Psychology 409b-Tuesday September 26, 2006
Are We Getting What We Bargained For?
Chapter 2
By: Laura C. Moa
Instructions for this
activity are found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
Coleman, Joshua Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (
I.
How to Change Your Relationship (Getting Him to Do More).
A.
Strategic Thinking: Author
Joshua Coleman believes that, to generate change within your relationship, one
must participate in strategic thinking. For a woman to get what she wants from
her mate she must plan her moves strategically. Thinking strategically requires
awareness, acknowledgement and change in both the, unconscious, and conscious processes
that affect a relationship. The result of this will be harmony within your
relationship.
1.
Unconscious aspects
a.
Unconscious
processes play an important role, in that, one might experience trouble
expressing unhappiness to their partner due to various unconscious ideas and
thoughts:
á
OneŐs feelings might make
her think that she doesnŐt have a right to complain.
á
One might have grown
up watching her mother take on all the responsibilities of maintaining a home
and a family, therefore she uses her mother as a model.
á
Low-self esteem can
cause a woman to doubt herself, lower her standards for her mate, and feel less
entitled than her husband.
á
Her views concerning
the roles of a woman can cause her to take on particular unwanted tasks for
fear of not fulfilling their role, even if those tasks are too much.
á
Many women give their
male mates more power. Idealizing them because they provide financial support.
Refusing to recognize this occurrence will reinforce lazy behavior. He wonŐt
help out because she doesnŐt make it clear that he has to or itŐs his job
á
Women are usually
socialized to be more caring, sympathetic, empathetic, and self-sacrificing,
this causes them to feel guilty about making demands or expressing that their mates
arenŐt doing enough, therefore causing a women to make excuses concerning why
he doesnŐt help.
b.
Recognizing that
these ideas and thoughts exist can allow you to acknowledge them and work
towards changing them.
2.
Conscious aspects
a.
It is imperative
to be consciously aware of the steps one might need to elicit desired responses
from her man in order to put action into motion and acquire change within her
marriage.
á
Identify what each of
you has to bargain with.
á
Identify who has more
bargaining power
á
Identify how you can
obtain more bargaining power.
á
Evaluate whether youŐre
getting what you want from your mate.
á
After identifying what
youŐre not getting, plan out ways to achieve what you want.
á
Being too timid with
demands will not give you the response you want, ultimately causing you to get
ignored.
á
Make sure you express gratitude,
appreciation, and empathy, acknowledging his perspective before you state
demands.
á
Make specific
suggestions, communication effectively, and state feelings in form of fact.
á
Be assertive with your
demands.
á
Steer clear of using Ňmoralistic
or shaming language,Ó avoiding a Ňvictimized or burdened toneÓ to ensure not to
encourage resistance or a defensive attitude from him.
á
Understand that men donŐt
like to be told what to do; therefore, get him to understand your feelings and
motivations. This will ensure he wonŐt assume heŐs being told what to do.
B.
Investment: One who
invests more cares more, therefore has less bargaining power.
1.
Recognize that 9
months of pregnancy automatically requires more investment from the woman. This
means that she will feel more attached and devoted to her child at birth,
ultimately causing her to care more and respond more quickly to their needs
(this idea can also apply to partners as well, not only children).
2.
Acclimating yourself
to this idea of investment will help you understand how to regain bargaining
power.
3.
In order to combat
this predicament, one must motivate her mate to care as much about the task she
desires him to do. To accomplish this one can:
á
Persuade her mate to
understand how important the task is to her.
á
Persuade him how
important the task is for their children.
á
Help him to recognize
that whatever task heŐs doing is not as important as the one at hand.
á
Remind him of the
tasks he initiates doing that he doesnŐt always enjoy, like occupational work. He
is motivated to do these tasks because there are often good consequences. Not
doing a task can cause a negative outcome, like not going to work. Relate these
consequences to his level of investment to encourage him to motivate himself
based on the costs and benefits of not caring.
C.
Suggested Ways To Bargain For Change
1.
ŇAppeal to his sense
of fair-playÓ by helping him to understand why itŐs fair for him to help you
with the household chores and children.
2.
Get him to recognize
that giving you more help, and changing his lazy behavior will be a benefit to
him. List ways it will benefit him. Show him that doing more will make you a
happier partner. A happier partner will result in a happier relationship.
3.
Ask for exchange in
favors. Get him to recognize that certain things you do are favors to him
because you love him, therefore he should actively participate in doing favors
for you.
4.
Get him to realize how
much you do, by expressing ways you contribute and tasks you engage in.
5.
Clearly, firmly,
directly, but lovingly, communicate that you are unhappy with the way things
are. Then give him specific ways to make you happier.
6.
Identify what
priorities are high on his list. Use his priorities as a bargaining tool to
encourage him to change. If something is important to him he wonŐt neglect it.
7.
Lower your standards. Identify
which chores are essential, and which can be eliminated. Sacrifice dropping
those chores that arenŐt as important to avoid setting a standard that is too
high for your partner to maintain.
8.
Exchange in trading of valued tasks.
Agree to give him something you know he values and in exchange he should give
you something you value.
9.
Take steps to obtain power
and improve your worth or value in the relationship. Examples of these may
include improving your attractiveness and getting counseling on assertiveness. Doing
these things will increase your bargaining power.
Relates Links:
1). Parental Investment
These articles give support to the idea that women are more
invested in the care of their children than men. The first site gives various reasons
for the occurrence of parental investment. The first site also provides
evidence that pregnancy automatically requires more parental investment from
females, even after birth, during lactation. I chose these articles because they
directly relate to Joshua ColemanŐs theory of why women are more invested in
child rearing causing them to have a higher tendency to care about their childŐs
discomfort, therefore giving their husbands more bargaining power.
http://courses.wcupa.edu/renner/psy335/mating/sld001.htm
http://psych.unn.ac.uk/users/nick/hormonespp10/tsld004.htm
2. Men look at housework as ŇwomenŐs workÓ
This suggestive article, written by Marty Friedman, is a
comment on how to get a man to do more housework. She acknowledges that men are
not raised to feel responsible for participating in housework. They consciously
or unconsciously see the work as womenŐs work. Friedman continues by saying
that a woman should respectfully state her request in order to elicit a good
response. I chose this site because Friedman comments on some similar concepts
as Joshua Coleman does concerning men and housework.
http://www.marriedromance.com/columns/friedman/housework.htm
3.) Division of housework can affect marital happiness.
This article suggests that housework
is a big issue that can affects marital satisfaction among couples. The article
also mentions statistics that show division of household duties is one of the number
one conflicts in marriages. The article also suggests that women tend to do
most of the housework and that when men participate; it is often just considered
helping their wives. This suggests that the household duties are essentially
the work of the woman therefore, when their husbandŐs participate, it is often
considered a favor.
http://www.pobronson.com/factbook/pages/278.html
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-home.htm
Class Home Page:http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm