Psychology 409b
October 10, 2006
Outline 4: Lazy
Husband Chapter 5
By Christina Afonin
Instructions
for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor:
Dr. Leon James
Joshua
Coleman, Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (
Lazy Husband:
I.
Chapter
5-Childhood Revisited
a.
The Entitled
and the Unentitled
i.
Women more
likely to give in
1.
They get
walked on/ignored
ii.
Men are more
self-interested
1.
Usually need
work on being more sensitive/accommodating with partners
iii.
Lasting
change in marriage
1.
occurs when
people want to make their partner happy
2.
possibly
unity model?
iv.
Childhood has
a large impact on your future relationships
v.
Two examples
of same childhood, two different approaches
1.
Always
different depending on person
b.
A Critical
Parent
i.
Growing up
with critical parents can make you too critical of others or too intimidated by
them.
ii.
Intimidated
1.
Interactions/Actions
a.
Passive
communication with spouse
b.
Fear of
judgment
c.
Fear of
criticism
d.
Restricted
freedom
2.
Belief: Women
supposed to give more in life than receive.
a.
Cause:
i.
Socialization
ii.
Reinforced
through childhood
iii.
Parents who
were depressed, self-centered, needy
b.
Other’s needs
are more important than yours
c.
Problems:
i.
Not knowing
what one needs or when to state needs
iii.
How your
childhood could be affecting your marriage/bargaining power:
1.
Questions:
a.
How did your
mother treat your father? Was she:
i.
Affectionate
ii.
Involved
iii.
Unaffectionate
iv.
Uninvolved
v.
Critical
vi.
Blaming
vii.
Shaming
viii.
Rejecting
ix.
Loving
b.
In what ways
are you similar to her?
c.
What were her
strengths and weaknesses?
d.
What might
you have concluded about how men should be treated on the basis of observing
your other with your father? For example:
i.
Men should be
pampered and waited on
ii.
Men need to
be yelled at to get them to do anything
iii.
Men should be
ignored
iv.
Men are
useless
v.
If you want
something done right, do it yourself
vi.
Men will hurt
you if you’re not careful
e.
How did your
father treat your mother? Was he:
i.
Affectionate
ii.
Involved
iii.
Unaffectionate
iv.
Uninvolved
v.
Critical
vi.
Blaming
vii.
Shaming
viii.
Rejecting
ix.
Loving
f.
In what ways
are you similar to him?
g.
What were his
strengths and weaknesses
h.
What might
you have concluded about how women should be treated on the basis of this? For
example:
i.
Women should
serve men
ii.
Women are
inferior
iii.
Women are
more powerful than men
iv.
Women are
more vulnerable
i.
How did your
mother treat you? Was she:
i.
Affectionate
ii.
Involved
iii.
Unaffectionate
iv.
Uninvolved
v.
Critical
vi.
Blaming
vii.
Shaming
viii.
Rejecting
ix.
Loving
j.
What might
have you concluded about what you deserve in life on the basis of her treatment
of you? For example:
i.
I deserve
respect
ii.
I’m going to
be rejected
iii.
If people get
to know me they wont like me
iv.
I need to
protect myself and not let anyone hurt me
k.
How did your
father treat you? Was he:
i.
Affectionate
ii.
Involved
iii.
Unaffectionate
iv.
Uninvolved
v.
Critical
vi.
Blaming
vii.
Shaming
viii.
Rejecting
ix.
Loving
l.
What might
you have concluded about what you deserve in life on the basis of his treatment
of you? For example:
i.
I deserve
respect
ii.
I’m going to
be rejected
iii.
If people get
to know me they wont like me
iv.
I need to
protect myself and not let anyone hurt me
m.
If you were
raised without contact with one of your parents, what did you conclude about
his or her lack of involvement with you? For example:
i.
I’m not very
important
ii.
I don’t
deserve love
iii.
It’s not save
to trust anyone
iv.
I can do a
lot without anyone’s help
v.
I’m strong
n.
What areas do
you need to work on in your communication with your husband? I should:
i.
Be more
patient
ii.
Be more critical
iii.
Not yell as
much
iv.
Be more
direct
v.
Not avoid
conflict so much
vi.
Appreciate
him more
o.
What would
you like him to work on? I want him to:
i.
Be more
patient with me
ii.
Be less
critical
iii.
Not yell as
much
iv.
Be more
direct
v.
Not avoid
conflict as much
vi.
Appreciate me
more
c.
Exercises
i.
Write out a
list of all changes you’d like to see in your life.
1.
divided into
categories:
a.
“Changes in
myself”
b.
“Changes in
my marriage”
c.
“Changes in
my family”
d.
“Changes at
work”
e.
“Changes in
etc..”
2.
Commit to
changing one or two for each category over the next 6 months.
Related Links:
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/couple/right/articles/0,,144_579356,00.html
–This website explains some of the “top” relationship problems that can occur
and what the best plan of action is. It offers the solutions in a matter of
fact way that kind of explains it as an expectation for these problems to
arise. The website is geared for women, so I’m assuming that the one who
creates the problem is the man, and the woman did not do anything to instigate
the action.
http://www.lhj.com/home/Relationship-Problems.html
-This website was much the same as the previously mentioned one. It seems that
they are focusing more on women than men and they are providing advice that
exemplifies the dominance model more than any other model.
http://marriage.about.com/cs/stagesofmarriage/a/marriagemodel.htm
- So I googled “Marriage models” and came up with this website that explained
different levels of marriages. It seemed funny to me that they referred to what
looks like the dominance model as the “traditional” model. And in the first
part there are four separate models rather than the three that are explained in
this course, another opinion breaks up the marriage models into even more than
the three or four, and gives them extremely technical names. Nevertheless, I
found it amusing.
My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-home.htm
Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm