Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
My Understanding of the Unity Model
By: Dayna Hasegawa
The instructions for this report are at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 2,3,8,9 and 10
The Question I am answering is Question 2:
A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.
(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause? Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
(c) The unity model says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview some women and some men of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of 10 items that highlight what the women and men have said about their experiences regarding intimacy in couples.
(d) Discuss the list and then compare the views of the men and the women.
(a) The Causes
It is unfortunate that this couple results to showing each other such disrespect and hatred for one another. This can give us reason to believe that they are far from being in the unity model of marriage. If they were in the unity model of marriage then they wouldn’t show each other such hate and disrespect towards each other. Instead, both husband and wife need to think about their partners, treating them with love ad respect.
In order to have a successful marriage, a husband and wife must continuously try to achieve the unity model of marriage. The Unity model of Marriage is the highest most level that a husband and wife can achieve. The biggest reason on why men disagree or refuse this model of marriage is because it requires them to abandon their independent activities, styles and choices in order to fully conjoin as one with their wives. Most men will refuse this lifestyle because they think by doing so, they will lose and sacrifice so much. What they do not realize is that by conjoining with their wife, they will be able to live a happy and successful marriage with their wife.
The reason for this couple’s relationship to resort to a hateful argument could be due to some underlining reason. Sure they may enjoy the same activities, having fun and love being popular. However these are all external things. They seem to be in the sensorimotor stages of their relationship. This means that they enjoy doing the physical activities with each other like going out, holding hand, kissing, going dancing and etc, but they haven’t reached their cognitive and affective levels of unity model.
They have yet to experience the thinking, motivations and desires for one another. Only through this level, the cognitive and affective levels, will they inch their way towards achieving the unity model. However, being that they have resulted in arguing and saying hateful things to each other, this means that they are still yet thinking only of themselves and of their individual desires and motivations.
(b) Reversing This Cycle
The ultimate way for a couple to reverse this cycle of saying hateful things to one another during times of conflict to fully grasp the concept of the three fold self and how it applies to the unity model of marriage. The Three Fold Self consists of the sensorimotor, cognitive and affective selves.
The Sensorimotor self is the level that includes the decisions one chooses or actions. The Cognitive self is the self that includes how one thinks and the affective self is one’s own feelings. These concepts apply to the unity model because in order to conjoin with your partner as one, who must achieve sensorimotor conjunction, cognitive conjunction and affective conjunction.
This basically means that most husband and wife are to abandon their independent activities, independent thinking of only themselves, and independent feelings. Instead they need to adapt to each other and learn how their partner thinks and how their partner feels. By understanding this, both husband and wife will be conjoined to each other and be living for one another rather than for their independent selves.
When a husband and wife insist on holding on to their independence it can create a hidden resentment in each other. And when an argument arises, these resentments will for surely arise and be turned into anger and hate. However, by understanding and upholding the practice of conjoining as one, a husband and wife will not only respect each other, but be able to live a happy life together.
(c) Mental Intimacy and Conjugial Unity
|
Qualities |
Men |
Women |
|
Enjoys having deep conversations |
XXX |
XXXX |
|
Strives to learn more about their partner
|
XXXX |
XXXX |
|
Hanging out with each other
|
XX |
XXXX |
|
Participating in different activities with each other
|
XX |
XXXX |
|
Being sexually active
|
|
|
|
Sharing Secrets
|
X |
XXXX |
|
Not keeping any secrets from each other
|
XXXX |
XXXX |
|
Sharing similar goals, desires, and expectations
|
XXX |
XXXX |
|
Thinking of one another before acting
|
XX |
XXXX |
|
Abandoning independence
|
|
XX |
(d) Comparing the Views of Men and Women
I must say that I was pretty surprised by the results of my little interview/survey. I asked a small group of 4 guys and 4 girls about what they would consider to be important to them in achieving mental intimacy and conjugial unity. After explaining the concept, I asked them which of the above they would say that they have either experienced or wanted to experience in order to achieve a mental intimacy with their partners.
For the women, it was pretty unanimous. All the women that I have asked agreed that all of these experiences are something that they have either wanted to experience with their partners or found to be important in achieving such intimacy. With the exception of being sexually active with their partner and the need to abandon independence, both were not necessary for these four women to feel mentally intimate with their partner.
The men that I have interviewed took me by surprise. I’m glad to say that these four guys do not fall so much into the shallowness of physical intimacy and needing physical closeness to feel mentally intimate. On the contrary, they actually seem quite in touch with their softer sides. Most of them agree that they would like to experience closeness mentally with their partners by getting to know each other inside and out, enjoying deep conversations, and even being open and not keeping any secrets from each other.
The data that I collected actually disproved the conclusion that men resist mental intimacy. From the guys that I have interviewed at least, they all might not have been able to experience this kind of mental intimacy yet, but it seems as if they all want this at one point or another in their future relationships. However, I know that this is just a glimpse of hope because there are a lot of men out there that do resist mental intimacy with their partner and even view mental intimacy as having to be physically active with them.
I am answering Question 3:
(a) select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as listed in the readings section of the Lecture Notes at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student’s report
(c) Summarize what they say they gained from doing their reports.
(d) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
(e) Would it be useful to teach this course to high school students? Explain.
Generation 20
Suzanne Howard
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report1.htm
Summary…
For the first student report, I have chosen Susan Howard from generation 20. This student was assigned to write a report on her understanding of gender differences and how men and women communicate differently. The objective of this report was to present the information and her understanding of the topic in a formal manner with preface, introduction, body, and conclusion.
What She Gained…
Howard seemed to have gained a lot from doing this report. She gave good explanations and examples that showed her understanding of the topics given. For example, she wrote on the importance of fully understanding the three fold self. She explained that the three fold self consist of the sensorimotor self, the cognitive and the affective selves. The sensorimotor is the physical aspect and activities, cognitive is the way one thinks, and the affective self is the way one feels.
Howard explained that each of these aspects are all interrelated and if we do not understand one, we will not grasp the entire aspect of the three fold self. And if we want to be able to have successful relationships and successful social interactions with our coworkers, friends and partner we must try to attain and understand the three fold self.
In her conclusion, I felt that she explained what she has learned quite well. She feels that she has gained a greater understanding that men and women have many differences. She also learned that with a full understanding of these new concepts, one can achieve a successful relationship with their partner. She also thinks that women will greatly benefit if more people were to learn about the three fold self and the importance of it in gender interactions. She also believes that with the increased learning of these concepts by people, there will be less and less cases of women being inferior to men.
How Did Her Ideas Influence Me…
Howard’s ideas influence what I think about these particular issues because it supports what I have learned through out the semester. Her report is not surrounded by issues specifically dealing with marriage and how to have a successful union between husband and wife, like we are focusing on this semester. However, her report focuses on applying what she has learned about the three fold self and how it applies to different situations like gender interactions, discourse, driving norms and other issues in our environment.
It helps teach me that the ideas that we have learned in class about the three fold self, is not only important in achieving unity in a marriage, but important in every aspect of our lives. Fully understanding our sensorimotor, cognitive and affective selves means that we can apply the physical or external actions, to the way we think and they way we feel, helping us with our personal interactions with others.
Teaching It to High School Students…
According to Howard’s report, it would seem as if she might not necessarily recommend teaching this course to high school students. Even though she has learned a great deal from the class, and will also take everything that she has learned into consideration and thought towards her own personal gender interactions for the future, she feels a little skeptical with the idea of mass learning it. She explained that these are complicated concepts to understand and with out having an expert like Dr. James able to fully explain these concepts in every school, people might get the wrong idea about gender roles.
She explains that if the public were to fully understand these concepts then it could be beneficial to our future interactions with others. But this could only take place if everyone were able to grasp such concepts. I on the other hand would have to say that I think it would be greatly beneficial if this class were to be taught to high school students. This is where gender interactions really start taking place. And if both high school boys and girls were to fully be able to learn about concepts like the three fold self or the different models of marriage, maybe we would be able to have more successful gender interactions.
Generation 21
Cheryl Sabey
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm
Summary…
Sabey did a great job in explaining the difference between the three different levels of marriage: dominance, equity and unity. She chooses to show her understanding of the concepts through different charts that compare the three models. Through the many readings she had to do through out the semester she explains the dominance level as being the stage which is most like the American culture where the wife chooses to be submissive to the husband and the husband is the main decision maker in the relationship.
She then explains that most modern relationships fall into the equity model of marriage. This is where both husband and wife find compromise in arguments. She states that both partners hold on to their individual styles and perspectives while finding a common ground. And last but not least, she explains the unity model of marriage as being the ultimate level that a couple is to try and achieve. This model is where the wife is in constant search for conjugial love and the husband is to surrender his ways to live for his wife.
What She Gained…
According to Sabey’s entire report, it is written proof on how much she actually gained from doing the report. She explains that after learning so much about the three levels of marriage she is able to apply it to her own relationship and see which stage she falls into. She also understands how important it is to achieve the unity model of marriage if she wants to have a successful marriage. She not only gained a good understanding of the concepts, but she was able to broaden her horizons by being able to hear other student’s opinion on the topics.
How Did Her Ideas Influence Me…
Sabey’s ideas have influenced what I myself think about the issues also. She presented the ideas not only through her clear explanations but through charts. I agree with her opinions and feel as if her explanations of the topics were quite influential. She basically supported every concept that Dr. Leon James has presented to her generation and our generation. We know that we will only have a successful marriage after we have achieved the full level of unity, by conjoining with our partners as one whole rather than two individual souls.
Teaching It to High School Students…
According to what Sabey concluded in her report, I would probably say that she would recommend teaching this course to high school students. She felt that even though these concepts may be difficult to achieve with in a marriage, understanding them will at least give you a different aspect to one’s own relationship or personal gender interactions.
Learning about the unity model of marriage and teaching it as a course in a high school setting could also create new doors for young kids who are about to enter the world of dating and relationships. A child who has grown up with a mother and father who fall into the dominance model could benefit from taking a class like this in high school. With influence from concepts learned in a class, a child like this could apply what they have learned and hopefully not end up falling into the dominance model just because that is all they knew growing up.
Generation 22
Jenny Kwan
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm
Summary…
Like the rest of her classmates from her generation, Kwan explained her full understanding of the unity model of marriage by applying what she has learned to different situations and comparing the three different levels: dominance, equity and unity. She analyzes different couples, why conflict can occur, and what it takes to live a successful marriage. She also uses different sources like books by Dr. Laura, Tannen, and notes by Dr. Leon James, to draw her own conclusions from their views and apply them to her own relationships with her boyfriend.
What She Gained…
Kwan seems to have gained a lot from her doing this report. She learned that the Unity model is the highest most level that a husband and wife should try to achieve in order to have a successful and happy marriage. She also learned that with out both partners willing to fully live for each other, giving up independence and their own styles, motivations and goals, they will never be able to become one with each other. This is what she has taken with her and will apply to her own relationship with her boyfriend. She hopes that one day her and her boyfriend will be able to reach the unity model of marriage.
How Did Her Ideas Influence Me…
Her ideas had some influence to what I think about these issues because she brings up the point of eternal love and how a husband and wife are to continue their love even after death. Kwan is not religious so she questions the idea of love after death. She doesn’t even know what to expect after death, however she does like the idea of re-uniting with your partner in heaven.
I on the other hand have grown up coming from a Christian school and I have always lived with the idea that after death, we will re-unite with our loved ones in heaven, where we can live a life full of love, happiness and where there is no sin and no evil. There has never been a doubt in my mind that when death arrives, I will be re-united in heaven with my husband.
After hearing it as one of the qualities for the unity model of marriage, it brought a little reassurance to mind. Some people may find that aspect of the unity model of marriage hard to believe, but for me it’s a simple reminder that conjugial love as Dr. James puts it, will stay with a husband and wife even after death.
Teaching It to High School Students…
Kwan seems like she lies right in the middle when it comes to whether or not she agrees with these concepts or not. It is clear that she fully understands the three different levels of marriage, dominance, equity and unity. However, she finds the concept of trying to achieve the highest most level of marriage a little difficult for people to achieve.
She agrees that this could be very useful information and fully understanding the concept, could be beneficial to a husband and wife. However, in her mind it might be something that may seem unreachable to her and her relationship. She stated that her boyfriend didn’t agree with the unity model when it stated that the husband is to give up all of this independence and is expected to know exactly what makes the wife happy. If doesn’t agree with this, then how will he himself ever be able to conjoin with her.
Because of her own experiences, I’m sure she would at least recommend teaching the unity model of marriage to high school students. However, as seen in her report, she has her doubts on whether achieving the unity model is really an achievable goal. Teaching this course in high school could definitely be useful and open the eyes of many confused kids. They might still be left with questions to think about, but at least they would be exposed to interesting concepts that they could apply to their own relationship in the future.
I am answering Question 8:
(a) In your own words, describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the couple’s threefold self.
(b) Describe any difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including
(i) the idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the Unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
(a) Description of the Unity Model of Marriage
The main concept through out this entire class has to do with the unity model of marriage. According to Dr. Leon James, achieving this level of marriage is the only way for a husband and wife to be completely happy resulting in a successful marriage. In this model, a wife is constantly striving to understand her husband so that they can conjoin together as one.
It is the husbands place to want to change for his wife and want to abandon everything that is negative and holding him back from achieving unity and conjunction with his wife. It is the husbands desire to hold on to his independence that keeps him from conjoining with his wife. In other words, he will always be in a constant disjunction with his wife, until he chooses to think of his wife’s feelings and do what makes her happy.
There are three mental states that are included in the couple’s three fold self. The lowest level is the sensorimotor conjunction, next being the cognitive conjunction and last but not least is the affective conjunction. The affective conjunction is the level at which a husband and wife is to continuously strive for. Only after achieving the affective conjunction is when a husband and wife can finally say that they are in the unity model of marriage.
Every couple starts off at the bottom, in the sensorimotor level. This is where the couple gets to know each other by sharing different activities that help them to learn more about the other. Any activity that they do together like, have lunch, go dancing, or going skating can be considered an external activity and part of the sensorimotor conjunction.
The next level is the cognitive conjunction. This includes how a husband and wife think, reasons, and even justifies. Men tend to resist this level because they do not want to give up their independence. However, this is required to successfully achieve cognitive conjunction.
The top most level is the affective conjunction. In this level, a couple includes each other’s feelings, motivations, and goals. Everything a husband and wife may do is in the best interest of their partner or what their partner wants. This level will weaken if one partner excludes the other from a particular activity. This only creates distance between each other which will result in a disjunctive relationship.
For affective conjunction to be achieved, a husband has to be willing to do anything to make his wife happy. He understands that he must abandon his independent styles and feelings so he can be concerned with his wife and his wife’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. Finally, all three levels will be attained and the husband and wife will have achieved the unity model of marriage.
(b) Describe any difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including, (i) the idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others (ii) the eternal significance of marriage (iii) Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven.
Idea of a Unity Couple as
a Higher State of
I would say that the idea of a unity couple being set as the highest state of life is pretty ideal. Who wouldn’t want to be apart of a relationship where there isn’t anything else more important. Unfortunately, it is not a concept that every one knows about. This whole concept of a unity model of marriage being the only way to have a successful marriage is not heard of my many.
The idea of offering a class like this in high school would be very beneficial in spreading this concept, getting more people to know about it. Only then, could this idea actually take place. Being that we are probably very far from introducing this course as a high school course, this is the only resistance I may have towards this idea.
Eternal Significance of Marriage
I myself do not have any resistance to the idea of marriage for eternity. I have been brought up in an environment that supported and expressed the idea that marriage is forever and not only till death do us part. I have always learned that once we die, we will be reunited in heaven with our loved ones including our partner.
However, people who may not be religious or who have never heard of this idea could have some resistance to it. I have talked to some people who do not believe there is place that we all will reside in once we die. Some believe that once we die, we end all existence and all love that we have experienced or shared with our partner. It might be nice if we all believed in eternal love and marriage till eternity.
Swedenborg’s Observations of Marriages in Heaven
I found Swedenborg’s observations of marriages in heaven to be very interesting. He basically states that a person must be filled with goodness and truth in order to go to heaven. This would support the religious aspect of Christianity because to go to Heaven a Christian must ask forgiveness of all their sins and live a life that represents how God would have wanted us to live like, doing good for other people.
The idea of marrying your partner in Heaven after death only supports the idea of partners being reunited in Heaven. One does not have to worry what will happen once they die, as long as they are living a successful marriage in the unity model of marriage they will not only be happy here on earth, but up in Heaven also.
For me, this is quite a reassurance to not fear death. If I die, married to the one I love and we are happy living in the unity model, then there is nothing to fear. Knowing that I will soon be reunited with my partner in Heaven is a great feeling of reassurance. The only resistance I may have to this idea is about those who do not believe in this. Just like in Christianity, those who are non believers are said to not reunite in heaven. Therefore, I would sympathize for those who have difficulty understanding or choose to not believe in the unity model.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.
I spoke with my friend Alan about this idea of the whole unity model of marriage and explained to him the steps needed to take to achieve a happy and successful marriage. I also explained to him the idea of marriages in heaven and how a unity marriage is not only till death do us part, but can last for eternity.
Unfortunately, his basic reaction to all of this was more on the skeptical side. He said that it is a nice idea to keep in mind, and he wouldn’t mind if it was possible. However, he does not think that it is likely for there to be this perfect model that explains two people as having a successful marriage. He felt that every couple is different, and every couple should do what works individually for their marriage.
He stated that he felt it was nice to have a general idea of what an ideal marriage would be like. That way it is something that everyone can work towards. He also said that it would be nice to continue a unity marriage in heaven, but his thinking was why a person would want to. I was pretty shocked by his attitude. He felt that things will eventually change. A person could be married and be in love, but it’s enough to be married till death. It seems as if he felt that if everyone goes to heaven, then why reunite with the same person if who could spend eternity with someone else.
I then spoke with my boyfriend, Jayson about the idea of the unity model of marriage and how marriage is for eternity. Jayson said it was a good idea, however the only resistance he had to it would be in regards to the partner who is left on earth. He said that if the wife dies early, can the husband never remarry again? He said, that wouldn’t be fair, because then the husband would be left alone and miserable until they die.
(d) How has the unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to te3ach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
The Unity Model has definitely influenced the way I think about myself and my own personal relationships and gender interactions. I know that it is important to be aware of one’s three fold self so that they can communicate and have successful interactions and relationships.
Prior to taking this course, I have never heard of such ideas and never realized that every couple could be classified into a different level of marriage. It is unfortunate to realize that most of our societies married couples reside in either the dominance or equity model and don’t even know it.
The unity model has helped me look at my own relationship in a different way. I now realize that the unity model is a level I hope to find myself in with my future husband. It made me realize what I can expect from a marriage and how to actually achieve a successful marriage.
The main benefit that I myself have gained and do believe that class member could acquire when studying the unity model in this course is basically the ability to apply what they have learned here in class to their own personal relationships. I think it is an amazing idea to be able to work together with your partner to create this wonderful bond and conjunction. Class members could definitely benefit from learning about these concepts to ensure that they too will have a unity model of marriage.
I think that teaching the unity model to couples should be done at the early most stages of their relationship. The sooner a couple is to learn about the unity model, the better chance they will not fall into the dominance or equity model. Dr. James has stated that for women, it a long process to get your husbands to change and be willing to conjoin with them
My only suggestion on how to teach the unity model would be to teach it to individuals early, like in a class room setting in high school. It is important for both males and females to learn the difference between the three different levels of marriage, the dominance, equity and unity. And if it can be taught to high school student, it will better prepare them for their future relationships. It will teach the girls to expect the best and teach the boys the desire to be willing to change and conjoin with their partners if they wish to have a successful marriage in the future.
I am answering question 9:
(a) Make up a game of any kind that can be played by a couple or several couples in a group. The purpose of the game is to teach couples how to observe their interactions in terms of conjunctive vs. disjunctive – see explanations given in Lecture Notes, e.g.: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#Table%201b%20and%201c
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a_Part_5:_Monitoring
(b) Describe the Game and its theory
(c) Test the game with other people. Describe the results and give recommendation.
The game that I have designed is to see how well one knows their partner and if their thinking is conjunctive or disjunctive.
The Instructions:
1. Each Partner will have a dry erase board and pen, so they can write down their answers
2. After the proctor reads a situation each partner is to designate an answer that would describe their partners actions or response
3. After both partners have written an answer down, the Proctor will ask to view the answers. Then deciding whether their responses are conjunctive or disjunctive (the goal is to try and get both partners to responds with conjunctive answers)
4. For every conjunctive match between partners, they will receive a star.
5. At the end of the game, who ever accumulates the most stars win, and they will have the gratification of knowing that they are on the road to a conjunctive unity marriage.
Description of situations
(Just to name a few of the situations that was given)
Testing It
I played this game with my best friend Sheena and her boyfriend. They have been going out for almost 2 years, along with my sister and her fiancé and my boyfriend and I. I had my mom be the proctor and read us the different situations.
I chose to not explain the difference between conjunctive and disjunctive right away because I didn’t want them to be biased in their response. I was trying to prevent them from giving answers just because they knew it would get them a star for being conjunctive. I wanted them to give truthful answers that would describe how they would really act if the situation were to happen to them in real life. This way they would be able to see what kind of relationship they are living.
After going through 20 different situations, all three groups did not do very well. Not one group was able to gain the possible 20 stars for 20 perfect conjunctive matches. Sheena and her boyfriend only won 4 stars. My sister and her fiancé only won 10 stars, and I and my boyfriend won 10 stars. The majority of the time my sister and I came up with conjunctive answers but Sheena and her boyfriend gave responses that were disjunctive and dominance following.
From this I was able to conclude that out of our three relationships, none of us are currently in the unity model of marriage. Unfortunately, Sheena and her boyfriend are currently in the dominance model. Sheena has always talked to me about problems in her relationship and her boyfriend is very dominating. I was pretty surprised with the fact that a lot of her responses were disjunctive. I feel that because she has been in this dominating relationship for so long, the way she thinks has completely turned disjunctive and submissive.
The only hope that I have for her is that she realizes that there is such a thing as being in a unity model of marriage. Hopefully she will not end up with a man that falls into the dominance model. She needs to realize that striving to achieve conjunction with her partner is crucial to attain a successful marriage.
My sister and her fiancé have been best friends for many years now. And since they have been in a relationship and recently became engaged, I was hoping that they would score better on this game. I think people are so unaware of the idea of conjoining with their partners both on a physical, mental and spiritual level that they do not always realize that their actions and cognitive processes could actually hurt their relationships.
I do ordinarily think my sister and her fiancé have a very good relationship. They get along, and he treats her well. They do have some problems in their relationship, but now that they have learned the difference between conjunctive and disjunctive behaviors, they realize that there are things they need to work on.
They were conjunctive 50 percent of the time, where they responded in the same conjunctive behaviors for 10 out of the 20 given situations. My sister had said that she liked this idea of a unity model in a marriage. Therefore, I know that this is something that the two of them will be striving towards.
My boyfriend and I scored the same as my sister and her fiancé. I was hoping to a do little better, but I believe this to be a work in progress. Through out the semester, I have continuously explained these concepts to my boyfriend. I find it funny that I would consider him to be following more of the unity model than anything else because of his actions. He is always thinking about me and how to make me happy.
However, what comes out of his mouth is a different story. If people were to draw conclusions just by the way he talked, people would probably think that he would be more in the dominance model. He likes to talk like he is the “man” in the relationship, but he knows that he is a softy when it comes to our relationship.
My recommendations on how to make this game better, would probably be definitely to keep coming up with new situations so that it could be a game that we can continue to play. It would be interesting to see how far along we have come in striving for the unity model say a year from now. Would we be able to get 20 or more stars?
I am answering Question 10:
(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?
(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that are popular.
(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?
(a) Mate Selection
Daly, Martin and Wilson, Margo. Sex, Evolution, and Behavior. Wadsworth Publishing CO: 1983.
About one year ago, I took a psychology class that focused on human sexuality. During the semester, one of the main books that we studied was Sex, Evolution, and Behavior, by Martin Daly. It was all about mate selection and how it differs between genders.
According to Daly, he says that male and females go through mate selection for different reasons. The main focus for males during mate selection is to mate with as many females, therefore increasing their productivity. This is speaking in animal terms, like birds, fishes and so forth. With female species, their main goal is to find the best mate whom they think will increase their productivity.
Females invest so much more of their time when it comes to mate selection because it is crucial to their offspring. They want to mate with someone that they feel will be able to support them and their offspring. It also states that males will most likely choose a mate that is good looking, and popular whereas females will choose a mate based on financial status and stability. This is to ensure that her time that she invests will not be wasted.
This process of mate selection is to occur when females choose who is best suitable to raise her offspring with. It is the males be stable and win over the females. And according to Daly, the only reason why species are attracted to each other mate is because of the fact that they need to increase their productivity of offspring. Males and females just have different ways of going about it.
(b) Mate Selection in our Society Today
From what I have observed in my life already, I believe that the current practices of mate selection are quite different. Of course there is a good share of people out there that are just in the game of mate selection for productivity. In other words, the more people they sleep with, the higher their productivity rates are. However, most people today are in the game of finding a perfect mate so that they can get marry and raise a family together.
Through life observations, I can conclude that for me personally, the process of mate selection is done solely for the reason of finding your true love. To find qualities in a person that you love and are compatible with, and to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with and be able to conjoin with them and live in the unity model of marriage.
So I believe, that the importance of dating and going out with different people is so one can find the qualities that they want and do not want in a partner. This way when the right mate does come along, one will know that that is the person they want to be with.
Unfortunately for some people, they resort to different practices of finding a mate by using things like the internet or phone services and so forth. Meeting people online or over the phone through different services seems to be very common in today’s society. I personally do not agree to this method, and find it highly risky and unsafe.
When you get help meeting people through services like instant messaging,
(c) Improvements for an Ideal Community
If I could make any improvements to create an ideal community that I would want to live in, I would have to say that I would hope that there wouldn’t be any standards or expectations. It is so common for our culture to praise celebrities for being pretty and physically fit that ordinary people put so much pressure on themselves to look like a celebrity. People pay so much money to look a certain way, whether it is the kind of makeup, clothes or purses women have to the hair styles and manicures.
Girls put pressure on themselves to look this way so that guys will find them more attractive. And guys have the pressure of getting a good job and making a lot of money to be able to support their girlfriends or wives. And when girls and boys do not reach these standards, it creates a low self-esteem.
I would want my ideal community to live with no expectations. Everyone is beautiful for who they are and what they may already have rather than what they can be or what they can buy to make them a better person. Maybe then, mate selection would not be as crucial. This way, people can select partners for other reason like compatibility and love, rather than stability and material reasons.
Overall, our society has set such a standard, that if you do not look a certain way or act a certain way, you won’t be acceptable as a desirable mate. Everyone deserves a chance to find love and be able to strive for and experience conjoining with their partner in a level of unity in marriage.
My Report on the Current Generation
First Student: Ashlee Matsui
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/matsui/matsui-409b-g25-report1.htm
Summary
I enjoyed reading Ashlee’s report 1. I thought she did a good job of explaining her complete understanding of anti-unity values. She chose to add a lot of the tables from our lecture notes as a helpful tool for future readers to be able to refer to them as they read about her topic. She also chose to give examples of how AUV’s are so common and can be found all around us. Whether we are watching our regular television show, a good movie that came out in theaters or even our favorite song on the radio or in the club, if we pay attention to them, they are filled with AUV’s.
The examples from the media that she chose to use were television shows like “Flavor of Love”, “Nip Tuck”, and “Desperate Housewives.” She explains that they are filled with AUV’s like being unfaithful, living together before being married, and even women dressing sexy to make their partners jealous.
Anyone who will come to read her report will be able to get a clear understanding of how common AUV’s are and how important it is to be able to acknowledge them so that one can prevent them from happening in their own relationships. Ashlee concluded that even though some of the concepts are difficult to grasp, she will continue to strive for a successful marriage for eternity.
Second Student: Michael Malala
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/malala/malala-409b-g25-report1.htm
Summary
I chose to do my second summary on Michael Malala because I thought it would be interesting to see the understanding of this topic from a male point of view. To summarize what he did for this report he looked at numerous reports from previous generations to see how they explained their understanding of anti unity values through the media. Most of the students that he chose looked at songs or movies that consisted of AUV’s.
He also gave examples of two television show, “Hogan Knows Best” and “Flavor of Love 2”. He used “Hogan Knows Best” to illustrate conjunctive behavior and talk. The Episode of “Flavor of Love2” was used to illustrate disjunctive behavior and talk. If you have ever seen these shows they are perfect examples of the two. He used these shows to see whether or not he was helping to support such bad practices of disjunctive behavior. However, he concluded that as long as people keep watching shows like these, the media will keep producing shows that degrade women and promote disjunctive behavior.
He finally concludes that he has learned a good understanding the unity model. He also realizes that it a hard process and takes time and effort. Both partners need to work together in order to strive for a unity model of marriage. However, he likes the equity model. He feels that husband and wife should have equal say and equal power. He doesn’t agree with the fact that his wife should be the “puppeteer” as he puts it.
Advice to Future Generations
As students will say over and over again, the biggest advice that we or I can give is to go into this class with an open mind. There is a lot of good information, that may come as surprising to you, but it really does make sense. By fully understanding the concepts that Dr. Leon James is offering you, you will be able to apply these concepts to your own personal relationship or even social interactions with friends, coworkers, or family.
In order for you to really succeed in class, it is important to attend class regularly, and keep up with your weekly outlines. By staying on top of your outlines and starting early on your reports, it will feel more like a learning experience rather than homework. It truly is an interesting topic that everyone can learn from and benefit from, but if you wait to the last minute to do the work it will not be enjoyable for you. You will be more worried about finishing on time, rather than fully grasping the concepts and learning from them.
My Home Page:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/hasegawa/hasegawa-home.htm
Class Home Page:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm