Report 2: The Unity Model of Marriage
More than just ÒI doÓ
By Paige Kim
The instructions for this report are at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 10
The Question I am answering is Question 4
(a) Consider
Section 21 in the Lecture Notes at www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
It gives
a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy Marriage."
Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are
these good instances of unity values or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using Google to find
advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you
know of the unity model of marriage.
(a) ÒSecrets
to a happy marriageÓ is an article written by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne who is a
marriage and family therapist. In his
article, he lists three secrets he finds are important in having a healthy
marriage.
The first secret is no hidden accounts. Spouses should be open with one another
about any accounts, insurance, savings, retirement money, etc. Any issue of money should be disclosed
to one another. The reason he says
that this is important because it makes partners equally empowered in the
relationship. When both partners
in a marriage feel equally in control and equally sharing of the power in their
relationship, their marriage will be that much more intimate.
The second secret to a happy marriage is that each
spouse must develop good communication skills. Dr. Kuhne continues to give advice for both husband and wife
on what to do to understand each otherÕs language. He advises the husbands to get rid of his Òman languageÓ and
clarify, explain, and communicate with her. For the wife, Dr. Kuhne also tells them to clarify because
women speak differently from men.
Women speak in depth and desire a connection with their husband.
Dr. Kuhne ends secret two concluding that
communication empowers both spouses in love and harmony. He also mentions that what was
considered good communication in the past, is not what it is today. In present time, male domination is
gone where the women had to keep silent in order for a good conversation
between the spouses. Nowadays,
women and men are on equal statuses and a wifeÕs opinion is just as important
as the manÕs.
The third secret to a happy marriage is to praise
your spouse in public and in private.
His main message is that words are powerful. If you use them in a derogatory way to your spouse, this
will damage and destroy their mental health and being. However, if used in the right way
(words of affirmation), you can make your spouse feel valuable and loved. These words of affirmation should be
used in public (about your spouse when he or she is not there) and also in his
or her listening distance. By praising
their abilities, Dr. Kuhne believes you will also start thinking of them more
and the small things that once irritated you will become more manageable.
(b) I donÕt believe these recommendations are fully
compatible with the unity model. These
ideas do stem from unity values but Dr. KuhneÕs explanations of them are not
completely representing the unity model of marriage. If I were to choose a model that this article illustrates, I
would go with the equity model because his main theory is that both individuals
should have equal power in the relationship. In an equity model, husband and wife has still not reached a
conjoint relationship, as we have learned from studying the unity model of
marriage.
For his first secret, both partners should have knowledge
of each otherÕs account. I
understand that is necessary and both wife and husband should not have any
hidden accounts because this would exhibit secrecy. However, if a wife chooses to have a separate account, then
this would be more than acceptable, maybe even necessary. The unity model of marriage would
support the idea of a woman having her own account for purposes of her building
her own credit. A womanÕs
financial status is more important than the manÕs because society downplays a
womanÕs role in financial issues. The
woman is the one who needs to be empowered and having her own separate account
will help her achieve this.
The second secret relates to the unity model if
marriage in a sense that communication is important in your marriage. This is common knowledge. This was also the first article I read
that stated men think women are mind readers rather than the other way around. Dr. Kuhne believes men have a secret Òman
languageÓ and a wife should not be expected to understand. The unity model of marriage would
support this. A man should not use
his Òman language.Ó This confuses
women and separates their intimacy.
A husband is pushing his wife away when he does not communicate in a way
that the wife understands. This would
be an example of unsexy conversation style.
The part in which the second secret does not relate
to the unity model of marriage is when Dr. Kuhne gives an example of what it
means to clarify to your wife. He
uses the example that men should clarify what he means when he wants to sit and
watch television. He would clarify
to his wife that he is not ignoring or avoiding her. However, in the unity model of marriage, this IS avoiding
her. When a man refuses to communicate
with his wife, he is refusing to be conjoined with his wife. Dr. Kuhne should
not use this as an example because a man should not refuse communication no
matter what.
The third secret dealt with praising your
spouse. This is important in the
unity model of marriage as well. As
I mentioned before, unsexy conversation deals when a husband refuses to
communicate with a wife. Unsexy
conversation can also be hurtful words and complaints. Dr. Kuhne states that Òevery time you
share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are
slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them.Ó He continues by saying Òyou are
lowering their value to you.Ó The
unity model of marriage would agree with this. You should never speak badly of your spouse to anyone
(family, friends, etc).
I think the third secret was the most compatible with
the unity model of marriage. Words
of praise are always important in a relationship. Compliments promote warmth and closeness in a
relationship. It also reminds
spouses of how much they love one another.
(c) Searching the web
The first website I found was
marriage advice given by professional counselors. The article that I chose to analyze was similar to Dr. KuhneÕs
article. It is titled ÒMistake
Proof Your Marriage: Do you make
these 3 common mistakes in your marriage?Ó
The three mistakes they chose to write about was
criticizing your spouse, making fun of your spouse, and assuming your work is
done.
This article reflects the unity model of marriage on
a basic level. The advice given
was not in depth but what information the author did give was things that are
important in the unity model of marriage.
Making fun of your spouse is an obvious negative thing that you can do
to your spouse, as well as criticizing them. Criticism and making fun of your spouse is derogatory and
humiliating to your spouse. The
last point this article made was that your work of a marriage relationship is
not done once the ÒI DoÕsÓ are said.
Daily conversations about things of interest, of importance, and your
marriage are necessary. The unity
model of marriage would also agree to this. Having conversations of importance to the wife will create a
mental intimacy between her and her husband.
I thought the advice from this site was very
positive. I briefed a few other
articles on this website and numerous articles stresses the importance of
husbands nurturing emotional intimacy in a marriage. However, even though their advice was positive, some the articles
did not reflect the unity model of marriage. For example an article they had on their website stresses
the importance of husband and wife to have time away from each other so that
new and separate growth can occur.
In my opinion, this article is encouraging independence from your
spouse. In the unity model of
marriage, there is no independence, as you are joined completely with your
spouse.
This isnÕt a site that gives advice to couples, but
rather to men. But I wanted to
include it in this section because it is extremely opposite from the site I
just analyzed above.
As if the title of this site didnÕt give you a big
enough hint, this site is basically a woman-bashing advice and support group
for men. The article I chose to
analyze is titled ÒWhy marriage used to work, but no longer works.Ó
This picture was the only thing in this advice column
with a conclusion which states:
ÒToday,
a marriage is a contract where a man is supposed to provide for a family
financially (90% of women still marry up, even women who make $200K a year),
but a woman is a nagging bitch who stops having sex, makes your life miserable
and ass-rapes you in divorce court.Ó
This article is wrong in so many ways. First off, the picture illustrates the
good wifeÕs guide. I have included
each point as well as my own interpretation as to why this reflects the
dominance and not the unity model of marriage. My reflections are in pink.
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about is needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
*What about the wife? This statement reflects the dominance
model because it is describing how to let your husband know that you are
thinking about him, and disregarding a wifeÕs feelings.
- Prepare
yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch
up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just
been with a lot of work-weary people.
This
is advice Laura Schlessinger (author of The Proper Care and Feeding of
Husbands) would
give. It is stressing the
importance of a woman to look good for her husband but not vice versa. In the unity model of marriage, it is
important for both spouses to look good for one another.
- Be a little gay
and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one
of your duties is to provide it.
*A womanÕs duties should not include being more interesting to him. In fact, a woman has no ÒdutiesÓ in a marriage. The word ÒdutiesÓ refers to an act that is required. When you say a woman has particular duties, you are basically treating her like a slave and putting her below the husband. This does not display conjugial love.
- Clear away the
clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your
husband arrives.
- Gather up
schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
- Over the cooler
months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will
give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with
immense personal satisfaction.
*More advice that Dr. Laura would give. People who are in the dominance model of marriage see catering to your husband as first priority. His comfort comes before the wifeÕs comfort. This is disrespectful behavior to the wife because her husband is put before her comfort and wants. A husband should feel motivated to make her wife feel comfortable. In the unity model of marriage, a husband will strive to do this.
- Prepare the
children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they
are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are
little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all
noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or
vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
- Be happy to see
him.
- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your
desire to please him.
- Listen to him.
You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his
arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -remember, his topics of
conversation are more important than yours.
Dr. Laura has listed all of these things in her book, The
Proper Care and Feeding of husbands.
She believes it is important not to bombard your husband when he comes
home from work. You should let him
have his alone time to unwind and relax.
Then when he is ready, conversation can be initiated. When a husband comes home from work and
refuses communication, he is pushing his wife away and engaging in abusive
behavior according to the unity model of marriage. His topics of conversation are not more important than his
wifeÕs. In fact, it is the other
way around. A wifeÕs ideas and
thoughts are top priority for a husband who is conjoined with his wife. It is more important than his own
thoughts because he wishes cognitive happiness for the wife.
- Make the evening
his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other
places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of
strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
*By using the word Òcomplain,Ó this statement suggests that women only show their dissatisfaction by complaining or whining their way out of it. The word complaining is the same as a ÒnaggerÓ to me. In the unity model of marriage, a woman does not complain. She makes requests. Usually the husband will see them as complaints because he is trying to gain his own independence from her. Women are striving for unity and their requests are important and necessary for the man to fulfill in order for them to form a deeper connection.
Also, this statement suggests that it is okay for a man
to go to places of entertainment without his wife. Going out with your wife is an action that is in the
dominance model of marriage because it displays self-centeredness as well as
independence from his wife.
- Your goal: Try
to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your
husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
- Don't greet him
with complaints and problems.
- Don't complain
if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as
minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
- Make him
comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant
voice.
*Once again this article uses the word complain and also
stresses how a wife should change her verbal behavior (speak in a low soothing
voice) so her husband will be more comfortable.
- Don't ask him
questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he
is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with
fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
*A husband is not the master of the house. This would mean that he would own his
wife, as if she was an object to be possessed. In the unity model of marriage, there is no ÒmasterÓ and a
womanÕs questions are seen as important and not questioning a manÕs integrity.
- A good wife always knows her place.
*What about a manÕs place?!?!
I realize this particular magazine clip was from the
50s. But if you take a look at our
current situation, a lot of relationships live from this model. Men are the masters of the house while
the wifeÕs only duty is to make sure her husband has every one of his needs and
wants met.
After searching the web, I realize that there are
more sites that display the equity and dominance model of marriage, rather than
the unity model of marriage.
The Question I am answering is Question 5
(a)
Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its
perspective, and discussing the authorÕs philosophy or psychology of
relationships between men and women. How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and
what is your evaluation of it?
(b) Find
5 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the
character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to
characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.
(c) Make up a few quotes of your own. In
each case pretend you are either a woman or a man emailing Dr. Laura. Then give
a brief explanation regarding what AUVs are exhibited in each case.
(a) 
The perspective of Dr. Laura Schlessinger would classify
under the dominance model of marriage.
She views men as simple creatures who only yearn for the three AÕs from
their wife: acceptance, approval, and appreciation. In this book, she gives advice
to women on how to treat their husband right. These suggestions range from bedroom manner to changing
their communication patterns to guy time.
The authorÕs philosophy is that a woman can save and heal her marriage
if she just follows these simple guidelines.
This book demonstrates the dominance model of
marriage because it lists things that the woman should do to make her man
happier. Dr. Laura even states
that ÒWomen are insensitive and oblivious to how destructive they are being to
their men.Ó Destructive behavior
to Dr. Laura is when a wife does not provide direct communication, respect, appreciation,
food, and good sex. A woman must
go out of her way to provide these things. She can do this by having a warm meal prepared for him when
he gets home, not pushing him to speak, letting him have guy time, and
providing him sex whenever he wants.
All of the above demonstrates mental abuse,
independence from your wife, and sexual blackmail. These are all traits that are characterized in the dominant
model of marriage. In the
dominance model, the wife makes sure to pleasure her partner and to be
compliant to all of his demands.
In this model, the man is always striving to empower his wife. He does this by abusing and
intimidating her into a submissive position. When a wife doesnÕt follow what he wants, the husband thinks
she is ruining the marriage.
Dr. LauraÕs perspective is that women are ungrateful
these days. Women are trying to
have it all by joining the workforce and maintaining a family and
marriage. She claims that this is
not a womanÕs place. A woman
should take care of the kids and make sure her husband has every need met. I do not agree with this.
I see Dr. LauraÕs approach detrimental to
relationships. I donÕt understand
how she is so popular and how she can continue to give advice to couples. Her advice is negative and cynical. Throughout the book, when she was
giving advice, she used sarcasm, criticism, and name-calling to get her point
across to her female listeners.
Her mentality is stuck in the old days as she criticizes the feminist
perspective from giving too much power to the woman.
I think Dr. LauraÕs approach encourages anti-intimacy
practices. Anti-intimacy practices
are behaviors that a husband does to keep himself from becoming mentally
intimate with his wife. When Dr.
Laura says that it is okay to have alone time and that the wife is a nag, she
is supporting that the man should stay independent from his wife. In fact, in each chapter she had some
behavior that was promoting lack of mental intimacy.
(b) 1st quote:
Ò[My wife] feels
that if she doesnÕt remind me again and again, something wonÕt get done. Bu the fact is, it makes me feel like
her child and that Mommy needs to check up on me. ItÕs degrading.
I want to be admired. I
want to be acknowledged for being the breadwinner and making sure that we are
all taken care of. My greatest
pleasure is when I feel like her hero.
Like her Ôman.Õ Not her boy.Ó
-Evan
Evan displays how his affective self
influences his cognitive and sensorimotor aspects in the threefold self. His affective self is his feelings
towards his wife. He believes that
she is degrading him when she reminds him to do something. Because of his feelings, his thoughts
of his wife are negative. He
believes that she treats him like a son and not a man, the breadwinner of the family. I would only guess that because his
affective and cognitive self are reacting like this, his actions and words are
illustrating this to her (sensorimotor self). Evan is a good example of negative gender behavior. He is creating an unfavorable
atmosphere for his wife by making her feel as if it is bad that she repeatedly
asks him to do something.
2nd quote:
ÒSo my suggestion for your book on
the care and feeding of husbands?
The number one thing I want from my woman is to stop complaining. ItÕs easy to moan about how hard your
life is. When I do catch my wife
in a Ôwilling mood,Õ I first have to endure twenty minutes of her complaining
about this, that, and the other thing before I get to touch her. I figure if I help around the house to
take some of the burden off of her, I would win her affection. Wrong. It is never enough and I am always wrong. A little kindness would go a long way
toward making the marriage better.Ó
-Bruce
Bruce is also creating a negative
stereotype of women (cognitive self).
He is referencing her need to talk as Òcomplaining.Ó He is reasoning to himself and to Dr.
Laura is that this behavior is unacceptable and ruining his marriage. His sensorimotor self is also
disrespecting his wife. His ÒexternalÓ
activity of wanting to touch her is unacceptable because she wants to
communicate with him first. She is
also not reciprocating his behavior, which means they do not have sensorimotor
reciprocity. He is trying to force
her into an external activity of touching one another. Because of all these factors, they do
not have affective reciprocity.
Bruce is not conjoined with his wifeÕs feelings and desires because he
is not abandoning his own wants and needs. He is justifying his behavior as appropriate when he is
clearly hurting his wifeÕs feelings.
3rd quote:
ÒI donÕt understand why women donÕt
understand that sex is a manÕs number one need from his wife. ItÕs not just the act and sensation of
pleasure, but itÕs the acceptance by a woman of her man. ThereÕs a communion that happens during
intercourse that will bond a man to his woman, and he in turn will then begin
to give of himself emotionally to her.
When that need isnÕt met, the man begins to look at his wife as just a
roommate who doesnÕt pay her share of the rent but continues to harp on him
about leaving the toilet seat up.Ó
-Chris
All levels of the threefold self do not
exhibit unity. Chris is
threatening when he says that a wife is seen as a roommate when she doesnÕt
provide her husband with his need of having sex. His cognitive self is justifying that sex is necessary for
the man or else they will feel that a wife is nothing but a complainer. His affective self includes his
feelings and motivations. From
reading this quote, I believe that Chris is thinking of himself and maintaining
his independence. He has not
abandoned his own feelings to adopt his wifeÕs point of view.
4th quote:
ÒWhen I am feeling the most
rejected, I as myself ÔWhy am I here?Õ and ÔWho cares for me?Õ To me, I am
still doing my job of protecting and providing, but I get nothing in
return. When months pass without
sex or affection, the message that I get is that I am undesirable and have no
value. If I were appreciated, I
would be Ôloved.Õ Caring and nurturing
is what I need to feel healthy and happy.Ó
-
Mike
Mike has also adopted independence and
is exerting a dominant role. He
states that without sex, he feels undesirable. He doesnÕt think about how the wife feels without
affection. He is feeling
disconnected to his wife because of this (affective self). He is also not achieving cognitive
conjunction with his wife because his thoughts are not aligned with hers. MikeÕs relationship has not reached the
conjoint self because he has not stepped down to let his wife lead. Instead he questions why he is in the
relationship.
5th quote:
ÒWives want romance, hugs, kisses,
and surprises. They would get more
of these things if they hadnÕt just told hubby he was stupid or that a night
out with the guys was tantamount to abandonmentÉ or that four hours out of 168
to myself is overly selfish or self-indulgent.Ó
-Jim
Jim has also not reached a conjoint
self with his spouse. Jim wants
time away from his partner and it seems he is exaggerating how much time he
wants away from his partner. He
wants to exclude his partner and is retaining his involvement with her. This is displaying affective
disjunction. Jim does not display cognitive
reciprocity with his spouse because he desires things that she does not
want. The wife wants togetherness
when she asks for time together, but he is mentally abusing her when he chooses
to exclude her out of his activities.
(c) ÒMy wife is always telling me I break promises but she
doesnÕt realize that men just donÕt remember everything a wife says everyday of
his life. Wives just say too many
unnecessary information.Ó
-Bob
An anti-unity value that is displayed
in this quote is breaking promises.
In the unity model of marriage, when a man breaks his promise, he is committing
mental abuse. Bob is basically
saying that what his wife says is forgettable and not important. In the unity model of marriage, a man
should put his wife before him.
Everything she says is important and he should never break his promises.
ÒWhen I do something wrong, my wife
will get on my case. I donÕt
understand. I apologize and
everything. IsnÕt that
enough? She needs to just get over
it.Ó
-Andrew
Another anti-unity value is the idea
that a man does not need to ÒgrovelÓ when he apologizes. An apology is enough and she should not
ask for more even if her feelings are hurt. In the unity model of marriage, this is an AUV because the
husband is not striving to please her.
He is upsetting her by not giving in to what she wants. He thinks of her as being unreasonable and
selfish but he is the one being the insensitive one.
The Question I am answering is Question 6
Question
6:
(a) Consider
Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the
Lecture Notes www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe
the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex
to the idea of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find
some examples on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give
full reference).
VS 
(a) In Section 5.1, it describes the difference of
love of the sex vs. love of one of the sex. Love of the sex is non-exclusive sex and derives from our
hellish minds. In non-exclusive
sex, a husband and wife have sensorimotor conjunction but not conjunctive
conjunction since they are not mentally intimate. Human beings have an innate capacity to enjoy non-exclusive
sex with others without mental intimacy or mutual caring.
On the other hand, we are capable of enjoying
exclusive sex with one person that we are mentally intimate with. This is referred to as mutual exclusive
love and derives from our heavenly mind. This is love of one of the sex Love of one of the sex is when a husband does not just
perform sensorimotor coupling, but conjunctive and affective coupling. This is because their relationship is
on a spiritual-sensual sexuality level.
This kind of love, which is conjugial love, consist of greater pleasure
and passion than love with non-exclusive interests.
A quote from the writings Sacred Scripture states
that:
ÒLove of the sex is love towards
many of the sex and with many, but conjugial love is love towards one of the sex
and with one. Love towards many
and with many is a natural love, for man has it in common with beasts and
birds, and these are natural, but conjugial love is a spiritual love and
peculiar and proper to humans, because humans were created and are therefore
born to become spiritual.Ó
This description shows us why humans who choose to
engage in love of the sex are just primates with beastly characteristics. But when that person chooses to move
beyond that, they will experience the highest form of love. Conjugial love will benefit their
marriage and they will prosper in the closest intimacy and passion that they
have never experienced when they were engaging in love of the sex,
(b) Juggling
Multiple Partners
This is a website that they claim is a ÒmenÕs portalÓ
into knowing everything a man needs to know. In this particular article, it gives advice on how to juggle
multiple women. It then proceeds
to give advice on what the best way is to go about this. The article does not mention actually
telling the woman you want to see other people; it says that men should imply
it because then he will not be misleading her. The article also tells men to not tell the truth because if
they do, it will ultimately destroy his purpose of having multiple partners
(because the woman will leave).
This article also has a link referring you to
purchase their ÒplayerÕs secret sex guide.Ó In this web subscription, it claims that it can help the man
improve his ÒgameÓ and how to seduce ladies into the bedroom and make sure she
leaves it satisfied.
I thought this website was good representation of
what society is promoting. Women are seen as objects that are there for sexual
purposes. Women are supposed to sexually
gratify and please their men but not necessarily the other way around. After understanding the differences
between love of the sex and love of one of the sex, I can see that this website
follows love of the sex. This is
because sex is seen as primal and unnecessary to be shared with just one
partner. It encourages men to want
to engage in this non-exclusive sexual behavior. When men ÒjuggleÓ women around, they are not committing to
them. They are opposing
spirituality and affective conjunction.
I wasnÕt extremely shocked by this article because
our everyday media promotes promiscuity.
It is just sad to see how many people read and subscribe to this website
(5 million readers a month).
Increasing
the Female Sex Drive
This is a site that gives free online medical
advice. The people who answer
these questions are a team of experts appointed by the Commission of the
European Communities.
The article that I chose to review was titled ÒFemale
Orgasm. How to give a female an
orgasm.Ó This article took on a
much healthier approach. A guy
wrote in to ask whatÕs wrong with his girlfriend. She never has an orgasm and she is never in the mood. He is frustrated and calls her lazy
because she wonÕt see a doctor. He
asks what he needs to do to fix the problem.
The advice given was that he needs to stop treating
her like a Òservice provider.Ó
Women need to feel that the relationship is good first, in order to feel
desire. It is not about the
orgasm. She could be stressed, or
need more foreplay, or tired. All
of these things, they advise, are very important. Each reason why she is not in the mood needs to be met with
sensitivity and respect. They also
conclude that his approach is wrong.
He is criticizing her when he calls her Òlazy.Ó He needs to respect her decision to not
go see a doctor. They also advise
him to listen to what she says and understand her feelings and needs.
This article was a good example of love of one of the
sex. The authors giving the advice
are urging the man to put his wife ahead of his wants. To do this, he needs to learn how to
properly and respectfully treat her.
I think this article displayed coupling on all three levels
(sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective) because it is promoting the wifeÕs
needs and wishes ahead of the mans.
The Question I am answering is Question 7
Question
7:
(a) Consider
Section 17a. Gender Discourse Within the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain
in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife
reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you
discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.
(b)
Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned
throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners.
Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to
understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an
actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and
adapt it so it fits with this answer.)
(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining
to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.
(a) The conversational style can say a lot about a
relationship between husband and wife.
This is because conversation reflects on what you are thinking
(cognitive) which ultimately affects and operates the feelings and motivations
you have in your relationship (affective). Discourse and conversational style directly relates to the
sensorimotor self.
In the dominance model of marriage, communication
deals with a lot of unsexy conversation by the husband. On the sensorimotor or external level,
a husband would interrupt her, call her names, make fun of her, and use nonverbal
behavior to intimidate or punish her.
A husband in this model would use mental abuse by swearing and yelling
at her. He would also use
derogatory names or criticize her.
Other disjunctive behaviors in conversation a husband
in the dominance model would do are to deny and refuse. He refuses to take her point of view on
things and also denies her the ability to speak her own opinion. He will also participate in secrecy and
lies. This includes talking to
friends, children, or family about his wife or anything in general and not
telling his wife. He does this
because he is maintaining his independence from her and trying to control
her.
A wife who has a husband in the dominance model might
feel scared or less important then her husband. This is because his conversation is constantly putting her
down. He ignores her and brushes
her off because on a cognitive level, he does not find her as intelligent as
himself.
In the equity model of marriage, conversation shifts
gears to focus not on the husband but on the topic or task. Conversation in this model would
include the husband exaggerating and lying to control her, calling her bad
names, criticizing her, and defending his views. He uses these tactics because on a cognitive level, the
husband still does not believe a wifeÕs thoughts are as important as his
own. He considers his thoughts to
be the rational one of the relationship.
In the equity model of marriage, a husband will still
try to retain some areas of independence.
This shows in his conversational style because it is still not pleasant
for his wife. The husband is still
making his wife suffer by not giving her full mental intimacy.
In the unity model of marriage, conversation is
focused on the wife. The husband,
in this model, does not talk in an unfriendly tone. He also does not interrupt her, criticize her, or put her
down in any way. He is always
interested in what she has to say. A husband does not have any secrets from his
wife so he does not need to lie to her.
His wifeÕs thoughts are more important than his own and he is always striving
to fulfill her mental intimacy needs.
In the unity model of marriage, the conversation between spouses would
display sensorimotor reciprocity.
This is because the man is putting his wife ahead of everything and he
shows this to her by engaging in positive, spiritual, and healthy conversation.
(b) Here is a conversation that exhibits elements of
unsexy conversational style of married partners. This is a scene in which a couple is deciding what activity
to do:
1. Maria: What do you want to do today?
2.
Jack: I donÕt know. I donÕt care.
3.
Maria: Okay, how about we
go eat at that restaurant IÕve always wanted to try?
4.
Jack: Fine.
(After dinner)
5.
Jack: You always choose
crappy restaurants to eat at. I
donÕt even know why I bother to do whatever you want to do.
6.
Maria: But I asked you and
you said you didnÕt care.
7.
Jack: Because I know you
will whine and bitch if I donÕt do what you want to do.
8.
Maria: ThatÕs not true. You should have told me what you wanted
to do.
9.
Jack: I am not going to
argue about this. IÕm leaving.
Here is the revised conversation that would illustrate
a sexy conversational style:
10.
Maria: What do you want to
do today?
11.
Jack: I really donÕt
care. ItÕs up to you.
12.
Maria: Okay, how about we
go eat at the restaurant IÕve always wanted to try?
13.
Jack: Sure, I wanted to try
that as well.
(c) You can see how each line would display unsexy
conversational style by the husband.
In line 1 she is asking what he wants to do. He says he doesnÕt care but then goes against it as the
dialog proceeds. In line 5, he is
blaming her for what a bad restaurant it was. He is criticizing her and then says he doesnÕt like any of the
restaurants she chooses (as if it is her fault). Then in line 6, when she proceeds to comment and talk about
the problem, he criticizes her again in line 7. He uses denigrating and name-calling to get his point across. He is also intimidating her by telling
her that her choices of restaurant are up to his standards. In line 8, Maria continues to talk
about the problem but in line 9, Jack shuts her out and walks away from the
problem. This is displaying his
lack of wanting to communicate with his wife. He is not trying to communicate conjunctively and also, his
cognitive thoughts are thoughts against his wife. His actions are displaying that he thinks her choices are
horrible and he is just follows along with what she wants to do because he
doesnÕt want to hear her complain.
In the sexy conversational style, Jack is showing
conjunctive replies. In line 11,
he leaves it up to her to make the decision. Then when she suggests the restaurant, he replies with Òsure.Ó He is showing conjunctive replies
because he is putting his wife before himself and displaying that in his
communication. In this
relationship, he and his wife engage in sexy and healthy conversation.
The Question I am answering is Question 10
Question
10:
(a)
Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How
is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to
become a couple?
(b)
Describe the current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use
what you already know from your life observations as well as what you can
observe on the Web or other online type activities that are popular.
(c) Can you think of improvements in
these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is
practiced at its best?
(a) <