Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of
Marriage
By: Linda Takahashi
Instructions for this report are at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/409b-g23-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 1, 2, 3, 10,
11
The Question I am answering is Question 2.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) POWER
TANNEN ON POWER
Power governs asymmetrical relationships where one is subordinate to the other.
SCHLESSINGER ON
POWER
Men are simple creatures that desire the love of a woman. They are affected by negative criticism from the women in their lives. Women need to appreciate that they have power over men and not misuse that power.
JAMES ON POWER
Power is shared by a couple until they decide to enter the Unity Model. At which time, they have the possibility of moving into the Unity Model or Dominance Model. If a wife chooses to give up equity for her husband, the relationship moves into the Dominance Model. At which time, the husband has dominant control over his wife. Conversely, if a Husband chooses to give up equity, the couple moves into Unity and is guided by the judgment of the wife. Greater intimacy, growth and mutual support is experienced by those who choose the Unity Model.
SWEDENBORG ON
POWER
Power in heaven is given to those whose heart is truly interested in the good of the people. Those who resided in materialistic power and saw the wrong of their ways, tossed aside their crowns and jewels and served the people from the goodness of their hearts and such is the kingdom of heaven.
TAKAHASHI ON POWER
Power should be afford those whose heart and mind are in the right place. Power something that should be governed by wives and used for the betterment of a relationship. Husbands need to trust in the guidance of their wives for power to most effective.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) INTERRUPTION
TANNEN ON
INTERRUPTION
Interruption as dominance. Depending upon the culture and the context interruption may be viewed as either dominance or solidarity.
SCHLESSINGER ON
INTERRUPTION
Women spend much time and effort complaining about things in general. Interruption on the part of the wife during a conversation will most likely be labeled "nagging." On the other hand, husbands may interrupt their wives will maintain dominance over the relationship. In both cases interruption is viewed as dominant behavior not solidarity.
JAMES ON
INTERRUPTION
Within the Unity Model of Marriage, interruption is usually viewed as dominance. However, if a husband is in love with a woman who appreciates interruption. He should allow the wife's judgment on the matter to guide their interactive style. Some woman find interruption to be a sign of eagerness and therefore, solidarity.
SWEDENBORG ON
INTERRUPTION
Those who achieve conjunction will live together harmoniously and interruption is not a part of their reality, not a part of their heaven. People who achieve conjunction may find once they have entered the kingdom of heaven that not every aspect of themselves is in alignment with their heavenly self and these aspects of their character must be dealt with each in turn until a person is completely in harmonious with all heavenly values and truly reflects that from within.
TAKAHASHI ON
INTERRUPTION
It is my opinion that interruption is not a necessary form of communication. I think it best that when love is guiding a relationship, couples will not have a need for interruption and harmony will prevail.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
TANNEN ON
CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
Men choose to engage in conversation in a style that might be interpreted as being disinterested. Men often choose to not look directly at those around them in conversation, they choose to not want to be close to or touch during conversation even while feeling attached and connected to those they are engaged with in conversation.
SCHLESSINGER ON
CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
Women become overly attached and involved in too many things that give rise to the "white rabbit syndrome." Men being simple creatures will interact in a style that keeps them at a physical distance unless they are interested in intimacy.
JAMES ON
CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
Husbands should be in tune to their wife's needs and set aside time on a daily basis for face to face communication and affection. Husbands should make sure that their wives are happy and well cared for. Wives who feel that they are getting enough attention are more inclined to focusing on guiding the relationship to a deeper level of communication and at the Unity level of marriage, both wives and husbands will benefit greatly from a wife's contentment.
SWEDENBORG ON
CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
Conjugial love is not the same for every person. The degree to which couples interact will vary in heaven, but, the all couples in conjugial love will have a strong degree of attachment and engage with each other in an interested fashion. However, differences will be found in all bonds of conjunction.
TAKAHASHI ON
CONVERSATIONAL STYLE
Conversational style is highly personal and unique. It will always be best to have a more engaged and interactive style. But like the uniqueness of love, conversational style will vary as well.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) UNDERLYING DISCORD
TANNEN ON
UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
People often try to create surface harmony by "sweeping things under the rug." The underlying discord will remain.
SCHLESSINGER ON
UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
Men may sweep things under the rug when they believe the matter is trivial. Men often sweep things under the rug to avoid "nagging" from their wives.
JAMES ON
UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
Every issue must be dealt with and not ignored. If a husband believes in the Unity Model of Marriage and hold its values as his own. He will have the trust required to follow the guidance of his wife. It will be common for the husband to find discord along the path to Unity. Therefore, at such times it helps to review ones values and make appropriate changes to reestablish harmony.
SWEDENBORG ON
UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
Things are never swept under the rug in heaven. Couples who have conjoined have managed to do so by connecting at all levels. It is simply impossible to sweep things under the rug, not address important issues, and remain within conjugial love.
TAKAHASHI ON
UNDERLYING DISCORD WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
Truly conjoined couples will have no place for underlying discord to exist. Those couples striving for Unity must address any underlying issues if they hope to attain a higher level of existence in harmony, love, and mutual respect.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) DOMINANCE
TANNEN ON
DOMINANCE
Dominance is sometimes communicated via indirect means.
SCHLESSINGER ON
DOMINANCE
Men may display dominance indirectly by asking if his wife really intends to wear THAT dress to an event. Women should comply to their men's wishes and be thankful for having them if they bring home a paycheck and not engage in an affair.
JAMES ON DOMINANCE
Dominance is never communicated within the Unity Model of Marriage. The mental union between a husband and his wife is the primary interaction.
SWEDENBORG ON
DOMINANCE
There is no place for dominance to exist when conjugial love in heaven is filled with the greatest joys one can ever experience.
TAKAHASHI ON
DOMINANCE
There is no good in dominance in a relationship. There is no room for such behavior in the hearts of the truly conjoined.
sub-section (a) (c) (d) (e) (f) EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES
TANNEN ON WOMEN'S
EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES
Women have to smile to be viewed positively while men do not.
Women should dress in a flattering way and take care of their bodies for their husbands. They should try to smile a lot and be desirable. They will get more from their marriage with enticing behavior such as this.
JAMES ON WOMEN'S
EXPECTED OUTWARD APPEARANCES
Women do not have to play any role to be come more desirable. Further, women who choose not to smile may be unhappy with their husbands lack of mental intimacy, and it is the husbands responsibility to connect mentally with his wife before asking for physical intimacy with her.
Husbands and wives will recognize each other in heaven and they will still feel the sexual desire they felt in earth in heaven. Fortunately, men and women will all appear to be around the age of 18 in heaven and such pretensions like the requirement that women should smile more is not a part of heaven reality. Such pretensions are simply not within the types of people of that make it into heaven.
I think it is another form of dominance to expect women to have to smile. Additionally it is also a form of control to expect wives to meet their husbands at the door dressed in a certain way for a husband's enjoyment with no thought of what a wife's needs may be.
sub-section (b)
GENDER RELTIONSHIP VIEW COMPARISON CHART
|
TANNEN |
SCHLESSINGER |
JAMES |
SWEDENBORG |
TAKAHASHI |
|
|
Power in a
relationship is held by one. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
|
Power may
be used as a guiding force. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
|
Power is a
goal. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Interruption
is dominance when not perceived as solidarity. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
|
Interruption
is used as a control technique. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Husbands
may choose to disengage with their wives. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
The degree
to which couples interact will vary. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Underlying
discord may exist in a relationship. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
Harmony
must exist at all interactive levels in a
relationship. |
FALSE |
FALSE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
TRUE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dominance
is sometimes communicated indirectly. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
Ideas of
dominance remain in gender discourse. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Women need
to smile to be perceived positively. |
TRUE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
Women need
to maintain outward appearances for men. |
FALSE |
TRUE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
FALSE |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Question I am answering is Question 3. sub-section (a) (b)
Married people will flip-flop between happiness and hatred when they are not conjoined in Unity and the reason this happens is because they may have connected at one of the levels of Unity but not on another. For example, in gender relationships we operate with three interconnected domains of behavior. Only those couples that experience Unity thus the "conjoined self" experience true harmony. Those who don't achieve the "conjoined self" will live in the flip-flop style of interaction with happiness and hatred each taking turn. Further, People can avoid cultural and psychological pitfalls that lead to such a marriage if they work on their three-fold self. The three-fold self is comprised of the affective self that governs feelings and motivations, the cognitive self that governs thinking and reasoning. And, the sensorimotor self that governs sensations, perceptions, and motor acts. It is important to note that while striving for Unity men and women need to drop old traits that conflict with the model and pick up good ones that conform to its teachings. Levels of Unity work from the outside to the inside, to the inmost self.
Data from interview of 20 women supporting the idea:
men are resistance to intimacy. sub-section (d)
Woman #1 age 40
"I think men are resistant to love because they think they will lose their freedom if they become too close with a woman. I'm still looking for someone who possesses that quality."
Woman #2 age 20
"My mother was the first to tell me that men are incapable of mental intimacy."
Woman #3 age 35
"I've never dated a man who displayed mental intimacy."
Woman #4 age 41
"I don't think such a man exists. If you find one let me know."
Woman #5 age 50
"You are a dear to be asking me these questions. First of all, in my generation, we had more set roles that defined marriage. I think it was more expected that when a wife needed mental intimacy, she would call her friends."
Woman #5 age 20
"Well...I don't know, I guess that if you like the tough guys they can be a little rough around the edges. But, hey, that's just how it is, right?"
Woman #6 age 18
"My father was never one I felt I could relate to on an emotional level. So I suppose a lot of men must be like that..."
Woman #7 age 20
"I think men in general are resistant to love and closeness."
Woman #8 age 22
"Well...let me think, yeah I suppose on the most part all my boyfriends have been the alpha male type. But that's what I like, so I just talk to my girlfriends when I need emotional support."
Woman #9 age 22
"I once went out with a guy that said men don't cry. He seemed to be acting most of the time...you know...trying to keep up appearances."
Woman #10 age 39
"Men need their friends to bond with and women need their friends. There is really no problem for couples who don't share mental all time."
Women #11 age 32
"I've often heard that men learn emotional distance from their fathers. I certainly want to find a man who has mental intimacy."
Woman #12 age 18
"Yeah well, I guess it's true...I mean who cares? My brother is like the coldest guy I know and he always has a girlfriend."
Woman #13 age 41
"I have personally found a man with mental intimacy...thank goodness. However, I strongly feel that it is very difficult to find such a man, because most men are raised in our society shunning mental intimacy...like it is some kind of threat to their masculinity."
Woman #14 age 42
"I once dated a guy who could not understand that I wanted to connect with him emotionally before we had sex. He saw no problem in expecting sex with no emotional connection."
Woman #15 age 35
"Once this guy I used to date spent two hours watching football and then two minutes talking to me before expecting sex."
Woman #16 age 20
I want a guy I feel like I can share anything with. I don't plan to settle for anything less."
Woman #17 age 49
My husband shares mental intimacy with me, but, he did not do that for many years in the beginning of our marriage. I think it is a process that a couple can work towards together."
Woman #18 age 58
"My husband and I have mental intimacy, but it depends on the subject. For example, we can't talk about my illness, because it makes him sad. So, when I need emotional support about my health I call my sister. But, on other issues, I think we can talk about most things."
Woman #19 age 30
"I have yet to find a man with mental intimacy to the degree that I want. I want to have just as meaningful conversation with a man as I do my best friend. Most of my boyfriends seem to want to spend more time watching football and hanging at the bar with their buddies then really connecting on an emotional level."
Woman #20 age 24
"I've been accused of being too needy when I've requested a deeper level of communication in a relationship."
sub-section (d) continued
Discussion of what this interview list can be used
for:
The compilation of the above list showing how twenty women of various ages feel about men and their resistance to intimacy might be used to educate men in what women want. I think most men would be willing to give it a try, if they could clearly see that in doing so, would give them an advantage. The list can also be used to educate women, on how they should make mental intimacy a requirement in the relationships in which they engage.
sub-section (e)
My thoughts on question 3:
According the Unity Model of Marriage, women are motivated to at prod men in an effort to make them more aware of their feelings. Unfortunately, for many men the "prodding" is interpreted as unpleasant. I think women should try their best to continue to help the men in their lives become more aware of their feelings, but do it in a kind and caring manner. I think more men will not find such careful prodding to be too objectionable.
The Question I am answering is Question 11.
sub-section (a)
Unity Model in Marriage:
Ennead Chart of Growth Steps
This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM
UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
level 1 |
|||