Report 2: The Unity Model of Marriage

More than just “I do”

By Paige Kim

The instructions for this report are at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm

I am answering questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 10

The Question I am answering is Question 4

(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture Notes at www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values

It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy Marriage." Read and discuss the article.

(b) Are these good instances of unity values or not? Explain.

(c) Search the Web using Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.

(a) “Secrets to a happy marriage” is an article written by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne who is a marriage and family therapist. In his article, he lists three secrets he finds are important in having a healthy marriage.

The first secret is no hidden accounts. Spouses should be open with one another about any accounts, insurance, savings, retirement money, etc. Any issue of money should be disclosed to one another. The reason he says that this is important because it makes partners equally empowered in the relationship. When both partners in a marriage feel equally in control and equally sharing of the power in their relationship, their marriage will be that much more intimate.

The second secret to a happy marriage is that each spouse must develop good communication skills. Dr. Kuhne continues to give advice for both husband and wife on what to do to understand each other’s language. He advises the husbands to get rid of his “man language” and clarify, explain, and communicate with her. For the wife, Dr. Kuhne also tells them to clarify because women speak differently from men. Women speak in depth and desire a connection with their husband.

Dr. Kuhne ends secret two concluding that communication empowers both spouses in love and harmony. He also mentions that what was considered good communication in the past, is not what it is today. In present time, male domination is gone where the women had to keep silent in order for a good conversation between the spouses. Nowadays, women and men are on equal statuses and a wife’s opinion is just as important as the man’s.

The third secret to a happy marriage is to praise your spouse in public and in private. His main message is that words are powerful. If you use them in a derogatory way to your spouse, this will damage and destroy their mental health and being. However, if used in the right way (words of affirmation), you can make your spouse feel valuable and loved. These words of affirmation should be used in public (about your spouse when he or she is not there) and also in his or her listening distance. By praising their abilities, Dr. Kuhne believes you will also start thinking of them more and the small things that once irritated you will become more manageable.

(b) I don’t believe these recommendations are fully compatible with the unity model. These ideas do stem from unity values but Dr. Kuhne’s explanations of them are not completely representing the unity model of marriage. If I were to choose a model that this article illustrates, I would go with the equity model because his main theory is that both individuals should have equal power in the relationship. In an equity model, husband and wife has still not reached a conjoint relationship, as we have learned from studying the unity model of marriage.

For his first secret, both partners should have knowledge of each other’s account. I understand that is necessary and both wife and husband should not have any hidden accounts because this would exhibit secrecy. However, if a wife chooses to have a separate account, then this would be more than acceptable, maybe even necessary. The unity model of marriage would support the idea of a woman having her own account for purposes of her building her own credit. A woman’s financial status is more important than the man’s because society downplays a woman’s role in financial issues. The woman is the one who needs to be empowered and having her own separate account will help her achieve this.

The second secret relates to the unity model if marriage in a sense that communication is important in your marriage. This is common knowledge. This was also the first article I read that stated men think women are mind readers rather than the other way around. Dr. Kuhne believes men have a secret “man language” and a wife should not be expected to understand. The unity model of marriage would support this. A man should not use his “man language.” This confuses women and separates their intimacy. A husband is pushing his wife away when he does not communicate in a way that the wife understands. This would be an example of unsexy conversation style.

The part in which the second secret does not relate to the unity model of marriage is when Dr. Kuhne gives an example of what it means to clarify to your wife. He uses the example that men should clarify what he means when he wants to sit and watch television. He would clarify to his wife that he is not ignoring or avoiding her. However, in the unity model of marriage, this IS avoiding her. When a man refuses to communicate with his wife, he is refusing to be conjoined with his wife. Dr. Kuhne should not use this as an example because a man should not refuse communication no matter what.

The third secret dealt with praising your spouse. This is important in the unity model of marriage as well. As I mentioned before, unsexy conversation deals when a husband refuses to communicate with a wife. Unsexy conversation can also be hurtful words and complaints. Dr. Kuhne states that “every time you share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them.” He continues by saying “you are lowering their value to you.” The unity model of marriage would agree with this. You should never speak badly of your spouse to anyone (family, friends, etc).

I think the third secret was the most compatible with the unity model of marriage. Words of praise are always important in a relationship. Compliments promote warmth and closeness in a relationship. It also reminds spouses of how much they love one another.

(c) Searching the web

Marriage advice

The first website I found was marriage advice given by professional counselors. The article that I chose to analyze was similar to Dr. Kuhne’s article. It is titled “Mistake Proof Your Marriage: Do you make these 3 common mistakes in your marriage?”

The three mistakes they chose to write about was criticizing your spouse, making fun of your spouse, and assuming your work is done.

This article reflects the unity model of marriage on a basic level. The advice given was not in depth but what information the author did give was things that are important in the unity model of marriage. Making fun of your spouse is an obvious negative thing that you can do to your spouse, as well as criticizing them. Criticism and making fun of your spouse is derogatory and humiliating to your spouse. The last point this article made was that your work of a marriage relationship is not done once the “I Do’s” are said. Daily conversations about things of interest, of importance, and your marriage are necessary. The unity model of marriage would also agree to this. Having conversations of importance to the wife will create a mental intimacy between her and her husband.

I thought the advice from this site was very positive. I briefed a few other articles on this website and numerous articles stresses the importance of husbands nurturing emotional intimacy in a marriage. However, even though their advice was positive, some the articles did not reflect the unity model of marriage. For example an article they had on their website stresses the importance of husband and wife to have time away from each other so that new and separate growth can occur. In my opinion, this article is encouraging independence from your spouse. In the unity model of marriage, there is no independence, as you are joined completely with your spouse.

Say "no" to marriage

This isn’t a site that gives advice to couples, but rather to men. But I wanted to include it in this section because it is extremely opposite from the site I just analyzed above.

As if the title of this site didn’t give you a big enough hint, this site is basically a woman-bashing advice and support group for men. The article I chose to analyze is titled “Why marriage used to work, but no longer works.”

This picture was the only thing in this advice column with a conclusion which states:

“Today, a marriage is a contract where a man is supposed to provide for a family financially (90% of women still marry up, even women who make $200K a year), but a woman is a nagging bitch who stops having sex, makes your life miserable and ass-rapes you in divorce court.”

This article is wrong in so many ways. First off, the picture illustrates the good wife’s guide. I have included each point as well as my own interpretation as to why this reflects the dominance and not the unity model of marriage. My reflections are in pink.

- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about is needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

*What about the wife? This statement reflects the dominance model because it is describing how to let your husband know that you are thinking about him, and disregarding a wife’s feelings.

- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

This is advice Laura Schlessinger (author of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands) would give. It is stressing the importance of a woman to look good for her husband but not vice versa. In the unity model of marriage, it is important for both spouses to look good for one another.

- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

*A woman’s duties should not include being more interesting to him. In fact, a woman has no “duties” in a marriage. The word “duties” refers to an act that is required. When you say a woman has particular duties, you are basically treating her like a slave and putting her below the husband. This does not display conjugial love.

- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

- Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

*More advice that Dr. Laura would give. People who are in the dominance model of marriage see catering to your husband as first priority. His comfort comes before the wife’s comfort. This is disrespectful behavior to the wife because her husband is put before her comfort and wants. A husband should feel motivated to make her wife feel comfortable. In the unity model of marriage, a husband will strive to do this.

- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

- Be happy to see him.

- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Dr. Laura has listed all of these things in her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of husbands. She believes it is important not to bombard your husband when he comes home from work. You should let him have his alone time to unwind and relax. Then when he is ready, conversation can be initiated. When a husband comes home from work and refuses communication, he is pushing his wife away and engaging in abusive behavior according to the unity model of marriage. His topics of conversation are not more important than his wife’s. In fact, it is the other way around. A wife’s ideas and thoughts are top priority for a husband who is conjoined with his wife. It is more important than his own thoughts because he wishes cognitive happiness for the wife.

- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.

*By using the word “complain,” this statement suggests that women only show their dissatisfaction by complaining or whining their way out of it. The word complaining is the same as a “nagger” to me. In the unity model of marriage, a woman does not complain. She makes requests. Usually the husband will see them as complaints because he is trying to gain his own independence from her. Women are striving for unity and their requests are important and necessary for the man to fulfill in order for them to form a deeper connection.

Also, this statement suggests that it is okay for a man to go to places of entertainment without his wife. Going out with your wife is an action that is in the dominance model of marriage because it displays self-centeredness as well as independence from his wife.

- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice.

*Once again this article uses the word complain and also stresses how a wife should change her verbal behavior (speak in a low soothing voice) so her husband will be more comfortable.

- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

*A husband is not the master of the house. This would mean that he would own his wife, as if she was an object to be possessed. In the unity model of marriage, there is no “master” and a woman’s questions are seen as important and not questioning a man’s integrity.

- A good wife always knows her place.

*What about a man’s place?!?!

I realize this particular magazine clip was from the 50s. But if you take a look at our current situation, a lot of relationships live from this model. Men are the masters of the house while the wife’s only duty is to make sure her husband has every one of his needs and wants met.

After searching the web, I realize that there are more sites that display the equity and dominance model of marriage, rather than the unity model of marriage.

The Question I am answering is Question 5

(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women. How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is your evaluation of it?

(b) Find 5 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.

(c) Make up a few quotes of your own. In each case pretend you are either a woman or a man emailing Dr. Laura. Then give a brief explanation regarding what AUVs are exhibited in each case.

(a)

The perspective of Dr. Laura Schlessinger would classify under the dominance model of marriage. She views men as simple creatures who only yearn for the three A’s from their wife: acceptance, approval, and appreciation. In this book, she gives advice to women on how to treat their husband right. These suggestions range from bedroom manner to changing their communication patterns to guy time. The author’s philosophy is that a woman can save and heal her marriage if she just follows these simple guidelines.

This book demonstrates the dominance model of marriage because it lists things that the woman should do to make her man happier. Dr. Laura even states that “Women are insensitive and oblivious to how destructive they are being to their men.” Destructive behavior to Dr. Laura is when a wife does not provide direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good sex. A woman must go out of her way to provide these things. She can do this by having a warm meal prepared for him when he gets home, not pushing him to speak, letting him have guy time, and providing him sex whenever he wants.

All of the above demonstrates mental abuse, independence from your wife, and sexual blackmail. These are all traits that are characterized in the dominant model of marriage. In the dominance model, the wife makes sure to pleasure her partner and to be compliant to all of his demands. In this model, the man is always striving to empower his wife. He does this by abusing and intimidating her into a submissive position. When a wife doesn’t follow what he wants, the husband thinks she is ruining the marriage.

Dr. Laura’s perspective is that women are ungrateful these days. Women are trying to have it all by joining the workforce and maintaining a family and marriage. She claims that this is not a woman’s place. A woman should take care of the kids and make sure her husband has every need met. I do not agree with this.

I see Dr. Laura’s approach detrimental to relationships. I don’t understand how she is so popular and how she can continue to give advice to couples. Her advice is negative and cynical. Throughout the book, when she was giving advice, she used sarcasm, criticism, and name-calling to get her point across to her female listeners. Her mentality is stuck in the old days as she criticizes the feminist perspective from giving too much power to the woman.

I think Dr. Laura’s approach encourages anti-intimacy practices. Anti-intimacy practices are behaviors that a husband does to keep himself from becoming mentally intimate with his wife. When Dr. Laura says that it is okay to have alone time and that the wife is a nag, she is supporting that the man should stay independent from his wife. In fact, in each chapter she had some behavior that was promoting lack of mental intimacy.

(b) 1^st quote:

“[My wife] feels that if she doesn’t remind me again and again, something won’t get done. Bu the fact is, it makes me feel like her child and that Mommy needs to check up on me. It’s degrading. I want to be admired. I want to be acknowledged for being the breadwinner and making sure that we are all taken care of. My greatest pleasure is when I feel like her hero. Like her ‘man.’ Not her boy.”

-Evan

Evan displays how his affective self influences his cognitive and sensorimotor aspects in the threefold self. His affective self is his feelings towards his wife. He believes that she is degrading him when she reminds him to do something. Because of his feelings, his thoughts of his wife are negative. He believes that she treats him like a son and not a man, the breadwinner of the family. I would only guess that because his affective and cognitive self are reacting like this, his actions and words are illustrating this to her (sensorimotor self). Evan is a good example of negative gender behavior. He is creating an unfavorable atmosphere for his wife by making her feel as if it is bad that she repeatedly asks him to do something.

2^nd quote:

“So my suggestion for your book on the care and feeding of husbands? The number one thing I want from my woman is to stop complaining. It’s easy to moan about how hard your life is. When I do catch my wife in a ‘willing mood,’ I first have to endure twenty minutes of her complaining about this, that, and the other thing before I get to touch her. I figure if I help around the house to take some of the burden off of her, I would win her affection. Wrong. It is never enough and I am always wrong. A little kindness would go a long way toward making the marriage better.”

-Bruce

Bruce is also creating a negative stereotype of women (cognitive self). He is referencing her need to talk as “complaining.” He is reasoning to himself and to Dr. Laura is that this behavior is unacceptable and ruining his marriage. His sensorimotor self is also disrespecting his wife. His “external” activity of wanting to touch her is unacceptable because she wants to communicate with him first. She is also not reciprocating his behavior, which means they do not have sensorimotor reciprocity. He is trying to force her into an external activity of touching one another. Because of all these factors, they do not have affective reciprocity. Bruce is not conjoined with his wife’s feelings and desires because he is not abandoning his own wants and needs. He is justifying his behavior as appropriate when he is clearly hurting his wife’s feelings.

3^rd quote:

“I don’t understand why women don’t understand that sex is a man’s number one need from his wife. It’s not just the act and sensation of pleasure, but it’s the acceptance by a woman of her man. There’s a communion that happens during intercourse that will bond a man to his woman, and he in turn will then begin to give of himself emotionally to her. When that need isn’t met, the man begins to look at his wife as just a roommate who doesn’t pay her share of the rent but continues to harp on him about leaving the toilet seat up.”

-Chris

All levels of the threefold self do not exhibit unity. Chris is threatening when he says that a wife is seen as a roommate when she doesn’t provide her husband with his need of having sex. His cognitive self is justifying that sex is necessary for the man or else they will feel that a wife is nothing but a complainer. His affective self includes his feelings and motivations. From reading this quote, I believe that Chris is thinking of himself and maintaining his independence. He has not abandoned his own feelings to adopt his wife’s point of view.

4^th quote:

“When I am feeling the most rejected, I as myself ‘Why am I here?’ and ‘Who cares for me?’ To me, I am still doing my job of protecting and providing, but I get nothing in return. When months pass without sex or affection, the message that I get is that I am undesirable and have no value. If I were appreciated, I would be ‘loved.’ Caring and nurturing is what I need to feel healthy and happy.”

- Mike

Mike has also adopted independence and is exerting a dominant role. He states that without sex, he feels undesirable. He doesn’t think about how the wife feels without affection. He is feeling disconnected to his wife because of this (affective self). He is also not achieving cognitive conjunction with his wife because his thoughts are not aligned with hers. Mike’s relationship has not reached the conjoint self because he has not stepped down to let his wife lead. Instead he questions why he is in the relationship.

5^th quote:

“Wives want romance, hugs, kisses, and surprises. They would get more of these things if they hadn’t just told hubby he was stupid or that a night out with the guys was tantamount to abandonment… or that four hours out of 168 to myself is overly selfish or self-indulgent.”

-Jim

Jim has also not reached a conjoint self with his spouse. Jim wants time away from his partner and it seems he is exaggerating how much time he wants away from his partner. He wants to exclude his partner and is retaining his involvement with her. This is displaying affective disjunction. Jim does not display cognitive reciprocity with his spouse because he desires things that she does not want. The wife wants togetherness when she asks for time together, but he is mentally abusing her when he chooses to exclude her out of his activities.

(c) “My wife is always telling me I break promises but she doesn’t realize that men just don’t remember everything a wife says everyday of his life. Wives just say too many unnecessary information.”

-Bob

An anti-unity value that is displayed in this quote is breaking promises. In the unity model of marriage, when a man breaks his promise, he is committing mental abuse. Bob is basically saying that what his wife says is forgettable and not important. In the unity model of marriage, a man should put his wife before him. Everything she says is important and he should never break his promises.

“When I do something wrong, my wife will get on my case. I don’t understand. I apologize and everything. Isn’t that enough? She needs to just get over it.”

-Andrew

Another anti-unity value is the idea that a man does not need to “grovel” when he apologizes. An apology is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are hurt. In the unity model of marriage, this is an AUV because the husband is not striving to please her. He is upsetting her by not giving in to what she wants. He thinks of her as being unreasonable and selfish but he is the one being the insensitive one.

The Question I am answering is Question 6

Question 6:

(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality

Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.

(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex to the idea of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find some examples on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give full reference).

VS

(a) In Section 5.1, it describes the difference of love of the sex vs. love of one of the sex. Love of the sex is non-exclusive sex and derives from our hellish minds. In non-exclusive sex, a husband and wife have sensorimotor conjunction but not conjunctive conjunction since they are not mentally intimate. Human beings have an innate capacity to enjoy non-exclusive sex with others without mental intimacy or mutual caring.

On the other hand, we are capable of enjoying exclusive sex with one person that we are mentally intimate with. This is referred to as mutual exclusive love and derives from our heavenly mind. This is love of one of the sex Love of one of the sex is when a husband does not just perform sensorimotor coupling, but conjunctive and affective coupling. This is because their relationship is on a spiritual-sensual sexuality level. This kind of love, which is conjugial love, consist of greater pleasure and passion than love with non-exclusive interests.

A quote from the writings Sacred Scripture states that:

“Love of the sex is love towards many of the sex and with many, but conjugial love is love towards one of the sex and with one. Love towards many and with many is a natural love, for man has it in common with beasts and birds, and these are natural, but conjugial love is a spiritual love and peculiar and proper to humans, because humans were created and are therefore born to become spiritual.”

This description shows us why humans who choose to engage in love of the sex are just primates with beastly characteristics. But when that person chooses to move beyond that, they will experience the highest form of love. Conjugial love will benefit their marriage and they will prosper in the closest intimacy and passion that they have never experienced when they were engaging in love of the sex,

(b) Juggling Multiple Partners

This is a website that they claim is a “men’s portal” into knowing everything a man needs to know. In this particular article, it gives advice on how to juggle multiple women. It then proceeds to give advice on what the best way is to go about this. The article does not mention actually telling the woman you want to see other people; it says that men should imply it because then he will not be misleading her. The article also tells men to not tell the truth because if they do, it will ultimately destroy his purpose of having multiple partners (because the woman will leave).

This article also has a link referring you to purchase their “player’s secret sex guide.” In this web subscription, it claims that it can help the man improve his “game” and how to seduce ladies into the bedroom and make sure she leaves it satisfied.

I thought this website was good representation of what society is promoting. Women are seen as objects that are there for sexual purposes. Women are supposed to sexually gratify and please their men but not necessarily the other way around. After understanding the differences between love of the sex and love of one of the sex, I can see that this website follows love of the sex. This is because sex is seen as primal and unnecessary to be shared with just one partner. It encourages men to want to engage in this non-exclusive sexual behavior. When men “juggle” women around, they are not committing to them. They are opposing spirituality and affective conjunction.

I wasn’t extremely shocked by this article because our everyday media promotes promiscuity. It is just sad to see how many people read and subscribe to this website (5 million readers a month).

Increasing the Female Sex Drive

This is a site that gives free online medical advice. The people who answer these questions are a team of experts appointed by the Commission of the European Communities.

The article that I chose to review was titled “Female Orgasm. How to give a female an orgasm.” This article took on a much healthier approach. A guy wrote in to ask what’s wrong with his girlfriend. She never has an orgasm and she is never in the mood. He is frustrated and calls her lazy because she won’t see a doctor. He asks what he needs to do to fix the problem.

The advice given was that he needs to stop treating her like a “service provider.” Women need to feel that the relationship is good first, in order to feel desire. It is not about the orgasm. She could be stressed, or need more foreplay, or tired. All of these things, they advise, are very important. Each reason why she is not in the mood needs to be met with sensitivity and respect. They also conclude that his approach is wrong. He is criticizing her when he calls her “lazy.” He needs to respect her decision to not go see a doctor. They also advise him to listen to what she says and understand her feelings and needs.

This article was a good example of love of one of the sex. The authors giving the advice are urging the man to put his wife ahead of his wants. To do this, he needs to learn how to properly and respectfully treat her. I think this article displayed coupling on all three levels (sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective) because it is promoting the wife’s needs and wishes ahead of the mans.

The Question I am answering is Question 7

Question 7:

(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse

Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.

(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)

(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.

(a) The conversational style can say a lot about a relationship between husband and wife. This is because conversation reflects on what you are thinking (cognitive) which ultimately affects and operates the feelings and motivations you have in your relationship (affective). Discourse and conversational style directly relates to the sensorimotor self.

In the dominance model of marriage, communication deals with a lot of unsexy conversation by the husband. On the sensorimotor or external level, a husband would interrupt her, call her names, make fun of her, and use nonverbal behavior to intimidate or punish her. A husband in this model would use mental abuse by swearing and yelling at her. He would also use derogatory names or criticize her.

Other disjunctive behaviors in conversation a husband in the dominance model would do are to deny and refuse. He refuses to take her point of view on things and also denies her the ability to speak her own opinion. He will also participate in secrecy and lies. This includes talking to friends, children, or family about his wife or anything in general and not telling his wife. He does this because he is maintaining his independence from her and trying to control her.

A wife who has a husband in the dominance model might feel scared or less important then her husband. This is because his conversation is constantly putting her down. He ignores her and brushes her off because on a cognitive level, he does not find her as intelligent as himself.

In the equity model of marriage, conversation shifts gears to focus not on the husband but on the topic or task. Conversation in this model would include the husband exaggerating and lying to control her, calling her bad names, criticizing her, and defending his views. He uses these tactics because on a cognitive level, the husband still does not believe a wife’s thoughts are as important as his own. He considers his thoughts to be the rational one of the relationship.

In the equity model of marriage, a husband will still try to retain some areas of independence. This shows in his conversational style because it is still not pleasant for his wife. The husband is still making his wife suffer by not giving her full mental intimacy.

In the unity model of marriage, conversation is focused on the wife. The husband, in this model, does not talk in an unfriendly tone. He also does not interrupt her, criticize her, or put her down in any way. He is always interested in what she has to say. A husband does not have any secrets from his wife so he does not need to lie to her. His wife’s thoughts are more important than his own and he is always striving to fulfill her mental intimacy needs. In the unity model of marriage, the conversation between spouses would display sensorimotor reciprocity. This is because the man is putting his wife ahead of everything and he shows this to her by engaging in positive, spiritual, and healthy conversation.

(b) Here is a conversation that exhibits elements of unsexy conversational style of married partners. This is a scene in which a couple is deciding what activity to do:

1. Maria: What do you want to do today?

2. Jack: I don’t know. I don’t care.

3. Maria: Okay, how about we go eat at that restaurant I’ve always wanted to try?

4. Jack: Fine.

(After dinner)

5. Jack: You always choose crappy restaurants to eat at. I don’t even know why I bother to do whatever you want to do.

6. Maria: But I asked you and you said you didn’t care.

7. Jack: Because I know you will whine and bitch if I don’t do what you want to do.

8. Maria: That’s not true. You should have told me what you wanted to do.

9. Jack: I am not going to argue about this. I’m leaving.

Here is the revised conversation that would illustrate a sexy conversational style:

10. Maria: What do you want to do today?

11. Jack: I really don’t care. It’s up to you.

12. Maria: Okay, how about we go eat at the restaurant I’ve always wanted to try?

13. Jack: Sure, I wanted to try that as well.

(c) You can see how each line would display unsexy conversational style by the husband. In line 1 she is asking what he wants to do. He says he doesn’t care but then goes against it as the dialog proceeds. In line 5, he is blaming her for what a bad restaurant it was. He is criticizing her and then says he doesn’t like any of the restaurants she chooses (as if it is her fault). Then in line 6, when she proceeds to comment and talk about the problem, he criticizes her again in line 7. He uses denigrating and name-calling to get his point across. He is also intimidating her by telling her that her choices of restaurant are up to his standards. In line 8, Maria continues to talk about the problem but in line 9, Jack shuts her out and walks away from the problem. This is displaying his lack of wanting to communicate with his wife. He is not trying to communicate conjunctively and also, his cognitive thoughts are thoughts against his wife. His actions are displaying that he thinks her choices are horrible and he is just follows along with what she wants to do because he doesn’t want to hear her complain.

In the sexy conversational style, Jack is showing conjunctive replies. In line 11, he leaves it up to her to make the decision. Then when she suggests the restaurant, he replies with “sure.” He is showing conjunctive replies because he is putting his wife before himself and displaying that in his communication. In this relationship, he and his wife engage in sexy and healthy conversation.

The Question I am answering is Question 10

Question 10:

(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?

(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that are popular.

(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?

(a) Evolutionary Theory

Woman wants = +

Man wants = +

Daly, Martin, and Margo Wilson. Sex, Evolution, and Behavior. Belmont: Wadsworth Publishing Company, 1983.

I think one of the most prominent theories about mate selection has to do with the evolutionary theory. In a book titled “Sex, evolution, and behavior,” Martin Daly and Margo take a scientific approach about marriage and mate selection. Marriage, according to their theory and evolutionary psychology is basically a reproductive alliance. They believe that marriage is “universally a contract between men, a formalized exchange of women as commodities.” This is because women are breeders and are supposed to reproduce. Therefore some men “strive to control women and to traffic in female reproductive capacity.”

Because of this, evolution plays a part in what men and women seek out in the opposite sex. According to this book, women are more insistent that men have high status, the right religion, right race, and so on. Men, on the other hand, rated physical attractiveness as the number one item they look for.

This theory is commonplace and I found a lot of articles on the web that mentions evolution as a reason to why we choose the people we do in relationships.

An evolutionary perspective

This first website I found is titled “Evolutionary versus Social Structural Explanations for Sex Differences in Mate Preferences, Jealousy, and Aggression.” In this article, they explain mate preferences in relationship to evolutionary psychology. Physical appearances play a big part in mate selection. Women prefer men with masculine features (strong jaw, broad shoulders, and a muscular build). These represent sufficient testosterone for fertility. They also look for “good” genes and healthy traits that are displayed in his skin, hair, etc.

Women also prefer guys of “high” status. This means he has money and a good education. This indicates that this man will have enough resources to raise their offspring. In evolutionary psychology, women use these traits as a guideline for selecting a mate, because she seeks a long-term commitment and a provider for her offspring.

Men, have different views when choosing a mate. Their main interest is to spread their genes and not necessarily for the long-term benefit. Men seek out women with symmetrical faces and who have big lips, round hips, and a small waist. These indicate that the woman is healthy and will be able to successfully give birth to his child. Men are less concerned with the social status of their mate (probably because he is not in it for commitment).

According to this article, because women are limited in social power, they seek advancement through their mate by finding a man who has characteristics of power. Men are the “providers” and seek a woman who has qualities of being nurturing. This includes being a good cook, and able to perform all the domestic tasks needed.

What do we look for in a mate?

The second website I found was similar to the previous one I analyzed and stated people seek the best partner to produce the healthiest offspring. Men most desirable characteristic of a woman is physical traits. Here are the traits they listed:

-Young and healthy. A young, healthy female has the best probability of conceiving and producing healthy offspring. Therefore for best success in passing on their genes in offspring, men have a preference for young healthy women. Characteristics associated with youth and health are these:

Breasts full, firm and not sagging.

Rounded hips and slim waist. (70% ratio is most desired.)

Long legs. (Adolescent’s legs grow faster than their body so long legs imply youth.)

Small lower part of face with full lips, high cheekbones and long neck.

Large eyes and small nose.

Long healthy hair.

Flat belly.

Hemispherical buttocks and arched back.

-Men of all ages show a preference for symmetrical and proportional young women.

Symmetrical and well-proportioned physical features are what we call 'good looking'.

'Good looking' indicates minimum chromosome damage and therefore healthier offspring.

Youth also ensures less chromosome damage. The older the mother, the greater the probability of producing offspring with genetic problems.

-A waist that is 70% narrower than her hips.

Research in many cultures worldwide revealed men will choose the woman with the 70% narrower waist over all other ratios, no matter what her total weight is.

A 70% hip-waist ratio implies high fertility in a woman and appeals unconsciously to men in all cultures.

(b) Current practices in mate selection that I am aware of and what I see in my friends is based on evolutionary theory. When I asked my friends what they looked for in a boyfriend or girlfriend, they stated similar things to what evolutionary psychology says women and men pick.

My friend Jenna says she goes for men who are “financially stable.” My guy friends all admit to going for looks before personality. When I asked them what type of physical features, they said “petite,” “nice face,” “nice body.” What my friends suggested would support the evolutionary theory. But when I asked them why they go for these traits, they did not explain it on an evolutionary standpoint.

Searching the web, I find a lot of websites claiming to find your “true love.” Supposedly, these websites gave been gaining a lot of popularity, especially since a lot of well-known people have been encouraging it (such as Dr. Phil). I guess this is where our future is leading us to, where we can select our mate by just going on the computer and registering to a site like this. Just by joining, this site claims you will find your compatible partners.

I am skeptical of these websites, however I feel these websites are a positive reflection on Americans and their relationships. Americans are free to choose whomever they want to be with. Sadly, arranged marriages are still prominent in some countries in the Middle East. This is their only means of mate selection. When you look at it from this viewpoint, we are lucky to have so many services dedicated to finding your true love.

(c) I can think of a lot of improvements in the evolutionary standpoint. I believe that so many relationships are struggling because both men and women are caught up with the idea of what you should go for in a mate. My friends and I all agree that families urge young daughters to find a man that can support her financially. Society repeats the notion that men should be would beautiful, attractive women that will do whatever he wants.

I think we should get rid of the idea that these are the traits that will make us happy in our marriage. We should get rid of thinking evolutionary in a sense that it gives men an excuse to wanting to sleep around and to be promiscuous. Evolutionary perspective would say that this is natural because a man wants to “spread his genes” around and not just use it on one partner. This is not a healthy view at all. I also think the evolutionary perspective is not healthy because it supports that a woman needs “nurturing” features in order for her spouse to want to be with her.

My ideal community in which mate selection is practiced would follow more under the guidelines of the unity model of marriage. Women wouldn’t just be seen as physical objects that are supposed to nurture the husbands every need. And men wouldn’t have the false idea that they need to be with multiple partners because it’s not like a man to commit. It makes me extremely sad when I see communities where the man has 13 wives. Although the wives are happy, they do not see how destructive this is to their marriage. They do not understand that their needs are being compromised with the needs of the others. My ideal community would get rid of all of these beliefs and support a society in which men and women seek out their mates in relationship to how compatible and how much they reach their standards of their ideal mate.

My Report on the Current Generation

Michael Malala

Michael starts off his report with the AUVs and reported that he realized he has seen every one of the anti unity values in today’s media. He then summarizes findings from a prior generation (generation 24). He summarized Carly Kanemaru, Skip Saito, Lauren Buchner, Adriel Stipek, and Cynthia Adams.

He then reviewed their media and song choices and evaluated the AUVs that they reported on. His reactions to evaluations made by generation 24 are that the media are promoting these AUVs, which are watched by millions of people. He gives examples of the television shows that promotes finding your man/woman of your dream by going on dates with twenty members and then narrowing them down to one. Michael believes this is displaying partner abuse and cheating.

Michael also believes that most mainstream songs that are hip hop or rap related have to deal with promiscuity. The music videos are even worse because they display half naked women dancing promiscuously around the men. Michael believes that these type of songs and music promote women as objects.

Following his reactions to the media, Michael found a few sites that confirmed his conclusion. The site that I found most interesting that Michael chose was the one titled “Sex in the Media.” In this article, it claims sex in the media is a positive thing because teens are encouraged to talk to their partner about safer sex. This article claims that sex in the media also helps them talk about sex with their parents. I don’t know if I would fully agree with the findings of this article.

In the next section, Michael talks about his own findings on AUVS in the media. To show disjunctive talk and behavior, he chose to analyze the television show “Flavor of Love.” This television show is about a rapper by the name of Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav is trying to find romance and a girlfriend so he chooses 20 girls to stay in a mansion with him. He then dates each and every one of these girls and then gets rid of a girl every week until he has narrowed it down to “the one.”

Examples of disjunctive behavior that Michael found in this show were living together unmarried, promiscuity, and making it look normal for a man to exploit women.

Michael then chose a show he thought illustrated conjunctive behavior. He chose to analyzed the show “Hogan knows best.” This is another reality television show, which is about Hulk Hogan and his family. He found that this show illustrated conjunctive behavior because on numerous occasions, Hulk Hogan does whatever it takes to please his wife. Michael believes Hulk and his wife are in the equity model and on the way to the unity model of marriage.

Michael then interviewed two of his friends, Tyson and Julia. Tyson believes that the show Flavor of Love is embarrassing and it does promote that woman are sex objects. He also agreed with Michael and said that Hogan Knows Best was supportive and positive. Julia agrees with Michael and Tyson and finds Flavor of Love degrading and found that Hulk Hogan shows how much he loves his wife when he puts his pride and manliness on the side and does something that his wife really wants. Overall, Michael, Tyson, and Julia all had the same reaction and opinions about the television shows.

For disjunctive vs. conjunctive verbal interactions, Michael chose to analyze a scene from “Everybody Loves Raymond.” This is a television series. Michael found that this dialogue exposed how most men think. Men think that if they do something wrong, they can just say “I’m sorry.” Michael believes that women should explain what they want from their men.

In his conclusion, Michael summarizes the different model of marriage. After taking this course, he realizes where he is at and what goals he needs to set. However, he finds a few concepts difficult to accept but would still take some of these concepts and apply them in future relationships.

Andrea Long

Andrea starts off her report by giving a brief explanation of how to achieve the unity model of marriage. She explains the threefold self and what to strive for to achieve mental and spiritual connection. She also includes the table of AUVS and states that “men often use these things to their advantage and force their desires ahead of their wife’s.” One AUV she did not understand was “living together when they are unmarried.” She explains that cohabitating has become the norm. But she realizes why it is an AUV because men may think that by cohabitating, they do not have to commit.

From generation 24, she chose to review Carly Kanemaru, Lauren Buchner, and Skip Saito. She learned a lot by reading their reports, and even felt refreshed to read Skip’s report because she got to hear from a guy perspective. Andrea also realized how the media Carly, Lauren, and Skip chose could influence children’s mind because children look up to movie stars as role models.

Andrea then chose two websites that applied to the findings of AUVs. She chose a website that gave a definition of what a role model is. Her second website was a site that offered advice and counseling to women who have been a victim of violence.

For Andrea’s finding in the media, she chose to analyze the movie “Stepford Wives.” She found a total 14 AUVs that were present in the movie. Andrea believes that the theme for this movie was the acceptance of the idea that men are more important than women. This movie exhibits how men are threatened by their wife’s power and intelligence.

Andrea believes that the media likes to show these types of AUVs because they are fun and because many of the writers in Hollywood are probably men. She believes that by making these movies, men try to project an image of what they wish their life could be like.

To show disjunctive vs. conjunctive verbal interactions, Andrea chose a site, which had various jokes about men and women. All of the jokes she chose displayed disjunctive behavior such as sexual blackmail, or thinking the wife is inferior, or putting your wife down. Although she found a few of these jokes entertaining and funny, she realized how many stereotypes of men and women were being projected in each joke.

Andrea concluded with advice for the future generation. I thought that Andrea learned a lot from doing this report and now realizes how many AUVs are being projected in media, songs, and even jokes on the web.

Advice to Future Generations

The idea of not procrastinating is probably stuck in your head (since everyone has probably included this in their advice section). More important than not procrastinating is to let yourself believe you fully understand the topic without sufficiently preparing for it. It’s easy to let yourself think you can write a 20-page paper just because you read the books and attended class, but this isn’t the case. You will find that a lot of questions you need to answer in your report do not have anything to do with the books and lectures and whatnot. You need to make sure you completely understand the points so that when you start your report, you can give a fresh outlook of the unity model of marriage and how it applies in your life.

With that said, good luck in the class and go start your paper!

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