The Difference Between "Yes" and "No"
By Tiffany Akiyama
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
- Unity means "No" to "rifts"
- "Rifts" are differences or disagreements that cause distrubances in relationships
- Distrubances are threats to "Unity"
- There's high motivation to realign affective feelings to rid any "rifts" in their "Unity"
- The husband always realigns feelings to agree with his wife
- "Yes" means toleration of "rifts"
- Toleration represents the Equity and Dominance models
- Goal is "peace and comfort," not Unity
- Equity Model: bartering to "get by"
- Dominance Model: Tradition gives the husband the "say"
- Models are not set in stone
- Disintegration may occur when the male reverts "backward"
- Examples:
- A husband in the Unity Model becomes quarrelsome when a "touchy" issue arises due to him not having resolved that personal issue
- A husband in the Equity Model gets frutrated with "bartering" and yells at his wife saying, "It WILL BE DONE this way BECAUSE I SAY SO!"
- Examples:
- A husband can always go back into their desired model as long as he realizes his mistakes and tries to make up for them
- Disintegration may occur when the male reverts "backward"
http://www.arabia.msn.com/Family_Home/relationships/25/
This seems to be an MSN Arabian "self-help" version of the MSN site some people use as a resource. This short insert by Mohamed Kheidr, Publisher/Managing Directory, says that differences or disagreements don't have to end in bloodshed. Kheidr implies that differences or disagreements can be "engaging" to help express ourselves to the other where a winner does not have to exists. So in a way, it sounds like he is trying to speak out of the Unity model since he says that differences dont have to be a tool to prove whose right, but can be engaging as if it's a way to learn of the other. However, I found it very interesting that the rest of this article is more towards the Dominance model of mainly how the Wife should make her "man" feel good and happy. He basically has the Dr. Laura, attitude that men are simple, it doesn't take much to "keep us men happy." But I'm actually not surprised with this main Dominance tone because his culture is mainly a Dominance type of culture.
http://www.theparentconnection.org.uk/zone1-differences-and-disagreements.asp
This seems to be a self-help site for upcoming, or newly parents, or even wedded couples. It explains that differences and disagreements are okay because the differences is part of the reason a person is attracted to another. It also says its okay to disagree because it's a way to learn about the other. When you read further, this article talks about when disagreements go "bad," meaning an argument continues to occur or is continuously "hostile." The solution to this issue would be to "agree to disagree" or agree to set it aside for another day, which is a major symptom of the Equity model. However, the one thing I found interesting is that in the beginning of this article, it says that it is important to understand the basis behind why your significant other feels the way they do about that particular issue. That way you can help to understand and give support, Which seems like a Unity characteristic.
http://www.therapyinla.com/article.html
This seems like a self-help site, but it is not. It is more of free-for-all of sharing information with the public. I believe it was created more as an outlet of creating awareness with specific topics. This specific article talks about why some couples last 20 years, and others are immediately headed for divorce. The main theme has to do with conversation, and the degree of how "tolerant" a couple is of each other, or how they try to resolve this "difference." In a way, it reminds me a lot of Unity 17, where it talks about a male needing to have a sexy conjugial conversational style to help let his wife know that he is ready to "move up" with her. Joyce Parker, Ph.D., writes that the main issue that involves in verbal conflicts involves "The Four Horseman," which is equivalent to how to break the "Conversational Rules for Husbands in Conjugial Interactions." These Horsemen involve: criticism, contempt (intention to insult or psychologically abuse), defensiveness, and stonewalling. On the other hand, Dr. Parker says that the "key is how to argue more effectively" which sounded like an "avoidant" approach (Equity-like or even Dominance-like), but her four "strategies" seem to match the conversational rules for husbands in Unity 17a Part 3. Her strategies are to: stay calm, speak nondefensively, validation, and overlearning.
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Updated: 11/24/06