Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By: Linda Takahashi

Instructions for this report are at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/409b-g23-report2.htm

I am answering Questions 1, 2, 3, 10, 11

The Question I am answering is Question 2.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) POWER

TANNEN ON POWER

Power governs asymmetrical relationships where one is subordinate to the other.

SCHLESSINGER ON POWER

Men are simple creatures that desire the love of a woman. They are affected by negative criticism from the women in their lives. Women need to appreciate that they have power over men and not misuse that power.

JAMES ON POWER

Power is shared by a couple until they decide to enter the Unity Model. At which time, they have the possibility of moving into the Unity Model or Dominance Model. If a wife chooses to give up equity for her husband, the relationship moves into the Dominance Model. At which time, the husband has dominant control over his wife. Conversely, if a Husband chooses to give up equity, the couple moves into Unity and is guided by the judgment of the wife. Greater intimacy, growth and mutual support is experienced by those who choose the Unity Model.

SWEDENBORG ON POWER

Power in heaven is given to those whose heart is truly interested in the good of the people. Those who resided in materialistic power and saw the wrong of their ways, tossed aside their crowns and jewels and served the people from the goodness of their hearts and such is the kingdom of heaven.

TAKAHASHI ON POWER

Power should be afford those whose heart and mind are in the right place. Power something that should be governed by wives and used for the betterment of a relationship. Husbands need to trust in the guidance of their wives for power to most effective.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) INTERRUPTION

TANNEN ON INTERRUPTION

Interruption as dominance. Depending upon the culture and the context interruption may be viewed as either dominance or solidarity.

SCHLESSINGER ON INTERRUPTION

Women spend much time and effort complaining about things in general. Interruption on the part of the wife during a conversation will most likely be labeled "nagging." On the other hand, husbands may interrupt their wives will maintain dominance over the relationship. In both cases interruption is viewed as dominant behavior not solidarity.

JAMES ON INTERRUPTION

Within the Unity Model of Marriage, interruption is usually viewed as dominance. However, if a husband is in love with a woman who appreciates interruption. He should allow the wife's judgment on the matter to guide their interactive style. Some woman find interruption to be a sign of eagerness and therefore, solidarity.

SWEDENBORG ON INTERRUPTION

Those who achieve conjunction will live together harmoniously and interruption is not a part of their reality, not a part of their heaven. People who achieve conjunction may find once they have entered the kingdom of heaven that not every aspect of themselves is in alignment with their heavenly self and these aspects of their character must be dealt with each in turn until a person is completely in harmonious with all heavenly values and truly reflects that from within.

TAKAHASHI ON INTERRUPTION

It is my opinion that interruption is not a necessary form of communication. I think it best that when love is guiding a relationship, couples will not have a need for interruption and harmony will prevail.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

TANNEN ON CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

Men choose to engage in conversation in a style that might be interpreted as being disinterested. Men often choose to not look directly at those around them in conversation, they choose to not want to be close to or touch during conversation even while feeling attached and connected to those they are engaged with in conversation.

SCHLESSINGER ON CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

Women become overly attached and involved in too many things that give rise to the "white rabbit syndrome." Men being simple creatures will interact in a style that keeps them at a physical distance unless they are interested in intimacy.

JAMES ON CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

Husbands should be in tune to their wife's needs and set aside time on a daily basis for face to face communication and affection. Husbands should make sure that their wives are happy and well cared for. Wives who feel that they are getting enough attention are more inclined to focusing on guiding the relationship to a deeper level of communication and at the Unity level of marriage, both wives and husbands will benefit greatly from a wife's contentment.

SWEDENBORG ON CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

Conjugial love is not the same for every person. The degree to which couples interact will vary in heaven, but, the all couples in conjugial love will have a strong degree of attachment and engage with each other in an interested fashion. However, differences will be found in all bonds of conjunction.

TAKAHASHI ON CONVERSATIONAL STYLE

Conversational style is highly personal and unique. It will always be best to have a more engaged and interactive style. But like the uniqueness of love, conversational style will vary as well.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) UNDERLYING DISCORD

TANNEN ON UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

People often try to create surface harmony by "sweeping things under the rug." The underlying discord will remain.

SCHLESSINGER ON UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

Men may sweep things under the rug when they believe the matter is trivial. Men often sweep things under the rug to avoid "nagging" from their wives.

JAMES ON UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

Every issue must be dealt with and not ignored. If a husband believes in the Unity Model of Marriage and hold its values as his own. He will have the trust required to follow the guidance of his wife. It will be common for the husband to find discord along the path to Unity. Therefore, at such times it helps to review ones values and make appropriate changes to reestablish harmony.

SWEDENBORG ON UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

Things are never swept under the rug in heaven. Couples who have conjoined have managed to do so by connecting at all levels. It is simply impossible to sweep things under the rug, not address important issues, and remain within conjugial love.

TAKAHASHI ON UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

Truly conjoined couples will have no place for underlying discord to exist. Those couples striving for Unity must address any underlying issues if they hope to attain a higher level of existence in harmony, love, and mutual respect.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) DOMINANCE

TANNEN ON DOMINANCE

Dominance is sometimes communicated via indirect means.

SCHLESSINGER ON DOMINANCE

Men may display dominance indirectly by asking if his wife really intends to wear THAT dress to an event. Women should comply to their men's wishes and be thankful for having them if they bring home a paycheck and not engage in an affair.

JAMES ON DOMINANCE

Dominance is never communicated within the Unity Model of Marriage. The mental union between a husband and his wife is the primary interaction.

SWEDENBORG ON DOMINANCE

There is no place for dominance to exist when conjugial love in heaven is filled with the greatest joys one can ever experience.

TAKAHASHI ON DOMINANCE

There is no good in dominance in a relationship. There is no room for such behavior in the hearts of the truly conjoined.

sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

TANNEN ON WOMEN'S EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

Women have to smile to be viewed positively while men do not.

SCHLESSINGER ON WOMEN'S EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

Women should dress in a flattering way and take care of their bodies for their husbands. They should try to smile a lot and be desirable. They will get more from their marriage with enticing behavior such as this.

JAMES ON WOMEN'S EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

Women do not have to play any role to be come more desirable. Further, women who choose not to smile may be unhappy with their husbands lack of mental intimacy, and it is the husbands responsibility to connect mentally with his wife before asking for physical intimacy with her.

SWEDENBORG ON WOMEN'S EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

Husbands and wives will recognize each other in heaven and they will still feel the sexual desire they felt in earth in heaven. Fortunately, men and women will all appear to be around the age of 18 in heaven and such pretensions like the requirement that women should smile more is not a part of heaven reality. Such pretensions are simply not within the types of people of that make it into heaven.

TAKAHASHI ON WOMEN'S EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES

I think it is another form of dominance to expect women to have to smile. Additionally it is also a form of control to expect wives to meet their husbands at the door dressed in a certain way for a husband's enjoyment with no thought of what a wife's needs may be.

sub-section (b) GENDER RELTIONSHIP VIEW COMPARISON CHART

CONTRASTING VIEWS ON GENDER RELATIONSHIPS	TANNEN	SCHLESSINGER	JAMES	SWEDENBORG	TAKAHASHI
Power in a relationship is held by one.	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE
Power may be used as a guiding force.	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE
Power is a goal.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Interruption is dominance when not perceived as solidarity.	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE
Interruption is used as a control technique.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Husbands may choose to disengage with their wives.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
The degree to which couples interact will vary.	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE
Underlying discord may exist in a relationship.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Harmony must exist at all interactive levels in a relationship.	FALSE	FALSE	TRUE	TRUE	TRUE
Dominance is sometimes communicated indirectly.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Ideas of dominance remain in gender discourse.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Women need to smile to be perceived positively.	TRUE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE
Women need to maintain outward appearances for men.	FALSE	TRUE	FALSE	FALSE	FALSE

The Question I am answering is Question 3. sub-section (a) (b)

Married people will flip-flop between happiness and hatred when they are not conjoined in Unity and the reason this happens is because they may have connected at one of the levels of Unity but not on another. For example, in gender relationships we operate with three interconnected domains of behavior. Only those couples that experience Unity thus the "conjoined self" experience true harmony. Those who don't achieve the "conjoined self" will live in the flip-flop style of interaction with happiness and hatred each taking turn. Further, People can avoid cultural and psychological pitfalls that lead to such a marriage if they work on their three-fold self. The three-fold self is comprised of the affective self that governs feelings and motivations, the cognitive self that governs thinking and reasoning. And, the sensorimotor self that governs sensations, perceptions, and motor acts. It is important to note that while striving for Unity men and women need to drop old traits that conflict with the model and pick up good ones that conform to its teachings. Levels of Unity work from the outside to the inside, to the inmost self.

Data from interview of 20 women supporting the idea: men are resistance to intimacy. sub-section (d)

Woman #1 age 40

"I think men are resistant to love because they think they will lose their freedom if they become too close with a woman. I'm still looking for someone who possesses that quality."

Woman #2 age 20

"My mother was the first to tell me that men are incapable of mental intimacy."

Woman #3 age 35

"I've never dated a man who displayed mental intimacy."

Woman #4 age 41

"I don't think such a man exists. If you find one let me know."

Woman #5 age 50

"You are a dear to be asking me these questions. First of all, in my generation, we had more set roles that defined marriage. I think it was more expected that when a wife needed mental intimacy, she would call her friends."

Woman #5 age 20

"Well...I don't know, I guess that if you like the tough guys they can be a little rough around the edges. But, hey, that's just how it is, right?"

Woman #6 age 18

"My father was never one I felt I could relate to on an emotional level. So I suppose a lot of men must be like that..."

Woman #7 age 20

"I think men in general are resistant to love and closeness."

Woman #8 age 22

"Well...let me think, yeah I suppose on the most part all my boyfriends have been the alpha male type. But that's what I like, so I just talk to my girlfriends when I need emotional support."

Woman #9 age 22

"I once went out with a guy that said men don't cry. He seemed to be acting most of the time...you know...trying to keep up appearances."

Woman #10 age 39

"Men need their friends to bond with and women need their friends. There is really no problem for couples who don't share mental all time."

Women #11 age 32

"I've often heard that men learn emotional distance from their fathers. I certainly want to find a man who has mental intimacy."

Woman #12 age 18

"Yeah well, I guess it's true...I mean who cares? My brother is like the coldest guy I know and he always has a girlfriend."

Woman #13 age 41

"I have personally found a man with mental intimacy...thank goodness. However, I strongly feel that it is very difficult to find such a man, because most men are raised in our society shunning mental intimacy...like it is some kind of threat to their masculinity."

Woman #14 age 42

"I once dated a guy who could not understand that I wanted to connect with him emotionally before we had sex. He saw no problem in expecting sex with no emotional connection."

Woman #15 age 35

"Once this guy I used to date spent two hours watching football and then two minutes talking to me before expecting sex."

Woman #16 age 20

I want a guy I feel like I can share anything with. I don't plan to settle for anything less."

Woman #17 age 49

My husband shares mental intimacy with me, but, he did not do that for many years in the beginning of our marriage. I think it is a process that a couple can work towards together."

Woman #18 age 58

"My husband and I have mental intimacy, but it depends on the subject. For example, we can't talk about my illness, because it makes him sad. So, when I need emotional support about my health I call my sister. But, on other issues, I think we can talk about most things."

Woman #19 age 30

"I have yet to find a man with mental intimacy to the degree that I want. I want to have just as meaningful conversation with a man as I do my best friend. Most of my boyfriends seem to want to spend more time watching football and hanging at the bar with their buddies then really connecting on an emotional level."

Woman #20 age 24

"I've been accused of being too needy when I've requested a deeper level of communication in a relationship."

sub-section (d) continued

Discussion of what this interview list can be used for:

The compilation of the above list showing how twenty women of various ages feel about men and their resistance to intimacy might be used to educate men in what women want. I think most men would be willing to give it a try, if they could clearly see that in doing so, would give them an advantage. The list can also be used to educate women, on how they should make mental intimacy a requirement in the relationships in which they engage.

sub-section (e)

My thoughts on question 3:

According the Unity Model of Marriage, women are motivated to at prod men in an effort to make them more aware of their feelings. Unfortunately, for many men the "prodding" is interpreted as unpleasant. I think women should try their best to continue to help the men in their lives become more aware of their feelings, but do it in a kind and caring manner. I think more men will not find such careful prodding to be too objectionable.

The Question I am answering is Question 11.

sub-section (a)

Unity Model in Marriage:
Ennead Chart of Growth Steps

This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
UNITY	7	8	9
EQUITY	4	5	6
DOMINANCE	1	2	3

This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 rational sensorimotor acts	8 rational cognitive processes	9 rational affective states
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 sensuous sensorimotor acts	5 sensuous cognitive processes	6 sensuous affective states
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 corporeal sensorimotor acts	2 corporeal cognitive processes	3 corporeal affective states

sub-section (a)

This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their mental unity	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about the spiritual or eternal details of their conjunction	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to achieve mental closeness
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of their performance or achievement	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES involved with thoughts about evaluation (How am I doing? Is it the best ever? Is this fair?  Different? Etc.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to compete with or gain more from the partner
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES  involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES constantly motivated and striving to overcome and compel the partner to be submissive

sub-section (b)

TAKAHASHI ON SEXUAL BLACKMAIL

Sexual blackmail may exist in relationships that dwell within the Dominance Model of Marriage and the Equity Model of Marriage. In the dominance model, husbands often treat their wives as a type of property that they now own. They may have wooed them to marry, but once the honeymoon is over he may resort to sexual blackmail to satisfy his physical needs. Even at the cost of his wife's emotional well-being.

For example, at the dominance level, a husband may ask his wife for sex despite the fact that he refuses to engage in mental intimacy with her. If the wife says "no" he may stop speaking to her. The "silent treatment" is a favorite of men at the dominance level. He may also stop mowing the lawn, or refuse to put oil in her car. At the same time he expects his wife to continue with her household chores, and job, and child-raising duties. The longer a wife refuses to comply while the husband is attempting sexual blackmail, the worse it gets for the wife until she gives in.

At the equity model a husband may begin to question his actions and be more kindly when requesting sex from his wife. Unfortunately, he may still be having trouble giving his wife mental intimacy on a regular basis, and even fail to make the connection between making love and mental intimacy.

Fortunately for some, the wife makes a persuasive argument to have him conjoin to her and accept her guidance. Some lucky couples progress into the Unity Model of Marriage at this point, some unfortunate couples fall back into the dominance model when the husband is unable to see the error of his ways and voluntarily follow his wife's guidance. The dominance model then seems like the best way for those unfortunate husbands to received sexual satisfaction.

sub-section (b)

THE DEVELOPMENT OF MY THINKING ON SEXUAL BLACKMAIL

In the beginning of my studies on sexual blackmail, I agreed wholeheartedly on what was taught in the Unity Model of Marriage. The thing that surprised me the most was my blindness to it in my own life. I never thought of it as blackmail. I would have been so up-in-arms for any woman that I may have read about who was being punished with sexual blackmail. Yet, here I was living and accepting such behavior in my own life.

The ideas taught in the unity model have made me question my worth. I have made some changes in my life, I do not wish to detail here. But, I will say, that I have made positive changes in my life.

sub-section (b) (c)

COLLECTED DATA ON WHAT A MAN TOUGHT ABOUT SEXUAL BLACKMAIL

"I don't see the problem in the same way...I think that if a wife refuses to give her husband sex, well, he has the right to stop doing things for her. I mean, why not? Women need to understand that when men don't have sex they experience a great frustration inside that makes it hard to concentrate on many things. So...what's the big deal with giving someone who you supposedly love...some sex?"

MY REACTIONS TO THE SEXUAL BLACKMAIL COLLECTED DATA

I felt that the man I interviewed was unable to grasp the concept of mental intimacy and the idea that wives have the right to refuse sex with their husbands. I think men approach the problem from such a different angle that it is hard for them to comprehend the difficulty a woman faces when expected to engage in a physical act without emotional or spiritual preparation. I think the very basic misunderstanding many men have with women, is the concept that women need an emotional/spiritual connection in order to receive pleasure at the physical level.

sub-section (c)

sub-division (i)

This is Table 1c (HOUSEWORK)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband voluntarily starts doing housework at his wife's direction and does a good job.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband allows inner wisdom of wife to dictate the housework requirements	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband and wife have become one. The housework is completed with ease and efficiency as if completed by two acting as one.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband takes turn with wife on doing each of the chores. However, he never cleans as well as she does. He never puts the same effort into housework as he does his job.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband thinks he is unable to clean well enough to his wife satisfaction. Does not realize he never has those thoughts about his boss and his duties at work. Husband feels like he is doing his wife a "favor" for doing his share of the housework.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES Wife begins to prod her husband to take as much pride in his cleaning as he does in his job. She shows him how to take care of the house so a feeling of peace pervades the home.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   The husband leaves his mess for the wife to clean up. If he cleans he does a very poor job.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES The husband expects his wife to do all the housework. It is his prerogative to expect this since he makes more money.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES The husband comes home from work, walks in while the wife is freaking out and trying desperately to finish her chores. He lets out a big sigh of disapproval upon seeing a mess.

sub-section (c)

sub-division (ii)

This is Table 1c (JEALOUSY)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband gives up all friends that his wife finds objectionable.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband knows that his actions have led him to a more harmonious connection with his wife. Jealousy will cease to exist	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband and wife have become one and together they have no space within themselves for the rages of jealousy to exist.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband lets wife wear the pretty dress and spends time out without her. Hangs out with his friends and spends time talking with his female friends on the phone.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband thinks that is actions of "letting" his wife wear what she wants and go shopping with her mom entitles him to a little freedom of his own with his friends	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES Wife "prods" husband to give up female friends to spend more time with her.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   Husband prevents wife from wearing a pretty dress.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband thinks his wife will cheat on him and needs to be "put in her place."	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband accuses wife of cheating when she has not. Tries to limit her activities and fights with her.

sub-section (c)

sub-division (iii)

This is Table 1c (DRIVING IN CAR)

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband happily turns the car around and heads in the direction indicated by his wife.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband drives along happily without smoking and playing loud music. He engages his wife in mental intimacy while they drive together through the night.	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Peace reins in a car heading in the right direction. The two inside have become one heart, and together they know they have enough fuel to go wherever they want to go.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband pulls over at the rest-stop and tells the wife it is her turn to drive.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband asks the wife where she wants to eat and how does she feel about their destination.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES Wife starts to ask the husband to reconsider their destinations and attempts to sway his decision to an alternate route.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS   Husband climbs into the divers seat and starts to drive to the destination that he wishes to reach.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband "feels" he knows what is best and furthermore, thinks he knows the best route.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband smokes a cigarette while driving and plays loud music instead of talking to his wife. Both of which highly upsets the wife.

sub-section (a)

The question I am answering is question 1.

At any moment in time men and women experience life and the after-life with the same amount of emotions. The difference between men and women is that women need to be tuned in to a man's emotions and feelings if she hopes to have him conjoin to her. It is her goal if she has achieved the status of the Equity Model of Marriage to elevate her marriage into Unity. Therefore, it is imperative that she be keenly aware of her man's emotions and feelings.

The reason for the disparity in the way in which husbands and wives are interacting at this point will depend largely upon their three-fold self. The three-fold self is a culmination of three interacting domains that control gender behavior. These domains include the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self, and the affective self.

The outermost layer of the three-fold self is the sensorimotor self, which governs sensations, perceptions, and motor acts. The next inner layer is the cognitive self, that governs thinking and reasoning. The innermost and therefore the purest layer is the affective self, that governs feelings and motivations. It is important to note that the affective self it the truest self that will ultimately guide our behavior. The dynamic that occurs between all three domains of the three-fold self create a synergistic energy of personal guidance.

To prove that it is simply not true that men have less feelings than women I wish to point out a few personal observations in which I noted it not to be the case.

SUB-SECTION (b) SUB-DIVISION (i) PERSONAL OBERSERVATION #1

The game had been tied from the start. Both teams were playing at optimum performance. The men in the game room at my house took turns cheering and yelling at the television. Sometimes they gave each other "high fives" or slapped each other's backs in merriment. As the over-time clock ticked down its last few seconds the men were literally sitting at the edge of their seats with great pressure and anticipation strewn across their faces. The game ends amidst a roar from the men.

SUB-SECTION (b) SUB-DIVISION (i) PERSONAL OBERSERVATION #2

He had been sitting next to his wife for twelve hours. The baby was soon on the way. The doctor gave the ok to start pushing and he did his best to comfort her while she groaned in agony and started pushing. The pushing took an additional two hours before the baby slipped into their lives. He kissed his wife, overjoyed and overcome with emotion; he cried.

SUB-SECTION (b) SUB-DIVISION (ii) MEDIA OBERSERVATION #1

Joe Moore on the channel 2 news was covering a story about a toddler that was seriously bitten by a dog on Kahala beach. According to the story the owner did not have the dog on a leash and seemed careless and unconcerned about its violent temper in a public place. The father of the toddler requested that the dog be taken away from them. Unfortunately the dog lunged at the toddler and seriously mauled the child.

Joe Moore who is a father of a young child was visibly upset with the details of the story. Joe looked sternly into the camera when he finished reading his lines. And, off the script, said with an angry tone, a few words for the dog owner. Surprisingly he had angry words for the father of the child too. Joe made it perfectly clear that he did not think the father of the child did "enough" to protect him. Joe walked a fine line with those comments and it was plain to see, that his highly emotional reaction to the story, caused him to do so.

SUB-SECTION (b) SUB-DIVISION (ii) MEDIA OBSERVATION #2

The actor Jerry Seinfeld is often followed by paparazzi media. The difference between him and many other celebrities, is the emotion he chooses as his reaction to the invasion of his privacy. Jerry often looks up surprised by a photographer's stealth hiding place and laugh. He will point at the photographer smile and wave. He finds humor in most every situation and always laughs and smiles.

SUB-SECTION (c) SUB-DIVISION (i) DO MEN AND WOMEN HAVE THE SAME AWARENESS OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS?

Women are more aware of their emotions and feelings because they have the inner wisdom that guides and causes them to strive for unity. Women need to be in touch with emotions and feelings so they can make the right decision in respect to their timing on "affective prodding" their man to conjoin. It is important because if a woman's "affective prodding" is not successful, the couple may decline back into the dominance model.

SUB-SECTION (c) SUB-DIVISION (ii) DO MEN AND WOMEN HAVE THE SAME AWARENESS OF THEIR PARTNER'S FEELINGS?

No, women have more awareness of their own feelings and those of the man in their life. Women are the ones blessed with the desire to conjoin to a man. Therefore, it is the woman's insight that increases her awareness of her partner's feelings. Men have emotion and feelings and express them well all the time. However the difference between men and women, is that men are not aware of a woman's feelings. His perception of what she has in her heart is not as finely tuned as hers for him. Further, men are not as in touch with their own feelings, despite the fact they express themselves quite clearly.

SUB-SECTION (d) DYNAMICS AND PROGRESS OF THE RELATIONSHIP

The difference between a man and a woman's ability to interpret feelings combined with separate motives in life create the dynamic that fuels the process of conjoining. It is the dynamic of a woman's prodding and a man resisting her that act like friction until the sparks of conjoining begin to glow between them. And it is these sparks that if kindled with care will grow into the fire of Unity forever.

SUB-SECTION (e) MY THOUGHTS ON QUESTION 1

The three-fold self is composed of biology, socialization, and culture. Children are exposed through each of these domains resulting in a three-fold self that lives life in discord. It is difficult to bring the three-fold self into a harmonious heavenly state within the Unity model.

The three-fold self is composed of three layers that interact with others in the earthly world. The outer-most layer is the sensorimotor self that involves the senses and motor abilities. This is the layer within the realm of gender relationships that establishes physical contact with someone of the opposite sex.

If a man and woman meet and find attraction with one another. The man often asks the woman out on a date. When the woman accepts and they go to the movies it is the sensorimotor self that is interacting between the two. They may choose to go out on many dates and find the experience quite invigorating. But, the relationship is at a very primal level. If the relationship moves along and the man and woman begin to hug and kiss, it is still considered a sensorimotor level of communication between them.

The next layer of the three-fold self is the cognitive self. It is inside the sensorimotor layer and another step closer to the pure self. The cognitive layer is the layer that deals with all the sexist thoughts and other cognitive processing within each person. The cognitive layer has been highly affected by personal upbringing in the domains of socialization and culture. The cognitive layer is the layer that if steered and governed properly will lay the foundation of goals achievable in Unity.

If a man and woman take their sensorimotor relationship to a higher level they will begin to use their thinking and reasoning to ask themselves and each other the right questions that will pave the way to Unity. Ultimately it is the cognitive self that is directly influenced by the affective self. When the affective self drives the thinking of the cognitive self, a person is able to justify the logic of the operations of the Unity model.

The last layer of three-fold self is the in-most layer known as the affective self. This is the purest layer and the truest layer of our being. The affective self guides and directly affects both the sensorimotor self and the cognitive self. More precisely, the affective self steers the cognitive self and together they direct the actions of the sensorimotor self. In general people are more aware of how they "think" compared to how they "feel."

The woman is blessed with the insight of knowing that it is for everyone's betterment that she find a mate to which she desires to conjoin. Therefore, it is with the power of the affective self that she finds the right time to affectively prod her man into conjoining with her. Finding the right time to conjoin is an important aspect of the process because failure to choose the right time will result in the couple losing ground along the evolutionary process of Unity.

The affective self in a woman tries to conjoin to a man and through the affective prodding she meets with resistance from her man. The resistance from her man will in turn create a dynamic that propels the couple toward Unity.

In sum, the process of conjoining within the realm of the three-fold self and the various models of marriage those being the Dominance Model of Marriage the Equity Model of Marriage and the Unity Model of Marriage create a very complicated process that creates a very interesting dynamic that is both highly interactive as it is unique in each case of Unity.

The Question I am answering is Question #10

sub-section (a)

This is Table 8

Yes = tolerates at times a difference or disagreement about that issue No = never tolerates a difference or disagreement about that issue	1 Dominance Model	2 Equity Model	3 Unity Model
What restaurant to go to	Yes	Yes	No
What to order on the menu	Yes	Yes	No
What movie to go to or rent	Yes	Yes	No
What either should wear somewhere	Yes	Yes	No
What friends to socialize with	Yes	Yes	No
How to deal with money or investments	Yes	Yes	No
How to deal with the children	No	Yes	No
Where to live	No	Yes	No
How to deal with family	Yes	Yes	No
What political party to support	Yes	Yes	No
Physical abuse or violence	No	No	No
What they laugh at	Yes	Yes	Yes
What they feel sentimental about	Yes	Yes	Yes
etc. (write your own)

Note that Table 8 shows different categories of items as defined by the pattern of answers. There are four patterns illustrated by items:

• Yes, Yes, No
• No, Yes, No
• No, No, No
• Yes, Yes, Yes

sub-section (b)

Table 8

New items for the four patterns

Yes = tolerates at times a difference or disagreement about that issue	1	2	3
No = never tolerates a difference or disagreement about that issue	Dominance Model	Equity Model	Unity Model
What time of the year they should take vacation	Yes	Yes	No
What style of furniture to buy	Yes	Yes	No
What flowers to plant in the yard	Yes	Yes	No
What hairstyle is best	Yes	Yes	No
Which party to attend when two fall on same day	Yes	Yes	No
How to handle life insurance details	Yes	Yes	No
who to call on the holidays	Yes	Yes	No
Which athletic club should they work-out at	Yes	Yes	No
Where to send the kids to school	No	Yes	No
Where to build an addition on the house	No	Yes	No
Wife thinks ok to cheat (adultery) if husband does	No	Yes	No
Where to keep the tools	No	Yes	No
Which lawn mower to buy	No	Yes	No
The safety of the children	No	No	No
Choosing birth control options	No	No	No
Where to go in the event of an emergency	No	No	No
Choosing immunizations for the children	No	No	No
Think it is ok to commit adultery	No	No	No
What they reflect upon in quiet moments alone	Yes	Yes	Yes
what they choose to keep	Yes	Yes	Yes
Keeping heirlooms in a treasure box	Yes	Yes	Yes
Choosing when to laugh and when to cry	Yes	Yes	Yes
Choosing when to sleep	Yes	Yes	Yes

sub-section (c) Fifth Pattern

Husband thinks ok to keep wife in submissive role	Yes	No	No
Husband decides when the couple will make love	Yes	No	No
Wife must give husband sex no matter what	Yes	No	No
Wife must clean up after the husband	Yes	No	No
Wife must keep herself attractive at all times	Yes	No	No

sub-section (d)

Couples answer the same questions

Yes = tolerates at times a difference or disagreement about that issue	1	2	3
No = never tolerates a difference or disagreement about that issue	Couple #1	Couple #2	Couple #3
What time of the year they should take vacation	Yes	Yes	Yes
What style of furniture to buy	Yes	Yes	Yes
What flowers to plant in the yard	Yes	Yes	Yes
What hairstyle is best	Yes	No	Yes
Which party to attend when two fall on same day	Yes	Yes	Yes
How to handle life insurance details	No	No	No
who to call on the holidays	Yes	Yes	Yes
Which athletic club should they work-out at	Yes	Yes	Yes
Where to send the kids to school	No	Yes	No
Where to build an addition on the house	No	Yes	Yes
Wife thinks ok to cheat (adultery) if husband does	No	No	No
Where to keep the tools	Yes	Yes	Yes
Which lawn mower to buy	Yes	Yes	Yes
The safety of the children	No	No	No
Choosing birth control options	No	No	No
Where to go in the event of an emergency	No	No	No
Choosing immunizations for the children	No	No	No
Think it is ok to commit adultery	No	No	No
What they reflect upon in quiet moments alone	Yes	Yes	Yes
what they choose to keep	Yes	Yes	Yes
Keeping heirlooms in a treasure box	Yes	Yes	Yes
Choosing when to laugh and when to cry	Yes	Yes	Yes
Choosing when to sleep	Yes	Yes	Yes

sub-section (d) Fifth Pattern

Husband thinks ok to keep wife in submissive role	Yes	Yes	Yes
Husband decides when the couple will make love	Yes	Yes	Yes
Wife must give husband sex no matter what	Yes	Yes	Yes
Wife must clean up after the husband	Yes	Yes	Yes
Wife must keep herself attractive at all times	Yes	Yes	Yes

SUB-SECTION (e) DISCUSSION OF RESULTS

It appears that the couples I interviewed live their lives in accordance with many Dominance Model of Marriage values and Equity Model of Marriage values too. They are very similar in many respects which is probably why they are all such good friends. Disagreements between each couple in various areas include most things except the issues of child safety, birth control, and adultery.

SUB-SECTION (f) HOW THESE FINDINGS RELATE TO THE ENNEAD CHART

Couples #1 and #2 demonstrated a degree of Affective Dominance when the husbands thought it was acceptable to criticize their wife's choice of hairstyle. Additionally Cognitive Dominance was found in the areas of life insurance. All three husbands had set ideas on how the life insurance should be handled and coincidently they were more in agreement with each other than with their own wives.

On the issue of where to send the kids to school. Couples #1 and #3 showed more Equity Model behavior, by allowing their wives to argue with them over the issue. This type of behavior shows that the husbands on this topic are moving through zones 4a, 5a, and 6a. This type of a behavior is a marker for spirituality coming through and influencing how a husband interacts with his wife.

Lastly, the only areas that came close to Unity were the issues on child safety, birth control, and adultery. However, I must point out that for these couples to really be moving into Unity they have a lot more progress to make in the other marriage models. Therefore, I think it may be appropriate to say that on some issues they were in zone 7 but not really advancing into the highest level of Unity.

SUB-SECTION (g) MY THOUGHTS ON QUESTION 10

Question does a good job of highlighting the myriad of differences a couples accept as appropriate behavior in marriage. It is no wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country.

My Report on the Previous Generation

HEIDI NAKAMURA

Nakamura did a good job of answering her required questions in a clear and concise manner. Her observations include the following: being "considerate" in a relationship is imperative to making it work. She discussed how she had problems on the issue of housework and finds it difficult to divide the housework up equally without feeling like no matter how she dives up the work she ends up redoing his work anyway. She wondered about whether or not men and women really have different "degrees" of cleanliness and if that is the deeper problem.

I covered cleanliness in my Project 2 as well. I bring to the argument the idea that when men endeavor to do work at the office it is often the case that they do a really good job. Therefore, it seems to me that many men simply don't think housework is worthy of their time and energy.

Nakamura also stated that she does not believe in god. She wonders if this could be a source of some of the trouble she has with her man. Further, she states that couples should "give up parts of themselves" to be truly harmonious with one another.

Lastly, she also mentioned that moving out of the Dominance Model was easier to do if one does so as quickly as possible in a relationship. This she points out is a way of not getting stuck in a old habits that are detrimental to the wife.

TAWNY ANTONIO

Antonio agree that the Unity Model of Marriage is a very good idea and worth striving for its values. She analyzed the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. Antonio believes that Dr. Schlessinger has a slanted way of dealing with gender relations and has a "male chauvinistic" way of looking at things.

Antonio observed a couple with the names Chris and Brandi. She concludes that they are not operating within the Unity Model of Marriage. One of the facts that she points to in support of her conclusion is the fact that Chris still walks out when he argues with Brandi and gives her the "silent treatment."

In the section where Antonio analyzes television programs within the marriage models, she chose the show: Friends. In the show a couple with the names Chandler and Monica behave in accordance with Dominance and Equity Model values, according to Antonio. She points out, that Chandler will attempt to align his feeling with Monica but only when he is in trouble. A very interesting observation indeed.

Antonio concludes by saying that learning about the various marriage models is a valuable learning experience.

LAINA BEARD

Over the course of semester Beard says she has come to agree with every aspect of the Unity Model of Marriage. She is not currently in a relationship but knows that the knowledge she has acquired through this course will help guide her next relationship. She went on to say that she believes that the Unity Model of Marriage is a process by which women can "decode" men and use the information to interact with them more harmoniously.

In her chart comparing the various marriage models, Beard acknowledges that the Unity Model requires much more work that the other two models and most of the work falls on the man. Beard was astonished to see the magnitude of differences within the Dominance and Equity Models of Marriage. She speaks of getting away form the "blame game" and getting to the deeper issues of conjoining to find true happiness in the afterlife. Additionally, she notes that it is important to know that couples may be operating in more than one model at any given time.

During Beard's analysis of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, she discusses points made on Page 101 of the book. On page 101, Dr. Schlessinger sates that many women don't forget and stack up the bad memories until they blow up at their man. Beard takes issue with this point and wonders "Why should we forget?" She believes that most of the points of view discussed in the book are within the Dominance Model of Marriage.

In sum Beard said the following and I will quote her because her praise is so high I think it's only appropriate that I do so. Beard says: " It’s a fascinating study on relationship Psychology. Taking this course and the Theistic Psychology at the same time gave me a wonderful look into the work of Emanuel Swedenborg. The more time you can spend studying his work, the better because it is quite detailed and forces you to change your way of thinking." She went on to say that it was great taking a course from the university that was taught by a professor so "organized, educated, and determined." Fine words indeed from a satisfied student.

Advice to Future Generations

The best way to succeed in this course is to divide the work up by week. Set a very strict schedule, whereby you establish weekly goals for a project, so that everything is completed on time by each due date in turn. It is a good idea to have all ten outlines completed and posted to the web before Project 2 begins. Each project is so time-consuming that you will require weekly goals to maintain stress levels.

You can expect to gain a very thorough understanding of gender relations and most importantly, learn the values of the Unity Model of Marriage. It will open you eyes to a new way of approaching life and marriage. It will expose you to a way of thinking that you might find objectionable at first. Hopefully, you like many others before you will change your mind by the end of the semester. So, if you're curious, climb on board and enjoy the ride.

Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/classhome-g23.htm

My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/takahashi/home.htm