Report 1
My Field Observations of Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive
Discourse and Behavior in Couples
By: Ashlee Matsui
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report1.htm
G25 Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm
Section A :AUVs in the Media
Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:
This is Table 9
1. Living together unmarried
2. Having children out of wedlock
3. Making each other jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner
7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
This table is from:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#Table%209
AUVs in relation to the unity model of marriage:
Anti-unity value are ways in which a relationship between the man and women and how they view each other and the relationship, where men are considered dominant or “better” than a woman. In this relationship the women is subjugated by her male counter part. Though these values are portrayed so commonly in the media, and are seen as a norm, couples need to work to reach their goals of unity, share common activities and putting their partner first or the priority. The in order to reach the Unity Model of Marriage, the couple needs to shed the Anti-Unity Values and the male needs to shed those stereotypes placed on him by society.
The relation:
The Unity Model of marriage is considered the high form of marriage in which both partners are of equal status. Emanuel Swedenborg believes that this is where every couple should strive to be and when a couple reaches this stage, conjugial love has been reached and will remain together for eternity. Reaching the Unity Model of marriage is for example like winning the lottery of being married. The Anti-Unity values in relation to the Unity Model of marriage are ideas that hold a couple down from reaching the Unity Model.
AUV’s into notion:
An example that’s a problem in marriages today is having a same sex or heterosexual best friend who is placed before the partner (#7 AUV). In the Unity Model of Marriage, your partner is always ahead of everyone else, not having a friend that comes first. The husband also needs to learn to be the husband’s best friend. This means that when she wants to go shopping, he’s there, and being there because he wants to be there. This is a learning process that can take sometime.
From my own personal
experiences, from past relationships, I have come to expect that some of the AUV’s listed above will be present in my
relationships. This may be on some part
from the way that I was raised. Number
21 and 23 were very common in my household while I was growing up. Also in my past relationships, at last half
of the AVV’s were present. In my current relationship, I have come to a
better understanding of how a relationship should be and how to expect to be
treated. I feel that it is extremely important
to keep these values out of my current relationship.
With my friends I have noticed that AUV’s number 1, 2, 4, 14, 15, 18 and 21 were all too common in their past and present relationships. I think that this may be due to what we are exposed to in the media. After all the media does play a huge role in our daily lives, we come to expect what we see in the movies and television to be what will actually happen in our daily lives. I think that this is a horrible idea but it is a very and all too real truth. Advances have been made with parental controls on TV and movie ratings, but this is not enough. Children see how their parents interact and will end up being that way in their relationships too.
The AUV’s
totally clash with everything that the Unity Model stands for, as an example
number 21: Making
it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept
and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being
dominant, etc.) In the Unity Model of
marriage, the women is the most important person and if the man or husband truly
loves her then he will drop his male prerogatives or perks and align himself to
his woman. This AUV is
seeming to be a major issue in relationships today, the man wants to do
what he wants when he wants it.
Another AUV that is
prevalent in society today is number 15: boys or girls only entertainment. The man and women need to be each others best
friend and do activities together instead of doing them with others. Once the relationship that they are in
reaches that level of Unity and spirituality then they will see and get past
all theses AUV’s that are bad for a
relationship. Number 4: Adultery for
various reasons is promoted all too widely in the media and especially movies. While thinking about this I thought of so
many movies that show spouses cheating on each other for so many different
reasons.
An important table:
|
PRINCIPLES BY WHICH HUSBAND
GOVERNS HIS BEHAVIOR |
CHARACTER OF THE PARTNERSHIP |
HOW THEY BEHAVE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER AND CONSEQUENCES ON WIFE |
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|
follows the |
spiritual |
reciprocity with differentiation |
husband chooses to always act from his wife’s
feelings and preferences, |
|
follows the |
natural progressive |
agreeing with |
the two make up consensual arrangements, |
|
follows the |
natural traditional |
consociation by male dominated norms, |
wife is submissive and obedient to husband and his
family , |
In order for one to fully understand the Unity Model, they would need to understand what leads up to that phase. The chart above is an explanation of the three levels of self and can be found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#conjunction
The Domination
The first level in the chart is the Dominance Model (sensorimotor conjunction). This is where “natural tradition marriages” take place and the women are dominated by the husband. While they may enjoy making their partner happy, the husband is focused on himself and keeping himself happy. Men need to give up their sensorimotor independence in order to move up to the next level.
The next level on the way to bliss (The Equity Model)
Next in line is the Equity Model (cognitive conjunction). At this stage, the couple has shed itself of the domination over the wife and she is trying to conjoin herself to him. She tries to learn his likes and dislikes while she has taken the lead. The husband is focused on himself, but happy when he sees his wife trying to please him.
Happy Happy!!! We made it.
The final level is the Unity Model of Marriage; this is the level where every couple should make every effort to be at. At this level the husband has shed himself of male stereotypes and has integrated his feelings to his wife. Spiritual marriages take place here and the couple can be together for all eternity.
Section B: Findings of a Prior Generation
Student reports from G24, Report 1 that discuss AUVs.
Student #1: Carly Kanemaru
Web address is: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/kanemaru/kanemaru-409b-g24-report1.htm
This student was trying to show the Anti-Unity Values that are seen in the media; she specifically lists the characteristics and explains them in some detail. With the movie she chose, Carly was trying to show that initially people may feel bad for the male character, but after thinking and analyzing one may rethink their initial opinion. Another important idea she was trying to show is that “anti-unity values seem to be almost ingrained into us and are so much present everywhere in society that we don’t even realize they are there and when addressed, many of us do not even think they are detrimental to relationships.”
The method that she used was more of a personal aspect; her pictures made her report generally easier to read and let the reader see parts of the movie that she talks about. Included also is picture of the artist that sings that song that she choose, I thought that was a good addition. Her method included pictures (her friends, song artists, and the movie), and stating the reviews that were listed for the various books she chose.
Her findings were mainly that Anti-Unity Values were all over the media and that it is easily missed. The movie that she chose, “Unfaithful,” was a perfect example of how society makes things seem that the viewer should feel bad for the husband, but after taking the class and learning about the values, she came to be able to identify these values in the media.
My reaction to her findings is that while I was watching the movie I felt the same way that she did, that the woman was at fault and that the man was the innocent one. The movie made the man seem “ideal” and that a woman should be grateful to have a man like that. Then she explains that the viewer need to realize that the values were evident in the marriage prior to her cheating on him. She gives the examples of what the marriage lacked, which were specifically from table 9 above. After thinking about the movie and looking for the AUVs I realized too all the examples that were portrayed. Society is so accepting of what is on the television and the radio that most times we overlook what the real meaning are because it might be interesting or fun to watch.
This is relevant on my own daily life experiences because now when I watch the television, listen to the radio and talk to people I listen to what they are saying in a different way. In a way that looks for the AUV’s that may exist in a conversation. It is surprising to listen and to see how many AUV’s are present in regular daily shows, from cartoons to dramas.
The effects that this could have on young boys and girls are huge. We are all influenced by the media and it gives males an excuse to treat women in they way that they see fit. But due to parental controls on the television, it gives parents a little more help to monitor what their children are watching.
Student #2: Skip Saito
Web page address: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/saito/saito-409b-g24-report1.htm
This student was trying to show that if one follows the unity model, their marriage will last for all eternity. He also talks about the two other levels prior to the unity model, which is the equity and dominate levels, and explains them well. His thoughts on the media influence are similar to the other students of this generation. The media portrays most couples in the dominance model because this is what people want and pay to see. His main concept is that the shows that we see on TV have problems and conflicts, but those problems are solved within an hour. The movie that he chose was Mr. and Mrs. Smith staring Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The movie follows the AUV’s in that during most of the movie they are lying and living secret lives.
The method that he used was to give
the reader a “heads up” on what the paragraph was about using catchy
titles. For example to talk about prior generations he uses phrases such
as “Men are Dogs” and “Wives know best.”
His findings were that what people see on TV
influences the relationships that we have in our lives. One cannot base
their lives on what they see on TV that lasts for only an hour.
Relationships cannot reach the unity model in such a fast time period. He
also believes that the media plays a huge role in the lives of both children
and women.
My reaction to his findings, are that he did a good job analyzing the topics and the movie. I agree with him in that the media influences peoples relationships they have in their lives. What people see on TV only lasts for half an hour to an hour. No one can expect to go from the dominance model to the unity model in on hour. People want to see violence in the media from songs to magazines.
I also believe that the media not only affects children and women, but men too. They might base their own relationships on what they see on TV too. It is also possible that have role models that they follow.
I have thought of this issue in some concern in the past. This issue is one that has been of concern for a long time and has been addressed by the public. Previously, I have not put much thought into media affecting males, but after thinking about it, I think it’s absolutely true. For instance, lifting weights, there are so many magazines out there that have tips and how to get muscles. Men read that want to be like them too, but it may not seem as clear cut envy like situation as it is with women and children.
This is relevant in my
daily life because I am more aware when I am watching the media, whether it
be TV, music, movies, or magazines. I am watching for relationships that
are in the unity model, but I have come to realize that there are so few.
Most marriages are stationed in the dominance model, and some in the equity
model.
The media’s influence on children is so strong, but slowly our society is taking steps to monitor what they are watching. But it is important to remember that not only do the media influence children, but also men and women.
Student #3: Lauren Teani Buchner
Web address: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/buchner/buchner-409b-g24-report1.htm
This student was trying to show that
there are many consequences on couples in today’s world from the media.
She also shows that not only does the TV and music play a role, but also the
music world. The use of MP3 players and IPODS are on the rise, and
describes this in the context that people are exposed to these twenty-four
hours a day. She was trying to show that a negative cycle continues today
with men, women, and children accepting what they see in the media.
The
method that Lauren was during section B(prior
generations) to state the AUV’s
that the person found and wrote them in bold letters, making it easier to
read. This is also informs the reader of what she considered
important. The method she used for Section C was to first go through the
movie, then to bring up important topics in different paragraphs following the
summary of the movie. Lauren goes through the section D1. The peer
interviews, as quoting them also.
The findings that she came across what that she
has found a way to pull out the right things from the wrong in a
relationship. Though the Unity Model was something that she was not
accustomed to, it seemed to give her insight and now she is more aware of the
negative effects the media can have on today’s society. The technology
out there is amazing and changing everyday, people are exposed to the media all
the time. She found that many women go to internet message boards to post
things about their frustrations and their worries.
My reaction to her findings was that I never
thought of technology in this way. With such advances both good and bad,
people are exposed to the media now more than ever. It seems like everyone
is listening to their IPODS all the time.
I found it very interesting how she describes the negative cycle. I
thought this was a very good way to put things. The AUV’s just seem to keep going around in a circle,
but I think its getting worse as the generations go on.
I have never thought of this in the way that
she described the media. I have thought about the media and their
interactions on the society. In terms of technology, I did not think
about it until now. But I absolutely agree with her; as technology
advances, the violence that society is exposed to increases. At the same
time, higher levels of parental control on media have been increased.
Parents can monitor what their children are exposed to on the TV, but they
cannot control what their children are exposed to on the internet.
This is relevant to my everyday life because I
am very concerned with what children see on TV and in the media. When I
have children, I don’t want them to be exposed to certain images in the
media. I have a younger brother, and he watches so much violence on TV;
and he also plays video games that are filled with violence. I feel that
it makes him mimic what he sees and plays.
Young children, both boys and girls find role
models on TV and in the media. This is not always a good model.
Girls see that they need to be a certain way to be popular or to have a
boyfriend. So little media exposure promotes just being yourself, instead
you need to be skinny, look a certain way and act in an appropriate
manner. For young boys they are too affected, but in a little different
way. They see what is on the TV and want to be like what they see, for
example playing with toy guns.
Student #4 : Adriel Stipek
Web address: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/stipek/stipek-409b-g24-report1.htm
This student was trying to show that
AUV’s are apparent in a lot
of movies and can include all characters. That dysfunction is very
interesting to people and that is why movies like that have higher
ratings. The effects of these gender interactions that couples watch in
the media may have lasting effects, for example she uses AUV # 4(adultery
for various reasons) and states that someone might cheat on their loved one
because they think that they will be forgiven because they saw someone do the
same on a movie. This may be giving couples unrealistic views.
The
method that this student was using with the section C Full Feature Movie, was to first state the movie
with a short paragraph, then went through different scenes, and then gives her
opinions in the end. Adreil
then goes through her friends reactions for the various scenes. The
method for section E, Popular Songs, Adriel
gives the reader the entire song, but places important parts that affect the
AUV and Unity model in bold letters.
The
findings that she came across were that gender interactions in the media
could possibly have a stronger effect on young women than they would on a
couple. Both men and women might see certain AUV’s portrayed in the media and think that real
life relationships might be like that on the TV or movie. She found that
from the movie that she chooses (
My
reaction to her findings was that I agreed with her that dysfunction in the
marriage and home sells. It is what people want to see, I am not sure
why. For my own personal self, I find these dysfunctional scenes more
interesting than a loving relationship. I am not a big fan of love movies
in general, but to me it seems a little boring. On the other hand no one
wants that kind of dysfunction in their own homes. People should not base
their relationships on what they see on TV and in movies. Just because it
happens there does not mean that is how your life will go.
I have not thought of the impact of the AUV’s in the media in relation to
the relationships people hold in their lives. But now that I think about
it, I might be guilty of some of the AUV’s.
For example, I am currently living with my boyfriend, (AUV #
) and I thought our cohabiting would be like what I saw on TV, but
I was way wrong. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but one should
not expect to have a perfect TV relationship, after all their problems are
solved in one hour.
This is relevant to my daily life because I am
guilty of trying to make my relationships like that on the TV. I need to
realize that it’s not real life. When I see certain romantic gestures
done by a boyfriend or husband on TV, I feel deprived. I think to myself,
I wish that was my boyfriend, but I need to realize all the things that my
boyfriend does for me and appreciate it. If I expect him to be like those
men, then we are only going to fight, because I am not going to be happy.
But after taking this class and reading the material I realized that I need to
appreciate him and be a happy girl that does not nit pick at his faults.
Young boys and girls are affected like I am by
the media. The influence it holds on people is tremendous. For
example, a young boy might see a husband beating up his wife all the time and
might grow to do the same because they think it is ok. Or a wife might
flirt with other men to make her husband jealous because she saw it on
TV. We need to stop basing our role models, life decisions and
expectations on what we see in the media. Real life is not like that, problems
will take its effect.
Student #5: Cynthia Adams
Web address: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/adams/adams-409b-g24-report1.htm
This student was trying to show that the media portrays impractical view of what life and marriage is really like. Couples see other couples on TV and they expect their lives to be like that. The student was also saying that there is much violence on TV today. Men and women having different perspectives on the AUV’s in the media; but also that no one wants to see a perfect marriage with harmony, they want to see dissatisfaction in the marriage (makes things interesting) getting the ratings.
The method that this student was using is to explain all examples well, and has a good understanding of the concepts. This student pulls out the parts of songs that reflect the AUV’s rather than entering the entire song. I found this interesting because all the other students entered the entire song. The method that she used to discuss previous generations reports is that she quoted sentences from their web pages. During the section G: Self Help Books at amazon.com, she states the review of the books that she chose.
This student’s findings are that men and women having different perspectives on the AUV’s in the media and they think that people will “change for the better.” It seems that no one wants to see a perfect marriage with harmony, they want to see dissatisfaction in the marriage (makes things interesting) getting the ratings. Another finding was that the chosen movie (It Could Happen to You), she realized that there were many scenes with the AUV’s in them. Cynthia found that “there are many scenes, in this movie, which depict the anti unity value of separate interests and activates accepted for partners.”
My reactions to these findings are thought people need to realize that what is in the media is made up, it’s hard not to mimic or want what one sees that they find appealing. I think that this true because studies have found that violence sells and its what people like to watch in the media, also songs that promote sex and violence are very popular, no one seems to care about the lyrics that are in the song either, its accepted as a norm and just looked over without much thought.
I have thought of this some what in the past because I feel it plays such a big impact on our society. It seems that the main seller in the media is violence and sex. People like to see blood and sex, no one wants to see a couple in the Unity Model. The dominance model sells, and film companies will produce what money sells. I find this sad in that people are so fixated on those topics, and not as interested seeing people in love that care for each other. Some movies are based on the Unity Model, but not as much.
This is relevant to me because when I see certain things on tv, like really romantic gestures, I have an expectation that my life should be like that too and when its not then I get mad at my boyfriend. This is absolutely wrong of me and selfish of me too. I need to realize that those people are just acting and are not like that in real life.
I feel that this does not only happen in my home, but in many homes. When women see romantic gestures ( for example soap operas) women see this and then wonder why can’t my life be like that? This may lead the women to become unhappy and therefore making her husband unhappy too.
Young people are looking into the media for their role models, what they see is what they are influenced by and take after their models. Watching the TV and seeing what their role models do may justify wrong things a child may do. But they are seeing it on TV and thinking that is ok, since they did it on TV.
For example, a child might have a role model on TV that hits his wife, watching your role model do those things may justify it to a child that is ok to do. Parents need to monitor what their children watch.
Another example is with video games, there are so many scenes with violence, attacks on women, blood and guts, and harsh language, those children playing these games may be influenced by what they see in the game.
Related Links
http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb03/unraveling.html
This website discusses how the issue of what children watch on TV may affect their development. Since this issue has become a bigger problem in our society, more money and research has been dedicated to this topic. They found out that children watch on average “of almost five-and-a-half hours a day at home watching television, playing video games, surfing the Web or using some other form of media.”
http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun04/protecting.html
I have never thought of advertising in this way, but not that I think about it, so many ads are directed to children. Not only does it makes the child desire the product, but may also affect their behavior. Schools themselves have become grounds for advertising for children.
http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/issues/violence/effects_media_violence.cfm
This site focuses on the violence that young children watch and how it may affect them. While some research supports his claim, there is research that contradicts that conclusion. One of the conclusions drawn is that watching aggressive shows makes a child more aggressive.
Section C: My Own Findings on AUVs in the Media
Flavor of Love
The first show that I decided to pick was Flavor of Love on VH1. This
show is about a man, Flavor Flave
and him trying to find love. A bunch of women come to his house and live
with him for a certain period of time. Slowly he gets to know each one
and eliminates the ones that he is not interested in. Over the season it
comes down to only one woman. During one of his recent episodes, he is on
a boat with a woman called
In another episode his friends come over and the women are to entertain the men.
Nip Tuck
This show, Nip Tuck is on channel FX on Tuesday nights. This show is
about two successful plastic surgeons in
Shawn finds out that his partner Christian and his wife Julia slept together his son, who he thought was his, is in fact not his. They get a divorce. Soon Shawn and Julia get back together and start living together without being married.
The other doctor, Christian Troy treats women horribly and sleeps with many women. In a recent episode he visits his ex-fiancé because he acts like he wants to get back together with her. Then he sleeps with her and tells her that he just did it because he felt like sleeping with someone that idolized him. Prior to breaking up they were also living together in his apartment. He is also sleeping with another man’s wife, by blackmailing her to sleep with him. He threatens her with her past so she sleeps with him.
Desperate Housewives
This show Deperate
Housewives is about five women and their lives on
The gender interactions in this TV show is that women are only heartbreakers and cause trouble.. The first couple, Bre and Orson who just recently got married has many problems, from children to her ex-husband being killed by her lover. Then there is Gabriella and Carlos who are currently getting a divorce because she slept with their gardener and he slept with their maid. Susan is in love with a man in coma and just went on a vacation with another man she met in the hospital. Edie is a woman out to cause trouble. And Tom and Lynette have just found out that he has a love child from another woman.
King of the Hill
This show is about a man and his family living in
During all of the episodes Hank and three of his friends hang out in the ally outside their homes drinking beer while the women are doing their own activities together. Hank is also a character that talks down to women and thinks they are not as smart as men, while he does not come out and say it; he does it a sly manner.
In a recent episode Hank wants to enter a grilling contest and the contest does not allow propane, only charcoal. Hank and Luann decide to protest this and while brainstorming, Hank rejects all of Luann’s ideas.
|
Illustrations of Disjunctive Talk and Behavior |
Illustrations of Conjunctive Talk and Behavior |
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Nip Tuck |
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Chrisitan sleeps with many different women and |
Shawn and Julia realize that they still love each other and |
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tells them to get out when he is done with them |
want to be together so they get married again |
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Shawn and Julia live together and have a child while |
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not being married |
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Shawn sleeps with the child's nanny |
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Chrisitan blackmales his boss's wife into sleeping with |
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Him |
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Flavor of Love |
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Flave tells |
Seems like he cares about them and have the same |
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and cannot be making decisions |
interests with them |
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He sleeps with the women while they are living at his home |
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Making it seem that a women's persective and decisions is |
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not as important as his |
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Desperate Housewives |
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Cheating on spouses, both Gabriela and Carlos cheat on |
Carlos trying to show Gabriella he loves her |
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each other |
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women are not made to look less important then men |
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Having children out of wedlock, Tom has just found out that |
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he has a love child from another women |
they are treated equally and hold as much rank in home |