Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Jenny Kwan
Instructions
for this report are at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I
am answering Questions 3, 6, 7, 12, 14
The Question I am answering is Question
3
A husband and wife seem to get along real
well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with
friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show
disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen
and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in
the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop
cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the
unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the
Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
(a) Explain
why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect
of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.
According
to the lecture notes of the Unity Model of Marriage, a couple who gets along
well together by enjoying the same activities, having fun, and being popular with
friends seems to be in the equity level where their relationship consist of constant
battles between his rights and her rights.
They might seem to be in the unity level in one area but it doesn’t seem
to last because a fight would occur and they will show disrespect and hatred so
therefore, they are not in true unity together.
The threefold self which includes the
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self are the three interacting domains
that operates in every individual. The husband and wife are in unity with their sensorimotor
self (they do things together that involve their physical enjoyment and fun;
enjoying same activities and being popular with friends). They are in the equity level with their
cognitive self (their thinking and reasoning level are not the same in this
situation where a disagreement leads to a fight and resulting in showing
disrespect; they disagree with each other’s opinions). They are in the equity level in their
affective self (they both feel very disrespectful to each other because of
some disagreement and show hatred; they might take turns giving in if they
don’t agree).
Even if the couple are in unity with their
sensorimotor self, they are not considered to be in the unity model altogether
because their cognitive and affective self are only in the equity model. “A couple often interacts at different levels
at different times and in different areas of the relationship.” Only when all three selves are in the unity
model, they are considered to be in true unity.
The situation where the couple can be happy during one period of the day
and then later fights over a disagreement and shows disrespect and hatred for
each other happens because they are not in true unity together. They might like the same activities and enjoy
having fun together, but their minds are not connected into one. To be in true unity, the husband needs to
realize and allow his wife’s inner wisdom to lead his own outward
intelligence.
(b) Discuss how married partners can
reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation
be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as
explained in the Lecture Notes.
Married
partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again by reaching
the unity model. In the unity model,
there would not be any arguments or disagreements because the husband will
automatically know how his wife is feeling and what she is thinking before she
even says anything. When the husband is
ready to become spiritually enlightened from a desire to be conjoined to his
wife eternally, the couple has finally reached the unity model. But this model is very hard to obtain because
the husband might not be willing to enter this stage. To have a couple be in the true unity, the
husband must be willing to do this, or else the couple will be going back and
forth from unity to equity and vice versa.
By reaching the unity model, married partners will not be in a situation
where they are happy for one moment and argue the next because the husband will
always think about his wife first and strive to have his feelings match
hers.
When
a married couple has reached the unity model, the threefold self (their
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self) will also be in unity
together. In the unity model of the
sensorimotor level, the couple will get along fine and enjoy each other’s
company by doing activities they both enjoy such as going out to eat dinner,
watching a movie, holding hands while walking, playing games together,
listening to music, etc. In the unity
model of the cognitive level, the couple will make great effort to learn and
agree with each other’s ideas, opinions, and justifications. The husband will understand her thoughts will
agree to what she wants. In the unity
model of the affective self, the husband is constantly aware of her feelings
and will strive to match his feelings with his wife’s feelings. He is expected to love her, provide her with
needs, and to be loyal to her at all times.
This is also known as the affective conjunction which needs to be
achieved for true unity.
(c) Anything else you have to say.
I
agree with the unity model and I believe that it is the perfect lifestyle for
eternal happiness and peace. I believe
that my boyfriend and I are in the equity model right now in our
relationship. We are in the unity level
of our sensorimotor self because we enjoy spending time with each other doing
activities such as going out for dinner, taking walks on the beach, holding
hands, and even just having conversations together. But our cognitive and affective self is still
in the equity level. We disagree and
fight about certain subjects such as religion (we have different religious
backgrounds) and sometimes I feel that he just doesn’t understand how I feel
about things. Our opinions are different
but when we do agree, we get along pretty well.
I hope to have a future with my boyfriend and I hope that one day he
will come to realize and allow my inner wisdom to lead his outward intelligence. If we reach the unity model, fights and disagreements
won’t occur anymore and that would make me very happy.
The Question I am answering is Question
6
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what
this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of
examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up
yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (e) Calculate the percent overlap. (f)
Discuss what your results show. (g) How can such an approach be expanded to
help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern? (h) Anything else you
have to say.
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models.
Table 6 can be found on this link: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations.
This is Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners
tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal
preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
tolerate status differences between a man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners
insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not
involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven
to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each
partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The
man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When
partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When
partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While
making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married
couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners
never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The
original passion of love decreases as the years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
etc.
(add your own here) |
|
|
|
(b) First explain what this table is trying
to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate
concretely).
Table
6 is trying to show different behaviors of a partner or partners and whether or
not the behavior fits in the dominance, equity, or unity model. By understanding the behavior of the
partner(s), it is decided whether it’s considered to be part of the dominance
model, equity model, unity model, or all three models. It is then marked with a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’
depending on the behavior and model we are looking at.
I
will give two examples from the chart to illustrate my explanation. First example, the behavior is: partners
allowing each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not
involved. Partners with this behavior
would be considered to be in the dominance model or the equity model. So ‘Yes’ for dominance and ‘Yes’ for equity,
but ‘No’ for unity because partners in the unity model would not exclude each
other out on any type of activities.
Everything they do will include each other and exclusion is not
acceptable in this model. Second
example, the behavior is: the man always cooperates with the women’s attempt to
change him. Partners in the dominance
and equity model will not tolerate this type of behavior from their wife, so
therefore, ‘No’ for dominance and ‘No’ for equity, but ‘Yes’ for unity because
in the unity model, the husband’s goal is to make his wife feel comfortable and
to satisfy all her needs and if her need is to change him to make her happier,
he would comply and cooperate.
(c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are.
The
three models are the dominance, equity, and unity model. The dominance model is the level where there
is pure male dominance in the relationship.
It describes the husband’s dominant attitudes towards the wife and how
the wife’s feelings are not much of a concern.
The husband makes all the decisions while the wife acts very
submissively. The equity model is the
level where the wife has some power over the relationship in which decision can
no longer be made without her. However, a
relationship in the equity model is seen as a constant battle between his
rights and her rights. Partners would
often take turns giving in even when they don’t agree. But when partners reach the unity model, they
experience the most happiness because this level is when the husband realizes
he wants to be conjoined together with his wife eternally. He is no longer able to act on his own and
will need his wife’s consult on whatever he does. The husband and wife will become one and will
experience the highest level of happiness and peace in their relationship.
(d) Create a similar table of 20 new items
that you make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns.
Table of Different Behavioral Indicators in Relations with
the Dominance, Equity, and Unity Model
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
The man always makes the household
decisions alone |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners enjoy doing outdoor
activities together and have lots of fun |
Yes
|
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners take turn giving in even
when they don’t agree with each other |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners argue about things they are
not pleased with |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners have total love, trust, and
happiness with each other in their relationship |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners feels inseparatable with
each other and have the need to involve each other in activities they do |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate each other’s
differences and do not wish to change for each other to improve the
relationship |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man blames and insults his wife
for something he feels she is at fault |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
The man will change himself if
something he does makes his wife feel uncomfortable |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to satisfy each other in
their own personal way |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners are always willing to help
each other out in time of a crisis |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners are constantly fighting
about who’s right or wrong |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
The woman feels that her husband is
always trying to force physical intimacy with her |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners don’t feel that it’s
important to inform each other know where they are going or what their plans
are for the day (if not with each other) |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man feels conjoined with his wife
as one person and has afterlife in mind |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The man feels responsible for his
wife’s feelings and actions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are able to tolerate each
other’s flaws even if it makes them feel uncomfortable at times |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man will not give up a fight
which he thinks he’s right until he has won |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners are so blissfully happy
together and doesn’t argue because the husband knows how she is feeling and
thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The man doesn’t allow his wife to do
certain activities without him |
Yes |
No |
No |
(e) Calculate the percent overlap.
The
percentage overlap: The dominance model has a 60% overlap in answers with the
equity model but only a 15% overlap in answers with the unity model. The equity model has a 35% overlap in answers
with the unity model.
(f) Discuss what your results show.
This
percentage overlap shows that the unity model is very different from the dominance
model and somewhat different from the equity model. It shows that the dominance model might have
some behaviors similar to the equity model (60%) but only a small percentage
(15%) of the behaviors can be categorized into the unity model. This is because the dominance model is almost
the complete opposite of the unity model with different goals and behaviors. The equity model has a bit higher percentage
of overlap in answers with the unity model and this might have happened because
the equity model is closer to the unity model compared to the dominance
model. Although there are
distinguishable differences between the equity and unity model, some
similarities can be noticed. For
example, a husband will not be able to make decisions alone without his wife in
the equity and unity model. Also,
partners in the equity and unity model will help each other out in time of a
crisis. Being in the equity model is one
step closer to reaching the unity model.
(g) How can such an approach be expanded to
help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern?
There
should be a list of behaviors that belong to the dominance model, a list of
behaviors that belong to the equity model, and a list of behaviors that belong
to the unity model. Couples should look
at these three lists so they can be aware of their interaction patterns and see
which model they fit in. Couples who fit
into the dominance model will hopefully realize (by reading the list of
behaviors in their level) that this model is not acceptable (especially for the
wife). This might help the wife rebel
and have their husband move up to the equity model. Husbands who are in the equity model will
hopefully realize and be enlightened (by reading the list of behaviors in the
unity model) that being in unity with his wife is what she has been longing
for. Couples need to be aware of their
interaction patterns to fully understand and realize that the unity model
creates a perfect marriage for them.
(h) Anything else you have to say.
I
believe that it’s important for couples to understand and be aware of their
interactions with each other especially if they are in the lower levels
(dominance or equity) because it might help them move up to the next
level. Those in the unity model will
appreciate each other even more and the love will grow deeper and deeper as the
years goes by.
The Question I am answering is Question
7
(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and
Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and
discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men
and women. (b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing
each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the unity model in
the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote
to her. (c) How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is your evaluation of
it? (d) Anything else you have to say.
(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and
Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing its perspective, and
discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men
and women.
Laura C. Schlessinger wrote the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands which
basically explains the husbands’ and wives’ role in a marriage and what is
expected of them to have a happy marriage.
Throughout the entire book, she writes about her callers from her talk
show, both male and female, who have issues about their husbands or wives and
Dr. Laura “helps” them with their problems.
Although Dr. Laura is a woman, she has very traditional views about
marriage. She believes that the husband
is the breadwinner and the wife should do whatever she can to cater to her
husband. Dr. Laura believes that it’s
the women’s responsibility to change for their husbands because it will lead to
the betterment of their marriage. She
strongly does not believe that the man should change themselves because it’s
the women’s fault if their husband is not happy. This is basically Dr. Laura’s philosophy of
relationship between husbands and wives.
One of Dr. Laura’s beliefs is that a woman
is always trying to control the husband by nagging them. Because men don’t like to take orders, women
should just keep quiet even if they are uncomfortable with something. She suggests the “reward system” in which the
wife should use positive reinforcement every time the husband does something
for her such as taking out the trash. If
she does this, the husband will be more willing to help out and will feel
wanted. Dr. Laura also has a strong
belief that wives disregards and feels insensitive to their husband’s feeling. Because of this, men feel that their feelings
and needs are not important. This type
of “gender abuse” may cause the husband pain and this may led to him having
affairs. According to Dr. Laura, men are
“simple creatures” who just needs to feel wanted and loved from the wife and if
he doesn’t receive the feeling of being loved it justifies him for having an
affair.
Dr. Laura’s perspective on the relationship
between men and women is very traditional.
Women have to look good for their husband everyday and have sex with
them whenever he needs it to satisfy his sexual desires. Women needs to reward their husband with hugs
and kisses to tell him how much she appreciates him for working hard. Men, on the other hand, are the breadwinners
and need their emotional needs met by their wives by feeling reassured and
loved. They don’t like to be nagged and
functions better on the “reward system”.
So basically, the women need to do all that she can to please their man,
but the men don’t need to do anything and gets loved by their women.
(b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the
husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold
self. Use the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold
self of the husbands that wrote to her.
Quote #1: “I am saying that for a good,
healthy relationship, there is nothing wrong with us making love at least three
times a week.” (Jerry, pg. 23) In this conversation, Jerry, 56 years old, is
complaining that his wife, Tina, is not having enough sex with him. Jerry is in the dominance model of his
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self.
He feels that Tina should have sex with him even when she doesn’t “feel”
like having it. He doesn’t understand
how she feels about not wanting to have sex and only want to satisfy his own
needs. Tina explains that she is tired a
lot due to her work but she probably doesn’t want to have sex because he has done
something to bad to her. According to
the Unity Model of Marriage, the wife can never feel tired about having sex
because she is always in a desire for it unless the husband had hurt her in
some way or have done something wrong to her.
Quote #2: “I want to be acknowledged for
being the breadwinner and making sure that we are all well taken care of.” (Evan, pg. 31) In this conversation, Evan feels that his
wife is making him feel like he’s a child who needs to be reminded over and
over again about something that needs to be done. He feels that his wife is not appreciating
him for being the breadwinner of the household and that she is not treating him
like her “man”. Even is in the dominance
model of his sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self. He wants to be the one his family gives
credit to because he is the breadwinner even though his wife is the one who is
actually taking care of the family. Evan
and his wife are separated in their thinking and in their feeling and can not
be conjoined into one if doesn’t change his way of thinking.
Quote #3: “I would be much more willing to
do the chores she wants me to do if I got some show of appreciation for doing
them.” (Charlie, pg. 45) Charlie feels that he needs to be appreciated
in order for him to be willing to so chores around the house. He needs the “reward system” to be implanted
in which the wife gives him a hug, kiss, or compliment every time he does
something nice. Charlie is showing to be
in the equity model of his sensorimotor self because will do chores if he’s
told even though he doesn’t want to. But
Charlie is showing to be in the dominance model of his cognitive and affective
self because he is too obsessed into thinking that he needs to feel
appreciated, but doesn’t consider his wife’s feelings and what she thinks. According to the lecture notes on the Unity
Model of Marriage, a couple can be at different levels at different times, but
this doesn’t lead to the unity model unless the man is willing to change.
Quote #4: “All I know is that the husband
who has a wife who supports him and praises him for the positive things he does
is the envy of all the other men who have to live with criticism, sarcasm, and
constant reminders of their failures.” (
Quote #5: “The drawback is that wives
believe they have little responsibility to also consider how their husbands
feel.” (Chris, pg. 65) Chris believes that over time, a lot of
attention have been placed on men being sensitive and understanding toward
women. But Chris believes that women
should take responsibility over men’s feelings as well. If Chris really believes that women don’t
consider men’s feelings, he belongs to the dominance model of his cognitive and
affective self. He doesn’t know that
women do always think about their man’s feelings. When wives ask, “What are you thinking?” to
their husbands, this is showing that they care and want to understand their husband’s
feelings. And more than enough, wives
ask their significant other this question a lot and what is their
response? “Nothing,” is their answer. Most times, they think that their wives are
nagging them and don’t like it.
Quote #6: “Men, whether husbands or
bachelors, do not share their thoughts and feelings as readily as women.” (Lloyd, pg. 78) Lloyd feels that there is no need to bother
others of his feelings because he would just deal with them himself. So why is it that men are always complaining
that women don’t understand their feelings when in fact, they won’t want to
express them to begin with. How can they
expect their wives to understand when they don’t say a thing at all? Lloyd is coming form the dominance model
where he feels he can do everything himself.
He is in sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective dominance in his
marriage because according to what he said, he makes all the decisions and
doesn’t consult anyone of them. If he
doesn’t even express his feelings which are so intimate, he probably doesn’t
want to discuss anything else with his significant other.
Quote #7: “For me it is to FEEL in my heart
that someone truly cares for me and loves me; that I am immensely important to
her.” (Bill, pg. 90) Bill was asked what men want from their wives
and this was his answer. If Bill feels
that his wife is important to him just as how she feels that he is important to
her, I believe that Bill can be in the unity model with his wife. Being in love and truly caring for one another
no matter what is being in cognitive and affective unity. He also adds that more than anything, he
wants to make her happy because of all the love and caring and feeding she
gives to him. Bill’s sensorimotor self
is also in unity with his wife because he wants to make her happy. If a couple feel this way about each other,
they can reach the unity model in their marriage.
Quote #8: “Forgiveness is the key to any
successful relationship, in marriage or out, and sometimes you should give it
if it is deserved or not.” (Jeff, pg.
100) Jeff believes that women need to
understand that they will do dumb things once in a while and that wives should
forgive them for it even though they don’t deserve it. Jeff is in the dominance model of his
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self because he believes that he can
control his wife to forgive him even when he thinks he shouldn’t be
forgiven. He is not giving her a choice
of whether or not he should be forgiven; rather she has to forgive him because
it is the key to a successful relationship.
Jeff is being dominant in his relationship by not letting his
significant other speak for herself.
Quote #9: “One thing I find very
frustrating is when my wife insists on digging out an answer or opinion when
I’m not ready to talk - or I haven’t figured out how to word the issue/opinion
without her personalizing it.” (Roberto,
pg. 109) Roberto is feeling that his
wife is not letting him think nonverbally.
He doesn’t wish to express what is feeling when his is not “ready” to
talk about it. Roberto is in the
dominance model of his threefold self.
His wife cares for him and would like to discuss what he is thinking but
he is refusing her the talk and complains that it is frustrating. He clearly doesn’t understand how his wife is
feeling or thinking and finds her irritating.
He is not letting himself be emotionally intimate with his wife and is
therefore in the dominant level of his marriage.
Quote #10: “Guys have a natural and deep
desire to be with a woman who cares enough about herself to look good for her
mate.” (Ralph, pg. 125) Ralph believes that his wife is not taking
care of her looks soon after they got married.
He wishes that his wife would fix herself up, put on something nice, and
be sweet. According to what Ralph
believes in, he is in the dominance model of his threefold self. He is trying to control his wife by making
her feel like she needs to look good for her husband. But what exactly is the husband doing to look
good for his wife? Most times, it’s
nothing. They expect something good but
don’t do anything in return when they receive it. Ralph is thinking about what he wants only
and doesn’t seem to consider what his wife wants.
(c) How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and
what is your evaluation of it?
I do not agree with Dr. Laura’s approach of
dealing with problems between husbands and wives. Because she is so traditional, she only sees
one side of the sexes - the male’s side and tends to agree with them. I do not agree with her idea that the women
should always be the ones to change for their man. I think it should be equal; they should both
change for each other and compromise without arguing. Also, why should women be the ones catering
to their husbands all the time? Being
the breadwinner of the house is not a good enough reason for me. Wives are always the partner doing chores
around the house and taking care of the children. Is that not as important to the family? Dr. Laura doesn’t seem to understand that
women’s needs are just as important as the men’s needs because her ideas are so
biased.
Throughout the entire book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,
there was not one idea from Dr. Laura that I agree with. This is because she doesn’t take into account
the wife’s perspective of the situation.
She is too busy blaming women of their faults for making their husbands
unhappy. She doesn’t want to believe
that sometimes it could be the husband’s fault that the couple is unhappy. Some of her ideas I found to be very ridiculous. For example, Dr. Laura believes that women
are not communicating with their husbands but are instead using them as
girlfriends. Just because women expect
their husbands to pay attention to them when they talk, it doesn’t mean that
they think of their spouse as their girlfriends! She also thinks that men are overwhelmed with
communication from their wives. What
kind of marriage has no communication?
Dr. Laura doesn’t justify her ideas in a way that I can understand. This book was difficult for me to read because
I am very against her biased ideas.
The
Question I am answering is Question 12
(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the
media – soaps, comedy, drama. (b) Select at least three programs for which you
can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each
show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to
having a successful marriage. (c) Now describe the affective, cognitive, and
sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. (d) What are your reactions to
these observations? (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions
are portrayed so often? (f) What might be the consequences for couples and
society? (g) Anything else you have to say.
(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the
media – soaps, comedy, drama.
Table 9 can be found on this link: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations
This is
Table 9
1.
Living
together unmarried
2.
Having
children out of wedlock
3.
Making
each other jealous on purpose
4.
Adultery
for various reasons
5.
Promiscuity
and bi-sexuality
6.
Sexy
dressing for men other than one's partner
7.
Having
a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for
certain things
8.
Having
a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition
for certain things
9.
Same
sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as
retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities
accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through
deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to
"agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should
not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only
entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are
more important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more
rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are
generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to
exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to
abuse women
21. Making it look normal for a man to
have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving
men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say
and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does
not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to
her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings
are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
(b) Select at least three programs for which you can watch
several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to
illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to having a
successful marriage.
I love to watch the comedy, Friends, which consists of six close friends -
Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey,
In another episode that I saw titled, The One Where Ross & Rachel Take a
Break, Rachel and Ross had planned to celebrate their anniversary together but
Rachel wasn’t able to get off work on their anniversary night. Ross decided to bring the celebration to her
office with a picnic basket and candles.
Rachel was so busy on phone trying to seal a contract agreement that she
was not able to see that Ross was trying to save their anniversary night. Rachel gets upset at Ross for bringing
disturbance to her workplace and asked him to leave her office. They both meet back at Rachel’s place where
they start a big fight. Ross argues that
Rachel doesn’t have time for him anymore because of her job but Rachel is upset
at Ross for not understanding that her job is very important to her. Out of anger, Rachel decides that she wants a
break from the relationship. Ross
leaves, goes out for a drink at a club, and ends up sleeping with another
woman. Rachel and Ross’s relationship
ends soon after Rachel found out.
In the episode, The One Hundredth, Monica makes
In the Korean drama titled, I’m
Sorry, I Love You, it
displays some anti-unity values that I have noticed. In this sad Korean drama, the main characters
are Cha Moo-Hyuk and Song Eun-Chae who slowly came to love each other. Moo-Hyuk loves Eun-Chae but because of his
need to seek revenge against his mother who he thinks abandoned him, his plan
is to seduce his half-brother’s girlfriend.
This is an anti-unity value because Moo-Hyuk believes that his revenge
is more important than his love for Eun-Chae and deceives her until the end. In a couple of scenes, Moo-Hyuk would also
call Eun-Chae names such as “Knucklehead” so that he would feel superior to
her. This is to tease her and make fun
of her in a way he thinks is funny. The
anti-unity values portrayed in this drama keeps Moo-Hyuk and Eun-Chae from
being in unity together.
In another Korean drama titled, Full
House, there were many anti-unity values that were displayed. First off, the two main characters, Lee
Young-jae and Han Ji-eun, lived together even though they were not a married
couple. Although they did not fall in
love until later on in the drama, they lived together in the same house with
Ji-eun being Young-jae's housekeeper.
Young-jae was very dominant towards Ji-eun, making her do all the chores
such as cleaning the bathroom, doing his laundry, and cooking him dinner. He would often call her his "rice
cooker" and demanded her to cook him rice whenever he was hungry. He once said that the only thing she was good
at was cooking for him. This made Ji-eun
very furious and hurt. He knew he was hurting
her in many ways but found it very hard to apologize to her because he believes
he doesn't need to. Young-jae loves
Ji-eun but doesn't realize it until she leaves him. All these AUVs had prevented Young-jae and
Ji-eun to realize that they truly love each other.
In Full House, the AUVs are: 1)
Young-jae and Ji-eun living together even though they were not married, 2)
Young-jae being dominant toward Ji-eun by controlling her, 3) Young-jae
degrading Ji-eun by calling her names such as "rice cooker", 4)
Young-jae feeling that his needs and feelings are important and should be met
first, and 5) Young-jae apologizing in meaningless ways because he can. Although Young-jae loves Ji-eun, he doesn't
realize that these AUVs are harmful in a relationship and should be avoided to
achieve unity in a marriage/relationship.
(c) Now describe the affective, cognitive,
and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions.
The sensorimotor self of the interactions
mentioned from the characters of the three different television programs are
considered to be in the dominance or unity model. In Friends,
The cognitive self of the interactions
mentioned from the characters of the three different television programs are
considered to be in the dominance or equity model. In Friends,
The affective self of the interactions
mentioned from the characters of the three different television programs are
considered to be in the equity or unity model.
In Friends, Monica and
(d) What are your reactions to these
observations?
As I was writing section c, I realized that
it is almost impossible to recognize characters from a television program that
belongs to the unity model in their sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective
self. Some characters can be in the
unity model of their sensorimotor self and in equity of their cognitive and
affective self, but rarely have I noticed a couple in true unity of their
threefold self. I believe that this is
probably true in real life as well. I
think that it is very hard for men to be willing to be in true unity with their
significant other when they have to give up so much of their freedom. Men are either scared or unwilling to do
this, even for the woman of their life, because it means losing so much. Because we have modernized so much, I believe
that most couples we see are in the equity model.
(e) What is your explanation as to why
these interactions are portrayed so often?
The interactions of the AUVs that I have
mentioned are portrayed so often because couples don’t realize that the AUVs
are harmful for the relationship. I
believe that living together unmarried, for example, is an AUV because
statistic have shown that most cases couples who cohabitate together do not
eventually get married to each other.
Living together is a risk couples are taking that can harm the
relationship. Male dominance is
portrayed so often because it is seen everyday where men control their
women. Men are the breadwinners (or the
sex who makes more money) and women take care of chores around the house and
cares for the children. Because it
happens in real life, television shows tend to entertain us with the same
idea.
(f) What might be the consequences for
couples and society?
The consequence for couples who continue to
practice AUVs is that they will never be able to achieve unity with their
spouse. If the society doesn’t learn
about the unity model of marriage, there will not be any couple who can truly
be happy with their marriage. I don’t
think that couples can be truly happy being in the equity model because it’s
just constant battle and struggle between who is right/wrong and taking turns
giving in even when you don’t want to.
Only pure happiness can be obtained when a couple can unite together in
the unity model. But because it has to
be voluntary on the husband’s part, wives need to be patient and wait until he
becomes spiritually enlightened to conjoin with her eternally and that’s when
they feel totally stable, happy, and wise.
The
Question I am answering is Question 14
(a) Describe the unity model in relation to
the eternal significance of marriage and the mental state of the couple's
threefold self (b) Describe any resistance you experience regarding the unity
model, including (i) the idea of unity as a higher state of life than all
others (ii) the eternal significance of marriage (iii) Swedenborg's
observations of marriages in heaven. (c) Describe the reactions of friends when
you tell them about the unity model and marriages in heaven. (d) Anything else
you have to say.
(a) Describe the unity model in relation to
the eternal significance of marriage and the mental state of the couple's threefold
self
The unity model of marriage is the highest
state in life human couples can reach where they are stable, happy, wise,
productive, and useful. This state can
only be achieved when the husband allows his wife’s inner wisdom to lead his
outward intelligence. The husbands needs
to be willing to achieve this state and can only occur when he is spiritually
enlightened to conjoin with his wife eternally.
A couple in the unity model of their sensorimotor self enjoys having fun
doing activities together such as watching movies, eating dinner, holding
hands, walking together on the beach, kissing, having conversations together,
and much more. They do not exclude the
other partner out on anything because it’s not acceptable in the unity
model. A couple in the unity model of
their cognitive self will always strive to agree with each other’s opinions and
justifications. There is no such thing
as an argument because the husband will always make things right between them
by knowing and understanding what his wife is thinking before she says
anything.
The affective conjunction is the inmost phase
that a wife wants and needs the most in the unity model of her marriage. The wife has a desire to be first in her
husband’s mind but this is not considered being selfish because all she wants
is to be in perfect unity with her husband.
A husband in the unity model of his affective self will always strive to
align his feelings and desires so that it will match his wife’s feelings. His first concern will always be his wife’s
feelings and will do anything to make her happy and motivated. He will love her for her affections and
wisdom more than his own because he will trust her completely with himself. The affective conjunction can only be
achieved when the two lower model are abandoned.
(b) Describe any resistance you experience
regarding the unity model, including (i) the idea of unity as a higher state of
life than all others (ii) the eternal significance of marriage (iii)
Swedenborg's observations of marriages in heaven.
I believe that the idea of unity being a
higher state of life than all others sounds so perfect. But the only problem is that not much couple
will be able to experience this type of unity because it is too difficult and
most men still like to dominate. As much
as I would love to experience unity with my future husband (hopefully, it will
be my current boyfriend), I don’t think I will be able to because I know that my
boyfriend will not want to accept the idea that he can no longer choose to act
on his own. He will not be willing to
give up his independence even though he loves me a lot. But I really do think that being in unity is
the only way couples can be truly happy together. I know for a fact that couples don’t enjoy
arguing with each other and if they realize that being in unity solves
everything, there will be no arguments.
I truly believe that being in unity is the highest state of life humans
can experience where they are stable, happy, and wise together.
Because I’m not very religious, I’m not
sure about the eternal significance of marriage. I don’t know if there if marriage or love
will last forever even after death. It
is hard for me to believe sometimes because I can’t imagine how it will be when
life comes to an end. If love does exist
and continues on eternally after death, couples can continue to live in unity
in the afterlife of heaven. Regardless
of my lack of religious faith, I do like the idea of being re-united in the
heaven with my significant other and hope that when the time does come, heaven
will have a spot saved for us.
Swedenborg’s observation of marriages in
heaven was that one must possess both goodness and truth in them in order to be
called upon to heaven. The basic
foundation of his idea of conjugial love is that wisdom and love unite a
husband and wife together in their marriage.
Therefore, being in true conjugial love means having a heavenly marriage
in which both partners have goodness and truth within themselves. I believe that heaven does exist, but what I
am unsure about is that how can we know that there is such a thing as “marriage
in heaven’? How does one get married on
heaven? Do they marry the same person as
they did on earth? What happens if one
spouse passes away earlier than the other?
Does he/she wait for them to go to heaven and then become married
again? Because of my uncertainty and
abundant of questions, I am prevented from accepting the idea about marriages
in heaven.
(c) Describe the reactions of friends when
you tell them about the unity model and marriages in heaven.
I explained the unity model of marriage to
my boyfriend and his first reaction was that the unity model was the opposite
of the dominance model where the wife is able to take control of the
husband. He doesn’t like the idea of
losing all his independence and he doesn’t understand how he is suppose to just
“know” how I am feeling without me saying anything. He has enough trouble with that now. He does agree with some concepts, though,
such as how being in unity will make us a more stable and happy couple. He was also able to understand that my inner
wisdom is what he needs because I’m important to him in his life. My boyfriend is a very religious person and
he really agrees with the idea of marriage in heaven. He is very worried about me because he thinks
that if I don’t believe in God and heaven, we will not be able to re-unite in
the afterlife of heaven. He is always
trying to preach me to become a strong believer like him.
I also explained the unity model of
marriage to my sister and her reaction was that this level is very hard to
achieve, especially with the men she knows.
She comments that men like to be in control and that they will not feel
masculine (“like a man”) if they were not.
But she does hope that her boyfriend will be willing to be in unity with
her someday. She believes that being in
true unity can satisfy both partners in the marriage/relationship because they
will be so happy with each other and the love can last forever. Being in a serious relationship now, my
sister is trying to explain this model to her boyfriend (which she hopes to
marry someday). She also believes in a
place called heaven and being re-united in heaven if one waits for the
other. Her imagination of heaven is a
place so pure that only people who have goodness in their hearts can enter.
(d) Anything else you have to say.
I really hope that my boyfriend will come
to realize that being in true unity with our threefold self is the one way we
can be truly happy together. Our love
for each other is very strong and I believe that one day he will experience the
spiritual enlightenment. We do things
together that involve physical enjoyment and make each other happy (unity in sensorimotor
self), we have differences in opinions which we discuss but sometimes leads to
arguments (equity in cognitive self), and we usually give in to each other even
though we feel the other is wrong just to remain peace and stop arguing (equity
in the affective self). So in my
relationship with my boyfriend, we need to work on our cognitive and affective
self to the next level. I have
confidence in my boyfriend that we can achieve unity together in the future
because we do truly love each other always and forever.
My Report on the Current
Generation
Tiffany Lee completed her first oral
presentation on January 18, 2005 from the book, Before Marriage and After Marriage, by
Peter M. Buss, Introduction and Chapter 1.
Her presentation was on the concept of Conjugial Love which is the most
beautiful love in a marriage. This type
of love describes the unity and oneness between man and woman and is known to
come from God. Conjugial Love fulfills
dreams of a perfect love because it is so pure and meaningful. Tiffany questions the belief of having a
happy marriage if she believes in the Lord and his creation. She believes that marriage is a coming
together of two separate beings but is unsure if the Lord can really create
conjugial love. I agree with Tiffany’s
views on the question of conjugial love and marriage in heaven. This content agrees with the content from
question 14 of my report in which I explained my resistance for eternal
marriage in heaven.
Michelle Ching completed her first oral
presentation on February 1, 2005 from the book, Gender & Discourse, by Deborah Tannen, pages 31-47. Her presentation was about linguistic
strategies and how they can show dominance and solidarity at the same
time. The two strategies that she
decided to explain was indirectness and silence versus volubility. Indirectness is used mostly by women and the
generalization that most people make is that women’s language is powerless
because of their indirectness. In
silence versus volubility, men who dominate are the powerful people who does
all the talking while the powerless people, the women, are silent. Michelle believes that the use of linguistic
strategies is unclear as to whether it is dominant or solidarity. Contents, conversational styles, and the
interactions of their style with each other need to be considered when trying
to understand how speakers use language.
I agree with Michelle’s ideas because you can’t understand a speaker’s
linguistic use until everything else is considered.
Tawny Antonio completed her second oral
presentation on February 22, 2005 from the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura C.
Schlessinger, pages 55-67. Her
presentation was about Dr. Laura’s idea that women nag too much and how they try
to micromanage the family. This
presentation ends with how wives disregard their husband’s feelings. Tawny believes that sometimes women to tend
to nag a bit with their husband when they want something to be done but she
doesn’t agree with the idea of “gender abuse”.
But Dr. James believes that “nagging” is very discriminative and
shouldn’t be used. I agree with Dr.
James because I think that wanting something done to remove the uncomfortable
feeling is what my boyfriend should do for me without having to be reminded
over again. I don’t agree with Dr. Laura’s
ideas because she doesn’t justify them with valid examples. This content agrees with the content from
question 7 in which I explain about Dr. Laura’s traditional views about men and
women in marriage.
Advice to Future
Generations
To succeed in Dr. James Psychology 409b
class (The Unity Model of Marriage), you should always follow directions
EXACTLY and carefully, keep up with the readings, and do not procrastinate on
the outlines and reports. Because the
reports are long and require a lot of thinking and writing, it is best not to
wait until the last minute. Start early,
follow through, ask questions when needed, and you will have no problem
completing the work efficiently.
I have learned so much in this class about
the Unity Model of Marriage. I strongly
do think that this class should be taken by every psychology and non-psychology
majors because it is such an interesting and useful class in which you can
actually learn about relationships. What
we learn can actually be applied to our own life and that is why I’m so glad I
decided to take this course. I also
improved a lot on my public speaking skills by doing three oral
presentations. Overall, this class opened
my mind to a new perspective on marriage and I hope that everyone else who will
take this class agrees with me.
Class Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm
My Home Page: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/home.htm