Psychology 409b-October 16, 2006

 What Is Really Abuse? How Do We Know we’re Being Abused?

Unity Model of Marriage Lecture Notes

Section 11

By: Laura C. Moa

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl (2006) Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage for G25.

Online at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm. Reviewing Pages 50-52. Section 11.

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I. Let’s define mental abuse 

A. The unity model of marriage demands mental intimacy, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy. Mental abuse occurs in a relationship when a man ignores the demands required to achieve this conjugal relationship with his wife and asserts his independence from her.

· It is an anti-unity value.

· Mental abuse is a means or component used by men to assert power or control over a woman

· The most typical view of mental abuse involves outright verbal denigration and disrespect. However, there are many other ways for a man to denigrate his wife that are often overlooked in society.

· Dr. James and Dr. Nahl define mental abuse as; when a man’s actions or attitude prevent his wife from achieving the mental intimacy she desires within their marriage.

· The act of abuse is not only verbal; a husband can often inflict mental abuse on his wife by physically by engaging in things like sexual blackmail. This type of physical abuse in a marriage can cause serious emotional stress, making the abuse both physical and emotional.

· Any type of emotional heartache a man inflicts on his wife or allows, whether intentional or unintentional, denigrates the path to unity and creates obstacles at reaching complete, eternal, spiritual, and emotional conjugial love.

· A woman strives for this type of connection with her husband and when he asserts independence he is standing in the ways of her ultimate desire, this is mental abuse, because it leaves her feeling unsatisfied, zealous, stressed, and ultimately, hurt

B. Examples of Mental Abuse

1. Verbal denigration, angry tone, hurtful name calling, putting down.

2. Threatening, blaming, criticizing, implicating

3. The known all to well, “silent treatment”, when a man refuses to communicate with his wife despite the fact that she yearns to know his feelings.

4. Walking away from a woman during a fight or any time she doesn’t want her partner to leave.

5. Sexual blackmail, when a man forces his wife to show him affection, intimacy, or give him sex when she doesn’t want to.

6. When a man takes his wife for granted causing her to feel unappreciated, neglected, unwanted, unworthy, and unhappy.

7. Allowing or causing her to feel guilty. Guilt can be a horrible thing to live with, when a man doesn’t support his wife in any way he can it shows disapproval and creates domination.

8. Manipulating her so that she feels confused. Turning things around, allowing her to feel that she is wrong and he is right all in order to get what he wants.

9. Any time a man breaks a promise. A promise isn’t just made when the words “I promise” are said. Anytime anything comes out of her husband's mouth, a wife automatically wants to believe his words because she loves him. No matter how small it is, abuse occurs when a man says he’s going to do something that he doesn’t do

10. Interrupting a thought, a sentence, an activity, or conversation makes a woman feel like what she has to say or what she’s doing is unimportant to her husband.

11. When a man uses a woman for any type of sexual gratification in a non-intimate way and then turns her away making her feel cheap. A woman craves for intimate sex even if she says different it's most likely because she's been socialized by societies dominance model.

12. Stifling her spirit, keeping her from expressing her self.

13. Standing in the way of her goals, desires, and wishes, keeping her from achieving the things that she wants.

14. Making her feel uninteresting, “showing disinterest in her”. This can be by watching television and not giving her attention or in other various ways.

15. Adding stress to her life by making her feel like a maid or a mother, this encourages her to feel that she must do everything or anything just to make you happy, and she will, therefore, it's exploitation.

16. Talking badly about her to friends, family, co-workers, or anyone else. Running down her reputation or pride.

C. So What Do We Need to Know and Understand to Achieve an Ultimate Connection With Our Partner?

· Most of views out there claiming to lead us down a road toward marital satisfaction and bliss propose compromise and bargaining. In other words, these views suggest that a wife live in either the dominance model (like Dr. Laura), or the equity model (like Joshua Coleman). However, when push comes to shove, the equity model is just a more sensitive version of the dominance model there's no such thing as equity really. Neither view is "wife-centric" like that of the unity model.

· When a man forces his wife to engage in sex when she doesn't want to be intimate he is being "self-centered, or genital centered" as the readings reflect. However, forcing a wife to engage in sex is just one of the many ways that a man tries to assert power and gain independence from his loving wife. If a woman doesn't want to do something, no matter what it is, her husband should understand that there is an emotional reason behind her choice. Instead of coaxing her to engage unwilling, he should attempt to achieve mental intimacy with her through communication. Only then can they fully enjoy the pleasure of mental and physical intimacy.

· There is NO sexual intimacy without mental intimacy. Sexual intimacy cannot exist without the mental connection behind it. A man who forces sex without intimacy can make a woman feel dirty and used.

· Ultimately a husband should understand that hurting his wife means hurting himself because it's hurting their marriage, and why hurt your wife when her ultimate goal is to love you and make you happy?

Relates Links:

1). Signs of Abuse

This site was created for victims of domestic abuse. The authors of this site defined domestic abuse as an abuser who uses force or intimidation to assert control over the partner. The site lists various different types of abuse that can often occur, for example, physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual, sexual, and economic abuse. It discusses the various symptoms that can often lead a spouse to be abusive or violent. The site also makes mention of the effects that abuse can have on the victim. I chose this site because I feel that it applies to the topic of mental abuse. Personally I feel that all abuse, physical or not, is mental abuse because the effects of the abuse can leave definite emotional scars. Although domestic abuse is often discussed in social circles, there is a bias concerning what can be constituted as abuse. Most often sites like these will discuss extreme versions of abuse and leave out other important ways that abuse can occur, Dr. James and Dr. Nahl’s readings encourages us to look at those abuses that are often overlooked.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

2). A Day in the Life of A Victim

This site is a personal diary, you could say, about the mental abuse that has occurred in the writer’s marriage. She discusses her dilemma through this site concerning the struggles that she has endured. She also describes scenarios or events that have led her to believe that her husband was inflicting emotional abuse upon her. I found this site interesting because it reflects that blinders that society wears concerning mental abuse. In the writings, the woman describes her feelings of hesitation and fear that no one would believe her. She discusses times when even her sister doubted her and the fear she experienced when deciding on leaving her husband. The woman discusses her fear that her children might be taken from her if the judge didn’t believe that the abuse existed. I, personally, struggled while reading this because it made me think that even in the court of law strong biases can exist. I feel that this relates to the readings because I feel if more people could understand the idea of conjugal bliss in relationships, there would be fewer victims, and less divorce.

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg0122480223023.html?51

3). Does Religion Have Anything to Say about It?

The writer of this article gives an interesting perspective on spousal abuse. I picked this article because the writer acknowledges the fact that most people have a hard time deciphering when abuse is occurring. Another perspective is also given concerning what the Bible says about abuse. I thought this might be an interesting aspect to read about because, as we discussed in class today, most psychologists would like to leave religion out of the analysis of marital satisfaction. However, as the readings reflect, spiritual intimacy is just as important in a relationship and physical intimacy. In order to achieve conjugial love one must achieve all levels of intimacy.

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/spouse-abuse.htm

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-home.htm

Class Home Page:http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm