Psychology 409b-Tuesday November 11, 2006

Assessing the Quality of One’s Relationship Using Practicality

Unity Model of Marriage Lecture Notes

Section 16 & 17a Part 1&2

By: Laura C. Moa

Instructions for this activity are found at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Dr. Leon James and Dr. Diane Nahl (2006) Lecture Notes on the Unity Model of Marriage for G25.

Online at: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm. Reviewing Pages 65-74. Sections 16 & 17a Part 1& 2.

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I. Evaluating the Quality, Growth, Gender Discourse, and Spiritual Unity within Relationships

· . In marriage there is a natural process of growth. Different relationships can be categorized into different levels or matrixes of growth. Every relationship develops at a different speed, some move forward at a quicker pace, while others stay stagnant, or regress.

A. Assessing each level of self to determine your model and identify behavioral indicators that each model exhibits.

· A good way to assess the different matrixes of growth is by examining the three level of self. There are specific characteristics within each level of self that can be identified and evaluated through observation. Through assessing these pertinent aspects of a relationship one can more accurately determine which stage of conjoinment the relationship resides in and which model the relationship belongs in.

· A guide to the threefold self, as described in Table 7a in section 17 of the lecture notes, can help one differentiate the hierarchy of zones which exist in each level of the three fold self. Once the highest zone is completed one can progress to the next hierarchy of model.

· The zones progresses from 1 through 10. Three zones exist in each model and each zone represents one domain of the three-fold self. One can evaluate each zone by comparing the different characteristics that apply to each model.

· The characteristics that apply to each specific model are behavioral indicators that are specifically defined by the dominance, equity, or unity model.

· These behavioral indicators or characteristics signify what model each couple resides in.

I. Sensorimotor Self:

To evaluate this level of self one must observe various every day behaviors and evaluate each behavior comparatively

a. Sensorimotor Dominance (Zone 1):

In this model the male exhibits dominating behavior techniques and behaviors in every day interaction. For example:

· He controls all every day decisions. The only exception to this is when the man chooses to allow his wife to make decisions concerning specific tasks. However, in this case the man is still dominant because the woman can only make a choice when her husband decides to let her (i.e. he decides what and where they should eat, what they watch, what they talk about or not talk about, determines topical cohesion, when he wants to sit by her, what music to listen to, how much influence others have on her; when they will have physical contact, how to treat her on various occasions: All these exist according to his preferences. It is only when he has NO preference that the wife can decide).

· Whatever the man decides not to or what tasks not to participate in, he is automatically forcing his wife to pick up the slack in these areas and engage in all the tasks he’d prefer not to engage in (i.e. he doesn’t remember events, anniversaries, birthdays, or flowers, so she must. He is not attentive in areas of conversation forcing her to repeat herself)

b. Sensorimotor Equity (Zone 4):

· Behaviors and activities observed in this zone would reflect constant efforts of bargaining between both partners to achieve a state of equilibrium in which each partner takes turns winning while the other loses.

· In this zone all the same example of daily activities and decisions above, would not necessary be solely dominated by the man. Both partners would compromise, manipulating the other with priorities in order to take turns getting what he or she wants

c. Sensorimotor Unity (Zone 7):

· If a couple’s relationship operates within this zone, it means the man has made a conjunctive decision to completely relinquish control to his wife. In doing this he is actively deciding to trust his wife solely that her choices will benefit the relationship, knowing that she will not exert dominance over him, like that in the Zone 1. Instead he believes that she will always be considerate of him, not selfish, when making daily choices.

· By observing the same methods of interactions as well as behavioral tactics in every day activities (like that I have shown in Zone 1) one can determine if one’s relationship is operating in this zone because every action will coincide with unity

II. Cognitive self:

To observe this level of self one must focus of the cognitive thoughts and ideas behind each sensorimotor behavior. For example: How each partner feels about the other’s level of control, marital satisfaction, opinions, views, priorities, arguments, and marital myths. How often disagreements occur that cannot be resolved. The clarity of conversation in the relationship and the honesty and openness that each partner feels exists.

a. Cognitive Dominance (Zone 3):

· If a relationship operates in zone 3, the cognitions above that will be observed in the woman will tend to be submissive to the cognitions of the man. Most often, the woman’s thoughts or motivations about her husband will be negative because she is forced to abide in a marriage where her husband is preventing her from conjoining with him.

· For example she may often be frustrated because she doesn’t feel her husband takes into consideration her opinions. She may believe that he is stubborn when they argue therefore she feels neglected as if he doesn’t respect her ideas.

b. Cognitive Equity (Zone 6):

· If a relationship operates in zone 6, each couple will often have different cognitions and thoughts about the other, but will agree to disagree in the areas that they cannot coincide. All of their ideas and myths will be compromised if a compromise cannot be agreed upon, separate views will be accepted.

· To evaluate if a relationship exists in this zone, one must observe all the examples of cognitions and beliefs and evaluate them to see if they fit into the description stated above.

c. Cognitive Unity (Zone 8)

· If a relationship operates in this zone, then all thoughts, ideas, and beliefs in each partner will be the same. Often times there ideas about the other partner will be positive. There attitudes will be conjunctive and they will find quick resolutions to arguments.

· To evaluate if a relationship exists in this zone one must observe the various cognitions as stated above as well as various others that exist and if the observations coincide with this description that the relationship has achieved cognitive unity.

III. Affective conjunction

To observe characteristics in this level of self, one must focus of the deeper elements of thought and motivation. Analyzing this level means looking at one’s partner to determine how involved, committed, focused, passionate, and motivated he or she is in relation to the other. For example: How romantic they are? How motivated they are to be close and engage in activities together? How motivated they are to consider the other person as their top priority? How committed they are intimately, and conversationally?

a. Affective Dominance (Zone 3):

· If a relationship operates in this zone the man will lack strong motivations to conjoin with his partner. The outcome of the questions above would reflect a man asserting his independence. These outcomes could masquerade as conjoinment but in actuality it is most likely a representation of unhealthy co-dependence. The husband will not be as passionate about what is important to his wife as she is for him.

· To identify if a relationship belongs in this zone one must observe the examples above to see if they reflects the description of Zone 3.

b. Affective Equity (Zone 6):

· If a relationship operates in this zone, partners’s commitment to other will vary depending on their own prerogatives. Their motivations will be controlled by their negotiations. They will be passionate and intimate when compromise permits.

· To identify if your relationship operates in this zone one must observe their partners motivations in the ways described above to see if the outcome reflects the Zone 6 description.

c. Affective Unity (Zone 9):

· If a relationship operates in this zone then each partner will always put each other first. They will be motivated to care about the others ideas, feelings, actions, and priorities. The man will make a conscious choice to learn how to be as passionate about various things that his wife is passionate about. They will be motivated to engage in conjunctive behaviors at all times to avoid hurting their partner through abuse, retaliation, broken promises, or other various forms of disjunctive behavior.

· To identify if your relationship operates in this zone one muse observe their partners motivations. Examples of motivations to observe are given above. If the outcome of the observations coincide with the description than you and you partner have reached affective unity.

B. Gender Discourse: Male Conversational Styles

· Male conversational styles can be either sexy or unsexy according to women.

· This idea of sexy vs. unsexy does not refer to the actual practice sex or sexual references in conversation.

· The idea discusses the idea that a man’s style of conversation can be either appealing or repugnant to a woman.

· The conversational style that women display while in a group of close friends exhibits the type of interaction that women need on a day-to-day basis.

· In the unity model, the only way for a couple to become best friends is if the man agrees to learn these same passionate conversational styles that a same sex friend would display.

· A passionate and sexy conversational style directly signifies to the woman that the man is interacting with her at a deep mental level.

· Selfish ways of interacting are unsexy to women and display dominance. Examples of unsexy and selfish ways of interacting are interrupting, acting uninterested and complaining.

· When a man exhibits these dominant daily interactions it creates a sexual aversion for a woman toward her man.

· To interact in a sexy way a husband must know his wife and respect her feelings, comments, and opinions, giving up the idea he has right to under-mind her.

C. Dynamics of the Spiritual Conjoinment.

· The husband’s job is to be his wife’s best friend, soul mate, and lover. To accomplish this he must know her through and through, humor and pleasures.

· He must be able to make her laugh and give her the correct responses that she needs at every specific moment. A woman is automatically more inclined to do this for her husband than he is to do it for her.

· This alignment in humor is a symbol of emotional alignment. To laugh together and cry together is a union that can be described as a “spiritual togetherness.”

· To achieve the highest form of human potential and an endless eternity of togetherness a man must find whatever ways necessary to please his wife (i.e. showing he’s having a good time, showing her affection, making her feel like she’s the most important entity in the whole world, protecting her and cherishing her).

· Every man, at one time or another has refused this type of conjoinment or the idea that his job is to fulfill her every need.

· He needs to relinquish control to her. He has the power to control the outcome of his relationship. This shows that he loves her more than he loves himself.

Relates Links:

1). Rules for Fighting

This site was created by a group called “Marriage Today by Jimmy and Karen.” It deals with the various different ways to deal with conflict in marriage. In order to establish ways to deal with conflict, the site discusses the various reasons why conflicts arise. It asserts that conflicts between husband and wife always begin with a harsh, mean, or critical word. This site discusses, clinical psychologist, Les Parrot’s ideas about the various different ways that couples can use harmful language to induce arguments. I chose this site because I feel that it has similar attributes to the material in these lecture notes. Dr. James asserts that the unsexy language a man uses can be very harmful in a relationship. Although Les Parrot does not specifically refer to the conversational style the men use, he does touch on the basic idea of the huge effects of words in conversation.

http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5086

2). Alternative Perspective to Traditional Fundamentalism

This site, written by Gregor Smith describes an alternative view to that of the strict fundamentalist Christian perspective that elevates a man as the head of the household and the dominant figure. He, in no way relinquishes his religious beliefs, however, he clarifies the idea that a man should have sole power in a relationship. Instead he provides us with another view that asserts that a man is put here to serve his wife, love her, and take care of her, not control her. He calls his alternate perspective “Complementarianism.” This perspective asserts that God gives man the title “head of the household,” in order that he may humble himself and serve, not expect to be served. I chose this site because I found it related to the spiritual dynamic between a husband and wife that Dr. James discusses in this section. I thought it would be interesting to bring in a religious perspective to see how it compares to the unity model. In this alternative theory, it seems that Smith is saying that the husband shows the most “power” in a relationship by making the choice to humble himself to his wife. This idea is somewhat similar to that of Dr. James.

http://www.evangelicalresources.org/blog/?p=34

3). Co-dependence Can Prevent Divorce.

This site was written by Willard F. Harley, Jr., who writes on behalf of group called “Marriage Builders.” Harley asserts that high divorce rates in today’s world are directly due to the newly adapted idea that co-dependency is bad. While many couples in present times try to assert independence, Harley states that this is only harmful for relationships. He quotes Edmund J. Bourne’s definition of co-dependency which states that it is when someone puts another persons needs over their own. This describes an attitude that is selfless, not selfish. I chose this site because I found it so interesting. I often hear friends, family, and peers, speak of co-dependence as bad. If a couple is completely dependent on one another for happiness, this is considered unhealthy, however, Harley gives an interesting perspective that seems to similarly relate to the perspective that the unity model promotes, which is to relinquish independence. Has society really misinterpreted the word “co-dependence”?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html

My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/moa/moa-home.htm

Class Home Page:http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm