Psychology 409b December 5, 2006

How to Make Your Talk More Sexy

By:  Angela Murray

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor:  Dr. Leon James

 

Leon James (2006).  Lecture Notes on Unity Model of Marriage for G25.  Reviewing Section17a.  Online at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/409b-g25-lecture-notes.htm

 

 

 

I.  Sexy vs. Unsexy Conversational Style

            A.  Women will affiliate more with women when their husbands arenŐt acting like a friend

            B.  Verbal interaction is directly related to mental intimacy level

            C.  Sexy conversational style has to do more with what conversation is focused on

                        1) If it is always focused on himself, unsexy

                        2) Constant interrupting is unsexy

                        3) Showing disinterest in her is unsexy

                        4) Persisting on changing the conversational focus is unsexy

            D.  Women want to be heard and not always fixed

            E.  Emotional intimacy with a man can be much more sexy than with a friend

            F.  ItŐs important to pay attention and show enthusiasm when she speaks

 

II.  Spiritual Dynamics between Husband and Wife

            A.  Husband must learn her sense of humor, like he loves her beauty and style

            B.  Men sometimes will disagree and refuse to be changed or altered

            C.  Unity couple makes a single conjoint self

            D.  Husband becomes agreeable to the wife

            E.  Husband loves what she thinks so he does what he loves

            F.  Woman has her own heaven and he joins into her heaven

            G.  When a womanŐs feelings are dismissed, her heart becomes hardened and cold and hurt

            H.  Husband must avoid sexual blackmail

            I.  Men donŐt realize when they are abusing their wives sometimes

 

III.  Conversational Rules for Husbands

            A.  Be reactive and friendly--pretend you are on a permanent date with her

            B.  Deny himself the right to express disagreement with her

                        1) If she asks him to change, he must change

            C.  Create a conversational atmosphere where she is free to express herself

            D.  Use conversation as a method of enhancing her mood, stimulating her heart and her mind

                        1) Conversation expresses how we think

                        2) A wise man values what his wife says to him

 

IV.  Characteristics of HusbandŐs ThreefoldSelf During Discourse

            A.  Woman should always be able to fully express herself, if she cannot she is in the dominance model

            B.  By not listening to her he is thinks she is less intelligent, or he doesnŐt care about her views

            C.  If he is only trying to defend his view, then he thinks his views should rule her mind, because his views are fair and rational and hers are feminine and      biased

            D.  Husband should talk to his wife with kindness, openness, attention and care

           

V.  Monitoring Disjunctive vs. Conjunctive Discourse

            A.  Disjunctive:  Negation, Denial, Refusal

                        1) Disagreement and Discord are what cause this disjunction

                        2) In Unity, husband tries hard to not disagree

            B.  Disjunctive:  Disloyalty, Secrecy, Lies

                        1) Talking to children, strangers or friends about wife without her knowledge

                        2) Talking to anyone else about problems other than your spouse

                        3) Embarrassing her in public, bringing private things into public

            C.  Conjunctive:  Honesty, Integrity, Open-ness           

                        1) To be conjunctive, the man must never tells lies about her or defame her, and he is open about what he tells the kids

                        2) Women understand things about the relationship that men do not

                        3) The man must trust his wifeŐs thinking and judgment

            D.  Disjunctive:  Abusiveness, Swearing, Yelling

                        1) Derogatory names used when in bad mood

                        2) Raising the voice in a harsh tone

                        3) The use of silence as a passive aggressive way to exert control over the wife

            E.  Disjunctive:  After Disturbing the Wife, Not making up adequately enough

                        1) He expects her to forget after a while

                        2) Sorry is all he says instead of changing the behavior

                        3) He tries to justify himself rather than admit he was wrong

            F.  Conjunctive

                        1) Attempting to repair the damage and make up for hurting her

                        2) He learns to apologize in better ways

                        3) Man realizes he can be even more masculine by putting his wife at the head of everything in his universe

 

Related Links: 

 

1)      A good story about intimacy and what women need in marriage

 

This story starts off with a husband who is getting home from work to a wife who is at home watching his children.  She had had a long day full of many problems with the kids and when he got home, she didnŐt want to make love.  She needed to vent.  She was tired and upset.  Then, instead of yelling at her or treating her horribly, he told her to sit down and relax while he did the dishes for her.  He took the kids out to play basketball and she was able to have a break.  By the time he as ready for bed, his wife was ready for a little night action. I used this article because it represents what women would like out of their husbands.  When we have been stressed, we need our men to help us out and take charge.  Let us sit for a while.

http://www.marriageintimacy.com/intimacy-men-need.htm

 

2)      What is Real Intimacy?

 

This website explains that many people are searching for intimacy but they are only searching on the physical level.  True intimacy involves five different parts:  mental, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual. The easiest one to get is the physical.  So many relationships are suffering because they believe they can be fulfilled by this physical (sensorimotor) intimacy.  They are wrong and they are suffering in their relationships for it. This article offers couples a chance to understand how to get that intimacy that they truly crave.  It explains that we need more than emotions. We need a life partner.

 

http://www.everystudent.com/features/search.html

 

3)      Is emotional abuse just as bad as physical abuse?

 

In this article, it talks about how emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical if not worse. What makes emotional abuse more harmful is that it is harder to detect.  Many women are used to being mistreated and may have thought this behavior was okay.  It gives the common warning signs for if you are being emotionally abused. A couple of the questions it asks are:  ŇDoes your partner isolate you from others?Ó or ŇDoes he/she limit your access to monetary funds?Ó There are many other questions but basically it is a how-to guide for detecting an abuser.

 

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

 

 

My homepage: 

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-home.htm

 

Class Home Page:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm