1.  Becoming a Parent
   1. Usually when a child is born, roles and expectations change
   1. From wife to mother vs. from father to husband
   2. A child brings positive and negative opportunities
      1. growth, depth, meaning (positive)
      2. potential stress, conflict, misunderstanding (negative)
   3. Becoming a parent can reflect your past (positive and or negative)
2. Becoming a Team
   1. Successful couples elicit the following according to Psychologists Carolyn and Philp Cowan (page 51):
   1. Have a clear sense of who they were
   2. Able to stand back on marital conficts to see understand the other's perspecitve
   3. Neither avoid nor prolong conflicts
   2. Men who feel "secure" about themselves can make the "me-centered" identity to a "we-centered" identity transition
   3. Becoming a mother produces a need for "interdependency"
   1. Men fight against interdependency
      1. Has to do with his relationship with his parents
         1. The type of upbringing he encountered
         2. If there are any unresolved conflicts
3. Moving to "We"
   1. Involves BOTH spouses getting involved to help the other
   2. Many men feel neglected and replaced by the child
   1. A husband's feeling of neglect is due to the female's inability to cope with stress and anxiety
4. Women's Identity
1. Father and mother's stress level varies
1. Father's last for about a month
2. Mother's last for the first year
2. Difficulty can arrise with "special-needs" children (ex., disabled, colicky, etc.)
3. "Resilient" mothers has multiple "identities;" not just a "mom" identity
5. The Crisis of Children
   1. Children create stress which can lead to an increase in fighting
   2. Presence of children increases "workload"
   1. Mother usually picks up this "workload"
   2. A lot of this happens during the early years, such a breastfeeding
   3. "Affirmative Action for Fathers" can counter balance mother's workload
   1. Ex., The amount of time the mother spends breast-feeding is the amount of time the father should spend "bonding"
6. What Do Others Think of Me?
   1. New mother's are vulnerable to criticism
   1. Vulnerability can lead to depression
   2. Working mothers are most criticized if their mother were "stay-at-home" moms
7. Compared to Mom
   1. We compare ourselves to our parents, which make some women vulnerable to anxiety and stress
   2. How to overcome vulnerability
   1. Learn to care less of others' opinions
   2. Get the husband to step in; prioritize over "in-laws"
   3. Wife confronts the "situation" (in-laws)
8. The Identity Shift for Males
   1. Men don't experience "profound" role change
   2. Men mostly realize finanical stresses
   3. Some may try to be "better fathers" but (say) they are too overwhelmed with financial matters
9. A Lower Sex Drive
1. During the 1st year, there's a 30-40% decrease in sex drive
2. Husband feels angry and rejected
   1. Men pull back because they're not sexually satisfied (withdrawn)
   2. Time period when wife needs husband the most
3. Wife too centered on children and not enough husband
4. Father may be too preoccupied to be as involved at the same time as the mother
10. Assume That He Wants to Make You Happy
1. The husband wants to do the right thing but does not know how
2. Wife can not be the pursuer-distancer because it can lead to divorce
3. You need to accomodate his behavior to get him to change for you
11. Commit to Change
    1. Watch how you say things to him (more "I" and "We" sentences rather than "you")
    2. Use LOTS of positive reinforcement
    3. You have to adapt (to him) because he won't change

Tiffany Akiyama © Fall 2006