Report 1

My Field Observations of Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse and Behavior in Couples

By Paige Kim

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report1.htm

G25 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm

Section A: AUVs in the Media

This table is from:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209

Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:

Living together unmarried
Having children out of wedlock
Making each other jealous on purpose
Adultery for various reasons
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
Sexy dressing for men other than one’s partner
Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner of in competition for certain things
Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one’s partner (or other reason)
Separate interests and activities accepted for partners
Manipulating partner through deception
Accepting the idea that it’s OK to “agree to disagree” about some things
Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
Girls only or boys only entertainment
Acceptance of the idea that men are more important
Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women
Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
Making it look normal for a man to exploit women
Making it look normal for a man to abuse women
Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
Making it look like what women say and think as less important
Accepting the idea that a man does not need to “grovel” when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being “unreasonable” etc.)

AUVs in relation to the unity model of marriage

AUVs are detrimental to a marriage, according to the unity model of marriage. These actions push your marriage away from achieving the “conjoint self.” Conjoint self is only achieved when a husband and wife achieve unity at all levels of the threefold self (sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective). AUVs display independent external and internal behavior, which goes against the conjoint self, since you are not unifying with your spouse but rather remaining the same, an independent individual.

Section B: Findings of a Prior Generation

G24, Report 1: Carly Kanemaru

I think Carly Kanemaru did an excellent job at choosing good examples in the media to display the anti-unity values presented in the table above (in Section A). The media she chose included the movie “Unfaithful,” as well as the songs “Big Pimpin” by Jay Z and “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr. All three displayed AUVs, in a very blunt and straightforward way.

“Unfaithful” and “Secret lovers”, she concluded, had the same message of devaluing the concept of a marriage, thus going against unity. Both of these media choices depict a bond between a spouse and someone other than their husband/wife. When choosing someone other than your husband/wife, she believes that the spouse will be emotionally, mentally, and physically betrayed.

Although I have not seen the movie “Unfaithful”, just from watching the previews a few years ago, I had strong initial reactions against the woman in this movie. I thought it was horrible how she could be so selfish, hurtful, etc. My reaction was much like Carly’s friends reactions. However, after taking this course, I agree with Carly that movies do depict women in a derogatory way. What is especially upsetting is that we are brought up to believe these myths, and we accept it. In relationship to this movie, a myth that we tend to believe is that women are flirtatious and try to gain attention and love from other men (besides her husband). While this could be true, in some cases, it is generally not the trend. The Unity Model of Marriage has helped me to realize that women are always trying to achieve unity. It is men that gravitate to independence, as a way to reinforce their dominance towards women.

I also agree with her findings about “Secret lovers.” Her findings concluded that this song displays the AUV of choosing a person over your spouse. I have personally heard this song numerous times but did not know that it was about an affair (a good example of how oblivious I am)! You really do look differently at songs when the lyrics are presented in front of you!! After looking at the lyrics, I agree that it is a good example of promoting an anti-unity marriage. It gives us the message that promiscuity is okay and it is something that “is wrong but feels so right.”

Her last song she analyzed was “Big Pimpin” by Jay Z. Her conclusions was that this song depicted women as inferior to men and that it is okay to dominate women. This song analysis was especially eye opening to me. I have to admit I am guilty of not only listening to this song, but also actually enjoying it! Carly’s friends agree with me that when you have a good beat; you can overlook the negative biases the song projects. However, after understanding the Unity model of marriage, the lyrics of “Big Pimpin” is especially hard to swallow. It is unbelievable how many derogatory inferences to women are made in this song. Women are seen as objects and things that can be “owned.” I agree with her friend Yukie that it is just a song, but then why would you want to support a message you don’t agree with?

Carly also chose three self-help marriage books. These books were either presented in the dominance model or the equity model and all presented AUVs. I have seen the same information from these three marriage help books in a variety of other books. The same messages are repeated. Messages such as “fighting is okay and natural,” “men are from Mars and women are from Venus,” and “marriage is an equal opportunity.” All of these messages do not promote the Unity Model of marriage but are commonplace stereotypes that are in every self-help marriage book.

Carly Kanemaru’s overall conclusion to anti-unity values is that these beliefs are ingrained in us. AUVs devalue women and project a negative stereotype as well as false information about women. I definitely agree with this thought. We tend to overlook a lot of things in the media because we think it is only entertaining us, rather than educating us. But media does educate us, and if we are not careful, we are subject to learning the wrong information.

G24, Report 1: Skip Saito

Skip Saito chose the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” to analyze, and the songs “Jealousy Woes II” by Eminem, and “Confessions” by Usher. These three media choices also presented AUVs in a straightforward way.

“Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is a movie based on deception and lying. There is not one second where the husband or wife tells each other the truth. I have watched this movie so I followed Skip’s description of AUVs very easily. He made a good point that the deception within their marriage was creating a “space” between them. He also pointed out a good observation in the scene where Mrs. Smith purchases curtains, despite her husband’s wishes to discuss the color first. Mr. Smith argues with his wife but Skip made the point that the Unity model of marriage is wife-centric and this disagreement was unnecessary.

When his friends were analyzing the movie, there was a mix between opinions. Skip’s guy friends didn’t understand why they would have to listen to their wives decisions (the case of the curtains in the movie). On the other hand, the girls were excited, if not too excited, Skip argues. He mentioned that girls might try to abuse this model and get married for the wrong reasons. I found this particularly funny because coming from me, a woman, this is not the case. I would not marry just so I can “abuse” the Unity model of marriage. And what is to say that men don’t marry women because they can dominate and empower them? Isn’t this abusing the concept of marriage as well? I believe that this is what is going on in present time, that men are abusing marriage vows. This part of Skip’s report I did not agree with.

The first song that Skip analyzed was Eminem’s “Jealousy Woes II.” I am very familiar with Eminem’s work and a lot of his songs do display AUVs as I look back on it now. This particular song is all about jealousy. Jealousy within a marriage only shows the insecurity and distrust a person has to their spouse. This song illustrates jealousy perfectly. In this song, the wife cheats on the husband no matter how much he takes care of her and she does it in an act of retaliation. He is ended up feeling jealous and wondering what he did to deserve this. But the conclusion of the song ends up that the ex-wife “hunts him down” because he has a bigger wallet size.

This song is all about AUVs. Eminem, I feel, is trying to make the man look like the innocent one but it is hard to agree with this when the man is saying things like “Cause every accusation makes me wanna smack your face in.” The hostility and anger in this sentence is frightening. I have listened to many other songs by Eminem and this is the case in a lot of his songs. He uses a lot of hostility within his lyrics, and most of them are directed towards women. Eminem is a good example of an artist promoting AUVs.

Skip Saito finished off his report with referencing a few websites, which provide counseling for your partner in marriage. Surprisingly, he found a book that promotes the unity model of marriage. This book was found on www.amazon.com. This book is titled “The husband book guy’s guide to marriage.” Skip claims this book promotes that men should change in a marriage. However, I am very skeptical to believe this until I actually read the book. It seems impossible for a book to be completely on the side of the unity model of marriage since it seems that almost everyone is stuck in a dominance or equity model in his or her relationship.

Skip’s overall conclusion to AUVs is that he believes in some components of it, but not all. He does not agree with AUV #13 (it’s ok to “agree to disagree”) because he believes that there are couples that need disagreements. I don’t necessarily think that people need disagreements; it’s just something that is inevitable in relationships that are in the dominance and equity model. It’s also something that we are raised to believe is okay. But if your relationship progresses to unification, disagreements are a thing of the past and you are that much more connected on a cognitive level.

My thoughts about gender relations in the media

I have not thought about portrayal of gender relations before. I kind of just sit there, absorb it, and not really think into what ideas are being projected to me yet I am unconsciously giving in to the stereotypes. But after this class, I now see how important it is for everyone to realize what we are watching and what messages it is imposing. I think a lot of people are like me and very vulnerable to accepting stereotypes without realizing it.

How is this relevant to my own interactions at home or at work?

This is relevant to my own interactions in everyday life because I now can classify who is stuck in the dominant or equity model of marriage! Just from a few interactions with couples, I can classify what model they are in. For example, I baby-sit for a lot of different families and it’s sad to see how many wives are stuck in the dominant model of marriage. It’s not just something we see in television or in movies but it is in reality for a lot (if not most) people in marriages. One repetitive behavior I see from these housewives I baby-sit for is how they succumb to the needs of their husbands, but they obviously do it unwillingly because they complain to me about their husbands’ behaviors. Or another thing I see very frequently is how they do activities without their spouse. One woman complained to me how her husband goes surfing everyday during his lunch break with friends. She said her husband knows that she is free during this time (since the kids are at school) but he never invites her out. This makes her frustrated and lonely.

The effects of these portrayals on young girls and boys

I think the media does affect young girls and boys into thinking that all relationships should be like this. Especially when they use attractive actors and actresses, young girls and boys are going to try to relate with them by treating them as role models. I know when I was younger, I looked up to the people I watched on television and I wanted to be exactly like them. I believe that young girls and boys are still easily persuaded by the media, as I once was.

Websites confirming some of my conclusions

Website 1 This was an article about research on the effects of media violence. The conclusions were that exposure to media violence causes children to behave more aggressively. Different researchers had different conclusions as to why this is. One researcher believes that children imitate actions of media heroes. In the end of this research article, it concludes that family attitudes and social class are stronger determinants of attitudes towards aggression than the exposure to television.

Although this was specifically about general violence, I still thought it pertained to my conclusions. I believe that children do imitate what they see on television. Children see actors and actresses as good people to imitate because they have lots of money, or they are funny, or popular. In the case of violence, children imitate violent behaviors. This could be the same for imitating relationship models. Many children would find it “cool’ to be in a relationship like they see on television (maybe the husband is cute, or they want a house like the spouses’ on television have). There could be a lot of different factors to why they would want to be like the people on television.

Website 2 This was a really good article on television in American culture. They used examples of media like “Everybody loves Raymond” (which I will be discussing), “The King of Queens,” and other television shows.

This article made a good point at how television shows that show marriages are centered on the man of the house. The man gets all the good jokes and is never laughed at, rather we laugh with him. The conflict in these television series almost always deals with the “demanding wife.” The writer of this article also noted that men are seen as sex-starved and women are seen as indifferent to sex. I agree with this. The media does portray the wife indifferent and the man as always wanting to have sex.

One thing that I did not agree with what this article said is that these shows just show what is natural and oppositional gender differences. This is what a dominant and equity model of marriage counselor would suggest. This is not the case in the unity model of marriage. Disagreements are not natural and you can’t “agree to disagree.”

Section C: My Own Findings on AUVs in the Media

Everybody Loves Raymond

The first television series I chose to watch was “Everybody loves Raymond.” I chose this specific show because it displays marriage between Raymond and Debra, as well as marriage between Raymond’s parents, Frank and Marie.

Episode: “The Angry Family”

The first episode I watched is titled “The Angry Family.” In this episode, Michael (Raymond and Debra’s son) wrote a book titled The Angry Family. Raymond’s family believe Michael’s book is based on their own family so they all get into an argument on whose fault it is. The gender interactions reflected in this episode mainly illustrate disjunctive talk as you will see in the lists provided below.

Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior

Example 1: When asking Michael about why he wrote the story, Debra asks Raymond to help. He replies with a “nope” and tells Michael he loved the story. Raymond goes against Debra’s wishes by not confronting Michael about the story he wrote. Then, he turns on her by saying-

“If you were on top of stuff, you coulda stopped this.”

They continue to argue…

Example 2: Frank and Marie are at Michael’s school and the parents are giving them angry looks. Marie says “I haven’t gotten looks like that before,” and Frank replies with-

“You outta watch me more then.”

Example 3: Debra and Raymond are arguing in the kitchen. Debra says “There are times when you yell for no reason.” Raymond responds with-

“I am not the yeller in this relationship,” (raising his voice and contradicting what he just said).

Example 4: Debra and Raymond are having a conference with Michael’s teacher, Eileen. Debra tries to explain to the teacher that she knows stories stem from somewhere (or some experience). Raymond interrupts her and says-

“No, not all of them.” He continues to give Eileen an example of a time when stories are made up from the spot. Debra says “Please stop,” and Raymond replies-

“I’m just talking to Eileen.”

Example 5: The family goes into counseling and everyone hints to the counselor that Marie may be at fault. Marie asks, “You think Michael’s book is my fault, don’t ya?” She looks at Frank, her husband, who does not look at her nor does he speak up to disagree with her. She then says-

“If there is a problem in the family, it’s the mother. It’s ALWAYS the mother.”

Conclusions of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior (in “The Angry Family”)

These examples illustrate and make it look normal for a man to abuse women. Although this abuse is not physical, it is what Dr. Leon James calls “mental abuse” and is disjunctive. In example 1, Raymond blames Debra for not being on top of things in the family household. He also goes against Debra and takes Michael’s side by saying he loved the story. He disappoints Debra by leaving her to be the one to talk to Michael about the hurtful book. Example 3 is similar to example 1 because Raymond once again blames her for being the “yeller” in the relationship. This is mental abuse.

Example 2 is an interaction between Frank and Marie. Frank and Marie constantly show disjunctive behavior because they never agree with each other. Frank also says hurtful comments to Marie and example 2 displays this. His jokes are meant to be witty and sarcastic, but Marie hardly laughs at his jokes, which display that she does not approve of them nor does she like it. Frank frequently engages in name-calling, embarrassing Marie, and ruining her reputation. These are all apart of mental abuse.

Example 4 illustrates Raymond taking another person’s side in front of Debra, his wife. He disagrees with her in public and then when she says, “please stop,” he replies that he is just “talking with Eileen.” He is choosing another woman before Debra. Example 5 also shows a man choosing sides with another person that is not his wife. Frank takes Raymond and Debra’s side and blames Marie. She makes the comment that “whenever there is a problem in the family, it’s always the mother.” This statement is eerily true. In the dominance model of marriage (which is displayed in television shows such as this one), the mother is wrong.

Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior

Example 1: The whole family is in Raymond and Debra’s kitchen discussing the situation with Michael. Debra asks everyone to go home. Raymond chimes in-

“Debra is right. We gotta talk to Michael.”

Conclusions of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior (in “The Angry Family”)

It was really disappointing that I only found one example in this episode of conjunctive talk and behavior. I don’t even think it is a good example but it was the only exchange between Raymond and Debra where Raymond actually agrees with his wife, and he does this in the presence of other people. This shows conjunctive talk because it is a sign of togetherness when a couple agrees with each other.

Episode: “No Roll”

This episode was about Ray who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. He feels like Debra makes “excuses” to get out of having sex with him so he buys a sensual board game to get her “in the mood.”

Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior

Example 1: “I’m exhausted.” – Debra

“OK, I get it.” – Raymond

“Wait, you think this is an act so I won’t sleep with you?” – Debra

“Not much of an act.” – Ray

“How come your only picking up “I’m tired” means “no sex tonight?” How come “I’m tired” doesn’t also mean “Gee, I could really use some help with all those dishes?”” – Debra

“What am I? A mind reader?” – Ray

Example 2: In the bedroom, Raymond pushes himself on Debra (trying to kiss her). She pushes him off of her. She continues to read her book.

“So you can stay up to read and not spend two minutes for sex?” – Raymond

“I’m sorry Ray, I’m tired.” – Debra

(Raymond mumbles to himself) “So your saying you would rather read?” – Raymond

“Tonight, yes.” – Debra

“Well if there is anyone having sex in that book, please read aloud.” – Raymond

Example 3: Marie enters Raymond and Debra’s kitchen and opens the fridge. She proceeds to throw away the food Debra made. Raymond asks what Marie is doing and she says she explains how horrible Debra’s cooking is. Raymond replies-

“Well hurry up before she gets back.”

Example 4: The family is talking about wife swapping. Frank says-

“I don’t have to swap, I’ll make a donation.”

Example 5: Raymond buys a game called sensuopoly to get Debra in the mood. He does this without asking Debra but she plays anyways. He rolls and it lands on a square that instructs him to tell her something she doesn’t know about him. But Raymond doesn’t want to talk; he wants to kiss her. He kisses her and then tries to do more. She says “stop” over 5 times but he still continues. They proceed on with the game and she lands on the square that says to look into your lovers’ eyes for three minutes. Raymond says-

“You know how long three minutes is?” (He continues to look for a few seconds then at his watch then back up at her) He says “You are starting to look like the devil.”

Example 6: “Do you know what this game is for.” – Debra

“To get you in the mood. Do you remember what that is?” – Raymond

“It’s to improve our sex life.” – Debra

“I got the wrong game then. I should’ve got the game to GET a sex life.” – Raymond

“Oh right, you are the poor sex-starved husband.” – Debra

“Yeah and you’re the put upon wife who doesn’t get any romance.” – Ray

“No, I wanted to play for other reasons too.” – Debra

“I know, I don’t listen to your heart beat, hold your hand enough, watch you sleep, muh muh muh… And let me tell you something, romance is always changing. Why? What is romance?” – Raymond

Example 7: “Look at me.” – Debra

“No.” – Raymond

Example 8: Raymond asks what is wrong with their sex life.

“I need more variety.” – Debra

“I have variety.” – Ray

“I need you to be less selfish.” – Debra

“I am NOT selfish. Come on, just tell me what you want.” – Raymond

“Why should I have to tell you? Why haven’t you been paying attention these 12 years? You always seem to pick up the signals that affect you.”

Conclusions of Disjunctive Talk and behavior (in “No roll”)

This episode dealt with a lot of sexual blackmail. Raymond repeatedly tried to make Debra feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with him. He pushed himself onto her when she clearly said she did not want to. He also bought a sensual board game without consulting her. This would have been acceptable if he played the game properly (doing the romance squares as well as the physical intimacy squares). Raymond only wanted to do the physical part of the game. He did not want to get to know Debra better.

Example 1 is an example of how men don’t come to the conclusion that a woman is tired because she has been doing housework all day. Most men don’t make this connection and think why she is tired. They just think the consequence of her being tired (no sex).

Example 2 displays sexual blackmail. He forces himself onto her without adequately preparing her for receptivity. She makes it clear to him that she does not want to engage and reciprocate his sexual advances, but he takes offense to this and even makes a joke about the book she is reading. This was immature of Raymond to do this.

Example 3 illustrates Raymond hurting Debra’s image and going behind Debra’s back. He took his mothers side when she said how horrible Debra’s food is. I know if I were in this situation and I found out that my husband was talking about how horrible my food was to his family, I would feel extremely upset and humiliated. Raymond is displaying disjunctive behavior when he complains about Debra’s food to other people.

Example 4 deals with mental intimacy. Once again, Frank insults Marie by saying he would donate her. This is disrespectful and hurts her image. After watching just a few episodes from this television series, I find that it is expected for Frank to make a sarcastic joke about Marie at least once in every episode.

Examples 5-8 is a repeated behavior of Raymond still trying to get Debra to have sex with him. He kisses her repeatedly and ignores her pleas to stop. He ignores this not once, not twice, but I counted at least 5 times she said, “stop” to Raymond. Then when he doesn’t get what he wants, he sarcastically says he should’ve bought the game to “get a sex life.” His behavior is also disjunctive because his nonverbal behavior is disrespectful as well. She asks him to look at him, and he continues to look away. Then he asks her what is wrong with their sex life and when she explains what she thinks needs to be changed, he argues with her that she is wrong. He is not listening to her needs and wants. He only cares about himself and getting what he wants.

Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior

Example 1: After they talk and Debra explains a little more about what she wants, Raymond says he’s sorry and he didn’t know that. Debra asks that Raymond be more attentive. She says-

“Now I don’t just mean in the bedroom. If you see the laundry lying around, or the bills piling up… You know what I’m talking about, right?”

“I do, you’re right.” – Raymond

Conclusions of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior (in “No roll”)

Once again, I only found one example of conjunctive talk and behavior. This was the first and only time when Raymond says Debra is right. Debra wants Raymond to be more attentive in all areas of the marriage. Raymond finally sees her point and understands what she wants. He agrees that he will take notice of the things that matter to her. He is finally changing to better fit her needs. Even though there was only one example of conjunctive talk and behavior in this episode, at least this scene was last so the episode ended on a positive note.

The war at home

The next television series I chose to analyze was “The war at home.” The name says it all. It really is a constant “war” at this house. The show is about Dave and Vicky who have three kids: Larry, Hillary, and Mike. This was my first time watching this television series but I chose it because the name of the show caught my attention.

Episode: “Gambling”

This specific episode had a few different things going on. First off, Vicky finds out that someone opened up a credit card in their name. Dave finds out that it is their son that applied for the credit card (so he could use it to gamble online). Dave does not tell Vicky who did it and just said it was the credit card company’s fault. Another incident that occurs is Dave takes Hillary to practice driving. She is swerving the car and a cop eventually pulls her over. Dave quickly switches places with Hillary and takes the blame but he has been drinking and so the cop arrests him for drunk driving.

Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior (in “Gambling”)

Example 1: This is the beginning of the episode when Vicky finds out someone applied for a credit card in their name.

“Dave, did you open a new credit card?” – Vicky

“Don’t talk to me while I’m watching the game.” – Dave

“This is important. If you didn’t do it, then it’s identity theft.” – Vicky

“Who would want my identity?” (still looking at the television) – Dave

(Dave calls the credit card company & then finds out it was his son, Mike, who applied for the card)

“What did the credit card company say?” – Vicky

“Don’t worry about it. It is taken care of.” – Dave

“What happened?” – Vicky

“Nothing.” – Dave

“Would you just tell me what happened?” – Vicky

“It was a mistake.” – Dave

Example 2: This is after he is arrested for drunk driving. He returns home and talks to Vicky.

“Are you ok? I was worried?” – Vicky

“Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.” – Dave

“What happened?” – Vicky

“Got arrested for drunk driving.” – Dave

“What the hell is wrong with you?” – Vicky

“You’re about to feel very stupid.” (explains story about taking the blame for their daughter) “Are you feeling dumb yet?” – Dave

“You could lose your license over this” – Vicky

“I already lost it. She’s my kid, I am always gonna bail her out.” – Dave

“Do you think she’s gonna remember your sacrifice tomorrow?” – Vicky

“You’re just jealous ‘cause she likes me more than you” – Dave

Example 3: Dave and his son Mike are gambling in the room together (with the card that he told his wife was a mistake and it was not in their name)

“What are you gonna do with the money we won dad?” – Mike

(Dave thinks to himself and then a scene shows him at a strip club getting a lap dance)

Example 4: Vicky is calling Mike and tries to open Mike’s bedroom door. Dave and Mike are both in there.

“What’s going on? Why is this door locked?” – Vicky

“We are just playing chess.” (Dave mumbles to himself “please don’t call my bluff”)

Example 5: Vicky and Dave find out they owe $5,000 for the incident of his drunk driving.

“Well now we owe $5,000.” – Vicky

“I have a secret stash of cash that you aren’t aware of.” – Dave

Conclusions of Disjunctive Talk and behavior (in “Gambling”)

I was so surprised at how much deception and lying was going on with this marriage, and all the lying was the dads doing. It seemed like every comment that came out of Dave’s mouth was chauvinistic, a lie, or a criticism. There was so much negativity in this show that it was painful to watch. At least some shows are entertaining, but this show had no plot or message.

Example 1 is a whole bunch of disjunctive talk and behavior thrown into one scene. First of all, the whole time Dave and Vicky are talking, Dave is watching the game. He never looks up at her once while she is talking to him. He even tells her not to interrupt him while he is watching the game. He is mentally abusing her and pushing her away. He is also having a separate interest that is excluding his wife. Then Dave lies to Vicky when he finds out that his son applied for the credit card. He is choosing someone before his wife. He is also manipulating the wife to believe that it was the credit card company’s fault. When she wants to know the whole story and what happened, he brushes her off and tells her it’s taken care of. He is withholding a lot of important information that is just as much her business as it is his.

He chooses his child over Vicky again in Example 2. This time, he decides to take the blame for his daughter, who should have gotten the blame for driving recklessly. Vicky opposes him and says that Hillary should get the rightful punishment but he tells Vicky that he would always bail out his children. He also makes a sarcastic remark that Vicky is just jealous because Hillary likes him more. Dave is going against Vicky’s parenting strategies and also choosing Hillary over Vicky. Dave eventually finds out that Vicky was right (when Hillary doesn’t thank him for taking the blame) but he does not apologize to her nor does he tell Vicky she was right.