Psychology 409b September 30, 2006

How Childhood and Personality Factors into Marriage

By: Angela Murray

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Joshua Coleman (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. MartinÕs Press). Reviewing pages 100-124.

I. The Entitled and Unentitled

a. Women are socialized to be more empathetic and understanding

b. Women more likely to give in, get walked on and get ignored

c. Men socialized to be self interested

d. Men generally need to work on being more sensitive

e. Women should change their communication

f. Partners need to believe that the other partner wants to treat them well

g. Sometimes women either need to be more kind or more assertive

II. What if you grew up with critical parents?

a. Penny had parents who shamed and belittled her growing up

i. She tries to fend off judgments on her

ii. She tries to please others and often feels intimidated

iii. Author says PennyÕs enslavement to fear of freedom restricts her freedom with her husband and inlaws

iv. Author also suggests some things she needs to say to herself in order to give herself this freedom, including learning it is not always better to give than to receive

b. Veronica doesnÕt know when to ask about her needs

i. Her parents needed a lot of caretaking while she was growing up

ii. She is often taken advantage of by the men in her house

iii. Her sons and husband do not believe in giving more than receiving, and why is this acceptable? How can this woman feel trust and happiness in an environment where more is taken, than given?

iv. The author offers some questions and exercises for each type of woman to do in order to become more entitled to their opinions

v. Some exercises include writing a list of changes in herself required and changes within her marriage she requires then make a commitment to work on at least 1 or 2

c. Other people have grown up in abusive homes, and it is important for these people to change their state of mind

d. Author also wishes to say that Laziness is a matter of perspective stating that the woman either lets the man off the hook too easily or her expectations are unfair. In both instances, the fault is clearly on the woman and she is the one who needs to change

III. Differing personalities: Each person needs to first understand their own past and then be able to understand their partnerÕs past

a. Boy-Husband-the man who never seems to grow up

i. Bob is a man who looses jobs due to tardiness or poor work performance

ii. Lana is responsible and has a good income, but liked BobÕs sense of humor and his artistic side

iii. BobÕs excuse is that his parents were depressed and ineffective and he didnÕt have a structured environment

iv. Lana found out after marriage she had to wake him up so he wouldnÕt be late, he spent most of his paychecks on CDs and eating out

v. Lana decided to take over the bills

vi. Baby came and Bob still wasnÕt growing up

vii. Author suggests

1. Try to feel less responsible for him, it is you (Lana) who needs to change your feelings of over responsibility

2. Allow natural consequences to occur in partnerÕs life

3. What he neglects to establish is how negative consequences on one partner directly effect the other partner

4. Use non-judgmental language (even though what he is doing is terrible) but she should have known before that Bob had a hard time with responsibility

5. He then asks if the woman maybe likes her partnerÕs dependency which is absurd, a woman deals with it in order to survive, there is no part of her that likes having another child as a husband

viii. Other men become dependent for many different reasons, parents being over protective, people being threatened by his independence, etc.

ix. Loving confrontation is important, but donÕt make excuses for his behavior

x. Having a knowledge that change takes time is also important

xi. Having a man that does a little more can make you happy for a while, but not for long

b. Worried Wife-she does not trust anyone to do the things that she does or she doesnÕt believe these things will be done well

i. Liya would not get a babysitter for a date night with the husband

ii. Liya and her husband were instructed to leave the child with a babysitter for one while they went to a nearby coffee shop

iii. Worriers can often get tuned out by their husbands

iv. Questions worriers must ask—

1. Is it rational?

2. Are you accused that you worry too much by friends?

3. Does it have to do with your past?

v. Author suggests that worrier push back some of their worries and experiment with new behaviors

vi. Best treatment for anxiety is to move towards it in gradual steps

Related Links:

1) How our Personalities can Affect our Relationships

This website explains how often in love relationships, we seek our opposites. It seems we do this in order to find a person who compliments our weaknesses. However, with two people who are not alike, there is a greater opportunity for conflict. People may look for people with different world-views, but they also look for people who are similar with their goals in life. This website also gives examples of the many different personality types and offers and explanation on each. Some of the personality types differ from those that the author used.

http://www.personalitypage.com/relationships.html

2) The possibility that both Males and Females are ÒGrowing upÓ at different rates

In the previous years, each person had defined roles and duties in becoming a man or becoming a woman. Men were expected to go to School, get a job, get married and have children all in this order. Females were to move from financial dependence on men to financial dependence on their husbands. However, times have changed and now roles are changing too. It is rare to see anyone follow these roles specifically and there are some who defy the roles altogether. This author suggests that it is the changing roles that have influenced how people choose to grow up. She also suggests that men who are in their 30s and are still living at home are not necessarily childish, but rather they are selfish. The change in roles has affected how we perceive individuals.

http://www.pobronson.com/blog/2006/03/are-young-adults-today-failing-to-grow.html

3) How men and women are Socialized differently

After having changed many psychotherapy tactics to include women, some psychologists are also researching new tactics for men. Some problems psychologists find in trying to help men are social barriers. Women by far are more likely to get therapy than men. Some men also have problems identifying emotional problems. It is possible to ask men how they feel about a subject and they may reply with what they are thinking rather than feeling. This Psychologist gives ideas for how other Psychologists should work with men. Many of the ideas include developing a relationship with the man, listening for a while before trying to offer advice, and being careful in language.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun05/hooked.html

My Homepage:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-home.htm

My Class Homepage:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm