+
The Instructions for this Report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 4, 6, 9, and10
The Question I am
Answering is Question 3:
(a) Select at least one
student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as
listed in the
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each of the
selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
(c) Summarize what they say
they gained from doing their reports.
(d) How do their ideas
influence what you yourself think about these issues?
(e) Would it be useful to
teach this course to high school students? Explain.
A.) Student’s Reports
Generation 20-- Ruby Engelbrecht (Report 3)
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/ruby_skies/report3.htm
Generation 21--
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/garhartt/409b-g21-report2.doc.htm
Generation 22-- Hiroko
Kikuchi (Report 2)
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kikuchi/409b-g22-report2.htm
B.) Summarization
Ruby Engelbrecht
In Ruby’s report, she focuses on the AUV’s in society today, but is going to analyze them in the
television series “Sex in the City.” Before she discussed her findings, she
gave her feelings on the Unity Model, described exactly what Gender Unity is,
and she wrote her thoughts on this Unity Model of Marriage. In her opinion, she
wrote as if it was one of the most wonderful things two partners could do,
which would be to follow this model. She compared gender relations to this
quote, “The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.” I
really liked how she used this in order to describe relations between a man and
a woman. I thought that was very accurately done.
Ruby then went on and gave her opinion on the oral
presentations given in her class. She felt that these presentations were a good
way to get people in the class involved in discussions. I really enjoyed
reading the summary of the first oral she talked about, which was by Suzanne
Howard. I thought all of the romance mathematics, shopping math, happiness,
discussion techniques, etc., in relationships were
very amusing. But the funny thing about all of those is that are all pretty
accurate and true for most people.
Ruby then described what anti-unity values were. Her
definition said that they are “any part of the three-fold self of an individual
that is opposing to unity values”, and she listed all of the AUV’s that we have all also listed in our reports this
semester. She wrote down how she evaluated each AUV while she watched Sex in
the City. She gave a chart to illustrate exactly how she went about this
process. She listed in the chart that she first looked for the action displayed
on the show, identified the AUV, and finally evaluated what she saw as a whole.
In her next section, titled ‘Reviews’,
was a very interesting and fun section to read. The first one that I read said
how this particular reviewer compared this television series to Playboy in the
1950’s. I would never have thought of it this way, but now that I think of it, that is a completely logical statement to be made. I
found it almost disgusting to see how on Ruby’s chart, she basically listed
almost every AUV on the list and was able to give an example from the show.
Then I read how this show was becoming more and more popular, so all this is
doing is teaching individuals all of these AUV’s. No
wonder there are so many relationship issues out there today!
He then went on and explained Dr.
James’ “Doctrine of The Wife Chart” which explains how a couple needs to be
conjoined as one. He gave the husband’s, wife’s, and
the couple’s perspective from this chart. In this chart, the husband can show
no acts of selfishness, and the wife teaches the husband how to align to love
and not follow the cultural norms. The next chart, Deborah Tannen’s
“Gender and Discourse”, illustrates how language between couples and cultural
norms can affect gender differences. He gave the man’s perspective and the
woman’s perspective relating to these concepts. Everyone is different when it
comes to conversation, according to Tannen. The last
chart, Dr. Laura’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, focuses on
improving all gender relationships from the role of the wife.
In
Hiroko Kikuchi
This student first answered the
question on why a couple may get along real well, laughing and having fun, then
have a disagreement, and all of a sudden, show complete disrespect for one
another. Her answer from the start was because they couple has not reached the
Unity Model yet. She gave a further explanation using all three models of
marriage. She then defined the all the levels within the three-fold self
because all of these operate a couples interactions towards each other. Her
response to the question of why a couple shows disrespect after an argument is
because the couple is only at the sensorimotor level
when they are laughing and enjoying the company of one another. Once they get
into conflict, the man remains at his own self-focus while the woman is trying
to lead the man out of that into her own thoughts and feelings. The man has to
give up his ideas in order for the conflict to be “truly” resolved.
She then showed the ennead chart to
illustrate where a couple is stuck when they get into arguments. She exemplified
that the couple gets stuck in the Equity Model. In zones 4, 5, and 6, the
couple does not dominate one another, but they are not as close to one as they
could be if they were in the Unity Model. She then went on to explain the chart
of behavioral indicators in a relationship. She once again explained this chart
through the three different marriage models and used the three-fold self to
explain exactly why these interactions happen. Through her field observations,
she created her own chart from what she saw from other individuals.
Her next section was based on AUV’s. She chose three different TV sitcoms in order for
her to observe these AUV’s. The TV shows were
“Friends”, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, and “Family Guy”. She took different
scenes from each sitcom and wrote down the AUV that she saw. She then took each
level of the three-fold self and described why each AUV was occurring. I think
she did a very good job in this section. Each part was accurately described
with a thorough-explanation of each AUV. In her conclusions, she was very
surprised to see how many AUV’s she found as a whole. She was also disappointed to see that
many, especially when they popped up in her favorite TV show. She thinks that AUV’s show up so much in the media because people are not
aware that they are an AUV.
Hiroko chose 6 different reports
from the previous generation, summarized, and gave her thoughts and feelings on
their reports. Again, she did another field observation to examine the
three-fold self within a couple’s relationship. She decided to observe her
neighbors who have been married for 32 years. Her focus of observation was
based on the sensorimotor dominance vs. sensorimotor equity vs. sensorimotor
unity, cognitive dominance vs. cognitive equity vs. cognitive unity, and the
affective dominance vs. affective equity vs. affective unity. She found that
the couple was in all various zones, not just one main area. She thinks that
this couple can reach the Unity Model, although, it might be difficult for them
because of their cultural backgrounds and norms since they do have an
interracial marriage.
C.) Student’s Views on Reports
Ruby concluded that she believes
television shows filled with AUV’s, such as Sex in
the City, are being shown possibly due to feminist movements. If men do not
change at all, women are going to try and make their point across and do
something about it. Therefore, shows like this one come about to make that
noticeable to men. But I do not really think men will view this in that way.
She also thinks how more peaceful this world would be if people would find
gender unity within relationships. However, she thinks this will be very hard
to happen because the amount of self-evaluation will require a lot of work.
At the end of
Hiroko did not give her opinion so
much after doing her report. However, she did write of her understandings of
the three different models. In her words, for the dominance model, the man is
basically the leader of the household and the wife must follow the husband in
whatever he does. If she does not, she could get hurt physically and/or
emotionally. The equity model is a model where the husband and wife are pretty
much on the same page rights-wise. She thinks many couples are comfortable in
this model and husbands can be satisfied here as well as the dominance model.
The Unity Model takes a very long process and years and years to reach. Some
may never reach it. Husbands must be spiritual and rational in order to follow
this model, and a couple believes their relationship will go on for eternity
along with life after death.
D.) My Thoughts on Student’s
Reports
I think the reports I read were very well done. It
is good and knowledgeable to read other student’s opinions on the same topics I
have been learning throughout the semester. It is also fun to read because it
is a very interesting topic, and a topic almost everyone wants to learn more
about. Overall, I agreed with all of the findings and opinions I read from the
other generations’ reports. I also enjoy seeing different questions asked each
generation so it does not get old or boring to read the same thing over and
over again. I also like it best when I find a report that was written from a
guy’s perspective. It’s always nice to see how a guy feels about the same
information being taught. I actually really enjoyed doing this section of my
report. I hope future generations feel the same way if they end up reading one
of my reports.
E.) Unity Model of Marriage
Taught in High School
I strongly believe that if this class was taught at
an earlier age, there would be a decrease in the amount of arguments and fights
that occur in relationships. It may be hard for a man at that young age to
comprehend or want to believe what is being taught, but he will have such a
broader outlook on how relationships are in the world today. Especially today,
young kids NEED some type of guidance in relationships. Sex is occurring more
frequently at younger and younger ages today. Teenage boys are not even caring
about relationships, all they want is to experience
sex. This should not be happening! I think this is extremely wrong.
If adolescents and older teenagers
had some education on relationships, even marriage, I think it would help them
a great deal. This class has opened my eyes to so much of what the media
presents today, I turn off half the stuff I see and hear now because of all the
AUV’s that are thrown into the media. Younger kids
are not aware of these. Not only for girls, but I think guys as well will be
disgusted as to how many AUV’s are surrounded around
them. If they start to recognize these, after they learn what they are, I think
it can only better their relationships in the future. I know this course is not
supposed to be based around God or how God wants men to treat women, but I
truly think if this course was taught to men at a young age, they would respect
and want to treat women the way God has designed them to.
The Question I am Answering is Question
4:
(a) Consider Section 21 in the
Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
.
It gives a selection from an article titled
"Secrets to a Happy Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are these good instances
of unity values or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using
Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in
terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.
A.) Summary for “Secrets of a Happy Marriage”
In the first section, which is Secret
number 1 (Full Disclosure of Moneys- No Hidden Accounts), discusses how money
should be handled within a marriage relationship between two partners. It is
pretty simple; DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING from your partner!
No matter what one has earned, even if it is something simple as $20 from
winning Bingo or something silly like that, it should not be hidden from one’s
spouse. One, it will make the other feel as if they cannot trust you. And two,
it will hurt the relationship. If one does not know what the other is making,
or if one is hiding what they are making in a separate account, how will that
ever form unity between a couple. Everything earned
MUST be known by each partner.
The
second secret, (Each Spouse Must Become a Skilled Cryptographer or Develop
Competent Communication Skills), solely is based on, like the title,
communication between a married couple. Men and women are completely different
from one another. In fact, their languages are almost foreign if they cannot
read each other, or know how to communicate well. In order to understand one
another, they MUST clarify what they are saying in order for the other to
understand. Otherwise, there will be arguments and one will get hurt/upset all
because of miscommunication. This is an absolute MUST in order to have a
healthy relationship, especially in society today.
The
last secret to a happy marriage, (Words Empower—Praise Your Spouse Often in
Public and Private), deals with what one spouse says to the other (it could be
good or bad), how those words make them feel, and how one speaks of their
spouse in public or to their friends. Powerful words, comments that make a
husband or wife feel good, are like those statements that parents would give to
one that made them feel like they accomplished something great. Especially,
hearing praiseful words from a spouse in public makes the other feel and know that their spouse values them for who they are. These
strong words are very powerful in a relationship, they will make one appreciate
their spouse more, and it makes one feel good.
B.) “Secrets as Unity Values”
I think that these three secrets to a
happy marriage are good unity values. It’s funny because these 3 different
aspects are looked upon as if they would be almost a given in any marriage, and
couples tend to take them for granted. However, they are also areas where
people must work at in order to make them work. I will give an example. For
money, it is very easy to earn a couple bucks and forget to tell your spouse.
It may not seem like a big deal, but just by telling them, it makes the other
feel like they are being thought of and acknowledging the other as part of the
relationship.
I
think that money is a perfect example for a Unity value, mainly because many
people do not even think of this as a problem in a marriage. However, money can
dig marriages into the ground. If a couple will tell the other spouse, like
stated above, every bit of money that they have, there will be no issues of
trust. In the Unity Model, each partner knows every little thing about the
other. There are no secrets kept. I believe this will bring partners closer as
a couple and draw them closer towards the affective self within the Unity
Model, but only if they take this issue seriously.
I
think the communication secret is actually the hardest one to accomplish within
the couple, mainly because they both have to work at this the hardest out of
the three. Once they do understand how to read each other and recognize what
the other means, they will easily be able to reach this Unity Model with no
problem. Once a couple can communicate effectively, with no misunderstandings
of the other, it will become a unity value. At this point, each of the partners
will be able to read each other, knowing how the other feels, therefore,
reaching the cognitive and affective levels of the threefold self in the Unity
Model.
I
do not think this last secret should be difficult for a couple if they really
care about and love one another. At least in my experiences, I always want to
say nice things to my boyfriend just because I like, and I know it makes him
feel good. He does the same for me. Even when I talk to my friends, I never say
anything negative about him, and I know he doesn’t either because his friends
will tell me how much he says he loves me. These praiseful words are unity
values because it is showing respect towards the one the partner loves. It also
shows that a partner can count on the other when they are out in public. They
know they will not be made a fool of or degraded in front of others.
C.) Advice to Couples
After looking on the Web, one of the first
sites I came across was an article saying how the first year of marriage will
be the most difficult. A lot of couples will begin to worry they made a mistake
and they think that they may have fallen out of love. All of those thoughts are
normal. A honeymoon cannot last forever, but the love and the passion that a
couple experienced on a trip can form a strong foundation towards one another
for what is about to come. Also, true love is NOT based on feelings.
All
written above are words of advice to newlywed couples. I do believe that the
first year will be very difficult for a couple because I am sure they will
notice things about one another that they never knew before. And yes, it is
true that a honeymoon cannot last forever. A couple must come back to the real
world some time. Everything else given, such as thinking one made a mistake
marrying the one they loved and true love not being based on feelings, is not
anything close to the Unity Model. The husband must get over what he wants at
the beginning of the marriage. He is in a strong committed relationship now,
and must do what his wife wants and needs.
Now,
I have to strongly disagree with the statement— True love is NOT based on
feelings. This is not accurate within the Unity Model. In order to reach the
highest level of the threefold self, and the most satisfying, happy feeling one
can reach here on Earth is the Affective level. The affective level pertains to
how one FEELS. How can true love NOT be based on feelings? A person does
everything BASED off of their feelings. One thinks the way they do because of
how they feel. One acts and shows how they think based on HOW they feel. Whomever gave this advice online is not giving very good
advice to those who need it the most.
A
different article that I found had much better advice than the previous one.
This author’s main idea for advice to ALL married couples, or soon to be wed,
was that there is going to be differences and disagreements throughout life. If
they are solved together naturally, it will deepen the love within a couple.
Even
though this article doesn’t fully go along with the Unity Model, it is much
easier to work with. This one at least focuses on the love between two
partners. In the Unity Model, there should rarely, if ever, be any
disagreements between the couple. No matter how badly the husband disagrees
with his wife, he must find a way to accept and understand where his wife is
coming from. He then needs to agree with her so there is no more confrontation
between the two. Yes, there will be differences disagreements in everyone’s
lives.
That
is why I think this model is so great though, and I wish that everyone could
learn about it. There does not HAVE to be arguments, differences, or disagreements
in a couple. If they would follow this model, there would rarely/never be any.
This would help save so many marriages from divorce, and I know people would be
much more happier than they are today in their
marriage.
The Question I am Answering
is Questions 6:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of
loves as explained there.
(b) Compare this spiritual
idea of sex to the idea of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists.
Find some examples on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles
(give full reference).
A.) Love of the Sex and Love
of One of the Sex
I am first going to
describe what the Love of the Sex is and then distinguish it from the Love of
One Sex. First, ALL people are born with hellish and heavenly traits for every
single thing that they do. The Love of the Sex is one of those “hellish” traits
and is also know as “roaming”. Words given in the diagram to depict this type
of sex are indiscriminate, exploitative, promiscuous, and natural-sensuous. The
last description is one of the most important to explain this sex because
having love of the sex is a trait natural in all human beings, actually in
animals too. This sex is based solely on physical and sensational aspects and
the activity of sex in itself. One does not get out of this natural-sensuous
state until they have reached conjugial love, which I
will go into more depth later.
The Love of the Sex, according to the diagram in the Lecture Notes, is based on
people loving oneself for the sake of self, loving the world for the sake of
the world, loving oneself for the sake of the world, and loving the world for
the sake of oneself. Everything basically revolves around one person, no one
else matter but oneself. So, this type of love would not affect how the person
one would have sex with because thoughts and feelings are only based on that
person’s gratification. This type of love is not conjunctive between a Husband
and a Wife. There is no unity being built if one partner’s view of sex is based
on only his feelings. A couple cannot conjoin or form this mental union until
each partner can be fully committed to the other, even in the mind, during sex.
Even though a man may have sex with his wife, if he is having any thoughts
concerning another woman, then those are hellish thoughts.
The natural-sensuous state, within the Love of the Sex, can also be viewed as
non-exclusive, feeling good, and this sex feels good with many (sometimes
anyone of the opposite sex). This sex does not have to be exclusively with one
individual, usually the significant other. The partner will enjoy it anytime,
anywhere. Almost every couple will begin a marriage with the Love of the Sex.
They must form that mental union and mental spirit in order to progress into
the other type of Love… The Love of One of the Sex.
The Love of One of the Sex is a “heavenly” trait and is also known as conjugial love. In the diagram, in the Lecture Notes, the
words used to describe this type of love are marital, conjugial,
celestial, and spiritual-sensuous. Now, unlike natural-sensuous, in the Love of
the Sex, one must work in the relationship in order to get to this
spiritual-sensuous state. There must be mental unity between the partners in
order for this spiritual-sensuous state to occur. A couple will now love others
for the sake of others. There is no more selfishness between individuals.
Actually, the couple is longer two individuals, but rather one mind in two
different bodies. This spiritual-sensuous state helps build and form a couple
to appear as if they are one person from far away.
The Love of One of the Sex ONLY feels good with one person. If one partner has
ANY such thoughts of another while having sex or even on a regular basis, it
will only threaten or damage the relationship. All of those thoughts of another
female must be rejected out of the mind, let alone even enter the mind. This type
of love is what humans were created to become. They are naturally born for Love
of the Sex, but we were designed to gradually begin to Love One of the Sex in
our spiritual minds. Humans differ from animals because we can reach this state
of Love of One of the Sex, they cannot.
B.) Society’s View of
Sex Today
It is very rare to find
anyone who for the Love of One of the Sex. It may be because many people out
there have not been introduced to the concept, although, I do not think it
needs to be said in writing in order to just only have feelings for one person
during sex. I think that a majority of humans today are heavily influenced by
the media. Men especially cannot resist when then see a half naked lady on a
cover of a magazine to stare at it, or if a pop-up on the internet saying
“click me, click me” in order to go to a pornographic website. It is very hard
for men to resist when they are surrounded by it, and when they think that it’s
“okay” to fantasize about other women, even when they are in a relationship.
Most men are told that it is wrong to look at women this way, but no one
actually ever says they shouldn’t think about other women when they are having
intimate sexual relations with the women they “love”.
I do not think men are even consciously aware that they think of other women
while having sex with the one person they care about the most. It’s not common
to hear someone say, “Do not think about the other women while you have sex
with her.” And it is VERY unlikely to hear the woman they are having sex with
EVER say that. Men just do not realize they do it, or some may know they do and
don’t think anything of it. This is a huge problem in the world. Now, there are
those select people out there that are aware of this, but it is not very common
to see or hear.
Here are a few websites
discussing sex today from a therapist’s point of view:
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/196/story_19684_1.html
Oddly enough, I did not think I would find a counselor, Gina Ogden, on the web
that agreed so much on sex and spirituality being connected. Apparently, she
didn’t believe the world felt that way either. She actually took a survey found
that nearly 4,000 felt there had to be a strong connection between sex and
spirituality in the bedroom. I found this very shocking because for some
reason, I did not think many people felt this way. I think mainly because of
how society is brought up today and how the whole world and media seems to
revolve around sex.
Gina worded it very well on why people today to not link sex and spirituality
together. It is because people look at spirituality as something good or
heavenly, whereas, sex is viewed as dirty or wrong since our culture brings it
about that way today. People almost feel wrong for having sex since society has
given it this grimy image. But the enlightening thing that a lot of people need
to realize is that sex is a part of our nature. It is supposed to have
spirituality attached to it. It is not something wrong to do, unless sex is
used in the wrong way… which is the love of sex. If all sex in all human beings
would see sex as the Love of One of the Sex, there would not be any problems.
Gina said it is very hard for girls today growing up because they are
surrounded by media and people saying, “Sex is dirty; sex is bad.” This makes
it very difficult for a girl to grow up not knowing what the right view about
sex should be. She describes the “cultural missionary position.” This is when a
couple finally gets married, after living together before marriage, and all of
a sudden, women can not be equal anymore. Both partners feel as if they have to
change everything they do in life, either to make a statement and show who’s boss or just because they feel they have to change.
Your Troubled Sex Life
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/59
I chose Dr. Phil as a therapist to see his view on sex in marriage
relationships. He always has very interesting (shall I say wrong) things to
say, that always seem to exploit women in some way. His first bit of advice
dealing with problems with sex is that it is not the foundation for a healthy
relationship. He said that sex engages people one to be vulnerable,
and it is not something that should be forced upon a partner. I was surprised
when I saw him actually give advice to the men for once. He said that they
should not be aggressive or argue with their wife throughout the day and then
expect to get what they want in the bed at night. But then of course he
continues by telling the men IF they want good sex (he said sexual intimacy),
then they must have similar emotions towards their wife and create a good,
strong, healthy pattern of a loving relationship. He would not tell the men
that if it dealt with any other topic. It is because all men have love of the
sex, and that is what makes a man happy.
Dr. Phil went on to say how if a man’s relationship with his wife seemed to
have no problems, then he wasn’t making sex a priority, and THAT was the cause
of the problem. The Husband needs to put sex back into his life. Now, I do not
think any man just forget about sex. Actually, I find it quite amusing that he
would say a man WOULDN’T make sex one of his priorities. That is one thing that
men think about constantly, EVERYDAY, whether they are conscious of it or not.
I think that is ridiculous. The real problem is that the husband is not making
his wife his priority and making her feel like she
wants to become intimate with him. (The male’s definition of
intimacy of course.) I actually thought Dr. Phil was going to have some
words of wisdom for once, but I cannot agree that he did on this topic.
(a) Make up a game of any kind that can
be played by a couple or several couples in a group. The purpose of the game is
to teach couples how to observe their interactions in terms of conjunctive vs.
disjunctive -- see explanations given in the Lecture Notes, e.g.:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#Table%201b%20and%201c
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a_Part_5:_Monitoring
(b) Describe the game and its theory.
(c) Test the game with other people. Describe the results
and give recommendations.
A.)The Conjunctive/Disjunctive Interaction Card Game
The Cards
Conjunction=
C
Disjunction=D
Negation, Denial, Refusal Cards à Let’s Go To the Movies
Tonight…
C=
Alright, if that is what you want to do. D=
Let’s go out to dinner instead.
That
is NOT what my mother thinks. She feels very different on that issue…
C= Okay, I will agree with you. You are correct. D=
No, you are wrong. She thinks….
These
are not the right directions to get to Bob and Cathy’s house…You need to make a
left here.
C= I see what you are saying now. I agree with you. D=
Yes, these are the right directions.
You have told me this story about your brother before…
C= That’s strange that I didn’t
remember telling you. Thank you , you are right.
D= I did not already tell you this.
Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies Cards à Daddy got a special gift for his little girl, but he told her
not to tell Mommy. C or D ??
D because the father would
not hide something from his wife.
C= Father would tell/ask his wife before he gave something to
their daughter. He would not hide it from her.
A man is having lunch
with his friends thinking in the back of his mind during conversation that his
wife is there with beside him. C or D ??
C because
he needs to speak to his friends the same way he would if his wife were
listening. Since he is imagining his wife were right next to him, he is not
going to speak any differently to his friends although she is not beside him.
D= He speaks
to his guy friends in a way his wife would not agree with or like.
The husband hides
something from his wife because he does not want to hurt her, so he lies
instead of telling the truth. C or D ??
D because
any type of untruthful act is a form of disjunction. The wife needs to know and
feel she can trust her husband.
C= The husband NEVER tells her lies or hides anything from her.
He knows that she would not approve of this, and it would hurt her.
Abusiveness, Swearing, Yelling à Wife: “I really want to go to the movies, hunnie. I want to go out tonight for once.
Please?”
Husband: “AH
jeez, you wine to much. You know that? But yessss, we can go.” C OR
D???
C: Husband’s response would be more like, “Yes, of course
sweetheart. I would love to go.”
D: This is
disjunctive because he is telling his wife that she wines too much. Making her
feel like she is never satisfied with anything the couple does. Even though he
is agreeing to go with her, he should not use those terms aimed directly at his
wife.
à Husband: He raises his voice,
grabs her shoulder and turns her around so she is facing him, “LISTEN to me
when I’m talking to you!”
Wife: She has
a scared look on her face and still does not respond because she is upset from
him earlier for treating her poorly. C or D???
C: Husband’s response would be, “Hunnie, I am
really sorry for earlier. Can you please just turn around and look at me so we
can work this out?”
D: This is disjunctive because raised his voice and
was forceful with his wife. Depending on the situation, it could be viewed as
abusive because he could have physically hurt/harmed her.
à A wife keeps
trying to call her husband on the phone after they got into an argument. The
Husband refuses to pick up the phone. The wife is unsure if something is wrong
with his phone or if he is just ignoring her. She does not know what to do?
<<The Husband is refusing to talk with her.>>
C or D???
C: No
matter what the argument was about, even before it got so far that they were
disagreeing with one another about everything, the husband needed to put all
his opinions to the side and try to understand where his wife was coming from
and agree with her.
D: This
is disjunctive because the husband is showing silence from his partner. He is
unwilling and making the decision to refuse to talk with her about the problem.
à Wife:
“Wasn’t that really funny about what happened to my mom last week?”
Husband: “Wait. What happened to your mom again? Did you tell me this story?” C or D???
C: The husband would not have to ask if he was
already told this. He should remember nearly everything his wife talks to him
about. If he doesn’t he is not showing respect for her, and he is making it
emotionally straining for the wife to explain it over again.
D. This is disjunctive because he acted like he had not heard what she was
talking about. Either something else was on his mind while she was telling the
story, or he just didn’t care enough to listen to her because it was not
pertaining to him.
After the Husband Disturbs his Wife; Not
Making Up Adequately Enough
à The husband was supposed to pick up something for
his wife at the store that was very important for her to receive today. If she
didn’t pick it up today, there was no other day for her to get it. The Husband
forgot. He felt incredible awful. He told her it totally slipped his mind, and
he would do absolutely ANYTHING to make it up to her. He knew that he should
not be forgiven, and nothing he could do would make up for it. He just wanted
to do something to see her smile again and make her feel happy. He had no idea
what he could do except feel like scum for forgetting the ONE thing his wife
needed. C or D???
C: This
is actually conjunctive. Even though he forgot, he made it clear that he knew
he could not do anything to make up for it and he shouldn’t be forgiven because
there was no reason for him to forget. But he was willing to do anything to
help her rise to happiness again. People do make mistakes even in the Unity
Model, but as long as they acknowledge it, and do what they can to make up for it,
it can still be a form of conjunction. To make sure this is conjunction,
however, he can never make this mistake again.
D: The husband would have forgotten what his wife needed, but he would probably
just say “I’m sorry; it happens; people make mistakes.” He would not
acknowledge how his wife felt and would certainly not do anything to make up
for it.
à A
husband went out of town for work over the weekend, even though it was his and
his wife’s anniversary. The husband actually forgot about it, and when he
returned home, he walked into his home with a beautiful dinner cooked for him,
a few gifts, and a room lit with candles. He had no idea what was going on. He
just thought his wife missed him. Once he realized, he was honest with his wife
and told her he forgot. She was heartbroken. He bought her numerous gifts,
flowers, chocolates and gave them to her to make up for it, but it didn’t
matter to her. He told her, “I know this will not even come remotely close to
making up for how I hurt you, but you deserve every bit of this, and I will do
whatever it takes to see you happy again. I’m so incredibly sorry.”
C or D???
C: Once again, this is conjunctive. He made it known to her that even though he
bought all of those gifts to her, they still could not
make up for the mistake he made.
D: The husband would feel bad, but he would not go out
of his way to make his wife feel better. And if he would buy her a lot of
gifts, he would think that should be enough to make up for his mistake.
à A husband went
out with his friends one night to a bar. He got really drunk and started
talking to another woman. He did not do anything with her but talk, but after
his wife got worried about him not coming home, she walked into the bar with
him flirting with this other woman. The wife got furious and left. The next
morning, the husband apologized for what he had done. He said, “You know that I
do not love anyone but you. I will not do it again. But please know that I do
love you. If you love me too, as much as you say you do, I know you will
forgive me.” C or D???
D: This is disjunctive because the husband thinks in his mind that he can get
away with whatever he wants by the excuse… “If you love me, you will forgive
me.”
C: This entire setup would never be conjunctive because the husband would not
go out with his friends without his wife being there with him. But in the
morning, if it were to be conjunctive, the husband would tell the wife that he
knows there is nothing he could do to make up for his mistake. He would let her
know how hurt he is by his mistake for hurting her, and he would do anything to
make it up, even though nothing he can do will make up for what was already
done.
à The
husband and wife got in an argument about money before the husband left for
work in the morning. The husband stormed out of the house saying, “I don’t care
anymore. I don’t want to talk about this. I am doing the best I can. Maybe I
should just quit my job, then let’s see where we’ll
be.” This comment really disturbed the wife and made her feel like she did
something very wrong. When he came home, he did not try to explain himself. He
went straight to her and let her know what he said was completely out of line.
He said she had ever right to say what was on her mind and to be concerned. C or D???
C: This is conjunctive (AFTER he got home, NOT during the argument) because he
did not justify his reasons for saying the things he did. He let the wife know
that he was wrong and had no place to say the words that came out of his mouth.
D: The husband would still think he was right for arguing with her. If the
topic was still brought up, he would still stick with what he thought was right
and would make the wife feel even worse than she already did from his comments.
He would not back down until the wife agreed with him, or he would not talk to
her to avoid the conflict.
B.) The Rules and Objectives
The objective of
the game is to test one’s knowledge of the concepts conjunctive interaction and
disjunctive interaction that occurs between couples in a relationship. The
person/group who answers the most questions correct wins the game. The game can
be played in groups or individually. At least four people must play the game.
There will be a
dice that is color coded red, yellow, blue, and green. Each color represents a
different pile of cards. Each pile of cards stands for a different type of
interaction that can occur. RED stands for NEGATION, DENIAL, REFUSAL. YELLOW stands for DISLOYALTY, SECRECY, LIES.
BLUE stands for
ABUSIVENESS, SWEARING, YELLING. And GREEN stands for AFTER THE HUSBAND
DISTURBS HIS WIFE and HIM NOT MAKING UP ADEQUATELY ENOUGH.
One will roll the
dice and whatever color is rolled will be the pile from which the card is
pulled. On each card there is a story, sentence, or description of an
interaction between a husband and wife. Whoever rolls the dice will pick up the
card and will read the card out loud. At the end of each sentence/paragraph on
the card, there will be a question, C or D? C stands for conjunctive and D stands for disjunctive. The person who is reading the card
can ask anyone they want out of the players to answer C or D. If they answer
correctly, they must describe why it is either
C
or D, and then give an
answer to how the interaction would be if it was the opposite from what the
answer was. For example, if the answer was C, then
the same person would describe how the interaction would be if it was D. If the person answers it
correctly, it is now their turn to roll the dice.
If the person
answers the question incorrectly, the person reading the question turns to
someone else and continues to do so until someone gets the question right. If
no one can answer the question correctly, then the person who read the question
will get to roll again.
C.)
Testing the Game
This was actually
a really interesting game when I played it. It was fun though because my
boyfriend came out to visit me over Thanksgiving, so I got to play it with him
while he was here. The way we played though was with four people but with two
couples. So, it was my boyfriend and I, then my best friend and her boyfriend.
It was funny though because I did not have any dice that was colored like this.
Instead we played with regular dice and represented the numbers for the four
different interactions instead, which worked too. At first, before the game was
played, I told everyone that this was a project for school. I told everyone the
difference between conjunctive and disjunctive behavior, gave them examples,
gave them the four different interactions that were going to be used in the
game, and gave them examples of those interactions.
It took some time
before they understood for sure, but they finally got it, and we were able to
begin the game. It was quite amusing after the game started to go on for
awhile. It was easy for mostly all of them to get the first question, but
giving the opposite type of interaction started to become difficult for a lot
of them. They were saying it about halfway right, but the answer wasn’t quite
there. Then the two couples started having mini-joking arguments between one
another. I thought it was going to be kind of boring, but it turned out to be
really fun, and we kept playing for awhile. I would recommend to anyone, if
this is one of the questions in future generations to do this question. It is
really fun!
The Question I
am Answering is Question 10:
(a) Explore the Web and the library for
explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur?
Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?
(b) Describe the current practices in
mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life
observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type
activities that are popular.
(c) Can you think of improvements in
these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is
practiced at its best?
A. Mate Selection
According to evolutionary theories, mate selection was designed differently in males and females. Males were designed to go after women based on their physical features, attractiveness, and youth. Whereas, females were designed to select men based on their economic status and how they took care of her and her offspring. Since the number of offspring that a female can produce is limited, compared to males, she would want to make sure she has a stable man who can provide her and her offspring with enough resources. In order to make sure the woman gets this from her man, she will need to select a man who is willing and able to provide enough resources for her to ensure that she and her offspring will survive. Now, men on the other hand, do not have the same strategies to find a mate as women. Men will look for a woman who has signs that she will be capable to reproduce. These signs could be youth and symmetry (which is an indicator of good health).
Theoretical
studies have shown that evolutionary mate choice selection was designed in
humans in order to reduce genetic variance among people. If brothers and
sisters were designed to mate with one another, there would be a greater
likelihood of illness and disease because they are mixing their genes together.
Therefore, making it easier for parasites to infect the body and create a short
lifespan for each individual. In a theoretical study, the two main strategies
one looks for in a mate are similar likes between the two, attractiveness, and
a mate who has the best available genes. “God always joins together those who
are similar,” which was stated in the book Odyssey (XVII, 218), can also be
contributed to the reasons of whom we select for mate choice. In the past,
theoretical studies have given the explanation of mate choice to be a matter of
being random. However, quite recently, computer simulations involved in
experimentation with mate choice have proven that not to be possible. Other
characteristics that can take into account for mate selection are age, IQ,
height, weight, nationality, education, occupation status, physical attributes,
and personality features.
Humans
place a larger emphasis of attractiveness to the visual aspect of a face. A
study was conducted showing that people are attracted to people that have
similar facial features as themselves. It also showed that people remembered
faces of those who had the same race and looked to show the same ethnicity.
Couples faces resemble one another much more than a random selection would.
Sexual reproductive behavior seems to have some relation to the visual features
within a face. Another area that may have a role in mate selection and
attractiveness is imprinting from when humans are young. Memorizing faces when
younger from parents may guide preferences to who people select to be a mate.
However, this hypothesis is still under study and being tested.
B. My Observations of Mate
Choice
I first want to
discuss my observations of mate selection and preference from the male
perspective. Through the early years of adolescence, while I was in middle
school and going into high school, the main feature of a female I noticed that
EVERY guy was attracted to was her breasts. It seemed/s that men would just
“drool” over women who had larger ones than other girls, especially in
middle school when I was younger. Now obviously, men my age now,
still are attracted to this feature, but it seems as if when men begin to
mature, that feature is not their top priority, or main focus, when searching
for a mate. In middle school, I can remember distinctly, all of the girls whose
bodies matured quicker than other females. ALL of those girls would usually
always have a boyfriend. I am not saying if a girl did not have big breasts,
they wouldn’t have a boyfriend, but a majority of the time, those girls with a
larger area at the top, would be more likely to have a boyfriend than a girl
who had not developed in that area yet.
Something
I have come across through my observations, since I have moved to
This
same observation about race and ethnicity goes for females too, and this
observation shows evidence as well to people selecting those who look like
their race. One of my best friends here, who is originally from
There
is one argument that I want to point out from my own observations within my
relationship that I want to disagree on since it seems to be a fact of
statistical date. This is on the fact that women tend to be more attracted to a
man that has a high status of income. This may be true for a lot of women, but
I do not agree with this date because of my own personal experiences. My
boyfriend was not brought up in a family anything near wealthy. He has never
had a lot of money, and I knew that from the start before I began dating him.
What attracted me to him was his amazing personality, his kindness, caring, and
giving towards others… but NOTHING along the lines of money. So, I just want to
disagree with what the data is out there. I do not think women could possibly
be attracted to the thought of money. And for those women who are, they are not
looking for love or that unity together with a person. All they are looking for
are ways to fulfill themselves and make them happy through what they can buy,
and all I see out of that is using another person, which is the last thing from
love. Money does not make a person. In my own personal opinion, money will
destroy a person if they do not know what to do with it.
C. Ideal Practices in Mate
Selection
I think that people
are extremely judgmental today on appearance and focus many of their thoughts
and reasoning based upon the media. The reason why so many people in today’s
culture focus their attention to “sexy” men and women’s physical forms is
because the media shows “perfect” humans and portrays in a way that is the
“correct” way to look in society. If people do not wear what looks “in” or does
not have similar hair styles that are popular, they almost get looked as
shunned upon. This becomes a problem when people are searching for a mate. If
people are judging others on an everyday basis, revolved around the media, then
they are obviously going to look for that “perfect” guy like the one on the
magazine or television. And I hate to say it, but those celebrities or whoever
they are, are just like anybody else in the world. All of them had things fixed
on them through a computer screen if they are in a magazine, they have loads of
make-up on if they are on TV, or they have gotten something put in or changed
through plastic surgery. They are no more or less perfect than other human in
the world, and I think a lot of time, people either forget that or just don’t
even realize it.
In
an ideal community, in order to practice mate selection, the first thing I
would do is take away ANY form of media. Yes, it would be like the old, old
days. The next thing I would do is take away any make-up from girls, so they
could show their true self to a man. That way it would be easy to detect if a
guy is actually going for her true beauty. I would then make sure that either
all men stood at the same economic level or would not be able to tell a woman
where he stood economically. And last, all women have to wear the same
clothing, and all men have to wear the same clothing. I would put different
ethnic groups together and then split them up in some areas so it was mixed
with many. If all of these fell into place, one would be able to determine
EXACTLY what the main feature or characteristic it is that men and women look
for when trying to find a mate. Obviously, this would never happen in real
life, but this could be tested as an experiment to see. They would need to stay
in this area for a long period of time as well, since they need to search and
find that perfect mate, if they would find one at all.
My Report on the Current
Generation
Michael Malala
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/malala/malala-409b-g25-report1.htm
Michael
first gave a list of Anti-Unity Values and then defined AUV’s
in his own words. In his definition he wrote that AUV’s
were any types of actions or words that prevent a successful marriage. They
prevent a couple from having a real bond and will drive the couple apart. He
then went on to summarize reports written by student from previous generations.
Karly, which is the student report he looked at, took
the movie faithful and found the AUV’s depicted in
the movie along with song lyric that also had AUV’s.
The next student, Skip Saito, used the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” along with,
one of my favorite songs, “Confessions” by Usher. Lauren Buchner used the film “The
Story of Us” and the song “Ms. Fat Booty”. The final reaction he came to after
reading all of these reports was that he thinks this world is pretty messed up,
which I would have to completely agree with.
He
then continued with his own reactions from the media and how relationships are
portrayed, along with how society makes them. He used the example of all the
love reality shows on TV today. He said of course there is cheating and
relationship problems with there are going to be these types of shows aired for
the whole world to see. He wrote also how sex is everywhere in the media today,
mainly because “sex does sell”. It is not only in the media but also in sports
as well. He feels that AUV’s, sex, and all the bad
portrayals in relationships today that are being exposed through the media are
harmful for young children. He thinks that parents need to monitor what their
kids watch and hear today.
Lastly,
Mike found articles sex and relationships in the media. The articles dealt with
issues such as young girls trying to be thin, girl’s exposing their breasts, STD’s, AIDS, porn, how parents raise their children, etc. He
then went out to find his own examples of AUV’s. He
chose two television series that are aired on Vh1 called “Flavor of Love” and “Hogan
Knows Best”. In the first show, “Flavor of Love”, the old rapper is looking for
a girl to settle down with. He can choose between any twenty girls. The girls
must do basically whatever he wants, and at the end of each week he has to get
rid of one or two of them. Michael found that this show is filled with AUV’s. From living together with out marriage, to
promiscuity, to making it normal for a man to exploit a woman, etc., it’s
filled with them. All of the behaviors that occur on the show are disjunctive
as well.
He
used a dialogue from the show, “Everybody Loves Raymond”. Mike thinks that the
interaction between Ray and his wife shows how a man can think he can get away
with anything by just saying, “I’m sorry” or “I love you”. It was reading from
a man’s point of view how he thought a man needs to just sit down and be told
what to do. People usually don’t hear men say that. Mike concludes his report
by briefly describing all three of the marriage models. He wrote how he did not
enjoy the length of the reports given in class,
however, he does enjoy doing the outlines and oral presentations in class.
Christine Gora
Christine’s
definition of Anti-Unity Values in her own words show no objection in a
marriage to being spiritually connected to the afterlife. She thinks that AUV’s completely encourage the dominance model and allow
men to fulfill any fantasies or wishes they have about women. She then went on
and reviewed reports of students from previous generations. These students
found examples of AUV’s in movies such as “Unfaithful”,
“Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, “The Story of Us”, “
She
described gender relations within her family. She talked about how her dad is
in the dominance model. She said her dad just wants to have complete control
over her mom and her family. Christine’s mother, on the other hand, is very
religious, and believes religion has the greatest impact on a marriage. Her
mother really feels that her father will be enlightened one day and will
hopefully be able to reach up to the Unity Model. Right now, her mother wants
to be in nothing less than the Equity Model. Christine began to discuss the
media’s impact of AUV’s on children. She thinks that
maturity level should be a requirement for children to have sexual relations or
to even watch such things on television with the decrease in age of sexual
relations among young adolescents.
Christine
continued on to find web sets regarding pre-marital sex and having a child out
of wed-lock. She found many sites that pertained to scripture from the bible
regarding these topics. For her own example of AUV’s
and conjunctive/disjunctive behavior shown in the media, she used the TV show,
also a reality show, “Little People, Big World” as an example. She also took a
dialogue from the play entitled, “Why Did I Get Married?” In this dialogue, she
found that the couple was in the dominance model.