Psychology 409b-Tuesday October 24, 2006

What’s So Difficult About Fulfilling Responsibilities of the Home?

The Lazy Husband Pages 182-191

 By: Laura C. Moa

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Coleman, Joshua Ph.D. (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin’s Press). Reviewing pages 181 to 191.

I. Cognitive Differences between Men and Woman that Create Conflict in Marriage.

· Joshua Coleman explains that men and women have different determinants of marital satisfaction. These determinants are allocated by the naturally different cognitions that each gender is born with or socialized with. Therefore, these cognitions cause men and woman to have very different priorities in marriage. These different gendered cognitions are responsible for differences in parenting techniques. Coleman concludes that these differences between men and woman often create conflict in marriage.

A. Determinants of Marital Satisfaction

1. Men’s satisfaction in marriage is greatly determined by sex. It is one of their top priorities.

§ According to Joshua Coleman, “a good sex-life makes men feel important, cared about, and connected to their wives.”

§ To men housework is trifling, an inconsequential part of every day life.

§ When men engage in relaxing activities (i.e. watching t.v., taking naps, reading the paper) when there are chores to be done they do not see it as laziness, although their wives do. According to Joshua Coleman “laziness is a matter of perspective.”

§ Sex is scarce for men. From an evolutionary perspective, men are not confined by aspects of fertility. They don’t need to worry about finding a compatible mate to increase the chances of offspring surviving, because they are always fertile and can copulate as soon as they find a partner. Therefore, they are less likely to be choosy when considering a sex partner and more likely to copulate as often as possible, “maximizing opportunity to spread genes.”

§ So as Coleman states, “men’s sexual interest isn’t bothered by such trivial distractions as mood, energy level, stress,” chores, housework, intimacy, or even love.

2. A woman’s satisfaction in marriage is not solely determined by sex. She puts other priorities above sexual gratification.

§ Women don’t care about sex as much as men do.

§ Although women have an easer time finding sex partners, they are much choosier about intimacy because of their evolutionary restrictions.

§ Women have limited fertility. They have a peak window of time each month in which they can conceive. Therefore, they are naturally more concerned with finding a mate to increase the chances of their offspring surviving.

§ This means that they value other important aspects involved in relationships (i.e. affection, caring, communication, commitment, dedication to children and home) rather than non-intimate sex.

§ All these priorities, as well as stress-level and mood, affect a woman’s desire to have sex.

§ When a husband does activities to show his wife that her priorities are important to him she is more willing to engage in intimate-sex.

§ Therefore, when a husband takes responsibility to do housework he is communicating to his wife that he cares about her, wants to help decrease her stress, doesn’t consider her a slave or a mother, and he respects her enough that to do his share.

B. What prevents husbands from doing the things that make their wives happy?

1. Wives add to conflict in marriage by engaging in activities which inhibit their husbands from changing their lazy habits (i.e. gatekeeping, high standards, expecting to much from their partners, not understanding how her past contributes to her behavior, taking over, criticizing)

2. Men are more than willing to let their wives do everything that they don’t want to do for themselves.

3. Women are willing to do anything for their husbands to make them happy, therefore they feel responsible to do everything her husband wants her to do.

4. Often a husband will use his wife’s high standards as an excuse for laziness. To get out of doing chores a man will say things like “I can’t ever do it right, so I won’t do it at all” or as Joshua Coleman says, “If I do a half-ass job than maybe, just maybe, she might, in exasperation, take it over herself, thereby freeing up time for me to do all of the things I do enjoy doing, non of which have the vaguest relationship to housework (or sometimes, parenting).”

5. Women are often unhappy when men don’t take initiative to be an involved parent or chose not to react quickly when the children are distressed. Coleman explains that women prevent men from being “superinvolved” because they are “overinvolved.”

6. Men have naturally different parenting techniques than women. They are less over protective and desire that there children experience life and all its risks.

7. When women criticize their husband’s parenting it makes him feel ashamed and causes them to withdraw from making effort with their children.

8. The more unsatisfied a man is in his marriage the more likely it is for him to be an absentee father.

1. In order for a man to be a more involved parent, his wife has to be less involved, and refrain from inhibiting behavior (i.e. supervising, complaining, criticizing, over-protectiveness, and excessive feedback).

2. Men often need to be right and have things go their way, rejecting their wife’s influence. The more stubborn a husband the less likely it is for either partner to be satisfied. However, Coleman says that in situations where the wife is too overbearing, it is understandable if a husband should refuse to do housework or parenting in order to protest her dominance.

C. What he can do to change.

· Coleman believes men should make changes in their attitude even if their wives don’t. He believes the best way to get your spouse to change is by changing yourself.

1. He suggests that husbands should sit down with their wives and make out a list of chores that she would like him to do. If you think that your wife isn’t acknowledging what you do already, make out a list of things that you are already doing.

2. Find ways to bargain and comprise about the work load and her standards. Make equal trades so both partners can bargain to get what they want.

3. Don’t fight with her so often. Remember that it’s not a “power struggle”. As Coleman says, “You can be right or you can be happy, but sometimes not both.”

4. Examine your childhood and make changes accordingly.

5. Believe that her complaints about you may have some ounce of truth so changing may be worth it in order to increase satisfaction within your marriage.

6. Tell her you want to be more involved with your kids and that she can give her opinion about your parenting, but only if you ask Men should be allowed to make their own parenting mistakes.

Relates Links:

1). Mating Strategies of the Sexes. Social vs. Evolution

This site discusses the obvious differences in mating strategies of each gender. It compares two theories which both attempt to explain the various sex differences that men and women have. I chose this site because it briefly discusses the evolutionary perspective concerning why men are less choosy when picking a mate, while woman are very choosy. The author of this site, Jennifer S. Denisiuk asserts that this difference is due to evolutionary strategies of parental investment. She explains that woman automatically invest more in reproduction and offspring. Therefore, they have developed strategies of choosing mates that increase the likelihood of their offspring surviving. The evolutionary perspective that Denisiuk provides in this site is very similar to Joshua Coleman’s evolutionary perspective, that woman are limited by fertility, so they value behaviors in a man that will maximize the chance that their offspring will survive.

http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/denisiuk.html

2.) Sex is Intimate for Woman

This site was written for both men and women. It explains that women view sex as an emotional act while men often view it as a physical one. The site also gives tips to couples on how to improve their sex lives and discusses the importance of intimacy in sex. The site explains to men that woman have a need to feel emotionally close to their partner. They crave intimate sex. Therefore unresolved conflicts or unhappiness can have an effect of their sexual appetite. I chose this site because I feel that it directly applies to Joshua Coleman’s ideas on housework and sex. He asserts that when men do housework it decreases their wife’s stress level, ultimately affecting her sexual interest. Both these sites assert that a woman is more likely to have sex when her husband makes her feel like he cares.

http://life.familyeducation.com/marriage/sex-counseling/45598.html

3.) A Woman’s Day Never Ends

This site describes the hustle and bustle of a woman’s life, her high stress level, and the endless amount of chores that have to be done which prevent her from having time to relax. Various statistics are given concerning how much women do compared to how much men do. The site also mentions the theories of Joshua Coleman and John Gottman concerning marital satisfaction and housework. I chose this site because it makes reference to the lazy man syndrome. Like Coleman, this site asserts that the advantage of doing chores for men is a better sex-life. It also gives advice to woman on how to get their men to do more.

http://www.babyworld.co.uk/information/newparents/relationships/the_chore_wars.asp#lazyman

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-home.htm

Class Home Page:http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm