Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl (2006). Lecture notes version 12A on the Unity Model of Marriage, Everyday I’m Yours More and More. Reviewing Section 20 pages 96-100. Online at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm

I. Anti-Unity Values

A. Example 13- “Excepting the idea that it’s okay to agree to disagree”

1. Creates separate attitudes and beliefs between two partners.

2. This prevents unity between a couple because the different beliefs

3. This AUV can lead to avoiding one another because of the difference in though and disagreement

B. Example 14- “ Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults”

1. An AUV because each partner is not allowing the other to influence them.

2. If a couple is aiming towards Unity, they need to do what the other person wants and needs, rather than be unwilling to change.

3. Each partner must learn more about the other in order to change themselves so that they can please them in order to make them happy.

4. If one refuses to change, it only limits the intimacy and unity that can form between a couple.

II. Truly Conjugial Love

A. Partners who were in this state before one partner faces death, some reasons why the other does not wish to ever re-marry again.

1. The development of a spiritual union has already been created.

2. The Unity has made them yearn for that day when they reach Eternity.

3. They are now one spirit in the minds, not two separate people.

4. If one DOES decide to marry again, it is for external reasons only.

B. A person who desires truly conjugial love, but does not find their soul mate on earth.

1. The Lord will provide a similar partner in heaven.

2. These two pairs are prepared and raised for their marriage before the Lord once in Heaven.

3. These two will recognize each other in Heaven and already know they are supposed to be together.

Related Links:

Relationship Enhancement

http://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/problems.asp?sid=254

This article deals with a couple therapist explaining how husbands and wives deal with their relationships through rewarding behavior. If one partner decreases their normal rewarding behavior towards their spouse, the spouse will feel like they are not getting back anything (rewards) from their significant other. This can also work the other way around, where a spouse gives plenty of rewarding behavior, therefore, the other spouse feels like they are receiving plenty of rewards from their partner. Two questions were asked to this therapist, “How can I know what he/she likes?” and “Why should I have to tell him/her what I like? He/she should know what I like without my saying.” I thought these could relate to anti-unity values. One must learn everything about their partner in order to change themselves to please their partner. If a partner is unwilling to let their spouse know something about them, they are only going to stay in this anti-unity stage. They will never be able to move on into the Unity Model of Marriage.

The Guardian

http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/privatelives/story/0,,1813704,00.html

This website has an article from a distressed wife. She is going through menopause and just does not have much of a sex-drive anymore, not like she used to. She went through her husband’s phone and noticed that he has been calling sex lines. She feels like this is a form of prostitution and similar to porn. She does not want to confront him because she feels that she has invaded his privacy. First of all, a man looking at any other women or referring to any type of sexual act that does not involve his wife is an anti-unity value. The main line that stood out for me though was when the wife said that she couldn’t confront him because she thought he was invading his privacy! That couple will never be able to reach the unity model until the two are open about EVERYTHING. He should not have been doing that behind her back. Why should she trust him if he is? What else is he doing? It is just sad to see how so many women are blaming themselves, or not confronting their husbands, because they feel bad, when they didn’t do anything at all.

Conjugial Love

http://www.theheavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/47.htm

This short article describes what will happen to a person after death that had conjugial love with their spouse. This author said however a person felt inside when they left this Earth will remain the same on their inner self once they reach Eternity. If they had good feelings of love, they will have those same feelings after life. If their feelings were bad or had horrible thoughts associated with them, those feelings as well will continue on into the afterlife. Each person has a different sense of love though. I find this article very interesting because it makes me wonder if EVERY feeling one has before they leave Earth will remain the same once we reach heaven. What if someone dies in an agonizing way and has hatred towards a certain individual? Will that person continue to have those same feelings in the afterlife? This website is very useful because it has many different sections relating to what I have learned in class this semester.

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/fields/fields-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm