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PSY409b November 24, 2006
The Wife Yields the Power in the Bedroom
By Tiffany Akiyama
 
Instructions for this activity are found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
 
Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2004). The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. (New York, N.Y.: HarperCollins Publishers Inc.). Reviewing pages 119 to 142.
 
  1.  The "Frump Syndrome"
    1. A syndrome most wives acquire after the "I Do's"
    2. Symptoms
      1. Wearing flannel pajamas and socks
      2. Wearing sweatpants with oversized T-shirts
      3. No longer wearing "girly things with lace" (to bed)
      4. Not shaving legs or grooming nails
      5. Not washing, styling, or combing hair
      6. Taking off (instead of freshening up) makeup from the day just before husband comes home
      7. Using the toilet with him in the room
      8. Not making an attempt to smell sweet (with a little perfume or body oil)
      9. Never putting on sexy outfits
    3. It is a turn off to the husband
    4. Why it occurs
      1. Embracing the "wrong notion"
        1. A wife's belief after marriage
          1. Entitled to be loved, adored, protected, gifted, romanced, obeyed, and provided for
        2. The wrong belief because they don't give back
  2. How to fix it
    1. The wife needs to change becuase she's the complicated person
    2. Men are much simplier because they
      1. Forgive easier
      2. Behaviors are easily corrected with positive feedback (unlike a female)
  3. Why it matters so much
    1. Men are attracted to a female's femininity
    2. Femininity isn't only about appearance
    3. Femininity is ALSO about behaviors
    4. A woman who cares about her appearance (the gift) cares about her husband's emotional self-esteem
      1. Looking womanly and behaving sweetly and flirtatiously are gifts wives give to their husbands
      2. Communicates the husband is seen as a man, not just a fix-it guy, the breadwinner, or sperm donor
    5. If a wife wants romancing, being appealing will get more then appearing like a "hag"
  4. The forgotten
    1. Wife expects husband to go out of his way to please her and pamper her to make up for how "difficult" her life is
    2. The wife forgets how difficult his day was
    3. The realization
      1. Wife needs to appreciate what she has
      2. Wife needs to realize that "giving begets getting"
      3. Most important thing a wife has to give is herself
        1. Self needs to be taken care of and then shared
        2. Cleaning house, taking care of kids, working is NOT giving of herself to her husband
        3. Real essence of giving is more intimate, sensitive and vulnerable, and up close and personal
  5. Why a wife gets confused with the meaning of "romancing"
    1. Females don't romance husbands, husbands romance wives
    2. Men define romance differently
      1. Men think of what the woman likes
        1. Sweet words, flowers, perfume, dinners out, gifts (materialistic)
      2. What men expect from the woman
        1. To think less of what she can go out and buy but more of how she presents herself as a woman
          1. Helps to reinforce the male ego
          2. Its how she makes him feel like a real man and her hero
        2. She needs to tune out of herself and tune into her husband
  6. Men sound superficial, but they are not
    1. It's the effort the wife puts into pleasing her husband that turns them on (not superficial)
    2. Means men appreciate their wives care about their "male nature" which responds dramatically to visual stimulation
      1. Men like normally shaped women, like Jennifer Lopez or Marilyn Monroe
      2. Men don't normally like a lot of makeup
      3. Men are concerned if the woman lets herself go, gaining huge amounts of weight
        1. Men find a woman's body attractive even if they carry a little weight
        2. Husbands have intrinsic need to enjoy their wives body visually for emotional well-being
      4. Guys have a natural desire to be with a woman who cares enough about herself to look good for her mate
    3. Men are really sensitive
      1. Sensitive about their wife's appearance
      2. Her comfort and appreciation of her own body affects his well-being and feeling of being loved as a husband and valued as a "man"
    4. Just a little sex please
      1. Men are NOT sex hounds
      2. Sex at low frequency makes them happy (keeps sane and healthy)
      3. Withholding creates an unhealthy lifestyle for him (it will engulf him)
      4. Most men DON'T want to leave their wife
        1. But will due to lack of physical love, compassion, and understanding in the area of sexuality
      5. It's not about the "release"
        1. It's a number one need from the wife
        2. It's not about the act and sensaiton of pleasure
        3. It's about the acceptance by the wife of her man
        4. There's a communion in intercourse that will bond a man to his woman
          1. Then he will give himself in return, emotionally
  7. Women are the superficial selfish ones
    1. Unwillingness to accept responsibility for the upkeep of one's physcial or emotional well-being
      1. It's an insult to marital covenant (agreement, contract)
    2. Disregard for unique feelings and needs of spouse is a selfish act
      1. "If they loved me, they wouldn't make a fuss about such things" (irresponsible and destructive)
    3. Some women use sex to get what they want, and when they have it, it doesn't matter to them
  8. How a woman should think
    1. Women should say, "all my husband wants is to FEEL CLOSE to me," instead of "all my husband wants is sex from me"
    2. How this helps
      1. It will make it harder to dismiss his unique male sexuality
      2. Will allow him to communicate in his "natural" way of his feelings for his wife
      3. Rejection only brings hurt and doubt
      4. Men use sex to help put aside differences, to bring peace (and to show love)
      5. It allows him to get "close" to his wife
  9. How a woman should act even if she is not in the mood
    1. Weening the "voracious appetite"
    2. Take control by initiating sex play at reasonably frequent intervals
    3. Results
      1. Having more fun in their lives
      2. Feel closer to their husbands than ever before
      3. Husbands don't seem to be "nagging" about sex
    4. If you are not interested, urge him on, and make him come sooner
  10. What sex does for a relationship
    1. Sex after a child can help to reassure the bond
      1. Need each other's support and tenderness with the transition from "us" to "family"
      2. Can benefit from fun and release that sex offers
    2. Helps to build the male ego
      1. Adding to sexual satisfaction
      2. Build him up so that he's on the same pedestal that he puts you on
      3. It's a "hero" thing
    3. The solution to ridding depression (females)
      1. Will receive the emotional and physical feedback she want
 
Related Links:
Psychology Today: Sex: What Problem?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-2390.html
This is an article from the Psychology Today online site, which is like a self-help informative site for individuals. The main purpose of the article is to address the issue of HSD (Hypoactive Sex Drive) which is a recent condition that about 25% of Americans are diagnosed with. The article talks about the possibilites of how it can occur, which tends to be due to a reaction to antidepressents, or low levels of testostereone in the female, or too much prolactin in men. However, in the end this article points out that it could all be a "psychological" instead of a psyiological thing. Many of the patients who come in for help are having relationship issues, and those issues could have helped to escalate this disorder into existance. I found it interesting because, I did not know of such a disorder into existance except that viagra would be used for people who are unable to get the drive up due to psysiological reasons (usual age being a factor). I also found it interesting that partners who complain of not having enough sex, may just have an unusually high sex drive. With that thought in mind, I wonder what Dr. Laura would say to a caller, especially a female caller that questioned her insite of "taming" a husbands sex drive when it may not really be able to be "tamed."
 
"My Wife's Too Fat to Turn Me On!"
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/7m1/7m1008.html
This is from the Amercian Baby website section of self-help. It's like a "Dear Annie" section on improving relationships except the author is Holly Robinson. This husband has a problem with his wife's weight gain of 50 pounds after the twins have been born. He recently made the mistake of telling her why he doesn't want to have sex with her, and it's because she's too fat to turn him on. The author reminds him of the eatting changes, situational changes that a wife goes through after birth and agrees that 50 pounds may be a little excessive for the "after effects." However, if that's the case then maybe it is something in their relationship that is making her too stressed so she resorts to food or depressed. She reminds him that food is often subsituted for love, and he should talk to her and try to help her by trying to understand what the problem may be. She also encourages that maybe a little more help around the house could be the reason she may be so stressed that she's over eatting, but the main point is that he should talk to her about it and find other ways to show his love and appreciation for her verbally. She reminds him that his wife most likely knows that she is overweight, and to hear it coming from her husband is 100,000 times hurtful. I'd have to agree with everything that Robinson wrote and I thought that was good words of advice. I think that most "columnist" probably resond in that manner, but the first thing that came to mind after reading a chapter from Dr. Laura is that she would not say it as so. She would most likely say that the wife is being selfish and has comitted "moral infidelity."
 
If I was a rich girl: February 2006: Wednesday, February 01, 2006
http://howtoloseyourmindintendays.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_howtoloseyourmindintendays_archive.html
This is not a usual website that I usually stumble across, but I found it to be interesting. Instead, this is a female's personal blog who seems to still be in high school. Her blogs seem to contain mostly about commenting her daily life (peers, school, mother, etc.) and about herself. What I found interesting is her brief insert about the "frump syndrome," something that her and "c" has coined on their own. In her Februrary 01 posting she labels herself as a "low-maintenance frump" and that she gets it from her mother who is "a no-maintenance frump, with very poor house skills, dressing skills, self wellness skills, etc...." that she models after. I understand the pressures teens go through, especially females with make-up, hair, etc. However, I would never have guessed a female teen (young adult) to label herself as having the "frump syndrome" unless she's been exposed to Dr. Laura. On the interenet, it only seems that the "frump syndrome" is associated with Dr. Laura. This female, also voices that she hopes she does not turn into a "crazy desperate... housewife... overweight, and unhappy... (and the) kids are their life," which she claims is no fun and scary. Which in a way is what Dr. Laura says about putting the kids first over the husband is like.
 
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Tiffany Akiyama © Fall 2006