PSY409b October 13, 2006
Advice for the men
By Paige Kim

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James  

 

Coleman, Joshua Ph.D. (2005) The Lazy Husband (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin’s Press) Reviewing pages 182-191

I.               Laziness is a matter of perspective

a.    Your wife may be really difficult

b.    “I don’t necessarily think that it’s all about you changing.”

c.     The best way to change your partner is to change yourself

II.              Housework and Sex 

a.    Women are more interested in having sex when they’re married to men who are more willing to do housework (John Gottman)

                                                     i.     Housework may seem trivial to men, but women see it as a big issue affecting their sex life

b.    A good sex life is not first on a woman’s list

                                                     i.     A man’s affection, caring, communication, and his interest in the kids are more important than a good sex life

c.     Why is their a difference between men and women when it comes to sex?

                                                     i.     Sex isn’t scarce for women

                                                      ii.     What is scare for women is a man who is willing to help raise children, do housework, and talk about his feelings

1.    When a guy does these things, it makes her feel cared about

                                                        iii.     From an evolutionary standpoint

1.    Sexual interest is tied to stress for women

a.    Women only ovulate once a month, so they have very few opportunities to spread their genes over a course of their lifetime

b.    Men can spread genes on a daily basis, so they do not have much stress and they worry less about their offspring surviving and more about maximizing the opportunities to spread their genes

d.    “I can’t meet her standards for housework”

                                                     i.     There is a possibility that you use her high standards against her as a way to get out of housework

                                                      ii.     Suggestion:  sit down with her and tell her that “you are willing to begin doing things differently around the house”

                                                        iii.     Other suggestions:

1.    Write out a list with her of what she’d like you to do

a.    It is not a tit-for-tat fight!

2.    See there are bargains that can be made

a.    There’s almost always a win-win solution in every household

3.    Don’t fight with her so much

a.    “Couples who had the best marriages were those where the husband didn’t fight his wife’s influence” (Gottman)

b.    Don’t see marriage as a power struggle, or a matter of right or wrong

c.     “In marriage, you can be right or you can be happy, but sometimes you can’t be both!”

                                                       iv.     However, maybe it could be that you (husband) needs to learn how to be stronger with your wife

1.    All stems from your childhood and your relationship with your family and peers

a.    Ignored may lead to being passive while being in a family who is competitive may lead to assertiveness

b.    Passivity and Assertiveness may lock you into a bad marital dynamic (if husband and wife resent each other)

c.     If you are passive, you must learn how to be more direct

d.    Examine your Childhood

1.    Understand how your childhood caused you to take the position that you’ve taken in marriage

III.            Parenting

a.    If you (the husband) are not superinvolved with your children, it’s partly because your wife is overinvolved

b.    Men respond less quickly to children’s frustrations and cries

c.     Children who are raised by involved fathers have a better emotional security as well as attachment

d.    Tell your wife that you need less involvement by her

                                                     i.     No supervision when you (the husband) is taking care of your child

1.    Because when she supervises, her criticisms makes you feel like giving up

                                                      ii.     You want the opportunity to make your own mistakes

 

Related Links:

 

1.  How to get a man to do housework

http://sheknows.com/about/look/6382.htm

 

This site revolves around negotiating and communication as a means to get husbands to do housework.  This article was written by a man, Marty Friedman.  His position is much like Joshua Coleman’s in a sense that he believes that if you communicate to your husbands (in a respectful, loving way), you can get him to do chores around the house.  He lists other recommendations such as keeping the conversation low-key, making it personal, and not criticizing or belittling your husband.  Marty Friedman added a little side note in the last paragraph of the article:  “Don’t expect massive changes right away.  Men haven’t been expected to do much housework over the last several thousand years and we are making a tough transition to the 21st Century’s brave new world.”  I found this hilarious, as well as a pathetic excuse.  Now that I have learned more about the unity model of marriage, I know that if men want to keep their women happy, they just need to do it and stop complaining.  If women can do housework, then they can do it.  I chose this article because

 

2. Men do more housework than women think

http://www.careerjournal.com/columnists/workfamily/20050520-workfamily.html

 

This was a research study by sociology professors that came to the conclusion that men do more housework than women think.  According to their studies, husbands do 39% of chores around the house (women estimate men do 33%).  However, women overestimate the tasks they do around the house.  Women believe they do 67% of the housework when in actuality they do 61%.  According to this study, women still feel burdened even though men are doing a bigger share of chores than their wives think.  I thought this article was funny because 61% and 39% is still a huge gap in doing chores.  This article made it seem like just because men have increased their role in housework (from the past), they are doing a good job and their wives are not giving them the full credit.  I think this is a good example of anti-unity in marriage because just because men are doing a little more, does not mean the times have changed into a non-dominant model of marriage.  Men still have a lot of work to do!!!

 

3.  Men and housework

http://www.positive-way.com/men,.htm

 

This site illustrates an equity model of marriage opinion.  It promotes the idea that wives and husbands are happier when chores are divided equally.  Any inequities in chore division will make the woman happy, in turn affecting the quality of marriage for the man.  It suggests that men should do housework because it is good for their health and will reduce their stress.  I picked this article because I thought it was a good representation of the equity model. However, I think this article is kind of bribing a husband into doing housework (because it is good for their health).  Husbands should take the Unity model of marriage outlook and do housework because it pleases their wives.   

 

MyHomepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/kim/kim-home.htm

ClassHomepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm