Report 2

The Unity Model of Marriage:

My Journey through the Models

By: Makalapua Monteilh

The instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-report2.htm

I am answering questions 3, 4, 7, 8, 10

The question I am answering is 3

(a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, and 22 as listed in the Readings section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#students

Jocelyn Hostetler (generation 20) http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/cheetara/report%203.htm

(b) Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student's report.

Jocelyn Hostetler explains her report she did prior to this report (report 3) and talks about how she mapped out the tree-fold self in gender relationships. She used self-witnessed observation and analyzed how gender behavior interacts with the tree-fold self. Jocelyn claims that report 2 allowed the couple to expand their concepts and ideas about their relationship.

Jocelyn discussed an oral presentation done by Suzanne Howard and some things she agreed and disagreed with. She talked about reference 11 which explained that in order for conjugial love to happen, a husband must voluntarily put his wife’s judgment above his own. She explained that she thought about it in terms of her relationship with her parents and how she respects how they think and feel about her actions and thoughts so, she puts their judgment above her own.

Jocelyn disagreed with the justification of why conjugial love doesn’t come to us automatically but rather, a couple must work together to achieve this goal. She expresses how she was confused and how there were so many questions running through her mind like: will people who don’t read the bible, but are exposed to Christianity, be able to experience conjugial love? Or are all homosexuals in the world wrong? She believes the whole “lord” and creator of man thing is a bit bizarre and far-fetched for her.

She explained and discussed another oral that was done by Joshua Kent on Gender and Discourse by Deborah Tannen. She agreed with the topic about alignment and status among people and believes it’s elated to gender unity. She explains that is gender unity was a goal, even she would align herself with the person she’s talking to so they feel that they have her full and undivided attention.

She disagreed with the topic about gender being related to display rather than one’s identity. She explained that gender, in her opinion, is related to behavior as well as identity.

(c) Summarize what they say they gained from doing their reports.

Jocelyn explains that gender relationships reflect cultural beliefs and practices within a society. The assignment helped her identify social and cultural attitudes in our society regarding gender relationships. She got more exposure to the new ideas and concepts while doing this report because she rarely watched TV to point out AUV’s. She watched it for pure pleasure and absorbed everything. She is now more aware of the AUV’s that are being promoted in television shows.

(d) How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?

I don’t believe her ideas influenced me at all. It gave me insight as to how she felt about different issues that were covered in the class. I have my own beliefs regarding the unity model of marriage and other people’s feelings or opinions don’t easily influence my beliefs.

Naomi Mitake (generation 21) http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/mitake/409b-g21-report2.htm

(b)

In the beginning of her report, Naomi states that many people believe men have fewer feelings than women. She thinks it’s not entirely true and brought up examples from the media as well as her own relationships to negate these feelings people have.

Naomi believes that every individual is different and unique in relationships. Men and women overall have the same amount of feelings. She gives an example of how her ex-boyfriend broke up with her because of pressure from his friends. She still loved him but at the same time was upset at him for hurting her. In the end, she found that her ex was more distraught than she was and resented his friends for encouraging him to break it off. Most of all, he was extremely angry with himself for making such a bad decision.

She used the media to further explain this. In a show called Love Revolution, the main character (a female doctor) was portrayed to have more feelings than the other character (a male anchor man). There was another male character (a government candidate’s assistant) that had more feelings than a female assistant. It just goes to show that there are individual differences when it comes to feelings regardless if you’re a male or female.

Another show she analyzed was Full House (Korean version) where the female character was portrayed to have feelings than the male character when she feels they had the same amount of feelings. In the show, the male character keeps his feelings to himself so he isn’t seen as being different from the male stereotype that society has come to accept. Men aren’t suppose to be emotional, they’re “macho.” We all know that this is stereotypical of the male gender and it’s not true.

For the second part of her report, she talked about the different models: dominance, equity and unity. She believes that often times, there’s an overlap between the dominance and the equity model. She applied it to her relationship and believes she’s never in just one model at a time, but rather a combination of all the models, mostly leaning towards the equity model. Naomi stresses that she does NOT agree with Dr. Laura when she says that it’s the wife’s duty to take care of the husband.

Naomi then explains a situation between her and her boyfriend that took place in Ala Moana. Naomi, her boyfriend and his mother were waiting for his brother to return from shopping so they could go home. He wasn’t happy with waiting and became irritated with Naomi. She explained that it wasn’t her fault but he seemed to ignore what she was saying and continued to act in an irritated manner. After he took a nap, his anger subsided and he was back to his normal self. He did apologize to her for acting that way and claimed that he was tired. Naomi believes her boyfriend is stuck in the dominance model. Her example portrayed how he focuses on himself and his own wants.

(c)

Naomi concludes by expressing that she has learned a great deal form doing this report. She learned much more about her relationship by conducting the mini-experiment where she analyzed her own relationship. She acknowledges that she is in both the dominance and equity model but hopes to progress up to the unity model when she’s prepared to commit to one person is this life as well as in the afterlife. When she feels she’s ready to commit to one person, she will use Dr. Leon’s advice to help her attain eternal marriage.

(d)

I enjoyed reading Naomi’s report because she provided good examples of how her relationship fell into certain models and how she dealt with it. I agree with her when she says that men and women have the same amount of feelings. I feel the same way and know that men live up to a certain standard where being emotional isn’t accepted in society, they’re suppose to be strong, “macho” men.

Heidi Nakamura (generation 22) http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/Nakamura/409b-g22-report2.htm

(b)

Heidi start off her report with explaining that conflicts will usually occur between a couple because when forming a relationship, there are two different interests and strategies at hand. The man’s interest is sexually motivated at first as he continues to enjoy freedom from not being emotionally connected with his mate. The woman on the other hand feels very uncomfortable and wishes she could know his true intentions and understand him. She has come to realize that he has control over her and will continue to dominate her is she continues to allow it. The woman yearns to connect with the man at a deep emotional level. She wants to conjoin with him emotionally and spiritually so that they now need each other to be a whole.

In order for a couple to flip-flop the cycle so that they can eliminate conflict it their relationship, the man must eventually desert the dominance model and take on the unity model. In the process, the woman must be patient and mustn’t let his dominate tactics stray her from the path to unity. Conflict in a relationship indicates that the couple is not functioning at the unity level and usually means the man is reluctant to give up his independent self to conjoin with his wife and form the new conjoint self. Before he submits entirely to the unity model, the couple first tests the equity model where majority of the interaction between the two is equal. This type of interaction between the couple doesn’t satisfy the woman’s hunger for mental intimacy. When the man reaches a point where he’s now ready to abandon his independent self and willing to conjoin with his wife, the couple may now progress to the unity level and enjoy eternal bliss.

For her field experiment, Heidi chose to analyze her own relationship that she’s currently involved in. She says they’re in sync when it comes to sensorimotor activities but doesn’t quite know where they stand when analyzing their affective selves. She believes it will be interesting to point out what aspects of her relationship are unified and which are stuck in the equity model.

On the cognitive level, she believes they are at a unity level when it comes to control because neither of them tries to control the other. There are things that they struggle to completely agree upon and that has to do with housework. Because he was raised a certain way, where females were responsible for the housework, he didn’t feel it was his duty to complete housework. As time passed, he eventually took part in completing housework

Heidi looked over table five and evaluated the dominance, equity and unity model at the sensorimoter level. Looking at who had control over a TV remote, she states that the males was in control and asserted his dominance because he didn’t take her feelings into consideration. The husband is preoccupied with his own wants and disregards what his wife may want to do. He never takes the initiative to ask her what she wants or how she feels.

(c)

Heidi has found that the quickest way to move out of the dominance model if the relationship is to break the cycle early on in the relationship. She says when men try to play games call him on it and let him know that what he’s doing is not going to work. She explains that by refusing to deal with his games, he’s forced to find a different way to resolve problems. A man with male oriented values who finds an intelligent woman with an admirable heart will learn to trust her and want to conjoin mentally because he loves and cares for his wife.

Heidi did a good job of explaining the different models and applying it to her daily life and relationship. I enjoyed reading her field observation that she did on her own relationship because I believe she provided good instances of how her and her boyfriend experienced the different models.

(d)

I believe each individual has their own opinions and for me, one’s opinion doesn’t easily impact or influence my own beliefs and ideas. Reading other people’s reports allows me to understand how they comprehend the different topics that we were introduced to in this class. Heidi has her own beliefs and it’s something that I respect, although I may not necessarily agree with it.

(e) Would it be useful to teach this course to high school students? Explain.

I’m not sure how much high school students would understand regarding the Unity Model of Marriage. For good reasons, I believe they’re still immature to get a thorough grasp on the different concepts taught in this class. The AUV’s would be a good way to introduce them to “values” that will negatively affect couples in a relationship. Becoming accustomed with the AUV’s will help them recognize these “values” that are embedded in many TV shows, lyrics, movies, and soap opera’s and will encourage them to avoid the negative practices. I believe that first teaching them about the AUV’s may help them when they’re attempting to understand the more difficult concepts in the class.

I don’t completely believe high school students are interested in learning about marriage. From my own personal interaction with high school students, it seems they have a “fairy tale” belief of how a marriage is: Living in a mansion, driving a big expensive car and having lots of kids. I don’t think they truly understand that it takes work to keep the marriage healthy and alive. In order for them to grasp the concepts in this class, they must first understand that a marriage will often encounter conflicts and the couple must work together to work through it.

The question I am answering is 4

(a) Consider Section 21 in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#unity-values .
It gives a selection from an article titled "Secrets to a Happy Marriage." Read and discuss the article

(b) Are these good instances of unity values or not? Explain

Section 21 from the lecture notes focuses on an article called “Secrets to a Happy Marriage,” written by Rev. Dr. Trey Kuhne. This article can be found at: http://gdgrifflaw.typepad.com/kansas_family_law_/2006/02/secrets_to_a_ha.html

In this article, Dr. Kuhne provides three different secrets that couples can live by in order to maintain a successful and happy marriage.

Secret #1: Full Disclosure of Moneys - No Hidden Accounts. Here he explains that money may appear to be the root of all evil but it is really the love for money that reveals the root of all evil. Spouses need to be completely open and honest with each other about all their moneys and accounts. Doing so may help the other financially, if for some reason there’s an emergency or tragedy and they need money, but most importantly, this first secret is to help equally empower both people in the relationship.

He gives advice to both the husband and wife: If you have hidden moneys hidden in secret, private accounts, you need to fully come clean with your spouse ASAP!! Bringing out this hidden information creates an environment of equality and sharing of power.

In regards to the unity model, the wife is the one who needs empowerment because she’s been discriminated and abused by male dominant laws. The wife may have a separate account to build her credit and financial status, just so long as the husband is aware of it. There should be no secrecy about her account. In fact, the husband will be allowed to read the statements to assure him that she has nothing to hide.

In the unity model, we know that both spouses should to be able to communicate with each other about anything. Secrecy between the couple in not beneficial to the relationship and will eventually cause problems between the two, especially secrets regarding money. Therefore, I believe this is good advice for a couple to consider when trying to strive for a successful marriage. As best friends, the couple should trust each other fully and avoid keeping secrets from each other.

Secret #2: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills. Here he explains that a cryptographer is a person trained to break codes in the military and interpret what is really being said. Husbands and wives speak totally different language so it’s difficult for the two to communicate efficiently. Being indirect and subtle are efficient ways to communicate and one’s desires and wants may not be fully understood. Couples need to learn to be direct and clear when expressing what their needs.

There was an example of how a man came home from a hard stressful day at work and wanted to unwind. The wife came in and wanted to connect with him about his day. What happens is the both of them collide because of the misunderstanding. He should explain to her that he needs some “me” time. He needs to assure her that it doesn’t mean all night and should give an approximate amount of time like ½ hour or 2 hours. This type of directness and clarity will help a couple avoid communication barriers.

Good communication keeps the couple connected in understanding each other. It empowers both spouses in love and harmony and establishes patterns of understanding that will aide in helping the marriage succeed.

Communication is key to keep a relationship healthy. I believe that the couple must alter their communication styles and develop skills to help them understand what the other is trying to say, they can’t expect each other to be mind readers. If both partners work to acquire this skill, they will maintain a healthy relationship.

Secret #3: Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and private. Husband and wives often complain about their partners when around their friends of families. Kuhne suggests that couples should express how they appreciate their spouse and everything they do. Every time one shares a flaw about their partner, they are slandering an aspect of their relationship and covenant they have with their spouse.

He believes it’s important for couples to praise their spouse in public where others can attest and witnesses the statements that are being made. Praises should also be made in private to give feedback directly to the partner and help strengthen the emotional foundation of the couple.

Praising your spouse about their strengths and abilities will keep your partner in mind throughout the day. You will find that you’re constantly thinking about your spouse and the little things that irritated you will become frivolous and manageable. I agree that praising your spouse is healthy for a relationship if you actually mean what’s being said. If someone says something and doesn’t mean, it may cause distrust and hurt.

(c) Search the Web using Google to find advice that is given to couples. Evaluate the advice given in terms of what you know of the unity model of marriage.

In an article called: 5 Rules for a Happy Marriage- the recipe for happy marriage, they provide a list of tips for a happy marriage. Point 1: Be independent- just because you marry, it doesn’t mean you must embrace everything about your partner. Don’t lose your uniqueness because it’s the same thing that attracted the two of you to each other. Point 2: Never be angry at the same time. Whey you’re angry, you hear nothing else. If at one time or another you’re angry with each other, the best thing to do is walk away and get some space. Point 3: if you have to disagree, do it lovingly. There will be many times where both of you don’t agree, the article suggests to try and avoid sounding critical to your partner because it doesn’t matter who’s right of wrong. An argument doesn’t need a winner and a loser.

Point 4: Never bring up mistakes from the past. When things go wrong, don’t bring up past issues and dwell on it. Leave what’s in the past, in the past. And the last point they provided is point 5: At least once everyday, try to say one thoughtful or complimentary thing to your partner. As couples spend more time together they forget courtesy when communicating amongst each others. Using this tip will keep your relationship fresh.

I believe these tips may indeed help a marriage stay healthy. It basically explains different communication skills that couples should engage in to maintain a successful and healthy marriage. In regards to the unity model of marriage, being independent may be a problem when trying to progress to the unity level. The man must give up his independent self for the new conjoint self. Now the couple will need each other to be a whole.

In another article titled: Financial Infidelity, they asked a series of questions regarding hidden accounts, secret shopping sprees, etc. If you answered “yes” to any of the questions asked, you are considered a financial adulterer. The article suggests that there are a number of things that may cause financial infidelity but a lack of communication may be the biggest reason an individual will resort to financial cheating. Couples who keep secrets about money may also be dealing with unresolved power and control issues. This usually happens when one spouse makes more than the other. Since money is power, the one who makes more money is thought to have more power.

I agree that keeping secrets from each other will negatively affect a relationship. Couples need to be fully open with one another and have trust. They need to acquire good communication skills to speak efficiently with the other and avoid conflict. In the unity model, the couples are best friends and they share mental intimacy with each other. Issues like finances and hidden accounts are things the couple should be able to talk out.

The question I am answering is 7

(a) Consider Section 17a. Gender Discourse With in the Three Models in the Lecture Notes at
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm#17a._Gender_Discourse
Explain in your own words how the conversational style between husband and wife reflects what is going on in the intimacy of their relationship. Make sure you discuss the three models in relation to conversational style.

Conversations can be broken up into two separate segments, sexy of unsexy conversational styles. Do males ever wonder why females go outside their own relationship to find someone, like their girlfriends, who will actively listen to them, shop with them and talk with them. Females tend to do this because males often engage in unsexy conversations. Unsexy conversations occur when a male is interrupting his wife while she is speaking, acting like he is not interested in what’s being said, acting annoyed when she says what she wants. This king of interaction between a couple will injure or even kill the wife’s sexual feelings for him. The type of interaction he engages in at the verbal level is indicative of the level he is interacting with his spouse at the mental level.

The majority of men who engage in unsexy conversations are stuck in the dominance model where they feel it’s okay to control their mates. The males believe it’s more important that he control his wife so that he can have sex with her whenever he desires. He’s become accustomed to getting his ways and expects her to listen and be obedient. He is full of himself and feels he’s entitled to the attention from her.

The man disregards his wife’s feelings of emptiness and doesn’t care that he engages in unsexy conversations. He’s preoccupied with changing the focus of the conversation by incessantly interrupting his wife or girlfriend to get her to stop rambling on about what he feels is unnecessary for him to know. By the man constantly interrupting, he shows that he in not focused on his spouse but is mainly focused on himself and his own wants. His wife finds this unsexy, irritating, and becomes frustrated to know that the man who calls himself a devoted husband refuses to engage in a simple conversation but is more than willing to enjoy sexual acts with her.

The wife needs the husband to give her the feeling that he is interested in listening to her topics. He has to portray this by showing her that he wants to hear what she has to say. He must learn to give up the focus on himself and make himself want to give her the feeling that he wants to hear what she wants to say. Now when he’s learned this and applied it in his everday life, he will be engaging in sexy conversations.

Sexy conversations consist of the husband being reactive when the woman speaks. He must act like he’s hot rather than cold. To act hot is showing emotional reaction and affectivity. The man must allow himself to be activated by the woman’s spirit by showing eye contact, using non-verbal cues, and mimicking her body language. If she acts surprised, he acts surprised, if she frowns, he frowns. This type of interaction gives her the feeling that her relationship is in a good healthy place and immerses her with inner peace, something she needs to survive as a woman.

(b) Create a conversation between them that exhibits several elements mentioned throughout Section 17a regarding the conversational style of married partners. Number the lines. Add whatever explanatory notes are needed for readers to understand what's going on. (Note: you are allowed to use borrowed parts of an actual conversation you heard or read somewhere -- but you need to edit and adapt it so it fits with this answer.)

Mike Michelle

This conversation took place at the home of Mike and Michelle on a Friday night after a long day of work. Since they spend most of their time apart, Mike was looking forward to spending the night with Michelle. Things didn’t go as he planned and the following conversation transpired….

1. Michelle: Hey hun…here’s your dinner….how was your day?

2. Mike: It went fine….Dang babe!! You look hot…Where you off to?

3. Michelle: I’m going with the girls to Mai Tai’s!!! What about you?

4. Mike: You’re going where? What!? Why!?

5. Michelle: Just to hang with the girls.

6. Mike: Don’t you wanna stay here and hang with me?

7. Michelle: But I already planned it….you and I can hang out tomorrow.

8. Mike: Oh really…..Okay…I see how it is…

9. Michelle: What do you mean?

10. Mike: Forget it….since you’re going out….I’ll be at the dorms with my boys!!! After a few drinks, we’ll probably head over to Mai Tai’s….I better not see you

there!!!

11. Michelle: Why? I planned to go first…I’m going whether you like it or not!!!

12. Mike: No you fricken won’t!!! If I see you there….just wait and see…

13. Michelle: Why you always threatening me with that….do you even care how it makes me feel?

14. Mike: Nope….not really!!! If you’d just listen to me….we wouldn’t have a problem

15. Michelle: Why can’t you ever listen to me and my wants?

16. Mike: It don’t work that way honey….I’m going now…I know I won’t see you at Mai Tai’s so…I’ll see you when I get home.

17. Michelle: But babe….

The door slammed and Mike was on his way to the dorms. By reading this conversation, it’s evident that Mike engages is unsexy conversations with his girlfriend. He displays all the characteristics that define an unsexy conversation and focuses on himself rather than his girlfriend.

(c) Analyze the conversation, explaining to readers what its elements exhibit. Use the line numbers to be specific.

It’s pretty obvious that the conversation displays a disjunctive, unsexy conversational style. Mike believes Michelle should listen to what he says regardless of how she feels. In line 13 Michelle asks Mike if she ever cares how it makes her feel and he replies no…not really. This is form of interaction leaves Michelle feeling cold and lonely because Mike is asserting his dominance which delays the progression of unity and mental intimacy. He must learn to stop focusing the conversation on himself and be more considerate of Michelle’s feelings.

In line 8 when Mike says “oh really…okay…I see how it is” I find this to be a form of blackmail because he later states that because she’s planning to go out with her friends, he’s now going out, when he initially planned to stay home. Mike believes it’s okay for him to control his girlfriend as if she’s his property. He disregards her requests and doesn’t feel he must listen to her. Mike’s unsexy conversational style will cause a rift between the couple and cause more conflict for the two of them. He needs to learn to engage in sexy conversations to aide in his girlfriend’s desire for mental intimacy.

Although majority of the conversation is unsexy, in line 6 when Mike asks Michelle is she wants to stay home and hang with him, I believe it portrayed that he really does care for her. He became upset at the fact that she rejected his request to spend time together which in turn hurt his ego. To make her feel bad, he threatens her and demands that she stays put in the house. He fails to recognize that the event was planned before he asked Michelle. Mike is obviously stuck in the dominance model and isn’t afraid to assert it when he feels like it. In order for him and his girlfriend to conjoin as one, he must first abandon the dominance model and progress to the equity model.

In line 1, Michelle asks Mike how his day was because she desires to connect with him on an emotional level. She feels empty not knowing how Mike really feels and hopes he can one day express his feelings to her. She yearns to be mentally intimate with him in order to fulfill her needs as a woman. Michelle is confused as to why Mike is becoming so upset with her. In line 13, she asks him if he cares how it makes her feel. According to the unity model of marriage, Michelle shouldn’t have to ask Mike this question, he should know how she feels, her emotions and motivations. He must be willing to abandon his independent self and conjoin with Michelle to form the new conjoint self.

Not only is Mike engaging in dominant behavior, his actions confirm that he also believes things should be equal between the two of them. In line 10 he’s saying that since she’s going out with the girls, he’s going to go meet his boys. Here he’s in the equity model. If she does something, he’s entitled to do something as well. He disregards Michelle’s feelings and because of this, she’s lonely and doesn’t have anyone to talk to. She desires to be mentally intimate with him and is willing to wait for him to attain this goal. Following this, she hopes to move to the unity model with him and enjoy eternal bliss as one.

The question I am answering is 8

(a) In your own words, describe the unity model of marriage and the mental states of the couple's threefold self.

The unity model of marriage goes beyond “till death do us part” and continues on into the afterlife. This model focuses on three different selves, which are the sensorimotor, cognitive, and the affective self. When a couple’s three-fold selves are unified at all three levels (dominance, equity, unity), they create a conjoint self, which means they now need each other to be a whole.

The sensorimotor level consists of sensations, perceptions, and motor acts the partners perform in their relationship. It usually includes activities the couple enjoys doing together such as eating, running, embracing each other, holding hands, laughing, etc. These external, physical characteristics are visible to other people. At the sensorimotor level, couples are usually stuck in the dominance model where the husband controls the relationship and focuses on pleasing himself. The wife on the other hand is inspired to work on the relationship and getter to a deeper, intimate level in order to feel completely fulfilled.

The cognitive level includes the thinking and reasoning the couple does in their relationship. The wife strives to understand what the husband is feeling and thinking and learn everything she can about him. She’s motivated to live in a harmonious environment where she can please him and together they can work to be conjoined as one. The husband is still focused on himself and his ideas and feels special to know that the woman wants to know about him. She believes that by knowing more about him will prepare her for their union together.

The affective level involves the motivation and feelings of the couple in the relationship. It is at this level where the husband’s feelings are aligned with the wife’s feelings. He must surrender his male prerogatives that he attained from society in order for the two to conjoin and become one at this level. Now this doesn’t mean that he has to give up his own independent feelings and depend on her for his feelings, he must show that he is devoted to her and loves her unconditionally.

In the unity model of marriage, the couple’s three-fold selves are conjoined at the different levels. The husband has come to realize that unity is based on reciprocity and differentiation of traits. This becomes a lifestyle where nothing is negotiated. The husband recognizes that this is something his wife has been striving for and will stand by her to attain eternal marriage. He must prevent himself from disagreeing with her demands, requests, pleadings, urgings, or expectations, which are ways a wife shows her affection for him. By the husband being subordinate of his affections to hers, they create a unity and are now of one spirit and one mind for all eternity.

(b) Describe any difficulty or resistance you have experienced regarding the unity model, including

(i) the idea of a unity couple as a higher state of life than all others
(ii) the eternal significance of marriage
(iii) Swedenborg's observations of marriages in heaven.

The unity model of marriage has certain specific steps a couple must take in order to enjoy an eternal life together. I too believe couples can attain this joy if they live their lives accordingly. Individuals in my family also believe this to be true, so I was curious to know what they thought of the Unity Model of Marriage and some of the concepts we were introduced to. I asked a brother of mine what he thought of the unity model of marriage (after I explained to him the different concepts) and he said: It’s similar to what we believe as LDS members. We are blessed with the opportunity to live as a FAMILY for time and all eternity if we do as the lord asks. We must be worthy to enter the temple, so we must follow his words of wisdom in order to receive that wonderful blessing. Just like how the couple’s in the Unity Model of Marriage must acquire certain skills and abandon their independent self, LDS members must work just as hard to enjoy eternal marriage.

While reading Swedenborg’s observations of marriage in heaven, I found it fascinating that he was able to converse with the spirit world and note all the interaction that took place between the couples in heaven. He’s truly blessed with a gift. To get the perspective of a non-LDS member, I talked to my friend about the Unity Model of Marriage and read him some sections from Swedenborg’s journals. He thought about it for a while and said: You gotta be joking me. You think I seriously believe that there’s a man who can speak and observe spirits in heaven. That’s just crazy if you ask me!!! So I asked him if he believes in eternal marriage and he replied: you mean, still being married after our life on this earth…No, a marriage will end when one person dies. I expected him to answer this way. He’s not a very religious man so he has no faith. He believes everything HE can see for himself.

I know I said previously that I do believe a couple can enjoy eternal marriage, but the interaction between the couple in the unity model of marriage seems so one-sided to me. It seems as if the husband is working extremely hard and when a makes a mistake, it’s interpreted as something different from the wife’s same actions. I believe that when both individuals in the relationship make the same mistake, both incidents should be interpreted the same way. We can’t be lenient on the wife and harsh on the husband. Other than that, both couples should work equally as hard to enjoy eternal bliss.

(c) Describe the reactions of friends when you tell them about the unity model and the idea of marriages in heaven as given in the Swedenborg reports.

Like I mentioned before, there are those who share the same belief as me and believe in eternal marriage, and there are those who rejected to try and understand the unity model of marriage. I chose to further discuss the unity model with the rest of my family and majority of them believe that as couple, as well as their family is qualified to experience eternity together as long as they live their life according to the word of God. They must live on the straight and narrow path and avoid temptation.

I spoke with another friend and she also had a difficult time believing in the Unity Model of marriage. She can’t fathom how someone can speak to spirits in heaven and said she doesn’t think people can remain married in the afterlife. She even questioned if there is such a thing as an afterlife. I thought everything ends when we die here on earth? That’s just how I feel.

I’ve learned a great deal of how others think regarding the unity model of marriage and life after death. I know everyone has their own opinions and I respect that. I try not to impose my beliefs on anyone else so the discussions I had with my friends were very laid back.

(d) How has the unity model influenced your thinking? What benefit do you think do class members acquire when studying the unity model in this course? Do you have suggestions on how to teach the unity model to couples, and at what age?

Taking this class has helped me understand how relationships should go. Women shouldn’t have to deal with the mental and physical abuse that men assert when they’re stuck in the dominance model. I’m intolerant of that type of behavior and will not deal with it. I believe men feel the need to control their mate as a defense mechanism for their insecurities. I now know that men should be more accommodating to their wives as well as the wives reciprocating that behavior to their husband.

This class as a whole will take something important with them and I believe it will be beneficial in their relationships. It has helped he analyze relationships I’ve been in and point out all the AUV’s that negatively affected my relationships. I often enjoy being around my same sex friends and prefer not to have the “BF” around us. It’s just something I’ve always practiced and this seemed to be the focus of all our arguments. I always thought he’d get over it, and I believe we both did because we’re no longer together. Since I was introduced to the AUV’s, I spend a great amount of time observing these “values” in relationships, TV shows, and lyrics. I’m just glad I’m more aware of these negative values.

The question I am answering is 10

(a) Explore the Web and the library for explanatory models of mate selection. How is this process supposed to occur? Why are people attracted to each other to become a couple?

The process of mate selection has resulted in a broad generalization that women are more concerned with males who have control over social and economic resources and his readiness to share them with her. Men on the other hand are visual creatures so they’re more concerned with physical attraction. Female’s strategy is to look for males with resources who will invest their time and money in her and her family. Female mate choice should include signs of control over resources, dominance, and diligence. Males seek reproductively capable females who are able to pass on the genetic makeup of the male. Females are assessed by their physical features such as clear, smooth skin, full lips, and clear eyes. Males prefer females who are physically attractive.

Evolutionary psychologists believe that people look for different characteristics depending on their sex and whether the relationship is long-term or short-term. Women can only have a certain amount of children in their lifetime while men have no restrictions of their reproduction success. Due to this, females seek males who have resources and will support their parental efforts. Males on the other hand are concerned with copying their own genes. They can either do this by impregnating as many women as possible and not sticking around to help raise them or they can raise a family with one partner. We see that the different genders prefer mates with different characteristics and features.

Another article I came across attempted to prove whether like attracts like or if opposites attract. They did this by conducting a survey with males and females as subjects and asked questions regarding the importance of 10 attributes in a long-term partner. They found that people are attracted to others who they share the same characteristics and interest as they do. If they’re attractive, most likely, they too are attracted to others who are attractive. These findings can’t be generalized to everyone. I believe everyone has their own preferences.

(b) Describe the current practices in mate selection that you are aware of. Use what you already know from your life observations as well as what you can observe on the Web or other online type activities that are popular.

There are many different ways couples are able to meet each other and select potential mates. The most popular way I know is just meeting people. This can happen by simply going to the mall, or to the beach. Most of these occurrences take place at bars or clubs because that’s when people feel the most laid back and care free. They’re not preoccupied with the fact that there may be rejection.

Another way to meet new people or to select a mate is through on-line dating services. I know of one site called E-Harmony.com where people can fill out information about themselves for others to see. I also believe you can add pictures so others get a glimpse of your. Another popular website is Myspace.com. Here people are able to reserve an entire page for themselves where they can upload pictures, add fancy backgrounds, and write a little about themselves and meet potential mates.

If one doesn’t feel comfortable soliciting information about themselves on the internet, another option would be meeting people through e-mails. This way is a little more private because it’s just between you and another person. People find that it’s a great way to communicate and keep in touch, especially if it’s long distance.

(c) Can you think of improvements in these practices? What would be your ideal community in which mate selection is practiced at its best?

The only improvement that I can think of will have to be within the person themselves. I believe people have to be cautious when selecting a mate. Many people marry because the partner is rich or because he/she is attractive, in other words, for the wrong reasons. Due to that, there is a high divorce rate here in the U.S. and majority of it has to do with finances. If people choose their mates wisely, they may be able to avoid being a statistic.

My Report on the Current Generation

Mike Malala http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/malala/malala-409b-g25-report1.htm

Mike started his report by listing the AUV’s and describing them in relation the unity model of marriage. He then summarizes the different findings from Carly Kanemaru, Skip Saito, Lauren Buchner, Adriel Stipek, and Cynthia Adams.

To portray the anti-unity values in the media, Mike chose to analyze Flavor of Love 2 and Hogan Know best. Flavor of Love is basically a show where Flavor FLav, a rapper from Public Enemy is trying to find love. After episode one, Flavor Flav got his heart broken after the woman he chose wanted to be just friends. He has 20 new girls who are living in the same house with him. He engages in sexual acts with most of them and every week is eliminating one or two girls. Mike was able to point out different AUV’s such as living together unmarried, or promiscuity, which are both disjunctive interactions.

In the show Hogan Knows best, Mike was able to point out conjunctive behavior between Hulk Hogan and his wife Linda. There was a scene where Linda was stressed out from their kids as well as the construction going on in the house. Hulk could sense that Linda was stressed out and suggested she go relax and have a bubble bath to wind down. Linda didn’t have to ask him for it, he was able to understand how she was feeling and allow her to wind down

For disjunctive vs. conjunctive verbal interactions, Mike chose to analyze a scene from “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Mike found that this dialogue exposed how most men think. Men think that when they do something wrong, they can just say “I’m sorry.” Mike believes that women should explain what they really want from their men.

Mike interviewed two of his friends, Tyson and Julia. Tyson believes that the show Flavor of Love is funny and that it does promote woman are sex objects. He also agreed with Mike and said that Hogan Knows Best wasn’t as bad as Flavor of Love. Julia also agrees with Mike and Tyson and finds Flavor of Love degrading, while she found that Hogan Know Best portrays how he loves his wife when he swallows his pride and does something that his wife really wants. Michael, Tyson, and Julia have the same reactions and opinions about the television shows.

Dana Hasegawa http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/hasegawa/hasegawa-409b-g25-report1.htm

Dana begins her report by explaining that anti-unity values actually work to separate and cause discord between the couple. She next explained some experiences of her own working in a child psychiatry office. Many of the parents would argue, but instead of working their problems out, they would agree to disagree to avoid a big argument in front of other people. The parents probably do have bigger arguments, but they just prefer to keep the peace in the public eye.

I can agree with her when she says that may couples agree to disagree when they’re in public. I personally wouldn’t want to be a show for anyone and allow them to watch me argue. I would cut the argument there, but when we get somewhere that we can talk, the argument would continue, as long as we’re in private.

Dana talks about how she wouldn’t really express her feelings in order to avoid arguing with her boyfri