to Dr. James women tend to specialize in becoming aware of feelings and emotions of their partner. In addition, women are motivated to practice more than men in focusing consciously on feelings in gender relationships. The woman is motivated to prod her man to become more aware of his and her feelings and motivations. The man tends to resist this “affective prodding” and finds it unpleasant and objectionable according to Dr. James model. I agree that some men try to keep feelings suppressed within them and they usually may feel insecure or too vulnerable if they share their feelings. Men tend to keep things realistic and don’t look for innuendos in conversation like women do. Therefore, I think that sometimes we women look too hard for what is not there and then get upset when we are not right about our mans feelings.
(d) Sub-Section: How
do differences affect the dynamics and progress of the relationship?
According to Dr. James Unity Model of Marriage differences in feelings creates a constant strain on the developing relationship. The woman feels that the man doesn’t want to commit and is resisting the process of conjunction, which is maintaining the couple in a state of division and conflict that is not totally satisfying to the woman. According to Dr. James both men and women can gain understanding of the initial oppositeness between the sexes—women striving to conjoin, men resisting the process. The analysis of how men and women talk to each other reveals this dynamic opposition between men and women.
I think that differences between men and women can be a good thing and may make the relationship more interesting in the long run. Having some conflict in a relationship is healthy as long as it’s doesn’t go too far. I think if my husband and I always thought and felt alike or he always agreed with me we would never have the fantastic debates that we have and our relationship would be boring! Being different and having opposing opinions of some things doesn’t destroy a relationship or marriage in my opinion, but rather it’s the large and important differences that may be devastating to a relationship. For example, differences in raising the kids, politics, money, monogamy can cause the marriage to fall apart.
(e) My Thoughts
Overall I strongly feel that men and women have equal amount of feelings, but rather we express them differently. My hope is that in the near future men will feel more comfortable expressing them in conversation like women do because it’s the best way to communicate. Sometimes I feel like I have to read into my husband’s feelings because he doesn’t really disclose them much to me unless I ask. However, I still question why he looks upset or angry when he may not feel that way. I’m sure feelings are quite confusing to men more than women because we women are more forthcoming about our feelings and feel comfortable disclosing them.
Sometimes I wish that I could be like my husband and not put too much thought into the way I feel because it upsets me further. It’s really hard for me when I can’t talk about me feelings because they get so bottled up inside of me that I feel like I am going to explode! My husband is such a wonderful man that he will listen to me for hours talk about my feelings even though I don’t want a solution to help. I know that this might drive him crazy even if he doesn’t tell me so. I also have a bad habit of repeating myself when I talk about something that I am upset about and sometimes he does have to remind me when I have already told him something because I could go on forever.
My recommendation to women and myself would be to start writing some of these feelings down in a journal because it’s hard to disclose all of them to your significant other because it might take a while. I know from personal experience that writing them down does help and then I can just focus on telling my husband about the important things going on with me and how I feel about them instead of dumping everything on him that is insignificant.
The
Question I am answering is Question 2:
(a) Sub-Section: Contrast the four views of gender relationships
expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband, and Swedenborg in Conjugial Love.
Interruption between Men and Women
(i) Tannen on Interruption
Tannen’s claim is that what may be interrupted as interruption is actually what she calls, “overlap”. During “overlap” a person may speak along with the person talking to them in order to validate what they are saying and to show that they are involved and enthusiastic with the conversation.
(ii) Schessinger on
Interruption
Dr. Laura’s claim on interruption would validate the husband’s motivation to interrupt his wife if he has an opposing view on a situation or feels that his wife is infringing on his rights to speak. However, she would not be in favor of the wife interrupting the husband because she feels he deserves more respect because he works for a living and the wife should be grateful to him for do so.
(iii) Coleman on Interruption
Joshua Coleman’s view on interruption is against men and women. Neither gender should feel the need to interrupt in conversation, but rather share the exchange of their ideas equally. Men and women think differently so there has to be a common ground or compromise that is established through communication between the two. Women feel disadvantaged in conversation with men because women expect more reciprocity and consideration in listeners. Men listen differently than women, which can lead her to think he is not listening. There is a misunderstanding when women want to understand and a man responds with advice.
(iv) Swedenborg on
Interruption
When a couple reaches the unity state in heaven and they experience conjugial love for one another the husband can anticipate the wife’s feelings and thoughts. Therefore there is no place for interruption in life after death as long as the partners are conjoined in this heavenly state.
(v) Dr. James on Interruption
The unity model of marriage does not allow for interruption for either partner because they are conjoined as one and can anticipate each others feelings and thoughts. It is only in the sensorimotor and cognitive levels where the husband may still interrupt his wife because he is trying to resist mental intimacy with her and remain independent.
Control between Men and Women
(i) Tannen on Control
Tannen’s view on control in relationships involves two different styles of speaking. The first is the “high involvement” style which is observed when an individual begins speaking while another speaker is currently speaking. The second is the “high considerateness” style which is observed when an individual hesitates, falters, or stops talking while another speaker is speaking. Tannen claims that “high involvement speakers place their priority on the need for positive face in order to show involvement and it is an exercise not of power or control, but of solidarity. In contrast, Tannen claims that “high considerateness” speakers place more emphasis on serving the need for negative face in order to not impose. These speakers often feel interrupted and controlled or dominated during conversation.
(ii) Schlessinger on Control
Dr. Laura would say that women in relationships have a great deal of power and control and they should not abuse it by hurting their men. Dr. Laura feels that men are the victims in the relationship because women have the tools to make their husbands pay by not giving their husbands sex and staying at home to do their duties as a wife.
(iii) Coleman on Control
Dr. Coleman feels that both women and men have control in the relationship in their own domains. Women have the control of the household and men have the control of everything outside of the household. If either husband or wife wants to enter either partner’s domain they should negotiate with their partner about it first.
(iv) Swedenborg on Control
In heaven control is not an issue in the relationship because the couples are in a state of conjugial love and are united as one body and soul.
(v) Dr. James on Control
In the unity model and affective level, which is the deepest level the husband gives up his power and control voluntarily to his wife and she leads the way for both of them. Control is only illustrated in the sensorimotor and cognitive level of development because the husband is still trying to hold onto his independence to remain separate from his wife.
Appearances between Men and
Women
(i) Tannen on Appearance
Tannen illustrates her thoughts about appearance in relation to how men and women balance status and connection at work. According to Tannen when two men interact, they tend to use vulgarity, expertise, denying the need for help, and bonding against women to connect to each other. Men usually do not smile as often as women in interactions and are not criticized for it. In contrast, women focus more on compliments, clothing, shopping, and expressive intonation when talking amongst other women. Women are expected to smile more than men. If a woman does not smile, she is often seen as too severe and lacking a sense of humor.
(ii) Schlessinger on Appearance
Dr. Laura feels that when it comes to appearance men need visual stimulation in the form of naked women to be sexually fulfilled. Therefore, wives should work to keep themselves looking reasonably attractive for their partners in order to meet his need. According to Dr. Laura while men do not need a centerfold wife, they do want to be attracted to her and so it is her responsibility to keep up her appearance for him. This should come in the form of dressing nicely for him, keeping your weight under control, making sure your makeup is fresh before he gets home, and seducing him with sexy clothes every once and a while.
(iii) Coleman on Appearance
Dr. Coleman may view appearance as both partners responsibility towards each other. Both partners should exercise and look after themselves. However, both partners should be realistic about what they expect from each other about their appearance because there are other reasons that both partners got married and it’s not based on how each other looks for the majority of couples.
(iv) Swedenborg on Appearance
In the heavenly state each partner recognizes one another if they shared conjugial love on the unity level of marriage. Appearance is not all that relevant and each partner only feels truly chaste with one another.
(v) Dr. James on Appearance
In a unity-centered relationship, partners live by the motto ‘everyday I’m yours more and more.’ This means, together they agree with each other on everything, passion increases on into eternity until they become enlightened into spiritual unity. Therefore, appearance is not the foundation of the marriage and is irrelevant when it comes to achieving spiritual unity in heaven.
(b) Sub-Section: Contrasts between Gender Views
|
|
Tannen |
Schlessinger |
Coleman |
Swedenborg |
Dr. James |
|
Interruption is dominance |
NO |
NO |
NO |
YES |
YES |
|
Is child rearing women’s
work? |
NO |
YES |
YES |
YES |
YES |
|
Negotiation and Division of
labor |
YES |
NO |
YES |
NO |
NO |
|
Allows |
YES |
YES |
YES |
NO |
NO |
(c) Sub-Section: My
Personal Opinion
I feel that interruption may be perceived as dominance at
times in conversation depending on the person’s intent, but most of the time I
feel that it may be overlap like Tannen describes. I myself interrupt at times, but only to show
my involvement in the conversation. I
feel that child rearing is not just women’s work even though women are assumed
to be the nurture’s. I think that men
can also nurtures if they wanted to.
Negotiation and division of labor usually occur in my relationship,
which is the equity model of marriage and I am pretty happy with this level as
of right now.
(d) Sub-Section: My
View Compared with the Chart
My views are similar to Tannen’s, and Coleman’s views about these ideas because they represent more of the equity model of marriage rather than the dominance or unity model.
(e) Sub-Section: How
are my ideas influenced by these perspectives?
Tannen makes a great deal of sense with her perspectives on communication, and she even admits that at times dominance rears it’s ugly head. I agree with her about many of the different speaking styles in conversation and about the overlapping because I think I do this a great deal. Dr. Laura frustrates me a great deal with her male dominant view points, but because I was raised around this attitude it’s hard not to accept some of it and practice it. However, I am definitely not a traditional type of women because even though I love to cook, and some day have kids I want to be able to have a career house side of the house and share responsibility with my husband for external and internal work. I have not reached unity in my relationship and I am not sure I will, but it’s a great goal and it’s worth pursuing.
(f) Sub-Section: My
Thoughts
I enjoyed learning about each and every one of these different perspectives. I feel they have all contributed to my life in one way or another because it helps me learn and develop in my own marriage and decide what kind of marriage I really want for the rest of my life and for eternity.
The Question I am answering is Question
3:
A Husband and wife
seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun,
being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement
and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.
(a) Sub-Section:
Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use
some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
This display of negative behavior can happen if the couple has not experienced the marriage relationship called the conjoint self. The individuals threefold self in gender relationships is a joint product of biology, socialization, culture, and spiritual make up. As children we acquire the relationship style of our parents, other adults, and the media. By the time we begin adolescent or adult relationships, we have been exposed to years of stereotyped gender behaviors in all three domains of the threefold self. These patterns of gender behavior create an atmosphere of discord and conflict even as the partners strive to love each other and become a functioning and satisfying unit.
(b) Sub-Section: How
can married partners reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs
again.
According to the “unity model of marriage, the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and not longer operates. The “conjoint self” refers to a husband and wife who have achieved unity at all levels of the threefold self. Each individual has been changed dropping off some traits and acquiring new ones that can fit together. This is called growing together in reciprocity.
(c) Sub-Section: Data
that confirms that men are resistant to mental intimacy
Women #1 22 years old: “Men are nothing, but all hands and no heart”
Women #2 40 years old: “In my experience, men lack understanding and compassion”
Women#3 18 years old: “I haven’t had much experience, but I’m not impressed”
Women #4 25 years old: “Men don’t like to connect”
Women #5 30 years old: “Men are stupid when it comes to romance”
Women #6 50 years old: “If you are not talking to him about money, you are not talking to him”
Women #7 45 years old: “Men seem to always find a way to push my buttons”
Women #8 23 years old: “I think romance, he thinks sex”
Women #9 20 years old: “Men and intimacy don’t mix”
Women #10 33 years old: “I can’t get enough of men, but they seem to get too much of me”
Women #11 26 years old: “When try to get close to my boyfriend, he takes two steps back”
Women #12 31 years old: “I don’t think men know what mental intimacy is”
Women #13 20 years old: “It would be a miracle to be intimate with my boyfriend”
Women #14 25 years old: “Intimacy means compassion and love and I don’t know any men that have those qualities”
Women #15 32 years old: “I’m not surprised by how resistant men are to intimacy”
(d) Sub-Section: What
this list can be used for
I was able to obtain many statements from varies women on men’s resistance to intimacy and I feel that this list shows that men are still stuck in the dominance or equity mind set where they don’t want to share their significant others thoughts and emotions. This list confirms that men are still to this day resisting being united with their partners in every way because they want to keep their independence on all levels. However, with this attitude these men and women in their relationships will not be able to reach unity. This list can be used to judge perspective of women of today in order to determine how they feel about not being able to share intimacy with their partners and if it is a goal of theirs to do so.
(e) Sub-Section: My
Thoughts
It’s a shame that these women felt like they couldn’t achieve intimacy with their partners or past partners in their relationships. It’s still a dominance world to some extent where the men are trying to keep themselves separated from their partners intimately in order to keep their independence. However, intimacy can make a relationship stronger and last longer if men just gave into it, but only time will tell.
The Question I am answering is Question
8:
(a) Sub-Section:
Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field
Observations. It lists Areas of Observations for observing interactions between
the partners in a couple.
Here are some possible
areas of observation for the threefold self of husband and wife.
Section 17. This is Table 5
Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor
UnityZones 1, 4 ,7
1.
Who gets to hold and control the TV remote
2.
Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch
3.
Who chooses what restaurant to go to
4.
What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes,
body shape, hair, etc.
5.
How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other
regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others
6.
How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their
cognitive and affective self
7.
What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how
do they act and react
8.
How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home,
sitting beside each other
9.
What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together
10. What are their
preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting
11. Who changes topics in a
conversation or introduces new topics
12. Who is attentive to the
other
13. Who doesn't answer,
looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out
14. Who yells, expresses
angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things
15. Who marks dates,
events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers
16. etc.
Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8
1.
What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls
whom, when, and how
2.
How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship
(i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)
3.
What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other
(e.g., when trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties,
personality traits)
4.
What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g.,
dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them,
etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is
interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)
5.
What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without
resolution of the problem
6.
How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding
God and their being together in the afterlife
7.
How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced
by each other's ideas
8.
How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding
things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking
guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)
9.
How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion
decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or
"Wives tend to nag" or "Husands need thier own hobbies"
etc.
10. etc.
Areas of Observation for
Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9
1.
How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one
of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events,
preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)
2.
How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of
everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.
3.
How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling
free to raise and talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate
all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other,
and so on)
4.
What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or
not
5.
How much do the partners abuse or hurt each other (e.g., retaliation,
punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or
disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)
6.
How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being
romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)
7.
How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can
(e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies,
house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own
(e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping
separately)
8.
How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her
Ideal Man?
9. etc.
(b) Sub-Section: Use some
of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple
you know, or you and your partner as a couple.
(i) Sub-Division: Areas of
Observation for Zones 1, 4, and 7
Observation #1
My relationship with my husband falls under Sensorimotor Equity for the
observation of who gets hold and control the TV remote. My husband and I usually negotiate this by
deciding that the person who show is on gets the remote. Therefore, my husband and I take turns
picking the show to watch and we share the remote.
Observation #2
My relationship with my husband falls under Sensorimotor Unity for
the observation of who chooses what restaurant to go to for dinner. I usually always want Mexican food therefore
my husband allows me to decide where we are going to go. My husband does not try to control making
these decisions, but in fact wants me to be happy with the place to eat so he
goes along with me. I’m not sure if this
is quite unity, but my husband is wonderful by going along with it even when he
may be sick of Mexican food.
(ii) Sub-Division: Areas of
Observation Zones 2, 5, and 8
Observation #1
My husband and I fall under Cognitive Equity because we use the
“equity philosophy” in our relationship by dividing up household chores and
money and other events going on in hour lives.
My husband every Friday cleans the upstairs and I clean the downstairs
every Friday in our house. Even though
my husband is the only one working he divides up the money he makes and has an
allotment sent to my account every month.
Other duties are also negotiated on and divided up equally so that one
of us isn’t doing too much work compared to the other.
Observation #2
My relationship with my husband resembles Cognitive Unity regarding
how we agree about God and our being together in the afterlife. We both think and agree that we will be
together after we die because of our faith in each other and God. We believe that our love is strong enough and
great enough to find each other after we die.
(iii) Sub-Division: Areas
of Observation Zones 3, 6, and 9
Observation #1
My relationship with my husband at times may resemble Affective
Unity because my husband and I are very romantic and passionate towards
each other. My husband has always made
me feel special buy surprising me with little gifts here and there, remembering
important days like my birthday and our anniversary. When my husband has to go away on deployment
because he’s in the military he never forgets to show me how much he misses me
by sending flowers, candy and calling me as much as he can. Most important though my husband listens and
tries to understand how I feel, which means the most in our relationship. I remember my husband’s birthday and other
events that are important to him. I
spend all of my free time with him and I let him know by my behavior and words
that he is the only one for me and how much I appreciate everything he does for
me.
Observation #2
My husband and I experience Affective Equity in our relationship
because even though we spend a great deal of time together we do spend time
apart with our own friends and do other activities apart. For example, not husband enjoys going over to
a buddies house or our own and working on a car with his friends. I enjoy hanging out with a couple of my
friends at their houses occasionally.
This time apart sometimes gives us a break from each other and we can
still be sociable with other people and keep some of those connections. However, neither of us have opposite gender
friends that we hang our with because we don’t agree with this.
(c) Sub-Section: How do
these data help you in assessing the quality of the relationship in relation to
the nine zones of the unity model?
The data regarding my observations of my relationship reflect a strong
desire towards each partner in the relationship and maybe a chance of
establishing unity some day. However,
there are still many issues that need to be overcome in our relationship before
unity can be reached. The majority of our relationship is based on the equity
model, which we are pretty satisfied with right now.
(d) Sub-Section: How do you
explain these observations—what do they show or why are things this way with
that couple?
Both my husband and I do not like the dominance model or its philosophy,
so we strive to keep a pretty egalitarian relationship even if it may at times
be hard work to negotiate everything. My
husband grew up in a dominance style family where his dad was pretty dominant
and still is and he really doesn’t like it, so I think he works even harder
than I do at making sure he doesn’t turn our like that. My husband and really cares about my feelings
and he takes the time and effort to understand how I feel, and think. If the husband or boyfriend is willing to do
this the relationship can easily be equity.
(e) Sub-Section: Explain
how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity,
unity, biology, culture, and spirituality.
Gender relationships usually begin in the dominance model because that
is the way society has conditioned women and men. Culture plays a great part in the dominance
model of marriage because most men are raised by their fathers and mothers that
men should be the provider of the household and take care of their family;
therefore should have more control and power in the household. Women on the other hand are raised most the
time by their mothers to take care of their husband by cooking, clean, and
taking care of the children. Biology
plays a role to in this traditional idea that men have to control everything
because they are the dominant and stronger gender and women are the weaker
gender. The survival of the species
where women choose men who are stronger and men choose women who are fit and
capable of producing more offspring in order to carry on the genes in one
theory of this traditional view point of dominance. The equity model has moved
women out of the kitchen and home and into the workforce. Women are now allowed to negotiate with their
husbands in order to have an egalitarian relationship. The unity model of marriage is where men
voluntarily give up this control and allow their wives to lead. The unity model leads to more spirituality
and eternal unity with your partner after death.
(f) Sub-Section: My
Thoughts
I value my relationship with my husband and even though we are still in
the unity of model of marriage I look at it as it can only get better from here
on our because I have never been more happy.
The Question I am answering is Question 11:
(a) Sub-Section: Consider
Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called
Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction. It shows how to construct
an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality
creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area
of sexual behavior.
Section 6. Unity Model
in Marriage:
Ennead Chart of Growth Steps
This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
Section 7. This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
level 1 |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 sensations and
pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner |
2 involved with
thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant
|
3 |
(b) Sub-Section: Explain
what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as “sexual blackmail”.
Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial
reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept
when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?
My Thoughts on Sexual Blackmail
When we initially discussed sexual blackmail it made a great deal of
sense to me that many men at times use this philosophy in order to get women to
do what they want, which is to have sex as much as the man wants. This idea enraged me that men would manipulate
their wives by using such as threat.
Thankfully I have not had experience with this, but I know many women
who have. I am even more aware of this
term now that I have learned about it in Dr. James Unity Model on
Marriage. Sexual blackmail is cheered on
my many authors like Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil and John Gray. Women are manipulated in thinking that they
are the one at fault in the relationship and that they need to change in order
to get what they want. For example, if
they want their husbands to stick around they have to give him sex and as much
as he wants of it. This idea according
to Dr. James is turning women into sexual slaves. When a woman is forced into sex even if she
doesn’t want it at the time or doesn’t feel well her rights are being taken
away and she is literally a slave to her husband.
Others Reactions:
Woman #1 age 28: “My ex-husband treated me like a sexual slave and when
I told him how I felt he left me for another women”
Woman #2 age 18: “I will never marry a man that thinks like that”
Man #1 age 30: “I have known men who thought like that, and it disgusted
me”
Man #2 age 24: “In my opinion that’s rape”
Woman#3 age 32: “I would never treat a woman like that”
Man #3 age 40: “Sex is great, but I would never use it as a tool”
My Interpretations of Other Reactions
Everyone I interviewed felt that sexual blackmail was something that
they would either never do or never want to happen to them. In general everyone agreed that it was wrong
and horrible to force anyone in sex for the pleasure of the other whether male
or female. Sex should never be used as a
tool was the sentiment from each person.
The men that I interviewed felt that they would never treat a woman like
this, but felt that sex is an important part of marriage. Some one of the women that I interview had
experience with this kind of treatment either through rape or manipulation by
their husbands or boyfriends at one time or another. One woman said she would never marry a man
that thought like this and I thought that was interesting because usually men
are not like this initially until later on into the marriage, so you may not
know who you really are marrying until later in your relationship.
(c) Sub-Section: Copy Table
1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an
example of your own. Think of a couple
you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three
topics: (i) housework, (ii) jealousy, and (iii) a third area of your own
choosing.
(i) Sub-Division: Housework
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 Couple divides the
chores and negotiates who does what |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband is happy when
his wife cleans the house |
2 Husband tried to
convince his wife that she belongs at home taking care of the household |
3 Husband is unhappy
with his wife stepping our of her submissive role as a wife |
(ii) Sub-Division: Jealousy
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 Husband is fulfilled
by just having his wife to spend his life with |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband’s jealous if
his wife has male friends or other friends |
2 Husband thinks about
ways to prevent these friendships from continuing |
3 |
(iii) Sub-Section: The
In-Laws
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 Husband defends his
wife |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 Husband forces his
wife to deal with his parents |
2 Husband thinks of
ways for his wife to win his parents over |
3 Husband takes his
parents side instead of his wife’s |
(c) Sub-Section: My
Thoughts
I think that these models really help when determining what type of
relationship one has in there marriage and how to improve it if it’s not what
ones wishes it to be. It never hurts to
try new ideas and see if your marriage improves from it. I feel that right now my relationship falls
in the equity model overall and as for right now I am content with this because
it’s one step from unity. There is a
great deal of work to be done though if we want to reach unity, but right now I
am happy and so is my husband.
My Report
on the Previous Generation
Students from Generation 22
This student answered similar questions regarding the Unity Model of Marriage. She picked five different questions to answer and gave her thoughts on how these questions affected her and how she understood them.
This student also answered five questions regarding the Unity Model of
Marriage and gave his interpretations of how he understood the Sensorimotor,
Cognitive, and Affective levels of this model.
This student answered five questions regarding the unity model of
marriage and gave her opinion of how she understood the model and how it affects
her personal life and others around her.
Advice to Future Generations
If you are interested in marriage and all the entails you will enjoy this
course and most likely be successful. I
want to caution everyone though don’t put this course off otherwise you will be
like me, trying to get it done last minute.
Also, if you are taking six or more classes this particular class will
be hard to keep up with because it entails a great deal of time and effort. It’s not hard, but very time consuming. At the beginning of this course I really
thought that I would have time to develop my web page and make it great, but
the semester just flew by and it still looks like it did just a pretty
background, but no cool images or icons or anything. If you really want time to have fun with this
class don’t take too many other writing intensive course or too many courses in
general. I have learned the hard way, so
don’t make my mistakes. I have really
enjoyed this class so I would recommend it to anyone. Take your time and budget it so you can enjoy
every minute of it. Good Luck!