PSY409b October 13, 2006
Characteristics of Husband’s Threefold self during discourse
By Paige Kim

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James  

 

Leon, James (2006) Lecture notes on The Unity Model of Marriage.  Reviewing section 17a Part 4.  Online at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm 

I.               Discourse

a.    Threefold self of a person is always involved during discourse

                                                     i.     (External Sensorimotor):  words we speak, tone of voice, gestures

                                                      ii.     (Cognitive):  thinking

                                                        iii.     (Affective):  what motivates what we are thinking, and hence, what we are saying

II.              Dominance model of discourse

a.    Focuses on the husband

b.    Sensorimotor (external)

                                                     i.     Interrupts her

                                                      ii.     Calls her names

                                                        iii.     Uses harsh tones

                                                       iv.     Uses gestures to intimidate or punish her

c.     Cognitive (internal)

                                                     i.     Thinks that women are less intelligent than men

                                                      ii.     Dismisses her views

d.    Affective (inmost)

                                                     i.     Loves to dominate her (more than being intimate)

                                                      ii.     Prefers the company of men to women

III.            Equity model of discourse

a.    Focus on topic or task

b.    Sensorimotor (external)

                                                     i.     Talks like he is always out to defend his views

                                                      ii.     Exaggerates and lies

                                                        iii.     Calls her derogatory names

c.     Cognitive (internal)

                                                     i.     Thinks that her views are not as relevant to the specific situation

                                                      ii.     Consider his views fair and rational

                                                        iii.     Hides his feelings to control her

d.    Affective (inmost)

                                                     i.     Loves to retain for himself some areas of independence

                                                      ii.     Resists the wife, thereby the wife suffers

IV.            Unity model of discourse

a.    Focuses on his wife

b.    Sensorimotor (external)

                                                     i.     Tries to never talk in an unfriendly tone

                                                      ii.     Doesn’t interrupt her

                                                        iii.     Always appears interested, involved, and supportive

c.     Cognitive (internal)

                                                     i.     Thinks that his views don’t matter as much as his wife’s views (since he is adopting her views for the sake of unity)

d.    Affective (inmost)

                                                     i.     Loves to make his wife more important in his mind than himself

                                                      ii.     Loves mental intimacy with her

V.             A wife’s observations

a.    A wife can recognize what the husband is thinking and feeling

                                                     i.     If she feels interrupted and/or intimidated or scared, she knows that he loves to dominate her more than he wants to be mentally intimate

                                                      ii.     If a wife observes that her husband’s main thing is to defend his views, she knows that he thinks his views are rational while hers are biased

                                                        iii.     If a wife observes her husband’s talking as pleasant and considerate, she knows they are in the heavenly zone and that he thinks her views matter more to him than his own

1.    This is the ultimate happiness and peace she wants!!

 

 Related Links:

 

1.  Increasing intimacy in a relationship

http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/marital_intimacy.aspx

 

This article discussed the different forms of intimacy.  Mental intimacy is important, as we have learned from the unity model of marriage, but so is financial intimacy, spiritual intimacy, recreational intimacy, and emotional intimacy.  These forms of intimacy reiterate what is important in the unity model of marriage.  For example, having separate accounts is unacceptable in the unity model of marriage and this article agrees with that.  I chose this article in relation to this section I have reviewed because it talks about what goes into mental intimacy and how it is important in a relationship.  However, it concludes with something an equity or dominance model therapist would say:  that despite the need for strong intimacy, you need separate time apart from each other because not one person can fulfill all your needs.     

 

2. How to have a great conversation

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Great-Conversation

 

This is a how-to on how to have a good conversation.  Some of the points can be applied to the unity model of marriage, but not all.  Some things that can be applied to the unity model of marriage is that a husband can learn to forget about himself during a conversation and find out what the wife is interested in.  He can also participate in good active listening and ask clarifying questions.  This will help show to his wife that he is genuinely interested in what she has to say.  A tip from this article that cannot be applied to the unity model of marriage is that it is okay to disagree because it displays your difference to the person as well as your individuality.  Once again, in the unity model of marriage, it is not okay to be an individual with your wife.  When you are unified, you are not independent, on all three levels.  This article was more of a how-to for people who want conversations with acquaintances, not their spouses, which is why it promotes individuality.  However, I think all of the other tips are good to take into account when you are having a conversation with your spouse.

 

3.  Verbal abuse

http://cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm

 

Verbal abuse is what happens in dominant and equity model of marriages.  Name-calling, teasing, patronizing, and yelling are just a few examples of verbal abuse.  I chose this article because it explains just how damaging verbal abuse is.  It creates invisible scars and destroys your confidence.  I think we must recognize the signs of verbal abuse because some women don’t realize the verbal abuse because they accept their husband’s excuses.  This site provides a great list of excuses your husband could use on you.  It also provides great tips on how to get out of a verbally abusive relationship.  I believe that in some ways, verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.  I think this relates to what we are learning because the unity model of marriage promotes a healthy and happy conversation between spouses, free of any kind of verbal abuse.  This is important in your marriage!     

 

My Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/kim/kim-home.htm

Class Homepage: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm