Report: 2
The Unity Model of Marriage
My thoughts on the Unity Model of
Marriage
By: Michael Malala
The instructions for
this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I am answering
Questions 7, 3, 10, 4, and 6.
The question I am answering is
Question 7
(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse within
the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife
reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you
discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.
The healthier the
communication level is in a marriage the healthier the intimacy is. It’s pretty
straight forward if you follow the dominance model the communication is not
very clear so in return the intimacy is not very good. The equity model still allows for
miscommunication between the couple so at times the intimacy will be good but
then again it could be bad. In the Unity
Model the communication is very clear and the wife is running the show. In
order to be in the unity model the husband and wife must be conjoined at the
affective level that means no arguing or fighting.
When a husband or
boyfriend is in the dominance model he doesn't care if the wife finds him sexy
or not, it's more important to him that he controls his wife. When in the
dominance model the husband or boyfriend is full of himself and his focus is on
himself. The wife or girlfriend is expected to cooperate and be obedient. Since
the focus is on the man the husband thinks he has the right to interrupt her at
anytime. He also thinks that what she
has to say doesn’t really matter so he doesn’t pay attention. The wife takes a
lot of abuse in this model and her feelings for him are wounded, and sometimes
even eliminated.
Women see the intensity of
a man interacting with her at the verbal level as a direct indication of the
level he is interacting with her on the mental level. So if a husband wants to
get his wife in the mood it starts verbally not physically. Women naturally evaluate
the man's conversation as either sexy or unsexy. They
respond with warm feelings to their husband or boyfriend when he uses a sexy
conversational style. They respond very negatively when the man uses the unsexy style of communication with her.
In the equity model the
husband realizes that he is taking advantage of his wife and “tries” to change.
But even in the equity model the husband is still going to interrupt his wife,
talk about what he wants to talk about, and disrespect her. All the equity model
allows the wife to do is put up a fight against her husband’s individualistic
ways, in the dominance model the wife submits to these ways.
The husband needs to learn
how to give his wife the feeling that he is interested in what she has to talk
about. He has to sacrifice and give up his focus on himself and start focusing
on his wife. One of the hardest things for men to do is to bite their tongue
when they want to say something negative or try and switch topics. It’s all
about repetition, the more you do it the easier it becomes and the better your
relationship gets.
The husband needs to act
hot when engaged in conversation with his wife.
Acting hot is basically acting interested in what she has to say. The
husband must keep eye contact and enthusiastic body language he can’t be
slouched over with arms folded. He must be deeply engaged in the conversation
so he can react to her facial expressions and body gestures for example if she
smiles, he smiles and if she frowns, he frowns.
Following these simple guidelines will guarantee a smoother healthier
relationship.
In the dominance model of
marriage, the man’s mind is focused upon himself. The man doesn’t pay
attention to what his wife thinks of him, sexy or unsexy,
he doesn’t care. The husband controls his wife so that he can get sex
whenever he wants, which is more important to him than his wife. The wife
is expected to cooperate and be obedient, meaning that when she is speaking, he
has the right to interrupt her. In the dominance model the man injures
and eliminates the wife’s sexual feelings.
In the equity model,
the focus of the husband is on the topic or task. The husband’s
conversational style is still seen as unsexy by his
wife when he defends his own ideas and opinions. Although the husband’s
views are usually fair and rational in the equity model he still thinks his
wife’s ideas aren’t relevant to the specific situation.
The unity model is the
only level in which you can find sexy conversation styles. Unlike the
dominance and equity model, in the unity model the focus of the husband is on
his wife. In the unity model the husband has abandoned his independent
self and conjoined with his wife to form the new conjoint self. In this new
commitment his wife is now more important than himself.
(b) Create a conversation
between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a
regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add
whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going
on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you
heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with
this answer.)
This dialogue takes place
at a young couple’s home in
Dialogue
1) Kelsi: (sarcastically) I like how you fixed the
garbage disposal.
2) Keao: What the hell are you talking about?
3) Kelsi: You know what I am talking about you told me last
week you were going to fix it.
4) Keao: Well obviously I didn’t but I’ll do it when I can.
5) Kelsi: (raises her voice) No, I want you to do it now!
6) Keao: (raises his voice) What?!
Who the hell you think you are talking to? You don’t tell me when to do
stuff…I’ll do it when I am ready to do it.
7) Kelsi: The dishes are piling up because the sink is
clogged.
8) Keao: Well maybe if you paid attention to what you put
down the sink it would still work.
9) Kelsi: Don’t blame this on me, why can’t you just fix it
now?
10) Keao: Why can’t you stop being a fricken
irritating pest? Maybe after I have a cold Heineken and relax for a little bit
I’ll fix it. Can you grab me a beer?
11) Kelsi: Grab your own damn beer…I’ll fix the sink myself!
12) Keao: Just wait until I’m done and I’ll do it.
13) Kelsi: I wish you would have fixed it last week and if
you weren’t going to fix it you could have at least warned me. I could have
called (interrupted) someone to come fix it.
14) Keao: (interrupts) Quit
whining and leave me alone…. I’m going out with the boys!
(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers
what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.
This dialogue is a great
example of a typical fight for normal couples. It starts with the husband
coming home from a long day at work and as soon as he comes home the wife starts
asking him to do this and that. The husband eventually gets irritated and snaps
and then the arguing starts. Couples that fight like this on a regular basis
probably won’t last very long.
Throughout the entire
dialogue the couples talk to each other in an unsexy
way. In line 6 Keao
is flat out telling his wife that he is better than her and if he doesn’t wan
to do something he’s not going to do it.
In line 6 and 10 he calls her names and raises his voice this is
definitely examples of unsexy conversation style. Keao and his wife are in the dominance model because Keao puts himself and his views ahead of hers.
In line 13 Kelsi basically tells Keao how
she is hurt that he didn’t tell her that he wasn’t going to fix the sink. Kelsi is mad because he didn’t communicate with her not
because the sink is broken. It’s not that hard to tell your wife that you are
too tired to fix the sink and she should call a professional to come over and
fix it.
In the last line you see Keao disrespect his wife by interrupting her when she is in
the middle of a sentence. Keao obviously thinks he is more important than his spouse
so he feels he has the right to interrupt her. Keao
being in the dominant position does not allow Kelsi
to say or do whatever she wants. As long as Keao
holds on to his dominant independent ways the relationship will continue to be
unhealthy and the conversations will continue to be unsexy.
Keao must learn how to put his wife as his first
priority for their relationship to be successful. He needs to listen to
his wife and if she asks him to do something then he should do it, not when he
wants, when she asks. If Keao can get rid of his
independent mind set then he can finally treat his wife how she deserves to be
treated.
The question I am answering is
Question 3
I have selected three
student’s reports on marriage from Generation 20, 21, and 22. From
Generation 20, I have chosen to review Suzanne Howard, Cheryl Sabey from Generation 21, and Michelle Horst from
Generation 22. All of these students did an outstanding job on their
reports and they all approached their papers differently.
Suzzane Howard Report 1:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/howard/report2.htm
Suzanne Howard’s Report 1
is about gender and relationships. Suzanne has chosen 10 articles and has
summarized and discussed three important points from each article. She
gives her honest opinion about each article. Some of these articles are
about how men and women talk differently. Some are about the differences
between men and women as proposed by Emanuel Swedenborg.
Others are about the
Suzanne started off her
report by selecting three student reports from previous generations that have
something to do with gender relationships. She talked about a topic discussed
in their reports that was interesting to her and whether or not she agreed with
them.
The first report that
Suzanne chose was from Bridget Antonio (Generation 16). The topic she chose to discuss was three fold
self. The three fold self is what we are
feeling (affective), what we are thinking (cognitive), and what we are doing (sensorimotor) with our significant other. Suzanne agreed with Bridget and she said that
it is important to understand all aspects of the three fold self and also know
that all of the aspects of the threefold self are interrelated.
The next report Suzanne
selected was from “Special K” (Generation 16).
The main theme of this report is rage against women especially in
The final report Suzanne
picked was from Czarina Naranjo (Generation 8). Czarina’s report was on the difference
between men and women drivers. Her report really focused on the over generalization
of the number of bad women drivers out there just because some people have
witnessed a few bad female drivers. Suzanne thinks that Czarina is being sexist
towards men in her report and just because men tend to be more aggressive
drivers doesn’t mean their bad drivers.
Suzanne then selected 10
articles from the class reading list.
She read the articles and selected 3 ideas, concepts, or principles that
she felt was worth focusing on. She was to either agree or disagree with the idea
and explain why.
After she finished all of
that she was to explain how the assignment helped her identify with her own
ideas on gender relationships. Suzanne
concluded that after learning the material she greater understands the differences
between men and women and of gender relationships in general. Suzanne found
that it is important to recognize what type of relationship that you have in
order to understand what you need to work on to make it better.
What Suzanne gained from doing her
report?
At first Suzanne thought
the equity model was the best model out there but after doing all of this
research she now agrees with the unity model. It’s hard for her to see that a
man or a woman should have more power over the other in a romantic
relationship. She feels that the best possible type of relationship would take
some elements from the equity model and some from the unity model and combine
the two.
How do her ideas influence what I
think about these issues?
I agree with Suzanne’s
beliefs about this material. I have a
hard time as a male giving in to a woman without putting up a fight. Suzanne
said it perfectly “It’s Hard to believe that a man or a woman should have all
the power in a romantic relationship.” I do believe that women in today’s harsh
world are not treated how they should be. It’s hard to change when our mass
media push women as sex objects.
Cheryl Sabey
Report 2:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm
Cheryl had to choose five
questions to answer from a list of thirteen. The questions must be answered on
the basis of the Required Readings listed in the Lecture Notes. After answering
the questions according to the readings, she can answer from her own
perspective.
Cheryl chose question #2
which was to contrast the three views
of gender relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen,
Laura Schlessinger, and Leon James. She then had to
make a chart and then reflect on what she had discovered.
Cheryl
views of the chart are that she
doesn’t necessarily agree with only one view she agrees with parts of all the
three views. She liked how Tannen showed how to be
proper and respectful of the other person by listening or speaking up. James’ view opposes the tradition of society
where the male is dominant and places emphasis on the female’s perspectives and
she thinks that is always good.
The next question Cheryl
picked was number #5 she had to select
six student reports on marriage from Generation 20 and summarize them. After she read them she was to discuss them
and come up with a general conclusion about their ideas, methods and
explanations.
Suzanne Howard’s report 2
is up first. Suzanne had to select three reports from a previous generation and
summarize them. One of the main ideas is that it’s important to understand the
threefold self and how it should be applied to oneself. She also brings up a
very interesting point she believes that conjugial
love should be applied to unmarried couples and same-sex couples. Overall
Cheryl pretty much agrees with Suzanne she especially agrees that many
assumptions about certain gender attributes are stereotypical and that many of
these things are biased in research.
The last report 2 I will
be looking at is by Shortcake. Shortcake
takes her relationship with her spouse and explains how she applied the three
areas of the conjoint self to her own married life. She started observing
behaviors in each of the three fold self (sensorimotor,
cognitive, and affective) and using everyday tendencies or past experiences to
learn that her relationship was headed in the right direction.
Cheryl felt that Shortcake
clearly presented her report in an interesting manner because of her
relationship experiences. Shortcakes method was extremely clever in that she
applied the material to her everyday married life. Cheryl really enjoyed
Shortcakes report mainly because she took such a unique approach.
Next
Cheryl was to Consider Table 6 in the
Lecture Notes and do two things First explain what this table is trying to show
and how it is doing that and Second create a similar table of 20 new items that
she had to make up herself. Cheryl
completed her table and found similar results to Dr. James.
Cheryl’s results show that
the dominance model has the overall major difference with the unity model they
almost oppose each other. She also found that the dominance model has such a
different perspective then the unity model because of how it concentrates
mainly on ones self rather then on a couple’s relationship as a whole. The more
emphasis there is on the dominance model the more improvement must be made.
The next question Cheryl
chose to do was to analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by
Laura Schlessinger and find 10 brief quotes from what
they wrote, and analyze each one, showing the character of their threefold
self.
I chose three quotes that
caught my attention to explain. Quote 1: “Men are only interested in two
things: If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.” JOHN (pg. xiii) In Cheryl’s
analysis she thought John’s focused mainly on the sensorimotor
area. He expressed his external needs by saying he only finds pleasure
out of sex and eating. He also expressed his domineering tone that
demands to his wife that he must have these things. She feels this
husband’s motives are mainly to please himself.
Quote 2 “When I feel that
my wife feels safe in my arms then I know that I am doing my job. To be desired
is an extension of this closeness.” MIKE (pg. 132) In Cheryl’s analysis she
feels Mike is expressing sensorimotor conjunction
where he is physically pleasured by holding his wife. She thinks he finds
that hugging her creates a pleasurable feeling of him being the
protector. When she hugs back, he feels that they connect on a spiritual
level.
The final quote that I
selected is “My wife still doesn’t get it. I would be much more willing to do
the chores she wants me to do if I got some show of appreciation for doing
them.” CHARLIE (pg. 45) Cheryl thinks Charlie is focusing on the sensorimotor area because he wants attention and mental
pleasures to motivate him to do things that he doesn’t like to do.
Charlie yearns to be appreciated by any physical affectionate action.
The last task Cheryl had
to do was to take a look Tables 7a and 7b.
After studying the tables she was to imagine herself in a relationship
or use some other couple she knows and create two similar tables using the
concepts "being close" and "not getting along."
Cheryl said the ennead
chart of marriage defines feelings of not getting along in the three models:
unity, equity, and dominance models. Her
chart shows activities that she picked out from her own experience, observation
in the media, and from other relationships around me. Cheryl felt this task was a little harder to
accomplish because she could not think of examples right away. She had to picture herself in each model and
predict what would happen. She feels
this table helps her to compare her own relationship to the three marriage models.
What Cheryl gained from doing her
report?
Cheryl got to learn a lot
of different perspectives about how relationships work. She is now able to
carry many of these theories and apply it to her own relationship. The models that were presented in class
helped her to look into her own relationship and figure out which model she
fell into. Doing this report also helped
me to understand how things in society and the media interfere with the
realities of life. Reading other
student’s reports and opinions she was able to broaden her horizons on the
topic of marriage.
How do her ideas influence
what I think about these issues?
I can agree with
everything that Cheryl has discussed in her report. After reading her
report I am more aware of how a relationship should look like. I do not think I
am quite at the unity model just yet but I would definitely like to get there
one day. The majority of Cheryl’s report was based on quotes and charts that
viewed the reality of the influences of media, her current relationship, and
what a unity relationship should look like.
Michelle
Horst Report 2:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/409b-g22-report2.htm
Michelle had to choose
five questions to answer from a list of thirteen. The questions must be
answered on the basis of the Required Readings listed in the Lecture Notes.
After answering the questions according to the readings, she can answer from
her own perspective. She chose questions 3, 4, 6, 9 and 12.
Michelle began her report
by trying to explain why a perfectly happy couple would begin fighting and the
cause of the fight. She also discussed how married partners could reverse this
flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. Michelle answers these questions
by applying the unity model and the three fold self.
Michelle then continued
her report by selecting one or two techniques explained in the lecture notes
and then do a mini-experiment. In the experiment she used the technique she
chose to analyze interactions between couples. After her experiment she
described what she found and explained it.
The next concept that
Michelle describes is what Table 6 in the Lecture Notes from Making Field
Observations is trying to show. This table shows an organized view of the three
phases of marriage. The Unity Model of Marriage is the most different
from the dominance and the equity model. The Unity model is the most
difficult to achieve, yet the level in which all couples should strive for.
Michelle’s table can help couples understand which phase their relationships
are in. Her table would help couples to become aware of what they need to
work on to reach the Unity level.
Next Heidi considered
tables 7a and 7b in the Lecture Notes in the Section on Making Field
Observations. The chart showed her that she can use the ennead chart to
identify the level of feeling, thinking, and acting between married partners.
Michelle made two similar charts using the concepts "being in love"
and "being jealous." To help her with the chart she used examples of
her relationship and an imaginary relationship.
Michelle then considered
Table 9 in the Lecture Notes in the Section on Making Field Observations. She
looked at a list of two dozen AUVs – anti unity
values that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, and drama.
Michelle then selected three programs and watched several episodes or shows.
After watching the shows she briefly described a few scenes from each one to
show the portrayal of gender interactions that are harmful to a successful
marriage. She then described the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor
aspects of these interactions and gave her reaction to her findings.
Michelle’s last task of
her report was to look at three reports from a prior generation. The reports
she chose were Shelley Tachino’s report 2, Britton Komine’s report 2, and Davis Hanai’s
report 3. Michelle summarized each report by beginning with a quick summary
with the student’s report, then by explaining the methods that they had used,
followed with the student’s explanation and what they had gained from doing
their reports. Finally, Michelle gave some personal input to each
students report.
What Michelle gained from doing
her report?
Michelle felt that the
material in the class is difficult to understand because most of its ideas may
be contrary to the way most people live their lives. The idea of anything above equality in a
relationship had never even come to her mind, especially this foreign idea of a
woman running the relationship the way the unity model implies. Michelle agrees
with some of the characteristics of the unity model but doesn’t believe in it
as a whole.
How do her ideas influence what I
think about these issues?
I agree with Michelle it
is hard to accept these beliefs after being brain washed with the dominance
model for so long. I definitely like the
idea of continuing the marriage bond on into the after life but I don’t like
the idea having to do what ever my wife wants me to do when she wants me to do
it.
Teaching this course to high
school students
It would be useful to
teach this course to high school students because high school is the time where
kids start dating. Many high school students do not know what relationships
are supposed to be like they think they do because they have seen couples on
television and in the movies dating. The media and society does not set a good
example for a normal healthy relationship.
If this class was taught
at the high school level the young adults could be exposed to a lot of
information about relationships and they could take what they want from it but
at least they have a better understanding of what a relationship is. The class
will also teach students on how they can connect on a spiritual level and not
just in a physical way.
The question I am answering is
Question 10
(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory
models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people
attracted to each other to become a couple?
In most sexually-reproducing species, there
would be strong incentives for choosing one’s sexual mate carefully, because
one’s offspring would inherit their traits, good or bad, along with one’s own
traits. Bad mate preferences would find themselves in poor-quality offspring,
and would eventually die. Also, poor courtship displays that attracted few
mates would also die out over generations. As a result of all of this a process
of sexual selection is born where individuals display their attractiveness,
health, status, fertility, genetic quality, and other reproductively important
traits, and individuals select their mates based on such displays.
Evolutionary psychology
explains the sex differences as the basis of parental investments. Since
females are the sex that invests more in reproduction they will seek out a mate
who will improve the chances that their offspring will survive. Men do
not invest as much as females so they are not as choosy with their mates. A
male’s biological purpose is to spread their genes. The male’s number one
problem is to find a female who is fertile and willing to engage in sexually
congress with them. Female’s, on the other hand, have the problem of
finding a male to stick around after for parental investment.
Physical appearances play
a big part in mate attraction. Women prefer men with symmetrical
features, healthy skin and other exterior features, which state that they have
good genes. Women also prefer masculine features, such as a strong jaw, facial
hair, broader shoulders, narrower hips, and a muscular build. These all
indicate that there is sufficient testosterone for reproduction. Women are
attracted men who are older and have a higher social status.
Men prefer women who are
fertile, which are relatively young women with full lips, breasts, and hips, a
small waist, which is a result form sufficient estrogen levels to successfully
birth a child. Men also look for symmetry to provide healthy genes.
Men like younger women and are less concerned about the social status of their
chosen mates.
(b) Describe the current practices in mate
selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life
observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type
activities that are popular.
Current practices of mate
selection that I am aware of consist of meeting members of the opposite sex in
class, at parties, at the clubs, or at the beach. Ever since I can remember there have been the
personals in the newspaper where you put down characteristics and qualities
that you are looking for in a member of the opposite sex. Now a days with the internet and all the new technology there
are online dating services.
Online dating services
work by providing a large database of singe males and females. You can
look at their interests, and contact them through e-mail, instant messaging, or
chatting. Popular online dating services allow you to create a personal
ad, upload your photo, and receive a limited number of e-mails for free.
A charge is required if you’d like to contact other members, and use their
features.
The search begins with
what the seeker is looking for in a partner; gender, age, location from their
hometown, then an advanced search of hobbies, languages spoken, sexual preference,
previous marriages, children, professions, education, religion, height, and
weight. You can then click search and a list will appear of all the close
matches, people who have the traits and qualities that you are searching for.
After your results pop up you are able to e-mail or instant message who you
like and then you just have to wait and see if that person returns your
message.
(c) Can you think of improvements in these
practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is
practiced at its best?
I don’t trust these on
line dating services because anybody can get on and make up information about themselves, how do you know if they are telling the
truth? If the information about the
person is accurate then I do like how you can look at their pictures and find
out a little bit about them without going through the nervous awkward
introduction stages. All the information is provided right before them and
there is no social anxiety anybody can do it.
The question I am answering is
Question 4
(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
.
It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy
Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
I have reviewed the
article, “Secrets to a Happy Marriage,” and looked at the three secrets which
Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne has proposed would bring success
to a marriage. There is instructional advice given for the husband and the wife
in each of the three secrets. The
secrets to a happy marriage seem to only apply to the dominance and equity
models of marriage none seem to apply to the unity model of marriage.
The first secret to a
happy marriage is Full Disclosure of Moneys – No Hidden Accounts. Spouses
need to be completely open with one another about all money that each obtains
so that both spouses can be equally empowered in the relationship.
This secret falls within the equity model of marriage, where both husband and
wife obtain equal power sharing. Dr Kuhne thinks that
the sharing of power is vital to keeping the love and intimacy healthy in a
marriage relationship.
The second secret to a
happy marriage that is discussed is where each spouse must become a skilled
cryptographer or develop competent communication skills. This is when
spouses work hard to develop competent communication skills to better
understand each other. In order to develop these competent communication
skills husbands and wives need to take time to ask each other what they mean
and be specific.
Here’s a good example by
Dr. Kuhne: a husband comes home from a hard stressful
day of work and wants to watch relax and unwind. His wife enters the room and
wants to connect with her husband about his day. The two spouses collide
together in misunderstanding and end up experiencing rejection from the other
all because they don’t know how to communicate properly.
The three main components
of secret number two is to clarify, explain, and communicate with your spouse.
Your husband or wife is not a mind reader you have to talk to them and tell
them what you are feeling or what you want. If husbands and wives’ don’t
communicate they will become distant and confused and their relationship will
grow apart and dissolve.
The final secret to a
happy marriage is that Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and
private. Praising your spouse when you
are out in public draws attention to the spouse’s strengths and abilities. It
is a way of showing your spouse how much you really value them. Praising your
spouse is more than just bragging, it is attaching a high value to them by
recognizing their importance to you.
Every time you share with
another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an
aspect of your marriage. Words are very powerful and they can do a lot of
damage to a relationship. When talking bad about your spouse in public or
private you are actually lowering their value to you.
This last secret is about
acknowledging the strengths and abilities of your spouse and attaching a high
value to them. Praising your spouse in
private helps you strengthen your emotional foundations in the relationship.
This type of communication with your spouse creates a healthier environment and
allows for a healthy relationship.
(b) Are these good instances of unity values or
not? Explain.
I don’t know if I would
say that the secrets to a happy marriage are good examples of unity values but
I definitely think they can’t hurt a relationship. I mean of course in the
unity model of marriage these secrets would already be taken care of because
they are required in order to get to the unity level. For couples who have not reached the unity
level yet I think that these are some good pointers to get your marriage
started in that direction.
All three of the secrets
to a happy marriage have supported the equity model and a little of the
dominance model. Each secret doesn’t allow the wife to be in control of the
relationship, but rather keeps a dominant or equity model of marriage.
The three secrets do not allow the husband and wife to conjoin in the threefold
self.
(c) Search the Web using Google to find advice that
is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the
unity model of marriage.
The website to pop up when
I typed in couple’s advice on Google was www.bbc.co.uk/relationships. I
chose an article titled “Talk and Listen” it talks about a communication
exercise that you can do with your spouse. In the exercise each partner gets 30
minutes to talk, while the other partner gives their undivided attention. After
the hour is up, it's essential that they both walk away and do something to try
and relax.
I think that this exercise
is a great idea for young couples to use in their relationships. I say “young couples” because I think that
couples that have been together for a while would have established a good
communication line and wouldn’t need the exercise. Opening up to your spouse in
this exercise allows for the possible conjoining not only at the sensorimotor level but at the cognitive level too.
The next website www.lovingyou.com/content/advice/couples
caught my eye with its name. I figured a
website named “loving you” would have all the answers I needed about
relationships. I chose an article called
“7 Secrets of a Successful Marriage” to look at and discuss. Most of the 7
secrets can be applied to the equity model of marriage none can be applied to
the unity model of marriage.
The two secrets I wanted
to talk about are Be able to compromise and Respect each other’s individuality
they both apply to the equity model.
Being able to compromise is not allowed in the unity model the wife
shouldn’t have to compromise with the husband.
Being an individual is also not allowed in the unity model because in
the unity model the husband and wife conjoin into one. The advice in this article seems to be a good
example of most of the couple advice out there, promoting the equity model.
I saved the best for last
the final website that I looked at was the relationship king Dr. Phil. I looked
around his website www.drphil.com and
found a show with Dr. Phil giving advice from his personal life. In the show
Dr. Phil shared some of his thoughts after being happily married for 28 years
about what makes a marriage work.
I selected the most
important point that I thought was in the article to discuss. The man needs to
contribute to the emotional, physical, and mental well-being besides just the
financial care. This can definitely be applied to the unity model because the
husband must not only conjoin his sensorimotor self,
but also his cognitive and affective self to his wife.
The question I am answering is
Question 6
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of the Sex
vs. Love of One of the Sex in the Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
A hot issue in today’s
society is a hot issue in the minds of the majority of people in a community or
nation. The constant thought of sex on
our mind is caused by the non-exclusive love of the sex that is built into the
affective organ of every mind but in a different way for men than for women.
The universal principle
that everything in the human mind, without exception, originates either from
heaven or hell can be applied to sexual behavior. Given that sexuality follows
the same universal principles as do all human behavior characteristics then
every sexual behavior and quality originates either from hell or heaven.
We have an innate capacity
to enjoy non-exclusive sex with others and without mental intimacy. The love of
the sex is motivated by the natural sensuous part of the mind. This is
the lowest portion of the mind that is a mental operation we share with
animals. Everything about the love of the sex is for the sake of self and
the world. It is a hellish trait that is non-exclusive. Non-exclusive sex
is to love one's own pleasure in the activity with whomever is available or
suitable, no connecting with the partner.
The opposite of the love
of the sex is the love of one of the sex. To love one of the sex basically means to love one person sexually. This
requires a spiritual sensuous level of rationalization that animals do not
have. The love of one of the sex is exclusive, and feels good with only
one special person. The pleasures of exclusive and conjugial
love are immeasurably greater and more passionate than the pleasures of
natural-sensuous non-exclusive sexuality.
According to Dr. Leon
James Lecture Notes, sex therapists in atheistic psychology advise couples to
promote fantasies of promiscuity to help their relationships out. They advise
couple’s to buy toys and watch pornographic videos to try and rekindle the
couple’s lackluster love life. Listening to the sex therapists will fuel the
natural sensuous desires of the male.
(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex to the idea
of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find some examples
on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give full reference).
The first place I looked
to for sex advice was Cosmopolitan woman’s magazine. My ex-girlfriend subscribed to them and in
every issue there is some kind of advice to make sex better. http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/
The first advice that I
came across was that slow soulful encounters should be up on women Christmas
lists right next to animalistic sack sessions. Prolong preplay
slow sex should be about savoring every touch and sensation, which magnifies
the physical and emotional experience. Try breathing in sync breathing in
unison can make you both feel totally connected. Next try shutting out sight
and sound, get rid of all distractions that way you can tune in to the pleasure you're giving each other. Last but not least
lock eyes, gazing at your partner forces you to concentrate on each other.
This seems like pretty
good advice to me, Cosmo is telling people to connect on more then just a
physical level. They are not telling
them to go down to the porn shop and get all kinds of kinky toys or rent
pornographic films, they are giving some good advice. I don’t think they are
trying to get people to conjoin but it’s a step in the right direction.
The second advice I came
across was from an article titled “Letting Go in Bed.” The key to being a great
bedmate and enjoying yourself in the sack is to tune out the world and focus
your entire body and mind on the erotic experience. You have to get into a
no-stress, thought-free zone by minimizing any mood-killing distractions to
really enjoy the experience. Make sounds during sex; it lets your guy know that
he's pleasing you, which is a major turn-on for him. Woman need to play the
role of bedroom boss and let their man know what they want.
Cosmo is a very popular
magazine and a lot of people read it so I think that they might be on to
something with all of their sex advice.
So far what I have read I am going to have to agree, it seems like these
ex tips would definitely help out a struggling relationship. A reoccurring point that keeps popping up in
the articles that I have read is the notion to try and connect on a higher
level whether it be emotionally or spiritually.
My Report on the Current
Generation
Makala Monteilh Report 1
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/monteilh/monteilh-409b-g25-report1.htm
Makala started off her report by putting a table up of 23
Anti Unity Values. She then went on to discuss AUV’s
in Relation to the Unity Model of Marriage.
Makala then went on to talk about the Unity
Model of Marriage and how it is a couples’ ultimate goal. In order to reach the
unity model of marriage a couple must conjoin at the unity level of the
affective self. Meaning the husband must give up his independent self for his
new and improved conjoint self. He also must allow his wife’s inner
wisdom to lead his outward intelligence.
She then continued on by
defining Anti unity values by explaining how they consist of beliefs,
attitudes, actions, desires that hinder a couple from attaining unity in a
marriage. She went through the list of AUV’s and
picked out one’s she either experienced in a relationship or observed in other
peoples relationships. One AUV that she
personally has committed was AUV #9 same sex friends going out as a group for
fun and entertainment without their partners. Going out with the girls is
something she has been doing for a while and she didn’t think it was such a big
deal.
Makala then evaluated Carly
Kanemaru’s, Skip Saito’s, Lauren Buchner’s, Adriel Stipek’s, and Cynthia
Adam’s Report 1 from prior generations. Each of the 5 reports had to
consist of defining what an anti unity value is and then explaining AUVs in relation to the unity model of marriage, find two
student reports from G23 that discuss AUVs and
summarize each of their reports, and select a full feature movie and briefly
describe several scenes from the movie to illustrate the portrayal of gender
interactions that are contrary to developing into a unity marriage.
They also had to select
two popular songs from an album or radio and show how the lyrics contain AUVs, search the Web for sites that present group
discussions on marriage where people post messages and make comments, and
select one or two suitable websites and discuss what people are saying about
marriage relations and ideas. Last but not least they had to Search amazon.com
for books on marriage and give an overall analysis of how these books relate to
the unity model.
Next Makala
did her own findings on AUVs in the media. She
has observed the soap opera “Passions” and the hospital drama “Grey’s
Anatomy.” Makala
believes that people like to see that’s why soap opera’s are so interesting and
popular. She went on to describe two
scenes from Passions and listed about a dozen AUVs
that she found in those two scenes.
After looking at a couple
of scenes from both shows and finding all of the anti-unity values she talked
to her friend Kuini about AUVs
in the media. Kuini
said the media has a profound affect on the perception that infidelity and
promiscuity is an acceptable way of life, Makala
totally agreed with what she said.
Makala moved on to the next task which was a dialogue
between her brother Keao and his girlfriend Jessica
which showed examples of disjunctive vs. conjunctive interactions. Keao is obviously stuck in the dominance model and doesn’t
plan on leaving anytime soon.
Last but not least Makala gave her conclusion and advice to future
generations. Makala
now has a clearer view of how the media she watches or listens to allows her to
accept disjunctive behaviors and talk. Makala also
believes that her partner should do what she say’s because he loves her. This class has given her more insight on how
a marriage should be and how a couple should interact within their
relationship. Her advice to future generation was to get started early and
don’t procrastinate!
Katie Ide
Report 1
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/ide/ide-409b-g25-report1.htm
Katie also started off her
report putting a table up of 23 Anti Unity Values. She then went on to discuss AUV’s in Relation to the Unity Model of Marriage. Katie feels that all of the anti-unity values
favor men and their urge them to be single and ready to mingle. The AUV list
consists of things men do in order to stay “independent” and not conjoin in
unity with their wife or girlfriend. Katie then took an in depth look at Carly Kanemaru’s report she reviewed and summarized it.
Katie is a cocktail
waitress at a night club so AUVs are relevant in her
every day life. A night club is a place
where people don’t ever show their true selves almost 75% of the people that
come in the club would not be considered in the unity model of marriage. She see’s people committing most of the AUVs
on a nightly basis. At home all of her television shows she watches and the
songs she listens to all of have a huge number of AUVs
in them; she just never realized it before.
Katie did her own findings
on AUVs in the media. She chose to observe
“Family Guy” and “
Katie selected two
episodes of Family Guy and picked out some of the AUVs.
The one’s she found were spending time with the boys at the bar, lying to his
wife, and staging a scavenger hunt during their anniversary so he could play
golf. Peter should not be hanging out with his friends unless Lois is there
because that says he wants to be independent and have his “own” life. If Peter
knows that Lois doesn’t like him golfing then Peter shouldn’t go golfing.
There are way too many AUVs in
Katie chose another
cartoon show called Futurama to show some examples of
Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Verbal interactions. The conversation is about a guy flaunting his
riches and lying to get with this girl and after he sleeps with her he treats
her like crap and has no respect for her.
It’s a great dialogue there was a lot of examples of both disjunctive
and conjunctive interactions.
Katie finished her report
by giving a conclusion and some advice to future generations. Katie really like
the unity model, she likes the fact the unity model is pretty much what the
woman wants. No matter what, whatever the female says, the male doesn’t have a
choice but to do it and he’ll do it if he REALLY loves her. Katie’s advice was
just like Makala’s DON’T WAIT and get started early.
Advice to
Future Generations
My advice to future
generations is just like everyone else’s don’t procrastinate, the earlier you
get started the easier it would be. It also helps to stay on top of the
readings and the outlines. It will be a lot easier to write out your paper if
you understand the material.
The ideal time frame to
finish your report would be maybe 3 or 4 days prior to the due date that way
you can go back and read it and see if you missed anything. It will also allow for corrections and the
chance to make it longer if you need to.
Honestly the reports are not that hard you just need to put a good
amount of time and effort in to them. Good Luck.
Class Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm
My Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/bulda/bulda-home.htm