Psychology 409b October 10, 2006

Outline 4: Lazy Husband Chapter 5

By Christina Afonin

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

 

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin's Press). Reviewing pages 100-124.

 

Lazy Husband:

I.                    Chapter 5-Childhood Revisited

a.       The Entitled and the Unentitled

                                                              i.      Women more likely to give in

1.      They get walked on/ignored

                                                            ii.      Men are more self-interested

1.      Usually need work on being more sensitive/accommodating with partners

                                                          iii.      Lasting change in marriage

1.      occurs when people want to make their partner happy

2.      possibly unity model?

                                                          iv.      Childhood has a large impact on your future relationships

                                                            v.      Two examples of same childhood, two different approaches

1.      Always different depending on person

b.      A Critical Parent

                                                              i.      Growing up with critical parents can make you too critical of others or too intimidated by them.

                                                            ii.      Intimidated

1.      Interactions/Actions

a.       Passive communication with spouse

b.      Fear of judgment

c.       Fear of criticism

d.      Restricted freedom

2.      Belief: Women supposed to give more in life than receive.

a.       Cause:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Socialization

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Reinforced through childhood

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Parents who were depressed, self-centered, needy

b.      Other’s needs are more important than yours

c.       Problems:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Not knowing what one needs or when to state needs

                                                          iii.      How your childhood could be affecting your marriage/bargaining power:

1.      Questions:

a.       How did your mother treat your father? Was she:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Affectionate

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Involved

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Unaffectionate

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Uninvolved

                                                                                                                                    v.      Critical

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Blaming

                                                                                                                                vii.      Shaming

                                                                                                                              viii.      Rejecting

                                                                                                                                   ix.      Loving

b.      In what ways are you similar to her?

c.       What were her strengths and weaknesses?

d.      What might you have concluded about how men should be treated on the basis of observing your other with your father? For example:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Men should be pampered and waited on

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Men need to be yelled at to get them to do anything

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Men should be ignored

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Men are useless

                                                                                                                                    v.      If you want something done right, do it yourself

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Men will hurt you if you’re not careful

e.       How did your father treat your mother? Was he:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Affectionate

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Involved

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Unaffectionate

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Uninvolved

                                                                                                                                    v.      Critical

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Blaming

                                                                                                                                vii.      Shaming

                                                                                                                              viii.      Rejecting

                                                                                                                                   ix.      Loving

f.        In what ways are you similar to him?

g.       What were his strengths and weaknesses

h.      What might you have concluded about how women should be treated on the basis of this? For example:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Women should serve men

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Women are inferior

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Women are more powerful than men

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Women are more vulnerable

i.        How did your mother treat you? Was she:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Affectionate

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Involved

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Unaffectionate

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Uninvolved

                                                                                                                                    v.      Critical

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Blaming

                                                                                                                                vii.      Shaming

                                                                                                                              viii.      Rejecting

                                                                                                                                   ix.      Loving

j.        What might have you concluded about what you deserve in life on the basis of her treatment of you? For example:

                                                                                                                                      i.      I deserve respect

                                                                                                                                    ii.      I’m going to be rejected

                                                                                                                                  iii.      If people get to know me they wont like me

                                                                                                                                  iv.      I need to protect myself and not let anyone hurt me

k.      How did your father treat you? Was he:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Affectionate

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Involved

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Unaffectionate

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Uninvolved

                                                                                                                                    v.      Critical

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Blaming

                                                                                                                                vii.      Shaming

                                                                                                                              viii.      Rejecting

                                                                                                                                   ix.      Loving

l.        What might you have concluded about what you deserve in life on the basis of his treatment of you? For example:

                                                                                                                                      i.      I deserve respect

                                                                                                                                    ii.      I’m going to be rejected

                                                                                                                                  iii.      If people get to know me they wont like me

                                                                                                                                  iv.      I need to protect myself and not let anyone hurt me

m.    If you were raised without contact with one of your parents, what did you conclude about his or her lack of involvement with you? For example:

                                                                                                                                      i.      I’m not very important

                                                                                                                                    ii.      I don’t deserve love

                                                                                                                                  iii.      It’s not save to trust anyone

                                                                                                                                  iv.      I can do a lot without anyone’s help

                                                                                                                                    v.      I’m strong

n.      What areas do you need to work on in your communication with your husband? I should:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Be more patient

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Be more critical

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Not yell as much

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Be more direct

                                                                                                                                    v.      Not avoid conflict so much

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Appreciate him more

o.      What would you like him to work on? I want him to:

                                                                                                                                      i.      Be more patient with me

                                                                                                                                    ii.      Be less critical

                                                                                                                                  iii.      Not yell as much

                                                                                                                                  iv.      Be more direct

                                                                                                                                    v.      Not avoid conflict as much

                                                                                                                                  vi.      Appreciate me more

c.       Exercises

                                                              i.      Write out a list of all changes you’d like to see in your life.

1.      divided into categories:

a.       “Changes in myself”

b.      “Changes in my marriage”

c.       “Changes in my family”

d.      “Changes at work”

e.       “Changes in etc..”

2.      Commit to changing one or two for each category over the next 6 months.

 

Related Links:

 

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/couple/right/articles/0,,144_579356,00.html –This website explains some of the “top” relationship problems that can occur and what the best plan of action is. It offers the solutions in a matter of fact way that kind of explains it as an expectation for these problems to arise. The website is geared for women, so I’m assuming that the one who creates the problem is the man, and the woman did not do anything to instigate the action.

 

http://www.lhj.com/home/Relationship-Problems.html -This website was much the same as the previously mentioned one. It seems that they are focusing more on women than men and they are providing advice that exemplifies the dominance model more than any other model.

 

http://marriage.about.com/cs/stagesofmarriage/a/marriagemodel.htm - So I googled “Marriage models” and came up with this website that explained different levels of marriages. It seemed funny to me that they referred to what looks like the dominance model as the “traditional” model. And in the first part there are four separate models rather than the three that are explained in this course, another opinion breaks up the marriage models into even more than the three or four, and gives them extremely technical names. Nevertheless, I found it amusing.

 

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm