Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Susan Ventrucci

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/psy23/409b-g23-report2.htm

I am answering Questions 2,3,4,11,13

The question I am answering is question 2:

(a) Contrast the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tannen in Gender Issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband, and James in The Unity Model of Marriage.

(b) Your analysis should also include a chart or table that shows the differences between the four books in a systematic way.

(d) How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart?

(e) How are your ideas influenced by each of these four three different perspectives on marriage?

(f) Anything else you have to say

(a) Throughout Deborah Tannen’s book, she is advocate that perceived gender differences in communication are not caused by biological differences between sexes, but rather by society and situational factors. She works to falsify the notion that males and females communicate in stereotypical ways because of their sex.

Tannen views gender as something that we simply are, but it is not the core reason for how we communicate. Although, she admits that gender can lead to different, common ways of communication from a male or a female based on what society expects from them. It is important to note here that she attributes this common form of communication from a gender to environment, not biology.

For example, in a patriarchal society one might tend to see more quiet listening and agreement from a female in a conversation with a male than if you were to look at out society for example where it would most likely look more like an equal conversation with both genders offering opinions and arguments on an issue. Females in the patriarchal society are not acting submissive because they are by nature, but because their society expects it of them. If their actions were due to nature, we would see similar behavior in women from all societies.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a very set opinion about gender relationships. She bases her ideas strongly on sex, that is, biology of the male versus the female.

Her view is that the male is the dominant one and the female is the submissive one. She believes male and female relationships today should, to a lesser degree, mimic ideas from caveman times, that is, they should play on each gender’s biological predispositions. The man should be the breadwinner and provide for and protect his family while the woman should stay at home and care for the husband, kids, and household. The male should conquer while the female should nurture.

Along with these ideas comes the idea of the dominance of the male with the female submitting to him. In gender relationships according to Dr. Laura, the female needs to be guided by the male and is dependent on him not only to provide financially for the family, but to make the major decisions.

In Dr. Laura’s theory on gender relationships, the male and female care about each other very much and they both are very supportive of eache other, but in very different ways. How they care for and support the other is based on biology and innate tendencies of the different sexes that go way back in the history of humans.

In the book the Lazy Husband, Dr. Coleman offers a similar view to Dr. Laura in that he sees the husbands with an overall advantage in a power struggle between him and his wife. However, he does not believe that the husbands’ advantage is based on biology, rather he says it is based on the fact that our society has put women in a submissive role for so long. Being that he sees men as women as essentially equal, he believes women can challenge men and bring themselves up to the same level.

Dr. Coleman says that men and women are equal and therefore both or either should provide an income for the family and they should have an equal say in decision making. However, he does realize that while men and women are equal, they can still operate in different ways. He believes that men and women communicate very differently and tend to have different ideas of what is appropriate and fair and what is not. The focus of his book thin is an approach for women to better understand men and efforts they can make to relate to their man in a way that he will understand and efforts they can make to get him to change and treat her more equally.

While Dr. Coleman seems to believe that men and women are equal, his book still has undertones of male dominance. For example, the whole book is directed towards women and puts the task of change all on them while expecting the man is going to resist change the whole way. This does not sound like equity.

While it seems Dr. Coleman’s views are a little confused, he believes that gender relationships are a product of society and that our society should strive for more equality amongst men and women.

Dr. James offers a unique idea about gender relationships. He offers the Unity Model of Marriage. This model puts men and women as equals and sees them as opposite and reciprocal. That is, innate differences between men and women are recognized and seen as necessary for a relationship to work. However, these differences do not put one gender in a position of power over the other. In the Unity Model, the man aligns himself with the woman not because she is in a position of more power, but because he wants to. He is chosing to be in this kind of relationship.

In the Unity Model, the man and woman care about each other very much and want to try to align their feelings and ideas and support each other.

While this is how gender relationships work in Dr. James’ ideal Unity Model, he acknowledges that all relationships start in the dominance model with the male exerting power over the female and the couple works up to the unity model from there.

In Dr. James’ Unity Model, the gender relationship is a result of the couple’s choices and efforts. They are there because they want to be there with their partner. They are not there because of societal influences or their biological tendencies as a certain sex.

(b)

	Author believes gender	Author believes gender	Author believes one partner
	relationships are based partly	relationships are based partly	exerts dominance over the
	or all on biology	or all on society	other in some form
Tannen
"Gender Discourse"	NO	YES	NO

Dr. Laura
"The Proper Care
and Feeding of	YES	YES	YES
Husbands"

Dr. Coleman
"The Lazy Husband"	NO	YES	YES

Dr. James
"The Unity Model	YES	YES	NO
of Marriage"

(c) I personally believe that while this chart gives a general overview of the different ideas of all of the books, it is still hard to clearly define some of these author’s opinions.

Tannen’s reading and ideas are very straight forward. She flat out says that she does not think biology is involved and society is what controls gender relationships, but when it comes to one partner exerting dominance over the other, that’s where it gets a bit confusing. While she says that in some societies one gender tends to dominate conversations, she does not say this is true of all societies. Since Tannen considers so many factors in a conversation and deciding who is the dominant one, I thought that gender was not enough to determine dominance.

While Dr. Laura’s opinions are for the most part straight forward, I had to think a little for what to put in the societal influence category. I put yes here because while Dr. Laura does have a lot of ideas that stem from biology, she also does mention what it means to be a “lady” and to feel like a real woman or a real man. She is referring to gender stereotypes in these situations as set by societal standards.

For Dr. Coleman’s book, as I mentioned in section A, it is a bit confusing if he actually considers one gender dominant. While he is pushing for equality among couples, he believes that woman are dealing with their husband’s resistance to equality. The husband is resisting giving up his dominance in the marriage. In this case, one partner may begin as being dominant, but the relationship may not continue in that fashion.

In Dr. James’ model, he recognizes that men and women are different due to biology and society. That is simple enough. The confusing part is whether he is saying that the woman is dominant over the man or not. In my opinion, he is not saying this. While the man often conforms to the woman’s ideas and feelings, she is not dominating him. The man is choosing to do this because he wants to. The woman cannot make him. He has to want to.

(d) When it comes to my own views, they do not exactly match any of the views given by the books exactly. However, I know that I am very much opposed to the dominance view offered by Dr. Laura. I would have to say that my own views of an ideal gender relationship, according to the chart in section b, would be most closely related to the Unity Model of Marriage.

I do not think that one sex or the other should be seen as less capable in any way because of their gender. While I do agree that there are biological differences between the sexes, I do not think that these in any way, especially in our modern society, validate submission to a partner of the opposite sex. I also agree that men and women are raised differently and society conditions them differently. Again, this is not reason for the woman to be in a submissive role.

(e) After being enrolled in this class and learning a lot about the three different models of marriage that we studied, my own ideas have been greatly influenced. Before, I always strived to be fiercely independent. I felt like I did not need anyone else in my life for anything and I certainly did not want to let anyone help me because I felt like I would be taking power away from myself and handing it over to them. I would say that my ideal relationship at that time would be in the Equity Model.

However, after studying these different models, I have become more open minded. I realize why the dominance model might appeal to some people. I am also able to realize some of the positive ideas and suggestions from each model that we studied. One of the most important realizations I came to though, was that there is a deeper level of caring and loving out there than I knew existed.

I always thought the Equity Model was ideal because in this model you get to have your own activities and work and friends outside of your relationship with your partner. I like this because this meant that you were not depending too much on one person to fulfill your needs and make you happy. While I still cling to this idea and think it is important to have some of your own activities and free time outside of the marriage relationship, the Unity Model has shown me a new way to care about and love someone.

In the Unity Model, both partners want to make the other happy above all else. And, in giving up themselves for their partner, their relationship becomes stronger and they actually end up gaining so much more than what they are giving. There is no competition and power struggle like in the Equity model. Only mutual love and admiration. These are many things that I did not see myself having in a relationship that I now believe are possible and ideal.

(f) One more thing I want to add is that anyone who has not studied the three models of marriage, I think it is very important to do. Your marriage does not have to reflect what your parent’s had. There are so many different levels that you and your partner can interact. I think that in order to have a good, lasting relationship, it is important to be educated and know what kinds of possibilities are out there.

The Question I am answering is question 3:

A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.

(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.

(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.

(d) The unity model says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview several women of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of 10 to 20 items that highlight what the women have said about their experiences with men's resistance to intimacy. Discuss the list and what it can be used for.

(e) Anything else you have to say.

(a) A situation where the husband and wife are getting along well and then suddenly get into a fight and treat each other unkindly is typical behavior found in the dominance and unity model.

In both of these models, it is not uncommon for the partners to be conjoined at the sensorimotor level (as in the example from this question), or even the cognitive level. However, as is the case with any level of marriage that a couple resides within, the husband can revoke his commitment to anything above the dominance level and revert back to being the partner with the upper hand.

This happens because the husband has not completely devoted himself to the unity model. If he were in the unity model with his wife, the fight would not have happened because they would have worked something out kindly with each other, even if it meant that the husband had to align himself with the wife’s way of thinking.

However, being that they are not in the unity model, the husband felt challenged or threatened and wanted to regain control of the situation. To do this, he reverted back to a model where he was the dominant one and used classic dominance techniques, such as arguing, yelling, and saying unkind things to his wife to try to prove his point, and or get what he wanted. This reversion on the husband’s part caused a hurtful argument between he and his wife which clearly showed they had not yet learned how to reside together within the Unity Model.

(b) If married partners want to avoid this type of situation all together, they must work very hard and come to reside within the Unity Model. More importantly, they must be conjoined at the affective level of the three fold self, the “inmost level of unity”.

Unfortunately, being conjoined at this level is not easy task. It involves aligning their ...”feeling, motivations, loves, and ultimate goals of happiness and togetherness. Only conjoint feeling, loves, desires, or goals are allowed to remain operational in their mind.” When a couple is “conjoined” at the affective level, it means they have achieved all of the fore mentioned items.

Being that it is clearly stated in the Unity Model that couples are opposite and reciprocal, one can see how aligning oneself to someone opposite and reciprocal could be difficult. One must change some of their ideas and feelings about many subjects.

Unfortunately for the man, the task of conformity to the other partner falls on him. For the man and woman to be truly conjoined in the Unity Model, the husband must conform his actions, thoughts, and feelings (all levels of the three fold self) to his wife. He does this with the knowledge that the wife knows what is best for the relationship and her ultimate goal in all of her thoughts and actions and feelings is to further better and conjoin the relationship. Most importantly, he does this willingly because he knows that the rewards of doing this are far greater than anything he has to give up.

If a couple works very hard and comes to rest in the Unity Model and are conjoined at the affective level of the three fold self, they will never have incidents like the one described in this question. The issue will become resolved long before it has a chance to become an argument.

If any type of conflict between the husband and wife were to arise and it was serious enough to cause the wife distress, they husband would immediately recognize this and remedy it. Even if it meant changing the way he viewed the situation so that he was able to adapt into his own mental schemas, some version of the situation that conformed to how his wife thought and felt about it.

If a husband and wife were able to operate at this level, they would never have hurtful and abusive arguments.

(c) I had some difficulty with this section of the question. First of all, it is a little awkward to go up to a friend or family member and ask them to identify trouble areas in their relationship. Also, it was difficult to explain to them exactly what I mean when I asked them how their partner resisted “unity”. Finally, I do not know a couple that actually falls into the Unity Model of marriage, so obviously all of the answers I received were biased towards the equity of dominance model of marriage. I asked six different women to list some things their husbands or boyfriends do that make the woman believe he is resisting unity. Here is alist of some of the more common answers I received.

1. He picks fights

2. He feels he needs to be right and will ignore what I have to say prove he is right.

3. His solutions to problems we are experiencing seem selfish. The answer he proposes fits him quite well, but does not seem to take me much into consideration.

4. Sometimes it seems his friends are more important than me.

5. He often has activities going on outside of the relationship that do not involve me (example, sports games, poker night, bowling night)

6. I will ask him to do something and he forgets.

7. Sometimes when I am talking he does not pay attention and then later when I bring up the conversation, he has no recollection of it.

8. If I tell him a problem I am having, he tries to solve it for me instead of just supporting me.

9. If I try to have a discussion with him, it often turns into an argument where we are both trying to prove our points over the other.

10. If we are in a fight, he will sometimes walk away from me, start yelling, or refuse to talk about something.

It is important to note that all of the women also had many positive things to say about their partner. They all said they were overall happy in their relationships.

Looking at this list, there are many different things that we could conclude from it. Some of these things seem significant while others seem like, in the big picture, they are not actually all that important. What all of these have in common though are that they are fairly common ways in which men resist unity with their wives.

Now, another thing I think needs to be mentioned when one looks at this list is that many men, and women for that matter, do not know what the Unity Model is. It needs to be noted that men are not being accused of not wanting to conform to the Unity Model, although this is often the case. I am stating that men generally will resist the Unity Model, whether they are doing it consciously or not. This is a generalization and cannot be assumed for all men, as some of the women I interviewed pointed out. T

If, though, the woman wants to identify where her relationship is, she can look at this list. If her husband fits any of these common classifications, her relationship is not in the Unity Model. Furthermore, these are probably areas she should begin to work on with her husband to move towards the Unity Model.

The list above are some common techniques husbands will use to get what they want, to avoid dealing with what they do not want to. Basically, the goal of these tactics is to make things overall easier for him and to resist unity with the wife. When a husband and wife are not in the Unity Model, they are not conjoined and the husband will often use these tactics (which generally place him in a dominant role) while interacting with his wife.

(d) This was a very difficult question for me to answer. It forces you to really look at the Unity Model and how it operates. In doing so, it is impossible not to examine your own relationship and those of ones close to you. It really makes you think about your interactions.

Another hard thing about answering this question is that it seems so accusatory towards men. On the one hand, I do believe there are some generalized immature behaviors and tactics that men use to get what they want, but on the other hand, I have a hard time saying that the woman does not sometimes resort to similar tactics. Even if she is doing it for different reasons than the man, I cannot think of anyone, man or woman, I know in a marriage relationship that has not done something selfish or hurtful to the other. Something that was not for the good of the partnership.

The next question I chose to answer is question 4:

a) Select one or more techniques explained in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations.

(b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or some other couples you know.

(c) Describe what you did, what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with the unity model.

(d) Anything else you have to say.

(a) I chose to look at the section from the lecture notes titled “Areas of Observation for Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive equity vs. Cognitive Unity”. I chose to observe my parent’s relationship. I feel like this question addresses a very intimate question about another’s relationship. I feel like I have a fairly clear idea about what my parent’s relationship is like being that I lived with them for eighteen years. I chose to make by observation at this level because while I think they are well past being conjoined at the sensorimotor level, and many areas of the cognitive level of the threefold self, they have still not moved out of the cognitive area. Granted, neither of them has ever heard of the Unity Model of marriage and I feel like they would be able to reach it if they wanted to. However, I felt like the cognitive level would be the most interesting to observe them at. They have made a lot of progress at this level, but have not yet moved past it.

(c) In doing this experiment, I read the questions to be considered when observing a couple. I already knew what my thoughts and answers were because I was applying them to very familiar relationship which I feel like I know very well. However, I chose to think about them for a couple of days and tried to really observe my parents from an outside perspective and tried to be as un-biased as possible in the observations I made. I tried to look at their relationship as if I was someone who did not know them and was observing them for the first time.

The section about cognitive observation between a couple asks ten questions. While there are no right answers to these questions and they do not clearly state how what mode of marriage you are placed in if you respond to the question in a certain way, I was able to make assumptions and draw conclusions based on my observation and knowledge of the models of marriage and the three fold self we have studied all semester in Dr. James’ class. So, after much thought and some observation of my parent’s relationship, this is what I thought of each of these ten questions:

The first question asks “What do the two partners think of each other in term of who controls whom, when and how.”? I think that my parents are an interesting couple because if you explore their values and their ideas, I would say they reside generally within the dominance model, but if you look at most of their behavior, especially that of my dad one would think of them as more of being in the equity model. Let me explain this:

My mom went to college and became a teacher. She had a full time, good job when she married my dad. However, when they began having kids, she left work to stay at home. This is classic dominance model behavior. When my sisters and I grew older, she went back to work, part time, and then full time. However, she was always the one with the majority of the responsibility in the upkeep of the house, no matter how much she worked. She will never make a serious decision on her own, she always says, ‘let’s ask your dad’. As I said, they live in a house that resembles the dominance model.

While they live like this, the part of their relationship that is not the dominance model is how my dad treats my mom. I have never once seen him demonstrate classic dominance model behavior. I have not once in my life heard him raise his voice at her. He has never said, ‘I am the head of this household and this is how we are going to do it.’ I have never even heard him disagree with my mother. He is always very kind to her and treats her with nothing but love and respect. When she has a problem or a decision to make, she will tell him about it and he will discuss it with her and tell her what he thinks, but never tell her what to do. He knows it is her decision. When she decided to go back to work, he encouraged it and was happy for her.

This is why I think their relationship is so interesting to observe. They show so much potential to be in the Unity Model of Marriage, but at the same time, they are not quite in the egalitarian model in their everyday lives. I believe they have enough mutual love and respect for each other to achieve the unity model, but because of when and how they grew up, they would not be very open to it.

So, getting back to the first question, I think my mother feels more comfortable giving control of some things to my father, and he is okay with that. However, for the most part, they share control and no one ever demands control in any situation.

In regards to the second question from this section about how they use the “equity philosophy” in their relationship, I would say it is similar to the above answer. My mom takes care of the home for the most part, and my dad makes most of the money. They are comfortable with this. This is what they both want. They do things because they have decided to together that it is what works out best for them.

For example, my mom used to handle all of the bill paying. Then, my dad got a system on the computer that made it all very simple for him to pay the bills. He talked to my mom and asked if she would like him to pay the bills. She said she would be fine trying that out for a while. They really use the equity model and work things out equally between them. They do this because how they think about each other would place them in the equity model.

The third question about their attitudes about one partner trying to influence the other is not really relevant in their relationship. I have never seen one of them try to change something about the other or prevent the other from doing something. If anything, they are usually very supportive of each other in whatever the other decides to do. In this sense, they would be in the Unity Model. Neither of them wants the other to change how they are. They love and respect one another and do not think that their own ideas are necessarily more important than the other’s.

The fourth question is similar to the third. In regards to what each partner thinks of the other’s opinions and views, there is not much to say here. They tend to agree on a lot. I have never seen them show anything but respect for each other. This can definitely be attributed to aspects of the Unity Model. When they first got together, I know that there were some things they did not agree on. Politics is one example. However, being together all of these years, they aligned how they feel about this subject. It was something that was important to both of them and they were able to agree on it. This shows strong resemblance to Unity Model characteristics.

The fifth question asks what the two partners seriously disagree about. I have never seen them seriously disagree about anything. This is an important aspect of the Unity Model. They both care about each other and would rather make the other happy than focus on making their own point. In this way, they are able to stop arguments before they start.

The sixth question asks about agreement between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife. This is an area where they are not quite aligned. They both have a strong faith in God, but not in the way the Unity Model explains it.

There is also a little friction here between them in the area of religion. They are both strong Christians, but they grew up different denominations. My mom converted to my dad’s denomination, but it is something that still bothers her. There are things about the religion that really bother her still all these later. I think she wishes she had not felt obligated to convert to his denomination.

As far as the afterlife, I do not think that either of them feels that they can foresee exactly what it will be like. While I am sure they fantasize that they will be with each other in heaven, they believe that first and foremost they are in heaven to be with God.

This aspect of their relationship reflects more the dominance model of marriage. My dad said that he could not change his religion. He reverted to the dominance model and put his foot down. He used his power as a man to get my mom to become a part of his religious community and give up her own.

The seventh question addresses how the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other’s ideas. In this way, I think they fall into the dominance model. My mom is a very intelligent woman, but she is sometimes timid when it comes to putting ideas of her own out there. She often looks to my dad to lead conversations in these areas. My dad does this, willingly and well. At the same time though, he never belittles her in doing so. He is very aware of how intelligent she is. I think he sees her as an intellectual equal even though she may not feel that way.

If they were more centered in the Unity Model, my mom would not feel pressure from society or tradition to look to him as the more intelligent one in the relationship. Outside influences would not matter. She would know and be comfortable with how intelligent she was and she would also know how much her husband respected and admired that.

The eight question looks at communication between the couple. How open are they with each other. My parents do communicate well, but they are reserved with some things. I think especially my dad. Often, he will not tell my mom some things right away or at all. Not because he means to keep it a secret, but because he does not see it as being important and affecting her everyday life. In this way I think he distances their relationship a bit.

My mom in this case will always share things, but she can be very timid in how she communicates. She is a very reserved person and will discuss things, but not always as openly as is needed to make communication between them easy.

This keeps them out of the Unity Model. If they were more open and sharing with each other, they would understand each other better and be more unified.

In exploring the ninth question, how much do they believe in marriage myths, I think they do believe in many of them. I know that my dad has never said anything about my mom nagging him and I do not think he believes that she does. They do both have their own hobbies outside of the marriage though. Having never heard them talk about any of these things, it is hard to know what they think about these concepts.

(d) This question was very interesting to answer. I really thought it was neat to look at a relationship you are so comfortable with and think you know so well and then apply all of this new knowledge to it. It is like you are looking at it with new eyes. Also, you never really sit down and think about the where your parent’s relationship falls. You just know that it is there and that it is working okay. This really gave me a chance to look at it objectively and see it for what it really is.

Question 11 is as follows:

(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as "sexual blackmail." Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?

(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics:

(i) housework
(ii) jealousy, and
(iii) a third area of your own choosing.

(d) Anything else you have to say.

(b) I first read about sexual blackmail in the lecture notes by Dr. James. Then, we discussed this concept in class. When I first read about it, I was a bit confused and did not really understand all that is behind the concept. However, I was initially shocked by the title as well as what I did understand of the idea. Part of my shock came from the fact that such a seemingly common occurrence had been given such an alarming title.

When we started talking about the concept in class, I gained more knowledge about the concept and began to better understand exactly how it worked. My initial reaction that this is a very common thing, unfortunately, in no way diminished

This is how I have come to understand sexual blackmail through reading about it and class discussion. Sexual blackmail occurs when a husband takes advantage of his dominance in a relationship, his wife’s love and desire to make him happy, and societal expectations of him as a man to pressure his wife or make her feel obligated to have sex with him when she otherwise would chose not to. Now, I believe that a man may not even be aware that he is doing this, this comes from my earlier observation that this is a very common occurrence. Also, sexual blackmail puts women in what Dr. James has labeled as a “double bind”.

Let me explain a few things a bit further. I believe that when a man does not know he is using sexual blackmail to get sex from his wife this occurs for a few reasons. First of all, most men have probably never heard of this term, therefore, they are unable to identify when they are doing it. Also, as I have already mentioned, they probably do not think much of it when they are doing it. We see it all the time in T.V. shows or hear stories about it. The commonality of it makes it seem as if it is not really a big deal.

One other aspect I wanted to look at is that the word blackmail usually provokes thoughts of violence, intentional deceit, and manipulation. The ways, according to Dr. James’ definition in which sexual blackmail can occur can be so subtle that we do not associate it with our preconceived notion of blackmail. Sexual blackmail can be as simple as a husband looking at his wife with big sad eyes and saying, ‘please Honey? I had a really stressful week. This would really make me feel so much better.’ To something more obvious like a husband saying, ‘well if you really loved me, you would want to sleep with me.’

Sexual blackmail puts a woman in a double bind because she feels torn. She is torn between pleasing her husband and her own feelings of esteem and worth. If a woman gives into her husband’s sexual desires when she does not want to, it is possible that she will end up feeling like a prostitute afterwards. Like her husband used her for sex. At the same time though, she loves this man and feels bad about saying no to him. She may believe that sex is something that he, as a man, needs and that she is wrong in denying him that. She may even fear that if she does not give it to him, he will seek it outside of the marriage.

So now, my reaction to this idea after I have spent some time learning about it and thinking about it. After my initial reaction of thinking that the title given of sexual blackmail was a bit too harsh for the concept it explained, I changed my thinking in this way. While I still think that sexual blackmail is incredibly common and accepted by both men and women, I now am more against the idea.

I always believed that when one is married, it was normal for the man to want more sex and not uncommon for the woman to give into that at least some of the time to keep her husband happy. I cannot identify exactly where this belief came from, but it has always been there in my mind. However, the approach which Dr. James explains about sex between a husband and wife that the Unity Model of Marriage seems tremendously more desirable. I now realize that sexual blackmail does not have to be common. In fact, it should not ever occur between a truly conjoined couple.

According to the Unity Model, if the wife and husband are truly conjoined with one another, the desire to have sex with the partner will be high for both the man and wife. Furthermore, if the wife, for any reason, does not wish to have sex, the man is the one who has to conform to this. He is supposed to figure out why the wife does not want to have sex. Perhaps he has done something to make her feel upset or disconnected from him. Perhaps she just does not want to right then. The man must absolutely respect this.

This seems much more appealing. In this situation, the wife and husband both desire to be intimate with each other on a regular basis. However, there is no pressure. It is only mutual caring, love, and respect that joins the two so closely at such an intimate level.

Now, I would have to say that my opinion against sexual blackmail is stronger. I am more upset by the idea as I have realized it does not have to be the norm. I now find the idea of it to be more offensive and upsetting.

On that note, I talked to a few other women about the topic to see what they thought. First, I had to explain to them exactly what sexual blackmail was. The reactions I got were a bit mixed.

On the one side, after talking to one woman, her reaction was, “yeah, that happens.” She understood the concept and accepted it as absolutely normal. She went on to say that the guy always wants more sex than the woman. That is normal. She understands that the woman sometimes decides to go along with the man’s desires to make him happy. Her attitude was very non-chalant. She seemed to accept sexual blackmail as a part of every relationship and did not see it as a big deal, but simply something that woman gave into sometime because they love their husbands.

All of the women I talked to agreed with at least some of these points. They all said that they wanted to make their husbands happy and sometimes went along with his desires to do this. They also all said that he tended to want to have sex more often than they would. They also all said it was a fairly normal thing and never thought their husband was intentionally “blackmailing” them.

Another woman I interviewed who had slightly different views, agreed that she did experience sexual blackmail sometimes and she did think that due to society, it is seen as normal. However, she commented that she felt bad about herself when this did happen. She knew what was going on and found herself in the familiar double bind. Not wanting to hurt her husband, but at the same time, not wanting to feel bad about herself. She said she was “frustrated” by the situation and wish she never found herself in it.

I think that everyone’s comments and reactions were within expectation. It did not surprise me that some women insisted that sexual blackmail was not a big deal. As I have said again and again, it is so common that it has become accepted as normal. These women do not know anything else. It is hard to imagine things being any other way when you only know one thing. However, being that women have an innate sense of what a truly close and loving relationship is, it also did not surprise me that most of them expressed some type of frustration or sense of unfairness with the situation.

i) Housework

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband finds pleasure in assisting his wife and seeing that is makes her happy.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband feels it is his responsibility to help out.	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband wants to help with household work.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband feels “like a man” when his wife does the housework, but will contribute.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband and wife begin to question the level of the man’s involvement. Should he be doing more? Is this fair?	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES Wife is motivated to convince the husband it is only fair that he is more involved.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband expects the wife to all of the housework, and she expects to be responsible for all of the housework.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband is resistant to assisting with housework and thinks of ways to make wife feel responsible for it.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES Husband is motivated to find ways to make wife believe she is responsible for housework.

ii) Jelousy

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Partners are very secure with their relationshipwhen they interact with each other and others and have not fear	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Truly beleve that there is no threat of unfaithfulness.	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES No concerns about unfaithfulness from either partner.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS JELOUSY SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Partner feels control when they feel they have done something to stop interaction with the other sex.	5 SENSUOUS JELOUSLY COGNITIVE PROCESSES Evaluates faithfulness of other partner.	6 SENSUOUS JELOUSLY AFFECTIVE STATES Motivated to show other partner that they are capable of being without them. If the other partner cheats, they do not need them.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 DOMINANCE SENSORIMOTOR JELOUSY Partner feels they can control other partner’s faithfulness by directly controlling their interactions with the opposite sex.	2 DOMINANCE COGNITIVE JELOUSLY Tries to control the partner by dropping hints or implying that the other should be careful and not cheat.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES Tries to control the other partner’s interactions with opposite sex by making them feel guilty.

iii) Time Spent Outside the Marriage

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	THREEFO0LD SELF
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS	SENSORIMOTOR (external)	COGNITIVE (internal)	AFFECTIVE (inmost)
level 3 UNITY Rational Mentality	7 RATIONAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Partners are happy to spend time together.	8 RATIONAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Partners feel very connected want to spend their time with each other.	9 RATIONAL AFFECTIVE STATES Partners have everything they need within the relationship and have no want or reason to seek things independent of the relationship.
level 2 EQUITY Sensuous Mentality	4 SENSUOUS SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband feels freedom when he has activities outside of the marriage.	5 SENSUOUS COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband begins to question if it is fair for him to spend time outside of the marriage.	6 SENSUOUS AFFECTIVE STATES Partners are competitive about who has more going on outside of the relationship.
level 1 DOMINANCE Corporeal Mentality	1 CORPOREAL SENSORIMOTOR ACTS Husband views activities outside of the marriage as fun and necessary. Will do them with no reservations.	2 CORPOREAL COGNITIVE PROCESSES Husband want to convince the wife that he needs to spend time doing things outside of their marriage.	3 CORPOREAL AFFECTIVE STATES Strives to make the partner submit to this idea

(e) This question was a very hard one. It involved a lot of time not only to think about the responses, but to interview and discuss concepts with other people. Making the charts was particularly difficult. I struggled with these for some time. You have to have a very firm understanding of the models of marriages in relation to the three-fold self in order to construct the charts.

The final question I will be answering is question number 13. It is as follows:

(a) Create three dialogues between a husband and wife. Each dialog should represent one of the three models of marriage discussed in the Lecture Notes. Each dialog should contain at least 8 talking turns by each of the two partners, and no more than 12 each. A talking turn can be as brief as a nod or grunt, and as long as several sentences. Preface each dialog with a paragraph explaining the context of the conversation and the topic.

(b) Analyze and contrast the dialogues to show how they each illustrate one of the models. Focus on the threefold self (this is a requirement). Use the entire ennead chart, or parts thereof, to discuss and contrast the dialog segments you analyze.

(a)

Dialogue 1: Dominance Model

Husband: “Honey, I’m home. (No response) Honey? Where are you?” (Calls wife’s cell phone)

Wife: Hello?

Husband: Hi. Where are you?

Wife: Oh, I’m out at the store. My friend told me about this great dessert and I wanted to pick up the ingredients to make it for dinner tonight. Then I thought we could-

Husband: (interrupting) So you made dinner for tonight? What are we having?

Wife: Pork chops.

Husband: Again? Why don’t you ever make anything I like?

Wife: The kids asked for them. They love pork chops.

Husband: Okay fine. Maybe you can actually make something I like tomorrow.

Wife: I’ll see what I can do.

Husband: You know, Jim’s wife makes whatever he asks for every night for dinner.

Wife: (sarcastically) How fortunate for Jim.

Husband: (also sarcastic) Yeah, that sure must be nice.

Wife: So what I was trying to tell you earlier, I was thinking that tonight maybe we could go catch a movie after dinner. The kids don’t have much homework, they could go to my sister’s house for a few hours.

Husband: Yeah, sure. There’s a new action movie coming out that I want to see. Let’s go to that one.

Wife: Okay, I guess.

Husband: Listen, can you please hurry up and get home. The kids are going to be home from soccer soon and I don’t want to have to take care of them. I had a long day at work. Besides, I’m starving. I want some dinner.

Wife: I’ll be home in a few minutes. Bye.

Husband: Bye.

Dialogue 2: Equity Model

Wife: (Arriving home after work) Wow! Traffic was horrible!

Husband: Yeah, it was bad for me too. It took me forty five minutes to get home.

Wife: What do you want for dinner tonight?

Husband: I don’t know, I was hoping that you had something in mind.

Wife: There’s this new Japanese restaurant I want to try.

Husband: Well, actually, I was hoping we could eat in. We both agreed that we need to watch our spending this month. I don’t think eating out all the time is necessary.

Wife: You’re right. We do need to watch our spending. But we don’t eat out every night. You know that. What were you expecting, that I would come home after a horrible day at work and make a gourmet meal?

Husband: Don’t be so defensive. You know that’s not what I meant. All I’m saying is that I do a lot of the cooking, maybe tonight it should be your turn. Besides, my work is just as hard as yours is, that should not have anything to do with it.

Wife: Okay, fine. I will make dinner. Just don’t complain about what I make.

Husband: Thank you.

(A few minutes later, in the kitchen)

Husband: You know that party we have to go to for my cousin this weekend? What do you think we should get him?

Wife: Well, I was just thinking we should get him a nice bottle of wine. It’s a nice, simple gift. We don’t spend that much time with him, so I don’t want to get anything too extravagant.

Husband: Good idea. Maybe we can go before the party on Saturday and pick out a nice bottle.

Wife: That sounds like a good idea.

Husband: So, if I help you with the dishes after dinner and I pick up the living room for you, do you think we would have time to go to the bookstore tonight?

Wife: Yeah, that sounds nice. Thanks for offering to help me with the housework.

Dinner will be ready in about half an hour. Could you set the table for me.

Husband: Sure.

Dialogue 3: Unity Model

(A couple sitting at the breakfast table in the morning)

Wife: How did you sleep last night?

Husband: Just fine. How about you? I know your back has been bothering you lately. Was it bad last night?

Wife: Oh no, it was okay. Say, I have to run a few errands today. Would you like to go along with me?

Husband: Sure. What do you need to get?

Wife: Well, I need to pick up some laundry detergent and a thank you note for my parents for sending us that gift on our anniversary.

Husband: That sounds like a good idea.

(Wife clears the breakfast dishes from the table and putting them in the sink)

Husband: I can wash those up if you need time to go get ready.

Wife: Thanks for offering, but I think I will just do it real quick.

Husband: Why don’t you let me do it?

Wife: Well, sometimes you don’t get all of the food specks off of the plates and you leave water spots on the glasses.

Husband: (takes the dishes from the wife) I will be very careful not to do that anymore. Go ahead and get ready. Don’t worry about the dishes.

Wife: (Looks at husband with loving and appreciative eyes) Thank you Honey. I love you. I will be ready in twenty minutes.

Husband: I love you too. I will be ready to go when you are.

(Twenty minutes later the wife and husband are riding in the car and holding hands. The wife starts talking and the husband turns down the radio to listen to her)

Wife: Well, I finally called my sister this morning and gave her an answer about that loan she had been asking for. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to loan her money. I told her all the reasons why just like you and I had discussed.

Husband: Good for you Honey. I know that was hard for you, but I really feel like you did the right thing.

Wife: I think so too. I knew all along it was never a good idea to loan her money, I just felt badly saying no.

Husband: I know it is hard to say no, but I really felt the same way about the situation. You definitely did the right thing.

Wife: Thanks.

(b) Upon analyzing the first dialogue, we can see many elements of the dominance model of marriage. Obvious signs that this couple resides in the dominance model include the fact that the husband expects the wife to be at home when he returns from work. Also, he expects that dinner is ready. Furthermore, he does not do a very good job of listening to the wife and is almost indifferent to what she had to say. He shows no indication of willing to help her with dinner and outright tells her that he does not even want to be home alone for a little while with the kids because that would involve taking care of them.

Besides all of that, the husband tries to make the wife feel guilty about not making specifically what he wants for dinner. This relates to the third cell from table 7b. The husband is striving to maintain dominance over his wife and is using guilt as a tactic to try and keep her in the subordinate roll.

In the dominance model, the couple is often conjoined at the sensorimotor level, and nothing beyond that. The sensorimotor relationship refers to the external relationship. This means that the husband and wife share similar interests in how to spend free time and enjoy doing many of the same activities. They enjoy spending time together, especially outside of the house.

Here, we see that both the husband and wife seem to enjoy going to the movies. This is the one part in their conversation where they were not bickering and showed some type of agreement, even though the husband took it upon himself to pick the movie without even asking the wife. Any part of the conversation beyond this sensorimotor activity, however, did not go very smoothly.

It is obvious by observing this conversation that there is not a lot of love and affection between the couple in their everyday interactions. This is quite a different case than we find with the Unity Model couple from dialogue 3. The dominance couple does not seem to show that much respect for one another.

Furthermore, the husband seems to try to dominate, and is successful as the wife always submits to his domination tactics. We find a different situation in the equity model. While the husband seems to try to dominate, the wife seems to be struggling for power as well. It is like a competition, although the wife seems to still give in the most and have more expectations in areas of household work. None the less, there is a struggle for power between the two in the equity model. This is explained in zones 4-6 from table 7c, depending on what the specific situation is. It is clear that there is often conflict between the partners.

Through reading dialogue 1, one gets a clear sense of the presence of the dominance model. The dominance model has many distinct features which were illustrated above.

The second dialogue is a clear example of the equity model of marriage. Some defining characteristics are that both partners are employed. Furthermore, the partners share some of the work, although it seems that the wife still does most of the housework and the husband is “helping out” when he contributes. Also, it is clear that the partners have discussed and agreed on some issues like their spending habits. They respect each others opinions, like when the husband asks the wife what she thinks a good gift would be.

Some less positive aspects of the equity model which are present in this dialogue are that the couple seems to bicker a lot. When they disagreed about dinner, they had a little argument about it. Rather than completely solving it and repairing hurt feelings though, they just said, fine, and moved on. They disagreed about the cooking situation, but did not work it out thoroughly. This is common of the equity model.

At the same time though, only shortly after this disagreement and lack of resolution, they seem to have moved on from it and are caring with each other.

This couple seems to strive for fairness. The husband argues that it is only fair that the wife makes dinner. At the same time, they seem to be competitive with each other about who’s day and whose job is more difficult. If we look at cell 4 of table 7b, we see that both partners seem to fit the description given there: “giving pleasure and receiving pleasure in equal amounts.” Both seem to be concerned with fairness and equal amounts. We also see elements from zone 7: “striving to justify oneself to the partner…” This is evident when they seem to be competitive about their jobs.

The partners also share some mutual respect and affection for each other. The husband offers to help the wife. They are polite to each other and show appreciation for the other. This is common in the equity model.

Also, the fact that the two listen to each other and discuss things shows that they both respect what the other thinks. The couple is conjoined at the cognitive level of the threefold self. They have strived to align how they think. They are often able to come to agreements and see things in the same way because they have ways of thinking about things. If they do not agree, they are able to discuss the issue and try to appeal to the other’s sense of reason.

In the dominance level, the ability to discuss things on an equal level with each other would not exist. The husband would not be willing to hear the wife’s appeals. In the Unity Model, there may be some discussion, but most likely, the man would try to find a way to think about the situation in a way that aligns his thoughts with his wife’s.

The third dialogue is an example of a couple who operate in the Unity Model of marriage. Some defining characteristics which are present include the husband’s willingness to do the dishes in a manner that are pleasing to his wife. The obvious affection that the couple shares for each other is another factor. Also, the fact that the couple has clearly discussed some major issues and worked them out. How the husband treats his wife, lovingly and with respect. How the husband offers emotional support and the husbands and wife’s thoughts and feelings seem to be aligned. Also, the simple fact that they were so anxious to spend time together, even if it was just running errands.

This couple seems to have a very happy and smooth relationship. They seem to be very fulfilled by one another. They have attained unity at the highest level, the affective level of the threefold self. They have learned to align their feelings with one another, and if for some reason something is not aligned at any level, the husband does what he needs to in order to remedy the situation.

At the other levels of marriage, the partners would not be so closely aligned and would not be conjoined at the affective self. They would not be so open and at ease with each other. Also, they would not be so content and happy with each other as a result of not having attained conjointment.

The couple from this dialogue obviously cares about each other deeply and have much respect for one anther. In a gesture as simple as turning down the radio when his wife begins to talk, the husband is showing her respect by giving her his full attention and therefore acknowledging that what she is about to say is important. The wife thanks her husband with an affectionate look and telling him that she loves him for something as simple as helping with the dishes. In a couple that was not this close, that kind of simple affection and appreciation would not be present.

Elements from zones 7-9 of chart 7b are present in this couples dialogue. They obviously care very much about the other person and what they can do to make them happy, (zone 7). Also, in the affection and attention that they show each other, it is evident that they believe they belong together and truly believe in their relationship, (zone 8). Finally, we see an example of one partner trying to align himself with the others preferences and doing so successfully, (zone 9).

This couple has clearly attained the highest level of unity. In doing so, they have found great happiness and love and everything they need in each other. They are conjoined completely in this life and will experience the pleasure of this conjointment for eternity as they will be together forever in their heaven.

(c) This was a very interesting activity. I enjoyed creating the dialogues between couples from each model of marriage. It was a chance to be creative as well as to show what I know about the different models of marriage.

My Report on the Previous Generation

The first Report 2 I looked at from the previous generation was by Jennifer Cox.

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/cox/409b-g22-report2.htm

I believe the previous generation’s report 2 was very similar to the one which my generation had to complete. Jennifer answered some of the same questions I did. She answered questions 3,6,8,12, and 7.

In Jennifer’s answers, she explained and discussed the threefold self. She explored all of the different models of marriage. She gave her own opinions and applied her knowledge she had gained from her class. Also, she used observations and comparison in some of the questions. All of this made for a very interesting, well done report.

I found her answer to question 8 especially interesting. She observed a couple she had known for six years. She had seen them dating for a long time, and married for one year. It was very interesting to hear what she had to say about this couple as an outsider, but still someone who knew their relationship very well. Also, being that it was such a young couple, it was neat to hear about how they interacted together. I think Jennifer made some very good observations and did an especially good job with this question.

Kalena Luney wrote the next Report 2 I looked at.

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/luney/

She answered questions 1,3,6,9,12 Like Jennifer, Kalena did a very good job of explaining the threefold self in depth. She used this to discuss emotions and the differences between men and women. She also talked about conjunction and unity and described the process of moving through the different zones from the dominance model through the unity model. In another question, she compared and contrasted the different models of marriage and gives a personal analysis of how they are similar and different. Finally, she did some observation of TV shows and identified some anit-unity values which are commonplace in our society.

I was especially interested in the first question Kalena answered. She did such a good job of explaining the different levels of the threefold self and how to apply them. I would recommend anyone who is still struggling with this concept to take a look at her question 1.

The third and final Report 2 which I reviewed was by Britton Komine:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/komine/409-g22-report2.htm

Britton answered questions 1,2,3,6,12. Like the others, he explored the 3 levels of the threefold self, focusing especially on the affective self. He talked about emotions and the differences between men and women in this area. He went on to discuss, in detail, all the three zones of the Unity Model of marriage. He also looked at the threefold self and how it contributed to different behaviors among the genders. He is the only one who tackled concepts from Swedenborg’s writings. He explained all of the three models of marriage and contrasted them as well as discussing anti-unity values and making observations from couples in the media.

I thought Britton did an especially good job answering question 2. He really gets into depth about all of the three zones of the Unity Model, what it means to be conjoined at the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective level in a unity marriage. The way he broke it down really helps one to understand the Unity Model at a deeper level.

Overall, it was helpful to look at what students from previous generations did on their Report 2 assignments, especially since they were so similar to my generation’s assignment. I think the availability of their reports was a great tool for me and anyone else doing something similar in the future.

Advice to Future Generations

The advice I have to offer to students of future generations who will be doing reports similar to the one I just completed is very simple. That is, do not fall behind in this class. There is so much to do! Being that Report 2 fell towards the end of the semester with finals and other projects all being assigned it is critical to get a start on it immediately! I started working on it the first week it was assigned and spent many hours a week answering the questions. It is in your very best interest to pace yourself. It is a lot of work.

This report is in some ways easier than the first one. This one does not involve all of the frustrations of the internet that the first one did. This one is also more fun to do because you get to use all of the knowledge you have gained and make observations and really think about and apply everything you have learned. It is quite rewarding once you have completed it and you look back and realize how much you accomplished.

Although this class is a lot of work and challenging, you will learn so much. More importantly, the material you learn is so applicable to your everyday life. The knowledge you gain is priceless and something you will use throughout your life in understanding yourself, others, and relationships in general. So, although the class is hard, it is very much worth the time and effort.

My Homepage: ftp://409bf2005:m2r7p@www.soc.hawaii.edu/ventrucci/ventrucci--409b--homepage.htm

Class Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy23/classhome-g23.htm