Psychology 409b- November 18, 2006
Level of Toleration
Signifies Relationship Model
Unity Model of Marriage
Lecture Notes
Section 19
By: Laura C. Moa
Instructions for this
activity are found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl
(2006) Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage for G25.
Online at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm. Reviewing Pages 85-87.
Section 19.
.
I.
Difference and Similarities between the Dominance Model,
the Equity Model, and the Unity Model.
á
Within these lecture
notes, Dr. James presents us with a structured table (Table 8 of the Online
Lecture Notes) to reflect the various similarities and dissimilarities when
comparing each model. He provides a description and explanation of the various behaviors
that are tolerated when operating within in each particular model. The table,
itself, lists specific circumstances that occur in marriage in which
disagreements are either tolerated or not tolerated by each model. The table
consists of four patterns that can be expected. Each pattern is directed by its
corresponding model which controls interaction. The four patterns are a
categorization of Òhabitual behaviorsÓ governed by each model.
A.
Evaluation of the
Dominance Model
á
When subscribing to
the Dominance Model a couple will often tolerate differences and disagreements
about a particular issue. There a few instances where differences are not
tolerated, however, this, in some cases, may just a manipulation of the manÕs
control. In these instances, if differences arise, it is the man who over-rules
the female and makes the decision for her. It is he who will not tolerate
differences in these specific circumstances forcing his wife to align with
him.
1.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Tolerated
a.
ÒWhat restaurant to go
to.Ó
b.
What to order to eat.
c.
What movie they will
watch.
d.
How each partner
dresses on particular outings
e.
ÒWhat friends to
socialize with.Ó
f.
ÒHow to deal with money
or investmentsÓ
g.
Dealing with family
h.
Political views (ÒWhat
party to supportÓ)
i.
Sense of Humor (ÒWhat
they laugh atÓ)
j.
ÒWhat they feel
sentimental aboutÓ
2.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Not Tolerated
a.
ÒHow to deal with
childrenÓ
b.
ÒWhere to liveÓ
c.
ÒPhysical abuse or
violenceÓ
3.
Within the dominance
model it is to be expected that toleration is lax concerning disagreements
between partners. This is due to the basic premise of male domination, which is
something that the model, itself, substantiates.
4.
ÒSeparatenessÓ is an
automatic stipulation that is adjacent to domination. Therefore, it is present
when a couple is operating in the dominance model. Because the man is
constantly trying to assert independence and control, he is automatically
creating a rift between his wife and himself. He is preventing them from
conjoining by allowing them to function on separate pages.
5.
This separateness is
what allows them to tolerate differences and reject closeness.
B.
Evaluation of the
Equity Model
á
According to this
model it is a common value for a couple to Òagree to disagreeÓ when considering
specific ideas, thoughts, values, or decisions. As the table reflects, there
are even fewer instances in the equity model when a couple will refuse to tolerate
differences or disagreements than that of the dominance model. Differences are
often welcomed because the relationship is based on intellect and equal
distribution. Within this model, tolerance of differences and disagreements are
acceptable in order that a sense of Òpeace and comfortÓ will be attained.
However, this behavior, although it may create comfortableness, it nonetheless
hinders unity.
1.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Tolerated
a.
ÒWhat restaurant to go
to.Ó
b.
What to order to eat.
c.
What movie they will
watch.
d.
How each partner
dresses on particular outings
e.
ÒWhat friends to
socialize with.Ó
f.
ÒHow to deal with
money or investmentsÓ
g.
ÒHow to deal with the
childrenÓ
h.
ÒWhere to liveÓ
i.
Dealing with family
j.
Political views (ÒWhat
party to supportÓ)
k.
Sense of Humor (ÒWhat
they laugh atÓ)
2.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Not Tolerated
a.
ÒPhysical abuse or
violenceÓ
3. The reason why there are so many
instances in this model where couples tolerates disagreements is due to the
fact that couples will uphold this idea
to Òagree to disagreeÓ with the motivation that both parties are respecting
each others differences. However, this is an anti- unity value, and is degrading to unity. This idea of Òagreeing to
disagreeÓ is value that is masqueraded as a fair way to compromise or a way to
achieve mutual respect. However, it is actually a tactic of the dominance model
because it hinders conjoinment and encourages the
husband to continue to assert independence.
C.
Evaluation of the
Unity Model
á
According to the table,
this model does not allow for disagreements between partners. There are rare
occasions in which differences (not disagreements) are allowed to exist within
the relationships. However, these instances only arise in situations when a
partner, more than likely a man, must respect his or her spouse for the way
they are feeling and the emotions they have in order to create harmony, unity,
and show love.
1.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Tolerated
a.
Sense of Humor (ÒWhat
they laugh atÓ)
b.
ÒWhat they feel
sentimental aboutÓ
2.
Issues in Which
Disagreement is Not Tolerated
a.
ÒWhat restaurant to go
to.Ó
b.
What to order to eat.
c.
What movie they will
watch.
d.
How each partner
dresses on particular outings
e.
ÒWhat friends to
socialize with.Ó
f.
ÒHow to deal with
money or investmentsÓ
g.
ÒHow to deal with the
childrenÓ
h.
ÒWhere to liveÓ
i.
Dealing with family
j.
Political views (ÒWhat
party to supportÓ)
k.
ÒPhysical abuse or
violenceÓ
3.
The reason that the
unity model does not tolerate disagreements is because both parties are working
toward conjoining together as one entity.
4.
This conjoinment means that there cannot be any separateness,
space, distance, or disagreements between them.
5.
When a couple detects
a disagreement or is misaligned in any way, it is distressing for them because
this poses as a threat to spiritual, emotional, and mental unity and intimacy.
For this reason, it is imperative that the disagreement be discussed and
extinguished right away to avoid creating distance between the couple.
6.
To do this, the
husband must relinquish control and ally his thoughts and feelings with that of
his wifeÕs. He must reject is innate instinct to disagree with her. By doing
this he is showing her that he has complete trust and faith in her decisions
and feelings.
7.
Relinquishing control
is one of the best decisions a man can make for his relationship. This is
because a wife is automatically trying to conjoin and will therefore make
decisions for the best of the relationship while also taking into consideration
the feelings of her husband.
8.
When operating in the
unity model, it is possible for a couple to act in an inconsistent way which
can throw off the basic pattern reflected in the table. Nevertheless, it is
possible to recover. Men might occasionally fail in overcoming his instinctual
cues to dominate and disagree; in this instance he must realize his fault.
9.
He should
automatically apologize; make things right, and realign. He can do this by showing
sincere guilt. In this way he can reconstruct the pattern, allowing harmony to manifest
itself once again in their relationship.
10. After witnessing his effort, the wife will willingly
express forgiveness, compassion, and love, accepting his mistake as a
Òmomentary lapseÓ in judgment.
Relates
Links:
1).
Making Decisions
Together
This
site, written by authors Sheri Stritof and Bob Stritof, discusses the importance of making decisions
together in marriage. The authors suggest that all important decisions should
be made together. They outline a number of important decisions that they feel
should definitely be made as a team, like decisions on parenting, finances,
household chores, future plans, and how to spend free time. The StritofÕs say the Òmaking decisions should be a shared
responsibility.Ó They assert that if the responsibility is not shared then it
can cause unhappiness in marriage. Sheri and Bob discuss several
characteristics of successful marriages which they feel are related to decision
making, characteristics like sincerity, compromise, and concern for your
partners wishes. I chose this concept because I felt it related to the topic of
tolerating differences and disagreements. Disagreements often occur because
decisions are made separately. This site reminded me of Dr. JamesÕ concepts
about conjoining with oneÕs spouse. I feel that this site might reflect a model
similar to that of the equity model or possibly contain parts of the unity
model as well.
http://marriage.about.com/od/loveisadecision/a/decisions.htm
2). The
Individual Me.
This
particular site was written by a woman named Chelsea Badeau.
In this site she discusses her feelings about the importance of individuality,
independence, and separateness. She talks about the harmful effects that can
come from completely devoting your heart and life to a relationship that might
end up failing. She tells a story about a friend who chose to enter a
relationship in which she isolated herself from others in order to be with that
person. This eventually caused her to push away her friends, neglect her family,
and abandon her hobbies, interests, and dreams only to later be heartbroken
when they broke up. I chose this site because I thought it was an interesting
contrast to the concepts that Dr. James has taught us in this section. I feel
that the relationship she describes in this site was unhealthy, not because the
women was devoted, but because she was in a dominant relationship. Badeau writes, ÒBalance and moderation are crucial to
mental, emotional, and physical health. Too much of anything is never good. You
should never completely change your life and stop doing the things you enjoy just
to please your mate.Ó She asserts that being absorbed in a relationship can
cause one to lose their separate individual self. However, I donÕt think that
this change is a bad thing. I think that
http://www.comcast.net/relationships/chelsea/index.jsp?articleId=2
3). Separation is Never Pleasing to
God.
This
is a site that gives a Christian perspective on separation. It gives various
different examples of Bible scripture that discuss the meaning of marriage and commitment.
It also discusses the idea of eternal togetherness by saying that, Òwhen a
couple enters into the covenant of marriage, the Bible tells us that God joins
them together in one flesh.Ó In a way, this particular statement is promoting
Dr. James concept of unity and conjoinment. According
to the unity model, two partners should never be separate but should attempt to
become one, aligning in every action, reaction, thought, and motivation. I
chose this site because I felt it added a good variety to my choice of sources.
I thought that it was a good example of a source which promotes the concepts I
learned in this section. It aligns with the unity modelÕs idea on intolerance
of disagreements or differences.
http://www.gotquestions.org/trial-separation-marriage.html
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-home.htm
Class Home Page:http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm