Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of
Marriage
By Michelle Horst
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 4, 6, 9 and 12
The question I am answering is Question 3:
1. A husband and wife seem to get along
real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular
with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show
disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen
and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the
Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop
cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the
unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the
Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
a.) When
a couple is getting along well and enjoying the same activities, this does not
mean that they are operating on a unity level within their marriage. The sensorimotor part of the threefold self
has simply connected the partners at an external level. They couple may
communicate and express themselves similarly, but if their personal beliefs,
and motivating forces are not in sync with one another, a simple disagreement
can quickly turn partners against one another.
By showing disrespect, retaliation or hatred toward one another it is
easy to assume this couple has not reached unity, though for some time they
have aligned themselves externally and gotten along.
An interest in joint activities does not mean
the couple agrees with each other’s feelings, desires or motivations. The husband may love his wife and they may
share many interests, thus being conjoined on the external self. Internally though he still possess
independent thoughts and resists his wife’s attempts to modify them, producing
a disconnected cognitive and affective self.
When partners are not conjoined on all levels their relationship is
susceptible to any type of attack from the outside or from each other. What is
going on externally is not always a reflection of the inner state of the
relationship. Internally both partners
may have animosity, opposition or disconnections to one another affectively and
cognitively. This disharmony between the
external and internal aspects becomes apparent when a disagreement arises, and
the true inter feelings come out in hatful manners. Until there is an effort to conjoin
internally the disrespect and dislike will reveal itself each time partners
have an argument.
As
Dr. James states in his lecture notes “physical and mental abuse is practiced
by men more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures.” While the couple may appear to be the
“perfect couple” they may be avoiding deep differences and dissatisfactions
resulting in verbally abusive exchanges. When a disagreement turns ugly it is
likely that the man is still striving for independence and in retaliation uses
hatful words to his wife to weaken their unity.
As the Unity Model of Marriage states, women are born to unite with a
partner, while men have an inborn desire for independence. Both partners must acquire new traits that
could fit them together as a unit. These new acquired traits must consist of
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective traits in the threefold self. Both must voluntarily display habits of
external activities, habits of thinking, and habits of internal feeling that
are in conjunction with each other.
b.) Married partners can reverse this flip
flop cycle so it never happens again by applying the principles of the unity
model to their marriage. First partners
must understand their role in the threefold self and how it interacts with the
three levels of the unity model. The sensorimotor level is the outmost part of
our self and must match with the innermost parts of the self to enable
unity. That is to say that outside
activities and actions must be governed by the cognitive self; thought
processes and deep personal beliefs must match those of their partners
(husbands adopt their wives ideals which are reflected in actions). The deepest level, the affective component is
essentially the last and most important level in which partners feelings, needs
and innermost desires are conjoined, of the threefold self.
Unity
is a developmental path that can take years to obtain, but once it is felt
neither partner will ever want to go back to their old, selfish ways. Once a couple achieves unity on all three
levels of the threefold self they become one, a “conjoint self.” They must grow together in reciprocity, which
means developing new traits and dissolving invaluable traits so that the union
may grow. Dr. James explains that if women and men were similar in these
fundamental traits, they could only form external relationships and could never
achieve the married state of the conjoint self. Their selves would remain
separate because to like things do not fit together, an example to explain this
would be the relation of a bolt and a nut; while they appear different they
need each other to work properly. The
differences between men and woman make perfect unity possible.
The
couple illustrated in question three must abandon their own ways and the
husband must strive to enlighten himself and see their relationship in terms of
eternal. Once a husband understands that
upon death the couple does not part, but is conjoined for eternity he can begin
to work towards the necessary steps to ensure a union that is free of
arguments, emotional abuse and retaliation.
Though the steps are not easy and seem contrary to the man’s desire for
independence, he will eventually understand the wisdom his wife possess for
unity and this will guide him. From my interpretation I think that once a man
is able to listen, understand, feel and predict his wife’s needs and the two
become one and destructive arguments can no longer arise because of the attuned
nature of their heavenly relationship.
c.) To obtain more information on the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James and how it can save your marriage or relationship access The Doctrine of the Wife at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/wife.html
The question I am answering is Question 4:
(a) Select one or more techniques explained
in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations.
(b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze
interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or
some other couples you know. (c) Describe what you did, what you found, and how
you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you
can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with
the unity model. (d) Anything else you have to say.
b.) My mini-experiment will involve a field
observation of my own relationship. Nathan and I have been together just under
a year and like most couples have experienced a fair share of good and hard
times. Before taking this class and being introduced to the unity model I
always assumed that if the good times outweighed the bad times, then the
relationship was satisfactory. In this
sense our relationship is very good and we rarely disagree; but upon further
investigation using my newly obtained information I am starting to realize that
though we may be united at times fully in the threefold self, there are
situations in which we fall back into the dominance or equity stage. By observing our conversations, daily
interactions and personal signs of affection I am able to analyze my
relationship in terms of the unity model.
c.) I used the four techniques listed above
as reference while observing my relationship over the last month. Below I will
list the sample situation, followed by my research findings obtained during my
observation.
• When a
conflict arises how do we handle the situation and is anger displayed?
When
we have conflicting differences it tends to be on preferences, rather than
disagreeing on opinions or decision making.
When an argument arises we handle the situation by calmly letting one
another speak their feelings, followed by a discussion to come to a resolution.
This response seems to follow the ideas of the equity model. At times when a
resolution cannot be reached we may become upset for a short period of time at
one another and need a short break to allow each other to calm down and think
about the other’s point of view. We have
only been in one fight like this, and after one hour we came back to one
another with a desire to unite and his decision to see it my way. While leaving
the situation so that we could be by ourselves may reflect the dominance model,
I feel that the reunion and my boyfriend’s voluntary effort to please me seems
to reflect unity on the sensorimotor (by changing his actions), cognitive
(altering his previous ideas to fit mine) and affective (desiring to make
happy) levels of the threefold self.
•Does he
leave her to do his own activities, leaving her behind?
One
of the things that attracted me to my boyfriend was the fact that we enjoyed
many of the same activities and interests.
We seem to spend the majority of our time together, with the exception
of school or work we are rarely apart and enjoy each others constant company.
He has never left me behind to go do some activity unless I didn’t want to go,
though I always let him go because I feel it is ok for his to enjoy himself
without me. In my opinion this ideas is consistent with the equity model that
at times we do share different activities. I slightly disagree with the unity
model because of Nathan’s love for the ocean he enjoys going surfing with his
buddies whenever he can get a chance, without me. Dr. James had responded to such statement in
class by saying that physical activity is something that men need, thus
essential to their health; this statement may be an exception to the rule.
Furthermore we never go “out on the town” without the other. We also seem to
have a somewhat gender diverse group of friends, so gender excluded activities
rarely happen.
•Does he
pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do?
I feel that my relationship is one
based on love and respect for one another, where we both constantly strive to
satisfy the others needs. The only time
that I feel pressured to do something from my boyfriend is when it is something
I know I should do anyway. An example I
can think of was a recent day when we went snorkeling. My fear of large fish
and deep water made me fearful to swim out too far. Nathan thought I should overcome my fear
(which I had been saying I was going to) by swimming out hand in hand past a
few more reefs. This pressure was what I
needed and his support gave me the courage to try something I had been scared
to do. I feel this reflects a unity
level, though it could be argued that we were operating on a dominance level
because I listened to his demand. Though
I feel I planted that idea in his head, and my ideas which he considered
internally prompted his external action to take the swim with me.
d.) In conclusion my observations gave me a
look at the operations of my own relationship in respect to the Unity Model of
Marriage. Like the model states the road
to unity is a developmental one which may take many years. While our
relationship seems to operate on a mostly equity level, we are a work in
progress. The trend in our interactions,
our mode of communication and affection reveals that we seem to be on the path
to unity and one day a conjoined self.
The
question I am answering is Question 6:
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what
this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of
examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up
yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap. (e)
Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to
help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you
have to say.
a.)
Section 18.
This is Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners tolerate role differences, either
culturally defined or by personal preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate some disagreements as
something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate status differences between a
man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither
may carry on close friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other privacy or separate
activities that the other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners believe themselves to be married in
this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner is tolerant of some of the
other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man always cooperates with the woman's
attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When partners disagree they negotiate to reach
a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When partners disagree the man gives in to the
woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners can't stand being separated even for
a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are mutually interdependent and
complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling
free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners never try to punish each other or
retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While making seating choices for guests at a
wedding, splitting up the married couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners assume responsibility for each
other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other to have incompatible
opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and
admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The original passion of love decreases as the
years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
b.) Table 6 by Dr. Leon James is a relationship
assessment chart of behavioral indicators in a relationship with respect to the
unity model of marriage. Partners can easily identify what level of the Unity
Model their relationship is operating on based on answering yes or no to
representative characteristics in their marriage. Such topics as whether
partners assume responsibility for each other’s feelings, or whether partners
never punish each other are used in the chart. While the dominance and equity
model agree that partners should not assume responsibility for their spouse's
emotion and that it is ok to punish or retaliate against them, the unity model
disagrees. Other times the unity and
dominance model agree, in such example as whether a consensus is reached during
a disagreement, a fundamental element of the equity model. Overall the dominance and equity model are
more similar, with an 84% overlap, while the unity model is the most dissimilar
(or unique) with only a 16% overlap with the other two levels.
c.) The Unity Model of Marriage is based on
the cooperation between the threefold self and the three levels which govern
interaction in a marriage. The three fold self focuses on the sensorimotor,
cognitive and affective, which represent the progression towards unity from
external to innermost. Table 6 focuses on the relationship in terms of the
level of unity a couple is operating: dominance, equity or unity.
• The dominance model is the general
level in a relationship and usually the first level a relationship begins in.
In this stage the husband dominants over the wife, and she succumbs to his
ideas and actions, while her needs are put aside. The wife is also susceptible to emotional or
physical punishment if she does not comply with her husband’s demands. The threefold self is reflected on the
sensorimotor level because her external physical behaviors reflect her
husband’s ideas, cognitively she must think like her husband and affectively
her feelings are put aside and she must satisfy her husband’s needs. The dominance level is destructive in that it
suppresses the woman and gives power to men to control the relationship and
their own independence.
• The equity model is the next
progression towards unity in which the husband begins to acknowledge his wife’s
rights and ideas. This is the first time the woman is given a voice in the
relationship and is able to disagree with her husband. This level involves a struggle for equal
rights and fairness from both partners.
In this level at times the spouses may agree to disagree in an argument,
and are tolerant of one another’s faults.
In respect to threefold self the equity model allows the husband to
cooperate on a sensorimotor level in doing activities such as chore when asked,
while cognitively the man begins to accept his wife’s reasoning and affectively
he shows respect and care for his spouse.
It must be noted, that at any time a husband may go back to the
dominance model at anytime, or may operate on different levels depending on the
situation. The equity model is reflective of the current trend of relationships
in our present society, and most couples never move past this level of
equality.
• While working through each of these
models a relationship is on a developmental path toward complete unity and
conjunction, which is the unity model. Once the husband has become enlightened
(i.e. he understands the relationship in terms of the afterlife) he will give
up his own ideas and begin is comply with his wife exclusively. The two individuals
now become one, a conjoined self. A
husband operating on the unity level will follow the doctrine of the wife and
allow her final say in all decision making, including his desires and actions. This level prompts the partners to become
intolerant of differences, and every aspect of the relationship is conjoined in
which both strive to agree and satisfy the other. The unity level is possible when the husband
aligns his feelings to match his wife’s and with time is able to predict and
accommodate every ideal his wife desires. On the sensorimotor level the husband
will take action according to his wife’s needs, cognitively his ideas reflect
hers and affectively within the threefold self the husband foresees and
satisfies his wife’s innermost feelings.
Ultimately the husband prefers to do things with his wife’s view in
mind, without exception. Though the husband may fail at times to perform up to
the ideals of the unity model, he must always strive to have the goal of unity
in mind. There is heaven on earth and
into the afterlife when the husband allows his wife’s inner wisdom to lead his
outward intelligence.
d.) My
Table of Behavioral Indicators of a Relationship
|
Behavioral
indicators |
Dominance |
Equity |
Unity |
|
1.
Partners movements are competitive with one another |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
2.
Agreeing on every issue is not important
|
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
3. Denying
partner freedom of privacy is ok |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
4. Partners spend more time with their friends
or family |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
5.
Partners acknowledge cultural role differences |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
6. Going
on separate vacations is allowed |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
7.
Partners are permitted to have in contact with ex’s |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
8.
Partners consult one another when making a decision |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
9.
Punishing or threatening your partner is permitted |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
10. Tradition
governs the relationship |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
11.
Partners feel as though they are no longer individuals |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
12. Female
opinion is secondary to males |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
13. Sex is
primary, while unity is secondary |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
14.
Partners do everything they can to satisfy each other |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
15.
Husband voluntarily submits to wife’s expectations |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
16. One
partner has more wisdom and say than the other |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
17. Partners
feel secure in their bond |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
18.
Communication is fundamental to success on union |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
19.
Partners become dissatisfied with each other with age |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
20.
Partners desire happiness |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
e.) Overall the dominance model and equity
model overlapped the most with a 45% overlap, while the overlap of dominance
with unity was only 10%. Interestingly the equity model overlapped with a substantial
35% with the unity model, while all three levels agreed on 10% of the
behavioral indicators. These results
affirm that the unity model is the most unique of the three and the dominance
and equity model are the most similar.
While consideration for each partners needs are taken with both the
unity and equity, the dominance model does not reflect this concept. The
dominance model and equity are most similar because they are pre-unity stages
and partners are operating with independence, not as a union. In class it was
stated that equity is just dominance in disguise, this also might show why they
are so similar. I think that the equity model was slightly similar to the unity
model only because it involves a higher progression towards unity, than the
dominance stage.
f.) A relationship can incorporate Dr.
James’s behavioral indicator chart to assess their relationship status, or
better yet create their own based on their personal issues or situations. By recognizing the contrasting nature of the levels
within the chart, partners can distinguish between the level they are operating
on and what is necessary to be operating on a higher level. For example a couple may answer yes to, “partners
are permitted to have contact with ex’s,” which is true of the dominance and
equity model. The couple may then answer
no to, “partners spend more time with friends and family,” which reflects the
equity and unity model. Upon further analysis
we might conclude that this couple is then working on an equity level in their
marriage. By agreeing with a unity indicator the husband is shown that some things
he does already are conducive with unity, but that there are areas where the
relationship falls into a dominance or equity level. The husband may then read
the chart and think, “my wife is correct and I should not keep in contact with
my ex-girlfriends,” this acknowledgment may lead to a shift in another area,
such as the unity indicator “consulting with wife before decision making.”
The
real like analogies within the chart give the husband situations he can relate to,
as well as physical and emotional guidelines to follow if he hopes to reach the
unity level in his marriage. This chart
and the additional charts presented in Dr. James lecture notes are tools which
a husband and wife can use when setting goals to facilitate the progression of
unity. Interaction patterns within a marriage are exposed when partners
truthfully assess their relationship based on Dr. James’s chart, and can be
beneficial if both partners are willing to strive for the ideals established by
the unity model. Thus a useful application of the chart is to identify and
located the current level of interaction between the partners and assess the
growth of the marriage.
g.) To obtain
more information on behavioral indicators and other pertinent information on
the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James, please access his lecture notes
at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm
The question I am answering is Question 9:
(a) Consider Tables 7a and 7b in the
Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It shows how you can use the ennead chart to identify the level of feeling,
thinking, and acting between married partners. It illustrates the application using
the concept of "happiness." (b) Create two similar tables
using the concepts "being in love" and "being jealous." To
specify the details, think of yourself in a relationship, or some other couple
you know, either real or on TV. (c) Anything else you have to say.
a.) Please read tables from bottom
up
This is Table 7b: By Dr. Leon James
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY
|
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY
|
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
b.)
My
Table: “Being in Love”
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY
|
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY
|
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
• This chart represents being in love on all
three levels in relation to the threefold self.
The dominance model’s zone 1, 2 and 3 show how the husband may expect to
receive love without giving love back, while feeling that the love from his
wife is satisfactory. The husband may
protect his inborn need for independence by secretly making sure wife is more
in love with him than he is with her. The equity model is where partners begin
to reciprocate love and strive to make the other feel that both of their love
is justified. Lastly in the unity model the husband is madly in love with his
wife, and believes that they are meant to be together forever. When the husband
aligns his heart and soul with his wife they are united on the affective level
of unity, which involves the most inner most part of the conjoined self.
My
Table: “Being Jealous”
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY
|
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY
|
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
• My Table on “Being Jealous” is my interpretation
slightly based on material discussed in class and Chapter 14 of “Before
Marriage and After Marriage” by Peter Buss. From that material I learned the
difference between anger and zeal in relation to jealousy. Zeal is a desire to protect the love of the
marriage and jealousy to protect is acceptable in the unity model. On the dominance level husbands will use
jealous to control his wife, while making her feel that he has done nothing
wrong when he allows another women into his sphere. In the equity model
partners can make each other feel guilty for the cause of the jealousy and
there is a constant struggle to justify the jealousy or innocence. The unity model promotes jealousy when a
woman feels threatened by another. The wife will defend her love and not fee
paranoid for her conclusion of her husband and another woman’s
interactions. The husband ultimately in
a conjoined union will not give cause to produce jealousy, because he
understands he must not be careless and must always protect their love.
c.) For more information on zeal
and anger access The Swedenborg Digital Library at:
http://www.swedenborgdigitallibrary.org/marr/marr14.htm
The question I am answering is Question 12:
(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the
media – soaps, comedy, drama. (b) Select at least three programs for which you
can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each
show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to
having a successful marriage. (c) Now describe the affective, cognitive, and
sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. (d) What are your reactions to
these observations? (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions
are portrayed so often? (e) What might be the consequences for couples and
society? (f) Anything else you have to say.
a.) These
are some of the Anti-Unity Values from Dr. Leon James Table 9, which I
witnessed while viewing the following three sitcoms:
1. Living together
unmarried
2. Having children out of
wedlock
3. Making each other
jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various
reasons
5.
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Having a same sex best friend
who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
7. Having a heterosexual
best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain
things
8. Same sex friends going
out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
9. Flirting with other
gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
10. Separate interests and
activities accepted for partners
11. Manipulating partner
through deception
12. Accepting the idea that
it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
13. Acceptance of the idea
that men are more important
14. Promoting the idea that
men are more rational than women
15. Promoting the idea that
women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
16. Making it look normal
for a man to exploit women
17. Making it look like
what women say and think as less important
18. Accepting the idea that
a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad
he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if
her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
b.) •The
first show I will describe is an HBO program called Sex and the City, based on the lives and relationships of four
women living in New York City.
One of the characters in the show is named
Charlotte who begins the series as a single gal, who is on the search to find a
husband. A few seasons later after she
has been married to her husband Trey for sometime, they begin to face problems
with conceiving a child.
• The
second show I will describe is the popular sitcom Friends, based on the lives and relationships of six friends.
Ross and Rachel are childhood
friends and over the many seasons in the series have had an on again off again
relationship. Both making the other jealous by dating other people, Ross even
was married and had a child. At times
they portray Rachel as ditzy or irrational and emotional; who works at clothing
stores. Ross is portrayed as sensitive and intelligent, with a rational
disposition as a paleontologist. One
night they become intoxicated and go to bed together, resulting in Rachel
becoming pregnant. To make the situation
more uncomfortable the two decide to move in together during the pregnancy, but
not make a commitment to one anther.
Both were allowed to date whomever they liked, though it produced
jealousy and secretly neither wanted the other to date around. During one episode a clerk from an infants
clothing store, the two went shopping at, asks Ross out on a date. Rachel becomes upset, but does not show
emotion or tell Ross and watches as he dates another woman while she is
pregnant with his child. Eventually the
baby is born and the two finally make a commitment to one another.
• The
third show I will describe is Will and
Grace which follows the lives of four friends.
This show is high in anti-unity
values and has a mix of gendered relationships. The main character Will and his
friend Jack are both homosexual, while Will’s best friend Grace was once his
high school girlfriend. Will and Grace
have a very close relationship, a lot of the times destroy relationships if the
other doesn’t approve of their partner.
When Grace becomes in engaged she spends most of her time away from her
fiancée, and accepts to agree to disagree when he asks her to keep Will out of
their relationship. Throughout the episodes Grace is portrayed as emotional,
irrational, while Will is rational and more intelligent. They have a friend named Karen who is married
to a man no one ever sees, they both commit adultery on one another and highly
dislike each other. They have an avoidant relationship and Karen stays with
Stan for his money, although they do eventually divorce.
c.) •The threefold self for
Sensiormotor:
Trey would no longer participate with
Cognitive: Trey thinks that he is more important than
his wife, when he decides to not want children.
He tries to manipulate
Affective:
Trey strives to control the baby situation and succeeds at destroying
•The
threefold self of Ross and Rachel
Sensorimotor:
Ross and Rachel seem to work on an equity level, both allowing the other one
free right to date other people. Their
actions show an attempt at equal maintenance of power, but neither puts enough
effort into showing affections.
Cognitive: Both make the other feel that they have
separate lives, with different activities and problems that they need to deal
with on their own. They feel it is ok to separate themselves from each other
regularly. There is a mental battle of
rights between the two.
Affective:
Ross and Rachel have a very difficult time coming to compromises and neither is
ever completely honest with the other. While they desire to make a union, as
they begin a family, neither is willing to jeopardizes their feelings, in fear
the other will be not be reciprocal.
•The
three fold self of Will and Grace
This show
was harder to describe in terms of the threefold self as a couple so I chose to
evaluate Grace, as she is with her relationship with her fiancée
Sensiormotor:
Grace actively chooses her friends over her partner and participates in
activities without her fiancée on a normal basis.
Cognitively:
Grace thinks that choosing Will over her partner is justifiable. She is also
accepting of her close friends bisexuality, homosexuality and promiscuity.
Affective:
Deep down I think Grace is still holding out that Will will want to marry her
someday, and in this way she is subservient to his way of life.
d.) While I enjoy watching all three of these
shows, after really investigating the way partners interact I was shocked at
the things our society portrays as funny. The media is full of gender bias
stereotypes and has a way of conditioning society to believe that men are
better than women. These shows had a
tendency to show woman as irrational, frivolous and not entitled the great
perks of being man. Furthermore living
together out of wedlock and having children before being married seems to be
another idea that is conditioned to be acceptable in our society. Adultery and promiscuity are presented as
exciting and attractive, while marriage is like a ball and chain. I feel the
media is such a strong tool used in our society and now days children are
raised watching shows that portray anti-unity values. These same little boys grow up to believe
that they can dominant over their wives and that they can keep their
independence because society perpetuates these ideas as acceptable.
e.) I
think that these types of anti-unity values are displayed so much because our
culture is becoming more lenient on what is considered acceptable in regards to
marriage, sex and relationships. Woman don’t even realize that when they laugh
at a joke of television, such as a women being too tired for sex with her
husband, that she is playing into the very cycle that keeps her from having a
happy union with her husband. Women have
been brainwashed by men to believe that the equity stage is as good as it gets,
and that we are lucky to get that at all. The desire for men to keep their
independence and women’s inborn desire to unite are something most can relate
to and thus is trivialized in the media, making women look foolish for their
drive. The consequences for married
couples, or those in a serious relationship is that when anti-unity values are
presented in our homes every night, via the television we are exposing are self
to ideas which can be damaging to reaching the unity model. Ultimately the
convenience for the man in the dominance model and the constant battle
associated with the equity model takes precedence over women’s ideals of unity
in our media. Couples trying to obtain a heavenly marriage are better off not
watching programs that display high levels of anti-unity values.
My
Report on the Current Generation
• “Two Beings Become One” By Shelley Tachino
This
presentation is based on The Unity Model
of Marriage by Dr. Leon James, 2004, Section 14 and 15.
Presented
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/tachino/MYORAL3.htm
This presentation discusses the levels of
the threefold self, how to achieve unity and confessions of a husband. This
outline describes fundamental issues discussed in my Report 2. The first
concept states that the sensorimotor level is the external part of the
threefold self in which couples enjoy activities together. The cognitive component is internally where
idea and thinking is conjoined in a unified couple. The inmost or affective level is where
feelings and motivations are conjoined. This first concept in Shelley’s
presentation helps to explain the way a person operates in a relationship, and
incorporates the ideas presented in my Report 2 when discussing the Unity Model
of Marriage.
Shelley’s second concept gives information
on how a couple achieves unity. It
states that unity is based on the man’s rational understanding that his wife is
wise and can see things he can’t. The
husband must voluntarily submit to the wife’s expectations and recognized her
perceptions promote lasting unity between them and his don’t. When a husband
fulfils these ideals the wife may be united with him forever. The presentation explains that the couples
become a higher form of human life when united than when individuals. Based on this concept choice I can assume
Shelley agrees that some measures must be taken to achieve unity and that they
must be reflected on all three levels of the threefold self.
The third concept is about confessions,
including examples from Dr. James’ list of over 100 self-witnessing
confessions. The husband must
acknowledge the ways he keeps himself emotionally separate from his wife and
the strategies he uses to resist internal unity. Shelley suggests that husband can make their
own lists of things he feels may be hurting the relationship, so that he can
access the depth of his marriage.
Examples of confessions include taking things out on wife when stressed,
or expecting her to have certain “jobs” like Christmas shopping. Men must also ask themselves to what extent
would they admit these behaviors, and for woman what extent the men admit to
them. I assume Shelley agrees that men do not find it easy to accept of discuss
their negative actions, or like to take responsibility for their role in their
marriage. In conclusions this presentation gives insight into how unity is
achieved, a vital discussion in question 3 on how to mend a dominance or equity
marriage using the unity model.
•
“Friendship in Marriage” by Britton Komine
This
is a presentation of the book Before Marriage
and After Marriage by Peter Buss, Chapter 11.
Presented
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/komine/myoral2.htm
Friendship and marriage are two
qualities essential to a harmonious marriage.
This presentation distinguishes between these two ideals and their
effect on a conjoined marriage. Charity
or love are felt and shown in the spiritual person, while conjoined couples
share spiritual feeling and thoughts.
Friendship on the other hand is of the natural person, is experienced
through sharing natural feelings and thoughts.
Friendship allows us to learn what type of words or expressions best
convey our hearts, when to ask for help and what kind of silence communicates
sympathy and understanding. I think this is essential to building positive
relationships and allows the man to learn how he will treat and communicate with
his wife in a united marriage someday.
The second concept presented in Britton’s
outline is the honeymoon stage, or state of high love. This stage is said to be more of the body
than the spirit and less tender and unselfish.
The excitement about marriage is very passionate and the thrill can
eventually burn out. If the state of
high love fades there is a gap in the marriage and they are not ready for pure,
holy love (known as conjugial love), they are really ready for friendship. This
concept is important for my report because it correlates to the idea that love
does not fade for a conjoined couple when they have achieved the unity model
and that they have conjugial love, the most holy marriage. To think the
honeymoon can last forever is a very exciting and promising idea within Dr.
James’ unity model; which the speaker agreed with.
The last concept gives advice on how to
bridge this gap so that the love can gradually build up within the
partners. Britton explains that
friendship means to build a house, raise a family, struggle with budget,
etc. These realistic expressions are not
the joys of love, but they do allow partners to show kindness, or
friendship. The couple fails and
succeeds together and share satisfactions, these results allow the “deep
current of love” to gradually build within them. In conclusion friendship, while essential to
a relationship is of the body, while love is of the spirit. A husband must become enlightened and
recognize the internal characteristics of the spirit to become able to display
the conjugial love for his wife necessary for their conjoined self.
•
“AUV” by Davis Hanai
This
is a presentation on Reference 5- “My Proposal of TV Ratings on Anti-Unity
Values” by Makana Liwai
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/liwai/report3.htm
Presented
The three concepts discussed in
Davis Hanai’s oral presentation is a discussion on anti-unity values, methods
for rating television and movies, as well as correlation between AUV’s and the
surrendered husband. Anti-unity values
are anything that goes against the progression of unity in a marriage. They can are interactions, gestures, actions
or spoken word, and are highly visible in our societies media. Davis agrees that the media projects values
that are often against the unity model.
When I observed television shows for question 12 of this report I found
that anti-unity values have a high implication to the dominance and equity models. Davis thinks we need to be more critical and
aware of our exposure to AUV’s on television and movie.
The author of Reference 5 suggested an AUV
rating system which displays the exposure levels in a program before it begins,
such as 1-10. While Davis thought an MPA
type rating systems, like those used for movies may be a better technique for
making people aware of AUV. Davis feels
that ratings which promote healthy lifestyles are needed in today’s society,
and I agree that exposure to AUV can have damaging effects on our
relationships. As I indicated earlier in
this report dominance of woman as acceptable seems on television, makes it
easier for people to display these types of behaviors in real life. In this way
the media is shaping our interactions in relationships and ultimately our
society.
The concept of the surrendered husband
explains the orientation of the husband to the wife. An example Dr. James’ uses is AUV 13 in which
partners choose to agree to disagree, which goes against the unity model. Anther AVU is excepting partners faults,
which is wrong because in unity both parties would want to change for the
better. Davis disagreed and thought that
partners should learn to be more excepting of each other, the idea of loving a
person for who they are, not who you want them to become. The significance of this presentation as
presented is that everyone desires for the “perfect marriage,” but in reality
it is not like the fairy book story in the movies and takes hard work. The unity model of marriage is a
developmental journey that does involve work, but once it becomes of the spirit
and the body it will become easy and natural.
Advice
to Future Generations
Typing this section is a relief, since it is the last section
in my very long report that is the second due for Dr. James’ psychology class
on the Unity Model of Marriage. Thus, do
not expect this class to be easy, the material is difficult to understand
because most of its ideas may be contrary to the way most people live their
lives. The idea of anything above
equality in a relationship had never even came to mind, especially this foreign
idea of a woman running the relationship the way the unity model implies. While I do disagree with some of the concepts
within this model and a majority of the material I learned in this class will
be something I can take away and use in my own personal life.
Furthermore this class is very diverse, and
you might have a few things going on at a time. You will spend time reading
various books and notes on relationships and genders, writing outlines and
giving oral presentations, as well as participating in interactive discussions,
and learning to upload information and create your own home page using your
computer. Be warned the first few weeks
of this class you will sort of feel like you don’t understand what is going on,
I think everyone does, but once your homepage is made and you’ve written your
first report things will begin to look clear.
I found looking through the previous generations reports helped out a
lot in knowing what is expected. Overall this class involved hard work,
participation and an open mind.
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/home.htm