Report 2:
The Unity Model of Marriage:
Understanding the Model
By:
Ashlee Matsui
The
instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm
I
am answering Questions 3, 4, 6,9 and 10.
The question that
I am answering is question 3.
(a)
Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20,
21, and 22 as listed in the
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students
(b)
Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's
report.
(c)
Summarize what they say they gained from doing their reports.
(d)
How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
(e)
Would it be useful to teach this course to high school students? Explain.
Generation 20
(a) Student
:
Gender
Unity: Annotated Bibliography by Brigitlynn Duclos
(b) Link to
students report: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/duclos/report1.htm
Summary:
This student has written on the
topic of gender and discourse, and starts off with discussing a previous
generations report. She relates the topic
that the person has chosen to media and violence. The second student focused on the Emotional
Spin Cycle and the positive and negative sides of it. This student was surprised to learn that most
people spend their days on the negative sides.
The last report that this student did was one that she related to the
most, she had the same feeling as the student who wrote the report.
Her category number 1 goes through
five different articles. The first was
about women being more compassionate than men, while men see themselves as more
angry than women and with people in a relationship and their thinking that they
are better than other people. She
explains that this can be harmful in a relationship. Then she talked about not feeling in
control. The category number 2 talks
about first, each gender having their places in the relationship, for example
the women raising the child and the man doing the yard work; also that the man
is more understanding and the women has more will. The union of the man and women is important.
The article number three is about
sex and the differences, the man is supposed to be the ideal form of
understanding, and she relates this to the three fold self, in particular the
affective self. The woman is the “love
of one of the sex” and she likes this because it separates the man from the
woman in that men are more masculine and women are more affectionate. The last idea she picked up was about the
separation of the man and women in that men are goal oriented and women are on
the other hand more people oriented. She
thought that both men and women need to feel wanted. Article number four, relates to first on the
husband regeneration to his wife; the wife guides her man and therefore in
return the man needs to give her wisdom and perception.
Brigitlynn believes that if the husband loves
his wife then he will give into her because she is always right. The women’s will and the
mans understanding is what can create the relationship; and this is a
form of reciprocity. In a marriage that
is at the heavenly state there is no predominance and she ends with stating if
the couple reaches this stage they have a perfect marriage. Article number five is about what the man
thinks about conjugial love, this may be a little
hard for the man to accept in the beginning of the relationship. On the other hand women are born with the
intent to get married, the last topic that she talks about is conjugial commandments which is the future of humanity
depending on a mans willingness to conjoin to his
woman.
Category
number two is about gender and driving, her first article talks about gender
differences and that man naturally has more testosterone than women and its known to cause aggression. The concept of frustration is said to be a
major contributor to aggravation and she realized that men are more goal
oriented making them a more aggressive gender.
She also found that male aggression dominated the women’s side. In the second article, the topic of
stereotypes caught Brigitlynn’s attention was that
male drivers are less likely than female drivers to stop and ask for
directions. She relates this back to the
concept that males are more goal oriented.
She then
goes on to talk about women being more timid than men, but changes that women
face in the society have made them more aggressive drivers. Category number three deals with a topic that
was very new to her; the idea of talk holds five different elements. Why do we talk? This topic was discussed in class and came to
the conclusion that we do it to communicate, and interact with each other. The second article was about the invisible
mental and affective states determine the outcomes.
(c) What she
learned
From doing this paper, she learned
a lot about the cognitive and biological differences in men and women. After she read the lecture notes and other
student reports her views expanded and she learned how she can incorporate this
information into her daily life. Her overall
outcome was that if people were to use this model in their daily lives then
they will be happier and have stronger relationships. She also found out that in the case of gender
and driving that women are getting more and more frustrated and this comes from
their daily lives. Males are also less
likely to stop and ask for directions because they are by nature more goal
oriented.
She also believes that even if society were to incorporate
the unity values in their daily lives that nothing will really changed, if
anything that women will have a slightly upper hand in the relationship. She also explains that having the thinking
that you are better than someone can be harmful for the relationship. Another concept that she learned was that men
and women alike both have the need to feel wanted and needed.
(d) Influence
on me
I found her ideas very interesting
and gave me a new way of looking at the concept that she discussed. But one thing I do not quite understand is
that if men are so goal oriented, why they wouldn’t stop for directions, I can
see how this can hurt their pride more than their need to finish the task. If they are so interested in getting the job
done, then why shouldn’t they try and get there faster? I absolutely agree with the idea that men and
women both have the desire to be wanted, this is a part of our daily lives,
everyone wants to feel that they are needed and cared for.
This made
me think about Dr. Laura’s idea that men only needs and wants the love of a
good woman. While I agree with this in
some ways, reading the students report made me think of this. It is important for a woman to be loving and
caring for her man but she also needs the same thing also with support. This is also influencing me in that women are
aggressive drivers due frustration, I support this 100% because it is human
nature that once they are bothered by a certain scenario that one might take it
out in later situations. It is a form of
stress relief.
(e) Teaching
this
At the high school levels student’s minds are set at a
different level that people that are already in college. Their natural way of thinking is so different
and their priorities are not focusing in on a happy marriage, strong bonds, and
frustration from the work place of some of the other topics that were discussed
in this report. While I feel that it may
not be all the relevant to them, it might be a good idea to introduce the
concepts and topics to them. This
information is helpful to relationships and my one day influence
their own personal relationships.
Generation
21
(a) Student number
2: By Cheryl Sabey
(b) Link to students
report : http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm
Summary
She starts out with answering their question number two
which is about the readings; the first book that she talks about is the Proper
Care and Feeding of Husbands. She states
that the women would either agree or disagree with her views and it almost like
she is a husband in the way that she thinks.
The main point of her book is that women need to subject themselves to
their husbands in all aspect of their lives.
The second book is Gender Discourse, this book is about how men and
women have different conversational styles, and she also states that the book
seems to highlight the three different models.
The last book called the Doctrine of the Wife is about
women having the natural ability to reach conjugal love while men need to
strive to reach this goal. When the
couple reaches this stage they spend all of their time together and are
connected at the spiritual level. The
book focuses on the Unity Model of Marriage and that the man needs to surrender
himself and live through the eyes of his wife. She then gives a chart with the three books
and examples of characteristics in relationships and which fits into which
book.
Her next question
was to summarize reports from previous generations and she chose Suzanne Howard
from generation 20. She found out that
Suzanne applied real life methods and she thought that it brought out more
truth. She finds that Suzanne feels the
unity model may be so exclusive that society might not be so accepting to these
ideas. Another thing she finds is that
from Tannen, men and women have different ways of
communication in the classroom.
The next student she chose was Ryan Lau,
he also summarized reports from a previous generation and learned that there
are instances that happen outside a comfortable zone that will give you life
experience. This student finds that he
has the opposite views from the previous student. She felt that his ideas were similar to
Suzanne’s and that the method that he used was his own personal experiences. She believed that he was more on the
traditional side in his ideas.
The next student was Shortcake and her report with her
husband and how she applies what she learned from the class to her
marriage. She collected data from her
daily life and behaviors. She thought
that her ideas were smart and that it helped her in her own life. The next student was Brigitlynn
Duclos and she did her report on how gender interacts
in different domains of the threefold self.
She thought that Brigitlynn had a good method
since she was unbiased. The next report
was on Makana Liwai and her
report was on the unity model in relation to her own life, and she found out
that her ideas were similar to Makana’s and that her
method of analyzing helped her in the learning process.
Next is Jennifer Combs who learned a lot about her
relationship from doing an experiment.
She found that Jennifer’s ideas had many truths to her and stated her
side of the argument well. The method
that Jennifer used to analyze worked well because she had applied it to her own
relationship. The question that followed
was about table 6 in the lecture notes about Making Field Observations; this
table compared and contrasted the three models of marriage and she then goes on
to explain the differences. The
Dominance Model the husband is controlling like in American society, the Equity
Model is when the couple needs to compromise and the Unity Model is when the
husband relinquishes his prerogatives.
She then creates a her table 6
which has the behavioral indicators and the different models on each side.
Question no. 7 is about The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, she starts off
with 10 different quotes then gives an analysis to each one. Question no. 9 is about table 7 in the
lecture notes, included is the actual table and then followed by explanations.
WHAT SHE LEARNED
Cheryl learned that she agreed with all three books and is
influenced by the authors, and that when a couple reaches the unity model they
will live in happiness. She also learned
that the dominance and unity model are opposing each other and have totally different
perspectives. She has also taken a lot
from the class and will apply them into her own relationship; it helped her to
see how society and the media interferes.
INFLUENCES ON ME
I thought that she has some good points, but she did not
change my way of thinking. I agree with
her in almost every perspective from Dr. Laura to learning to adapt this class
into my life. I thought that her points
on Dr. Laura was very relevant and I agreed with her that most of what she says
is male centered and there is not much if any focus on the wife.
TEACHING TO A YOUNGER GENERATION
I feel that teaching the concepts from this report will
help the younger generations to have better relationships in their lives. Right now they are basing what a relationship
should be on what they see at home and in the media, and there are not very
many ideal relationships in the media today.
And if there parents are in the dominance model then they will grow up
to have a marriage like them if not taught other wise.
Generation 22
Student: Jenny Kwan
Link: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm
SUMMARY
Jenny starts out with answering question no. 3 with is about
a husband and wife fighting, she starts off with analyzing the couple that they
are in the equity model but they might seem to be in the unity model. She then explains the threefold self and that
the couple is in the sensorimotor self, cognitive
self and the affective self are all in the equity model. Then Jenny talks about couples not having
this problem again and that they can achieve this by reaching the unity model
and when they have reached this stage, the sensorimotor,
cognitive and affective will also be in unity.
Question no. 6 is about table 6, where she includes a chart
of behavioral indicators and the different models on each side. Then she
explains the chart with two examples, followed by explanations for the three
models which are dominance, equity and unity.
Next is her own chart of new items that she made up. Her percentage overlap shows that the
dominance model and unity model are very different, and to help couples be more
aware of their actions there should be a list of each one they each person is
aware of. She believes that it is
important for couples to be aware of their interactions with each other.
Question no. 7 is about The Proper Care and Feeing of
Husbands, and to analyze the book with giving perspectives. Dr. Laura writes about her very traditional
views on marriage, that the husband is the breadwinner and the wife should
cater to him. Following is 10 quotes
from the book along with her not agreeing with what Dr. Laura says. Throughout the entire book she could not find
one thing that she agreed with Dr. Laura on.
Her next question is no. 12 which is about table 9. She then selected TV
shows that she could take gender interactions from and found that it was very
hard to find people in the unity model.
Question no. 14 was about the unity model in relation to
eternal significance of marriage; the unity model is the highest level that
people can reach and can happen only when the husband allows his wife’s inner
wisdom to head him. He needs to be
willing to achieve this and the affective conjunction is the inmost phase that
the wife would want. Then she describes
her own experiences and the reactions of friends. The last part of her paper was a report on
the current generation.
WHAT
SHE LEARNED
She
learned that the unity model is a perfect lifestyle and incorporation of these
ideas into her own relationship. It is
important for couples to understand and know of their interactions with their
other. Jenny also learned that Dr.
Laura’s approach is not one that takes into account the wife’s perspective and
only blames women.
INFLUENCE
After
reading this report it make me think about my relationship a little more and
what stage we are in, I feel that we are in the equity model because we still
argue and fight. I hope that one day my
relationship can reach bliss in the unity model of marriage. I am also more aware of my interactions with
my boyfriend and try to be a nice person.
But I understand that he needs to align himself with me and drop his
male thinking to be at that level.
TEACHING
TO A YOUNGER GENERATION
It
would be a good idea to dip these thoughts and ideas into the minds of high
school students. Though it might be a
little hard for them to understand and accept, as it was for me at first. But since all they see is dominance and
equity at best, relationships in the media, this will give new exposure into a
well balanced relationship. This will
hopefully set them in the right track to achieve the unity model of marriage
one day.
The Question that I am
answering is Question 4:
(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture Notes
at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values
.
It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy
Marriage." Read and discuss the article.
(b) Are these good instances of unity values
or not? Explain.
(c) Search the Web using Google to find
advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you
know of the unity model of marriage.
This article “Secrets to a Happy Marriage” is by by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne, who
is a Pastoral Marriage and Family Therapist.
His first secret number one is about not hiding money, in other words
not having separate accounts without your partner not knowing about this. He states that money may seem as to be the
root of all evil, but instead it is the love of money that is at the root of
all evil. I absolutely believe this is
true; money turns people into a different person. Hiding money from your spouse is a form of
lying to them, something like cheating on them.
How can a wife or a husband trust their spouse if they are hiding
important information from them and they are supposed to be a union and they
cannot be a union if they are hiding secrets.
I truly believe
that in order for a marriage to be successful, money cannot be hidden in the
relationship. I think its ok for them to
have separate accounts, but definitely not hidden ones and not from each
other. This is the person that you said
you are going to spend the rest of your life with, and keeping money from them
is not forming a union and will not lead to spirituality. This is definitely an AUV. But on the other hand, not keeping secret
accounts is a good instance of unity values.
The trouble that
money causes in the household and the undo pressure that is placed on the
marriage is huge. Too often is this a
problem in relationships and for what?
