Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of
Marriage
By Michelle Horst
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 4, 6, 9 and 12
The question I am answering is Question 3:
1. A husband and wife seem to get along
real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular
with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show
disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen
and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the
Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop
cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the
unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the
Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
a.) When
a couple is getting along well and enjoying the same activities, this does not
mean that they are operating on a unity level within their marriage. The sensorimotor part of the threefold self
has simply connected the partners at an external level. They couple may
communicate and express themselves similarly, but if their personal beliefs,
and motivating forces are not in sync with one another, a simple disagreement
can quickly turn partners against one another.
By showing disrespect, retaliation or hatred toward one another it is
easy to assume this couple has not reached unity, though for some time they
have aligned themselves externally and gotten along.
An interest in joint activities does not mean
the couple agrees with each other’s feelings, desires or motivations. The husband may love his wife and they may
share many interests, thus being conjoined on the external self. Internally though he still possess
independent thoughts and resists his wife’s attempts to modify them, producing
a disconnected cognitive and affective self.
When partners are not conjoined on all levels their relationship is
susceptible to any type of attack from the outside or from each other. What is
going on externally is not always a reflection of the inner state of the
relationship. Internally both partners
may have animosity, opposition or disconnections to one another affectively and
cognitively. This disharmony between the
external and internal aspects becomes apparent when a disagreement arises, and
the true inter feelings come out in hatful manners. Until there is an effort to conjoin
internally the disrespect and dislike will reveal itself each time partners
have an argument.
As
Dr. James states in his lecture notes “physical and mental abuse is practiced
by men more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures.” While the couple may appear to be the
“perfect couple” they may be avoiding deep differences and dissatisfactions
resulting in verbally abusive exchanges. When a disagreement turns ugly it is
likely that the man is still striving for independence and in retaliation uses
hatful words to his wife to weaken their unity.
As the Unity Model of Marriage states, women are born to unite with a
partner, while men have an inborn desire for independence. Both partners must acquire new traits that
could fit them together as a unit. These new acquired traits must consist of
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective traits in the threefold self. Both must voluntarily display habits of
external activities, habits of thinking, and habits of internal feeling that
are in conjunction with each other.
b.) Married partners can reverse this flip
flop cycle so it never happens again by applying the principles of the unity
model to their marriage. First partners
must understand their role in the threefold self and how it interacts with the
three levels of the unity model. The sensorimotor level is the outmost part of
our self and must match with the innermost parts of the self to enable
unity. That is to say that outside
activities and actions must be governed by the cognitive self; thought
processes and deep personal beliefs must match those of their partners
(husbands adopt their wives ideals which are reflected in actions). The deepest level, the affective component is
essentially the last and most important level in which partners feelings, needs
and innermost desires are conjoined, of the threefold self.
Unity
is a developmental path that can take years to obtain, but once it is felt
neither partner will ever want to go back to their old, selfish ways. Once a couple achieves unity on all three
levels of the threefold self they become one, a “conjoint self.” They must grow together in reciprocity, which
means developing new traits and dissolving invaluable traits so that the union
may grow. Dr. James explains that if women and men were similar in these
fundamental traits, they could only form external relationships and could never
achieve the married state of the conjoint self. Their selves would remain
separate because to like things do not fit together, an example to explain this
would be the relation of a bolt and a nut; while they appear different they
need each other to work properly. The
differences between men and woman make perfect unity possible.
The
couple illustrated in question three must abandon their own ways and the
husband must strive to enlighten himself and see their relationship in terms of
eternal. Once a husband understands that
upon death the couple does not part, but is conjoined for eternity he can begin
to work towards the necessary steps to ensure a union that is free of
arguments, emotional abuse and retaliation.
Though the steps are not easy and seem contrary to the man’s desire for
independence, he will eventually understand the wisdom his wife possess for
unity and this will guide him. From my interpretation I think that once a man
is able to listen, understand, feel and predict his wife’s needs and the two
become one and destructive arguments can no longer arise because of the attuned
nature of their heavenly relationship.
c.) To obtain more information on the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James and how it can save your marriage or relationship access The Doctrine of the Wife at: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/wife.html
The question I am answering is Question 4:
(a) Select one or more techniques explained
in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations.
(b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze
interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or
some other couples you know. (c) Describe what you did, what you found, and how
you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you
can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with
the unity model. (d) Anything else you have to say.
b.) My mini-experiment will involve a field
observation of my own relationship. Nathan and I have been together just under
a year and like most couples have experienced a fair share of good and hard
times. Before taking this class and being introduced to the unity model I
always assumed that if the good times outweighed the bad times, then the
relationship was satisfactory. In this
sense our relationship is very good and we rarely disagree; but upon further
investigation using my newly obtained information I am starting to realize that
though we may be united at times fully in the threefold self, there are
situations in which we fall back into the dominance or equity stage. By observing our conversations, daily
interactions and personal signs of affection I am able to analyze my
relationship in terms of the unity model.
c.) I used the four techniques listed above
as reference while observing my relationship over the last month. Below I will
list the sample situation, followed by my research findings obtained during my
observation.
• When a
conflict arises how do we handle the situation and is anger displayed?
When
we have conflicting differences it tends to be on preferences, rather than
disagreeing on opinions or decision making.
When an argument arises we handle the situation by calmly letting one
another speak their feelings, followed by a discussion to come to a resolution.
This response seems to follow the ideas of the equity model. At times when a
resolution cannot be reached we may become upset for a short period of time at
one another and need a short break to allow each other to calm down and think
about the other’s point of view. We have
only been in one fight like this, and after one hour we came back to one
another with a desire to unite and his decision to see it my way. While leaving
the situation so that we could be by ourselves may reflect the dominance model,
I feel that the reunion and my boyfriend’s voluntary effort to please me seems
to reflect unity on the sensorimotor (by changing his actions), cognitive
(altering his previous ideas to fit mine) and affective (desiring to make
happy) levels of the threefold self.
•Does he
leave her to do his own activities, leaving her behind?
One
of the things that attracted me to my boyfriend was the fact that we enjoyed
many of the same activities and interests.
We seem to spend the majority of our time together, with the exception
of school or work we are rarely apart and enjoy each others constant company.
He has never left me behind to go do some activity unless I didn’t want to go,
though I always let him go because I feel it is ok for his to enjoy himself
without me. In my opinion this ideas is consistent with the equity model that
at times we do share different activities. I slightly disagree with the unity
model because of Nathan’s love for the ocean he enjoys going surfing with his
buddies whenever he can get a chance, without me. Dr. James had responded to such statement in
class by saying that physical activity is something that men need, thus
essential to their health; this statement may be an exception to the rule.
Furthermore we never go “out on the town” without the other. We also seem to
have a somewhat gender diverse group of friends, so gender excluded activities
rarely happen.
•Does he
pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do?
I feel that my relationship is one
based on love and respect for one another, where we both constantly strive to
satisfy the others needs. The only time
that I feel pressured to do something from my boyfriend is when it is something
I know I should do anyway. An example I
can think of was a recent day when we went snorkeling. My fear of large fish
and deep water made me fearful to swim out too far. Nathan thought I should overcome my fear
(which I had been saying I was going to) by swimming out hand in hand past a
few more reefs. This pressure was what I
needed and his support gave me the courage to try something I had been scared
to do. I feel this reflects a unity
level, though it could be argued that we were operating on a dominance level
because I listened to his demand. Though
I feel I planted that idea in his head, and my ideas which he considered
internally prompted his external action to take the swim with me.
d.) In conclusion my observations gave me a
look at the operations of my own relationship in respect to the Unity Model of
Marriage. Like the model states the road
to unity is a developmental one which may take many years. While our
relationship seems to operate on a mostly equity level, we are a work in
progress. The trend in our interactions,
our mode of communication and affection reveals that we seem to be on the path
to unity and one day a conjoined self.
The
question I am answering is Question 6:
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what
this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of
examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up
yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap. (e)
Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to
help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you
have to say.
a.)
Section 18.
This is Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners tolerate role differences, either
culturally defined or by personal preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate some disagreements as
something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate status differences between a
man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither
may carry on close friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other privacy or separate
activities that the other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners believe themselves to be married in
this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner is tolerant of some of the
other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man always cooperates with the woman's
attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When partners disagree they negotiate to reach
a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When partners disagree the man gives in to the
woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners can't stand being separated even for
a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are mutually interdependent and
complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling
free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners never try to punish each other or
retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While making seating choices for guests at a
wedding, splitting up the married couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners assume responsibility for each
other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other to have incompatible
opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and
admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The original passion of love decreases as the
years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
b.) Table 6 by Dr. Leon James is a relationship
assessment chart of behavioral indicators in a relationship with respect to the
unity model of marriage. Partners can easily identify what level of the Unity
Model their relationship is operating on based on answering yes or no to
representative characteristics in their marriage. Such topics as whether
partners assume responsibility for each other’s feelings, or whether partners
never punish each other are used in the chart. While the dominance and equity
model agree that partners should not assume responsibility for their spouse's
emotion and that it is ok to punish or retaliate against them, the unity model
disagrees. Other times the unity and
dominance model agree, in such example as whether a consensus is reached during
a disagreement, a fundamental element of the equity model. Overall the dominance and equity model are
more similar, with an 84% overlap, while the unity model is the most dissimilar
(or unique) with only a 16% overlap with the other two levels.
c.) The Unity Model of Marriage is based on
the cooperation between the threefold self and the three levels which govern
interaction in a marriage. The three fold self focuses on the sensorimotor,
cognitive and affective, which represent the progression towards unity from
external to innermost. Table 6 focuses on the relationship in terms of the
level of unity a couple is operating: dominance, equity or unity.
• The dominance model is the general
level in a relationship and usually the first level a relationship begins in.
In this stage the husband dominants over the wife, and she succumbs to his
ideas and actions, while her needs are put aside. The wife is also susceptible to emotional or
physical punishment if she does not comply with her husband’s demands. The threefold self is reflected on the
sensorimotor level because her external physical behaviors reflect her
husband’s ideas, cognitively she must think like her husband and affectively
her feelings are put aside and she must satisfy her husband’s needs. The dominance level is destructive in that it
suppresses the woman and gives power to men to control the relationship and
their own independence.
• The equity model is the next
progression towards unity in which the husband begins to acknowledge his wife’s
rights and ideas. This is the first time the woman is given a voice in the
relationship and is able to disagree with her husband. This level involves a struggle for equal
rights and fairness from both partners.
In this level at times the spouses may agree to disagree in an argument,
and are tolerant of one another’s faults.
In respect to threefold self the equity model allows the husband to
cooperate on a sensorimotor level in doing activities such as chore when asked,
while cognitively the man begins to accept his wife’s reasoning and affectively
he shows respect and care for his spouse.
It must be noted, that at any time a husband may go back to the
dominance model at anytime, or may operate on different levels depending on the
situation. The equity model is reflective of the current trend of relationships
in our present society, and most couples never move past this level of
equality.
• While working through each of these
models a relationship is on a developmental path toward complete unity and
conjunction, which is the unity model. Once the husband has become enlightened
(i.e. he understands the relationship in terms of the afterlife) he will give
up his own ideas and begin is comply with his wife exclusively. The two individuals
now become one, a conjoined self. A
husband operating on the unity level will follow the doctrine of the wife and
allow her final say in all decision making, including his desires and actions. This level prompts the partners to become
intolerant of differences, and every aspect of the relationship is conjoined in
which both strive to agree and satisfy the other. The unity level is possible when the husband
aligns his feelings to match his wife’s and with time is able to predict and
accommodate every ideal his wife desires. On the sensorimotor level the husband
will take action according to his wife’s needs, cognitively his ideas reflect
hers and affectively within the threefold self the husband foresees and
satisfies his wife’s innermost feelings.
Ultimately the husband prefers to do things with his wife’s view in
mind, without exception. Though the husband may fail at times to perform up to
the ideals of the unity model, he must always strive to have the goal of unity
in mind. There is heaven on earth and
into the afterlife when the husband allows his wife’s inner wisdom to lead his
outward intelligence.
d.) My
Table of Behavioral Indicators of a Relationship
|
Behavioral
indicators |
Dominance |
Equity |
Unity |
|
1.
Partners movements are competitive with one another |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
2.
Agreeing on every issue is not important
|
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
3. Denying
partner freedom of privacy is ok |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
4. Partners spend more time with their friends
or family |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
5.
Partners acknowledge cultural role differences |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
6. Going
on separate vacations is allowed |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
7.
Partners are permitted to have in contact with ex’s |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
8.
Partners consult one another when making a decision |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
9.
Punishing or threatening your partner is permitted |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
10. Tradition
governs the relationship |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
11.
Partners feel as though they are no longer individuals |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
12. Female
opinion is secondary to males |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
13. Sex is
primary, while unity is secondary |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
14.
Partners do everything they can to satisfy each other |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
15.
Husband voluntarily submits to wife’s expectations |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
16. One
partner has more wisdom and say than the other |
Yes |
No |
Yes |
|
17. Partners
feel secure in their bond |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
18.
Communication is fundamental to success on union |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
19.
Partners become dissatisfied with each other with age |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
20.
Partners desire happiness |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
e.) Overall the dominance model and equity
model overlapped the most with a 45% overlap, while the overlap of dominance
with unity was only 10%. Interestingly the equity model overlapped with a substantial
35% with the unity model, while all three levels agreed on 10% of the
behavioral indicators. These results
affirm that the unity model is the most unique of the three and the dominance
and equity model are the most similar.
While consideration for each partners needs are taken with both the
unity and equity, the dominance model does not reflect this concept. The
dominance model and equity are most similar because they are pre-unity stages
and partners are operating with independence, not as a union. In class it was
stated that equity is just dominance in disguise, this also might show why they
are so similar. I think that the equity model was slightly similar to the unity
model only because it involves a higher progression towards unity, than the
dominance stage.
f.) A relationship can incorporate Dr.
James’s behavioral indicator chart to assess their relationship status, or
better yet create their own based on their personal issues or situations. By recognizing the contrasting nature of the levels
within the chart, partners can distinguish between the level they are operating
on and what is necessary to be operating on a higher level. For example a couple may answer yes to, “partners
are permitted to have contact with ex’s,” which is true of the dominance and
equity model. The couple may then answer
no to, “partners spend more time with friends and family,” which reflects the
equity and unity model. Upon further analysis
we might conclude that this couple is then working on an equity level in their
marriage. By agreeing with a unity indicator the husband is shown that some things
he does already are conducive with unity, but that there are areas where the
relationship falls into a dominance or equity level. The husband may then read
the chart and think, “my wife is correct and I should not keep in contact with
my ex-girlfriends,” this acknowledgment may lead to a shift in another area,
such as the unity indicator “consulting with wife before decision making.”
The
real like analogies within the chart give the husband situations he can relate to,
as well as physical and emotional guidelines to follow if he hopes to reach the
unity level in his marriage. This chart
and the additional charts presented in Dr. James lecture notes are tools which
a husband and wife can use when setting goals to facilitate the progression of
unity. Interaction patterns within a marriage are exposed when partners
truthfully assess their relationship based on Dr. James’s chart, and can be
beneficial if both partners are willing to strive for the ideals established by
the unity model. Thus a useful application of the chart is to identify and
located the current level of interaction between the partners and assess the
growth of the marriage.
g.) To obtain
more information on behavioral indicators and other pertinent information on
the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James, please access his lecture notes
at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm
The question I am answering is Question 9:
(a) Consider Tables 7a and 7b in the
Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It shows how you can use the ennead chart to identify the level of feeling,
thinking, and acting between married partners. It illustrates the application using
the concept of "happiness." (b) Create two similar tables
using the concepts "being in love" and "being jealous." To
specify the details, think of yourself in a relationship, or some other couple
you know, either real or on TV. (c) Anything else you have to say.
a.) Please read tables from bottom
up
This is Table 7b: By Dr. Leon James
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY
|
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |
|
EQUITY
|
zone
4 |
zone
5 |
zone
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone
1 |
zone
2 |
zone
3 |
b.)
My
Table: “Being in Love”
|
MODEL
THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFO0LD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY
|
zone
7 |
zone
8 cognitive
|
zone
9 |