PSY 409b October 3, 2006

Why Men Are Men

By Christina Delapena

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Coleman, Joshua Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin's Press). Reviewing pages 150 181.

I. Seeking Status

a. People define a man's success in economic and social terms more than in being a husband or father.

i. Most men say they value their families over their jobs but are unable or unwilling to put these on top.

b. Men get confused and feel resentment when wives complain about being preoccupied at work.

i. If wife wants things (new car, vacation, etc.), then he needs to work for it.

c. Men worry that they will lower their status if they stay home because other men are busy improving their careers.

II. Empathy

a. Empathy: the ability to sense or feel what others are thinking and feeling.

i. Women feel this more than men.

b. Girls grow up to be more fair and understanding, being sensitive to feelings of others while boys are less frequently socialized like this.

III. Biology

a. Evolutionary psychologists

i. Believe differences in reproductive opportunity and strategy affect each gender's approach to sex, reproduction, parenting, and long-term relationships.

IV. Do Fathers Really Care Less about Parenting than Mothers?

a. Anthropologists

i. Believe that men's lowers investment in their children over other activities could have ancient roots to establishing paternity.

b. Men bring more involvement into their children because of women.

i. Women (in U.S.) have more social/financial power to get men more involved.

V. Resistance Over What to Do

a. For men, doing something because they're told to suggest they have low status; refusing to do the task asserts interindependence.

VI. Communicating in the Marriage

a. Listening

i. Women use more eye contact, ask questions, and offer encouragement (smile, laughing, agreeing).

ii. Men use less eye contact and don't ask questions or reassuring sounds; they rather give advice, challenge, or make suggestions.

b. Asking for help

i. Men less likely to disclose emotions for fear of humiliation or shame; ashamed to ask for help = weakness.

ii. Men also demonstrate concern and talent through problem-solving but can leave them feeling hurt, belittled, or insignificant if wife rejects their advice or help.

c. Rank, housework, and parenting

i. Men make excuses, avoid, and evade family work to prove he has status and you have no right to ask.

ii. Understand him to make him change.

d. Ask, don't tell

i. Men are sensitive to suggestion that they are lower of status; state requests as requests and not demands.

e. Negotiate standards

i. Women commonly experience men as being uninterested or uninvolved when men are being simply involved in a different way.

ii. Wife needs to realize that the husband will have different standards for parenting.

f. Don’t over-manage

i. Wife acts as manager over the house and children, therefore men wait for instructions.

ii. Manage in a way that doesn't leave husbands feeling shame or inadequate.

VII. Lazy Husband Excuses

1. "I earn more than you and therefore shouldn't have to do anything when I get home."

2. "I'm too tired to help."

3. "I don't know how to."

4. "I contribute in other ways. I shouldn't have to do both.

VIII. Sex

a. Reproductive standpoint

i. Women see sex as less important as in means to pass on their genes their genes once a pregnancy or child arrives; men see sex as more opportunities to pass on their genes than those who were less interested.

ii. Men commonly express their deepest emotions through making love.

iii. Stress and anger may lessen a woman to want to have sex while men are wired to be ready whenever an opportunity comes.