When people are centered in the dominance model of marriage this sort of
behavior is acceptable, but once they are in the unity model of marriage, both
the man and woman need to put each other first and stop hiding information like
secret accounts from each other.
Spousal
relationship needs to be empowered not the money in the relationship explains
Dr. Kuhne, and both partners need to be equally
empowered. All forms of money needs to be known in the relationship from 401K to rainy day
money. I feel that if the couple really
love each other and are at the spiritual level, then what money is, love should
be at the center of the relationship.
But this does not seem to be the case in most relationships today, money seems to hold so much, actually too much
power. It also seems like men are the
one with the power since its known that they make more to the dollar than a
woman does.
Bringing out this
information and disclosing the various accounts one has from the other gives
both in the relationship equal empowerment and will in turn create a stronger
relationship and bond. This leads to a
happier and lasting family bond that makes everyone stable, including the
children. He gives advice to the husband
and the wife that tells them to come clean and empower both in the
relationship. I feel this is a unity
value since it focuses on empowering both in the relationship.
SECRET NUMBER TWO
Each spouse in the
relationship needs to develop good communication skills; he uses an example
from the military which states that “ Those who served in the military know
what a cryptographer does: a person trained in breaking codes, the secret
communication patterns intended to hide what is really being said.” Though it may seem like husbands and wives
speak different languages this is in fact not the case at all, while it may be
hard to understand what the other is trying to get across one needs to some how
the husband needs to “magically” interpret the codes in the wife’s talk. Either that or he needs to develop good
communication skills. When a spouse has
worked hard on this they develop good communication skills.
This is a good
example of a unity value; the man is dropping his male prerogatives and
aligning himself to his woman. He learns
how to understand her and tries to do it too.
I feel that it is not that husbands and wives speak in different
languages, but instead mean different actions from their words. It is very important for the man to learn
what is in the meaning of what his wife is saying. This will lead to a happier marriage and
everyone in the relationship will be at the unity model of marriage.
There was a prime
example listed in this section: husband comes home from a hard stressful day of
work and wants to watch TV and unwind. Wife enters the room and wants to
connect with her husband about his day. What ends up happening is a
confrontation that never should have happened. The two spouses collide together
in misunderstanding and end up experiencing rejection from the other. All because each doesn’t know the other’s language.
A wife needs to
know that she can connect with her man on all levels, if she comes to him
wanting to talk about her day he needs to listen and care about what she is
saying. His not listening to her leaves
her feeling unloved and rejected or another factor that could happen is unsexy
talk. This may also affect the
relationship because the woman is not feeling at her best. While the husband is tired, he needs to tough
it out and has a wonderful meaningful conversation with his wife. Also if the couple knew each other then this
would not have had to happen, he should have come home knowing that she would
need him to be there for her and listen while she vents.
In order for
couples to have good communication skills, they need to CLARIFY everything they
mean and take the time to do it. If the
husband comes home and wants to watch TV and relax then he needs to explain to
his wife that he is not avoiding her that this time is of importance to
him. In order for this to be more in the
unity value side, the husband needs to come home and first listen and
communicate with his wife, then go and watch TV to relax himself. His wife is the priority and he needs to show
her that.
Wives speak with emotion and
the hope that their husband will be interested in their daily activities. The wife needs to come in and train her man,
mold him into the person that she desires him to be. This may take time, but she can explain what
she means when she says certain things.
He uses the example that when a wife desires romance he may miss it, but
if he has totally aligned himself with her this is not something easily missed.
If the
marriage lacks communication then both the husband and the wife loose and soon
the relationship grows apart. The ideal
good communication keeps the relationship strong and full of life, and when
there are problems in the marriage, it can be solved easily and also fend off
any unwanted problems that may occur in the marriage. I my own personal experiences, I have come to
understand the importance of communication; we need it in order to keep a warm
and welcoming environment. For example,
my boyfriend understands that when he comes home, first and foremost he needs
to listen to my day and then he can go and watch TV. =)
SECRET
NUMBER THREE
Words
Empower
It seems to
be so easy for married or not even married couples to start to knit pick at
each others flaws, and over time this may lead to emotional walls that can cause
damage. Words can either cause damage or
bring good healing. Natural human nature
directs us to desire praise from our parents and like this importance, the
praise from our spouse is just as important.
When you are out in public and praise your spouse this gives attention
to your spouses strength and is a form of showing how
much you care for your spouse. You are
showing their importance to you and how much you appreciate them.
It is important not to degrade your spouse in public;
this is showing them your value toward them is being lowered. Public praise in the relationship helps to
strengthen the bond, when you praise your partner during the day, you find
yourself thinking about them more and more and their once irritating habits
seem to drown away. Words are strong and
why not use them in a good way, tell your friends about how lucky you are to
have that person in your life. No one
ever got mad at a little praise from someone they loved.
As humans
we need this acceptance from our partner to feel that we are wanted, needed and
loved, without this the marriage is a dead fish. I feel that this is a good example of a unity
value. I have tried this in my own relationship
and have seen positive results from this, first I tried just thinking positively
and how grateful I was to have him in my life, then all the little things that
once irritated me so, didn’t seem as important or relevant. This then made me a happier person which made
him a happier person too.
ADVICE ON THE WEB
This first example comes from the
web:
Can a marriage survive lying and cheating?
I have been with my husband for six years. For the past two years we have been very unhappy. It's been like a wall has grown between us. We have had ongoing issues that we avoided addressing -- except in fights.
In addition, it turns out he had been cheating on me for a year and continuously lied about it. I found bits of evidence, but each time I confronted him, he said that he was not seeing her. I finally caught him and he is now being honest about it.
Where do we go from here? How do we get past something like this? Can the marriage survive if we work on it with some help from an outside perspective?
He says that he really wants to work on our marriage -- and that if whatever we try does not work, then at least we can't say that we did not go down without fighting!
Couples can move through infidelity if both parties are willing to work with
it, learn from it and grow from it.
Getting good outside help is important. Find a counselor who works mainly with couples. Ask about their approach. Make sure they work with emotional reactivity, sexual intimacy, infidelity -- and not just communication skills.
The affair, if approached skillfully by both of you, can be a powerful catalyst to tear down the wall that haunted your marriage. But each of you needs to face and deal with the deeper inner emotional elements that built the wall.
Avoidance will no longer suffice. It is finally time to face your fears. You will need to look at your own role in how the marriage got to where it is now -- not just blame him.
The fighting, unhappiness, lying and cheating -- and the avoidance -- are interrelated. This is the opportunity to break through that wall and get to a deeper, more genuine and fulfilling level of intimate connection. It does take work. But it can be done if you are both ready to face fears and crack the wall.
It is a very good sign that he is motivated to do this. It would be ideal for the two of you to make a clear agreement on the work you will do. We suggest this includes getting weekly counseling as a couple, and possibly individually too, for a set length of time. Six months minimum.
Commit to a timeframe where neither of you can opt out. Put the ultimate question of whether you will stay together on hold -- only ask it at the end of the time period.
A lot of healing and growing can happen if you let it. You now need to give your best effort to doing this work. So commit to focus on your personal part of it.
Also make other basic commitments that will hold in this time period -- being honest, being monogamous, and whatever else is vital for you to stay and do this now.
During this period, you might also pursue intensive growth experiences, like workshops or a couples retreat.
As you start this journey, make sure the following conditions are met:
• You are both open to learning new ways to directly deal with difficult emotions.
• You are both willing to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds from the affair.
• You are both ready to face the inner fears that have held you back in intimacy.
• You are both prepared to increase your authenticity and kindness in communicating.
Meet those conditions, and you can make this journey a transformative one, where you each grow enormously as individuals. And you will emerge stronger as a couple, sharing solid trust and profound fulfillment.
This advice does not follow the unity model of
marriage and more in the dominance or equity models. Though only the husband is the one having an
affair, the advice states that both should be working on the marriage, if he
had conjoined himself to this wife then he would never have cheated on
her. They need to first work to get to
the unity model of marriage, but after what he had done I am not sure if they
can make it to that stage. The husband
needs to be worked on, he needs to take the time and make the effort to develop
mental and physical intimacy with this wife.
The advice also states that
they should be seeking counseling and not only for him, but for both of
them. He is the one that cheated and yet
she too needs to seek individual counseling for the marriage. The unity model of marriage states that the
couple needs to grow together through reciprocity, and that is obviously not
what the husband did.
Link : http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer2.html
The Skill of Listening
Listening is crucial in
relationship. Each of us wants to be heard. So, it is vital to know how to
listen to each other. Like all skills, listening can be improved. Listening
means:
1. You are outwardly quiet. No speaking.
2. You are quiet inside too, like a tranquil lotus pond. You are not rehearsing
what you'll say next.
3. You hear what is true for your partner, from their point of view - in
whatever they say. You may personally disagree, but you still seek to
understand what's true for them.
4. You occasionally feed back what you're hearing. Don't make your own
interpretations. Use their words. Question them about what they mean by
something instead of assuming you know.
Listening is the opposite of being defensive or trying to change your partner.
It is based on the sincere wish to create a positive outcome, and build a supportive
relationship.
Link: http://www.soulmateoracle.com/relationship-advice.html
This advice given can relate a little more to the
unity model of marriage than the first, this one is basically giving advice on
listening and what to do while your partner is talking. Based on the model it is important for the
man to focus in on his wife while she is talking, to laugh when she laughs and
cries when she cries. He needs to set
his emotional state of being to hers.
This advice is telling the readers to just listen, but not to have a
blank face while the person is talking.
The wife needs to feel that her husband is listening and cares about
what she is saying.
Thus this is a good example of the unity model, if the
husband is aligned to his wife then he will be there to listen to her, even if
it is to vent about her day. He wants to
make her feel better and it doesn’t feel good if the person that you are taking
to does not listen.
The Question that I am answering is Question 6:
(a) Consider Section 5.1 Sexuality: Love of
the Sex vs. Love of One of the Sex in the
Lecture Notes
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
Describe the difference between the two types of loves as explained there.
(b) Compare this spiritual idea of sex to
the idea of sex promoted today by psychologists and sex therapists. Find some
examples on the Web (give links) or in books and journal articles (give full
reference).
In today’s society sex is an important issue and holds much mental occurrence. Theistic psychology defines two different types of sexuality, one is considered heavenly and other hellish. As people, we need to decide if our actions are heavenly or hellish and choose one. The first is “love of sex” or selfish sex is considered hellish and the “love of one of the sex” or selfless sex is considered heavenly.
The
difference lies with in the meanings that love of sex is to love the feeling or
the activity while the love of one of the sex is to be in love with the person
sexually. The love of the sex is an
operation in the affective organ, a low part of the mind that we share with
animals. The attitude that lies behind
the love of sex is explorative because it is tied to selfishness or may be
called altruistic sex. This selfish sex
by the husband lies in the sensorimotor functioning
with his wife but not conjunctive. This
means that it does not go any further than him getting pleasured.
This
from of sex by the man is considered unchaste, promiscuous and pornographic,
and just that its not even considered personal with
his wife. While sex therapists in
atheistic psychology encourage couples to fantasize about being with someone
else while they are making love to their spouse and to even watch porn to get the passion flowing.
This type of advice totally ignores the spiritual consequences.
The
unity model promotes partners to have a spiritual-sensual sexuality so when
they get to heaven they are going to enjoy each other, conjugal love gives
better delights and holds more passion.
Love of one of the sex is enclosed in the spiritual-sensuous part of the
mind. At this level love of one of the
sex is tied into the love of others for the sake of others. This love is exclusive, monogamous and
eternal; it builds to make the couple seem as one person. Unlike the love of sex, the love of one of
the sex cannot operate below the spiritual and celestial levels.
Following
the form of theistic psychology, the love of sex is considered natural-sensuous
which is non-exclusive and feels good with many different people while the love
of one of the sex us spiritual-sensuous and feels good with only one chosen
person. All the fantasies, thoughts and
wants for other people to have sex with are seen as a possible threat to the
relationship. In the love of one of the
sex, it is an absolutely exclusive relation between the two people. In the media today, especially in movie and
the television are often portraying men as promiscuous and unchaste while their
wives or girlfriends are seen as chaste.
The
women that are seen in the movies are too often being shown as jealous of the
women that their other finds attractive.
With the influence that the media holds on society today, the
impressions that we see on TV have a lasting effect on us. When we see the women on TV acting in that
manner it leaves us with the thought that women love monogamy in sex and that
men do not or even making themselves have those unfaithful thoughts and
actions. But in reality when a women
acts unchaste she is considered as a slut or ho. Women are all to commonly becoming
prostitutes, but when its common in the media, its
common in society.
Children
are too seeing these types of interactions in the media; along with the
violence is sex. I know that sex sells
and a lot of companies base their monthly salaries on this, but what is the
cost of this? Men and women are being
portrayed as loose, but the difference is that when a man does that its ok,
he’s a guy it’s natural. But if a woman
does the same think she is considered a horrible person, an unfit mother, a ho,
a slut and etc.
Eventually
men want exclusivity in their relationship but this is not going to stop the
feelings that the husband may or may not have toward other women or the love of
sex. It is important that the man reject
these feelings in their minds. When it
is not actively rejected in the mind it means that we are letting them into our
lives. Love of sex is just based on the
physical pleasure that one may get from the feeling of sex, examples of this is
one night stands, hookers and massage parlors.
On the other hand, the love of one of the sex is to really love one
person, be connected on a spiritual level.
It means that you enjoy having sex with and only with that one
person. Or love of the sex: SELFISH and
the love of one of the sex : SELFLESS.
A Helpful table from the lecture notes.
Link : http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#sexuality
SEX TODAY
SEX
Toys
Sex toys (vibrators, cock rings, dildos, etc.) can be a wonderful way to enhance your sexuality. Whether partnered or solo, sex toys (sometimes known as "marital aids" or "erotic toys") can add variety, excitement and spice to your love life. For women who are having problems with orgasm, a clitoral stimulator (i.e. vibrator) can allow them to have orgasms sometimes for the first time. Men can train themselves to last longer and overcome premature ejaculation. While both men and women can enhance masturbation learn about their bodies -- which is the first step in teaching a partner! And, of course, many kinds of sex toys can also be enjoyed purely for sexual and sensual pleasure with a partner!
Link: http://www.sexology.org/sex_toys.htm
This piece of information
comes from an online site that was formed by a doctor to help people with
sexual problems. This site promotes the
use of sex toys to get both partners to enhance their sex lives. This is not aligned with the spiritual
marriage because it is the same thing as watching porn, it’s lazy. The couple needs work together without
anything else to get into the mood and enhance their sex lives. They should not be relying on toys to do the
job. Soon there will be no need for the
partner since there are so any toys out there.
In search of a psychology of safer-sex promotion; beyond beliefs and texts
Charles Abraham and Paschal Sheeran1
Department of Epidemiology and Public Health,
1Department of Psychology,
Belief and attitudinal change are important to the promotion of safer sexual behaviour. However, the individual decision-making psychology implicit in belief—change models provides only a partial picture of the determinants of sexual behaviour. A broader psychological understanding emphasizing the complex social skills involved in regulating sexual interaction is advocated. A discourse analysis critique of the viability of characterizing individuals' psychology on the basis of verbal responses is discussed and it is noted that psychological models linking such responses to underlying beliefs and cognitions must be based on measures which accurately predict health behaviour. It is concluded that an interactive model incorporating personal, interpersonal and situational constraints on sexual behaviour could be used to design effective programmes addressing barriers to HTV protection. Such interventions would promote communication and sexual negotiating skills and could be included in school curricula. This would have radical implications for sex education, shifting its theoretical basis from biology to social psychology and its methods from information-giving to participation and practice.
I
found this site online and it talks about the promotion of safe sex to prevent
against things like HIV and STDs. People
today understand the concern of looseness in today’s world and people are
trying to find ways to overcome this problem.
So many people are infected daily with STDs and HIV that we need to find
a solution, while this does not identify with the spiritual idea; it is a start
that a changing nation needs to deal with.
Sex therapists all hold different views as to how to address the issue
of sex. Their ideas range from divorce to
getting remarried, but they have a commonality, which is to make the relationship
for the couple in need a stronger one.
DEAR
Dear Alice,
I was really drunk and don't remember the night
clearly, but I think I may have had sex. Now I don't know if I could be
pregnant or not. I had never had sex before this. Help me please!
Dear Reader,
Your question brings up a couple of different issues. Not remembering the
events of an evening clearly can be disconcerting. You were drunk, you may have
had sex for the first time, you may or may not be pregnant, and you're asking
Here are a few actions to take to help you feel and be more in control:
- Depending upon your relationship, you may want to ask your partner what happened. If the night was spent with someone you know, and you feel comfortable doing so, you could try asking him about what happened. Understandably, this might be awkward and embarrassing, but this conversation might alleviate some fear, or at least help you to understand what happened, and what steps you might take at this point. Perhaps, however, this is not possible.
- If the night you describe was
recent, it's smart to make an appointment for a gynecological exam with
your provider, or at a clinic, such as Planned
Parenthood, which may be able to determine if you had sexual
intercourse, and if a pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) test makes sense. If you're a
Emergency Contraception (EC) is an option for you to discuss with your
health care provider. EC needs to be taken within 72 hours of unprotected,
unanticipated intercourse to prevent pregnancy. It's available to
While the possibility that you are pregnant may be foremost on your mind, it's not clear from your question what this experience feels like for you. Perhaps over time, after reading this answer and gathering other information, your reactions and needs will change. In any case, you deserve support, access to resources, and an open ear. No matter what you decide to do or how you view what happened, talking with someone you trust may prove very helpful; someone, such as a close family member or friend.
You may also want to think about how much you drank that night and how it affected
you. Since alcohol impairs judgment, perception, and behavior, you may want to
think about how much alcohol is reasonable for you to drink, so that you can
relax and have fun while also being true to your values and decisions. Q&As in
On a darker note, your experience may have been nonconsensual, considering
that you were drunk and don't remember exactly what happened. It's also
possible someone slipped a drug into your drink. This may be hard to think
about in addition to your other concerns. At
The experience you describe is more common than we think. Drinking, sex, expectations, values, and desires get mixed up — sometimes in fulfilling and exciting ways, sometimes in unsettling, unclear, or even scary ways. It's important to find and receive the physical and emotional support that you deserve.
The advice
that is given here does not match up with the spiritual ideal of sex, in the
last paragraph she states that “The experience you describe is more
common than we think.” Spiritual sexuality promotes being with only one
person and not sleeping around, the Emergency Contraception Pill makes it
easier for people to have one night stands because we think oh, if I make a
mistake tonight then I can just pop a pill tomorrow and everything will be ok. This is promoting the love of sex. But there also might be a chance that the
poor girl was slipped a date rape pill in her drink and was raped, but this is
also an example of the love of sex because a man desires it so that he would do
that to someone.
The question that I am answering is Question 9:
(b) Describe the game and its theory.
(c) Test the game with other people. Describe the
results and give recommendations.
The purpose of this game is
to teach others of their actions and whether it is conjunctive or
disjunctive.
The
game: Couples (husband and wife) are
joined as one team. There needs to be at
least two couples playing this game.
Game equipment
1. 1 board with unity land on one third, dominance on the
other side and a neutral side that the players start out in.
2. 4-8 different figurines of people (all different colors)
3. cards- to write the questions on that are going to be
placed in the neutral side
4. dice
Rules
1. Each person playing gets to put there piece in the middle
of the board.
2. There is no fighting, and if there is any that couple is
out
3. To promote awareness of ones actions in the relationship
and hopefully set people on the path to unity
4. an explanation of disjunctive and conjunctive behavior will
be read before game starts
Idea: The couples
that are playing the game all start out in the middle of the board, colored
cream which is the neutral spot. Each
player will take a turn rolling the dice to see which couple gets to go
first. Which ever couple wins gets to
start.
1. the player from the opposing team will read the first card
2. each card has a message written on the back, a scenario that
the person needs to determine what it is, whether it be conjunctive or
disjunctive.
3. the person whose turn it is needs to answer which on it is
4. if they get it right they move toward the unity land ending
5. if they get it wrong the move their piece toward the
dominance side
6. bonus* three cards are mixed into the deck and if chose,
the person needs to state one conjunctive action that they are going to do for
their spouse, if the spouse likes it the player advances two spots.
Cards for Conjunctive
· she says "Let's do x" he says "Ok, if you want to."
· she says "That's not what it is. This is what it is." he says "All right, I'll adopt your view on the situation."
· she says "It's not the right way to it" he says "I understand what you are pointing out. OK, I agree."
· she says "You did x" he says "Strange how I remembered y, but OK, thanks, for setting the matter straight."
-the
man drops is make thinking
-the
husband conforms his way of thinking to hers
-the
man drops his male prerogatives
-the
man does what the woman wants to do
-they
spend all their time together
-the
couple does not fight and its not ok to drop the
problem
· he never talks to the children about his wife, without telling her what he said
· when he talks to his guy friends or strangers about his wife, he acts like his wife is listening
· he never tells her lies about what he knows or does, by avoiding to act in a way she wouldn't approve if she knew all the circumstances
· he keeps her in the loop about all things without exception, explaining to her all that he does and why
Cards
for Disjunctive
· she says "Let's do x" he says "Let's do y"
· she says "That's not what it is. This is what it is." he says "No way, it's that"
· she says "It's not the right way to it" he says "Yes, it is."
· she says "You did x" he says "No, I did y"
-the
man decides what to do and when to do it
· he doesn't make up for his disjunctive acts but expects her to forget about it after awhile
· he refuses to accept the idea that his wife needs for him to make up adequately enough
· he continues to insist in his mind that saying Sorry, or Giving a special treat or gift, is enough
· he continues to hang on to the false idea that if she loves him, she should forgive him
· he uses all sorts of justifications to explain away what he did to her, which is to cause her to be disturbed, and instead talks about why he did what he did, refusing to address or acknowledge what he did to her feelings