Report 2:
My Understanding
of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Kalena Luney
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
The Question I am answering is
Question 1
It is sometimes
wrongly asserted that men have less feelings than
women. (a) Show that this is not true by discussing the threefold self and the
role of the affective in relation to the cognitive and sensorimotor. (b)
Illustrate your argument with examples that come from (i) your personal life
and (ii) from the media. (c) Do men and women have the same awareness of (i)
their own feelings and (ii) their partner’s feelings—how do they differ? (d)
How does this difference affect the dynamics and progress of the relationship?
(e) Anything else you have to say.
It is sometimes wrongly asserted that men have less feelings than women.
This is a huge misconception. It
is not that women feel more than men, or that men are lacking in feelings and
emotions. It is simply that the two
sexes have different ways of expressing themselves due to traits they are
innately born with. I will defend this
view with explanations of how the affective self, the cognitive self, and the
sensorimotor self play very different roles in the behavior of men and women.
(a) Each person, man or woman, has three
components that make up how we act, think and feel. These are: 1) the affective self, which guides our feelings; 2) the cognitive self, which
takes our feelings and converts them into thoughts; and 3) the sensorimotor
self, which takes our thoughts and turns them into actions. The affective self is the deepest
level. It governs our desires and
motivations to satisfy our primary needs.
The cognitive self then guides those desires to achieve some goal
through justification. The sensorimotor
self is the act of achieving that goal.
As Dr. James states in his Unity Model, “What we do and say is the
result of what we think, which is the result of how we feel.” Our affective self and cognitive self
combined are responsible for what we physically do. This reciprocity is called the Three-fold
Self.
(b) One can describe this phenomenon in simple,
as well as complex, situations. For
example, you may feel thirsty.
Unconsciously, you may be aware of a dry throat, or your body may be
telling your brain you are dehydrated.
This would be the affective self.
The cognitive self turns this into a thought. Now you think about drinking a glass of
water. The sensorimotor self then takes
that thought and turns it into an action, such as, walking to the kitchen and
filling up a glass with water and drinking it.
In a more complex example, we can consider the relationship between a
man and woman. A woman may feel lonely
in the absence of her husband (affective).
She thinks that she will go help him with his project in the garage
(cognitive). She walks out to the garage
and they work on the project together (sensorimotor). She may not have been consciously aware that
she felt lonely, however, that feeling alerted the
cognitive self to think of her husband out in the garage.
(c) Having made that distinction, it is important
to point out that men and women do not have the same awareness of their
partner’s feelings, much less their own.
Women tend to be more aware of their feelings than men do. Women also tend to be more aware of men’s
feelings then they are themselves. There
is a different motivation that guides women to be aware of their feelings and
desires than that motivation that guides men.
Women also make a point to be aware of their partner’s feelings as well
as their own, in order to further the relationship. This absolutely does not mean that men feel
less then women. Men react and respond
to stimuli and feelings much in the same way that women do, they simply do not
have the same motivation that drives them to try to know and completely
understand every single thing they feel or that their partner feels.
(d) This motivation comes from the innate desire
of a woman to conjoin with her husband.
The women will push her husband to become more aware of his feelings,
while he resists her pushing him. This
puts pressure on the relationship. The
wife may get upset that her husband isn’t conscious of how she feels, and the
husband may get frustrated that he’s expected to know how she feels all the
time. This can cause progress of the
relationship to come to a halt if both parties involved do not take the time to
understand how one another feels.
(e) I think that it is important to mention here
that these differences in men and women are directly related to the three-fold
self. Each sex functions very
differently and perhaps there are certain distinctions between how the
three-fold self is applied in men and in women.
What I think is most important, however, is that we try to understand
these differences as equals, not as shortcomings.
The Question
I am answering is Question 3
A husband and wife seem to get along real
well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with
friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show
disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen
and what its cause is. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in
the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop
cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the
unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the
Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
When a husband and wife seem to get along real well
together, enjoying the same activities and having fun, it is a surprise when
they have a fight over some disagreement and show disrespect and hatred for one
another. How do we explain this? Using the unity model of marriage, I plan to
provide an explanation for this, as well as a solution, so that it never occurs
again.
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD
SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
|
|
|
|
READ FROM
BOTTOM UP
There
are two factors that come into play in a relationship between a man and a
woman. First, there is the three-fold
self. The three-fold self is made up of
the affective self (one’s motivations and feelings), the cognitive self (one’s
thoughts), and the sensorimotor self (external, physical behavior). These align with the three levels of the
unity model of marriage. The dominance
level is where one or both of the people in the relationship struggle for
control. The equity level is where both
members of the relationship consult one another for their joint life. And the ultimate goal, the
unity level, where no consultation is needed because the feelings of the
husband and the wife are in alignment.
When
these two factors are aligned, the husband and wife experience conjunction on
all levels. They enjoy the same
activities and have fun doing the same things in sensorimotor conjunction. They agree and are able to talk things out,
share ideas and beliefs in cognitive conjunction. And in affective conjunction, the man aligns
his desires with his wife’s’. A husband
and wife will experience these three levels of conjunction in each level of
their relationship. Only when they reach
an affective conjunction at the unity level will they achieve the ultimate
unity in their marriage.
(a)
So, how do we explain why a husband and wife now regard each other with hatred
and disgust after a disagreement when they seemed to really enjoy doing things
together? It seems they were in the
dominance level, or maybe even equity level of their relationship, where they
are still struggling for control or competition. At the sensorimotor level, all was well. They enjoyed doing things together. However, there was still some conflict in
their opinions. This suggests that they
had not reached that cognitive conjunction at the equity level yet because they
could not talk their disagreement out or come to some common conclusion. They have obviously not established unity
because a couple in unity cannot feel hostility
towards one another.
This
turnabout is common at this stage in a relationship. The man often prefers to go back to the
dominance stage because he wants to resist giving up his independent thoughts
and beliefs. It is his choice at this point
to start compromising and start making decisions based on the couple, not just
himself. If he chooses to do this, the
husband and wife are able to move on to a higher level relationship
(b) It is at this point that the husband and wife
have the potential to create a marriage at the unity level. This happens when the man becomes
enlightened, by recognizing that he wants to be with his wife eternally into
the afterlife. Once he does this, he
accepts that he and his wife are one conjoint self. He is half of her, and she is half of
him. If he does this, he and his wife
are conjoined and his ideas are hers. No
arguments or disagreements can arise because they will now have the same
feelings, thoughts, and courses of action.
(c) This is not an overnight transition. It can take years, even decades, to achieve
this level of unity. It is a long, hard
road. But when all is said and done, the
husband and wife will be together for eternity.
The
Question I am answering is Question 6
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes,
which is in the Section on Making
Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's
Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b)
First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give
a couple of examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for
what the three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you
make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent
overlap. (e) Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to help couples be more aware of their
interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you have to say.
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners tolerate role differences, either
culturally defined or by personal preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate some disagreements as
something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate status differences
between a man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners insist on exclusivity so that
neither may carry on close friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other privacy or
separate activities that the other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners believe themselves to be married
in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner is tolerant of some of the
other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man always cooperates with the
woman's attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When partners disagree they negotiate to
reach a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When partners disagree the man gives in
to the woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners can't stand being separated even
for a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are mutually interdependent and
complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners have total confidence in each
other, feeling free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners never try to punish each other
or retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While making seating choices for guests
at a wedding, splitting up the married couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners assume responsibility for each other's
feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other to have
incompatible opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and
admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The original passion of love decreases
as the years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
etc. (add your own here) |
|
|
|
(a) This table is trying to show how different everyday
actions relate to the dominance, equity, and unity levels. For example, for the statement “Partners
allow each other privacy and separate activities that the other is not involved
in”, dominance was marked “yes”, equity was marked “yes”, and unity was marked
“no”. A couple at the unity level would
be involved with each other and would not do separate, private activities
because they are half of one another. A
couple at the equity or dominance level, however, may do separate activities,
or allow each other privacy, because they are still separate minds. Another example is the statement, “The man
always cooperates with the woman’s attempts to change him.” In the dominance and equity levels, this is
false. The man would resist the woman
changing him because he would want to keep his independent ideas. At the unity levels, the man allows the woman
to change him because his feelings are aligned with hers and he now wants what
she wants.
(b) The three models depicted in this table are
the foundation upon which the unity model is built. At the dominance level, partners are not
always in agreement, often have conflicting views, and may argue about their
differences. At the equity level, the
partners may still be in disagreement, but they can talk out their
differences. They may sometimes even
adopt one another’s ideas and beliefs.
At the unity level, the partners have mutual respect for one another and
they hold the same beliefs and ideas.
(c) SEE TABLE BELOW
|
Kalena Luney’s Behavioral Indicators of One’s Relationship Model |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Planning separate
activities |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Making plans together |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Maintaining
attraction and love through life |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Arguing about what
movie to watch, where to eat…etc |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Anniversaries,
birthdays, important dates are forgotten |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man agrees with
the woman’s way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Allowing feelings of jealousy
to enter one another’s mind |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Feelings and thoughts
are in alignment |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Woman changes to push
relationship to next level |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Man and woman
struggle for control and competition |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Take responsibility
for each other’s feelings |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Conversation and
sexual intimacy becomes boring |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Ideas and beliefs
differ, but are able to discuss them |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Try to make one
another happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Give up family,
friends, work…etc. for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Both believe in their
marriage in heaven |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Consider one another
in all decisions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Consider one another
in some decisions |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Plan “girls only” or
“boys only” activities |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Need to share their
life together with others |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Share all things |
No |
No |
Yes |
(d)
Overlap between dominance
model and equity model:
95%
Overlap between equity model
and unity model: 15%
Overlap between dominance
model and unity model: 15%
(e) The overlap
between models gives us an indication of how they can be related. It seems, and is proven with the percentage,
that the dominance and equity models are very similar. It is between the equity model and unity
model that some change needs to take place in order for the relationship to
proceed.
Behaviors
in the dominant level are generally concerned with the woman giving in to the
man. She changes her beliefs, actions,
and ideas to be more in sync with his.
She does this because the woman is born with an innate need to conjoin with
her husband. By agreeing with his ways,
she is pushing the relationship into the equity model.
In
the equity model, a woman starts to “put her foot down.” She starts asking for some equality in the
relationship. She gives a little, he
gives a little. Partners in this level
can disagree about things, but they generally are able to talk it out and
discuss it. It is in this model that the
man must make a change.
The
unity model requires that the man become enlightened. In this case, enlightened refers to a man
realizing that his marriage is eternal and to want it. He must conjoin his feelings with his
wife’s’. He must take on her ideas,
beliefs, desires, and actions. They now
think and feel the same things, thus “uniting” them. Arguments and struggles now cease to exist
because they are functioning as one person, and you can’t argue with yourself.
(f) This type of approach would be very helpful
for couples interested in knowing how their actions reveal where they are in a
relationship. One can evaluate their own
relationship just using everyday actions and behaviors (as in the table
above). This can be used to analyze and
improve your relationship because you will be more conscious of what you’re
doing, perhaps what your deeper innate intentions are behind what you’re doing,
and what it means in the context of your relationship.
(g) In doing this table and describing it, I was
able to analyze my own relationship and where we’re at. In learning about the unity model, I have
been exposed to new ideas that I have had to really think about. This table brought the concepts right in
front of me and made me realize where my behaviors towards my partner come from
and what the underlying goal is.
The Question I am answering is
Question 9
(a) Consider Tables 7a and
7b in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making
Field Observations. It shows how you can use the ennead chart to identify
the level of feeling, thinking, and acting between married partners. It
illustrates the application using the concept of
"happiness." (b) Create two similar tables using the
concepts "being in love" and "being jealous." To specify
the details, think of yourself in a relationship, or some other couple you know,
either real or on TV. (c) Anything else you have to say.
Basic model
(Read from bottom up)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone 7 |
zone 8 cognitive |
zone 9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone 4 |
zone 5 |
zone 6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone 1 |
zone 2 |
zone 3 |
(a) Using the unity, equity,
and dominance levels and pairing them against sensorimotor conjunction, cognitive
conjunction, and affective conjunction, we can identify the level of feeling,
thinking, and acting between married partners.
Below, I will illustrate this with two tables using the concepts “being
in love” and “being jealous.
“being in love”
(Read from bottom up)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone 7 |
zone 8 cognitive |
zone 9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone 4 |
zone 5 |
zone 6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone 1 |
zone 2 |
zone 3 |
(b) In the table above, it is easy to see how
being in love changes between all the different levels. There is a definite distinction when a
partner in a marriage focuses on themselves, on intellect, and on their
partner. Seeing the progress through
these stages illustrates very clearly how one achieves a relationship at the
unity level, and how a couple can be in different levels at the same time.
At the dominance level, the partner is only
concerned with what they are getting out of the relationship, or how they
benefit from it. At the equity level,
they are trying to establish a “give and take” sort of philosophy. One person gives, the other takes, and vice
versa. At this stage, partners make
compromises to keep each other happy.
When they move up to the unity level, it is not about themselves
anymore, but about the couple. Two as
one. Their thoughts are aligned with one
another and they feel the same things, in this case, being in love.
“being jealous”
(Read from bottom up)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS
THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
zone 7 PARTNERS DO NOT GIVE
ATTENTION OR ADORATION EVIDENT TO OTHER PARTNER |
zone 8 cognitive |
zone 9 |
|
EQUITY |
zone 4 |
zone 5 |
zone 6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
zone 1 |
zone 2 PARTNER THINKS THEY
CAN FOCUS ON ANYONE |
zone 3 |
(b) It was a little more difficult to grasp this
concept. It was hard for me to
understand how a couple at the unity level could even experience jealousy,
because if their minds are aligned and they are thinking the same thing, then
jealousy wouldn’t ever rear its ugly head.
In
the dominance model, the partners are struggling for control and the woman is
submitting to the man. Either partner
can be made to feel jealous if their relationship is threatened. It is common at this stage for partners to
feel jealous if they are not getting all the attention, or if their partner is
focusing their attention somewhere else.
In the equity model, partners try to give one another equal amounts of
attention, however, jealousy can sneak in when one partner feels they are
getting less than equal amounts of attention.
At the unity level, jealousy should not even exist, however, it does. This is the level where the man is submitting
to the woman’s thoughts and feelings, thus aligning himself with her. However, if he strays, or gets knocked off
course, she may feel jealous or threatened that his thoughts are not completely
with her.
(c) These levels of a relationship are very important
because it can give a person clues as to what their actions should be or where
they stand on different issues in a relationship. These tables can be duplicated for a number
of different daily activities and emotions.
I suggest everyone try to complete one of these tables to do an accurate
analysis of their relationship.
The Question I am answering is
Question 12
(a) Consider Table 9 in the
Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making
Field Observations. It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly
portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama. (b) Select at least three
programs for which you can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a
few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions
that are contrary to having a successful marriage. (c) Now describe the
affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. (d) What
are your reactions to these observations? (e) What is your explanation as to
why these interactions are portrayed so often? (e) What might be the
consequences for couples and society? (f) Anything else you have to say.
Table 9 from Dr. James’ Lecture Notes
1. Living together
unmarried
2. Having children out of
wedlock
3. Making each other
jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and
bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men
other than one's partner
7. Having a same sex best
friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual
best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain
things
9. Same sex friends going
out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other
gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and
activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner
through deception
13. Accepting the idea that
it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that
one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their
faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only
entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea
that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that
men are more rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that
women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for
a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal
for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal
for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor
(e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like
what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that
a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad
he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if
her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
(a) Above, is the table that describes certain
anti-unity values that are often portrayed in the media. It is from these values that society draws
its “societal norms”, or acceptance of unacceptable behavior. I will demonstrate this through examples of
this behavior in television programs.
Scrubs:
Manipulating partner
through deception
Scenario: J.D. had convinced
Eliot to break up with her boyfriend to be with him. She thought J.D. was “the one” so she
agreed. In reality, J.D. only wanted
them to break up because it made him jealous to see her with her boyfriend; he
had no intention of staying with her. He
pretended to be in love with her, just so that she wouldn’t stay with her
boyfriend. Eventually, he told her the
truth and their friendship was destroyed.
Girls only or boys only entertainment
Scenario: J.D. and Turk often go play golf together
without their girlfriends. They take
their lunch break, or weekends, and, intentionally, leave the women
behind. They use this time to complain
or vent about their latest argument with their girlfriends, or relationship
issues.
Making it look normal for a man to have
prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men,
doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
Scenario: At Turk and Carla’s wedding, Turk was late,
and then showed up at the wrong church because he was at work. Carla asked Turk over and over again if he
knew what church it was at, and if he would be there on time. Turk made it seem as if work was more
important than getting to his own wedding on time.
Friends:
Making each other jealous on purpose
Scenario:
Ross was getting married to Emily. He
wanted to make sure Rachel was ok with it.
When he asked her how she was doing, he made her feel incompetent, so
she reacted by trying to make him jealous.
She started gushing about her new boyfriend, Joshua, and how good they
were together and how he was so much better than Ross.
Promoting the idea that one should not try
to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
Scenario: Phoebe and Mike. After they had been dating a while, Phoebe
mentioned the desire to get married, someday.
Mike quickly told her that it was something he didn’t believe in. She accepted it, even though it was very
important to her. She was going to give
up something truly special because she didn’t want to change him.
Flirting with other gender as retaliation
against one's partner (or other reason)
Scenario: Ross and Rachel had just broken up. Ross was flirting with another woman which
eventually led to sex. It was a
“rebound”. When Rachel found out, she
was furious (understandably).
Unfortunately, it has become accepted in our society to go out and flirt
when you’re mad at your partner.
Sex and the City:
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
Scenario: Samantha is usually with a different man
every episode. She is VERY
promiscuous. You also rarely see her in
a serious relationship. When she is in a
relationship, the topic often becomes a barrier for either her or her partner
and they cannot get past it. It becomes
an argument that they cannot get past.
Same sex friends going out as a group for
fun and entertainment without their partners
Scenario: The girls (Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and
Samantha) are always going out to new clubs, for drinks, or lunch without their
partners. The topic of these
conversations are often their absent partners.
They complain, laugh, and joke about intimate things.
Accepting the idea that
a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad
he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if
her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
Scenario: Often, unfortunately, when the women are
heart-broken, or hurt, if the man comes back and apologizes, she generally
accepts it. I think this is true mostly
of Carrie and Charlotte. When Berger
goes to the
(c) Each of these examples holds aspects of the
sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective levels of a relationship based on the
unity model. Here I will discuss one
scenario from each program.
In Scrubs, when J.D. asked Eliot to break up with her boyfriend, he was
clearly acting out of a sensorimotor frame of mind. He was thinking only about himself and his
uncomfortable ness. His focus was on
himself, with no regard to what consequences she might face if she were to
follow through with his suggestion. Or
of the hurt she might feel when she discovered that he didn’t really love
her. He was only concerned with his own
desires.
In Friends, when Ross sleeps with someone just after he and Rachel break
up, he is also acting in a sensorimotor fashion. He doesn’t consider how she may feel when she
finds out. He is thinking only about his
own self-satisfaction.
In Sex and the City, when Carrie forgives Berger for leaving her, she is
disregarding all the hurt and pain he brought upon her when he left. He didn’t bother to talk to her at all about
whatever seemed to be the problem. He
just left. Thinking only about himself
in the sensorimotor level. He had to be
the one in control. He was “thinking” so
there are some traces of the cognitive level, but he wasn’t thinking about
her. And they weren’t thinking along the
same lines, so they definitely weren’t in the affective level.
(d) This was surprising to me. Here I am, enjoying my favorite programs, and
suddenly I realize that they violate almost every aspect of the unity
model. I am watching things a little
more carefully lately. It’s interesting
now to watch relationships evolve and be able to judge where they are at just
by watching certain behaviors.
(e) I feel these actions are portrayed so often
because they bring in the dramatic aspect.
If these shows didn’t have a little “juice” to them, what would be the
point in watching? As viewers, we want
to see the characters grow. We want to
witness their trauma and pain, and to see how they work through it. I hate to admit it, but a show depicting the
unity model wouldn’t get the best ratings, and isn’t that what television is
all about?
(f) I think that if couples witness these
relationships on television, they start to believe that that is how they are
supposed to be. Don’t be fooled!!! I think that this can be extremely dangerous
because if we start to act like those characters we watch on television, our
lives will become as twisted and tangled as theirs are! Not to mention the havoc it would wreak on
our relationships. Keep your
values! Identify the anti-unity values
and look for them in your favorite programs.
Acknowledge that much of what our society bases acceptance on is on
those values, but they are false and should be avoided at all costs in order to
achieve and maintain a unity level in your relationship.
My Report on the Current Generation
Shelley Tachino’s Second Oral Presentation
Sexual Blackmail
The Unity Model of Marriage by Leon James,
2004, Section 9
In Ms. Tachino’s presentation, she
focused on the male dominance model, sexual blackmail, and steps in reducing
the wife’s aversive feelings in reference to The Unity Model of Marriage by Dr.
James.
In
the male dominance model, physical sex comes before mental intimacy. This disagrees with Dr. James’ Unity Model
because in the Unity Model, a mental union is primary and physical sex is
secondary. When a wife declines sex with
her husband, he may display behaviors such as anger or resentment. This can be destructive to the marriage
because it’s based on self-centeredness instead of meeting the needs of the
partner. Ms. Tachino gave an example
from “Everybody Loves Raymond” in which the wife (Debra) doesn’t want to have
sex and Ray gets frustrated. She agreed
that this idea exists in our society, but that it shouldn’t.
In her next topic, sexual blackmail,
she describes why a wife may not want to have sex with her husband. When a woman feels forced to have sex, she
develops an aversion to it. Thus making
her want to refuse it at a later date.
She may feel used, and unloved.
Ms. Tachino also agreed with this idea, but she disagreed with what male
dominant therapists like Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil suggest as a solution. They believe that if the man brings home the
paycheck, it is the woman’s responsibility to make sure he’s happy, sexually or
otherwise. Dr. James’ philosophy is then
applied to reverse this aversion.
These two steps are crucial in curing a wife’s aversion to sex. First, the husband must realize that he is
the caused of the aversion, and second, he needs to learn how to obtain facts
from his wife regarding all the ways he turns her off and makes her feel this
aversion towards him. The husband needs
to understand that the wife may come up with excuses, like being tired, however
this is seldom the case. She doesn’t
want have sex because she feels like that is the only power she has. Sex should not be exploitative. The wife should want to be intimate with her
husband and it is her husband’s responsibility to make sure she feels this
way. In our class discussion, this was
the hardest part to make sense of. We
argued that sometimes people are just too tired to have sex. Dr. James insisted that this is not so. Even if people are tired, in the presence of
their partner, they will become energized enough to have sex. Unless the tiredness is an excuse to avoid
contact with the person you have formed an aversion to.
This information agrees with the topics discussed in my Report 2. Both are based off of the Unity Model, so
they are very interrelated. I didn’t
discuss the subject of sexual intimacy in my report because I had anticipated
discussing it here. I think this outline
gives a good general approach to the topic.
Shelley
Tachino’s Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/tachino/home.htm
Patrick Greer’s Second Oral Presentation
Communication Between the Sexes
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,
Laura Schlessinger, HarperCollins,
2004,
pp96-109
In this presentation, Mr. Greer
outlined very important points, according to Dr. Laura, in communication
between men and women. He discussed the
very different approaches and made good observable points in how men and women
communicate.
He first discusses action versus emotion. Dr. Laura says that men express their
feelings through action, whereas, women want to verbalize everything. She says that if women stop telling men
everything about their day to day lives, their relationship will go much
smoother. Mr. Greer agreed with
this. He believes that women do express
their feelings more verbally than men do.
I think this is true as well. You
more often hear women explaining and rationalizing their actions and thoughts
out loud than you do men.
Here’s where the disagreement starts.
Dr. Laura says that women overload their husbands with emotional
problems. She says wife’s need to stop
expecting a reaction from their husbands and start taking responsibility. She should find alternate routes for her
emotions and stop expecting the men to solve all their problems. Mr. Greer makes a point and says that the
couple is not in the unity level since they obviously cannot talk to one
another about important things. I agree
with him. Both men and women should be
responsible for their own problems; however, they should be able to talk about
it with their partner.
Dr. Laura then goes on to say that men suffer from fear of expression,
that their wives will become angry with them if their emotions do not coincide
with hers. If a wife goes to her husband
with a problem, and he does not react with a reaction that coincides with her
own, then she is angry and things he doesn’t agree with her. She says that men then choose not to say
anything for fear of upsetting their wives, however, now they are upsetting
them because they are not saying anything.
Mr. Greer believes this doesn’t make sense because first the husband is
expected to talk, then he feels bad if he does and his reaction is not what his
wife wanted. I think it makes sense, but
I also believe that if these men and women are too afraid to voice their own
opinion, or if a woman can’t take an opposing opinion, she shouldn’t be in the
relationship to begin with. She needs to
grow up.
This was one of my favorite sections of Dr. Laura’s book to read because
I actually agreed with most of the basic concepts. I think in a male dominant society, these are
situations that do arise and that she makes good points. However, I do believe a woman should be able
to talk to her husband about whatever she wants. She should not have to censor herself for
fear of “overloading” him with her problems.
And men should be “man” enough to voice their opinions. If only Dr. Laura would get out of her male
dominant zone…she has the potential to give great advice!
This content disagrees with the Unity Model because it is one-sided and
male dominant. While I agree with the
basic concept, I disagree with the ultimate point she is trying to make.
Patrick
Greer’s Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/greer/home.htm
Kai Xia Ma’s Second Oral Presentation
Cultural Variation in Discourse
Gender and Discourse by Deborah Tannen,
Harper,
1994,
pp.68-77
In Ms. Ma’s presentation, she
discusses different conversation styles based on cultural differences. She explains the differences between “high
considerateness” and “high involvement” speech patterns, different stereotyping
based on conversation styles, and a research experiment done on overlapping
speech.
First, “high involvement”, where the listener would talk along with the
speaker, and “high considerateness”, where the listener would be listening and
doing very little talking, styles of speech vary across different
cultures. Being from a
These types of classifications, comparing speech styles with cultural
differences can lead to negative stereotyping.
Jewish speakers are then classified as loud, aggressive, and pushy
because of their high involvement style of speech. This also spans across genders. Women are stereotyped as “hens” because of
their cooperative overlapping in group conversations.
In a research experiment conducted by Edelsky (1981), a study was run on
who talks more in a series of faculty committee meetings, men or women? They found that women talk more when there is
only one speaker, and men talk more when there is more open discussion. Men are more comfortable talking when there
is more than one voice going at once.
I found this presentation interesting because it is very hard to
distinguish an opinion. I very much
agree that different cultures promote different speaking styles and that
negative stereotypes are often associated with that culture. I can also relate to the experiment because I
often find myself overlapping when I’m in a group of women. I also find I am more likely to speak out
when there is only one speaker talking.
I am more likely to be quite if there is open discussion, where a man
would excel.
Kai
Xia Ma’s Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/ma/home.htm
Advice To
Future Generations:
If I were to give any advice to future
generations about this class, it would be to stay on top of the readings. It makes the class so much more enjoyable if
you understand the class discussions and are able to initiate discussions about
the readings. It also pays off because
when you have to write your report, you won’t be reading all the material at
once. And you absolutely cannot write
the report without being familiar with the material. Go to class and ask questions. Don’t be afraid. It appears more intimidating than it is. Just stick it out. Take notes on the oral presentations in class
and come prepared to ask questions.
There’s nothing worse than sitting there when no one wants to ask you
any questions.
Class
Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm
My
Home Page:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/luney/home.htm
Tables
used in this report can be found at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm