Psychology 409b  September 30, 2007

Different Marital Types

By:  Angela Murray

 

 

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor:  Dr. Leon James

 

Joshua Coleman (2005).  The Lazy Husband.  (New York, N.Y.:  St. MartinŐs Press).  Reviewing pages 72-99.

 

 

I.               Three different belief systems explained in more detail.

a.     The Traditional Marriage

                                               i.     Both believe woman to be the authority and caretaker of house and children

                                             ii.     Man should be soul bread winner

                                            iii.     If husband does something, he is helping the wife

                                            iv.     Man not involved as parent, possibly

                                             v.     Woman should prioritize children over career

                                            vi.     Father is no substitute for mother

b.     Transitional Marriage

                                               i.     Both believe woman has right to career

                                             ii.     She should still prioritize children over career-misses work for DoctorŐs Appointments, etc.

                                            iii.     Man wishes to be involved father, better than his own father

                                            iv.     Woman is still authority regarding parenting

                                             v.     Still see man doing housework as helping his wife

                                            vi.     Father is still no substitute for Mother

c.     Egalitarian Marriage

                                               i.     Both believe woman has right to career

                                             ii.     Woman can and will provide income, is also allowed to stay home

                                            iii.     Neither partner is better at taking care of children and equal sacrifices are made

                                            iv.     DadŐs contributions are no less important than momŐs

                                             v.     Equally responsible in making doctorŐs appointments, missing work, household chores, etc.

 

II.             Traditional Couple in Detail

a.     Lynn and Robert

                                               i.     Husband is sole breadwinner and decides how money is spent

                                             ii.     He fixes things, makes sure cars are taken care of, spends some time with children

                                            iii.     He lets her decide with most of parental choices

                                            iv.     Rhona Mahony - specialized roles are better than unclear ones-basically reverting back to Dominance Model-less room for misinterpretation in clear cut roles

                                             v.     So basically, women who want to change up the roles are really harming themselves and confusing their husbands

                                            vi.     Maybe thatŐs why traditional couples have fewer fights, it couldnŐt be that the women have just given up on fighting for more equality

                                          vii.     One way women in Dominance Model get men to do something is by pretending to not be able to do something, or to become ill

                                         viii.     Traditional women donŐt have as much resentment, it is actually these other women who are expecting more from their husbands because in a dominance model a woman knows her place!

                                            ix.     Bad sides-women have less bargaining power and often defer to husbandŐs authority

                                             x.     These women can also deceive themselves into thinking men are more accepting, their husbands are incompetent, or that it just isnŐt as important to the men

 

III.           Transitional Couple in Detail

a.     Jolene and Ivan

                                               i.     Harder to put ideals in practice because the couple is somewhere in the middle rather than on one of the opposite ends

                                             ii.     He states she feels guilty about giving up her child, but maybe it is the man who is making her feel guilty about this

                                            iii.     Man says she should have her own time, but doesnŐt want to give up his time to provide for it, somewhat selfish

                                            iv.     Jolene didnŐt like the way he picked up the baby, why?  How would he do it?  Was he being dangerous with the head?  The author doesnŐt explain this

                                             v.     She gave ideas because she knew what the baby liked and probably knew how to keep the baby comfortable

                                            vi.     They fought often because he was basically making her do everything, even though he said he would do more before the baby came

                                          vii.     Jay Belski – talks about how during each of parents fights, they will find out they have 2 sets of values, two sets of beliefs, and feel more like you and me and less like ŇusÓ

b.     How to change

                                               i.     State expectations clearly- draw up a list of what she is doing and ask for him to do two of those, (hardly much of a change)

                                             ii.     Make Trades-she says please do 3 things and I will do one, problem is, it shouldnŐt be a trade if she already does everything

                                            iii.     He states a woman is probably having an internal conflict which is confusing the man- but her internal conflict is that he does it wrong and she canŐt stand that he doesnŐt  care to do it better

 

IV.          Egalitarian Couple in Detail

a.     Louise and Ned

                                               i.     These are often well educated and easy going men that take pride in their wives careers, women in this marriage are assertive and ambitious

                                             ii.     Ned is considered Egalitarian, but I see differently when the child comes.  He had reverted to the dominance model when their daughter came.

                                            iii.     He plays guitar and computer games instead of doing household chores and Louise was resentful

                                            iv.     I donŐt see how this group is any different from the others,

                                             v.     Linda Haas says problems come from where to divide chores-males doing man chores and females doing woman chores

                                            vi.     Still have disagreements about standards-there are conflicts about jobs and family responsibility

b.     How to cope?  Wives must lower their standards and husbands must raise theirs

 

V.            Traditional and Transitional Conflict

a.     Evelyn and Dave

                                               i.     Dave refuses to do anything except go to his job

                                             ii.     Evelyn had to do both male and female chores, including mowing the lawn (interesting way for author to make women feel better about their own situations-show women what it could be like so women feel happy with what they do actually get)

                                            iii.     Evelyn decided she wanted a job because basically I bet she was planning to get money for a divorce

                                            iv.     This threatens DaveŐs identity and how he defines himself-as a jerk, I would say

                                             v.     Author suggests that she get a job on a trial basis, she apparently is dealing with a very disrespectful man

b.     Other options

                                               i.     Sharing Showdown-she removes something she does from list to get his attention – start with his laundry

                                             ii.     She should take an assertiveness training Class or Psychotherapy, Marriage Therapy

                                            iii.     It may be her fault he behaves this way because she was confusing in the beginning- she should appreciate him more

 

VI.          This Authors Ideals on How to make Marriage Better

a.     Over Appreciate- the more you thank him, the more he will do, but in the end that is still on the side of a man doing anything in the house is considered helping and not his duty as a husband

b.     ŇYou donŐt have to cave in on things that matter most to you,Ó hidden meaning is that you will probably end up caving in on everything else

c.     Men being more involved makes both males and females happier about their marriages

d.     This author still puts all the control and blame on the woman so when things are wrong in the marriage it is always her job to fix it, even if she is delegating to he husband, this can be seen in both Dr. LauraŐs writings and Dr. ColemanŐs writings

 

 

Related Links:

 

1) Common Guidelines within Christian Marriages for Reducing Conflict

 

This website examines Conflict Resolution from a Biblical Perspective.  It looks at specific Bible verses that are written about how to solve conflicts and it also gives 3 main suggestions for dealing with conflict effectively.  The ŇThree TsÓ of conflict resolution according to this author are Timing, Trust and Transparency.  Timing involves knowing when the best time is for discussing an argument.  It is always best to come together when both parties are calm and ready to deal with the conflict effectively.  Trust will affect how open partners are with each other.  ItŐs important to have trust that the other partner generally cares about you.  Transparency involves being completely open about any feelings of hurt, resentment, or frustration.  With these three strategies, the author begins looking at possible ways to manage conflict.

 

http://conflict911.com/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=11362

 

2) Five Keys to Resolving Marital Conflict from a Biblical Perspective

 

Don and Sally Meredith give five conflict management tools that will help married couples resolve conflict Biblically.  They start by having each person decide whether they deal with conflict directly or whether they wait and let the problem sit before dealing with the conflict.  The five strategies involve coming to each other with kindness and concern, establishing mutual vulnerability and transparency, becoming effective listeners, speaking the truth in love, and being willing to forgive.  The authors specifically point out that a willingness to forgive is the biggest factor in successful conflict management.  However, all are important in order to be able to continue lovingly in marriage.

 

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1202713.html

 

3) Discovering Egalitarian Marriages and their Difficulties

 

This author looks at Egalitarian Marriages and seeks to find the difficulties within these marriages.  He suggests conflict areas that result from co-parenting, decision-making, careers, control, intimacy, money and household tasks.  The author also suggests that they have trouble even finding marriages that are successfully in the Egalitarian Model.  Many of these marriages are most likely transitional marriages moving towards Egalitarian marriages rather than completely Egalitarian.  Then the author goes on to say that Christian marriages have many of the same ideals that are found in Egalitarian models.  Some examples include equal parenting.  In the Bible, fathers have an important role in guiding their children into adulthood.  It is in no way completely contingent on the woman.  Also, in the Bible the marriage bed is a place for mutuality.  Husbands should satisfy the wife and wives should satisfy the husband.  It seems to me that not all Christian marriages fall under the dominance role.

 

http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/98aaf16.html

 

 

My Home Page:

 

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-home.htm

 

 

Class Homepage:

 

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm