Psychology 409b October 31, 2006
Outline 7 Lazy Husband 191-206
For The Husband
By Christina Afonin
Instructions for this activity are found at:
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
Coleman, Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (
I. Daily Appreciations (For The Husband)
i. Appreciate everything that your wife does for you, the kids or the house
i. Making doctor’s appointments
ii. Arranging play dates
iii. Buying their clothes
iv. Talking with them about their feelings
v. Giving them baths or attending to their cleanliness
vi. Helping with homework
vii. Guiding their religious or spiritual development
viii. Taking them to whatever after-school activities they have
ix. Thinking about their psychological well-being
iv. Food shopping
vi. Making repairs
d. Taking Care of You
i. Arranging doctor’s appointments
ii. Buying clothes
iii. Talking with you about your life
iv. Improving your social life
e. Appreciating Is Important
i. It’s a way to say that you don’t take her for granted
ii. A way of telling her that you love her
iii. Simple appreciation her satisfaction increases
f. Appreciating Her For Herself
i. What Traits of your Wife are the Most Meaningful to Her?
1. her career
2. her capacity as a mother
3. her capacity as a wife
4. her ability to do be a good:
5. her intelligence
6. her sense of humor
7. her organizing ability
8. her athleticism
a. appreciate aspects that she likes about herself
ii. Think About your Wife’s Areas of Vulnerability. What are the Areas Where She is Most Likely to Feel Guilt, Anxiety, or Self-Criticism
3. desire to be a good wife
4. relationship to her mother or father
7. struggles with friends
8. her relationship with your parents or relatives
iii. Bearing these in mind, how often do you make reassuring comments about the areas where she has the most anxiety or self-criticism?
3. not at all
4. make it a point to compliment her in these areas several times a week
iv. But What if I Can’t Stand Something About Her?
1. What Should Victor Do?
a. Harriet critical of children, blows up at them for stupid things and she wants reassurance that she’s a great mother
b. Instead of emphasizing the wrongs, emphasize the rights, little though they may be
g. Yeah, But What if She’s Doing Something That Really Bugs Me?
i. Studies show that conversations almost always end the way they begin.
ii. Structure it this way:
1. begin with an appreciation
2. say how serious it is on a scale of on to ten
3. use nonblaming language
4. take responsibility for your end of the problem
5. ask for solutions
6. thank her for listening
h. Don’t Be So Defensive
i. When she gives you a list of things to do, listen intently, smile, and appreciate, say “sure!” instead of becoming hostile or defensive about all the work you’re doing
i. The Download
i. Unwinding from a day, tells you about her stresses, etc.
j. The Stone Wall
i. Containing strong feelings of shame, anger or rejection when criticized
ii. Men shut down or withdraw
k. Talk About Feelings
i. Women connect with men who share their feelings
ii. Men miss out on important source of support/love when they don’t share feelings
iii. Just talk more!
l. Be Affectionate
i. Grab her hand while the two of you are walking down the street
ii. Give her a daily hug
iii. Offer her a massage at least once a week
iv. Take her face in your hands and tell her how much you appreciate everything she does for you, the house, and the kids
v. Quit thinking about it and do it!
II. 9-The Lazy Husband Campaign
a. Conclusion: It’s on men to do more of the changing
http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com/relationship-advice-4.html -It wasn’t until taking this course, that my eyes have been opened to the many websites that offer advice to women, and how many of them are targeted towards the dominance model. It seems that I have been oblivious to the problems of marriage in society, and societies’ constant control of relationships.
http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/How_to_Make_a_Woman_Happy.aspx -Yes, that’s it. There’s a very simple forum to follow to make women happy. I find this website as laughable as the book, The Lazy Husband, both help or advice pieces are so off base that it makes me wonder how such garbage would be published let alone put online! I suppose that people allow such delusions to dominate their lives. Okay, so maybe the advice in the website isn’t bad. It does outline the basic needs. But I think the motivation for the website is what kills the advice. Knowing that “how to make a woman happy” is for the man’s selfish benefit rather than the simple pleasure of making their women happy, kills the attempt.
http://womentodaymagazine.com/advice/lost_passion.html -Are both men and women so confused about their relationships that they cannot deal with their problems with each other? Why is it that both feel that they cannot express themselves to each other and must look elsewhere for an answer? This fact alone is such a horrible imposition against the unity values of a relationship. This website, like all the other ones, offers the same advice and doesn’t consider finding happiness in making their partner happy, it seems that all questions presented in all of these websites are the same self-centered problems people experience.
Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm