Psychology 409b October 31, 2006

Outline 7 Lazy Husband 191-206

For The Husband

By Christina Afonin

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

 

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin's Press). Reviewing pages 191-206

 

I.                    Daily Appreciations (For The Husband)

                                                              i.      Appreciate everything that your wife does for you, the kids or the house

b.      Kids

                                                              i.      Making doctor’s appointments

                                                            ii.      Arranging play dates

                                                          iii.      Buying their clothes

                                                          iv.      Talking with them about their feelings

                                                            v.      Giving them baths or attending to their cleanliness

                                                          vi.      Helping with homework

                                                        vii.      Guiding their religious or spiritual development

                                                      viii.      Taking them to whatever after-school activities they have

                                                           ix.      Thinking about their psychological well-being

c.       House

                                                              i.      Laundry

                                                            ii.      Cooking

                                                          iii.      Cleaning

                                                          iv.      Food shopping

                                                            v.      Dishes

                                                          vi.      Making repairs

                                                        vii.      Organizing

                                                      viii.      gardening

d.      Taking Care of You

                                                              i.      Arranging doctor’s appointments

                                                            ii.      Buying clothes

                                                          iii.      Talking with you about your life

                                                          iv.      Improving your social life

e.       Appreciating Is Important

                                                              i.      It’s a way to say that you don’t take her for granted

                                                            ii.      A way of telling her that you love her

                                                          iii.      Simple appreciation her satisfaction increases

f.        Appreciating Her For Herself

                                                              i.      What Traits of your Wife are the Most Meaningful to Her?

1.      her career

2.      her capacity as a mother

3.      her capacity as a wife

4.      her ability to do be a good:

a.       friend

b.      daughter

5.      her intelligence

6.      her sense of humor

7.      her organizing ability

8.      her athleticism

a.       appreciate aspects that she likes about herself

                                                            ii.      Think About your Wife’s Areas of Vulnerability. What are the Areas Where She is Most Likely to Feel Guilt, Anxiety, or Self-Criticism

1.      weight

2.      parenting

3.      desire to be a good wife

4.      relationship to her mother or father

5.      job

6.      IQ

7.      struggles with friends

8.      her relationship with your parents or relatives

                                                          iii.      Bearing these in mind, how often do you make reassuring comments about the areas where she has the most anxiety or self-criticism?

1.      frequently

2.      occasionally

3.      not at all

4.      make it a point to compliment her in these areas several times a week

                                                          iv.      But What if I Can’t Stand Something About Her?

1.      What Should Victor Do?

a.       Harriet critical of children, blows up at them for stupid things and she wants reassurance that she’s a great mother

b.      Instead of emphasizing the wrongs, emphasize the rights, little though they may be

g.       Yeah, But What if She’s Doing Something That Really Bugs Me?

                                                              i.      Studies show that conversations almost always end the way they begin.

                                                            ii.      Structure it this way:

1.      begin with an appreciation

2.      say how serious it is on a scale of on to ten

3.      use nonblaming language

4.      take responsibility for your end of the problem

5.      ask for solutions

6.      thank her for listening

h.      Don’t Be So Defensive

                                                              i.      When she gives you a list of things to do, listen intently, smile, and appreciate, say “sure!” instead of becoming hostile or defensive about all the work you’re doing

i.        The Download

                                                              i.      Unwinding from a day, tells you about her stresses, etc.

j.        The Stone Wall

                                                              i.      Containing strong feelings of shame, anger or rejection when criticized

                                                            ii.      Men shut down or withdraw

k.      Talk About Feelings

                                                              i.      Women connect with men who share their feelings

                                                            ii.      Men miss out on important source of support/love when they don’t share feelings

                                                          iii.      Just talk more!

l.        Be Affectionate

                                                              i.      Grab her hand while the two of you are walking down the street

                                                            ii.      Give her a daily hug

                                                          iii.      Offer her a massage at least once a week

                                                          iv.      Take her face in your hands and tell her how much you appreciate everything she does for you, the house, and the kids

                                                            v.      Quit thinking about it and do it!

II.                 9-The Lazy Husband Campaign

a.       Conclusion: It’s on men to do more of the changing

 

Related Links:

http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com/relationship-advice-4.html -It wasn’t until taking this course, that my eyes have been opened to the many websites that offer advice to women, and how many of them are targeted towards the dominance model. It seems that I have been oblivious to the problems of marriage in society, and societies’ constant control of relationships.

 

http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/How_to_Make_a_Woman_Happy.aspx -Yes, that’s it. There’s a very simple forum to follow to make women happy. I find this website as laughable as the book, The Lazy Husband, both help or advice pieces are so off base that it makes me wonder how such garbage would be published let alone put online! I suppose that people allow such delusions to dominate their lives. Okay, so maybe the advice in the website isn’t bad. It does outline the basic needs. But I think the motivation for the website is what kills the advice. Knowing that “how to make a woman happy” is for the man’s selfish benefit rather than the simple pleasure of making their women happy, kills the attempt.

 

http://womentodaymagazine.com/advice/lost_passion.html -Are both men and women so confused about their relationships that they cannot deal with their problems with each other? Why is it that both feel that they cannot express themselves to each other and must look elsewhere for an answer? This fact alone is such a horrible imposition against the unity values of a relationship. This website, like all the other ones, offers the same advice and doesn’t consider finding happiness in making their partner happy, it seems that all questions presented in all of these websites are the same self-centered problems people experience.

 

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/afonin/afonin-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm