Psychology 409b November 4, 2006

Dr. Laura’s Instructions for taking Care of your Man

By: Angela Murray

Instructions for this activity are found at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy25/g25-oral1.htm

Instructor: Dr. Leon James

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2004). The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. (Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.) Reviewing pages 79-117.

I. Women as Insensitive towards men’s feelings

A. Men had written to her show that women would not listen to men about their complaints

B. Women often say that it is a man’s fault when he complains.

C. Danielle’s Story

1) Both her sister and her husband have strong personalities

2) Her sister and sister’s daughter come over often

3) Her sister comes whenever she wants without regard to their privacy

4) We find out the niece was over every day for weeks or even months

5) Dr. Laura suggests that she is not a day care center and she needs to let her sister know this.

6) She also suggests that she put her husband over her relationship with her sister

D. Women think men should just take abuse

E. Another woman was debating whether or not to keep a cat or a husband

F. Dr. Laura was appalled by her that she would allow a cat who hissed and growled at her husband to stick around

G. The woman didn’t want to feel controlled by her husband, as if everything he told her to do she had to do.

H. Dr. Laura told her to give up the cat and find better friends and stop worrying about being controlled. Marriage is about give and take and each side should feel confident that the other cares about their needs

II. Women wanting control

A. A woman Gina wants to include a grandparent in the children’s lives, but the husband doesn’t want them to be a part of it

B. Dr. Laura asks why she wants a stranger involved instead of making her husband happy

C. Gina wanted him to be more of a man and make the effort for a relationship with the father

D. Dr. Laura criticized the woman for degrading her husband

E. Woman wants a picture perfect thing, with all grandparents involved.

F. Dr. Laura asks her to be more of a woman and handle conflict better

III. A Woman who feels she is loosing a relationship with her husband

A. Anna feels like her husband is someone else when he comes home

B. Without missing a beat, Dr. Laura brings in her vows to love and honor him no matter what

C. The problem is we don’t see any more of the situation, what if they really have grown apart, what if he is cheating on her, the wife says they are distant from each other, and generally a person knows when something is wrong in their marriage

D. Dr. Laura suggests kissing him when he comes home, thanking him for all he has done, and giving him a brownie, this will fix everything and he will be more likely to help her and do anything. (I have another problem with this. The heart of the issue has not been solved. We have only been give surface fixes and we aren’t looking into the deeper problem.

IV. Disagreements in raising children

A. A couple disagreed about their daughter going to a football game. Husband says no, and wife says yes

B. Dr. Laura suggests that they work as a team and make decisions before they tell the daughter yes or no

C. Husband tends to complain that he looks like the bad guy while the mother sides with the children.

D. This is not okay, wife and husband need to make choices together. I agree with what Dr. Laura says in this scenario. Both parents need to be the bad guy sometimes, and there should be no good cop bad cop. It should be two loving parents deciding that they will guide their children in the right paths. You can’t be your kid’s friend. You are a parent first

V. Men having feelings?

A. Men might not wear their feelings on their sleeves but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them

B. Think from a man’s perspective-fears, anxieties, frustrations

C. Don’t badger your husband for female feelings, assume he expresses them differently

D. Men don’t need to give all the bitter details of their day to get support from wife (however, women might be more enthusiastic if they felt they had an idea of what their husbands are doing)

E. Women need to understand that a man has emotions too

F. One man says he wants to feel in his heart that his wife loves him

VI. “Feminist Gobbledygook”--men and women really are different despite what feminists say

A. Have realistic expectations

B. Men are simple, women are complex (whatever, both sexes are complex in separate ways)

C. Dr. Laura puts burden of communication problems on women

D. She explain how young girls are more verbal and over dramatic, and son’s have few words and more actions

E. Wives complain because they want to talk about things with their husbands, Dr. Laura asks why they want to talk, and the women say they want to be intimate (God forbid they want to have reasonable conversations with their husbands)

F. Dr. Laura then says men will see close loving and intimate when she wears something sexy to bed, make a sandwich or do thing, (Completely disagree! Those are surface things that show no mark of intimacy, and I know plenty of men that require more than that for there to be real intimacy)

G. Dr. Laura complains about woman wanting to be listened to AGAIN! about the same old thing ( wow, she really is biting women in this isn’t she?)

H. Mistake is to view a husband as a girlfriend, (and why can’t he listen? Is it that hard to talk about feelings?)

VII. Ways to make things better for communication

A. Offer down time at the end of the day if needed

B. Use a catch phrase to let him know you don’t want anything fixed you just want a a listener

C. Cut down the details, summarize

D. Work out your issues separately first and then come to him to talk, don’t use him as a therapist

E. Use more non-verbal communication

F. Forgive (but this doesn’t mean we don’t hold each other accountable)

G. Don’t try to turn a man into a woman (This is wrong to say a woman is trying to turn her man into a woman, no! She is trying to turn him into a listener. There are real men who do this)

H. Speak in black and white, not in hints (this is true, be direct all the time and you will get what you want or explain the hints to him so he understands) Don’t expect him to read your mind