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Psychology 409b October 9, 2006

How Men Can Work to Make Their Wives Happy

By: Angela Murray

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Joshua Coleman (2005). The Lazy Husband. (New York, N.Y.: St. Martin’s Press). Reviewing pages 182-191.

I. How housework can directly affect Sex

a. Women are more interested in Sex when they have a husband who helps out around the house

b. Sex makes men feel important

c. For women, sex is less important

d. Women want caring, affection, communication, and a man who is interested in the kids and house

e. Women see housework as directly affecting sex life

II. Why is it so important?

a. Women can get sex from anyone, anywhere, anytime

b. Women don’t have a scarcity of sexual men, we have a scarcity of men who are willing to do household chores, are help with child rearing

c. Men doing housework make women feel cared for

d. It decreases her stress level

e. If you want more sex, look at your feelings about the toilet bowl

III. Common Male Complaint #1 Her Standards are too high

a. Author already told her in previous chapters she will have to reduce her standards and live in filth with her husband

b. He says he has been there and wanted to do more fun things rather than do housework. He has also done a half-assed job just to make her frustrated enough to do it herself.

c. Then, he realized that the more he does do, the better the marriage seems to get

IV. Suggestions for how to make the situation better

a. Make a list with her of what she would like you to do—make a list of what you already do just in case she tries to burden you with too many menial task

i. The key is not to make this into

ii. Be affectionate and brainstorm ideas to go forward

b. Look for bargains—maybe you can trade doing housework, for going to Saturday Basketball games without her complaining—but be fair in bargaining

c. Don’t fight with her so much or insist on being right all the time—don’t fight your wife’s influence

d. If man always has to get his way, that couple will be an unhappy couple

V. What if the opposite is the problem?

a. Maybe she runs the man over (judging from this book, I highly doubt it. Generally a woman who doesn’t have a man who is doing anything probably also doesn’t get listened to)

b. Men retreat when they are in unhappy marriages

c. If this is the problem, man should be direct with complaints rather than stop being a good father—all this does is hurt your relationship with your kids and continue the cycle of an unhappy marriage

d. Don and Sandy example:

i. Dan was ignored by parents and had a feeling of unimportance in his marriage

ii. He had trouble being assertive

iii. Sandy was raised differently and had to fight for what she wanted

iv. Kids came and things got tough

v. She pushed harder

vi. He withdrew in areas he knew were important to her

vii. She became furious

viii. When Don entered Therapy he needed to learn to be more direct and work on his fears of her anger and disappointment

VI. How childhood Effects your Marriage

a. What happened when you were a child that causes you to act the way you do

b. Make a commitment to change—whether she makes that commitment or not

c. She may be wrong, but do it anyway for your moral character

VII. Becoming a Better father

a. Fathers are getting more involved these days

b. You are probably not as involved in housework and the kids because your wife is super involved, not because you are lazy or because something is wrong with you

c. Men react less quickly to a child’s crying

d. Men also want kids to experience more risk

e. When males try and are criticized, they withdraw

f. Involved fathers have better children with emotional security

g. It’s common for older fathers to realize they want to spend more time with their kids only to have their kids say they are uninterested in a relationship

VIII. What to say to your wife

a. Tell her you want to make your own relationship with the kids without her imposing

b. Tell her you want to make your own mistakes, and she can offer feedback if you request it

c. It’s okay for the baby to crawl around your feet when football is on, and when the baby falls down the stairs and has brain damage, then you will have learned your lesson as a father, not to ignore a baby who is crawling around at your feet (is this author serious? How is ignoring a baby parental interaction? He says women who freak out about this are wrong. No, he is wrong. And this is not good parenting).

Related Links:

1) Ten ways to be a better Father

This website gives ten different ways that men can be better fathers and role models to their children. Some of the examples include passionately loving your wife, being a man of integrity, spending time with them, and making them know their self worth. Many men these days are failing when it comes to being a healthy role model for their children, but his website is encouraging because it gives examples of ways to be there for your children and also for your wife. I think the most important thing this man says is that men need to practice what they preach. If children hear you say one thing and then see you do another thing, then they will not listen to you.

http://www.leaderu.com/common/betfath.html

2) How to Be a Better Man

This link is written by James A. Schaller. He talks about how many men are ideologically trained to worship the God of independence. It seems to be better when a man gets to the top of his own accord and it is often seen as weak for a man to depend on another person. He also makes an interesting reference to how violence is more often used by men to get what they want. However, the unique thing is that violence is not at the heart of many divorces in America. His final line is that “more marriages and families are dying from silence than from violence.” This truly made me think about how the Dominance Model and our ideals of what a “real man” should be is truly ruining American marriages.

http://www.bluedolphinpublishing.com/husband.htm

3) How Happiness in marriage is directly linked to Housework

This website talks about what men generally want in marriage. One thing that baffles many men is how long their wives can go without wanting sex. For women, they are more confused by how long a man can go without doing housework. There are unique differences among males and female but the report overall looked positive. 93% of the people they interviewed were happy with the person they had married and if given a chance to change their mind would not do so. Those men who had wives who were happy with the division of housework reported having better sex lives. The reason they report this is because their wives are not as tired or burdened or stressed. So men should do more around the house and they will get more sex!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11348283/site/newsweek/

My Homepage:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2006/murray/murray-home.htm

My Class Homepage:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/classhome-g25.htm