Report 2:

My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

By: Heidi Nakamura

Instructions for this report are at:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm

I am answering Questions 3,4,6,8,12.

The Question I am answering is Question 3

A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of  the theory given in the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.

Part A Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.

When relationships are forming between a man and a woman there are two different strategies at hand with two different interests. Conflicts can, and usually will occur between couples. For a man his interests are sexually motivated at first and he enjoys his freedom from not having to emotionally connect with the woman. He is functioning out of his comfort level. He is not required to reveal anything uncomfortable to the woman therefore remaining at a sensorimotor state.

The couple may enjoy activities together like going out to dinner and a movie or going camping. The man is in control and comfortable at this level of the relationship. He can remain emotionally detached from the woman not allowing her to know much about his inner frame work and the true motivations about him self.

The woman in the relationship is feeling very uncomfortable she doesn’t know the mans true intensions and how to understand him. She has little emotional insight into his behavior, and doesn’t know much about the truth of the activities he does on his spare time while not with her, this allows him to remain separate emotionally from her. She realizes that he has the control over her, he is dominate. While she may enjoy the activities that they do together she feels the need to connect with him on a deeper level so that she can feel that she has insight and an emotional draw with this man.

She wants to join emotionally and spiritually with her husband. She wants the relationship to grow deeper he want the relationship to stay how it is. She is not content with the relationship staying at the sensorimotor level, he is.

The conflict begins the woman uses her intuition to feel out the emotional context of the man. She analyzes his actions and responses to situations like the topic of a mutual friend having an affair on his wife to see how he reacts to the situation. She might start to ask probing questions to find out what makes him tick. The man will start to get irritated with this and distance himself from her.

This is a possible answer to why the couple in the example gets into the fight and why the man would use harsh words towards the woman to fend her off. To make her feel wrong and hurt so she will think twice before trying to pull uncomfortable information out of him. He doesn’t want her to understand him or his motives. He doesn’t want to give up his autonomy.

She is trying to figure out how he feels about the news if he knew about his friend cheating on his wife beforehand, if he is cheating or has thought about it. She wants his participation of analyzing and understanding the situation, he wants no part of it. The main point being that the husband wants her to back off of him so he is trying to intimidate her through the use of harsh words and a verbal fight, in hopes that she won’t attempt to bring it up again.

The woman on the other hand is saying harsh words to him in defense and hurt feelings. He has blocked and rejected her efforts to move into conjoined relationship. She feels hurt that he doesn’t want to reveal himself the way that she wants to reveal herself to him. Her motives were to open him up a little to understand how he thinks; him rejecting this and using methods of intimidation hurts her.

The man wants to keep his dominate role in the relationship, therefore not revealing him self to her and keeping it at a sensorimotor level. The woman is always looking to find ways to open him up and allow her love into him. Her motives are to teach him how to be loving and genuine. His motives are selfish and to keep his wife at bay so all his needs are met however not considering that his wives needs are not being met.

This relationship has connected only on the sensorimotor level in which the couple has fun in social setting and activities however haven’t connected on a cognitive or affective level in a positive way in which deeper lurking with held beliefs, thoughts and feelings are in effect. When these deeper issues are not dealt with like him not caring that his wife’s needs are not being met, a feeling of resentment occurs. The issue may stay repressed after the fight when the couple makes up, but since the couple doesn’t openly deal with the problem honestly they aren’t going to make progress.

The husband has not connected with his wife on an affective or cognitive level his own interests and selfishness is running the relationship. She is pushing for conjunction and he is fighting it, he wants to be married however doesn’t realize that he is depriving himself of the true fulfillment of marriage.

This relationship is probably a dominance and equality relationship. They have an essence of an equality type of relationship because she is arguing back with him, but they are not resolving any of the essence of the argument; therefore, their relationship has a strong pull towards a dominate relationship.

Part B Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.

The woman needs to be strong and patient with her husband not allowing him to use his methods of avoiding unity to intimidate and tactfully diverge her from her goal. She needs to effectively express to her husband exactly what he is doing to upset her so. There are many ways she can go about explaining the importance of her motives and interests. Most of all she needs to continue telling him what he is doing and why it isn’t working for their relationship.

The first growth in their relationship is for them to address the need for a deeper connection besides the sensorimotor level. There relationship would also need to connect on the cognitive and affective level as well. This would include first expressing thoughts that they have that are formed from their affective feelings. With in this threefold self of sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves are three models of relationships. I have already discussed that the relationship described is on the level of dominate and aspects of equality, however what this relationship needs to strive for is unity.

When conflicts with in a relationship reach levels of disrespect and hatred it is clear that the couple is not functioning in a unified manner. Most often the man does not want to give his control in a relationship. He wants to remain dominate. The woman is not happy therefore she wants to move towards a healthier form of relationship where she is equal.

For many different reason the man may give up some of his control and move into a mutual exchange in decision making. While at this level of equality both people still have some separated sensorimotor activities, cognitive thoughts, from their affective feelings. Therefore they are not truly unified in marriage. Fights between the couple still may occur at the equality level because they don’t share the same affective self. The couple is not striving to completely unite.

When the couple realizes that marriage is about completely joining with their partner, and control is not a motivating factor of the relationship, than the couple moves into a giving and striving to please their partner mentality. Instead of the couple trying to argue their differences to make the other see it their way they form a new view that is shared between them. This eliminates the type of quailing that previously was a problem for the couple.

Because problems are being dealt with in on a cognitive and affective unifying way, there is no more pent up resentful feelings towards one another. The fighting will cease between the couple if they can achieve this level of communication and unification. They will create a new joined sense of self to adjust into being married. Both parties will move into a more loving stage of the relationship not on self interest but based on pleasing their partner.

The Question I am Answering is 4

a) Select one or more techniques explained in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations. (b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or some other couples you know. (c) Describe what you did, what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with the unity model. (d) Anything else you have to say.

Part B Select one or more techniques explained in the Lecture Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze interactions between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or some other couples you know.

I will be making field observations on my current relationship. We are quite in sink when it comes to sensorimotor activities. However it will be interesting to evaluate how our relationship falls when it comes to our cognitive and affective selves. We have been together 1year and have considered getting married. While we quite out rightly have veered from aspects of the unity model, we cohabitate together, and I am an atheist, while he is Christian. It will be interesting to see what aspects of our relationship are unified and which are of the equity model.

Part C Describe what you did, what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with the unity model.

I have over the last few weeks asked and observed my boyfriend in regards to questions that are covered in observations for both cognitive and affective selves in regards to the dominance, equity, and unity models.

I have found that on a cognitive level we are at a unity level when it comes to issues of control because neither of us try or feels the need to control the other person. There are no games played just honesty and considerateness. However, when it comes to housework we struggle with the equity model, because I feel that he doesn’t hold his level of household cleanliness to the same degree as mine, I struggle with dividing up the chores, and feeling that it is necessary to remind him of doing his part of the house hold duties.

He has made improvements in taking initiative; however he now feels that he does more work than me. We dispute over feeling that we both do more than the other. I feel hesitant to give up the equity model because I that he will not do his part, because of the way he was raised with boy chores and women do the house cleaning. I’m not sure that this mentality is broken in his affective self.

I feel that for the most part he listens to me when it comes to changing his habits. He has stopped drinking for a month and when the month is complete not return to the casual pau hana beer. His eating habits have gotten a lot better, and over all lifestyle adjusting to fit us.

One aspect to our relationship that has seemed to work well together is that any argument that we have had we have found a means to work it out. Our main difference is that I don’t believe in God. We are not on any level going to come to agreement on it, this is where we agree to disagree. This is our only problem we can’t resolve, when it comes to discussing issues with the other person such as needs not being met or behavior that makes the other uncomfortable such as to what degree of teasing goes on, we both become aware of how the other feels and adjust accordingly.

We are realizing what the other person needs and when and how to nurture the other and what ways they desire it the most (listening, holding them, acknowledgement etc.). I see us growing together he likes not drinking now and points that out to me. I give him compliments when I know he is proud of something. He asks me about my classes and what I have learned, and I have learned a lot about cars. I openly discuss my feelings and we don’t have any secrets.

Neither of us had subscribed to myths of relationships in fact he was the one in the relationship to move me from the equity model into aspects of the unity model. For example, if he wants to do an activity he always finds a way to include me. He likes to surf but he short boards, knowing that I have a long board and I am a beginner he wanted to get himself a long board so we could go surfing together. When we go to social events we don’t split up and if we do it isn’t long before we back together. He calls me when he misses me during the day because we have been separated for half the day.

He is extremely inclusive. He calls to tell me when he’s getting off of work, and tells me what activities he has in his day so I am informed (with out me asking). I know that he wants to be with me by his actions of coming home for his lunch break if he knows I will be home, I don’t see any resistance with him. In fact when asking him how he views marriage he said “ you have to give up pieces of yourself so that you can grow together, so that both of you can be happy” before being in my relationship with him I have never been with a man who actually has changed his lifestyle for me.

He listens to my points about how we can improve our life and we are applying them now. He also has insight into me and in a loving way has pointed out some of my problematic character weaknesses. We are both changing for the better together and have a lot healthier lifestyle than we did before we became a couple.

Ultimately he is kind to me and any problems that we have are due to what he is not aware of that upsets me. I found that when problems arise I am stronger at expressing my feelings and concerns while he is better at reminding what we have is good and comforting me that things will be O.K.

While religion has a major part in the unity model of marriage I found that though I am an atheist and a very independent person, marriage is about giving and finding ways to unite not push each other apart, being stubborn and set into your ways is selfish and stunting of ones personal growth. Part of what I feel is important in life is sharing it with someone special and it isn’t something that just happens both parties have to be resourceful, conscientious, honest, humble, and aware of the good that can come from giving up your own selfishness and welcoming togetherness.

I asked my boyfriend a few questions to see if his actions were only with me or if he was like this with previous relationships. For him the respect that he treats me with has been consistent with past relationships. With his first serious relationship he felt that they were too young and they were moving in different directions and because they were young allowed it. With his second girlfriend he felt pressured into the relationship from her and didn’t want to be with her. His third girlfriend he felt was of hidden character and felt like she was hiding something from him.

Point being several different contexts to relationships he had however she treated them with similar respect to me. I asked my self is this apart of his mentality? Is he really naturally this geared into a serious relationship? I really didn’t feel that special anymore. What I concluded is that some people have characteristics that are present because they are aware that they want this deep attachment with a woman. He was in these past relationships testing the waters to see if they were the one he was going to share his life with.

I felt that the unity model was something that each woman had to grow and ingrain into her man. To some degree we do when it comes to developing cognitive from the affective self, however some men seam to be more geared into slipping into wanting this type of deep relationship. They are aware that they want it and they move into parts of the unity model readily.

I spent three years on and off with my ex boyfriend and I did not receive an eighth of commitment, willing to listen and make progress. I feel that he will never be able to reach unity with a woman. All the games that men play that were discussed in the unity model readings were methods he used with me. My point being that some men, because of their characteristics probably will never reach anything close to the unity model in any aspect in their lives.

I wish that I was aware of to this degree of detail the methods that are used by men and what actions show what they are doing. I never thought that my ex was manipulating me and asserting power over men when he didn’t want to talk about it, or when he would walk out the door in a fight. I knew something was wrong deep down inside that’s why we broke up but I wasn’t aware that these were games used to control me.

I thought he was my first love but their was no much to do with love when all you care about is your happiness. When your happiness means someone else’s misery and hurt, if you know that you’re the cause of that than I don’t think that that is love. I feel that dominance isn’t love equality is love with a form of hesitancy and self reserve ness, and unity as a model (a concept to aim for) is full inclusion and selflessness with your partner with out reservations.

While I have trouble with unity mindset when it comes to household chores and yes sometimes with money/ material things, I am trying to trust and move away from the childhood trait of mine and yours.

The Question I am Answering is 6

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations

(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap. (e) Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you have to say.

Here is a table that shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three phases of growth in marriage.

Section 18. This is Table 6

Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model	1 Dominance Model	2 Equity Model	3 Unity Model
Partners tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by personal preference	Yes	Yes	Yes
Partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and inevitable	Yes	Yes	No
Partners tolerate status differences between a man and a woman	Yes	No	No
Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others	No	No	Yes
Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in	Yes	Yes	No
Partners believe themselves to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity	No	No	Yes
Each partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them	Yes	Yes	No
The man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him	No	No	Yes
When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus	No	Yes	No
When partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking	No	No	Yes
Partners can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious	No	No	Yes
Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas	No	No	Yes
Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever	No	No	Yes
Partners never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything	No	No	Yes
While making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married couples	Yes	Yes	No
Partners assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions	No	No	Yes
Partners try to make each other happy	Yes	Yes	Yes
Partners allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various topics	Yes	Yes	No
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other	No	No	Yes
The original passion of love decreases as the years go by	Yes	Yes	No
etc. (add your own here)

This type of contrastive analysis shows that the dominance model has an 84% overlap in answers with the equity model but only 16% overlap with the unity model. Similarly the equity model has only a 16% overlap with the unity model. This shows that the unity model is most different from the other two. It is also the most difficult to achieve unless the husband is spiritually enlightened and has the afterlife in mind regarding their eternal conjunction.

Part A) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model, along with Yes/No specifications for the three models.

The table describes behaviors that are found in relationships and critiques them according to the three models of relationships. The behaviors are distinctly created to show the difference in each of these types of relationships as well as the similarities.

Part B First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate concretely).

In Table 6 differentiates between the dominance, equity, and unity model of marriage, as well as show the similarities in certain areas. The main point is that as the relationship moves towards the unity model of marriage differences that separate the couple are eliminated and qualities that unify are apart of their methods. This table also shows a percentile of 84 that overlaps equity and dominance relationship models, making them the most similar of the three relationship types.

The table is designed to show to what degree the togetherness behavior of the unity model of marriage would look like, such as not having status differences, or tolerating disagreement. It also shows views like marriage continuing into the after life. The table also demonstrates the level of responsibility one has to their partner, for example they hold themselves accountable for their partners feeling, therefore intertwined on an affective level.

Part C Give brief explanations for what the three models are.

The dominance model is when the man has complete control of the relationship. He often uses intimidation, status, and manipulative methods such as not talking to his wife, or walking away to control the disagreement. The wife has little to no say in decisions. While they both try to make each other happy the woman is giving more to the male than she receives from him. The couple differs on many levels: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves. They might vote for different presidents, have exclusive plans from the other partner, and differ on their feelings about religion.

In the Equity model the couple includes the other partner in having a say in making decisions, however would accept the possibility to agree to disagree. There are still aspects of control in this relationship, because each party is still holding onto their own individuality. While a couple at this level of relationship might communicate better on the cognitive level than in the dominance level they do not always agree. Partners in the equity model of marriage will still differ in sensorimoter activities not done together, cognitive thoughts not agreed upon, and affective feelings not mutually felt.

The unity model of marriage is the only model that include spirituality of the after life and marriage. It includes taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings and finding ways to unify on the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self. All activities are done together, the other is never left out, thoughts are formulated from a conjoined affective belief that both parties share. The unity model is the only model that the woman is the leader when it comes to maneuvering with in the relationship.

Part D Calculate the percent overlap.

Behavioral Indicators of One’s Relationship Model	1 Dominance	2 Equity	3 Unity
Partner believe in a different religion	Yes	Yes	No
Husband has a “guys night out”	Yes	Yes	No
Woman has no power in the relationship	Yes	No	No
Husband votes for Bush Wife votes for Kerry	Yes	Yes	No
Man gives into woman’s way of thinking	No	No	Yes
Man chooses the activities	Yes	No	No
Couple disagree over what car to buy than negotiates	No	Yes	No
Couple thinks of the other person before themselves	No	No	Yes
Couple punishes the other for not getting their way	Yes	Yes	No
Partners take separate vacations	Yes	Yes	No
Level of respect for partner doesn’t diminish	No	No	Yes
Man is excepting when his wife tries to change him	No	No	Yes
Couple argue than agree to disagree	No	Yes	No
Couple have separate friends that the other doesn’t know	Yes	Yes	No
Man tells the woman what she can and can’t do	Yes	No	No
One party puts their own feelings in front of the other persons	Yes	Yes	No
Zeal for marriage decreases over time	Yes	Yes	No
One party of the relationship is unhappy	Yes	Yes	No
Both people are completely satisfied with the relationship	No	No	Yes
Status is not an issue in the relationship	No	No	Yes

The equity model has a 15% over lap with the unity model and the dominance model has a 10% over lap with the unity model. Therefore the unity model has and 84% difference over the equity model and a 90% difference form the dominance model.

Part E Discuss what your results show.

From my results the unity model consists of very different specifications from the other two models of marriage. The unity model being the farthest from the dominance model and than would come the equity model.

Part F How can such an approach be expanded to help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern.

This approach could be adjusted and formed to fit specifics of a couple’s life by a therapist and handed to them to reflect and discuss how they feel specifics under these broad areas could be seen. For example first asking is status an issue in your relationship? If your wife asked you to come to her in front of your friends how would you respond? If someone assumed that she made more money than you would how would you feel? If your boss addressed your wife before he did you how would you feel?

While someone who is a participant of certain actions that fit into dominance or equity relationships some times they aren’t aware of it until they are put into a situation and allow their knee jerk reaction to reveal their true underlying beliefs. It takes the specific reaction of theirs to demonstrate to them what is underlying in them.

The woman I think is always on some level aware of these ques in a relationship, she is conscience of his actions and what they mean on an affective level. Therefore she knows where she stands with her mate. I feel that not enough women verbally communicate when a situation occurs that reveals these biases in beliefs and words. Like if status isn’t an issue than a man would have no problem with his wife making more money than him(money =power at least in our society).

I also think that verbal communication is important to let your partner know what you want, I am talking about effective communication, not passive, he knows what I mean, direct communication. I have noticed that a lot of women feel that when they are trying to tell their partner something that is important to them they feel silly, or that it is trivial. That is the man’s game of not caring about her, if he try’s to brush her off than tell him what he is doing, don’t let him get away with it.

When a man finds that her can get away with avoiding an uncomfortable situation he usually will the more he gets away with it the more he will do it. Women need to be assertive and confident when addressing problems with their partners. Than men have no excuse, theirs no escape either they don’t care or they will address you.

Part G Anything else you have to say.

I feel that no many levels it is healthy and good for a marriage for both partners to give up parts of themselves to make a more harmonious and joined life together. However what if you are not the same religion, would the man give up his to join with the woman. I feel that spirituality does not need to be included to be in a healthy loving joined relationship. What if I am an atheist?

The Question I am answering is 8

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm#Table%205

a) Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple. (b) Use some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple. (c) How do these data help you in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the unity model? (d) How do you explain these observations--what do they show or why are things this way with that couple? (e) Explain how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture, and spirituality. (f) Anything else you have to say.

Section 17. This is Table 5