Report 2:
The Unity Model of
Marriage
My Understanding of the Unity
Model of Marriage
By: Robyn Imose
The instructions for
this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering Questions
3, 4, 7, 8 and 10
The
question I am answering is questions #3
(a) Select at least
one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as
listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b) Summarize each
of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.
(c) Summarize what
they say they gained from doing their reports.
(d) How do their
ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
(e) Would it be useful to
teach this course to high school students? Explain.
(a) Student Reports
The student reports I am
selecting are from Generation 20 Suzanne Howard, from Generation 21 Shari
Arakawa-Longboy and from Generation 22 Hiroko Kikuchi.
(b) Summary of StudentÕs reports
Suzanne Howard
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report3.htm
This was SuzanneÕs third
report and it was titled ÒMy Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity
ValuesÓ. She first talks about her
previous report about gender relationships, which was very personal to
her. She has watched the third
season of Sex in the City and will be analyzing that show. She was part of Generation 20.
Suzanne first talks about
the three models of marriage and the three levels of the Unity Model of
Marriage, explaining each level and model. She then briefly summarized three studentsÕ reports from her
current generation Chris M., Jennifer Combs and Joshua Kent.
Next she summarized
three studentsÕ oral reports. These
students are Ryan Lau, Sayaka Kitamura and Jocelyn Hostetler.
Ryan Lau talked
about The Surrendered Wife vs. The Surrendered Husband By: Dr. James. There were some concepts that Ryan talked about that Suzanne
did not agree with. One of these were
the concept that ÒNot a single thing in a woman can be like a thing in a man,
and vice versa,Ó because she believed that men and women from her own
experiences had many things in common.
A concept that she did agree with was that when a man and women unite,
they become more perfect.
Sayaka KitamuraÕs
oral report was about Rage-Depression Survey Results-Gender By: Dr.
James. Suzanne analyzed some of
SayakaÕs survey questions and gave comments about them. Women were found to be higher in some
of the questions. These questions
were ÒHow much do you feel other peoples angerÓ and ÒHow often do you feel
compassion for someoneÓ. Whereas
men were higher in the question ÒHow often do you feel rageÓ. Suzanne questioned SayakaÕs information
claiming that we were not given enough information. The answers were given in a percentage and Suzanne wanted to
know what the percentage was, was it for the last week, month, year? But she did agree that women were more
conscious of others feelings in general.
Jocelyn HostetlerÕs
report was on Feminine Wisdom By: Erik Sandstrvm Sr. Which says that Masculine and Feminine
wisdom are equal but at the same time they are different. Suzanne agreed with this giving the
example that men are intellect-oriented and women are will-oriented. JocelynÕs report also talked about how
men and women receive different gifts from God and that is why we are different
and are reciprocal. That is why we
can form a union of conjugial love.
Suzanne also seemed to agree with this concept.
Suzanne next talked
about the AUV ratings on TV. She
first explained what AUVs were and explained that she watched the television
series Sex in the City to show us examples of many of the AUVs. Some of the examples that she shows us
are when both Carrie and Miranda were living with their boyfriends, this is
committing the AUV of living together unmarried. Another example of an AUV is when Carrie was having an
affair with a married man, this is committing the AUV of Adultery for various
reasons.
Suzanne then listed
all of the examples that she found and ranked each one on an AUV scale with 1
being the lowest and 5 being the highest anti-unity. She also gave the ranking 1-5 a description so that she
could more accurately rank the AUVs, she also tried out her system on other
television shows.
(c)
What she gained by doing this report.
Suzanne felt like
this report helped her to see what society sees as acceptable and
unacceptable. She also realized
that media sometimes is a way to make society be more accepting to certain
things. She felt that show like
Will and Grace and Sex in the City can be corruptive make it seem ok for
couples to commit AUVs. She also
felt like she had a greater awareness of the negative aspects of the media and
can protect herself from negative influences.
(d)
How this influences my thoughts
After doing my first
report on the same topic of AUVs, I also agree that the media can be very
negative and persuade audiences that many AUVs are acceptable. In some cases I feel that some of the
AUVs are not such bad things to do, where as some others I feel if committed
could be detrimental to the relationship.
One example is Adultery for various reasons, I feel that this is a very
strong AUV and if committed even once, could automatically end a relationship
on the spot in many cases. An
example of an AUV that I feel is not as strong is going out with friends
without your significant other. I
think I maybe feel this way because I am not married yet. So as for right now I do not see
anything wrong with me going out my girlfriends but I guess maybe I could feel
differently about it when IÕm married.
Shari
Arakawa-Longboy
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/report2.htm
Shari is part of
Generation 21 and did her report on ÒMy Understanding of the Unity Model of
MarriageÓ. She begins by
contrasting the views of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen in
Gender Issues, Dr. Laura Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands, and Dr. Leon James in The Doctrine of the Wife.
Shari explains that
there are three different models in which gender relationships take place,
Dominance Model, Equity Model and the Unity Model. She also explains that within each model are different
levels consisting of the sensorimotor, cognitive and affective level. Shari then associates each book with a
different model of marriage. The
Dominance Model of Marriage is reflected by Dr. LauraÕs book, the Equity Model
is seen in Deborah Tannen's book and the Unity Model of Marriage is reflected
in Dr. Leon JamesÕ work.
Next Shari reflected
on six students reports from Generation 20. The reports she looked at were, ÒAnnotated
BibliographyÓ by Ann, ÒAnnotated
BibliographyÓ by Brigitlynn Duclos, ÒMapping the Threefold Self in Gender
RelationshipsÓ by Jocelyn Hostetler, ÒEmotional Spin Cycle: Data Collection and
AnalysisÓ by Chris M, ÒMy Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values in
Gender BehaviorÓ by Jennifer Combs and ÒMy Proposal for TV Ratings on
Anti-Unity Values in Gender BehaviorÓ by Makana Liwai. Shari first summarized each report then
listed the methods used by each student.
She then wrote what she thought the student gained from the article and
what her opinion was on the article.
Shari next looked at
Table 6 in the Lecture notes in the section Making Field Observations. The table shows that the Unity model is
the most different from the other two models of marriage. She found that 75% of the answers
overlap between the dominance model and the equity model and only 20% of the
answers overlap between the equity model and the unity model. ShariÕs results help prove that the
Unity Model of Marriage is the hardest model to achieve.
Shari then did a
field experiment and recorded a couple that she is friends with. She followed the couple for a day and
when she analyzed the recording she found that they had an argument. After analyzing the conversation she
found that they clearly were in a dominant relationship. She said that they were defiantly not
in the unity model and barely in the equity model of marriage. She observed that the man in the relationship
was unwilling to compromise or understand the woman and was very resistant to
see her point of view.
(c)
What she gained by doing this report
Shari believed that
after doing this report she had a better understanding for the Unity Model of
Marriage and realized that she in her relationship had not achieved the Unity
Model yet, but she had a better understanding of how to get there. She did believe though that both the
husband and wife had to strive to be in unity and it was not only up to the
man. Shari also felt that doing
this report definitely had an impact on her relationship.
(d) How This Influences my thoughts
I agree with Shari
in that after learning about the Unity Model of Marriage it definitely impacts
the relationship you are in. I
started looking at my relationship differently and analyzing what my boyfriend
was doing and saying to me. It
does also make me realize that I do not have a unity relationship and that I
have to work very hard to get there.
Hiroko Kikuchi
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kikuchi/409b-g22-report2.htm
Hiroko Kikuchi was
part of Generation 22, this is a summary of her second report, which is titled
ÒMy Understanding of the Unity Model of MarriageÓ. The first thing Hiroko talks about is the question about a
couple that seem to get along well, but then fight and disrespect each
other. HirokoÕs reasoning for why
this happens is because they have not achieved the Unity Model of Marriage in
their relationship. She believes
that they are in the Equity model of marriage and will need to work harder to
achieve the Unity Model. She says
that they fight because the husband is still self-centered and has not given up
his ideas yet and that is why they are still in the equity stage.
The next question she
answers has her look at a table 6 in the lecture notes, which is on making
field observations. She explains
that this table shows the different phases a couple goes through and to find out
which model you are in, all you have to do is answer the questions that are
listed in the table. Hiroko then
created a similar table with questions that she made up. Then she calculated the overlap.
She found that
her table was similar to Dr. James table with the Unity phase having the least
in common with the other two phases.
She also felt like this table was very useful for couples to find out
which model they were in because it was so simple. All the couples have to do is answer yes or no to simple
questions about their relationships.
Hiroko then
talks about AUVs and decides to watch three different television shows,
Friends, Family Guy and Everybody Loves Raymond. All three shows committed many AUVs such as living together
without being married, having children out of wedlock, making each other
jealous on purpose and many more.
Hiroko said that she was very shocked to see so many AUVs in television
shows that she enjoyed and watched often.
Hiroko then
summarized 6 reports from prior generations. ÒGender Unity--Annotated
BibliographyÓ by Shortcake from Generation 20, ÒGender Unity--Applied ProjectÓ
by Jennifer Combs from Generation 20, ÒMy Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity
Values (AUV)Ó by Suzanne Howard from Generation 20, ÒMy Proposal for TV Ratings
on Anti-Unity Values (AUV)Ó by Brigitlynn Duclos from Generation 20, ÒMy
Proposal for TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values (AUV)Ó by Chris M from Generation
20, and ÔMy Understanding of the Unity Model of MarriageÓ by Cheryl Sabey from
Generation 21.
Hiroko concluded
that she found that while reading the one male report in the six reports she
choose, it was the report that she had the hardest time relating to. She said that it made her curious to
read other male reports to see if she would also have a hard time relating to
their reports as well. She overall
expressed that she enjoyed reading all the students reports.
Hiroko next did a
field observation on her neighbors Mr. and Mrs. Watanabe. After observing and talking with the
couple she concluded that they were mostly in the equity model of marriage and
sometimes dipping into both the dominance and unity models. I couple reasons why Mr. and Mrs.
Watanabe are unable to progress into the Unity Model of Marriage is because
there are certain things that Mr. Watanabe has not changed to be able to
conjoin to his wife. He will only
eat Asian foods and even though goes to Christian church with his wife, still
calls himself a Buddhist.
Hiroko next looked
at three presentations on the current generation. She chose Davis HanaiÕs presentation on ÒThe Unity Model of
Marriage, Section 18Ó by Dr. Leon James, Jennifer CoxÕs presentation on ÒThe
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Pages 124 -137Ó by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
and Kai Xia MaÕs presentation on ÒReferences 3, My Understanding of the Unity
Model of MarriageÓ by Jessica Lacy.
(c)
What She Gained by Doing This Report
After Hiroko did the
AUVs in the Media section of her report she wrote that she was surprised to see
how many AUVs were in the television shows that she watched often. She said that Friends, is one of
her favorite shows because she feels that she can relate to the characters, but
this make her realize that she is also committing AUVs in her life as well. She admits that she has been living
with her boyfriend for 3 years committing the AUV of Living Together Unmarried.
(d)
How this influences my thoughts
I can relate to
Hiroko because the television show Friends is also one of my all time
favorites. If I am in a bad mood
the show can always cheer me up. I
do agree with Hiroko that a reason why we like the show so much is because the
characters are people we can relate to.
I also can relate to Hiroko when she talks about realizing that she
herself is committing AUVs because I myself commit the same AUV that she
does. I think that means that
society is slowly evolving to where these concepts that were socially
unacceptable before are becoming more and more common. I believe that the media definitely has
an effect on what is slowing happening in our society.
(e)
Should we educate High School Students about the Unity Model of Marriage?
I think that is
would be a good idea to teach this model to high school students. If students learned about this model in
high school psychology classes, I believe that a much greater volume of
students will learn about it rather than it only being taught at the college
level for psychology majors. I
think that if this model is introduced at a very impressionable as such as
during high school, we might see more and more couples following the
model.
The
Question I am answering is Question #4
(a) Consider Section
21 in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values .
It gives a selection from an article titled
"Secrets to a Happy Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are these good
instances of unity values or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using
Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in
terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.
(a)
ÒSecrets to a Happy MarriageÓ
After reading the selection
from the article ÒSecrets to a Happy MarriageÓ, I thought overall the advice
given was good advice. Not all of
it was exactly correct according to the Unity Model of Marriage, but parts of
it were good instances to unity values.
I totally agree with the
first secret of not hiding money and accounts from each other. I feel that if you have to hide things,
why did you get married to that person in the first place. You should be able to trust that person
completely so why hide it. The
article does make good points that if one spouse were to get sick or have a
sudden unfortunate death, that money could be lost if the spouse does not even
know it exists. I also agree that
husbands and wives should be fully open and let the other know about anything
to do with money.
I do think though that it
could be easier for me to say this because I do not come from a wealthy
family. I mean, my family has
enough for ourselves to live on, and we probably fall into the average
household income bracket. So I can
understand that maybe there are couples out there that would have a harder time
with this if their family were wealthy, say like the owners of Wal-Mart or Bill
Gates etc. I can see how they
would be protective over the money that their family has worked hard for and is
afraid that someone could steal it away.
That's why things like pre-nuptial agreements exist. I know that there are people out there
who are labeled as Ògold diggersÓ and because of that people with money get
very defensive, protecting their money at all costs. But if you are that untrustworthy of your spouse, it just
proves that you are defiantly not in the Unity Model of Marriage.
For secret #2 of being a
skilled cryptographer, I believe that if you were not in the Unity Model of
Marriage, this definitely would be something you would want to be good at. I understand that men need their time
to unwind after work and need their space. Even though itÕs not Unity like to ignore your wife while
she it talking to you, I understand that it is something men need. I also agree that men and women do
speak in different languages and have to clarify to be sure that we understand
each other correctly.
Communication is also key to a good relationship and there must always
be open communication.
Secret #3 talks about
praising each other in public and in private. I also agree with this rule that praising each other is
good. I think that praising can
also be a form of appreciation which I think is very important in a
relationship. It is very easy to
talk bad about your husband after you have had a disagreement, but by doing
that you are slowly damaging your relationship with negativity because even
though you slowly forget the fights from the past, your friends may not.
(b) Are
these good instances of Unity Values?
For the first rule, which
is to not hide money from each other, I believe that it is a good example of a
unity value. In the Unity Model of
Marriage you should not be hiding anything from your spouse. Your spouse is your best friend and
closest confidant therefore there should not be any secrecy about money or
anything else for that matter.
Therefore I think that the first secret to a happy marriage is a unity
value.
The second rule is to be a
skilled cryptographer, this rule is not as strong a unity values as the first
rule. This rule states that you
have to read when your husband just wants to relax and not talk with you when
you want to. This is not unity
like, because if you want to talk about something, he should be more than
willing to listen, even though he would rather watch TV and unwind. Therefore that aspect of the rule is
not a unity value.
The rule later talks about
communication, to be clear and clarify yourself if you are being
misunderstood. I feel that this is
a good instance of a unity value.
Communication is important in any relationship especially one in the
Unity Model because the couple has gotten to that point by being open with each
other. Clarifying yourself when
you feel you are being misunderstood is very important, because if your point
did not get across and was misinterpreted, it could be very damaging to your
relationship. So open
communication and clarification is very much a unity value.
The last rule talks about
praise for your spouse in private and in public. I also think this is a unity values as long as it is
truthful and you are not making things up. Part of unity however is not only praising but also giving
objective feedback if something the husband is doing, the wife is not happy
with. Objective feedback is
explained as talking in ÒIÓ language rather than ÒYouÓ language. I feel that this is important because
when you talk in ÒYouÓ language the person can feel as if they are being
attacked. But talking in ÒIÓ
language is more like explaining why you need them to do something. For example, instead of saying
ÒYou always leave the toilet seat upÓ you can say ÒI would really appreciate it
if you would put the toilet seat downÓ.
(c) Analyzing advice from the Internet
http://experts.about.com/q/Questions-Marriage-Husband-864/need-help.htm
This website is in a
question and answer format. The
person giving advice is called an ÒExpertÓ her name is Vani. She has a Masters in Business
Administration and has Ò10 years of a blissful married lifeÓ. The woman who wrote to her is named
Harpreet and is having trouble trusting her husband. She says that she is terribly jealous anytime he speaks to another
women. She especially gets upset
when he talks to his brothers wife, because when she met her, she (his
brotherÕs wife) gave her a hard time.
Her husband thinks that she should forget about it because itÕs been
such a long time ago. She
expresses that she is suspicious all the time and feels like she is sick and is
desperately asking for some help.
Vani tells Harpreet that is
good that she realizes that there is a problem. She then says that if he has not done anything for her to
mistrust him she is just being insecure and in a happy marriage trust is key,
so donÕt ruin it all. She then
proceeds to tell her that to get rid of the feelings she should try to get
busy, take up a hobby, go jogging, do yoga etc., and with sometime sheÕll
forget about it. She also adds in
that if they had wanted to have children now would be a good time to try.
When I read VaniÕs advice
to Harpreet I was stunned. I could
not believe that she would set all the blame on her and none on the
husband. Vani tells her Òso donÕt
ruin itÓ, like her insecurities mean nothing. VaniÕs main advice to Harpreet is to get busy and find a
hobby, when really this will not fix her relationship with her husband because
she is not doing anything that's connected to the relationship. I also think that advising someone who
is insecure about her marriage that it is a good time to bring children into
the relationship is not smart. I
believe that the best atmosphere to bring children into is a stable loving
relationship, not an insecure and untrustworthy one.
From the Unity Model of
Marriage point of view, I would tell Harpreet that the reason why she is
feeling insecure is because her husband is not doing enough to conjoin with her
on all three levels therefore she does not trust him. We know this is probably the case because when she talked to
her husband about the problem, he said she should forget about it because it
was a long time ago. This shows
they are in the dominance model because he is dismissing her claim just because
time has passed and not addressing the issue she is trying to work out. I would tell her that she needs to
start communicating with her husband and get intimate with him on an emotional
level so that she can learn to trust him.
Only then will her insecurities disappear. I also would say that this is not her fault, it is his
because he obviously is not reassuring her that he only wants her and has no
interest in any other women.
The question I am answering is question #7
(a) Consider Section
17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the
conversational style between husband and wife reflects what is going on in the
intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you discuss the three models in
relation to conversational style.
(b) Create a
conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout
Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the
lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand
what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual
conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it
so it fits with this answer.)
(c) Analyze the
conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line
numbers to be specific.
(a) How
conversations reflect marriage relationship
You can get a sense of what
kind of model of marriage a couple is in by looking at their
conversations. There are sexy and
unsexy conversational styles of husbands.
When men respond with sexy conversational styles, women respond with
warming inner feelings to their husband or boyfriend. However if the man responds with unsexy conversational
styles, women feel an inner turn off or aversion towards the husband or boyfriend.
A sexy or unsexy
conversational style depends on if the husband or boyfriend is focusing on
himself, the topic or the wife or girlfriend. Focusing on himself is the least sexy style. This is usually the case in a dominance
model of marriage because the man does not care if he is speaking in a sexy or
unsexy conversational style. His
main focus is to control his wife and have sex with her. Therefore when in this model the
husband is constantly interrupting her, calling her names and not paying attention
to her when she is talking. Men in this model often joke that they are not
getting enough sex. Some
therapists in the dominance model of marriage such as Dr. Laura, encourage
wives to have sex even if they donÕt want to, leaving the women to feel like
she is being sexually blackmailed.
When the husband focuses on
the topic, this is still considered unsexy but is associated with the equity
model of marriage. In this model
of marriage the husband is still interrupting his wife and changes the topic from
where she wants to go to where he wants to go. He believes that her views are not as relevant to the topic
as his views, and he likes to defend his topics or views.
When the husband focuses on
the wife, his conversational style becomes sexy. In this style he tries to never talk in an unfriendly tone,
always appears genuinely interested in what she has to say, supports her
feelings and is involved in the conversation. He also feels as if his views do not matter as much as his
wifeÕs views. He also does not
disagree with her and creates a conversational atmosphere where his wife can
feel unoppressed, free and safe.
(b) Create
a conversation
Jenn and Nick are fighting
over the amount of time they spend together. Jenn feels that Nick could spend more of his free time with
her instead filling all his free time with his hobbies. During NickÕs free time he goes dirt
bike riding and cruises with his friends.
Nick has a job at a local restaurant so many of his nights are taken up
by working. Jenn feels fed up
because she never gets to do anything with Nick anymore. All he does in come home and sleep, and
Jenn feels like she deserves more of his time. This is the conversation they had about the subject.
1) Jenn: I
feel like IÕve been neglected lately and I want to do things together.
2) Nick:
What do you mean, I canÕt help that I work so much.
3) Jenn: I
know that you work a lot, but I feel that during your spare time we could do
stuff together.
4) Nick:
Well I hardly have any spare time.
And the time that I do have I enjoy going dirt bike riding.
5) Jenn: I
donÕt mind you going dirt bike riding, itÕs just that by the time you come
home, you are so tired that you just go to sleep. So even if you had the night off, itÕs wasted because you
are too tired to do anything.
6) Nick:
Well I am home every night arenÕt I?
7) Jenn:
Yes you are, but your friends come over, so I donÕt even get to spend
time with you because you are busy spending time with them.
8) Nick: I
donÕt see what is so wrong with wanting to go dirt bike riding and wanting to
spend time with my friends.
9) Jenn:
ThereÕs nothing wrong with that, itÕs just that that is all you spend
your free time on. And I just want
to spend time with you
too.
10)Nick:
Well I spend every night with you donÕt I?
11)Jenn:
Yes, but it is just sleeping.
I would like to go out and eat dinner somewhere or watch a movie. Go on a date.
12)Nick:
Well dinner is expensive arenÕt we trying to save money?
13)Jenn:
Yes, but we donÕt have to go anywhere expensive. I don't see what is so hard about
taking me on a dinner and a movie date.
14)Nick:
Okay, if itÕll make you happy, set a date and we can do something.
(c)
Analyzing the conversation
By Looking at this
conversation it seems that this couple is in the Dominance and Equity model of
marriage. Therefore the
boyfriendÕs style is still unsexy. Nick does not interrupt Jenn and because he
does not call her denigrating names it makes me believe that this couple is
more in the Equity model of marriage than the Dominance model of marriage. I am certain however that this couple
is not in the Unity model of marriage.
I know this because first of all, if they were in the Unity Model of
Marriage, they would not be having this fight in the first place because the
wife is put ahead of everything, so she would not have to fight to be placed
higher on his list of priorities.
Although Nick never calls
Jenn names or interrupts her he is always talking to defend his rights and
views. We see this in almost all
of his lines, he is always giving excuses to why he cannot do what she is
asking of him. He first claims
that he works a lot and does not have much spare time (line 2 and 4), he later
says that going out is expensive (line 12). He then defends what he is doing and does not see anything
wrong with it (line 8). Then in
the end he finally agrees to take her out and compromises with her (line
14).
This also shows us an
example of how the woman in the relationship is always trying to conjoin with
the man. We see that Jenn is only
fighting for their relationship, to be more intimate with him and to spend more
time together. She is trying to
save their relationship and is telling him exactly what she wants him to
do. Whereas he is just trying to
pull away and do things that does not include her.
The
question that I am answering is question #8
(a) In your own
words, describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the
couple's threefold self.
(b) Describe any difficulty
or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including
(i) the idea of a
unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal
significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg's
observations of marriages in heaven.
(c) Describe the
reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of
marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.
(d) How has the unity model
influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire
when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to
teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?
(a) The
Unity Model of Marriage
The Unity Model of Marriage
is made up of the threefold self.
The threefold self consists of the external sensorimotor stage, the
internal cognitive stage and the inmost affective stage. If a couple can go through all three
levels successfully the couple is then referred to as the Òconjoint selfÓ in
which they have achieved unity in all levels of the threefold self. The levels of unity are ordered from
external to internal, with sensorimotor being the most external to affective
being the most internal.
Couples begin their
relationship together from the sensorimotor stage. This stage includes talking to each other, eating together,
dancing, driving, doing things they both enjoy etc. Couples that are in the Dominance model of marriage often
are stuck in this level unable to get closer to each other to progress to the
next levels.
The next level is the
Cognitive stage, where the coupleÕs relationship grows deeper and more
meaningful and consists of how they think and feel for each other. This includes how they think, how they
reason, what they find acceptable or unacceptable, what information or
knowledge that they have etc. When
a couple achieves this level of intimacy they can love each other more deeply
then they have been in the sensorimotor level. Couples who are in the Equity Model of marriage often are in
this level.
The inmost and final level
is the affective stage where couples can love even more deeply than in the
cognitive stage. This stage also
includes their feelings, motivations, loves, goals of happiness and
togetherness etc. In order for
couples to achieve this kind of unity with their wife, they must give up their
individual self and conjoin with his wife on all levels. This means he must respect her and her
thoughts and beliefs. He must
always do as she wishes and is willing to do anything to make her and keep her
happy.
(b) Any
difficulties accepting the Unity Model of Marriage or its origins?
Our first assignment
in this class was to read some of the prior generations reports. At that time what caught my eye was the
end section labeled ÒAdvice to Future GenerationsÓ. Many of the reports I read all said the same thing, to keep
an open mind when learning about the concepts and not to procrastinate. So my first thought was keep an open
mind to what? It really made me
wonder what was going to be so far from the norm that everyone kept saying to
just go with it and keep an open mind.
After learning about
the Unity Model of Marriage and how it was created, I think they only thing
that I had a hard time grasping onto was the idea that Emanuel Swedenborg was
able to live in the spirit world and the present world simultaneously. IÕm not very religious, but I see how
people believe in things that seem rationally impossible. Many people around the world believe
without a doubt that Jesus was resurrected from the dead. Therefore I donÕt think that believing
that Swedenborg was able to live in both worlds is too different than believing
that Jesus came back from the dead.
Therefore I can keep a positive bias and believe that maybe it did
happen.
As for marriages
lasting for eternity, I would hope that they do. Maybe not all marriages, but I hope to find someone that I
will believe is my soul mate and if I do I would love to spend the rest of
eternity with him. I also think
that if a couple and find the happiness that being in the Unity Model of
Marriage should bring, I can believe that they may be in a higher state of life
then others. IÕm sure they
probably will feel in a higher state because of the happiness that the couple
will share.
(c) What
my friends thought
When I explained the Unity
Model of Marriage to my best friend, she thought it was a great model and
wanted to know how she would get her boyfriend to be in that model. She loved the idea that he would have
to conjoin to her, cherish her for who she is and respect her feelings more
than his own. She also liked the
idea that the marriage would last for eternity. She felt that if her boyfriend ends up being the one (which
she thinks he is), then she definitely wants to be with him forever. When I explained about Swedenborg and
him living in both worlds at the same time, she did find that a little hard to
believe, but I think she was so caught up in the fact that if in the unity
model everything would be her way, she kind of forgot about Swedenborg.
I had talked with my
boyfriend about this model before while doing one of my oral reports. He liked the idea that marriages would
last forever. He felt that the
person you marry is supposed to be your best friend and soul mate so he would
like to be with her forever. When
I explained about the other aspects in the model he did not agree as much. He felt as if the Unity model was the
dominance model reversed. He could
not see how the unity model was not just the wife being dominant over the
husband. I think he just is not
ready to give up his independence.
Hopefully one day heÕll change his view of the model.
(d) My Opinions on the Unity Model
I believed that learning
about the Unity Model of Marriage has affected my thinking. When I watch television or read things
I can see how women can be manipulated into believing that the dominance model
of marriage is still the most acceptable model of marriage. After taking this class I feel as if I
would not tolerate being in a dominance model of marriage because I know that I
deserve to be respected and my ideas are supposed to be taken into
consideration. I am hoping that
slowly less and less couples will be in the dominance model of marriage because
I feel that it mistreats women.
I think that my class
members had benefited from studying this model because now we all know that
there are more models out there for us to have our relationship be in. This is not just a male dominated world
anymore and to have a model of marriage that shows that women can be so important
to a man that he gives up everything for her, can be a womenÕs dream come
true. I think that even if others
donÕt agree with the model at least they were exposed to it so that they can
make up their own mind whether they want to aim to have that kind or
relationship or not.
I think how we learned the
Unity Model this semester was effective.
I liked how we were able to compare and contrast the model to two other
popular models of marriages that many couples have in their relationships. Comparing the model to the Dominance
and the Equity Model really helped me to see how different and unique the Unity
Model of Marriage is. I also think
that all the tables were helpful in trying to understand the differences
between the models.
When teaching this model to
couples, we should first determine which model of marriage they are currently
functioning in, then go from there.
If they are in the dominance model, explain about the dominance model,
then about the equity and then finally about the unity model. I think people will listen if they
believe that they as a couple could be happier functioning in a higher model of
marriage. I think that it would be
desirable to mention the Unity model of marriage in high school psychology
classes just to start to expose the students to another option in
relationships. That way if
students are interested in the model, they can learn more about it in
college.
The question I am answering is question #10
(a) Explore the Web
and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process
supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?
(b) Describe the
current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already
know from your life observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or
other online type activities that are popular.
(c) Can you think of
improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which
mate selection is practiced at its best?
(a) Mate Selection
From taking previous
psychology classes such as Human Sexuality and Social Psychology, we learned
about mate selection and what each sex looks for in the opposite sex. First was having what is called
parental investment. Women
typically have a higher parental investment. Because in order to mate and reproduce the female has to
give a lot more into the making for the child. She carries it for nine months and in most cases nurses the
child after it is born. For male
all he has to do is contribute the sperm.
After that everything that he does involving the child is purely
voluntary.
For this reason women can
be more choosy when picking a mate, because she has a higher investment in the
offspring. Where as men just want
to spread their genes to as many people as possible. Women look for a man who is willing to invest in her and her
offspring. Someone who will help
to ensure the survival of her offspring and is willing to invest in them. Where as men are looking for young
fertile females to spread their genes to.
They want fertile young females because then there is more of a chance
of reproduction and therefore more of a chance their genes will be spread.
Men and women both want
healthy mates, there are a few ways to determining this. The man looks for a young fertile
healthy female, some indicators of this is full lips, clear skin and
symmetry. As for the female she
looks for a man with healthy skin, symmetrical strong features and a strong
body so he will be able to protect his family.
(b)
Current Mate Selection Practices
Currently survival is not
as hard as it once was, therefore our mate selection practices has in some ways
changed. It is true that we
currently as women still look for a mate that is going to invest in us and as a
man looks for a healthy women to reproduce with. But that is not the only thing we look for anymore. Personalities and the coupleÕs
relationship to each other matter more now than it probably ever did. I believe that is why the divorce rate
is high presently. Before as along
as the husband invested and the wife gave offspring, it was a good mate
selection. But now we see so many
divorces because the couples just cannot get along.
I think currently a big
part of mate selection is attraction.
Attraction includes everything from physical features to
personalities. Sometimes two
people just ÒclickÓ and that is what makes them fall in love. Other times it's the looks that makes
two people fall in love, which in most cases turns out to be more lust, which
sometimes burns out quickly.
Currently there are many
online dating services in which you create a profile and try to find someone
you are compatible with. I donÕt
have any first hand experience with this, but IÕve seen commercials such as
eharmony.com and match.com and it seems that if that type of dating service has
worked for them. I think that a
lot of people now days meet their significant other by chance, or through
friends. Sometimes you go out to a
club and meet new people, or sometimes you met friends of friends and by chance
you find someone you are attracted to.
That is why I think clubbing is popular right now, many young people go
to the clubs on the chance that they might meet someone.
(c) Ideal
Mate Selection
I think that it is hard to
think of an alternative better practice of mate selection. Right now people want to find not only
a healthy mate but someone they personally connect to. I think that online dating services has
the right idea of matching people up to other people that they are compatible
with because research has shown that if two people have things in common and
are compatible, it makes for a longer relationship. I do think that media has
had a bad influence on how people choose their mate. For example the skinny models that started to be the trend,
made girls feel like in order to be loved they had to be thin as well. This was very bad on society and
harmful to the women that were affected by it. If media did not play such a big role in what we are looking
for and if people did not judge so much by the outward appearances, I think
mate selection would be better.
My Report on the Current Generation
Dayna Hasegawa
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/hasegawa/hasegawa-409b-g25-report1.htm
Dayna starts off her report
by explaining what AUVs are in relation to the Unity Model of Marriage. She mentions that if a couple has AUVs
in their relationship it can create negative feelings in their relationship
therefore the AUVs should be addressed at once. She explained that AUVs go against everything that the Unity
Model of Marriage stands for.
In the next section of her
report, Dayna summarized 5 different reports they were by Karly Kanemaru, Skip
Saito, Lauren Buchner, Adriel Stipek and Cynthia Adams. Dayna talked about each report
separately, summarizing what point they were trying to make, then discussing
what methods they used to describe to us AUVs, then her thoughts on the report. She seemed to have enjoyed reading all
of the reports and she agreed or could relate to what they all were trying to
say.
Dayna then talked about
three different television shows 7th Heaven, Gilmore Girls and the
MTV reality show the Dual. She
briefly described the shows then explained what had been going on in recent
episodes. I thought she was very
clear when she did this, it was easy to understand the situations and
relationships that were going on in the shows.
Dayna then proceeded to
talk about the different shows as regards to conjunctive vs. disjunctive talk
and behavior. She made a table
with two columns one with conjunctive talk and behavior and the other with
disjunctive talk and behavior. She
then listed the three shows and listed all the conjunctive and disjunctive talk
and behavior that was portrayed in the shows.
Dayna explained that she at
first thought that she would find an equal amount of conjunctive talk and
behavior and disjunctive talk and behaviors, but what she found was the the
shows she was watching had far more disjunctive talk and behavior then
conjunctive. She explained that
before learning about AUVs she would not have noticed them in the shows, but
now that she has she can spot them quite easily. She thinks that the reason for so much disjunctive talk and
behavior in the media is because it makes good TV. She felt that people are drawn to watching couples with
relationships that are not their own.
She also felt that the negative media image will be harmful to our kids
and might cause them to not have successful marriages therefore we need to
teach them to be aware of AUVs.
For the next part of the
report Dayna analyzed to song ÒYouÕre the one that I wantÓ from the movie
Grease. From the lyrics to the
song, she concluded that the couple was on their way to the Unity Model of
Marriage because they both were willing to change for each other. They also realize that to be happy
together they need to stop thinking individually and start thinking for the
well being of each other.
The next show Dayna
analyzed was the television reality show Miami Ink. She included a conversation between a worker named Yogi and
his wife Bridget. Dayna explains
that they are clearly in the Dominance model of marriage because its classic
dominance roles. With the husband
going to work and making the money and the wife staying home with the
kids. Yogi also shows dominance
when his wife starts telling him how she is feeling and he makes excuses and
tells her to go home. Dayna felt
that Yogi needed to start thinking of his relationship with his wife and not
only about providing for her, and if he did not, they would be stuck in the
dominance model of marriage.
I enjoyed reading Dayna
report, it was well written and easy to understand. I also was somewhat familiar with all of the television
shows that she picked so I think I was able to more easily understand the
situations that she was trying to explain. I agree with her finding that there is a lot more
disjunctive talk and behavior in the media because while doing my own report 1
I found the same thing. I also agree that we need to educate
our children about AUVs because if we donÕt they probably will have a hard time
having a successful relationship.
Crystal Bulda
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-409b-g25-report1.htm
Crystal starts off her
report talking about AUVs in relation to the Unity Model of Marriage. She briefly describes the Unity model
and talks about a couple individual AUVs.
She felt like she saw a lot of the AUV going with same sex friends for
entertainment without their partners.
She felt like this could be negative on a relationship because you are
trying to get independence knowing that they cannot control or influence you
because they are not there.
Crystal then summarized the
reports by Karly Kanemaru, Skip Saito, Lauren Buchner, Adriel Stipek and
Cynthia Adams. She explained about
what each student did in his or her report and then gave feed back. She agreed with the students on their
picks and I believe was surprised at times to discover all the AUVs in songs
that she had liked to listen to.
She also felt that the degrading of women in the media is likely to help
influence a dominant society.
When discussing conjunctive
and disjunctive talk and behavior she used two television shows, Everybody
Loves Raymond and the Family Guy.
She briefly described each show and talked about the conjunctive and
disjunctive talk and behaviors in each.
In Everybody Loves Raymond, they are in a Dominance Model of Marriage
with Ray going to work and Deborah staying home with the kids and taking care
of the house. It was good to see
that even though Ray and Deborah are in the Dominance Model of Marriage, she
found examples of conjunctive talk and behavior as well in the show.
The next show she picked is
called the Family Guy, which is a cartoon about a typical family. There is a husband and wife with three
kids and a dog. She concluded that
in this television show the husband and wife Peter and Louis also had a
Dominance marriage although it was not as clear right from the beginning. She felt that the dominance model
of marriage was visible everywhere without us really knowing it. She felt that the media is telling us
to accept the dominance model of marriage because of this it because harder for
couples to achieve the Unity Model of Marriage.
In the next section of her
report on Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive verbal interactions, she choose to
examine the book the Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. Crystal showed us both conjunctive and disjunctive verbal
interactions in the book. This
personally surprised me because I am a fan of this author, having read the
majority of his books. I always
felt as if he would create the most perfect men characters that were kind and
thoughtful and perfect husbands or boyfriends. But I now see after learning about the Unity Model of
marriage that I was just blinded before and see know that there are disjunctive
talk in his books as well.
I think that Crystal did a
good job explaining all of her points about conjunctive and disjunctive talk
and behaviors. She described the
shows well so that I understood what was going on in the particular scenes she
was talking about. I agree with
her that having so much dominance in the media makes it more acceptable in
society and that is bad. When I
first read about the AUV same sex entertainment without their partners, I did
not think that was such a bad thing to do. But after reading her explanation of why it can be a hellish
act I am starting to see her point.
Going out without your partner does give you independence, which you
probably wanted therefore, is not contributing to being in the unity model
because to get there we have to give up our independence.
Advice to Future Generations
My advice to future
generations is to keep an open mind.
Do all the readings because it really helps to understand the concepts
and the different models of marriages that you will learn about. The readings were also pretty
interesting. I think I learned a
lot in this class about myself and about relationships in general. I learned not to let the media affect
you so much because some of the things the media portrays are harmful to
relationships.
My best advice to you is to
start the reports early. Dr. James
posts the instructions a good month before the report is due and it is for good
reason that he gives us that much time to do it. The reports take a lot of thinking and some research
therefore you should really give yourself enough time so you donÕt stress out
in the end. Trust me, start early.
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/imose/imose-home.htm
G25 Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm