Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
What Does
Everyone Think?
By Emily
Georgeo
The
instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 2, 3, 7, 8, and 10
The question I am answering is question 2.
A husband and wife seem
to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun,
being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement
and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.
(a) Explain why this
turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect
of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
(b) Discuss how married
partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In
your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self,
and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
(c) The unity model
says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect
data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview some women and
some men of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist
consisting of 10 items that highlight what the women and men have said about
their experiences regarding intimacy in couples.
(d) Discuss the list and the compare the views of the
men and the women.
A. Conjunction, not so Conjunct
This turnabout can
happen to a couple for a number of reasons.
One is that there is no mental intimacy within their relationship. Their conjunction levels are also messed
up. They have a great sensorimotor
conjunction, liking the same activities, and being popular with friends. In the more physical sense they are perfect
for each other.
Their cognitive
conjunction is a little bit better.
They get along together, because she has strived to be one with him. To
think how he thinks and to understand everything he says and does. You also know they have cognitive
conjunction because the conjunction “comes out in their agreements and
disagreements.”
As far as their
affective conjunction, this is where they may be a little off balance, or have
not quite reached this level yet, in which the wife is always striving. He needs to align his feelings with hers so
that they become one conjoined person.
This also leads to the mental intimacy that is so important in a
marriage and especially in the unity model of marriage in which it is a main
focus.
To gain that mental
intimacy with ones wife he must do two things and two things only, “First, he
must stop adding to her mental distress.
Second, he must start easing her mental distress.” Once he realizes this, he truly loves his
wife. Once he does the wife will be
blissfully happy, because she knows that her husband truly loves her and now
they can be soul mates and live forever in eternal unity.
B. Never Again, and then Forever
The partners can
reverse this by being on the same mental intimacy level, by being conjoined on
all levels of love and being. But to
get there they must take steps to work towards that. First they start out in the dominance model of marriage. They need to work through the sensorimotor,
cognitive, and affective selves, but in the dominance level. After they have mastered that, they may move
on to the equity model of marriage.
The equity model of
marriage is more of a “sensuous mentality” rather than a corporeal one. To get through and master the equity model
of the threefold self, they start at the sensorimotor, in which they compete
with each other in everything they do.
After this they can move on to the cognitive self, in which they agree
to disagree, they know what the partner is trying to opinionate, but does not
care and argues for the sake of it. At
the inmost level, the affective self, they give in every once in awhile, or
they take turns doing it.
Once they have
gotten through with the equity model and come to this agreement, then only can
they try for the unity model. This is a
more “rational mentality” than the other two models. In this model the partners work together to strive for the
conjoint self. They move with each
other, as if they are one, they are always working and striving for each other,
and to have that mental intimacy, and the husband is always trying to make his
feelings and desires to coincide, to be as one with his wife.
The question I am answering is
question 3.
(a) Select at least
one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as
listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each of
the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
(c) Summarize what
they say they gained from doing their reports.
(d) How do their ideas
influence what you yourself think about these issues?
(e) Would it be
useful to teach this course to high school students? Explain.
A.
Generation 20 My Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values
(AUV) in Gender Behavior By Chris M www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/chrism/report3.htm
B. My summary of Chris’s Report
This report
was interesting in that the report was based on gender in each topic. There was no gender bias in this report;
Chris made the report for both female and males alike. Chris seemed to understand everything very
well, and did a lot of research. Chris
did a lot of the TV shows that I watch as far as the anti-unity values go.
C. Chris’s Gain
Chris did
gain more respect I believe for the way that it really is out there. Although the views may have not changed one
way or the other, Chris’s eyes did open up and see that it really is a “man’s
world” but a woman’s home. Chris
enjoyed this report also because s/he could see the similarities of the class
and what it teaches so you can take it home with you, see it on TV, in movies,
even hear it on the radio.
D. Influence Chris had on me
I do not
think that I was greatly influenced by these issues according to what Chris
wrote, only because we did this report already, and I saw a lot of gender
inequality and such while doing the research and writing the paper. I like though how even though s/he views of
culturally and socially seen norms may have not changed, the views on a
relationship and what a successful one can be like did.
A. Generation 21- My understanding
of the Unity Model of Marriage By Mario Villegas www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/Villegas/REPORT%20TWO.htm
B. My Summary of Mario’s Report
I
thoroughly enjoyed Mario’s report.
After reading his paper though, I have come to realize that I myself am
gendered biased when I write my papers.
Of course Mario was when writing his paper. With Chris M’s paper, I did not know if it was a female or male
writing the paper, so when reading the paper there was no “gender” assigned to
it.
Mario’s
report was great in that I could actually see it from a male perspective. A lot of times females do take the males
physical strength for granted and the male is supposed to be our knight in
shining armor, but as for emotions we do not expect them to have any, even
though we know they do. We want our
male partners to be our best friends, yet we are taught that males are not
“like that.” And we should just accept it for what it is.
C. What Mario Gained
To me this
was Mario’s greatest statement, and I just could not rephrase it, “It is
important for me as a man to start seeing men that are valued by their great
hearts through their expressiveness without being looked down upon or ashamed.”
He has
gained the knowledge that men do have feelings and they don’t always have to
hide them. It is ok to cry, or be sad,
or feel anything at all. I think he
gained the insight of wanting to be that type of man too, and maybe raise his
children that way, not just a physical male but also an emotional male.
D. How Mario Influenced Me
I would
have to say that Mario influenced me a lot by just stating that males have
feelings too and that it should be ok that they show them. As I stated above
also, he made me realize that I do look at everything, most things as a gender
according to what it is, who uses it most, who writes it, who reads it, watches
it, listens to it, anything and everything is a gender. It was really nice to hear from a male perspective
though.
A. Generation 22 Report 2: My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage By
Stephanie Lea Regucera www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/regucera/409b-g22-report2.htm
B.
Stephanie’s
Report Summarized
It seemed
as if Stephanie were a little standoffish most of the time. She did her
research, read the sections she was supposed to read, the scholarly stuff, but
as far as opinions and what she thought of things, that part was missing, or
maybe I was expecting to see a little more.
Stephanie did some great reviews on the books that were to be read for
this report.
C.
What
Stephanie Gained
She
realizes that relationships and marriages are a lot more work than people let
on. I believe that Stephanie walked away from this class with knowledge
about her relationship and all the aspects of it, and even what may come along
in the future and how to handle that according to the unity model in which
females strive to be in.
D.
How
Stephanie Influenced My Thoughts
Well I can
say that I should definitely learn the way that she did. Even though I am married now and have tried
many times to be that conjoint self with my husband I do not think we will be
getting there anytime soon. Stephanie’s
paper made me realize though that I can still try and that there is hope
E. Useful or Not?
I think this
could go both ways as far as teaching this to high school students. I think certain things out of the lecture
notes and other books would help the students get a better understanding of the
married life and what can happen along the way. I think showing the students the differences of the marriage
models is a great idea, so they know that there is more than just the dominance
model that we are so used to. Even the
equity model is becoming more and more used.
I personally
like the unity model, but I am not sure if high school students can or are
willing to understand it. I think you
need to be at a certain maturity level before you can see the different
concepts behind the unity model of marriage.
I think they would understand it to a certain level, and that would be
it. I can see how a lot of them would
just do it to get by also and not take into consideration the long hours that
have been put into this model.
I do not
think that they would appreciate the model enough to keep it with them in their
minds. They are more worried about whom
they are taking to prom, or whom Britney Spears is dating next; I do not think
that too many of them are focusing on marriage and family at this point in
time. Today we have so many other
options that you do not have to get married while in high school or even right
after high school anymore.
The question I am answering is
question 7
(a) Consider Section
17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife
reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you
discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.
(b) Create a
conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout
Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the
lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand
what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual
conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it
so it fits with this answer.)
(c) Analyze the
conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line
numbers to be specific.
A.
Intimate
Conversations
Conversational style depends on the married couples level of
intimacy in their relationship. The
threefold self plays a huge role in conversational style and the level of
intimacy that the couple want to have.
The sensorimotor self is
the words we say, the tone we say it in, and the gestures we make with it,
because that is all external and the sensorimotor is our physical gestures of
what we feel on the inside. The self
that is doing all the thinking is the cognitive state. But what motivates us to think the certain
things and therefore what we say is the affective self. So the conversational style of each of these
selves comes in 3 separate models, the dominance, equity, and unity models.
In the dominance model the sensorimotor self is what I would call
abuse, he uses his words and physical features to “dominant” over her, to
defeat her. In the cognitive self of
the dominance model he thinks that women are next to nothing, that women do not
matter, and does not care or even try to see her point of view on things. In the affective self, he loves having the
power over her, he also likes to be with others, men mostly, rather than be
with his wife.
So in the dominant model, the conversational style does nothing
for her at all in regards to the level of intimacy they share in their
relationship. As for the equity model,
which is not as bad as the dominance model, they are on an equal level, so they
have more intimacy than not. In the
sensorimotor self he is always defending himself against her, he lies and
criticizes her to try to control her.
As for the cognitive self of the equity model he thinks that
whatever she says or thinks is not as relevant as his thought or feelings,
depending on the situation, he thinks that he is the rational one in this
relationship and he does not show his feelings because he knows that he can
control her this way.
In the affective self he wants to have his independence away from
her in certain areas of their relationship and therefore does not have that
mental intimacy that she so badly wants, and thus torturing her and degrading
everything she strives for. What she is
striving for is the unity model of marriage, and in this they can have the most
effective intimate relationship possible.
In the sensorimotor self he never talks bad to her or about her
and is always interested and supportive of her cares and concerns. In the cognitive self he relies on her for
their points of views because hers are more important so that way they can
reach the unity model for eternity. In
the affective self he loves her more than he loves himself and also wants and
loves that mental intimacy with her in their relationship.
The question I am answering is
question 8.
(a) In your own words, describe the unity model of
marriage and the mental states of the couple's threefold self.
(b) Describe any difficulty or
resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including
(i) The idea of a unity couple as a higher state of
life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg's observations of marriages in heaven.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell
them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the
Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the unity
model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members
acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions
on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
A.
Mental
state of 3 fold self
The mental state of the threefold self of the unity model has
three mental organs. Each organ has a
system that it corresponds with.
The sensorimotor organ has the nervous system as its
correspondent. This is what we sense in
the outside of the body and act upon that sense through out behaviors. This organ and system combined gives us a
“sensory noticing life in the spiritual body (nervous afferent input in the
physical body)” and a “motor execution life in the spiritual body (nervous
efferent output in the physical body).”
The cognitive organ is paired with the respiratory system because
this gives us the thinking part of the model. These thoughts give us “a
cognitive appraising life in the spiritual body (respiratory inhaling in the
physical body)” and they also give us a “cognitive planning life in the
spiritual body (respiratory exhaling in the physical body).”
The system that the affective organ is paired with is the circulatory system, that which gives us
feeling. These feelings give us “an
affective consummatory life in spiritual body (circulatory veins in the
physical body)” and “an affective optimizing life in the spiritual body
(circulatory arteries in the physical body).”
Each of these pairs, when worked out is then called a whole
entity, the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self, and the affective self.
B. The difficulty I had accepting the
Unity Model
I
don’t want to say that I had any difficulty understanding the unity model of
marriage, and granted that’s what “all” women strive for; I just had a hard
time accepting it.
At
first I thought, “This is crazy, only ‘far out there’ people talk about life
after death and a having a higher state of being.” During the semester I began to slowly understand what was being
taught. I was starting to accept it
more, and seeing how I am a creature of habit, and very into the norms of
society, I was like, “This is not crazy, and this is beautiful. This is what I
want with my marriage.”
Granted
this will probably take me a while to finally reach that conjoint self between
my husband and I, I feel like I can now do this, and spread it effectively
among friends and family.
As
far as the eternal significance of marriage, I’m still a little apprehensive
about. I understand that as soon as you reach this unity model of marriage the
couple is then a whole, no longer two separate people, but one, and therefore
will remain that way throughout eternity.
Because
I am from a broken family, I can’t see my mother or father ever reaching that
goal with each other. I can see it happening
with my father and stepmother, but as for my biological parents, I can’t see
them being that way with each other. I would like to be this way with my
husband, but like I said it will definitely take a while.
The
observations of marriages in heaven by Swedenborg, I am still skeptical about
also. I don’t have a religious
background and therefore don’t really know much about a heaven or hell, besides
the fact that they are there.
As
far as the “marriage heaven” and the spiritual world, I cannot grasp this
because there is no scientific or hard evidence that this is real. I love the
idea of this, and only will I truly know about this when my husband and I, when
we reach the unity model of marriage and pass away can we be a celestial
couple.
C. Reaction of my friends
My
best friend of 16 years, Kari, first laughed at me. I then explained to her the different models and what happens
when you reach the unity model of marriage and then again after you pass away
in the physical sense. She then thought
about it for a little while, I gave her the web address and told her to go
check it out.
She
got back to me within the week and was totally surprised that someone actually
took the time to sit down and get that deep into his or her marriage. Growing
up in the small down that we did, there wasn’t much talk of any other kind of
marriage besides the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is the stay at
home mom.
I
then asked my husband what he thought about this, considering he’s been hearing
about this class throughout the semester.
He totally understood, and really wanted to work through all the
different stages to get to the unity model of marriage.
He
loved the idea of celestial couples, and that they stay together for
eternity. He says he loves me that much
that he would want to work out any problems that come along and be supportive
of me just so that in the afterlife, in the spiritual world we can and will be
together.
D. Influence over my thinking
I
believe that this class has taught me not to be so stuck in my habits or in the
norms of society, because those things aren’t necessarily what are best for you
and your family. I believe that the unity model definitely has made me open my
eyes and see that I am in the equity model of marriage with my husband.
I
think that everyone got something out of the class, whether it was how to
handle being called a nag or bitch, or how to move to the next level of
marriage, going from the dominance to the equity and then on to the unity model
of marriage.
I
think everyone gained an insight on how they want their marriages to be, I just
hope that they are looking at their own life and situations realistically. Sure I want my husband and I to be in the
unity model of marriage, but realistically I don’t think that we will ever get
there.
That’s
why I think this class should be taught at a younger age. Although earlier I said that students in high
school may not even understand what it going on in their own present lives, how
do they know what they want in the future.
I
think that this should be taught before getting married. There should be a chart of the dominance,
equity and unity model posted around all marriage sites. And whoever can
perform a marriage ceremony should have to talk to the couple about this before
they wed.
The question I am answering is
question 10.
(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models
of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people
attracted to each other to become a couple?
(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection that
you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as well
as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that are
popular.
(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What
would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?
(a)
Mate
selection
(b)
Practices
that I am aware of
(c)
Improvements
in these practices
My Report on
Current Generation
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/monteilh/monteilh-409b-g25-report1.htm
I chose Makalapua’s report because I thought
that she had a good insight coming from the female perspective but really
keeping the male in mind. I just write
how I feel and what I think, no matter if it is gender biased or not. I really liked that she wrote about her
brother in the report, because it shows that no matter what kind of family you
grew up in, you can have different aspects of a relationship.
She also states a lot of AUV’s in her
paper. I liked this because sometimes
you do not think about whether something is an AUV or not. Her example of going
out with the same sex friends without your partner really hit home. I do it about once a month and my husband,
too. We try to see that as are way of
getting out and hanging out with our friends, not as trying to be two separate
entities.
Makalapua’s understanding of the unity model
was much better than mine also. It’s not that I had a hard time understanding
it; I had a hard time coming to terms with it. It is not something that I am
used to, or have even heard of before, so after reading her paper, I really got
a better understanding of the unity model of marriage.
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/kim/kim-409b-g25-report1.htm
I really liked Paige’s report because it was
so informative, that even if I had not had this class I would still know what
she was talking about. I wish I were like that, where I could just write about
a topic so effectively. I really enjoyed her summaries of the television shows;
they were both funny and disturbing.
Paige is really for the unity model of
marriage, so she has wonderful things to say about it, unlike Makalapua, she
had a few things that she did not really like about it. Also like me, there are
some things that I do not really care for in the unity model of marriage, and
it could be because that is how I grew up and I am a creature of habit so it
will be really hard for me to really get into the unity model of marriage.
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/akiyama/akiyama-409b-g25-report1.htm
At first I chose Tiffany’s page because it
stood out, and then as I began to read it, I could not stop. It was really
funny, and I really enjoyed how she used all different types of television
shows and the set up to show conjunctive versus disjunctive ways of talking
with your partner.
I think a lot of others including myself really
focused our papers on the anti-unity values, whereas Tiffany seemed to focus
hers on the disjunctive and conjunctive conversation styles. Tiffany seems to be all for the unity model
like Paige is, and really made it stand out. I still think there is room for
improvement as far as the model goes, everyone is like “oh yeah, it’s perfect,”
and nothing is ever perfect. But I
really enjoyed ready this report also.
Advice
to Future Generations
Do not put things
off until the last minute. I realize
that everyone says that, and it is not because we all procrastinated, but it is
because if you take your time and open your mind you can get an A in this
class. As long as you go to class,
participate, and do everything in a timely manner there is no reason not to get
an A in this class.
As far as the
reports go, as soon as he gives you the assignment start doing it. Take it slow, but make sure you give
yourself enough time to take it slow.
These can be really fun and interesting as long as you keep an open
mind, and don’t try to cram it all in one night. You can learn so much from this class also. So if you can just keep your mind clear of
everything that you have previously learned, you can expand your knowledge so
much more.
Don’t wait until
last minute to do a 20 page paper, don’t wait until last minute to do anything,
otherwise you will come up short on time and grade, if you could just picture
an A instead of a C for turning a great paper that you took weeks to do, or a C
for turning it in incomplete or late.
This is what happens when you do wait until last minute to do
things. It is 4:12, this paper is due
at 5, in 45 minutes, and I still did not answer all the questions. DON’T
PROCRASTINATE!!
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/georgeo/georgeo-home.htm
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm