Unity 20 Examples of Anti-Unity Values (AUVs)

PSY 409b November 30, 2006

Anti-Unity Values

By Christina Delapena

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl (2006). Lecture notes version 12a on the Unity Model of Marriage, Everyday Iím Yours More and More. Section 20.

I. Anti-unity values

a. Ideas or actions that prevent a couple from external/internal unity.

b. Examples:

i. Accepting the idea that it’s okay to “agree to disagree” about some things.

ii. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults.

II. Table 9 of the Lecture Notes - Examples of Anti-Unity Values

· Living together unmarried

· Having children out of wedlock

· Making each other jealous on purpose

· Adultery for various reasons

· Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

· Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

· Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

· Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

· Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

· Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

· Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

· Manipulating partner through deception

· Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

· Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

· Girls only or boys only entertainment

· Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

· Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

· Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

· Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

· Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

· Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

· Making it look like what women say and think as less important

· Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

III. Accepting the idea that it’s okay to “agree to disagree” about some things.

a. Promotes separate attitudes about certain issues, such as politics, sports, or family.

b. Need to discuss resolving disagreements if partners are motivated to achieve external/internal unity.

c. Disagreements of opinion or attitude, if accepted permanently, prevent unity because disagreement has assumptions and attitudes behind or within it.

i. May lead to avoidance and separation in that area.

IV. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults.

a. Anti-unity because partners aren’t free to influence one another in personality traits.

b. In unity, partners are motivated to become for the other what the other wants and needs.

i. Wives strives to please her husband, get to know his tastes, sense of humor, preferences, and etc. so that she can make him happy and feel attached to her.

ii. Husband strives to make wife feel comfortable and content by stopping behaviors and traits that upset her and obtain new behaviors that she likes.

iii. Both husband and wife are striving to change for the other so that they could become one.

iv. If husband insists on not changing, he is the one limiting to how close and intimate the couple can grow.