Report 1
My
Field Observations of Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and
Behavior in Couples
By:
Emily Georgeo
Instructions for this report are at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
G25 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm
Section A: AUVs in the Media
This Table is from:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209
Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often
promoted in the media include:
This is Table 9
1. Living together unmarried
2. Having children out of wedlock
3. Making each other jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's
partner
7. Having a same sex best friend who is
placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is
placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for
fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation
against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities
accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to
"agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not
try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more
important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational
than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are
generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to
exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse
women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have
prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men,
doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say and
think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not
need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her
(the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are
still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
Anti-Unity Values and the Unity Model
of Marriage
Anti-Unity Values in relation to the unity model of
marriage are ways to dominant one another. And though the man is always
the dominating one, a woman can also be “doing” these values that are
detrimental to a marriage. As I read through these values, I notice that
so many of these happen in today’s world, in our own group of friends, on
television, in the music we listen to, maybe even in our own relationships.
These are values that really should change between a husband and wife, because
the marriage will last longer if they look at their lives, their priorities and
the way they were with each other, along how they CAN be with each other.
These values
degrade this model of marriage, by completely tearing apart the threefold
self. These values are saying it is ok to not be conjoined to your
partner. I see so many of these anti-unity values all over the
place. Living together before marriage, children out of wedlock, adultery,
dressing sexy for someone other than your partner, and separate interests and
activities accepted for partners are probably the most common I see.
Nowadays, some of these things are “ok” to do. People are using these
values as a crutch against marriage and against society.
So many people
say it is ok to live together before marriage, but what does it do to your
marriage? Granted you can learn more about a person by living with them,
but why not wait? Marriage is about growing together, about stepping out
of the dominant and equity models of marriage and into that unity model so
husband and wife can be one, as best friends and as soul mates. So they can
have that unity model of marriage and be conjoined with one another on all
levels, and on the threefold self. The husband and wife need to have that
reciprocity for one another. The wife may already reciprocate with her husband,
but now it is the husband’s turn.
Two high school
girls, both pregnant, neither one of them married; will they have that united
marriage with their partner one day? Will they be able to place their
partner first as the unity model says you should, will they be able to
reciprocate the love from their partner, will they be able to share in learning
and loving with their partner if they have this other person in their lives for
so long? This value is probably the most common I see today, having children
out of wedlock. We all think that is so old-fashioned, but it is not that it is
old-fashioned, but a way to have the unity model of marriage.
Adultery. This is
going against everything the threefold self stands for. Against the
cognitive, because you are not thinking about your spouse, only about
yourself. Against the sensorimotor, because you are with someone else,
not your spouse. And against the affective self, because you are only doing
something that gratifies you without your partner’s involvement. This is
a major problem even in dominant and equity model marriages, but in the unity
model of marriage it can completely destroy a successful marriage. Husbands say
they do it because their wife is not offering it as much, but does he think
that he may need to change?
So you can see
that even though I have only paraphrased my thoughts and feelings about three
of the 23 anti-unity values, they can all ruin a unity model marriage in a
heartbeat. Once that joint self is broke whether is making a spouse
jealous, or degrading them in front of friends or family, anti-unity values are
altogether an evil force against such a heavenly bond between man and woman.
These anti-unity values are the hellish values that are in marriages working to
destroy a successful marriage. And in today’s world they are so easily
available, and happening. Husband and wife, should stay in their heavenly bond
for eternity and not let temptations get to them.
Section B: Findings of a Prior
Generation
Carly Kanemaru’s report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/kanemaru/kanemaru-409b-g24-report1.htm
Carly was trying
to show in her report the anti-unity values as being the worse things that can
come between a husband and a wife. Carly’s method was a really easy
method to understand, she used everyday words. Anyone, even if they did
not read the lecture notes, could understand this part of the unity model of
marriage. It was very interesting in that she defined some of the words
that would describe the anti-unity values. I found it a lot easier to
understand some of the anti-unity values. I found it a lot easier to understand
some of the anti-unity values. Carly also used a movie that was very popular
and songs that were number one hits to show the anti-unity values in the media.
Carly’s findings
from her friends were what I would expect. Both of her friends thought
that it was really messed up that the wife would cheat on her husband.
But did they think about what the husband is not doing with his wife?
Carly did. She saw that the husband and wife were not in perfect harmony
with each other and that their threefold selves were not conjoined in order to
make that conjoint self, that which makes them soul mates. The wife in
the movie was the one that was unfaithful; in that going to prove that it is
not always the man that is unfaithful in having affairs. In this case, the
husband was married to his work.
One of the main
things I believe Carly writes about is the portrayal of women and men in media
and how it relates to the anti-unity values. I have not really thought
about it before, how several shows and movies that I watch have almost all of
the anti-unity values in them. Whether the couple is married or engaged,
or even just dating, it is hard to see these values because we are all so used
to them. They are almost a part of some people’s daily lives. Which
if these people are married, is totally against the unity model of marriage.
And can also destroy people’s lives and everyone around them.
Skip
Saito’s report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-409b-g24-report1.htm
In Skip’s report,
he did a lot defining things also. I believe he was trying to show that these
anti-unity values happen a lot in the media, which is part of our everyday
lives. That a lot of the anti-unity values are things we pick up from
television, and this is not the way to make a marriage succeed. I enjoyed
how Skip went from the dominance model to the equity model and explained the
good and the bad about them. And then explained how husband and wife should be
in the unity model of marriage, and that the wife strives for this when the husband
is simply fine with his surroundings and his independence from his wife.
Skip also picked
two songs that were very much in the media at the time he did his report, the
Eminem song and the Usher song, very different yet, very alike. Eminem is a
very dominating person in his music career, so you would think that it also
carries into his marriage. He is always in the tabloids for something he
and his wife are doing, or not doing, and although a lot of people look up to
him, they should not look up to his marriage. He has a dominant view of
things so therefore, that is how is marriage will be. Eminem is a number one
selling artist; he has made numerous songs depicting how he treats his wife,
even talks about killing her, so I can only imagine how his marriage is.
I also found it
interesting that Skip asked both male and female friends, whereas Carly only
asked female friends. His female friends thought that the unity model of
marriage was the greatest thing in the world, and his male friends, not so
great. He thought that maybe his female friends would take the unity model of
marriage for granted and abuse it when his male friends, were very much against
a woman in control of the marriage. When he furthered explained the model to
his male friends, they saw that it was not about control, or the wife running
the marriage, but about husband and wife being conjoined as one.
Lauren
Buchner’s report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/buchner/buchner-409b-g24-report1.htm
I really enjoyed how Lauren made the anti-unity
values in bold throughout her paper. You can really get a good look at how they
are in the media, and how it would affect our lives. Also the movie she chose
was The Story of Us, which I never thought about as being an anti-unity
valued movie before this. I saw many of the anti-unity values in both Lauren’s
paper and then watching the movie again. I had thought they had a somewhat good
marriage, but then after Lauren’s paper, I saw how opposite it was from being
good. Ben and Katie were both at fault for the decline in their marriage; yet,
Ben was the more dominating figure.
I liked how
Lauren chose a very degrading song about women, and then chose one that was not
so degrading. She chose Ms. Fat Booty which is promoting the idea that
women are generally frivolous as a part of their nature and normal for a man to
exploit women, which I think are two of the most commonly anti-unity values
used in songs these days. Rap songs always talk about how women want to go and
spend all their money on all these purses and shoes, and yet, the men give them
the money because they want to make their woman happy. Faithful was the
other song she chose, which talks about how a woman should be treated.
Adriel
Stipek’s report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/stipek/stipek-409b-g24-report1.htm
Adriel, I believe
is the first one to speak of eternal love. And how if a couple wants to achieve
that unity model of marriage they need to keep an open mind and know that they
will be married for eternity. I believe in our world today that is very hard to
do. We ask our significant other, Would you get married again if I passed away?
Usually the partner would say no, but then we state, would want you to be
happy, so marry again if you find love. This is going against everything the
unity model of marriage stands for. A couple should have that eternal love and
the idea of being married for eternity, not just ‘til death do us part.
Adriel was
showing that even in the slightest tones in our voices, or certain things we
say can be an anti-unity value. There were instances in the Sweet Home
Alabama where this happened at. The first scene that she described was Jake
as being dominating and manipulating, because Melanie hesitated when Jake asked
her to marry him. He said “you know that I never ask a question I don’t already
know the answer to.” in this statement he is putting his wants and needs in the
form of manipulation to make him seem like a bigger person, and to put his
feelings first. This is anti-unity value number 16, acceptance of the idea that
men are more important.
Cynthia
Adams’s report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/adams/adams-409b-g24-report1.htm
Cynthia’s method, to me, was more of trying to get the
reader to understand what the unity model of marriage is. She really went
into detail about how the unity model “works.” She discusses how women
are already in this model when they get married, but it is the husband who
really needs to change, and open up to his wife. How he should want to be
that conjoint self with his wife, not just him, but them. I really like
how she says, “External and internal unity can be achieved when couples start
to think as one unit.” That really explains the unity model of marriage.
My
reaction to their papers:
My
first reaction to most of their papers was, “I never thought about that (movie,
television show, song) like that before.” I was really surprised at all
of their views on the different movies and shows. I think a lot of these
anti-unity values are many things that husbands and wives go through while they
are trying to attain that unity model of marriage. While most women
already yearn for this, a lot of women do not understand what it is exactly.
In relating
this to my everyday life: I would/will definitely use this in my
marriage. I am currently married, and I have a son from a previous
relationship, so after reading the sections on having children out of wedlock,
it frightened me a bit because I thought, “I am never going to have a unity
model of marriage, it will always be dominance or equity modeled.” Then I
realized, it does not always have to be one or the other, I just have to work a
little harder in the marriage I have now.
I can
see so many anti-unity values everywhere I go. I can see them in my own
marriage, in my friends and family’s marriages, and I can recognize them a lot
more when I am sitting around watching television. I would not have
noticed any kind of gender discourse, or values that destroyed marriage if I
had not at least read the 23 different anti-unity values. Since most of these
are portrayed in the media I believe they have a huge effect on girls and boys
perception of marriage and relationships.
I
believe that these values could have a major effect on girls and boys’ in
today’s society. They think that having children out of wedlock is fine,
because “everyone else is doing it.” If your best friend is pregnant, you
can either be happy for her, or you can be the same as her, and kids really
want that conformity nowadays. Cohabitation may be just as widespread,
but among the 20 something generations, we all think we know what is best for
us, our parents tell us, “Go ahead and do it on your own, if you think you can.”
Of course we can, it cannot be that hard. Extramarital affairs in
marriages today can lead girl’s and boy’s to think, that it is okay to treat
your husband or wife like that, “my mom and dad did it,” they would think. Why
can’t I? Here are articles they say why you should not.
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=42074
In this article, Larry Elder was in
Cleveland with a friend, and noticed two pregnant teenagers, it was
accepted. For that town, for that time, for that society pregnant
children are just more socially acceptable because “that’s all there is.”
And even though more and more teenagers are getting pregnant, there is less and
less help for them. “According to the
Heritage Foundation, children born outside of wedlock were more likely to
engage in early sexual activity and have children out of wedlock.”
http://www.urban.org/publications/310544.html
In this article, Acs and Nelson give the statistics
and facts about children and how they are affected by living with a parent that
is cohabitating rather than actually getting married.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=950DE3DD143AF93AA35750C0A96F948260
In this last article I found about he
effect of extramarital affairs on children, I actually found this
disturbing. Children do know when there is something different or wrong
with mom and dad but I did not realize that they “may become anxious or frightened, or they may sense rejection and
feel they must have done something wrong.” If a parent truly loved their
child, and even their partner they would think about that person first, rather
than thinking about themselves.
Section C: My Own Findings on AUVs in
the Media
King of the Hill
Hank, Peggy, Bobby and Luane Hill
"Joust Like A Woman"
“Strickland forces Hank to work at a Renaissance Fair sponsored by Strickland
Propane’s biggest customer, Phillip. Peggy, who once taught medieval history,
gladly tags along and tries to regale the crowd with details of medieval times,
explains how women back then lived. She jokes about how medieval women would
have loved vacuum cleaners. But everyone becomes upset because Peggy broke
character by mentioning a modern appliance. They call Peggy a witch, prompting
her to proclaim that it’s a good thing that women’s lib came along. Peggy’s
comments send the crowd into an uproar, and they punish her by locking her up.
Hank doesn’t defend Peggy because the fair uses so much propane, and Peggy is
enraged. Hank finally comes around and ultimately must defend Peggy’s honor
when Phillip challenges him to a joust.”
In this scene Hank is “making it look normal for a
man to exploit women” and “making it look like what women say and think as less
important” because he does not want to hurt the feelings of Phillip, or the
fair-goers because they are using propane. It is whatever Hank says, that
goes. It is portraying that men should have the final say so in a
marriage and whatever the husband says, the wife must obey.
Hogan Knows Best
Hulk, Linda, Nick, and Brooke Hogan
Hogan’s vs. City Hall
“The Hogan family is at war with the town of
Bellaire, Florida over the number of pets they have. The onetime menagerie of
more than a dozen has been whittled down to five animals plus a permitted
rooster after their next-door neighbor complained to the town. But Bellaire
officials are playing hardball: They send the Hogan’s a letter saying the
family is in violation of the town code, and a hearing is scheduled. After
another heated confrontation between Linda and the neighbor's gardener, they go
to the hearing. Will the Hogan’s have to give up their precious pets? Or will
the family stand strong on principle?”
I chose this episode because Terry “Hulk” Hogan
supports his wife in every aspect of their marriage. I really like this
show, because Linda has most of the control. Yes, Hulk was once a
dominating force in wrestling, but in his marriage, it is really Linda that is
the dominating force. On television it seems as though they have a
wonderful marriage, 22 years and still going strong. It does not really
seem as though they have a unity model of marriage, but may be on the pathway
of getting there.
Married With Children
Al, Peggy, Bud, and Kelly Bundy
Do Ya Think I’m Sexy
“When Al moves a sofa off a neighbor's lawn without
a shirt on, he unexpectedly gains a reputation as a "stud" among the
neighborhood women. Uplifted, he starts taking showers and wearing elegant
clothes, and his performance at work improves dramatically, as does his
popularity with the ladies. Needless to say, Peggy is both jealous and
unsettled - her husband is acting very unlike-Al.”
‘Til Death Do Us Part
“Al's poor bedroom performance makes him the
laughing stock of the entire town after another night with Peggy, even though
the only person she tells about it is Marcy. Al then decides to get in shape
for the real deal to get his self-confidence back.”
In Married With Children, Peggy and Al’s marriage
is pretty much a dominating marriage, with Al in the forefront of that. Al
works all day at a shoe store, and Peggy, nobody ever knew what she really
did. But she winded up letting Al run her life, and their marriage for
that matter. I used to love watching this show, I thought Peg and Kelly
and Bud were all so funny, Al was pretty funny, too. After taking this
class and reading the anti-unity values I realize how much their marriage is
never going to be a unity model marriage.
Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and
Behavior:
Television shows:
King of the Hill
1.The name alone says what kind of show this may be, a male dominated one.
2. Hank also using some form of negation, denial, or refusal with Peg
3. In this particular episode, he is being disloyal to herby not sticking
up for her
Married With Children
1. In the first episode I
described, Al is being disloyal to Peg by being sexy for someone else besides
her
2. Al would never make up with Peg either. He would never admit that he
was in the wrong, and always makes excuses for something he did
3. In the second episode I used, it was Peg that talked to someone
of the same sex about her husband, and then Al became embarrassed about what
was said. Peggy was not very loyal to Al in this episode
Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and
Behavior:
Hogan Knows Best
1. Hulk was there for
Linda, when the neighbors were trying to get Linda to get rid of her “farm” of
animals. Although Linda had permits for the animals and was in accordance with
the city rules and regulations, it was Linda that had to attend the hearing, in
which Hulk went with her. Even after the hearing, Linda did have to get
rid of two of her dogs and Hulk was there supporting her and was there for
her if she needed anything.
2. In this episode Linda gets really upset after the hearing and Hulk and
her are walking to their car, while she is yelling at them and calling them
names, once in the truck, Hulk is like “your right, but you need to be more
careful where you yell those types of things at.” But Hulk was very loyal
to her and her opinions, he saw where she was coming from and would have done
anything he could have to make the situation better.
I conclude from these two list, that a
show that is 10 years old, and off air, besides reruns, is still a popular
show, and similar to a show that is in it’s 10th season.
Married With Children went 10 seasons along with King of the Hill, when looked
at are very similar, in that it is a male dominated household, and the wife
still strives for that unity model of marriage. Whereas, the Hogan’s are
more of equity model and is in its 3rd season of airing. They
are a more up-to-date marriage and even their lifestyle is totally different
from that of the Bundy’s or the Hill’s.
I actually found this a good thing in
today’s society, in that we are moving forward. Married With Children
stopped in 1997, just about the time that King of the Hill Started, and both
were dominating marriages on television, now you get into 2006 and the Hogan’s
are changing people’s, especially those in their 20 something’s, views on
marriage. Hulk does almost anything that Linda wants him to do, and yet still
has an equal role in everything that goes on in the family. I found this
refreshing in that people may change their ways and open their minds and realize
that marriages do not always have to be dominating, but they can be equal, and
better yet, united. I have a feeling it may take some time for the unity
model to show up in television shows.
I discussed these topics with my
friends Amanda and Jeff. Because they are married I thought it would be
interesting to see what they would say about the unity model of marriage,
because they are mainly in an equity model as of now. I explained to both
of them what the unity model of marriage was, and how these anti-unity values
can ruin a marriage. I also discussed the differences between conjunctive
and disjunctive speaking and behaving.
Amanda: “I can see how these
values can ruin any marriage, not just necessarily the unity model of
marriage. I also understand the conjunctive versus disjunctive way of
talking and behaving. Jeff and I have problems with this. So I guess we
have something to work on and know what are next steps are in getting to the
unity model of marriage. I really like this model because of everything
it stands for. If Jeff would just let go of this power struggle with me
then I think we could be on our way of reaching the unity model.”
“I would like for Jeff and I to be in
the unity model of marriage, I really believe in still being together beyond
the physical self. The conjunctive and disjunctive talking and behavior
is something we both really need to work on. Jeff and I get so stressed
out from everyday life, having to deal with work, school, and our two children,
it is really tough to deal with each other in a conjunctive behavior, it is
just easier to argue and state our points rather than really listen or think
about the other person’s views.”
Amanda’s ideas were pretty good I
thought. She really understood what it takes for a marriage to achieve that
unity model status. She knows what it is going to take to reach it. I
know for a fact that Amanda holds a lot of the stress that she goes through to
herself. If Jeff would just want that conjoint self with her, I think they would
be on the path of their marriage becoming a unity model marriage.
Jeff: “I understand the unity model of
marriage and the difference between conjunctive and disjunctive talking and
behaving, but something’s work for some couples, and other things work for
other couples. I have been married before, but the marriage I have with
Amanda is really different from my previous marriage. Although I believe
in being together after I die, it is difficult to keep that in mind with the
daily stresses of work, school, and family life. I really don’t put Amanda as
my number one priority. I think I put work as number one because that is
how I provide for my family, and if I didn’t have a career then I couldn’t do
as much as I like to for them. I guess I really need to rethink our
marriage.”
I understood what Jeff was
saying. I think he was really trying to completely understand how in the
unity model of marriage he is suppose to put Amanda first, and I believe that
is really hard for him to do. He also uses his previous marriage to
compare with his marriage now, which I do not agree with because it is with a
different person, and he is in a different path of his life. Jeff needs
to come to terms with putting Amanda first and foremost in his life, and everything
else will work out.
Jeff also mentioned about how much he
and Amanda fight, and I asked him “why?” He told me that it was because he and
Amanda have so many different ways of looking at things, and how they treat their
children and each other. He said a lot of it to was their different
upbringings. Jeff’s parents are divorced, whereas Amanda’s parents are
still together. So they saw different things that should or should not happen
in a marriage.
I think these disjunctive conversations
and behaviors are portrayed in media because they relate to everyday
life. They relate to most of the kinds of marriages that people have,
they do not always agree, or are ever perfect. People have always said
that, “Nothing is perfect,” and yet the unity model of marriage almost seems
like it could be. I think what we really need is open-mindedness and a strong
love and appreciation for our partner. It seems that someone is always
busy with work, school, or children and that we put our partner and marriage
second or even at times third to these things.
In the unity model of marriage and
conjunctive talking and behaviors, it is about the wife. The wife is striving
for that conjoint self with her husband, so that husband needs to change his
views and ways of letting her know that she is his number one priority.
He needs to reply to her every whim as if he is conjunctively fit with his
wife. And in this they can become “soul-mates forever,” and as an individual,
instead of two separate people.
The outcome of this type of interacting
is very crucial to the rise and fall of marriages. Couples may perceive
these types of marriages and behaviors on television as the ideal marriage and
ways to treat one another, when in fact, it is far from it. Disjunctive
talking and behavior could lead to unsatisfied marriages, and in that could
lead to divorces. Along with divorcing, it could lead to other things
such as, substance abuse, alcoholism, depression, and so on. This in
return can lead to many broken home families and lead the children to think
this is what a marriage is suppose to be like.
Adolescents and young women and men
could be lead to the ideas that dominance over your wife and equity with your
partner are the only two forms of marriage, and so there are no other choices,
when in fact, the unity model of marriage can be something to strive for.
As for the disjunctive talking and behaviors that are expressed, I believe that
adolescents and young women and men will think that it is ok to do these types
of things, when it is not. I think the impact of shows like King of the
Hill and Married With Children will have a significant impact on their own
marriages and relationships, and it will not be a good one.
Section D: Disjunctive vs.
Conjunctive Verbal Interactions
Disjunctive Verbal Interaction:
Wife: Honey I don't see how it would hurt you to go to Church with me one
Sunday?
Husband: We've discussed this darling, I am
not going to Church, God Does Not exist...
Wife: How can you believe that? You are a
doctor, you deliver babies, you see the miracle of life...
Husband: It can all be explained in
science...
Wife: There is more to life than science...
Husband: Not my life....
Wife: Science is more important than me,
your own wife....
Husband: No, that's not what I mean you are
twisting my words..
Wife: That's the way I feel lately...
Husband: I don’t mean it like that...
Wife: One Sunday?
Husband: No.
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because I do not believe...
Wife: Maybe if you opened your eyes you
would believe...
Husband: My eyes are opened that's why I
don't believe....
Wife: I give up
Husband: Good....
Wife storms out, husband sulks
At http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewshortstory.asp?id=10276 they do not give
the names or any other information besides the dialogue itself, so this helped
a lot because even though I do not know a lot about the situation at hand, I
can interpret this as a disjunctive dialogue between this couple. I get the
basics from this conversation as being the man is a doctor and the wife wants
him to go to church with her, and yet he does not believe in God because of
science. She tries to persuade him just one Sunday go with her or if
he opened his eyes he could see what she sees.
The main disjunctive replies of the
husband would be negation, denial, and refusal. The wife is asking him to go to
church and he is saying no, or refusing her request. The wife is also
telling him that there is a God and that if he went to church he could see
that, he is denying that fact that even if he did go to church, there still
would be no God because he is a doctor and his science proves it.
As far as the dominance-equity-unity
continuum, I believe this couple is more in the equity model because of the
threefold self example that are given in the lecture notes. In the
external or sensorimotor self the husband is defending his views of there is no
God, he is also dominating her by interrupting her when she is trying to tell
him something. As for the cognitive self, internal self, he does not
think that her views are important and his views are more rational. The
inmost self, affective self he is making his wife suffer because he does not
want to go to church with her because he does not believe in God.
What the husband should be doing with
his sensorimotor self is appear interested and support her in whatever aspect
of her life. His cognitive self should be in line with hers by him
focusing on her views so they may reach eternity together, and be as one
individual. In the inmost self, the affective self he needs to have that
mental intimacy with her and make her belief in God more important than his
belief in just his science.
Conjunctive Verbal Interaction:
“There you go, sir. Two dozen red roses. Must be a
special lady!” the young man who was working at the flower shop said with a
smile.
John took the bouquet and admired the deep red color of the roses. It was a color
that reminded him of Lara. She loved roses, and she loved the color red.
“She sure is.”
John’s heart swelled in his chest. She was ravishing. He only wished he knew
her better—that they weren’t strangers to each other. What were her hopes and
her dreams? What could he say that would make her laugh? He intended to find
out. He wanted to learn everything about her. Every possible thing.
“Good evening,” he greeted as he approached the table. Her dress matched the
vibrant color of the roses that he offered her. “I’m sorry I’m late.”
“They’re beautiful,” she said softly, the corners of her mouth lifting in a
becoming smile.
“So are you,” John told her, returning her smile. As if unwilling to meet his
eyes, she hid behind dark lashes and did not look up at him. He wondered if she
was angry for his lateness after all, or if she was just shy.
He took off his coat and slid into the seat across from her.
“I mean it, Lara. You’re a vision.”
This time she did look up, and he saw the hopeful brown eyes of the woman he’d
taken to a school dance years ago.
***
They made small talk over dinner and a bottle of red wine. They discussed the
weather, and mutual acquaintances.
John’s heart sank as the evening wore on. They truly were strangers. The
thought ate him up inside. He remembered when they could talk and laugh like
the best of friends. What had gone wrong? Why had they drifted apart?
“Lara,” he said suddenly, reaching for his coat.
She looked up at him with surprise in her eyes. No doubt she was wondering what
brought on such a serious tone.
“Yes?”
“I have something for you. It’s the reason I was late. It took me a long time
to find it. I wanted it to be perfect.”
He retrieved the red velvet box from the pocket of his coat and presented it to
her.
“What is it?” she asked, taking the box.
“Open it. You’ll see.”
John held his breath while she opened the velvet box and looked inside. For a
moment, she was silent. Then, her hand moved to her throat and tears sparkled
in her eyes.
“John, I love it!” she told him with a youthful laugh. “Help me put it on!”
She held out her hand and waited as John slid onto her finger the plastic ring
he’d purchased for a quarter at the grocery store.
“Remember when I gave you a ring like this after high school?” he asked.
“Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I plan to spend, my whole life with you,”
she reminisced. “A promise ring. It meant we would always be together.”
“Well, this is a promise ring, too. But the promise is different this time.
It’s the promise of a new beginning.”
The tears in Lara’s eyes slipped silently over her lashes and down her cheeks.
She reached toward John and he wove his fingers around hers. Their eyes met,
and the hope he had seen in hers grew warmer and brighter.
“A new beginning, and a wonderful future together,” she ventured.
“That’s right. Happy 25th Anniversary, Lara.”
Although I took a few snippets out from this
dialogue you can still see the conjunctive interactions going on. (For more of
this go to: http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewshortstory.asp?AuthorID=25297&id=23071.)
There are many examples of conjunctive interactions from talking with strangers
to making up adequately enough to wanting that mental intimacy with his
wife.
The disjunctive acts of disloyalty, secrecies, and
lies “happen very frequently in the dominance and equity models,” but we will
be looking at the opposites of these actions and the conjunctive interactions
that the husband should portray with his wife. If the main can control
these interactions and only be conjunctive towards his wife, he can eventually
can that mental intimacy with her.
At the very beginning of the dialogue a stranger
says that she must be a special lady to be receiving the roses, and without
hesitation John says she is, he acted as if Lara were standing right there
beside him. He told her he was late because he was getting something from
the store, and did not lie to her about it. He also tells her when he
gives her the ring that this time around would be different, that would have a
different life, and therefore keeping her up-to-date with the things that he
does and why he is doing it, because he loves her. He also gives her
roses and apologizes for being late, and in that makes up for his disjunctive
act.
Section E: Conclusion and
Advice to Future Generations
My conclusions to this paper are that
anti-unity values can be the decline of marriages and that couples should try
to stay away from these values as much as possible, along with temptations
comes “hellish” ways from couples. If the husband and wife love each
other and would like to be together for eternity then these values should not
stand in the way of that.
In generation 24 they were showing how
these anti-unity values could have a significant influence on gender portrayals
in the media. Most of them found that it has a huge influence and that is
something that should change. It really does have an effect on young boys
and girls also. It can lead them to believe that, that is the way a marriage
should be or that it is ok to go outside of the anti-unity values because
everyone else does it, but that is not the case.
I found different shows in television
that whither were popular or are popular now. The television shows really
showed the different models of marriage, and while none of them were unity
model, one of them far from it, it did show how these television shows could
have an impact on society and adolescents and young women and men as they are
growing up. It has a great effect because that is what my generation will
now come to think, that all marriages end up like the way it is portrayed in
television. Or that is how you are supposed to treat your wife, with
disrespect or making her feel unloved, when it is the total opposite.
I have learned by studying the
dominance-equity-unity models of marriage that dominance is the least
gratifying for women, and that as a woman, we strive for that mental intimacy
and that oneness with our husbands that they so much try to stay away
from. The equity model is better than the dominance model in that the
partners have equal roles and that the marriage is in the process of working
towards the unity model of marriage.
This is a great benefit to me because I
have learned what type of relationship my husband and I have and what we can
strive for in our future. I do not think that there are any topics that
are difficult to accept. I will apply in my marriage these concepts of
the anti-unity values and of disjunctive and conjunctive interactions in my own
life with my husband. I believe that it will help us mature with each
other and reach the ultimate goal of “us” being one instead of two, and of our
marriage being eternal and unified.
My advice to future generations would
be to give yourself ample amount of time. Although this is not a hard
concept, the paper is time consuming and you should not procrastinate what the
inevitable will bring. Dr. James gives you enough time for a reason; because he
wants you to understand this model, so do not procrastinate. The other
advice I give is, be open-minded. This may seem hard for a lot of people
to understand, but if you have an open-mind you can really understand this, and
that is all Dr. James is asking, you do not necessarily have to believe in it
or practice it, just understand it, and it could actually help you in your
everyday life.
Section F: Links
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/georgeo/georgeo.htm
G25 Class Home Page:
Some funny things to think about….
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Children - HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO
MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife.
I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
I thought this was cute because it is coming from
actual children. This is the influence that today’s society has on them
about marriage and dating.
Found at:
