409b November 30, 2006

Four Patterns Reflecting Behaviors Motivated by the Marriage Model

By: Caitlin Fields

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor Dr. Leon James

Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl (2006). Lecture notes version 12A on the Unity Model of Marriage, Everyday I’m Yours More and More. Reviewing Section 19 pages 95-96. Online at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm

I. “The Four Patterns” (Dominance, Equity, Unity)

1. YES stands for tolerating a difference or disagreement about a particular issue

2. NO stands for absolutely NO tolerance for a difference or disagreement about a particular issue

A. YES, YES, NO

1. Examples

a. The couple deciding which restaurant to go to

b. The couple deciding how to deal with family

A. NO, YES, NO

1. Examples

a. The couple deciding where to live

b. The couple deciding how to deal with children

B. NO, NO, NO

1. Example

a. The issue in a marriage dealing with any type of violence or physical abuse

C. YES, YES, YES

1. Examples

a. What the couple decides to laugh about

b. What the couple feels romantic or sentimental about

II. Contrasting the 3 Models of Marriage

A. Dominance

1. Tolerance of differences and disagreements

2. Goal between the two is peace and comfort

3. Separating the two is normal because of tradition; the male will ALWAYS dominate over the female.

B. Equity

1. Tolerance of differences and disagreements

2. Goal between the two is peace and comfort

3. Live with one another within agreed borders

C. Unity

1. The couple feels awkward or bothered when there is a disagreement between them.

2. Disagreement= Threat to Unity

3. The two will change their affections in order to keep that unity

Related Links:

Why Can’t my Husband and I Get Along?

http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=176697

This article is a perfect example of the dominance model. Here is a wife asking for advice between her and her husband. She explains about a day when her, her husband, and daughter were trying to decide a place to eat for lunch. Her husband wanted fish and chips, and the wife wanted something different, but suggested a place that offered something she wanted along with fish and chips. All she wanted was for him to talk to her, and he would not respond, and all he could say to her was that she was “psycho” for acting the way she was. This wife needs to realize that she has no right to blame herself, and her husband does not love her if he is going to treat her this way. “Why can’t her and her husband get along?” Because HE is only focused on himself! And the relationship is always going to continue in that direction, and probably get worse, until they get out of this male dominance model. This is a perfect example of one the YES, YES, NO patterns where there is always toleration for a disagreement in the dominance model.

Choosing a Place to Live?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061121054355AApGSZc

This articles deals with a woman who is engaged, and the couple is trying to figure out a place to live. The man wants to live at his cousin’s since it is free, but the woman does not. She wants to be able to come home to just her husband after a long day of work, not twelve other people. She told her husband that she would be very unhappy if that’s where they lived once they got married. He will not pick up one of her phone calls. The therapist who is helping her told her that this is pure abuse from the male, and it is only going to get worse once they are married. I want to agree with this. A man who refuses to pick up his soon-to-be wife’s phone calls shows absolutely no respect for the woman he supposedly “loves”. Yes, I am sure he is not aware of the unity model, but he needs to give a little and either find a place they can both somewhat be happy with or do what his wife wants. I just find that horrible from that man that he won’t even discuss this issue with his wife. He does not deserve her, and I hope she does get out of that relationship.

How to Respond to Physical Abuse

http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=429

At the beginning of this article, the author explains how there should never be ANY justification for any type of violence or physical abuse within a family. This could be an example of the NO, NO, NO pattern. Although, this is only from one source, I am pretty sure a majority of all people out there feel the same way. There is also a list of reasons towards the end of the article explaining why women stay in a marriage with a husband who is abusive. Two from the list really stuck out to me, which were “She believes if she can work harder to please him, he will treat her better,” and “He isn’t always brutal… he can be very loving when he’s not abusive.” I feel very bad for these women in these situations because women who are getting treated this way should NEVER feel or WANT to please their husband. And the false idea of believing they will treat them better is absurd. They are not going to change no matter what their wife does for them. Also, a man is NEVER loving if he is abusing his wife. That is NOT love, and it never will be.

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/fields/fields-home.htm

Class Homepage: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm