(a) The "Twisted" Secrets to a Happy Marriage

"Secrets to a Happy Marriage," by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, a Pastoral Marriage and Family therapist reveals what the 3 secrets are to keeping a happy marriage. The first secret involves not hidding any money matters, specifically the "secrecy" of hidden bank accounts from the other. Dr. Kuhne states that money is literally the root of all evil, so couples should not let it run their relationship. Both people in the relationship should be "empowered," so full disclosure is a must.

The second secret Dr. Kuhne reveals has to do with communicaiton. He emphasizes, like Deborah Tannen in her Gender and Discourse book, males and females speak differently. For this reason, it is important that males and females clarify the message they are trying to send to the other, especially the female. Otherwise, it could lead to arguments due to misunderstandings, etc. Good communication empowers both in "love and harmony."

The third secret of how to keep a happy marriage involves the use of praise over "slandering." Dr. Kuhne says that everyone likes to receive praise like when they were young from their parents. Therefore, since this innate need doesn't go away, it should still be continued within the relationship. He explains that sharing a "deficiency" with the public is a big no-no and is ten times more damaging emotionally, then one comment of appreciation (praise).

(b) The Truth Behind These Secrets

These secrets all seem good, and perfectly normal, if you are following the Equity Model of Marriage, but not for the Unity Model of Marriage. Dr. Kuhne's main theme involves equal empowerment to both spouses, where both need to contantly clarify themselves to the other, especially the female. And this need to clarify yourself is the predominant characteristic of what makes up the Equity Model of Marriage. In this model, the couple are constantly seen "bartering," because the male has yet to give up his independent self, and wishes to ensure that his views are expressed and understood. Also, another common thing that seems to occur in Dr. Kuhne's writting is that he picks on the female, or he leaves her last to blame. Dr. Kuhne writes to both males and females in the realationship, however, like Dr. Phil, he turns it around to blame the female why she is not doing this, or that.

For example, Secret 1 says, "the most important reason of this secret is that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship." This would be more in accordance to the Equity Model where things are bartered for and "equally" divided amongst the two spouses. This does not follow the Unity Model of Marriage because in the Unity Model, the husband tives up his independent self to become dependent o the wife, giving her power. The first secret should be something like, "the most important reason of this secret is that the wife knows that is going on, and there will not be any secrets or lies hidden between the husband and wife."

In Secret 2, the emphasis that male and females speak differently is a good secret. However, he says that how a couple develops competant communicaiton is through a lot of clarification. The couple needs to constantly ask each other what they mean and to clarif anything missed. Which seems more like the equity model when the two spouses is trying to get their veiws across to the other. Dr. Kuhne points a specific finger to the female in the end saying that, "many times you speak in a foreign language, and when you are desiring romance, he can totally miss it." Which is true. However, if they are a true conjoint couple living out of the Unity Model of Marriage, then it should be the husband making an effort to understand his wife's "foreign language" because shehas already taken the time to learn his.

Later in this section Dr. Kuhne says in closing, "2005 is different. Husband and wives operate in equality in 21st century. Gone are the days of male domination and 'women are kept silent'." Which is true today, most couples operate in equality because they are living in the Equity Model where they share things down to the "T," fifty-fifty. However, that is not the Unity Model of Marriage because in Equity, the male still loves to retain his independence where he has the need to "clarify, clarify, clarify," like in secret 2.

The last secret, secret 3, emphasizes that negative words or how they are used are ten times as harmful compared to one verbal appraisal. This is ture and is emphasized in Section 17 of the Unity Model of Marriage Lecture Notes. However, in the end Dr. Kuhne says that "...the small things that irritate, even the mistakes that are made, seem more manageable," which is why a couple should praise and give words of appreciation. Althogh that is the right thought, it is not the correct thought for the Unity Model of Marriage. When a couple is in the Unity Model, they have already rid of the "small things" that are not compatible with the other that would hinder their conjoint self, or yin/yang from occurring. Nothing should be "tolderated" in the Unity Model because if a "setback" should occur, it should immediately be dealt with, specifically by the male. For example, if the wife says that drinking out of the mouthwash is irritating, the husband should take it upon himself to stop or rid of that behavior that can be detrimental to their conjoint self. Tolerating "pet peves" are characteristic of the Equity and Dominance Model, not the Unity Model.

(c) It's Either Equal, Or It's Not

Most of the self-help advice about relationships given by psychologists are do not give advice from the Unity Model, although it could sound like it. Those that sound like it could be Unity Model advice is actually, Equity Model advice. Then the rest of the advice found online is spoken through the Dominance Model where it lays the blame of all problems on the female. If the wife wants to fix her marriage, she needs to look into herself to figure out what she is doing wrong, or how she can be stronger so that her 'character' does not seem weak compared to her husband.

Such examples of these two themes found in online advice websites can be found in Marriage Builders that has articles of advice from Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., and from the "Advice for Marriage" section of the Women Today Magazine. Dr. Harley's website seems to have a strong Unity Model approach. However, suttle words of advice that he gives his clients are totally Equity. When he explains the reasons for his policies that help to hold a basis for these couples, it's all based on the Equity Model. The other website, Women Today Magazine, filters their questions through various psychologist that supposidly have high creditionals from where they were from. However, a majority of these psychologists give their advice through the Dominance Model where they tell the female that she is the source of the problem, so she needs to be fixed.

Marriage Builders - Successful Marriage Advice

Intially, reading articles such as "Why Women Leave Men," Dr. Harley sounds like he tries to lead couples towards a Unity Model of Marriage. In this particular article, he gives women a voice as to why they are twice as likely to divorce their husbands. He explains that most of it is emotional and mental neglect, and that in itself is a big deal. Dr. Harley teaches his male counselees that they need to learn to "integrate" their wives into their life where he eventually does things that keep her happy and rids of those behaviors that hinder their unity. Dr. Harley says,

"When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that is compatible to her needs and values. He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learns how to give his undivided attnetion to her and schedule time to be alone with her."

This is good advice to begin at the sensormotor level because it would be reflected in his actions, and then eventually it will become engraned into his affective feelings where it becomes his self-motives like how it states in the last sentence. It encourages a male, or husband that he should learn what his wife loves because it is important to her, so it should be important to him. He also explains that women are not that complicated and do not really ask for that much, but it is the male's imagination that over exaggerates this.

However, even though most of his ideas seem like it could follow the Unity Model of Marriage, some of his "policies" for couples so that they do not resort to how they were before, are Equity Model based. For example, "The Policy of Joint Agreement," basically tells a couple that when they do or decide on anything, there needs to be an "enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." This means that when you discuss things together, there should not be disrespect, verbal abuse, or other things such as anger directed at the other. The main purpose of this policy is so that couples can "negotiate fairly." And negotiation is a key aspect of the Equity Model.

At first this told me that Dr. Harley was not after all counseling out of the Unity Model because of this huge Equity 'flag.' I initially remembered that couples can not start out of the Unity Model, but need to work their way up. So I thought that this was a good step to instill in couples who are having problems so that it forces a husband to listen to his wife with enthusiasm, and does not just dismiss her views. However, after reading the rest of this particular document, Dr. Harley says that the Policy of Joing Agreement is highly suggested for couples to use because "it means that both husband and wife must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity..." Those last few words, "...no one risks losing their identity..." is not at all part of the Unity Model of Marriage but is a part of the Equity and Dominance models.

I think that there are comparable suggestions of the Unity Model that Dr. Harley gives his counselees but underneath it all, I think he is just enforcing the Equity Model of Marriage. He not only says that the Policy of Joint Agreement helps to sustain independence, but he says that both should not have to endure "slavery." Which is good advice, but he gives the assumption that a wife may take advantage of her husband, even though his whole article is about her. It is almost as if he is giving males justification (Equity Affective-like) to keep his "independent self." Dr. Harley also says that neither should do anything without consulting the other spouse. In the Unity Model of Marriage, a husband becomes dependent to his wife and therefore lays his trust in her and any of her decisions. She should not have to consult him about everything.

Women Today Magazine

This website is designed specifically for women to have a resource for advice in many areas of their life, such as beauty, love, money, self-esteem, etc. There is a section reserved for "Advice for Marriage" where people, women and a few men, post their concerns or questions about themselves, their spouse, or where their relationship is headed for. Each question is answered so that the recipient almost has an idea of who is at fault. Most of these answers lay the blame on the wife. Perhaps she needs to re-evaluate her 'objectives,' or she needs to learn to be stronger so that she will like herself. Some advice is very similar to Dr. Laura's callers and advice given. For example:

Question: "My husband and I have been married for four years. Our marriage has lost that spark. I recently finished college and I am now working 6 days a week. I use to do all the house chores plus the chores outside. Now I feel overloaded. I've tried to get my husband to help but we usually end up not talking to each other. We have grown apart from each other. We both realize we lost something but we don't know what to do."

Answer: "Some people get along fine until they have to actually figure out how to resolve a conflict. If you are both working, then I imagine that you could pay for someone else to do the chores he won't do and you are tired of doing. I realized that it might mean that you couldn't go on as nice a vacation or give as nice gifts to each other, but you would still have a relationship. Just because you have chosen to work 6 days a week doesn't necessarily mean that now he should be doing household chores that he didn't do before. I have a lady come to my house four hours every other week. She is great. I get to have a life, she makes a little income and my husband doesn't get nagged at. Let me know what you think about that idea, Dr. Ginger."

All of this advice is bias in letting the husband get away with things. For example, another female wrote that she is jealous of her husbands ex-wife who is about 30 years younger than both of they, and gorgeous in every way. Part of this insecurity she believes has to do with her history of abuse and she doesn't know how to have that confidence even though she they are both happy together. The advice tells her that she needs to feel good about herself, and until she does this low self-worth that she feels of herself will not go away. However, it doesn't question if the husband has anything to do with the female's insecurity. The person giving the advice automatically assumes that the problem lies within the female, and could not possibly be influenced by her husband. Which it could. The husband could occasionally throw in comparative hints of how much prettier, or upbeat his ex-wife is compared to her.

Another reason why this advice column seems to be bias is that, two people of the opposite sex asks the same question: I have a controlling spouse, what should I do? The advice given to the male is a short paragraph with a suggestion of a book for the two of them to read. It also says that "usually controllers marry someone who unconsciously wants someone else to make the decisions or has dependency issues." However, for the female she is given a long page of advice that basically says that she needs to look at herself and should start "respecting (herself) and taking (herself) seriously as a person."

(a) The Road to Becoming a Slave

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger is predominantly a dominance based approach. It is very traditional advice where most social issues are resolved by the female giving up her job, etc. so that she can make more time to take care of her husband and then the family. This has to do with the traditional belief that the wife should stay at home while the husband goes out to work. Dr. Laura and her book is very sympathetic with the male in the relationship because they are the simpliest creature on the planet compared to females.

According to Dr. Laura and her male readers, all a male needs is sex, food, and love. It is emphasized that it is up to the female to take care of the needs of her husband in order to instill harmony in the household. Dr. Laura says that this should be an undaunting task because females need to take the extra effort to "fix" things in themselves since they are the more complecated creature and taking care of the husband should not have to take very much effort. The male should not have to work or try so hard to accomodate the wife because he already does so much for her and his family by going to work everyday to bring hom the money so that they have a roof over their head and food at the table. Or also, so that the wife can stay at home.

I think that Dr. Laura's approach is very bias because it does take "two to tango," and any issues in the relationship should not be solely placed on the wife because "it's just her" (the reason commonly used in the book). Dr. Laura should include the husband to step back to look at his actions instead of allowing him to always get away with "murder." By allowing the husband to get away with things, such as not helping out with the children, or having his "down-time," it gives males the idea that it is okay to stay in the Dominance Model because she makes it seem like the norm. She helps males to keep their independent self, and puts females down, which inforces males to think that they can dismiss their wife's views because she is inferior. This thought is reflexive of his affective self in which that he loves to dominate her, and so he speaks to her in condensending tones, or does as he pleases.

However, there are a few things that Dr. Laura points out that should be instilled in a relationship, such as words of praise. But it should not just come from the wife to the husband, it should be reciprocal. The husband should be giving words of appreciation as well. It seems that her method is based on the "if I give, you give," so "if I give a lot, you give a lot (if you feel like it)." This is very Equity like, but it's only one way, coming from the wife, so it is Dominance based. This makes the wife like a slave, to give and give in hopes of a receiving a real meal, or to be set free, but the slave does not receive that and constantly receives abuse. That is not a relationship, where one person is constantly giving. I've been there, and it gets taxing. A relationship should be reciprocal like in the Unity Model.

(b) The Zombie Lackeys

Going back to how Dr. Laura allows her listeners, specifically male listeners, to stay in the dominance model and even the equity model, it is very reflexive in their "ventings" about why they can't understand how their wife is being stubborn or selfish and can't understand him. And so they come to Dr. Laura to give them advice of how to "spay" this behavior." For example, Chapter 3 (You're a Nag!), page 37, Bruce writes:

"So my suggestion for your book on the care and feeding of husbands? The number one thing that I want from my woman is to stop complaining. It's easy to moan about how hard your life is. When I do catch my wife in a 'willing mood,' I first have to endure twenty minutes of her complaining about this, that, and the other thing before I get to touch her. I figure if I help around the house to take some of the burden off of her, I would win her affection. Wrong. It is never enough and I am always wrong. A little kindess would go a long way toward making the marriage better."

His words are very dominance based, and does not show any signs that he truly loves his wife, but instead wants her as his sex object. Bruce's major complaint is that he can't have sex with his wife in his ideal state because of her vent sessions. It seems that he is more in love with the sex, rather than in love with just her since he needs to "endure twenty minutes of her complaining...before (he) gets to touch her." Listening to her talk should be something the husband wants to do, and not something that he believes is a tedious job, which shows that he is thinking out of the Dominance Cognitive Self.

Bruce also is enraged that he trys to help out to make things easier so that he will "win her affection," but says that she is an ingrate. It seems that he does not truly understand his wife, because those 'helping-hand acts' should be done because he loves to put his wife's needs over himself. It also shows that he does not truly understand his wife's real needs because what he is doing may not be the help she really wants from him. So he needs to take the time to figure that out instead of complaining that he is helping but it is not doing anything for him.

His complaining shows that he probably likes to hang out with his male friends more than her since listening to his wife is a taxing job. It also shows that he probably dismisses her views since he has to "endure" her complaining and he doesn't try to understand why what she has to say is important, which is breaking all four rules of how a male can have a sexy conjugial conversational style to 'turn his wife on.' This shows that he is most likely engaging in Dominance sensorimotor actions, which means that he must love to dominante her (affective feeling). Bruce is irritated that he is helping and listening to her complaints but he is not getting anything in return. This has the "it's all about me" attitude which is a key characteristic of the Dominance Model.

Another example comes from Lloyd, Chapter 4 (Men Have Feelings? Really? You're Kidding!), page 78:

"Men, whether husbands or bachelors, do not share their thoughts and feelings as readily as women. We do not see any need to bother others with our feelings. We just deal with them. If something needs to be done, we do it. If something needs to be said, we say it.

Many times we just don't want to deal with the consequences of saying what we feel out loud. We don't want to explain ourselves. So we just live with our thoughts and adjust. Wives must find ways to encourage their husbands to share feelings by allowing them to do so without consequences. Husbands should be encouraged to share their feelings without being accused of being insensitive and stupid. Let us talk. Be supportive. Permit us to have opinions, feelings, and thougths that do not agree with yours."

Lloyd almost sounds endearing except all he is saying is women should allow men to get away with things so that he can instill his dominance over the female. He says that "wives must find ways to encourage their husbands to share their feelings by allowing them to do so without consequences," and that is wrong. Saying that means that he is not allowing his wife to freely speak which is breaking rule 3 of having a sexy conjugial conversation with his wife because saying to allow him to speak without consequences, suppresses the female's voice in the relationship. If he wan't to suppress what his wife says, then that means he does not believe that what she has to say is very important, and that would be living out of the Dominance Cognitive thought.

Which probably means that he loves to dominate his wife (affective feelings), and when she speaks up for herself he loses that domination and hates it. Also Lloyd says that "men...do not share their thoughts and feelings as readily as women," which says two things: (1) He likes the idea of keeping himself separate from his wife, so that he can retain his independence which has a lot to do with the dominance model, and (2) He is making excuses and justifying his actions which is some what of an Equity Cognitive justification. Overall, Lloyd, like Bruce is living out of the Dominance Model, and there seems to be times that the wife wants to move them to another level, like Equity, but they don't like it because they feel they are losing control over their wife.

On page 108, Chapter 5 (Huh? Honey, What Did You Say? What Did That Mean?), Glen writes:

"Every authority in interpresonal relations says if you have a problem with your spouse, confront them with it. Talk to them and let them know how you feel. Whenever I try this, my wife responds with a very clear explanation of why I should not feel this way. She will share with me every reason why I am wrong to think that the problem has anything to do with her!

After thirty-five years of marriage, she cannot understand why I close myself up in my study to avoid any substantive discussion with her, why I don't share my feelings with her. I am not an idiot. I am a retired educator, with a thirty-year career behind me, who has, over time, been shrunken to a level of insignificance that is crippling.

I have loved my wife, raised three kids to adulthood with her, and have been completely faithful to her. Our lives would be so much better if she could listen and actually hear me rather than contemplate her 'defense' as I speak."

Immediately you have a sense that Glen is coming from the Equity Model. Throughout his whole passage, he is constantly justifying himself, his contributions and his social status (retired educator) without saying that he has tried to understand his wife. This need to justifiy the self is a strong sensorimotor attribute of the Equity Model. He also says that he now closes himself in his study to avoid any confrontation with her. This is a tool that he uses to hurt her, and it just shows that he loves to maintain certain parts of his independence, which is a main attribute of Equity Affective Feelings.

Also, it seems that Glen has not tried to understand why his wife has constantly given a "defense" of why she is not at fault, which seems that he just dismisses her views and probably oppresses what she has to say. This too is a component of the Equity Model, it is a part of his cognitive thought that he thinks that her views are not as important and can be dismissed. He also has a hint of Dr. Laura's dominance attributes because he uses the justification that he has been faithful to her for all the years they've been married. According to Dr. Laura, a faithful husband who works is the best husband a wife can have. If he is faithful, he is perfect and should be catered to.

Another fan, Steve, on page 148, Chapter 7 (A Man Should Be Respected In His Own Home) writes:

"In today's world it is assumed that men are pigs and women suffer. With all my efforts (car and lawn maintenance, tending to children, working full time) I am not appreciated. It's never enough. It is common for the woman to expect the man to do uncomfortable things to help the relationshp. I do not particularly like buying flowers or presents, shopping, having chitchat, dressing nice...but I do it because it is important to my wife.

However, for some reason, if there is anything at all I would like, but my wife feels 'uncomfortable,' it is out of the question! She feels that as a woman she should not have to do anything uncomfortable. Double standard!

The other double standard is that it is okay for women to criticize, put down, become grouchy, but if I'm feeling similarly, it is called verbal abuse. When I asked why that is so, I am told it's because I'm a man and they abuse, women don't!

I've got news for everyone: Men are hurt just as much by abuse, or hurtful words, as women. Any form of coercion to get a man to do what you want is not only unproductive, it is damaging. Just because I am married does not make me a slave. Men are human beings."

Steve's wife seems to want to be in the Unity Model because of all the things that he is told, but he refuses to go with her. He still seems to want to maintain part of his independence, and does not want to become dependent on her. He justifies his actions like a man out of the Equity Model would do (sensorimotor) such as working, helping with the children, etc. There seems to be a conflict with him entering the Unity stage of their relationship and just can't seem to want to understand his wife's views. He says that he buys things for her, shops with her, even chats and dresses to her liking because it is important to her, but he does not like it and basically wishes for it to stop. The doing things for her because it's important for his wife is Unity based, but since he seems to want it to stop, he wants to retain his independence which is Equity and Dominance based. Through his justifications, he seems to view that his 'complaint' is fair and rational because he does all those things. This is the Cognitive Thought of the Equity model.

This last person does not have a complaint but gloats about how wonderful his marriage is because his wife allows him to still maintain his independence because he lets her do so too. In Chapter 8 (Guy Time), page 178, Keith reflects as so:

"My wife has interests independent from me. In other words, she has friends and work and isn't totally dependent upon me for her happiness. While we are a team and work together on issues and do most things together, we also can enjoy some time on our own.

The flip side is that my wife allows me some independence to play golf once in a while, to watch sports, etc.--in other words, lets me have some life on my own. She has let me bargain with her so that I can watch football on Sundays if I do the laundry. Talk about a win-win!

I am not advocating total independence for each partner. But I believe one of the major reasons for our success is that in moderation we are able to pursue our own interests, and in comparison with other wives that I have observed, mine doesn't need me to provide for her entertainment twenty-four hours a day. Having other interests makes both of us more interesting to each other."

Keith seems to be in the Equity Model, and is totally satisfied with it because he is allowed to maintain his independence. He says that how happy he is because his wife understands for his need of "space" and allows to him to do almost as he pleases. At the same time, she is not so "clingy." These are aspects of an Equity Sensorimotor actions since he says that he is not "advocating total independence" but he believe that its an intricate reason for their success as a couple.

He likes how he does not have to "provide" for her twenty-four hours a day because she has other oulets to refer to. However, this is totally not related to the Unity Model, because the wife should be able to depend on the husband for support when she needs it because they are so intuned to the other that seeking help else where is not sufficient enough. Keith on the other hand has this concept that this view is okay because everyone wins. Like his example, "she has let me bargain with her so that I can watch football on Sundays if I do the laundry." For him it's a win-win, and he believes it is for her because the laundry gets done, but that is not necessarily so.

When a female has to bargain with the male, she usually is giving up something to get another smaller thing in exchange. For instance, maybe having her husband do the laundry will allow some sort of "together" time because he's always so busy with other things. So when he gets to watch football when he does the laundry it helps to get the laundry done, but he probably doesn't pay too much attention to her if she tried to hold a conversation while working together because his focus is on getting the laundry done to watch football.

Since Keith thinks this way, then he must love that he can maintain his independence even when his wife may try to get him to become dependent on her. His main reason for loving his relationship with his wife is that even though they are a team, "...we also can enjoy some time on our own."

(c) Prospective Clients

Based on Dr. Laura's philosophies of relationships, it is easy to say that she helps the media to enforce Anti-Unity Values (AUVs) that hinder a relationship that is trying to reach the Unity Model of Marriage. AUVs, such as the examples found in Table 9 Section 20 of the Unity Model of Marriage Lecture Notes, hinder's a males process of obtaining a sexy conjugial conversational style that is significant in his first step of letting his wife know that he is ready to form a conjoint self with her. Such as the difference between a male allowing his wife to express her feelings versus cutting her off in the middle of her speech are all cues that gives her a direct link to his threefold self, telling her where he is at in their marriage (Dominance, Equity, or Unity). Such examples could be:

"With my new promotion at the company, I've been working longer hours and coming home later. But every time I come home, my husband wants to have sex and I've told him that I'm too tired, maybe later. And I thought he understood that. So now we have sex maybe once a week or every other week. But just the other day when I came home he wanted sex, and I told him I was tired. Then he said that I should submit anyway and just lay there if I want to. I was shocked. I asked him where he heard such an idea, and he said that he heard it on your show, Dr.Laura. I told him that was disgusting and that it would make me a sex object. He said that you informed your listeners that women should lay there if they have to because men are made to do things that they don't want to do, and they do it. How can you say such things?"

This female's husband seems to have supressed several of the typical AUVs that are misinterpreted as being the 'norm.' Once an 'authoritative' figure (Dr. Laura) says that things should be otherwise, this female's husband seems to have let himself get sucked into societies 'bad habbit.' Her husband has already been exposed to the idea that it is okay for males to have their "perks" because they should be honored by their woman. It is a female's job to give him what he wants no matter what because he deserves it. It seems that her husband is trying to establish and maintain his Dominance over her by telling her that 'maybe she should just lay there if need be.' This female's husband also seems to not take into account of what his wife has to say as important. He dismisses her thought that 'just laying there' makes her a sex object because a 'doctor' over the radio says otherwise.

Another prospective listener writes to Dr. Laura about his wife:

"Everytime I want to chill either at home on the sofa after work, or with my boys, my wife gets all bitchy about me not doing nothing to help or not spending nuff time with her. I tell her that I'm tired, and I need my "down-time," and she can have me after. But it's like she just no like listen and so she nags to me about cleaning the living room, helping with dinner. I'm tired. I work hard for her and the kids. How can I get that through her thick skull?"

This listener has a lot of red flags on his letter to Dr. Laura. He is extremely consumed by AUVs from society and probably Dr. Laura that he finds his wife's behaviors that are trying to break him out of those bad habbits as 'strange.' First, he wants to separate himself from his wife with his "down-time." This is one of the major AUVs that say it's okay for people, especially a male, to retain his independence from his wife, because being 'dependent' upon a female is a sign of weakness. Also, all he wants to do is to spend time with his "boys" and he doesn't take her feelings into consideration by putting her first at all. He seems to believe that since they are married, she can wait. He thinks that since he works, he's so important that he should be able to do as he pleases, including calling her names (ex. "thick skull").

This last listener says that she's tired of her husband's excuses of not wanting to help her out:

"I don't understand why everytime I ask him to help clean the living room, or to wash the children up for dinner, he refuses. Corey and Lori are his children too, and I would think that if you love your kids you would want to help to take care of them. Also, he tells me that I should stop my whining because his friend's wives don't do that. I've never seen this side of him. What happened to the husband I married?"

Her Husband seems to have been consumed by the ideas that it is okay for men to do as they please for whatever reason. Perhaps like the first listener's husband, this female's husband does not help out because he feels entitled to "down-time" since he works all day long for her and the children. Also, he has the misconception that because a friend's wife does or does not do something, then his wife should act like that too. It is as if her husband goes by, 'monkey-see, monkey-do.' It could also be based on what he watches on TV as well, since a lot of today's shows such as "Family Guy" or "Yes, Dear" the wives are spoken down to and are not taken seriously.

Tiffany Akiyama © Fall 2006