Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By Michelle Horst

Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm 

I am answering Questions 3, 4, 6, 9 and 12

 

The question I am answering is Question 3:

1. A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.

a.)        When a couple is getting along well and enjoying the same activities, this does not mean that they are operating on a unity level within their marriage.  The sensorimotor part of the threefold self has simply connected the partners at an external level. They couple may communicate and express themselves similarly, but if their personal beliefs, and motivating forces are not in sync with one another, a simple disagreement can quickly turn partners against one another.  By showing disrespect, retaliation or hatred toward one another it is easy to assume this couple has not reached unity, though for some time they have aligned themselves externally and gotten along.

 An interest in joint activities does not mean the couple agrees with each other’s feelings, desires or motivations.  The husband may love his wife and they may share many interests, thus being conjoined on the external self.  Internally though he still possess independent thoughts and resists his wife’s attempts to modify them, producing a disconnected cognitive and affective self.  When partners are not conjoined on all levels their relationship is susceptible to any type of attack from the outside or from each other. What is going on externally is not always a reflection of the inner state of the relationship.  Internally both partners may have animosity, opposition or disconnections to one another affectively and cognitively.  This disharmony between the external and internal aspects becomes apparent when a disagreement arises, and the true inter feelings come out in hatful manners.  Until there is an effort to conjoin internally the disrespect and dislike will reveal itself each time partners have an argument.

As Dr. James states in his lecture notes “physical and mental abuse is practiced by men more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures.”  While the couple may appear to be the “perfect couple” they may be avoiding deep differences and dissatisfactions resulting in verbally abusive exchanges. When a disagreement turns ugly it is likely that the man is still striving for independence and in retaliation uses hatful words to his wife to weaken their unity.  As the Unity Model of Marriage states, women are born to unite with a partner, while men have an inborn desire for independence.  Both partners must acquire new traits that could fit them together as a unit. These new acquired traits must consist of sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective traits in the threefold self.  Both must voluntarily display habits of external activities, habits of thinking, and habits of internal feeling that are in conjunction with each other.

b.)        Married partners can reverse this flip flop cycle so it never happens again by applying the principles of the unity model to their marriage.  First partners must understand their role in the threefold self and how it interacts with the three levels of the unity model. The sensorimotor level is the outmost part of our self and must match with the innermost parts of the self to enable unity.  That is to say that outside activities and actions must be governed by the cognitive self; thought processes and deep personal beliefs must match those of their partners (husbands adopt their wives ideals which are reflected in actions).  The deepest level, the affective component is essentially the last and most important level in which partners feelings, needs and innermost desires are conjoined, of the threefold self.

Unity is a developmental path that can take years to obtain, but once it is felt neither partner will ever want to go back to their old, selfish ways.  Once a couple achieves unity on all three levels of the threefold self they become one, a “conjoint self.”  They must grow together in reciprocity, which means developing new traits and dissolving invaluable traits so that the union may grow. Dr. James explains that if women and men were similar in these fundamental traits, they could only form external relationships and could never achieve the married state of the conjoint self. Their selves would remain separate because to like things do not fit together, an example to explain this would be the relation of a bolt and a nut; while they appear different they need each other to work properly.  The differences between men and woman make perfect unity possible.

The couple illustrated in question three must abandon their own ways and the husband must strive to enlighten himself and see their relationship in terms of eternal.  Once a husband understands that upon death the couple does not part, but is conjoined for eternity he can begin to work towards the necessary steps to ensure a union that is free of arguments, emotional abuse and retaliation.  Though the steps are not easy and seem contrary to the man’s desire for independence, he will eventually understand the wisdom his wife possess for unity and this will guide him. From my interpretation I think that once a man is able to listen, understand, feel and predict his wife’s needs and the two become one and destructive arguments can no longer arise because of the attuned nature of their heavenly relationship.

c.) To obtain more information on the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James and how it can save your marriage or relationship access The Doctrine of the Wife at:  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/wife.html

 

The question I am answering is Question 4:

(a) Select one or more techniques explained in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations. (b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or some other couples you know. (c) Describe what you did, what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with the unity model. (d) Anything else you have to say.

a.)        Making Field Observations

  • Is there conflict between them? Does he get mad and yell or pout? Does he walk away to cool off and stays away out of anger and inability to come together at the cognitive or affective level?
  • Does he insist on his own prerogatives as a man? Does he leave her to do his own thing with his friends, leaving her behind?
  • Does he insist or put pressure on her to do this or that she doesn't want to?

b.)        My mini-experiment will involve a field observation of my own relationship. Nathan and I have been together just under a year and like most couples have experienced a fair share of good and hard times. Before taking this class and being introduced to the unity model I always assumed that if the good times outweighed the bad times, then the relationship was satisfactory.  In this sense our relationship is very good and we rarely disagree; but upon further investigation using my newly obtained information I am starting to realize that though we may be united at times fully in the threefold self, there are situations in which we fall back into the dominance or equity stage.  By observing our conversations, daily interactions and personal signs of affection I am able to analyze my relationship in terms of the unity model.

c.)        I used the four techniques listed above as reference while observing my relationship over the last month. Below I will list the sample situation, followed by my research findings obtained during my observation.

• When a conflict arises how do we handle the situation and is anger displayed?

When we have conflicting differences it tends to be on preferences, rather than disagreeing on opinions or decision making.  When an argument arises we handle the situation by calmly letting one another speak their feelings, followed by a discussion to come to a resolution. This response seems to follow the ideas of the equity model. At times when a resolution cannot be reached we may become upset for a short period of time at one another and need a short break to allow each other to calm down and think about the other’s point of view.  We have only been in one fight like this, and after one hour we came back to one another with a desire to unite and his decision to see it my way. While leaving the situation so that we could be by ourselves may reflect the dominance model, I feel that the reunion and my boyfriend’s voluntary effort to please me seems to reflect unity on the sensorimotor (by changing his actions), cognitive (altering his previous ideas to fit mine) and affective (desiring to make happy) levels of the threefold self.

•Does he leave her to do his own activities, leaving her behind?

            One of the things that attracted me to my boyfriend was the fact that we enjoyed many of the same activities and interests.  We seem to spend the majority of our time together, with the exception of school or work we are rarely apart and enjoy each others constant company. He has never left me behind to go do some activity unless I didn’t want to go, though I always let him go because I feel it is ok for his to enjoy himself without me. In my opinion this ideas is consistent with the equity model that at times we do share different activities. I slightly disagree with the unity model because of Nathan’s love for the ocean he enjoys going surfing with his buddies whenever he can get a chance, without me.  Dr. James had responded to such statement in class by saying that physical activity is something that men need, thus essential to their health; this statement may be an exception to the rule. Furthermore we never go “out on the town” without the other. We also seem to have a somewhat gender diverse group of friends, so gender excluded activities rarely happen.

•Does he pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do?

            I feel that my relationship is one based on love and respect for one another, where we both constantly strive to satisfy the others needs.  The only time that I feel pressured to do something from my boyfriend is when it is something I know I should do anyway.  An example I can think of was a recent day when we went snorkeling. My fear of large fish and deep water made me fearful to swim out too far.  Nathan thought I should overcome my fear (which I had been saying I was going to) by swimming out hand in hand past a few more reefs.  This pressure was what I needed and his support gave me the courage to try something I had been scared to do.  I feel this reflects a unity level, though it could be argued that we were operating on a dominance level because I listened to his demand.  Though I feel I planted that idea in his head, and my ideas which he considered internally prompted his external action to take the swim with me. 

d.)        In conclusion my observations gave me a look at the operations of my own relationship in respect to the Unity Model of Marriage.  Like the model states the road to unity is a developmental one which may take many years. While our relationship seems to operate on a mostly equity level, we are a work in progress.  The trend in our interactions, our mode of communication and affection reveals that we seem to be on the path to unity and one day a conjoined self.

The question I am answering is Question 6:

(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap. (e) Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you have to say.

a.)

 Section 18. This is Table 6

Behavioral Indicators of
One's Relationship Model

1
Dominance Model

2
Equity Model

3
Unity Model

Partners tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal preference

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable

Yes

Yes

No

Partners tolerate status differences between a man and a woman

Yes

No

 No

Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others

No

No

Yes

Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in

Yes

Yes

No

Partners believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity

No

No

Yes

Each partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them

Yes

Yes

No

The man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him

No

No

Yes

When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus 

No

Yes

No

When partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking 

No

No

Yes

Partners can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious

No

No

Yes

Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas

No

No

Yes

Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever

No

No

Yes

Partners never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything

No

No

Yes

While making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married couples

Yes

Yes

No

Partners assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions

No

No

Yes

Partners try to make each other happy

Yes

Yes

Yes

Partners allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics

Yes

Yes

No

Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other

No

No

Yes

The original passion of love decreases as the years go by

Yes

Yes

No

b.)        Table 6 by Dr. Leon James is a relationship assessment chart of behavioral indicators in a relationship with respect to the unity model of marriage. Partners can easily identify what level of the Unity Model their relationship is operating on based on answering yes or no to representative characteristics in their marriage. Such topics as whether partners assume responsibility for each other’s feelings, or whether partners never punish each other are used in the chart. While the dominance and equity model agree that partners should not assume responsibility for their spouse's emotion and that it is ok to punish or retaliate against them, the unity model disagrees.  Other times the unity and dominance model agree, in such example as whether a consensus is reached during a disagreement, a fundamental element of the equity model.  Overall the dominance and equity model are more similar, with an 84% overlap, while the unity model is the most dissimilar (or unique) with only a 16% overlap with the other two levels.

c.)        The Unity Model of Marriage is based on the cooperation between the threefold self and the three levels which govern interaction in a marriage. The three fold self focuses on the sensorimotor, cognitive and affective, which represent the progression towards unity from external to innermost. Table 6 focuses on the relationship in terms of the level of unity a couple is operating: dominance, equity or unity.

          The dominance model is the general level in a relationship and usually the first level a relationship begins in. In this stage the husband dominants over the wife, and she succumbs to his ideas and actions, while her needs are put aside.  The wife is also susceptible to emotional or physical punishment if she does not comply with her husband’s demands.  The threefold self is reflected on the sensorimotor level because her external physical behaviors reflect her husband’s ideas, cognitively she must think like her husband and affectively her feelings are put aside and she must satisfy her husband’s needs.  The dominance level is destructive in that it suppresses the woman and gives power to men to control the relationship and their own independence.

          The equity model is the next progression towards unity in which the husband begins to acknowledge his wife’s rights and ideas. This is the first time the woman is given a voice in the relationship and is able to disagree with her husband.  This level involves a struggle for equal rights and fairness from both partners.  In this level at times the spouses may agree to disagree in an argument, and are tolerant of one another’s faults.  In respect to threefold self the equity model allows the husband to cooperate on a sensorimotor level in doing activities such as chore when asked, while cognitively the man begins to accept his wife’s reasoning and affectively he shows respect and care for his spouse.  It must be noted, that at any time a husband may go back to the dominance model at anytime, or may operate on different levels depending on the situation. The equity model is reflective of the current trend of relationships in our present society, and most couples never move past this level of equality.

          While working through each of these models a relationship is on a developmental path toward complete unity and conjunction, which is the unity model. Once the husband has become enlightened (i.e. he understands the relationship in terms of the afterlife) he will give up his own ideas and begin is comply with his wife exclusively. The two individuals now become one, a conjoined self.  A husband operating on the unity level will follow the doctrine of the wife and allow her final say in all decision making, including his desires and actions.  This level prompts the partners to become intolerant of differences, and every aspect of the relationship is conjoined in which both strive to agree and satisfy the other.  The unity level is possible when the husband aligns his feelings to match his wife’s and with time is able to predict and accommodate every ideal his wife desires. On the sensorimotor level the husband will take action according to his wife’s needs, cognitively his ideas reflect hers and affectively within the threefold self the husband foresees and satisfies his wife’s innermost feelings.  Ultimately the husband prefers to do things with his wife’s view in mind, without exception. Though the husband may fail at times to perform up to the ideals of the unity model, he must always strive to have the goal of unity in mind.  There is heaven on earth and into the afterlife when the husband allows his wife’s inner wisdom to lead his outward intelligence.

d.) My Table of Behavioral Indicators of a Relationship

Behavioral indicators

Dominance

Equity

Unity

1.  Partners movements are competitive with one another

Yes

Yes

No

2.  Agreeing on every issue is not important 

             Yes

Yes

No

3.  Denying partner freedom of privacy is ok

No

No

Yes

4.  Partners spend more time with their friends or family

Yes

No

No

5.  Partners acknowledge cultural role differences

Yes

Yes

Yes

6.  Going on separate vacations is allowed

             Yes

Yes

 No

7.  Partners are permitted to have in contact with ex’s

Yes

Yes

No

8.  Partners consult one another when making a decision

No

Yes

Yes

9.  Punishing or threatening your partner is permitted

Yes

No

No

10. Tradition governs the relationship

Yes

No

No

11.  Partners feel as though they are no longer individuals

No

No

Yes

12.  Female opinion is secondary to males

Yes

No

         No

13. Sex is primary, while unity is secondary

Yes

Yes

No

14.  Partners do everything they can to satisfy each other

No

Yes

Yes

15.  Husband voluntarily submits to wife’s expectations

No

No

Yes

16.  One partner has more wisdom and say than the other

Yes

No

Yes

17.  Partners feel secure in their bond

No

Yes

Yes

18.  Communication is fundamental to success on union

No

Yes

Yes

19.  Partners become dissatisfied with each other with age

Yes

Yes

No

20.  Partners desire happiness

Yes

Yes

Yes

e.)        Overall the dominance model and equity model overlapped the most with a 45% overlap, while the overlap of dominance with unity was only 10%. Interestingly the equity model overlapped with a substantial 35% with the unity model, while all three levels agreed on 10% of the behavioral indicators.  These results affirm that the unity model is the most unique of the three and the dominance and equity model are the most similar.  While consideration for each partners needs are taken with both the unity and equity, the dominance model does not reflect this concept. The dominance model and equity are most similar because they are pre-unity stages and partners are operating with independence, not as a union. In class it was stated that equity is just dominance in disguise, this also might show why they are so similar. I think that the equity model was slightly similar to the unity model only because it involves a higher progression towards unity, than the dominance stage.

f.)         A relationship can incorporate Dr. James’s behavioral indicator chart to assess their relationship status, or better yet create their own based on their personal issues or situations.  By recognizing the contrasting nature of the levels within the chart, partners can distinguish between the level they are operating on and what is necessary to be operating on a higher level.  For example a couple may answer yes to, “partners are permitted to have contact with ex’s,” which is true of the dominance and equity model.  The couple may then answer no to, “partners spend more time with friends and family,” which reflects the equity and unity model.  Upon further analysis we might conclude that this couple is then working on an equity level in their marriage. By agreeing with a unity indicator the husband is shown that some things he does already are conducive with unity, but that there are areas where the relationship falls into a dominance or equity level. The husband may then read the chart and think, “my wife is correct and I should not keep in contact with my ex-girlfriends,” this acknowledgment may lead to a shift in another area, such as the unity indicator “consulting with wife before decision making.”

The real like analogies within the chart give the husband situations he can relate to, as well as physical and emotional guidelines to follow if he hopes to reach the unity level in his marriage.  This chart and the additional charts presented in Dr. James lecture notes are tools which a husband and wife can use when setting goals to facilitate the progression of unity. Interaction patterns within a marriage are exposed when partners truthfully assess their relationship based on Dr. James’s chart, and can be beneficial if both partners are willing to strive for the ideals established by the unity model. Thus a useful application of the chart is to identify and located the current level of interaction between the partners and assess the growth of the marriage.

g.) To obtain more information on behavioral indicators and other pertinent information on the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James, please access his lecture notes at:

 http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm

 

The question I am answering is Question 9:

(a) Consider Tables 7a and 7b in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It shows how you can use the ennead chart to identify the level of feeling, thinking, and acting between married partners. It illustrates the application using the concept of "happiness."   (b) Create two similar tables using the concepts "being in love" and "being jealous." To specify the details, think of yourself in a relationship, or some other couple you know, either real or on TV. (c) Anything else you have to say.

a.) Please read tables from bottom up

This is Table 7b: By Dr. Leon James

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
PLEASURING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S MORE AND MORE

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
STRIVING TO ALIGN SELF WITH PARTNER'S PREFERENCES AND SUCCEEDING

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
GIVING PLEASURE AND RECEIVING PLEASURE IN EQUAL AMOUNT

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY EACH MUST RESPECT THE OTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
STRIVING TO JUSTIFY ONESELF TO THE PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

DOMINANCE
 MODEL
focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
BEING PLEASURED BY THE PARTNER

zone 2
cognitive
dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
THINKING THAT THE PARTNER IS COMPLIANT
IN ALL WAYS

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
STRIVING TO MAINTAIN PRIMACY OVER PARTNER AND SUCCEEDING

b.)

My Table: “Being in Love”

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
LOVING THE PARTNER

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEIR LOVE IS MEANT TO BE

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
STRIVING TO ALIGN ONE’S  HEART AND SOUL WITH THE OTHERS AND SUCCEEDING

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
GIVING LOVE AND RECEIVING LOVE IN EQUAL AMOUNT

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT THEY EACH MUST GIVE LOVE TO RECEIVE LOVE  

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
STRIVING TO JUSTIFY ONE’S LOVE FOR THE OTHER AND SUCCEEDING

DOMINANCE
 MODEL
focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
RECEIVING LOVE FROM PARTNER WITHOUT RECIPROCATING

zone 2
cognitive
dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
THINKING YOUR PARTNERS LOVE IS ADEQUATE

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
STRIVING TO ENSURE YOUR PARTNER LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM

         This chart represents being in love on all three levels in relation to the threefold self.  The dominance model’s zone 1, 2 and 3 show how the husband may expect to receive love without giving love back, while feeling that the love from his wife is satisfactory.  The husband may protect his inborn need for independence by secretly making sure wife is more in love with him than he is with her. The equity model is where partners begin to reciprocate love and strive to make the other feel that both of their love is justified. Lastly in the unity model the husband is madly in love with his wife, and believes that they are meant to be together forever. When the husband aligns his heart and soul with his wife they are united on the affective level of unity, which involves the most inner most part of the conjoined self.

My Table: “Being Jealous”

MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS

THREEFO0LD SELF

SENSORIMOTOR
(external)

COGNITIVE
(internal)

AFFECTIVE
(inmost)

UNITY
MODEL
focus on partner

zone 7
sensorimotor
unity (SU)
altruistic
 sensations
-----
CONFRONTING CAUSE OF JEALOUSY 

zone 8

cognitive
unity (CU)
altruistic
thoughts
-----
THINKING THAT WEAKENING JEALOUSY IS WRONG

zone 9
affective
unity (AU)
altruistic
feelings
-----
STRIVING TO PROTECT YOUR PARTNERS LOVE BY USING ZEAL

EQUITY
MODEL
focus on intellect

zone 4
sensorimotor
equity (SE)
intellectualized
sensations
-----
MAKING PARTNER FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING JEALOUS

zone 5
cognitive
equity (CE)
intellectualized
thoughts
-----
THINKING ONE IS WRONG FOR  ACTING JEALOUS 

zone 6
affective
equity (AE)
intellectualized feelings
-----
EACH PARTNER STRIVING TO JUSTIFY THEIR INNOCENCE

DOMINANCE
 MODEL
focus on self

zone 1
sensorimotor
dominance (SD)
 self-centered
sensations
DELIBERATLY MAKING PARTNER JEALOUS

zone 2
cognitive
dominance (CD)
self-centered
thoughts
THINKING THAT ONE SHOULD NOT BE JEALOUS

zone 3
affective
dominance (AD)
self-centered
 feelings
USING JEALOUSY AS MEANS OF CONTROL

 

             My Table on “Being Jealous” is my interpretation slightly based on material discussed in class and Chapter 14 of “Before Marriage and After Marriage” by Peter Buss. From that material I learned the difference between anger and zeal in relation to jealousy.  Zeal is a desire to protect the love of the marriage and jealousy to protect is acceptable in the unity model.  On the dominance level husbands will use jealous to control his wife, while making her feel that he has done nothing wrong when he allows another women into his sphere. In the equity model partners can make each other feel guilty for the cause of the jealousy and there is a constant struggle to justify the jealousy or innocence.  The unity model promotes jealousy when a woman feels threatened by another. The wife will defend her love and not fee paranoid for her conclusion of her husband and another woman’s interactions.  The husband ultimately in a conjoined union will not give cause to produce jealousy, because he understands he must not be careless and must always protect their love.

c.) For more information on zeal and anger access The Swedenborg Digital Library at:

http://www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/marr/marr14.htm

 

The question I am answering is Question 12:

(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama. (b) Select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. (c) Now describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. (d) What are your reactions to these observations? (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions are portrayed so often? (e) What might be the consequences for couples and society? (f) Anything else you have to say.

a.) These are some of the Anti-Unity Values from Dr. Leon James Table 9, which I witnessed while viewing the following three sitcoms:

1.      Living together unmarried

2.      Having children out of wedlock

3.      Making each other jealous on purpose

4.      Adultery for various reasons

5.      Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6.      Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

7.      Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8.      Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

9.      Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

10. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

11. Manipulating partner through deception

12. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

13. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

14. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

15. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

16. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

17. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

18. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

b.) •The first show I will describe is an HBO program called Sex and the City, based on the lives and relationships of four women living in New York City.

 One of the characters in the show is named Charlotte who begins the series as a single gal, who is on the search to find a husband.  A few seasons later after she has been married to her husband Trey for sometime, they begin to face problems with conceiving a child.  Charlotte desperately wants to become pregnant and goes as far as taking hormone shots to raise her level of fertility.  He pokes fun at their trouble by bringing home a cardboard baby cut-out, thinking it would be funny, but instead it deeply hurts her feelings. He barely apologizes to her, but rather gets angry calling her too sensitive. He also becomes unable to obtain an erection with Charlotte, but when Charlotte finds a collection of pornographic magazines she become upset, while he passes it off as something men just do.  After some time Trey becomes angry at Charlotte and tells her he’s too tired and doesn’t want children any more.  Trey definitely controls their relationship by denying Charlotte her maternal instincts, putting his needs ahead of hers. Furthermore Trey’s mother Bunny is the prominent female role in his life and often sides with his mother instead of Charlotte on issues in their relationship. It is not hard to see why this relationship ultimately ended in divorce

• The second show I will describe is the popular sitcom Friends, based on the lives and relationships of six friends.

            Ross and Rachel are childhood friends and over the many seasons in the series have had an on again off again relationship. Both making the other jealous by dating other people, Ross even was married and had a child.  At times they portray Rachel as ditzy or irrational and emotional; who works at clothing stores. Ross is portrayed as sensitive and intelligent, with a rational disposition as a paleontologist.  One night they become intoxicated and go to bed together, resulting in Rachel becoming pregnant.  To make the situation more uncomfortable the two decide to move in together during the pregnancy, but not make a commitment to one anther.  Both were allowed to date whomever they liked, though it produced jealousy and secretly neither wanted the other to date around.  During one episode a clerk from an infants clothing store, the two went shopping at, asks Ross out on a date.  Rachel becomes upset, but does not show emotion or tell Ross and watches as he dates another woman while she is pregnant with his child.  Eventually the baby is born and the two finally make a commitment to one another.

• The third show I will describe is Will and Grace which follows the lives of four friends.

            This show is high in anti-unity values and has a mix of gendered relationships. The main character Will and his friend Jack are both homosexual, while Will’s best friend Grace was once his high school girlfriend.  Will and Grace have a very close relationship, a lot of the times destroy relationships if the other doesn’t approve of their partner.  When Grace becomes in engaged she spends most of her time away from her fiancée, and accepts to agree to disagree when he asks her to keep Will out of their relationship. Throughout the episodes Grace is portrayed as emotional, irrational, while Will is rational and more intelligent.  They have a friend named Karen who is married to a man no one ever sees, they both commit adultery on one another and highly dislike each other. They have an avoidant relationship and Karen stays with Stan for his money, although they do eventually divorce.

c.)  •The threefold self for Charlotte and Trey’s relationship

Sensiormotor: Trey would no longer participate with Charlotte’s doctor appointments and fertility testing when they were trying to conceive a child. He also pokes fun at Charlotte with the cardboard baby, and commits adultery by lusting after other women. These self-centered actions portray a relationship on the dominance level of unity in which the husband’s desires are important and he makes little attempt to please his wife.

Cognitive:  Trey thinks that he is more important than his wife, when he decides to not want children.  He tries to manipulate Charlotte into believing that his ideas are best for them, and the couple allows both to speak their minds. This shows that they are working on an equity level, though Trey’s self centered thought process may better reflect a dominance strategy.

Affective: Trey strives to control the baby situation and succeeds at destroying Charlotte’s dream for sometime, until she eventually divorces him. He does not strive to satisfy Charlotte, but rather fulfill his own desires. This is representative of the dominance model working on an affective level of the threefold self.

•The threefold self of Ross and Rachel

Sensorimotor: Ross and Rachel seem to work on an equity level, both allowing the other one free right to date other people.  Their actions show an attempt at equal maintenance of power, but neither puts enough effort into showing affections.

Cognitive:  Both make the other feel that they have separate lives, with different activities and problems that they need to deal with on their own. They feel it is ok to separate themselves from each other regularly.  There is a mental battle of rights between the two.

Affective: Ross and Rachel have a very difficult time coming to compromises and neither is ever completely honest with the other. While they desire to make a union, as they begin a family, neither is willing to jeopardizes their feelings, in fear the other will be not be reciprocal.

•The three fold self of Will and Grace

This show was harder to describe in terms of the threefold self as a couple so I chose to evaluate Grace, as she is with her relationship with her fiancée

Sensiormotor: Grace actively chooses her friends over her partner and participates in activities without her fiancée on a normal basis.

Cognitively: Grace thinks that choosing Will over her partner is justifiable. She is also accepting of her close friends bisexuality, homosexuality and promiscuity.

Affective: Deep down I think Grace is still holding out that Will will want to marry her someday, and in this way she is subservient to his way of life.

d.)        While I enjoy watching all three of these shows, after really investigating the way partners interact I was shocked at the things our society portrays as funny. The media is full of gender bias stereotypes and has a way of conditioning society to believe that men are better than women.  These shows had a tendency to show woman as irrational, frivolous and not entitled the great perks of being man.  Furthermore living together out of wedlock and having children before being married seems to be another idea that is conditioned to be acceptable in our society.  Adultery and promiscuity are presented as exciting and attractive, while marriage is like a ball and chain. I feel the media is such a strong tool used in our society and now days children are raised watching shows that portray anti-unity values.  These same little boys grow up to believe that they can dominant over their wives and that they can keep their independence because society perpetuates these ideas as acceptable.

e.)        I think that these types of anti-unity values are displayed so much because our culture is becoming more lenient on what is considered acceptable in regards to marriage, sex and relationships. Woman don’t even realize that when they laugh at a joke of television, such as a women being too tired for sex with her husband, that she is playing into the very cycle that keeps her from having a happy union with her husband.  Women have been brainwashed by men to believe that the equity stage is as good as it gets, and that we are lucky to get that at all. The desire for men to keep their independence and women’s inborn desire to unite are something most can relate to and thus is trivialized in the media, making women look foolish for their drive.  The consequences for married couples, or those in a serious relationship is that when anti-unity values are presented in our homes every night, via the television we are exposing are self to ideas which can be damaging to reaching the unity model. Ultimately the convenience for the man in the dominance model and the constant battle associated with the equity model takes precedence over women’s ideals of unity in our media. Couples trying to obtain a heavenly marriage are better off not watching programs that display high levels of anti-unity values.

My Report on the Current Generation

“Two Beings Become One” By Shelley Tachino

This presentation is based on The Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James, 2004, Section 14 and 15.

Presented March 8, 2005

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/tachino/MYORAL3.htm

 

This presentation discusses the levels of the threefold self, how to achieve unity and confessions of a husband. This outline describes fundamental issues discussed in my Report 2. The first concept states that the sensorimotor level is the external part of the threefold self in which couples enjoy activities together.  The cognitive component is internally where idea and thinking is conjoined in a unified couple.  The inmost or affective level is where feelings and motivations are conjoined. This first concept in Shelley’s presentation helps to explain the way a person operates in a relationship, and incorporates the ideas presented in my Report 2 when discussing the Unity Model of Marriage.

           

Shelley’s second concept gives information on how a couple achieves unity.  It states that unity is based on the man’s rational understanding that his wife is wise and can see things he can’t.  The husband must voluntarily submit to the wife’s expectations and recognized her perceptions promote lasting unity between them and his don’t. When a husband fulfils these ideals the wife may be united with him forever.  The presentation explains that the couples become a higher form of human life when united than when individuals.  Based on this concept choice I can assume Shelley agrees that some measures must be taken to achieve unity and that they must be reflected on all three levels of the threefold self.

           

The third concept is about confessions, including examples from Dr. James’ list of over 100 self-witnessing confessions.  The husband must acknowledge the ways he keeps himself emotionally separate from his wife and the strategies he uses to resist internal unity.  Shelley suggests that husband can make their own lists of things he feels may be hurting the relationship, so that he can access the depth of his marriage.  Examples of confessions include taking things out on wife when stressed, or expecting her to have certain “jobs” like Christmas shopping.  Men must also ask themselves to what extent would they admit these behaviors, and for woman what extent the men admit to them. I assume Shelley agrees that men do not find it easy to accept of discuss their negative actions, or like to take responsibility for their role in their marriage. In conclusions this presentation gives insight into how unity is achieved, a vital discussion in question 3 on how to mend a dominance or equity marriage using the unity model.

           

• “Friendship in Marriage” by Britton Komine

This is a presentation of the book Before Marriage and After Marriage by Peter Buss, Chapter 11.

Presented March 1, 2005

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/komine/myoral2.htm

 

            Friendship and marriage are two qualities essential to a harmonious marriage.  This presentation distinguishes between these two ideals and their effect on a conjoined marriage.  Charity or love are felt and shown in the spiritual person, while conjoined couples share spiritual feeling and thoughts.  Friendship on the other hand is of the natural person, is experienced through sharing natural feelings and thoughts.  Friendship allows us to learn what type of words or expressions best convey our hearts, when to ask for help and what kind of silence communicates sympathy and understanding. I think this is essential to building positive relationships and allows the man to learn how he will treat and communicate with his wife in a united marriage someday.

           

The second concept presented in Britton’s outline is the honeymoon stage, or state of high love.  This stage is said to be more of the body than the spirit and less tender and unselfish.  The excitement about marriage is very passionate and the thrill can eventually burn out.  If the state of high love fades there is a gap in the marriage and they are not ready for pure, holy love (known as conjugial love), they are really ready for friendship. This concept is important for my report because it correlates to the idea that love does not fade for a conjoined couple when they have achieved the unity model and that they have conjugial love, the most holy marriage. To think the honeymoon can last forever is a very exciting and promising idea within Dr. James’ unity model; which the speaker agreed with.

           

The last concept gives advice on how to bridge this gap so that the love can gradually build up within the partners.  Britton explains that friendship means to build a house, raise a family, struggle with budget, etc.  These realistic expressions are not the joys of love, but they do allow partners to show kindness, or friendship.  The couple fails and succeeds together and share satisfactions, these results allow the “deep current of love” to gradually build within them.  In conclusion friendship, while essential to a relationship is of the body, while love is of the spirit.  A husband must become enlightened and recognize the internal characteristics of the spirit to become able to display the conjugial love for his wife necessary for their conjoined self.

 

• “AUV” by Davis Hanai

This is a presentation on Reference 5- “My Proposal of TV Ratings on Anti-Unity Values” by Makana Liwai

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm

Presented March 15, 2004

 

            The three concepts discussed in Davis Hanai’s oral presentation is a discussion on anti-unity values, methods for rating television and movies, as well as correlation between AUV’s and the surrendered husband.  Anti-unity values are anything that goes against the progression of unity in a marriage.  They can are interactions, gestures, actions or spoken word, and are highly visible in our societies media.  Davis agrees that the media projects values that are often against the unity model.  When I observed television shows for question 12 of this report I found that anti-unity values have a high implication to the dominance and equity models.  Davis thinks we need to be more critical and aware of our exposure to AUV’s on television and movie.

           

The author of Reference 5 suggested an AUV rating system which displays the exposure levels in a program before it begins, such as 1-10.  While Davis thought an MPA type rating systems, like those used for movies may be a better technique for making people aware of AUV.  Davis feels that ratings which promote healthy lifestyles are needed in today’s society, and I agree that exposure to AUV can have damaging effects on our relationships.  As I indicated earlier in this report dominance of woman as acceptable seems on television, makes it easier for people to display these types of behaviors in real life. In this way the media is shaping our interactions in relationships and ultimately our society.

           

The concept of the surrendered husband explains the orientation of the husband to the wife.  An example Dr. James’ uses is AUV 13 in which partners choose to agree to disagree, which goes against the unity model.  Anther AVU is excepting partners faults, which is wrong because in unity both parties would want to change for the better.  Davis disagreed and thought that partners should learn to be more excepting of each other, the idea of loving a person for who they are, not who you want them to become.  The significance of this presentation as presented is that everyone desires for the “perfect marriage,” but in reality it is not like the fairy book story in the movies and takes hard work.  The unity model of marriage is a developmental journey that does involve work, but once it becomes of the spirit and the body it will become easy and natural.  

 

Advice to Future Generations

          Typing this section is a relief, since it is the last section in my very long report that is the second due for Dr. James’ psychology class on the Unity Model of Marriage.  Thus, do not expect this class to be easy, the material is difficult to understand because most of its ideas may be contrary to the way most people live their lives.  The idea of anything above equality in a relationship had never even came to mind, especially this foreign idea of a woman running the relationship the way the unity model implies.  While I do disagree with some of the concepts within this model and a majority of the material I learned in this class will be something I can take away and use in my own personal life.

           

Furthermore this class is very diverse, and you might have a few things going on at a time. You will spend time reading various books and notes on relationships and genders, writing outlines and giving oral presentations, as well as participating in interactive discussions, and learning to upload information and create your own home page using your computer.  Be warned the first few weeks of this class you will sort of feel like you don’t understand what is going on, I think everyone does, but once your homepage is made and you’ve written your first report things will begin to look clear.  I found looking through the previous generations reports helped out a lot in knowing what is expected. Overall this class involved hard work, participation and an open mind.

 

 

Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm

 

My Home Page:  http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/home.htm