Report 1
My Field Observations of Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By: Crystal Bulda
Instructions for this report are at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report1.htm
G25 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm
Section A: AUVs in the Media
This Table is from: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209
1. Living together unmarried
2. Having children out of wedlock
3. Making each other jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner
7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in
competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in
competition for certain things
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without
their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other
reason)
11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but
should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their
gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women
should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter
what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he
apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and
she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is
being "unreasonable" etc.)
AUVs in Relation to the Unity Model of Marriage
The anti-unity table portrays a model where there is no spiritual and mental connection between a man and a woman. The table portrays a very dominant model in which the men are still spiritually independent compared to their woman’s commitment to the relationship. This kind of relationship will never succeed if the man believes that he is more important than the female. The man needs to fully understand that a relationship can only succeed spiritually if he puts his woman above every priority in his life. The unity model of marriage focuses on a relationship consisting of all three levels of the threefold self, which are, affective self, cognitive self, and the sensorimotor self. When this relationship is achieved then each male and female can be unified with a conjoint self.
The table above reveals how a man, with the influence of culture, prevents the conjoining process to take place between the two independent selves. Women are constantly seeking to conjoint themselves to their man, as a way to obtain ultimate happiness. Men on the other hand are constantly fighting off women from their own mental space of freedom and comfort. Looking at the table above, you can see that all of the examples provided do not allow a man and women to conjoint as one to be best friends or soul mates, but rather creates a situation where the man can do whatever he pleases independently, while the woman is constantly struggling to unite with him. There exists no reciprocity between the two sexes for unification.
One example which I find so common at my age is when same sex friends go out for entertainment without their partner. I see this type of activity as having the desire to have fun purposely without the other partner. Usually this type of fun is not a heavenly trait but rather having a hellish intention. Participating in an activity can lead to a feeling of independence from the other partner, knowing that they can’t control or influence your behavior since they aren’t present. Many times participating in outings with the same sex without the other partner can allow hellish intentions and behaviors to be expressed freely since there are no restrictions present at the moment.
Another example which is very common in the media is the exploitation of women from men. It is portrayed in genres of various means of entertainment to comedy, drama, horror, action movies to everyday television shows. Our culture has allowed women to be exploited as sex symbols, slaves, air-headed and dependent on men. When in actuality culture has only been satisfying the natural beastly desires of men, and not emphasizing that men need to understand women to bring them eternal happiness.
Section B: Findings of a Prior Generation
There were three different materials of media that Carly had observed to find anti-unity values portrayed in our society. Two of her observations are from songs by Jay Z and Atlantic Star. Jay Z’s song spoken of is called “Big Pimpin,” where they portray men in society as dominant beings and women as inferior to them as well. This song makes it acceptable to degrade women and manipulate them to do whatever they want. These anti-unity values allows a man to think that he has control over his women, which is completely opposite of the Unity Model of Marriage where neither sex is better than the other.
Carly’s other song that she had chosen to observe was “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Star. This song displays that it is acceptable to cheat on your spouse if they do not know about it. The song also illustrates how a person cheats and thinks about their affair in such a way that it is a good thing to do behind their spouses back. This was a good example on the anti-unity values of adultery. There can never be a Unity Marriage when one spouse is having an affective and cognitive relationship with someone other than their own spouse.
Before reading Carly’s report, I was aware that the song “Big Pimpin” was very detrimental to women, but I never really paid attention to the song “Secret Lovers.” It sounded like a very nice song, and I agree with Carly that it is a popular song. The anti-unity values portrayed in both songs are common topics in many different genres of music and I don’t find it surprising since our culture finds adultery and dominance more entertaining than songs reflecting actual true love.
In Carly Kanemura’s report, she wanted to show how the portrayal of women being seen as manipulative and evil are displayed in the media. She clearly explains her findings from the movie “Unfaithful.” In this movie, two points were emphasized, which were on marital affairs and on lying. Diane who is the “manipulative and evil” character cheats on her wonderful husband with another man by the name of Peter. Diane also purchases and wears sexy clothing to seduce Peter, while not concentrating on her husband, who is not on her mind at all. This portrays the anti-unity value of wanting to satisfy her own personal wants and desires instead of concentrating on her spectacular husband. Diane is destroying the emotional, trusting, and loving conjoining between herself and her husband.
The Second emphasis that Carly had explained was on the anti-unity value of Diane lying to her husband. Diane tells her husband lies and deceits him of her whereabouts. This shows the lack of honest communication from the anti-unity model. The husband is then left to feel left out from Diane’s life and this will destroy the relationship. Diane is committing an anti-unity value, where she doesn’t include her husband in her life but rather leaves him out of her life by not telling her husband the whole truth. Diane doesn’t portray any signs of wanting to conjoin spiritually to her husband at this point.
I also felt that women are degraded in the media, where they are seen most of the times as senseless, selfish, hopeless, sex symbols. In the scene where Diane buys lingerie to seduce Peter, I found that as a deceitful and evil portrayal of married women. Both husband and wife had not devoted their entire lives to each other to work on conjoining their spirits. It had only allowed viewers to begin having the ideas that women do these behaviors to their ever so perfect husbands, but in reality that isn’t the entire story. It is often seen from the man’s point of view and not put into the female’s psychology.
Carly also states that when you have familiarized yourself with the anti-unity values model, you can then begin to see the how the media presents us with the idolized view of how women are supposed to behave. I found this also relative to my opinions because I have never noticed all of the findings of what the media has provided for us that portrays anti-unity values before. Men may watch television and compare their wives to those women influencing their outlook of their own marriage or relationships. This will only restrain the two partners from conjoining spiritually, and will encourage more anti-unity values seen in the media.
Skip Saito reported on observations from the music industry as well as the movie scene. In the music industry Skip decided to choose two songs; “Jealousy Woes,” from Eminem, and “Confessions,” sung by Usher. Eminem’s song had revealed the anti-unity values of making each other jealous on purpose, adultery for various reasons, and flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner. Usher had also portrayed more anti-unity values which were adultery, and having children out of wedlock.
While reading Skip’s choices of music I felt that it was an excellent choice of picks. I am more interested in Usher’s song “Confessions” because I have thought about each lyric in that song to have criticized as well when it first came out on radio. I first thought how it was a horrible situation that Usher sung about. In the song, the man the story speaks of gets another woman pregnant and has no idea as to how should he tell his true love. First of all, he shouldn’t have even been committing adultery which is an anti-unity value. Then the pregnancy just adds the cherry on top, where having a child out of wedlock is another anti-unity value.
The song “Confessions” also describes how he wants to work out the anti-unity value that he has committed on his actual lover. She is portrayed as the sex that gets screwed over in relationships due to the men’s promiscuity. I believe that this song reveals how men cheat on women and then think that they can say sorry and the problem will be gone. This also shows a dominant view where the woman’s feelings are put aside and the man is still trying to get what he wants. This entire song revealed how he was lying and manipulating her which will only pushes a couple further from Unity.
Skip’s other pick, “Jealousy Woes,” which also portrays a very dominant perspective over women. This is because of the common derogation that is portrayed towards women. He sings about how he was jealous and now hates his partner. I cannot see any unity between a couple where there is jealousy and any sorts of hatred toward each other. I see no efforts in the song of how they put any effort into trying to understand each other, but rather retaliate and talk bad of one another. I find the lyrics in this song very popular with many songs. There are many songs that males sing about hating their partner they apparently love. This makes no sense at all to me as to uniting with the one they love.
Skip had emphasized on two points in his field observation from a movie. He had reviewed the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which is a movie about a couple who lives separate lives. Each partner is a secret hit-man that neither of them knows about. They each have the duty to kill off each other but they do not easily reveal that they are on a mission to kill off their own spouse. The two anti-unity values that were explained was on the entire idea that both partners didn’t know that they were living a double life through deception, and the second anti-unity value was on the fact that even when they had found out they were hit-men, both had pretended that they didn’t know.
The main theme of the movie had portrayed a marriage in which lies, deception, and manipulation was the entire mentality of John and Jane Smith. Both had mistrust throughout the movie because they had to figure out each others behaviors and next moves to fulfill the mission, which shows the evil intentions throughout the whole movie. In one scene where Jane had cooked food for John, he was caught debating about the food that was prepared thinking that it could’ve been poisoned. This example shows that John couldn’t trust his own wife.
The next example provided by Skip was where Jane went ahead and bought new curtains and John got upset. In the unity model of marriage an argument wouldn’t have occurred between the two since they would’ve consulted with one another before the purchase was made. Also John would’ve accepted the new curtains and instead would compliment the new curtains. This scene had shown and anti-unity value where John felt that it was his control whether the curtains should be bought or not. This reveals a very dominate point of thinking on John’s behalf. John believes that Jane shouldn’t have done this without his consent. Jane too had not included John in buying the curtains, so this too shows her independent decisions without her husband’s opinions.
My reactions to Skip’s findings are surprising. I didn’t think of Mr. and Mrs. Smith to be a good example of anti-unity values at first. I actually didn’t see the movie but knew the brief overview of the movie. I think that Skip chose a good movie on behalf of entirety of how much deception is portrayed throughout the movie. The movie is based on each other plotting to kill each other off. Living a double life showed that there could never be a unity marriage. I think that Jane and John will never be able to unite if they are not completely honest with one another. Skip revealed a common problem between marriages where one or both partners still live throughout their marriages with some sort of mentality of independence.
Skip’s other example of curtains was another good example. I believe that it is common in every relationship when the man gets upset when his wife does something behind his back. Whatever the behavior the man usually pins on the woman, where he can make her feel as if it’s her fault, when his participation wouldn’t have really done anything. This shows how men feel as if they need to consulted or asked permission before their woman can do anything. I believe that women are constantly trying to please their husbands, but if they want to, they can push their husband’s buttons with retaliation and do something like Jane had done, by going out and buying curtains without John.
During Lauren Buchner investigation she had observed a movie and two songs as her source of media and she found consequences that she pointed out directly from her movie, which were how the media allows wives lowering their expectations in the relationship, increased likelihood of abuse in the relationship, and the increase of cheating in relationships. Also she includes that sex may become more apparent to younger females since it is portrayed everywhere in the media and the lack of assertion from females.
Lauren’s choices of music had gotten my attention when I read her choice of music. I also listen to Mos Def and Common and find them entertaining. Lauren reviews Mos Def’s song “Ms. Fat Booty,” which displays women preferring men with lots of money and who like to show it off making her look good. This song describes the anti-unity value of promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as a part of their nature. Another anti-unity value sung in this song is the females behind, as a sexual object. This part of the song makes it normal for a man to exploit women.
In Lauren’s observation from Common, she chose to review the song, “Faithful.” This song poses the question that if God was a female, would she be mistreated by himself and others like him. Here it is obvious that Common sings about how society and the media disrespects women, and not how God had intended for women’s unfair treatments. The lyrics in this song portray a dominant model in which men’s wrongful behaviors are justified. One example is when the man in the song cheats on his women, but it is okay since he feels guilty for what he has done. This story makes it look justifiable for men to commit adultery, which is a common anti-unity value that is found in the media everywhere.
I felt that Lauren’s two songs she observed were excellent choices, because the topics in both songs were very deceiving when you first hear the song. No one actually has a true understanding of the meaning behind the song until it is listened to every word for word. The anti-unity value in these songs is not easily noticeable, since both songs are sung in a style that sings of how the people portray society. Unlike other songs where they obviously degrade women or speak about a story of cheating, the two hip-hop songs chosen by Lauren pose questions to think about of our society today. Especially Common, who is a talented artist, sings many songs with an underlying perception about the world and the people around us.
Lauren Buchner had chosen the movie “The Story of Us,” where it portrays many anti-unity values, along with dominance and equity models of marriage. In this movie, a married couple of 15 years, with two adolescent children, begin to hide their problems behind their children’s back. Katie and Ben plan every activity to deceit their children to believe that they are actually happily married, but Ben and Katie are only destroying their marriage. Lauren had found multiple anti-unity values throughout the movie, many of which constitutes of their disagreements and unhappiness of the marriage.
One finding was in one scene where Katie believes that her husband is cheating because she had caught her husband talking about their marriage to another woman. Katie feels as if her husband has an intimate relationship with his female friend, since he probably felt close enough to discuss his marriage problem with her. Another finding describes a scene when Katie and Ben try to rekindle their love for one another, but instead end up arguing about how Katie has turned into her unaffectionate, perfectionist mother. This only results in the final decision to divorce.
In the first finding that Lauren had described about Katie feeling as if her husband is cheating on her, I also feel that this is an important anti-unity value that should be emphasized. This included the anti-unity value of having an opposite sex partner and competing for intimate time with one another. Ben had gone to someone else for an intimate conversation that was very important to him. Ben had left out Katie from his deep thoughts and instead shared them with another female. I don’t blame Katie for feeling like she was cheated on because that was what he did. Ben had cheated on Katie on the mental level. Ben’s behavior excluded Katie from his cognitive level of thinking. This definitely didn’t allow their cognitive relationship to progress but instead degenerate.
Also since Ben and Katie were constantly hiding their problems from their children, there were many situations where they had to lie and act deceitful. Each partner wasn’t true to the entire family. Ben and Katie first pretended that there was nothing wrong, but it was evident that they had lacked communication with each other. Ben and Katie emphasized on how to disguise their problems instead of working on their problems. This is relevant to the anti-unity value of acting like it was okay to “agree to disagree.”
Also from Lauren’s finding where she pointed out how Katie felt cheated on because Ben had conversed with another female, I found that relevant to my summer school class of 2006. I had taken a religion class based on the meaning of religion. Here in this class we covered a section on intimate relationships. We discussed how it would be considered cheating when a partner seeks acceptance or support from another than their own partner. The partner left out would feel abandoned, victimized, and hurt at the fact that they can’t fulfill their lover’s depth level wants and needs, and that their lover had to seek other means of fulfillment.
Adriel Stipek had observed one movie and two songs as her materials to investigate for anti-unity values. She has also included a song which encourages the Unity Model of Marriage. Her two anti-unity songs chosen were from Limp Bizkit, “My Way,” and Fiona Apple, called “Never is a Promise.” The third song chosen that influenced a Unity Model was from Keith Urban called “Making Memories.” I thought that it was very unique how she had decided to include a song that influenced the Unity Model of Marriage.
Adriel’s pick from Limp Bizkit came to me as a perfect example of an anti-unity valued song. The lyrics reflect a man’s behavior of getting power over his girlfriend. The lyrics also threaten that she must do whatever he wants or else he will leave her. Adriel and I found many anti-unity values especially on the value that women are less important, less rational, and more frivolous than men. The song reflects his status in the relationship where he is dominant, and more important than her. He doesn’t take the time to understand his girlfriend, but instead wants everything just his way only.
I find this these types of lyrics to be very common in majority of the songs played in the media. Many songs reflect what a guy wants his women to do for him, whether it be sexual acts or just being a slave for him. These songs can only make men believe that they have the right to dominate women, using threats and force upon them. I have always thought that Limp Bizkit always portrayed a dominant role in most of his songs, and he has many fans who love his music. I can recall times when friends would use the phrase “It’s my way, or the highway,” when this song was on the top charts. I perhaps have said this line once myself when I joked about wanting things my way about a guy I was dating in the past. It had never occurred to me how serious that this song could be taken before when it had first played on the radio, but now I’m beginning to understand the influence that it may have on our society.
Adriel’s second song she chose is from Fiona Apple, called “Never Make a Promise.” She discovered a woman who has settled for something less than what she deserves. One lyric that Fiona repeats throughout the entire song is “never is promise, and you can’t afford to lie.” Adriel found this lyric to mean that Fiona is telling him that when he says never, he is making a promise, and she knows that he will eventually break this promise. These findings are relevant to the anti-unity value of promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner, but instead accept them with their faults.
I found this pick from Adriel a unique pick because along with Adriel, I had a hard time understanding the underlying meaning of the lyrics. Many women accept their man for their faults and still continue the relationship like nothing is wrong. Women are constantly putting men before themselves through their compassionate characteristics. This will never progress to a unity marriage, if one or the other cannot be truly honest with the other partner. I also believe that in the lyrics where Fiona sings “never is a promise, and you can’t afford to lie,” it meant that never is an inevitable promise that will be broken and once the truth is found out, than it will be revealed that the entire relationship was based on an illusion.
The third song that Adriel chose is by Keith Urban, called “Making Memories of Us.” Here Adriel chose a song reflecting a relationship to progress to a Unity Marriage. This song revealed a positive influence on young people, on the way a relationship should be carried out. The song emphasizes the importance of respecting their partner’s parents, building trust, and the loving your partner unconditionally for eternity. This song also sings of how a couple needs to work together through think and thin to achieve Unity Marriage forever.
Adriel emphasized on how the media portrays anti-values on adultery and accepting men as more important than women. She observes the movie “Sweet Home Alabama,” and describes 4 scenes where Adriel found anti-unity values. In Adriel’s findings there is evidence of dominance over the women in the movie; also the woman is the gender committing the adulterous anti-unity value. The main characters spoken of were Melanie, who is still married to Jake, and her new beau Andrew. Adriel was able to describe each character exploiting anti-unity values.
Adriel’s first finding was when Andrew proposed to Melanie stating that he knew what the answer already was. Melanie stared at Andrew in disbelief that he was actually proposing, and hesitated. This had portrayed the anti-unity value that males are more important than women. This scene describes how Melanie wasn’t allowed to voice her choice, since it didn’t matter to Andrew. Instead he just insisted that she marry him and he made her choose a wedding ring right then and there at Tiffany’s jewelry store. Melanie just went along with the whole activity not realizing what she was getting herself into.
Adriel’s second finding from “Sweet Home Alabama” was a scene that occurred after Melanie and Jake were at the local bar. In this scene Melanie had to bring the divorce papers to Jake to force him to sign them in order for her to marry Andrew. Melanie had ended up drunk and putting Jake down about his lifestyle as well as their old friends. Jake ended up physically grabbing Melanie and forcing her into the truck while she still brags about her perfect rich life. Here Jake performs a dominant forceful act upon Melanie.
The third finding that Adriel displays occurs in the graveyard where Melanie says goodbye to her and Jake’s late dog. Melanie cries about the frustrations from Jake’s and Melanie’s marriage and the entire situation of her leaving the slow town they grew up in. Jake was listening the entire time and came up from behind to surprise Melanie. Melanie still cares for Jake and she is hesitant but ends up kissing Jake, which turned into a sparkling event. There are feelings rekindled and both feel the connection.
Finally the fourth observation that Adriel made described the wedding scene when Andrew had set up the ceremony in Alabama, forgiving Melanie about her marriage with Jake. The wedding ceremony begins to be suddenly stopped by Melanie’s divorce attorney, who states that Melanie didn’t sign the divorce papers yet. Melanie unconsciously didn’t realize that she was marring Andrew while her heart was set on another lover, Jake. This sort of relates with the anti-unity value of making it look normal to be with a man who has all the perks and prerogatives but not through actual love.
Adriel has chosen some findings that I also found to be anti-unity values. When I watched this movie, the proposal scene in Tiffany’s jewelry store also got to me, when Andrew just insisted that she was going to say yes. I would’ve been very hurt to think that he has control over me, and that his decisions overruled my choices. It seemed as if Andrew didn’t care what Melanie felt like, but just as long as she marries him. It is common for women to feel as if they have to just go with the flow when the man has already made the decisions without them. This is portrayed in media everywhere in which women just go along with whatever the man wants to do.
I also found her graveyard scene intriguing because it seems as if Melanie was still working on a Unity Marriage with Jake although she was engaged to Andrew. Although Melanie had kissed Jake suddenly, spiritually, I could see it in her and Jake’s eyes that they had a much better relationship with each other than Melanie and Andrew did. Melanie had committed adultery against Andrew, but I didn’t see Andrew and her trying to develop a Unity Marriage in the first place, since her heart was still with Jake.
Cynthia Adam’s has chosen two songs which she felt conveyed anti-unity values along with the movie “It Could Happen to You.” Her two songs chosen were “When Love Comes to Town,” by U2, and “You Otta Know,” by Alanis Morisette. The anti-unity values portrayed in her pick from U2 were based on deception, adultery, and the exploitation of women. Alanis Morisette’s song reflected a woman’s feelings about the ending of a relationship where anti-unity values like jealousy, manipulation through deception, and how each partner wasn’t willing to change for the other partner.
I found both songs as good examples that shown the perspective from both sexes. In U2’s song, I felt that this was the common nature of man to deceit the woman into receiving sex or anything for his selfish wants and desires. Women are constantly trying to please their man, without knowing that they are capable of using that against the female sex. U2’s song has a huge influence on the dominance in society since it exploits women as sex objects and it also exploits women as generally frivolous as part of their gender.
Alanis Morisette’s song on the other hand came from the perspective of the females’. I felt that it conveyed an upsetting point of view where the female has tried and has had it when she sees that the man is not trying to be the other half of her Unity relationship. I find this song slightly different from the other songs chosen from each 5 students, when the female in the song wanted to conjoin with her partner, but instead the man chooses not to conjoin. I found this to reflect how emotionally and mentally tiresome it is to struggle to unite with a man. It sort of seemed as if she were expressing a zealous reason for her angry emotions in the lyrics.
Cynthia had also done observations from the movie “It Could Happen to You.” Cynthia emphasizes on how there many scenes which illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions are contradicting a progressive Unity marriage. The anti-unity values that Cynthia has found were all relevant to separate interests and activities that were acceptable to each partner. The entire story of the movie is based on Charlie’s decisions that excluded his wife, Muriel’s opinions.
The first finding that Cynthia reported was on a scene when Charlie bought a lottery ticket that was insisted by Muriel. Charlie then ate at a restaurant and promises the waitress half of the winnings from the lottery ticket as her tip if he should win. This illustrated an anti-unity value of portraying the woman’s ideas and opinions as not as important as the man’s. Charlie then apologizes revealing another anti-unity value where now things should be alright now that the man has apologized to his wife for his “tiny” mistake.
The next finding that Cynthia recognizes is when Charlie feels that his wife is not rational about the winning of the lottery, since half was promised to go to the waitress, Yvonne. Charlie exercises the anti-unity value of believing that the woman is not rational in her ways of thinking. Charlie should not think like this towards his own wife, since she should be his first priority. Charlie believes that he is the rational one in the situation which also explicit that his opinions are more important than his wife’s.
The third finding that Cynthia has observed was about a scene where Charlie and Yvonne end up developing a relationship. One of the activities is when Charlie and Yvonne decide to eat dinner together and get to know one another. The conversation leads to intimate topics about Charlie’s marriage with Muriel. Then the relationship continues. This displayed the anti-unity value where Charlie is going out with the opposite sex and excluding Muriel from his outings.
The most intense scene that Cynthia found was when Charlie and Yvonne end up having sex with each other. Now the friendship between Yvonne and Charlie progressed to a point where their other spouse’s feelings are no longer their first priority anymore. Charlie definitely shows how his desires and wants are more important than his wife’s. This has only led to a diversion from progressing into deeper relationship with his wife. This movie has shown how Charlie has maintained separate thoughts and attitudes away from his wife and how he resisted his wife in her attempts to change him. This anti-unity value has only led to the divorcing between Charlie and Muriel.
My thoughts about these observations before Regarding the Portrayal of Gender Interactions
I have thought about the degrading of women before, and I had also studied a bit of it in my sociology class, which were on community problems. One the problems that we had reviewed were on the degradation of races and genders. Our class had to search through magazines and find sexist advertisement, which were majority females being portrayed as seductive sex toys. These ads were in popular magazines, which both male and females could view, but we had learned of how men are more attracted to these sexy females, and women only compare themselves to these females.
The degradation of women in the media influences our culture to accept a dominant society, where men have control over women. Women are constantly portrayed as needy, naggers, and eager for sex. Men are influenced by the media to idealize that their partner should be more like those portrayed in the media, which is barely ever really the case. Women are then forced to act a certain way to be like those in the media, which is dangerous, costly, and mentally abusive. These efforts by women and the standards of men will distract the marriage from achieving the true goal of unity.
My Own interactions at Home
This is very relevant to my everyday life at home or at work. My father for example, is a typical version of a dominant husband in any drama show, or movie. He doesn’t cook, clean, or do anything that is not a “man’s job.” He pins all of the problems in the house on my mother, assuming that she is stupid or doesn’t know how to do anything, when in fact my mother is very cleaver and brilliant. His outlook in life is that it is a women’s duty to do the traditional female roles, while he is the money maker. He also always says that my mother is nagging, when all she wants is for his to do a household chore.
Effects that May Occur upon Young Children
Some of these portrayals may have an effect on young boys and girls in a sense that they feel like this is how they have to be to fit in society. Many young girls are beginning to wear make-up, revealing clothing, acting sexy to other young boys, and pretending as if they were adults. Also young boys begin to look at girls as being the under dogs in life and not equal to them. They tend to talk down to girls as if they were more powerful than them. Young children can only refer to their environment, whether it is their parents or the media. Young children are constantly observing their surroundings for models for their own life. If the media, which is a huge impact on the younger generations, doesn’t portray unity values, then there is nothing for the youth to live accordingly to.
Finding Confirmations from the Web
Although there were many websites that confirmed some of my conclusions towards the gender discrimination in the media, I had chosen five sites that I found interesting to read. Each of which recognizes the idea that women are exploited in ways that socializes the female gender to be degrading. One of the sites that I had read was a brief description as to the stereotypical example of a man portrayed in the media. All five sites that I chose were based on different topics about the influence of media.
The first site I found was from the University of Texas, which emphasized how women are used as sexual objects in pornography and the relevance to sexual violence. This site was based on the portrayal of women as slaves, where men may be influenced to denigrate the female sex thinking that it is acceptable. According to Robert pornography is said to be an important factor in shaping a male-dominant view of sexuality, and provide a training manual for abusers. Pornography also plays a role in shaping our society’s conceptions of the body, gender, sexuality, and intimacy. This web site can be found at: http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/arpornography/arpornography.html
The next site that I found, gave large confirmation as to the existence of the degradation of women. I took notice to Essence Magazine’s actions against the predominant representation of black women as hypersexual objects. The mission here is called, “Take Back the Music,” to raise consciousness and promote way for consumers and producers of music to bring about more alternatives than depicting the stereotyped black women. This action begun through society’s standard of debasing and objectifying women, also because nowadays this type of media is accessible to children.
Essence Magazine also emphasized how lyrics now advocate violence against women, too often, music videos and lyrics sends the messages that women are bitches, who can only amount to a stripper pole. Music has shifted from art to corporate product, with a pimp ideology. Much of the popular music industry has lost the original culture of the music, and has allowed corporations take over the entire beauty of music. I found it intriguing to see that there are efforts to fight against the male dominated music industry from Essence. This site can be found at: http://www.essence.com/essence/takebackthemusic/faqs.html
A third website that confirmed my conclusions from the past generation’s observations were from Black College Wire, by Shauntel Lowe. Here is an article based on a canceled music video compilation show known as “BET Uncut.” This network had previewed butt-jiggling, thong-tossing, pole-sliding videos. These videos sparked protests from viewers which called it misogynistic and borderline pornographic. These shows can only confirm that hip-hop has no respect for women. Also mentioned in this article is Essence’s campaign to raise awareness about media degradation and negative portrayal of women. This site can be located at: http://www.black-collegian.com/news/bcwire/bet_uncut_0706.htm
Men are always portrayed as the powerful gender in the media and I have found one site that had confirmed that theory. This site was a brief description of how the media defines masculinity. Mainstream representations reinforce the ideas that to be a “real” man in society they must obtain characteristics like self-control, or control over others, aggression, violence, financial independence, and physical desirability. A California based organization called Children Now, has examined the influence of media on children, and their report argues that the media’s portrayal of men tends to reinforce men’s social dominance. This site can be found at: www.media-awareness.ca/english/issues/stereotyping/men_and_mas
Section C: My Own Findings on AUVs in the Media
I had chosen Everyone Loves Raymond for one of my sitcoms to watch. I really enjoy watching the sitcoms although the show has had their final episode already; there are always new shows that I haven’t seen yet. Ray is the husband in the family, and Deborah is the wife. Ray’s parents also play an enormous part in the show whose names are Marie and Frank. This show displays the most obvious scenes of the dominant model of marriage that I can think of.
Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior: Everyone Loves Raymond
A typical scene involves Frank and Marie debating about how Frank appreciates everything that Marie does for him. Marie tells Frank that he “never says thank you for cooking.” Frank ends up replying “where’s my thank you for buying that food to cook?” Marie goes on about Frank never caring for the whole time that they were married, and Frank shouts back at Marie that “it’s your job!”
A recent episode that I never viewed till this field observation is about Ray’s choice of whom he was going to take to the super bowl game. Ray instead chose his friend John to avoid any arguments between Ray’s father, Frank, or between his brother. Deborah feels excluded with this entire decision making that Ray had to make. Deborah finally gets the courage to ask Ray how come he doesn’t take her to the game. Deborah asks Ray “why couldn’t they go on a trip together?” Ray then insists that “no one brings their wives.” This demonstrated the importance of wanting to be with the men instead of his wife.
When arriving at the hotel Ray ends up seeing all of his male friends and their wives. All of the wives ask where Deborah is and Ray ends up making up an excuse that she is very sick at home. Ray feels guilty and calls Deborah to come to take John’s place. Deborah ends up as soon as possible anxiously awaiting to spend time with Ray on the trip.
Soon after Deborah’s arrival at the hotel, the men decide to go golfing, while all of the wives choose to go to an arts and crafts convention. Ray insists that Deborah goes with the other wives, while he goes golfing. Deborah gets very upset that he doesn’t want to be with her all day. Ray ends up calling Deborah “poutty mouth!” Deborah replies to Ray that he “just doesn’t get it!” Suddenly Ray accidentally bursts out “you weren’t supposed to be here!”
Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior: Everyone Loves Raymond
Deborah feels very hurt after hearing what Ray had said, and begins to cry. She starts -packing her luggage bags to return home, but Ray tells her that he loves her. Deborah insists that the super bowl game is more important to Ray than she is, and Ray keeps denying that fact. He then Deborah, “you’re more important to me than the stupid super bowl game and I won’t go to the super bowl game for you.” Ray then rips the tickets into pieces and eats the torn tickets. Ray tells Deborah that he wants to spend all of his time with her.
Another episode viewed in their house, where Deborah spoke of being embarrassed of Ray being her husband, when they are at PTA meetings for their daughter’s school. Deborah brings up the embarrassment saying “you always are stuffing food in your pants to take home, and Ray replies by saying “I’m suppose to support, by eating all of their food!” Deborah tells Ray that he embarrasses her at all functions. Ray ends up replying “I didn’t know that I was making you embarrassed, and I’ll stop stuffing food down my pants.”
Comments and Conclusions to Everyone Loves Raymond
In Everyone Loves Raymond, I found there to be a large sum of observations that reveal a very dominant model of marriage. Ray and Frank are constantly reinforcing the idea to Deborah and Marie that it is their job to tend to their every need and let the men have their independence. On the other hand many of the arguments that Deborah and Marie have are due to the fact that there is no appreciation felt from Ray and Frank.
Ray is constantly trying to keep his independence from Deborah by hanging out with his buddies and not telling her the entire truth. Ray makes plans with only the boys without Deborah and she is constantly felt left out of his activities. Deborah and Ray seem as if they could never have a Unity Marriage since Ray is always making decisions without Deborah’s concern or opinion. In this sitcom, Deborah always struggles to get Ray to do things for her to get Ray to understand her more and Ray just can’t get it all the time. Ray doesn’t try to see things from her perspective which is frustrating to Deborah.
I found this show to reflect a completely dominated scripted show that humiliates the females by stating what a wife should do and the freedom that the husband should have in the marriage. Majority of the show revealed disjunctive scenes instead of conjunctive scenes. The show mimics the lives of the typical dominant husband clashing against an equity/unity striving wife. The females illustrated in this show are always striving for unity while the man is keeping independence.
The second show that I chose for my own field observation was a cartoon, Family Guy. The entire theme of the show is to exploit the lifestyle of a family, which according to the theme song avoids everything that the media reveals in their family shows. I found that majority of the scenes were related to what Peter, who is the husband, wanted or needed. This show had a dominance model of marriage although it wasn’t clearly obvious. All of the interactions with Louis, who is the wife, were spoken in a style that Peter had control over her.
Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior: Family Guy
While Louis is using the restroom at the bowling alley, Glen, Peter’s friend, is caught peeping at Louis in the bathroom stall. Glen then is arrested and Peter and his other friends bail out Glen. Peter brings Glen to the house, and Louis reacts by saying “look who’s here!” Peter replies, “Louis, say sorry for getting Glen arrested, he’s just attracted to you. Glens just a good guy, he’s a little mixed up, that’s all.”
Peter is constantly going to The Clam, which is the local bar, with all of his male friends only. Here is where they discuss all of the problems that they have going on in their lives, from their wives, to the news. At The Clam, Peter states that he has nothing in his life, which meant that he obviously doesn’t put his wife Louis as a top priority.
Another scene that I had observed reflected the discreet actions that Louis performed her dominant marriage. One day when Peter had gotten blind from eating too much nickels, Louis had stopped wearing make-up. Brian, who is the dog of the family, asks Louis why she isn’t wearing any make-up today. Louis replies, “now that Peter’s blind, it’s kind of nice not to worry about appearance.”
Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and Behaviors: Family Guy
In scene illustrated where Peter ate too much nickels to somehow become famous. Glen had lost his eye sight from eating too much nickel and he was depressed. Peter told Louis, “I love you Louis,” and Louis replied “I love you too, even if you’re full of nickels.” They ended making love with Peter’s disability.
Comments and Conclusions to Family Guy
I had noticed a lot of dominant behaviors in this cartoon. The entire family revolved around Peter and his life. Louis was always by his side to tend to his every need. Her thoughts didn’t matter to Peter when she had protested her thoughts about Glen. Also an explicit scene that I found dominant was when Louis stopped wearing make-up because Peter was blind. Louis revealed Dr. Laura’s rules as to always making sure the wife’s appearance is primped and proper for the husband.
I found this show to be deceiving since the theme song sings about how the media influences other families, yet in Family Guy there are hidden messages that women are to tend to a mans every need and want in the marriage and the wife’s thoughts are not as important as the husbands. The husband is allowed to do group activities with the men without his wife included.
From the findings that I found from observing the media, I felt that the dominance model were visible everywhere. I had never paid close attention to the underlying power that the media allowed men to have over women. This seems to be the only thing that society knows which, are the acceptable dominant behaviors that men are just natural to.
When discussing my observations with my friends we had all come up with the same reactions that we were unconscious of how frequent and concealing dominant behaviors occurred in the media. We all had just accepted the behaviors that men portray in the media since we were conditioned to believe that this was the way it always was.
I believe that the dominant interactions portrayed in the media are the most entertaining to viewers. It has everything to deal with violating the female gender and revealing all of the bad things that can go wrong with a marriage. The media is considered to be more suspenseful, when there are a lot of negative emotions, secrets, mysteries, or adulterous affairs. The popular media also produce all of the horrible things that viewers can relate to in their own lives.
The consequences that the media provides for couples and society today results in the acceptance of the dominance model of relationships. The male gender will find it acceptable to denigrate females since they have been influenced that they do hold the power in the relationship. Females on the other hand will allow men to treat then in overt behaviors since this is just how men act. Many couple will never be able to obtain a Unity Model of Marriage with the illusion that the men hold the dominant role.
The media may also have an impact on the attitudes on adolescents and young women and men by allowing them to have a stereotyped view of gender behaviors in three domains of the threefold self. The first where there is an exploitative feeling and intention toward girls and women, whom men will view as the “opposite” sex, second sexist thoughts may develop that stereotype women into a negative content, and the injurious or hostile actions and words against women.
Section D: Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal Interactions
For my research on disjunctive and conjunctive verbal interactions, I have chosen to review through “The Wedding,” by Nicholas Sparks. Sparks is known for his genre of writing, which consists of love, marriage, and the spiritual conjoining that the male characters are always yearning for their partners.
In this story Jane who is the wife speaks with Wilson, her husband about plans for their daughter’s wedding plans. I was interested in finding a few dialogs that illustrated the conjunctive talk that a man should have with their wife to form a Unity Model of Marriage. Here are a few selections of dialog that I have chosen.
“Oh, you know. Sometimes you get upset when things start getting expensive,” begun Jane.
“I do,” replied Wilson.
“Don’t bother pretending. Don’t you remember how you were with all the renovations? Or when the heat pump kept breaking? You even shine your own shoes…”
Wilson raised his hands in surrender saying “okay, you made your point. But don’t worry. This is different. Even is we spend everything we have, it’ll still be worth it.”
This section of dialog portrayed a conjunctive style of talking. Wilson understood and accepted what Jane had to say to him about his personality traits. He then used conjunctive talk when he spoke to her using “we” instead of “I” will get through the expenses together. He had replied to his wife with the problems that existed as both of their problems, not as her or his own problem.
“Mmm. I think I’m going to need your help,” Jane said at last.
“What did you have in mind?” questioned Wilson
“Well, you’ll need a tux for you, Keith, and Joseph, of course. And Daddy to…” Jane continued.
“No problem. I’d be glad to take care of it. I’ll start tomorrow,” replied Wilson.
In this prior dialog, Jane had asked for a favor in which Wilson easily agreed to do for her. Wilson instead went ahead and made her request a first priority. Wilson had put his wife first in order to make her life easier. This reflected another verbal interaction of conjunctive talk that revealed a romantic tension between the two.
“Anna’s excited. She’s just nervous about how it’ll turn out,” Wilson stated.
“No, she’s not. Anna never gets nervous about anything. She’s like you,” Jane replies.
“I get nervous!” Wilson protested.
“No, you don’t,” Jane responded.
“Name one time!” exclaimed Wilson.
Here is a dialog that reveals disjunctive talk between Wilson and Jane. Jane tells her husband that he doesn’t get nervous, but Wilson disagrees and protests instead to win this debate. Wilson thinks that he knows himself well enough even though his wife tells him what his traits are actually like. Here Wilson denies what Jane has to say believing that his ideas are more accurate than of his wife’s. This may stem from a dominant model, where the man is thinking separately from his wife’s.
“So are they going to set up a tent? Since we’re eating outside?” questioned Jane.
“Why don’t we use the house? I’m going to be out there anyway when the landscapers come, so why don’t I try to get a cleaning crew out there to get it ready? We’ve got a few days-I’m sure I can find someone,” replied Wilson
“We’ll give it a try, I guess,” Jane said slowly.
This dialog demonstrated an Equity Model of Marriage that was based on compromising between Wilson and Jane. There was a disjunctive style in the dialog where Jane had to agree with what Wilson suggested although she wasn’t enthusiastic about the decision. In a sense there existed a slight competition of whose idea to follow through with. They both felt that they were respecting each others point of view and both had made consensual agreements as to the whereabouts of the eating location for the wedding.
Section E: Conclusion and Advice to Future Generations
Within two months of taking Dr. Leon James Unity Model of Marriage class, I have learned a lot regarding three types of marriages. The lowest model is the Dominant Model, followed by the Equity Model, and the highest level of marriage, which is the Unity Model. Each pertains to certain principles by which the husband governs his behaviors toward his wife.
The Dominant model reflects a husband’s and wives mental state called exterior sensorimotor conjunction where their sensations and movements are mutually and reciprocally interdependent. The husband insists on his own pleasures and not his wife’s. This type of marriage is called a natural traditional marriage resembling “Till the husband decides to divorce his wife.” Consociation between the two is by male dominated norms. The wife is submissive and obedient to the husband while enduring the societal sanctioned abuse of women by men.
The next progressive level of marriage is the Equity model of marriage. This is considered to be a natural progressive marriage, meaning “Till death do us part.” Both the wife and husband make decisions by agreeing, contracting, associating, and co-sponsoring. There are consensual arrangements, equal rights, husband agrees to help with domestic chores, husband maintains independence when he wants, and the women are unhappy. Here the women are constantly trying to analyze her husband to get a focused perception to the relationship, which is the process of conjoining.
Finally, the Unity Model of Marriage is where we all are striving to reach, where it is a spiritual marriage, meaning “Till endless eternity of the afterlife.” There are many important characters of the partnership of this marriage where there is reciprocity with differentiation, unification of the spirits, conjoining rational thinking, and theistic enlightenment of knowing that they will be together forever. The husband chooses to always act from his wife’s feelings and preferences instead of his own resulting in unification into one conjoined self in heaven. A relationship will not reach this level until the two partners reach the inmost affective conjunction. This means that the man has aligned his feelings with his wife; letting go of his affective independence.
This class so far has benefited my perspective on relationships, where I am now able to detect what a man’s traits should be before I decide to put efforts into conjoining with him. I am more conscious of how the media can influence my outlook as to what is considered to be acceptable and what the underlying meanings behind the behaviors exhibit.
In this class, I felt that the concepts and ides that were thus far presented in this semester were easily understood. The reason why I have understood each concept in this class is because I have already taken Dr. Leon James course in Theistic Psychology. Leon James’s Theistic Psychology class has expanded my rational level of thinking where I am able to comprehend the ultimate goal of the meaning of life. The Unity Model of Marriage makes complete sense if you think of it as a way of preparation for our heavenly afterlife in the spiritual world with our eternal soul mate.
I think that the Unity Model of Marriage could be more easily understood if Theistic Psychology class were taken prior to. There are a few concepts that need to be thoroughly explained before getting serious with the Unity Model of Marriage. An emphasis on the meaning of existence in the physical world could be briefly summarized in the beginning to help the students grasp the concept of the spiritual world. Much of the materials in class are being taken at a corporeal level of thinking, but it hasn’t been drilled in our minds as to why we strive so hard for a Unity Model of Marriage.
Advice to Future Generations
Do not procrastinate! Every student has learned their lesson many times in the past and James’s class is not for procrastinators. To be thorough and present an excellent paper to the entire internet, you should begin early enough where you can do research and editing without rushing. When a report is done at the last minute, it is easily detected and you have to remember that your report will be posted for everyone and anyone to read. Get you report done at least a week or two before the due date so that you can elaborate, erase, or double check each link to make sure they all work.
Section F: Links
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-home.htm
G25 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm