Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
It’s all coming together now
By Katie Ide
The instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 4, 6, 7, 10
The
question I am answering is Question 3
Select at least one student report on
marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as listed in the
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each of the selected reports.
Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
(c) Summarize what they say they gained
from doing their reports.
(d) How do their ideas influence what you
yourself think about these issues?
(e) Would it be useful to teach this course
to high school students? Explain.
I have chosen three reports by students in
generation 20, 21, and 22. For generation 20, I have chosen Brigitlynn
Duclos. For generation 21, I chose Chad Garhartt.
And finally for generation 22, I chose Heidi Nakamura.
Brigitlynn
Duclos report 3: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report3.htm
Summary
Brigitlynn started her report out with an introduction and
jumped quickly into analyzing class presentations and lecture discussions. She
discusses subjects such as women revolting, feminism wisdom, and the doctrine
of a wife for a husband. For all three ideas, she points out at least one thing
that she agrees with as well as a couple issues that she was either confused
about or didn’t agree with.
The next part of Brigitlynn’s report consisted of her describing the
definition of AUVs and what type of procedures she
followed in order for her to draw up a proposal for AUVs
on TV.
The shows she chose to use were Friends,
Everybody Loves Raymond, and the Simpsons. She
watched episodes from all three shows and used a checklist of AUvs to see how many she saw in each episode
Her findings were
that she found many AUVs in the shows, however she
didn’t find them in the characters themselves, and she found them in the show’s
plot and setting.
She developed a
scale from 1-5 rating the intensity of the AUV. If she rated a show with ones
or twos, it meant the couple in the show was close to achieving unity. If she
rated more fours or fives, which meant that the couple was further from
achieving the unity model of marriage.
With the show
friends, she was able to point out AUVs such as
Living together unmarried, having children out of wedlock, adopting the notion that
agreeing to disagreeing was acceptable in a relationship, promiscuity and bi-sexualism, same sex friends going out for fun without their
significant other, and the idea that one should accept their partner with their
faults and not try to change them.
With the show
Everybody loves Raymond, AUVs that were found
included, same sex friends going out without their significant other, separate
interests and hobbies accepted for partners, manipulating through deception,
the idea that one should accept their partner with their faults and not try to
change them, making it look normal that men have perks in a relationship with a
woman but women don’t get the same.
The Simpson’s had
many AUVs as well. Brigitlynn
pointed them out to be, promiscuity and bi-sexualism,
men only entertainment, separate interests and hobbies accepted for partners,
the idea that one should accept their partner with their faults and not try to
change them, and making it look like what women say isn’t important.
After pointing out
all the different AUVs found in the show, she goes on
to give examples in the episode to support her answer.
What Brigitlynn gained from this
report.
Brigitlynn said she gained a better understanding of why
today’s society has accepted the fact that men are dominant and women should be
submissive. She has been introduced to a new awareness that she will use when
it comes to deciding how she wants someone to treat her.
She made the point
that people don’t see relationships as they are depicted in the media as a big deal.
No one sees the big picture she says.
Brigitlynn also talks about secret messages men are trying to
get across when it comes to demonstrating this type of behavior towards women
and it has given her a better understanding of why so many of these messages
comes up in popular culture such as TV.
How do Brigitlynn’s opinions influence
my own thinking?
The way that Brigitlynn was able to point out so many different examples
regarding the different AUVs, I found to be quite
interesting. Instead of reading the list she had put down, she actually had
concrete evidence of where the AUVs appeared. I
thought that was awesome.
That was able to
tell me quite a bit about my own opinion of AUVs and
how they are portrayed in the media. Before learning about AUVs,
a television show was nothing new to me. It was just the same show.
However, now that
I’m aware of the different things that pop up in shows these days without even
knowing it, I’m more aware of what I’m watching and what message is trying to
be sent through the show.
I definitely agree with Brigetlynn
when she talks about not being able to see the big picture. We look at things
such as TV on such a minute scale, we need to back up and look at a wider
perspective
Would this be helpful to High School Kids?
Of course this
would be helpful to teach to high school kids. All high school kids do is watch
TV. Why not make an activity out of it while doing something that they like to
do. I’m sure they would be more willing to sit down and think about it more
since it’s a part of their daily routine.
It’s important to
educate kids about AUVs because so many messages can
be sent to them through the TV; it’s good to catch them early. We don’t want to
teach our kids that dominance is the accepted way of a relationship; we want
them to learn positive moral values that promote a healthy relationship and
long lasting friendships.
AUVs are everywhere and they are accepted as a social
norm. It’s important to teach about why it shouldn’t be a norm and how you can
change them into a positive role model.
Summary
In the second
question of
For question six,
He had to explain what the chart was trying to
explain, include brief explanations of each chart, and create another separate
chart with 20 different things he had to make up on his own.
The last part of
question six was to discuss the findings he came across and to calculate the
overlap. He also had to discuss how this method could be used to help couples
expand their understanding of their interaction
For question four,
The first section
of question four was the mode of talking, which he observed his parents in a
conversation, and he also used his own relationship to compare different
sections.
The second section
was conflicts and dealing with conflicts, third was father acting from mother,
and finally fourth was Sensorimotor Zones between
both couples.
After looking at
all the different sections,
He also concluded
that since he was no way ready to be in the unity model of marriage, him and
his girlfriend was adopting the equity model of marriage to call their own.
In question 13,
What did
How Chad’s opinions influence my own Ideas
To be completely
honest, I and
Would this be helpful to High School Kids?
I would say yes,
but at the age that they are at, it’s not really going to get past the first
level of mush they call for brains. I don’t think that it would really set in
the way that adults would want it to with high school kids. Kids now days don’t
really think about what kind of gender relationship they would like to have in
the future.
So the chances of
them being willing to break out a chart with 20 different behaviors, is
probably slim to none.
Heidi Nakamura Report 2 http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/nakamura/409b-g22-report2.htm
Heidi started out
with question number three, which asked her to look at a situation involving a
husband and wife that got along great. The couple did everything together but
whenever they have a disagreement, both of them show disrespect towards each
other and even hateful behavior.
Heidi had to look at why this occurred and
make her own conclusions to how it can be prevented
Heidi’s next
question was question number four. Heidi had to conduct a mini experiment where
she had to use different techniques to analyze interaction between couples such
as herself and her boyfriend or her parents. She had to describe her
situations, the methods she used to analyze it, and draw her own conclusions.
After that
question, Heidi had to make her own chart with 20 different Behavioral
Indicators of One's Relationship Model to demonstrate that she could put it
into her own words. She then had to calculate the percentage overlap with her
own chart and the one given on the website.
Heidi had chosen
to answer question number eight as well. She had to look at table five in the
lecture notes and then had to make observations about the three fold self of a
couple that she knew.
The last question
Heidi chose was the AUVs question. She picked three
programs and looked at the different AUVs that were
in the different episodes. She then had to make her own conclusions about the
shows and her reactions.
What Heidi gained from this report?
Well, it didn’t
really say what Heidi gained from her report. She didn’t really talk about it.
However just by looking at the amount of work she did, she probably gained a
lot.
I noticed she did
the most work when it came to the mini experiment she did. According to her
conclusions she was really able to understand the interaction between her
boyfriend and her. She was also able to point out different things in her
relationship that were related to the different behavioral indicators.
How Heidi’s Ideas have influenced my own thinking
Heidi talks about
how she thinks that so many AUVS are portrayed in the media because they want
to get a laugh out of people. I think this is definitely true. I was thinking the
same thing while writing my report one.
It’s the notion that people will go to any
ends just to get a shocked look or even a giggle out of the viewer. This is why
we have so many reality shows on nowadays. People want to see regular people
make an ass of themselves. If you think about it, it’s hilarious but all in all
it’s somewhat sad that that is what we watch on a daily basis
Should High School Kids learn about this?
I will say this
once more since I already said it while talking about
If they were to
sit down and read all of this information, I can almost guarantee that they
wouldn’t even make it past the introduction. Some of this stuff kids can relate
to, but probably not until they are in college.
The
question I am answering is Question 4
(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture
Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
it gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy
Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are these good instances of unity
values or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using Google to find
advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you
know of the unity model of marriage.
Read and discuss the article
Secret number 1
When it comes to
money, there is always going to be trouble in that department. I think it’s a
good idea for both spouses to give up their independent bank about and have
joint ones. After all once you get married, what is yours is mine starts to set
in. as soon as couples say I do, they are committed to saying “We” and “Us”.
Couples don’t need
to have separate accounts for the simple fact is; chances are they are going to
have to agree on everything they buy. I remember when my mother would come home
with 3 bags full of clothes, and my father would be furious.
Just for the
simple fact that he thought all of his hard earned money was going towards
shoes and leather purses.
When it talks
about how women should have their own accounts in order to gain empowerment in
the unity model of marriage, but yet they should show their statements to their
husbands whenever the husbands ask for it upon request.
That’s somewhat
puzzling to me. If a woman needs to be empowered in her own relationship by
having her own bank account, won’t that give her a sense of independence and
perhaps giving her the chance to stray away from her husband if she chooses to
do so?
When it comes to
the husband asking his wife to see the bank statement, that’s a sign of
dominance. If a man doesn’t trust his own wife to be doing something
responsible with her bank account, why are they even married.
I would think
according to the unity model of marriage, the man shouldn’t ask to see the
statement because he should already be confident about what she is doing with
the money.
The column says
separate accounts don’t have anything to do with trust; it has to do with the
woman living as an established citizen. I agree with that, for the simple fact
that women have a greater chance of falling into the poverty category sooner
than men do if their husband is to divorce them.
Yes, it is important for a woman to still have
that sense of comfort that she has something to fall back on, but I don’t think
its empowerment, I think it’s a cushion.
Secret number 2
The second secret
of the article is pretty self explanatory. In order to have a successful
marriage, a couple has to communicate effectively. The article talks about how
a husband needs to clarify things with his wife, and vice versa so mixed
signals aren’t sent back and forth.
It also talks
about how a husband needs to understand that a woman wants to communicate with
emotion and a connection, instead of just making sure everything is understood.
That’s the biggest thing the article points out in secret number 2.
Women also have to
be able to feel comfortable enough to ask their husband if they understand what
is being asked or said to them. If the husband doesn’t understand what his wife
wants, she will be sure to tell him so he will be able to accommodate her.
This is very
important. A lot of men fly off the handle and automatically take their own
assumptions to be correct. These assumptions are very far from the truth! Both
women and men have to be careful not to break the trust between open
communications. Once it is broken, it’s very difficult to get back.
Secret number 3
This portion of
the article points out that the little things do count and they add up over time,
both good and bad. Couples who constantly point out the little things that
irritate them will eventually find themselves with a spouse that is resentful
and angry. The more a spouse will pick on the other over minute issues, the
bigger the chance the spouse has of losing their cool one day.
Small rejections
and nagging will build a strong emotional wall between spouses and it’s a very
hard one to break down. This secret talks about how to keep that wall from
building. Compliment and praise your husband or wife on a daily basis. Be sure
to point out the little things that only you would notice. Being able to
compliment your spouse in public shows them how much value you hold to your
relationship with them.
It gives a sense
of pride to the person being complimented if they notice people on the outside
are looking at them being put on a pedestal and showered with praise and love.
The article asks both men and women to look at their patterns while hanging out
with their same sex friends.
It asks them to look at how much they
compliment their spouse while hanging out with friends. If they aren’t
complimenting or praising enough, think of things to say that will let their
spouse know that they truly value the relationship. It points out that words
are very powerful things and they should be used to empower your spouse instead
of belittle them
Are they good instances of Unity Values?
I would say yes,
they are good examples of unity values. The article talks about how you can
look at the issue from a non unity way, and from a unity way. The unity way of
approaching the issue makes so much more sense. There is also evidence of how
to adapt behavior according to the unity model of marriage and that particular
issue such as communication.
I believe you can
incorporate all of these values into unity without having to think too hard
about it. Communication, if a woman tells a man how she wants to be responded
to, the man should be more than willing to accommodate her and her needs for
stimulating communication that is full of emotion and connection.
Money is another
issue that can be unified. If wives want to have their own account in order to
feel like bigger people, then their husbands shouldn’t have a problem with it
because it is something that is boosting their wives self esteem. If it makes
their wife to feel like she has more power, then the husband shouldn’t want to
complain about it
Women loved to be
praised and complimented. It’s etched into their souls. I believe that if a man
is proud of his wife and loves her with everything he has, he will want to show
it to whoever he can whenever he can.
Making sure that
the wife feels like a princess 24/7 is an important thing for both the
relationship as well as individual self-esteem. This puts the couple even
closer to unity.
Advice found on Google
According to www.marriageadvice.com,
if a couple has lost the spark in their marriage, they should try dating again
since that’s where it all started in the first place. The article talks about
how couples should schedule regular date nights in order to keep the excitement
within their marriage.
The article talks
about how both the husband and wife should take turns picking the date. This
might be acceptable considering that when you are in the dating phase, you
haven’t been in unity, so you are still able to have that sense of independence
in yourself.
However, lets
just say that you need to be in unity while planning the dates since
technically, that’s where you are supposed to be regardless of if your “dating”
or not.
If I was to apply
this to the unity model of marriage, it would go a little something like this. If
a couple wants to have date nights, that’s not a problem. However, it’s going
to be something that the wife would want to do.
Men should want to go on dates and do things that their wives want to
do. For the simple fact of that it should be enough for the man to be content
with pleasing his wife.
This ultimately
means that men don’t get to go to a football game, or a sports bar as a date.
Most likely they will be attending gardening classes, going shopping at Bed
bath and beyond, and enjoying a candle light dinner at a musical.
These are all
things that husbands should be willing to do if they are in unity with their
wives. The article doesn’t talk about how only women should have the say of
what is planned for these “dates”. This goes to show that a lot of advice is
geared more towards the equity model of marriage.
The
question I am answering is Question 6
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of
the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two
types of loves as explained there.
(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex to
the idea of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find some
examples on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give full
reference).
Difference between the two types of love
I will first describe what the Love of the Sex is
and then how it differs from the Love of One Sex. With every action a person
does, all people have hellish traits and heavenly traits. When it comes to
putting “the love of the sex” into a category, it would fall under the
“Hellish” traits column. This also may be referred to as “roaming”. The words
that describe this type of sex include things such as, indiscriminant,
exploitative, promiscuous, and natural-sensuous.
The describing
words natural and sensuous are probably the most pertinent when it comes to
understanding the meaning of this form of sex. It’s important in the
description if a person was to find someone who was the love of one of the sex,
it would be like finding a four leaf clover in
Not many people have been introduced to the
topic because loving sex is a natural trait that is stretched across all
animals and humans alike. This sex is centered on physical, pleasure aspects,
and even the act itself. A person doesn’t exit this state of mind until they
have achieved conjugial love.
The love of the
sex in regards to the diagram is focused on people loving oneself for the sake
of themselves. They love the world for the sake of the world, loving them for
the sake of the world, and loving the world for themselves sake. Everything is
revolved around one person and that’s the only person that matters.
This type wouldn’t
affect the actual act of sex because thoughts, emotions and feelings are based
solely on the person’s gratifications. This love however is not conjunctive
between man and wife.
Obviously if the
person’s view of sex is solely upon themselves, there is no chance of unity
here. A couple will not be able to unite until each partner puts themselves
aside and decides to be committed to the other.
The
natural-sensuous state which lies within the Love of the sex can be seen as
non-exclusive, pleasurable, and pleasurable with many people. This type of sex
doesn’t have to be exclusive with just one person, but usually with a
significant partner.
When a person
enjoys sex anytime, anywhere, they are normally in the first stage of marriage.
A couple has to form a mental bond with each other in order to evolve into the
love of one of the sex.
The love of one of
the sex is the “heavenly” trait that is also called Conjugial
love. If you were to look the diagram, the words that are written describing
the type of love are marital, conjugial,
spiritual-sensuous.
A person must put
forth a lot of effort in a relationship in order to achieve spiritual-sensuous
state. It’s almost certain that there must be a mental coming together between
spouses in order to get the ball rolling towards a spiritual-sensuous state.
A couple learns to
love others for the sake of others. Selfishness is diminished within people.
The couple has now evolved from separate people to one mind in two different
physical beings. This state of mind helps couples build an image as if they
were one person.
The love of one of
the sex feels pleasurable with just ONE single person. If a person was to have
thoughts about another person while engaging in a sexual act rarely, or
regularly, it will damage the relationship. Thoughts of other people have to be
cut off from the mind and should never be allowed into the mind. Humans were
made to experience this type of love.
It’s interesting
to see that people were created for love of the sex, but were meant to become
Love one in the sex type of thinking. Humans are the only living things that
are able to achieve this greatness, animals aren’t so lucky.
What does
society think about today’s sex?
So they aren’t
able to learn how to become it. People these days view sex as a pop culture
icon. Sex is everywhere, on clothes, on TV, in magazines. The infamous line
“sex sells” says it all. Society has tried to capitalize on something that is
supposed to be beautiful and graceful, into something that is degrading,
raunchy, and in appropriate for those under the age of 18.
A perfect example
of this is when men drool over half naked women on Maxim, playboy, and other
porn magazines. Men are visual creatures and it’s only natural for them to want
something so perfect that looks like the greatest thing on paper. A lot of guys
think that it’s ok to fantasize as long as they don’t act upon it. This is a
definite no.
if a man is truly in love with his wife, he
shouldn’t even have the slightest thought about another woman, much less try to
justify himself by saying “well it’s not bad if I don’t ever do anything about
it” this is bad because one day, he will wake up and he won’t be able to fight
the urge anymore and end up making a huge mistake.
Women on the other
hand have tried to gain power with sex. Look at the women who are high paid
super stars in the porn industry. Some of these women have literally made a
career out of pleasuring men, and our country is more than happy to put them
behind a brand new BMW and hook them up with a 19 room house.
Women use sex as a tool to get things that
they want. They use it to get money, respect and other things that don’t think
they could achieve without showing just how pleasurable they really are.
Of course there is a downside to this; the
downside is the fact that women lose their self-worth, and self-respect while
in the sex industry. It’s a business that has a high price to pay, but our society
doesn’t care as long as she’s 5’9, fake boobs and a fake image.
Sex advice on the web
http://tangomag.com/tabid/89/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/163/Spiritual-Sex.aspx
I thought this
article was kind of cool. It’s one of the first articles I read in regards to
spiritual sex. The article talks about how people need to have a spiritual
sense in order to achieve a physical sense.
I like the way that they point out the fact
that it takes work and it doesn’t just happen over night. This means that the
article is not sugar coating anything to get people’s hopes up high.
The article talks
about how people need to have a spiritual acceptance in their life in order to
experience the true pleasure of sexuality. It also points out that when two
people are making love with their body, they are only making 1/3 amount of the
pleasure that they could be experiencing. The other 2/3 consists of spirit and
soul.
The author also
goes to point out how old the history of spiritual sex really is. They bring up
examples of the renaissance period, where people strived at being one with god
and therefore were able to make larger amounts of love with their partners.
http://www.theinstitute.org/sex.shtml
Wow, I actually
found an article regarding an actual institute that is dedicated to creating
workshops and hosting seminars regarding spiritual sex. The article touches base
with things such as sex and soul, sacred sexuality, four primary energies of
sex (Love, pleasure, Lingum, and Yoni); there is a
section on how to get couples to intertwine sexuality and their spirituality in
a comfortable manner.
There is also
advice on how to mend the “spiritual sexual split”, and how relationships
really fare when there is no sacred sexuality, and sexuality and higher
consciousness. Definitely a must read. The article has a lot of parallel points
from the reading.
The
question I am answering is Question 7
(a)
Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse within the Three Models in the
Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife
reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you
discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.
(b) Create a conversation between them that
exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the
conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever
explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note:
you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or
read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this
answer.)
(c) Analyze the
conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line
numbers to be specific.
Explaining in my own words, how the conversational style between
a husband and wife reflects what is going on in their intimacy part of the
relationship
The conversational style between me and women demonstrates what is
going on in the intimacy section of their relationship in various levels, at
the physical, mental and motivational level.
The way they speak to each other also gives others a great amount of
insight as to what they think and believe about each other.
If a husband and wife are able to talk about things openly and
completely honest while still being able to flow smoothly from one main point
to another without generating some sort of negative emotion, they are off to a
great start!
However, there is a flip side to this, if the couple is unable to
transition between points easy and without any kind of stress, then this means
there probably isn’t a lot of intimacy going on between them
Don’t get me wrong, all couples are going to have issues, but it’s
not a normal thing if a husband and wife ALWAYS disagree about something
without ever having a truce. If a couple is unable to understand the other’s
point of view without getting upset about it, then they have issues that they need
to resolve amongst themselves
The amount as well as the stage of conjunctive talk a husband and
wife are going to have will depend on how long they have been married, or even
how long they have known each other as friends, or boyfriend and girlfriend.
It’s more acceptable for
couples to have arguments and disagreements in the first part of their
relationship. This is the trial and error stage. They are testing each other
out, and seeing what one will put up with.
It’s important to keep in mind that everyone is different and
everyone has their own level of sensitivity. Couples come to learn what
conversations hold the most peace with each other and which conversations will
start an all out war between the two of them.
It
is a sure sign that a couple is not taking the time it is required to evolve as
an intimate couple if all they do is argue and disagree about things. They need
to discover the types of things that their spouse finds appealing and which
things hurt their feelings and make them feel resentful or angry. This means
that both people aren’t getting the level of intimacy they have the right to
experience as husband and wife.
Creating m y own conversation
1) John:
(Sitting on the couch watching TV) Hey babe, what are we doing tonight?
2) Julie: We’re
supposed to go to the carnival and then out to dinner I thought
4) John: Paul
called and said that it’s Josh’s last night in town so they all want to go out;
I was thinking they could come along
5) Julie: But
Babe, this was supposed to be our own date night and…
6) John
(Interrupting by sighing) babe, it’s his LAST NIGHT HERE!
7) Julie:
(Walks into the room) can’t you meet up with them later?
8) John: (still
watching TV, not paying attention to Julie) I don’t see what the big deal is
about them coming with us, it’s not like it’s a couples thing anyways
9) Julie: Yeah
but it was OUR couples thing….
10) John: Fine,
but I am always willing to let your girlfriends hang out with us when we go
out. Too bad you can’t do the same for me
11) Julie: Ok,
the boys can go; I just thought it would be a nice day with me and you
together.
12) John:
Honey, we will be together (Goes to Hug Julie)
Analyzing the
conversation
It’s clear that John doesn’t really care about his wife’s opinion,
that he already has it set that his friends are going to come along. Notice in
line 4, john says “I was thinking they could come along” he didn’t say
something like “Honey, would you mind if they came along” this means that he
doesn’t care what Julie is going to respond.
He automatically demands
that his guy friends are going to the carnival. He makes it like since he
“thought of it” Julie should respect him for coming up with the idea and
automatically say ok
In line 5, Julie tries to explain to her husband why she just
wants it to be the two of them going to the carnival, when john interrupts her
in line 6. This obviously means that john is on a one track mind and that he’s
only thinking about what he wants. Because he puts so much emphasis on “HIS
LAST NIGHT HERE” this shows that he is putting his friends a higher priority
than his wife.
In line 8, when Julie makes the effort to enter the room to talk
to her husband using eye contact to demonstrate how opposed to this idea she
is, john completely ignores her request for some intimacy in their
conversation.
His eyes are glued onto the
television while Julie is pretty much begging for some emotional attention.
John makes it a point again to belittle the fact that Julie wants to be a
couple for one day.
He points out “It’s not
like it’s a couple’s thing anyways” and when Julie goes to say it was OUR
couple’s thing, it causes John to throw a tantrum like a 5 year old and pout
and cross his arms.
In line 10, John pulls the guilt trip on Julie pointing out that
he always says ok when she wants her girlfriends to join them on an outing. He
makes Julie feel bad for wanting to have some one on one time with her husband.
Finally, Julie gives in in line 11 and says “ok”.
Right after she gives in, john rewards her by giving her a hug and reassuring
her that now that the boys get to go, it will be a “Couple” thing.
The
question I am answering is Question 10
(a) Explore
the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this
process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a
couple?
(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection
that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as
well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that
are popular.
(c) Can you think of improvements in these
practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is
practiced at its best?
Explanatory models of Mate selection
Even though males
and females seem to be looking for the same thing. The way they both go about
searching for a mate is completely different from each other. Males are visual creatures;
therefore they look for mates that are physically appealing.
Females on the other hand are designed to look
for men based on status, ability to care for children, and how well he will
protect her and her children. Females want to get the most that they can out of
a mate.
This is solely due
to the fact that women are limited to how many kids they can have. For guys,
they can have 30 kids across
Females need to
find a mate that is willing to get all the resources necessary for her to
survive and be able to raise her kids. This of course is where the famous term
gold-digger comes to mind. It’s generally thought that women look for success,
power, money, and ability to be provided for as a simple way to mooch off of
men in order to get away with not having a job.
My question is, is it really her fault if she
is genetically programmed to think that way?
Guys want a woman
who will be able to forward his genes on as many times possible. AKA, he’s
looking for a fertile Myrtle. Men look for signs such as long hair, big
breasts, soft skin, and other features that might signal high fertility rate.
Studies have
concluded that evolutionary mate choice was designated for humans to decrease
the variance of genes among people. If brothers and sisters reproduced, there
would be a greater chance of disease, deformities and health problems. This is
why purebred dogs often have a shorter lifespan and more health problems than
the mixed dog.
In a theoretical
study, 2 strategies that a person looks for a mate are similar interests,
attractiveness, and best available genes. It has often been said that mate
choice is a matter of being random.
However with today’s technology computer
models depict that random is not an option when it comes to choosing a mate.
Age, weight, race, education, status, physical features, personality are all
things that a person will consider when looking for the “one”
Humans consider
the face to be the main deciding factor of attractiveness. Facial
attractiveness is based on symmetry. The more symmetrical a person’s face is
the better chance they have of being found attractive by other people.
Computers have created formulas and have performed measurements on photos of
people’s faces. They computer measures the size of eyes, the distance from eyes
to nose, and other features to see how aligned everything is.
Current practices of mate selection
There are a couple
practices of mate selection that are very popular these days. Of course they
vary amongst women vs. men. Of course, due to technological advances, a lot of
people can look for their soul mate, from the comfort of their own home,
instead of venturing out to a bar or night club.
The Internet is
probably the most popular place to look for a mate. Websites such as www.hotornot.com
and www.myspace.com
are two sites that flourish with young and single people. Now I’m sure that not
all of the people on these sights are looking for a future husband or wife, but
they are looking for someone they can be attracted to. This could be
considered, ways to look for a potential mate.
Internet personals
are also another big trend. There are a million and one dating sites that all
guarantee the perfect match. But how can you be so sure? A lot of websites have
offered personality profiles and other tests and quizzes to make you think you
will be finding someone according to the information you submitted to the
website. Well the problem with this is the fact that people lie.
Not everyone is
telling the truth about their age, weight, occupation, or even their intentions
on the site. This has caused many problems with rapes, murders and other
crimes.
Internet dating is
safe to a certain extent and it’s the latest craze, but if someone really isn’t
into sitting behind a laptop flipping through pictures and profiles on
yahoo.personals.com there is always the one and only night club
Freshman year of
college I was all about going to the club and meeting guys and what not. It was
the happening spot. All the single guys were there to talk to, flirt with,
dance, and eventually exchange numbers.
The funny thing is
women go to meet guys to talk and get to know, guys have a totally different
perspective. Guys see women as wearing short skirts, a push up bra, and they
don’t even care if they find out your name, as long as they get to take you
home.
Improvements that are needed for mate selection Processes
Well just by listing
the current methods on what people are doing nowadays to look for a mate should
be enough said on what needs to improve. People need to start being real.
People don’t
realize that if you are yourself, there will be someone who appreciates that
and will love you for who you are. I always read that someone met someone off
of a dating website and then went to meet the person and they were totally
different then what the person had said they looked or acted like.
Another
improvement needed is that people aren’t going to solve their problems if they
meet people inside the walls of their home. People need to get out and be
social. I mean come on, how do you think our grandparents met each other, I’ll
tell you what, it wasn’t over myspace.
People think, well if I want to meet people I have to go to a bar. Not
true at all! I think people should go to the places that they like to hang out
at. That way they are killing two birds with one stone.
Not only will they
be in an environment that they are comfortable with, but they will be meeting
people with similar interests. This could be the bowling alley, a miniature
golf course, or even the beach.
My report
on the current generation
Dana Hasegawa report 1 http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/hasegawa/hasegawa-409b-g25-report1.htm
She started off her report by explaining how the anti-unity values
work to create separateness between a couple and their marriage. She also used
examples from her experience working in a child psychiatry office.
She talked about how she would watch parents argue but then later
agree to disagree instead of losing their cool in front of their kids as well
as other people. This might cause one to think that people do have larger
arguments; it’s just when it have them in the appropriate place at the
appropriate time.
I see myself doing this with the arguments I have quite
frequently. I’m not a fighter, I’d much rather walk away, calm down and then
talk about it in a mature manner. Unfortunately, sometimes I catch myself
blowing things out of proportion and I end up yelling or crying, or sometimes
both.
I try my best to hide the
fact that I don’t agree with the argument and all I’d like to do is to tell the
person a piece of my mind. But that’s not the way I was raised, so I guess my
morals have a lot to do with it and the way I was raised to handle conflict
have a lot to do with it.
I think a lot of women live with the image of that if they want to
talk about something that hurts their feelings or something that bothers them,
they will be brushed to the side and be told, that’s just the way it is, deal
with it.
I think it’s unfortunate
that that’s the main reason why women don’t stand up for themselves when deep
down in their heart they know it’s wrong and they know that they should say
something but are too scared to do so.
I believe that it is important for both husbands and wives to pick
and choose their battles. It would be more meaningful if two people were to
fight about one major thing once a year and be mad about it for a while, rather
than bicker and nag each other every day all day about stuff that doesn’t even
amount to a hill of beans. Learning when to button your lip and learning when
you need to be heard ought to be a course they teach in high school. It’s a
good lesson to learn.
Laura Moa report 1 http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-409b-g25-report1.htm
Laura begins her report with
listing the different AUV values. She then talks about how at the beginning of
a marriage, the couple is set in a natural level of marriage and then will
eventually progress (if everything is right) into the unity model of marriage.
She points out some
guidelines that need to happen in order for this to happen. The couple will
need to have complete harmony and be able to join at the three levels of self.
A woman needs to have a reason in order to conjoin with her man and the
different things that stand in the way of this happening are known as AUVs
Moving on to section B where
Laura reviews different student reports from prior generations. She first looks
at Carly and says that she felt that Carly was able to communicate her thoughts and feelings
about the AUVs in media easily. The second report she
commented on was Skip’s report.
Laura thought it was a new perspective to read
a males perspective on AUVs. Laura commented how she
thought that the choices he had made for his media evidence were right on
point, and she was grateful for his honest opinions. The third report she
looked at was Lauren’s. Laura thought Lauren did an awesome job with her
choices for AUVs.
Lauren chose the movie “The story of us” and
found that AUVS 4, 14, 19, 20, and 21 appeared during the duration of the film.
Lauren then goes on to describe the different scenes with the AUVs
The
fourth student Adriel chose music as her media choice
for her report. Adriel chose three different songs
and gave a narrative of the disjunctive behaviors found in the lyrics. Adriel concluded that not all pop culture songs are made
for young teenagers. Laura writes about her thoughts and opinion on this
subject. The last report was written by Cynthia who used three different
methods of AUVs in the media and was able to label
the different AUVs that were present.
Laura said that she enjoyed reading all of the
reports and felt that they gave her some ideas and encouragement on how to find
her own sources of media and how to analyze them more precisely. Laura talks
about how she wasn’t aware of how common negative stereotypes were until she
wrote this report.
The way gender is portrayed across
society has a great effect on people including Laura. With the media siding
with the dominance model, Laura was able to experience this behavior within
something that is very close to her, her family.
When small children and even
adolescents witness r-rated images in the media, it can have a permanent
effect. Laura’s findings came from a show called “Joan of Arcadia” and she was
able to conclude that the show has a lot of family interaction and the show is
able to show different marital issues regarding relationships. Laura then goes
on to give examples of conjunctive and disjunctive talk and behavior.
The second form of media she
chose was from “The way we were” and discovered that the two main characters
from the movie had fallen in love but they were unable to conjoin.
Because they were unable to
conjoin, they couldn’t conjoin at the cognitive and affective levels needed for
unity. The main female character Katie didn’t want to be submissive and was
labeled as too dominant. Laura interviewed her boyfriend and a friend to find
out if they had the same similar reactions and opinions.
Laura’s last section about
verbal interactions included the show “The Closer”. Laura concluded that it was
an accurate depiction the hurt and malice wrapped up in all of the drama that
disjunctive behavior can have on a real relationship.
Laura found pretty close to
all of the AUVs in this particular episode. Laura is
very intelligent and she demonstrated her knowledge of the unity model of
marriage and the use of AUVs in the media very well.
My advice to future
generations
Once again, here I am giving
advice to you the student that has been forced to read my 24 pages of sex,
marriage and love hub bub. My biggest suggestion to
you is this, DO NOT WAIT TO START YOUR REPORT. As soon as Dr. James gives you
the instructions, get right on it. I cannot stress this enough people!
You want to be on top of
your readings and presentations. Relax! The presentations aren’t that bad,
learn to have fun with it and find a method that makes you feel most
comfortable, if you get a little nervous speaking to a group
Be sure to be thinking about
questions to ask the presenter during their presentation, Dr. James is big on
question and discussion time after the presentations so be sure you’re ready to
fire one out there for everyone to answer.
Another piece of advice with
presentations, get to know your group members, exchange email addresses, phone
numbers, myspace addresses, whatever it takes to get
into sync with them so you can all plan a smooth presentation.
Be sure to test all of your
links on your outlines and your reports. This is very important; you will lose
points if you don’t have all working links so be sure to double check them
before you submit your outlines and reports
You will learn a lot about
how society wants us to be in a relationship, you will be able to point out
things in your own relationship that you can compare to your readings, and you
will have a better understanding of what needs to be done in order to have a
successful relationship.
Most of all have fun with
it! Make the most of this class and I promise you will leave the semester
saying “Wow, I never saw it that way!”
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-home.htm