Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of
Marriage
By: Heidi Nakamura
Instructions for this report are at:
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I am answering
Questions 3,4,6,8,12.
The Question I am
answering is Question 3
A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same
activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight
over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other. (a)
Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause.
Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given
in the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this
flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to
apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained
in the Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
Part A Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is
its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture
Notes.
When relationships are forming between a man and a woman there are two different strategies at hand with two different interests. Conflicts can, and usually will occur between couples. For a man his interests are sexually motivated at first and he enjoys his freedom from not having to emotionally connect with the woman. He is functioning out of his comfort level. He is not required to reveal anything uncomfortable to the woman therefore remaining at a sensorimotor state.
The couple may enjoy activities together like going out to dinner and a movie or going camping. The man is in control and comfortable at this level of the relationship. He can remain emotionally detached from the woman not allowing her to know much about his inner frame work and the true motivations about him self.
The woman in the relationship is feeling very uncomfortable she doesn’t know the mans true intensions and how to understand him. She has little emotional insight into his behavior, and doesn’t know much about the truth of the activities he does on his spare time while not with her, this allows him to remain separate emotionally from her. She realizes that he has the control over her, he is dominate. While she may enjoy the activities that they do together she feels the need to connect with him on a deeper level so that she can feel that she has insight and an emotional draw with this man.
She wants to join emotionally and spiritually with her husband. She wants the relationship to grow deeper he want the relationship to stay how it is. She is not content with the relationship staying at the sensorimotor level, he is.
The conflict begins the woman uses her intuition to feel out the emotional context of the man. She analyzes his actions and responses to situations like the topic of a mutual friend having an affair on his wife to see how he reacts to the situation. She might start to ask probing questions to find out what makes him tick. The man will start to get irritated with this and distance himself from her.
This is a possible answer to why the couple in the example gets into the fight and why the man would use harsh words towards the woman to fend her off. To make her feel wrong and hurt so she will think twice before trying to pull uncomfortable information out of him. He doesn’t want her to understand him or his motives. He doesn’t want to give up his autonomy.
She is trying to figure out how he feels about the news if he knew about his friend cheating on his wife beforehand, if he is cheating or has thought about it. She wants his participation of analyzing and understanding the situation, he wants no part of it. The main point being that the husband wants her to back off of him so he is trying to intimidate her through the use of harsh words and a verbal fight, in hopes that she won’t attempt to bring it up again.
The woman on the other hand is saying harsh words to him in defense and hurt feelings. He has blocked and rejected her efforts to move into conjoined relationship. She feels hurt that he doesn’t want to reveal himself the way that she wants to reveal herself to him. Her motives were to open him up a little to understand how he thinks; him rejecting this and using methods of intimidation hurts her.
The man wants to keep his dominate role in the relationship, therefore not revealing him self to her and keeping it at a sensorimotor level. The woman is always looking to find ways to open him up and allow her love into him. Her motives are to teach him how to be loving and genuine. His motives are selfish and to keep his wife at bay so all his needs are met however not considering that his wives needs are not being met.
This relationship has connected only on the sensorimotor level in which the couple has fun in social setting and activities however haven’t connected on a cognitive or affective level in a positive way in which deeper lurking with held beliefs, thoughts and feelings are in effect. When these deeper issues are not dealt with like him not caring that his wife’s needs are not being met, a feeling of resentment occurs. The issue may stay repressed after the fight when the couple makes up, but since the couple doesn’t openly deal with the problem honestly they aren’t going to make progress.
The husband has not connected with his wife on an affective or cognitive level his own interests and selfishness is running the relationship. She is pushing for conjunction and he is fighting it, he wants to be married however doesn’t realize that he is depriving himself of the true fulfillment of marriage.
This relationship is probably a dominance and equality relationship. They have an essence of an equality type of relationship because she is arguing back with him, but they are not resolving any of the essence of the argument; therefore, their relationship has a strong pull towards a dominate relationship.
Part B Discuss
how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs
again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold
self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
The woman needs to be strong and patient with her husband not allowing him to use his methods of avoiding unity to intimidate and tactfully diverge her from her goal. She needs to effectively express to her husband exactly what he is doing to upset her so. There are many ways she can go about explaining the importance of her motives and interests. Most of all she needs to continue telling him what he is doing and why it isn’t working for their relationship.
The first growth in their relationship is for them to address the need for a deeper connection besides the sensorimotor level. There relationship would also need to connect on the cognitive and affective level as well. This would include first expressing thoughts that they have that are formed from their affective feelings. With in this threefold self of sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves are three models of relationships. I have already discussed that the relationship described is on the level of dominate and aspects of equality, however what this relationship needs to strive for is unity.
When conflicts with in a relationship reach levels of disrespect and hatred it is clear that the couple is not functioning in a unified manner. Most often the man does not want to give his control in a relationship. He wants to remain dominate. The woman is not happy therefore she wants to move towards a healthier form of relationship where she is equal.
For many different reason the man may give up some of his control and move into a mutual exchange in decision making. While at this level of equality both people still have some separated sensorimotor activities, cognitive thoughts, from their affective feelings. Therefore they are not truly unified in marriage. Fights between the couple still may occur at the equality level because they don’t share the same affective self. The couple is not striving to completely unite.
When the couple realizes that marriage is about completely joining with their partner, and control is not a motivating factor of the relationship, than the couple moves into a giving and striving to please their partner mentality. Instead of the couple trying to argue their differences to make the other see it their way they form a new view that is shared between them. This eliminates the type of quailing that previously was a problem for the couple.
Because problems are being dealt with in on a cognitive and affective unifying way, there is no more pent up resentful feelings towards one another. The fighting will cease between the couple if they can achieve this level of communication and unification. They will create a new joined sense of self to adjust into being married. Both parties will move into a more loving stage of the relationship not on self interest but based on pleasing their partner.
The Question I am Answering is 4
a) Select one or more techniques explained in the Lecture
Notes in the last section called Making Field Observations.
(b) Do a mini-experiment in which you use the
techniques to analyze interactions between couples – either yourself in a
couple relationship, or some other couples you know. (c) Describe what you did,
what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your
explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to
your explanations with the unity model. (d) Anything else you have to say.
Part B Select
one or more techniques explained in the Lecture Notes in the last section
called Making Field Observations
Do a mini-experiment in which you use the techniques to analyze interactions
between couples – either yourself in a couple relationship, or some other
couples you know.
I will be making field observations on my current relationship. We are quite in sink when it comes to sensorimotor activities. However it will be interesting to evaluate how our relationship falls when it comes to our cognitive and affective selves. We have been together 1year and have considered getting married. While we quite out rightly have veered from aspects of the unity model, we cohabitate together, and I am an atheist, while he is Christian. It will be interesting to see what aspects of our relationship are unified and which are of the equity model.
Part C Describe what you did, what you found, and how you explain it. Be sure to use the unity model in your explanations, but you can also give alternative explanations, in addition to your explanations with the unity model.
I have over the last few weeks asked and observed my boyfriend in regards to questions that are covered in observations for both cognitive and affective selves in regards to the dominance, equity, and unity models.
I have found that on a cognitive level we are at a unity level when it comes to issues of control because neither of us try or feels the need to control the other person. There are no games played just honesty and considerateness. However, when it comes to housework we struggle with the equity model, because I feel that he doesn’t hold his level of household cleanliness to the same degree as mine, I struggle with dividing up the chores, and feeling that it is necessary to remind him of doing his part of the house hold duties.
He has made improvements in taking initiative; however he now feels that he does more work than me. We dispute over feeling that we both do more than the other. I feel hesitant to give up the equity model because I that he will not do his part, because of the way he was raised with boy chores and women do the house cleaning. I’m not sure that this mentality is broken in his affective self.
I feel that for the most part he listens to me when it comes to changing his habits. He has stopped drinking for a month and when the month is complete not return to the casual pau hana beer. His eating habits have gotten a lot better, and over all lifestyle adjusting to fit us.
One aspect to our relationship that has seemed to work well together is that any argument that we have had we have found a means to work it out. Our main difference is that I don’t believe in God. We are not on any level going to come to agreement on it, this is where we agree to disagree. This is our only problem we can’t resolve, when it comes to discussing issues with the other person such as needs not being met or behavior that makes the other uncomfortable such as to what degree of teasing goes on, we both become aware of how the other feels and adjust accordingly.
We are realizing what the other person needs and when and how to nurture the other and what ways they desire it the most (listening, holding them, acknowledgement etc.). I see us growing together he likes not drinking now and points that out to me. I give him compliments when I know he is proud of something. He asks me about my classes and what I have learned, and I have learned a lot about cars. I openly discuss my feelings and we don’t have any secrets.
Neither of us had subscribed to myths of relationships in fact he was the one in the relationship to move me from the equity model into aspects of the unity model. For example, if he wants to do an activity he always finds a way to include me. He likes to surf but he short boards, knowing that I have a long board and I am a beginner he wanted to get himself a long board so we could go surfing together. When we go to social events we don’t split up and if we do it isn’t long before we back together. He calls me when he misses me during the day because we have been separated for half the day.
He is extremely inclusive. He calls to tell me when he’s getting off of work, and tells me what activities he has in his day so I am informed (with out me asking). I know that he wants to be with me by his actions of coming home for his lunch break if he knows I will be home, I don’t see any resistance with him. In fact when asking him how he views marriage he said “ you have to give up pieces of yourself so that you can grow together, so that both of you can be happy” before being in my relationship with him I have never been with a man who actually has changed his lifestyle for me.
He listens to my points about how we can improve our life and we are applying them now. He also has insight into me and in a loving way has pointed out some of my problematic character weaknesses. We are both changing for the better together and have a lot healthier lifestyle than we did before we became a couple.
Ultimately he is kind to me and any problems that we have are due to what he is not aware of that upsets me. I found that when problems arise I am stronger at expressing my feelings and concerns while he is better at reminding what we have is good and comforting me that things will be O.K.
While religion has a major part in the unity model of marriage I found that though I am an atheist and a very independent person, marriage is about giving and finding ways to unite not push each other apart, being stubborn and set into your ways is selfish and stunting of ones personal growth. Part of what I feel is important in life is sharing it with someone special and it isn’t something that just happens both parties have to be resourceful, conscientious, honest, humble, and aware of the good that can come from giving up your own selfishness and welcoming togetherness.
I asked my boyfriend a few questions to see if his actions were only with me or if he was like this with previous relationships. For him the respect that he treats me with has been consistent with past relationships. With his first serious relationship he felt that they were too young and they were moving in different directions and because they were young allowed it. With his second girlfriend he felt pressured into the relationship from her and didn’t want to be with her. His third girlfriend he felt was of hidden character and felt like she was hiding something from him.
Point being several different contexts to relationships he had however she treated them with similar respect to me. I asked my self is this apart of his mentality? Is he really naturally this geared into a serious relationship? I really didn’t feel that special anymore. What I concluded is that some people have characteristics that are present because they are aware that they want this deep attachment with a woman. He was in these past relationships testing the waters to see if they were the one he was going to share his life with.
I felt that the unity model was something that each woman had to grow and ingrain into her man. To some degree we do when it comes to developing cognitive from the affective self, however some men seam to be more geared into slipping into wanting this type of deep relationship. They are aware that they want it and they move into parts of the unity model readily.
I spent three years on and off with my ex boyfriend and I did not receive an eighth of commitment, willing to listen and make progress. I feel that he will never be able to reach unity with a woman. All the games that men play that were discussed in the unity model readings were methods he used with me. My point being that some men, because of their characteristics probably will never reach anything close to the unity model in any aspect in their lives.
I wish that I was aware of to this degree of detail the methods that are used by men and what actions show what they are doing. I never thought that my ex was manipulating me and asserting power over men when he didn’t want to talk about it, or when he would walk out the door in a fight. I knew something was wrong deep down inside that’s why we broke up but I wasn’t aware that these were games used to control me.
I thought he was my first love but their was no much to do with love when all you care about is your happiness. When your happiness means someone else’s misery and hurt, if you know that you’re the cause of that than I don’t think that that is love. I feel that dominance isn’t love equality is love with a form of hesitancy and self reserve ness, and unity as a model (a concept to aim for) is full inclusion and selflessness with your partner with out reservations.
While I have trouble with unity mindset when it comes to household chores and yes sometimes with money/ material things, I am trying to trust and move away from the childhood trait of mine and yours.
The Question I am Answering is 6
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations
(a) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what
this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of
examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up
yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap.
(e) Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to help couples be more aware of their
interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you have to say.
Here is a table
that shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three phases of
growth in marriage.
Section 18. This is Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators
of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners tolerate role differences, either culturally defined or by
personal preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and
inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate status differences between a man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners insist on exclusivity so that neither may carry on close
friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other privacy or separate activities that the
other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners believe themselves to be married in this life and in the
afterlife in heaven to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner is tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to
live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man always cooperates with the woman's attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When partners disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When partners disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of
thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners can't stand being separated even for a few hours, and get
very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners have total confidence in each other, feeling free of any
criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners never try to punish each other or retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While making seating choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the
married couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners assume responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to make each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other to have incompatible opinions about various
topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The original passion of love decreases as the years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
etc. (add your own here) |
|
|
|
This type of contrastive
analysis shows that the dominance model has an 84% overlap in answers with the
equity model but only 16% overlap with the unity model. Similarly the equity
model has only a 16% overlap with the unity model. This shows that the unity
model is most different from the other two. It is also the most difficult to
achieve unless the husband is spiritually enlightened and has the afterlife in
mind regarding their eternal conjunction.
Part
A) Consider Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models.
The table describes behaviors that are found in relationships and critiques them according to the three models of relationships. The behaviors are distinctly created to show the difference in each of these types of relationships as well as the similarities.
Part
B First explain what this table is trying to show and how it is
doing that (give a couple of examples to illustrate concretely).
In Table 6 differentiates between the dominance, equity, and unity model of marriage, as well as show the similarities in certain areas. The main point is that as the relationship moves towards the unity model of marriage differences that separate the couple are eliminated and qualities that unify are apart of their methods. This table also shows a percentile of 84 that overlaps equity and dominance relationship models, making them the most similar of the three relationship types.
The table is designed to show to what degree the togetherness behavior of the unity model of marriage would look like, such as not having status differences, or tolerating disagreement. It also shows views like marriage continuing into the after life. The table also demonstrates the level of responsibility one has to their partner, for example they hold themselves accountable for their partners feeling, therefore intertwined on an affective level.
Part C Give
brief explanations for what the three models are.
The dominance model is when the man has complete control of the relationship. He often uses intimidation, status, and manipulative methods such as not talking to his wife, or walking away to control the disagreement. The wife has little to no say in decisions. While they both try to make each other happy the woman is giving more to the male than she receives from him. The couple differs on many levels: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective selves. They might vote for different presidents, have exclusive plans from the other partner, and differ on their feelings about religion.
In the Equity model the couple includes the other partner in having a say in making decisions, however would accept the possibility to agree to disagree. There are still aspects of control in this relationship, because each party is still holding onto their own individuality. While a couple at this level of relationship might communicate better on the cognitive level than in the dominance level they do not always agree. Partners in the equity model of marriage will still differ in sensorimoter activities not done together, cognitive thoughts not agreed upon, and affective feelings not mutually felt.
The unity model of marriage is the only model that include spirituality of the after life and marriage. It includes taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings and finding ways to unify on the sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective self. All activities are done together, the other is never left out, thoughts are formulated from a conjoined affective belief that both parties share. The unity model is the only model that the woman is the leader when it comes to maneuvering with in the relationship.
Part D Calculate
the percent overlap.
|
Behavioral Indicators of One’s Relationship Model |
1 Dominance |
2 Equity |
3 Unity |
|
Partner believe in a different religion |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Husband has a “guys night out” |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Woman has no power in the relationship |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Husband votes for Bush Wife votes for Kerry |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Man gives into woman’s way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Man chooses the activities |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Couple disagree over what car to buy than negotiates |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Couple thinks of the other person before themselves |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Couple punishes the other for not getting their way |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners take separate vacations |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Level of respect for partner doesn’t diminish |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Man is excepting when his wife tries to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Couple argue than agree to disagree |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Couple have separate friends that the other doesn’t know |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Man tells the woman what she can and can’t do |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
One party puts their own feelings in front of the other persons |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Zeal for marriage decreases over time |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
One party of the relationship is unhappy |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Both people are completely satisfied with the relationship |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Status is not an issue in the relationship |
No |
No |
Yes |
The equity model has a 15% over lap with the unity model and the dominance model has a 10% over lap with the unity model. Therefore the unity model has and 84% difference over the equity model and a 90% difference form the dominance model.
Part E Discuss
what your results show.
From my results the unity model consists of very different specifications from the other two models of marriage. The unity model being the farthest from the dominance model and than would come the equity model.
Part F How
can such an approach be expanded to help couples be
more aware of their interaction pattern.
This approach could be adjusted and formed to fit specifics of a couple’s life by a therapist and handed to them to reflect and discuss how they feel specifics under these broad areas could be seen. For example first asking is status an issue in your relationship? If your wife asked you to come to her in front of your friends how would you respond? If someone assumed that she made more money than you would how would you feel? If your boss addressed your wife before he did you how would you feel?
While someone who is a participant of certain actions that fit into dominance or equity relationships some times they aren’t aware of it until they are put into a situation and allow their knee jerk reaction to reveal their true underlying beliefs. It takes the specific reaction of theirs to demonstrate to them what is underlying in them.
The woman I think is always on some level aware of these ques in a relationship, she is conscience of his actions and what they mean on an affective level. Therefore she knows where she stands with her mate. I feel that not enough women verbally communicate when a situation occurs that reveals these biases in beliefs and words. Like if status isn’t an issue than a man would have no problem with his wife making more money than him(money =power at least in our society).
I also think that verbal communication is important to let your partner know what you want, I am talking about effective communication, not passive, he knows what I mean, direct communication. I have noticed that a lot of women feel that when they are trying to tell their partner something that is important to them they feel silly, or that it is trivial. That is the man’s game of not caring about her, if he try’s to brush her off than tell him what he is doing, don’t let him get away with it.
When a man finds that her can get away with avoiding an uncomfortable situation he usually will the more he gets away with it the more he will do it. Women need to be assertive and confident when addressing problems with their partners. Than men have no excuse, theirs no escape either they don’t care or they will address you.
Part G Anything else you have to say.
I feel that no many levels it is healthy and good for a marriage for both partners to give up parts of themselves to make a more harmonious and joined life together. However what if you are not the same religion, would the man give up his to join with the woman. I feel that spirituality does not need to be included to be in a healthy loving joined relationship. What if I am an atheist?
The Question I am answering is 8
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm#Table%205
a) Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple. (b) Use some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple. (c) How do these data help you in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the unity model? (d) How do you explain these observations--what do they show or why are things this way with that couple? (e) Explain how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture, and spirituality. (f) Anything else you have to say.
Section 17. This is Table 5
Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor
Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4 ,7
1.
Who gets to hold and control the TV remote
2.
Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch
3.
Who chooses what restaurant to go to
4.
What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes,
body shape, hair, etc.
5.
How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other
regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others
6.
How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their
cognitive and affective self
7.
What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how
do they act and react
8.
How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at
home, sitting beside each other
9.
What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together
10. What are their
preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting
11. Who changes topics in a
conversation or introduces new topics
12. Who is attentive to the
other
13. Who doesn't answer,
looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out
14. Who yells, expresses
angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things
15. Who marks dates,
events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers
16. etc.
Part A Consider
Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners
in a couple.
The couple I will be describing and applying to the dominance, equity, and unity model of marriage with in the three fold self is a married couple they are about 50 years old. They have been married close to thirty years and have had a child who is now out of the house. I will be evaluating and observing their interactions to be able to make a judgment on were I feel they are located in the nine zones of unity.
Part B Use
some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a
couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple.
In table five are areas for evaluating dominance, equity and unity in the sensorimotor level. When evaluating who has control over the T.V. remote it is clearly the husband who is in the living room, however the wife eventually leaves and watches T.V. in the bedroom. From this I conclude that their relationship is primarily dominance and that she would like more of an equity model however, it is assumed that he will not give up his position.
The fact that her husband does not even offer to ask her what she would like to watch, rules out the equity model, because it is assumed that the only option is his way. From his decision to be in control and not be considerate of his wife she chooses to separate herself from him so that she can watch a show that she is interested in. This couple is clearly not in unity.
When this couple makes plans to go out to diner the options are limited because he will only eat at two restaurants while she loves to try new foods. On a regular evening they will eat out at his restaurants on an anniversary or birthday she can choose the restaurant. However on their past anniversary she declines going out to diner. It is some what evident that she doesn’t want to hear him complain about the restaurant she chooses so rather than deal with his disgruntled attitude while out, they stay home and she cooks diner.
Her husband is respectful to his wife in social setting never disrespecting her however; she does not challenge him or his views. The coldness in their relationship is evident on how they don’t interact. They never touch each other or even talk with one another, unless it is for house hold information. Their faces don’t smile when they see each other and when he jokes around about interests or things he would like to do she seams to hold back from the conversation with a made facial expression.
While he never seams to raise his voice or yell at her, she is the one who snaps at him. She will say things like “get it yourself” or not pretend to hear him and walk away cussing. She has a lot of pent up feelings and resentment for her husband due her needs not being met or even to be attempted to be met by her husband. He isn’t yelling at her or doesn’t have any disgruntled feeling because he is always getting his way.
Part C How
do these data help you in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship
in relation to the nine zones of the unity model?
It seams that this couple spends 90% of their sensorimotor activities doing separate things. The wife does not express her thoughts and definitely not her feeling to her husband. She appears to be intimidated. Perhaps in the beginning of their marriage she tried to establish this type of relationship and he was so difficult that she gave up and rather had maintained the peace. The couple does not exchange much in conversation that isn’t house hold oriented. Therefore, the couple isn’t unified on a cognitive or affective level.
The couple is in a dominance model of relationship however rather than choosing to be together the couple will do sensorimotor activities apart, therefore having aspects of equity form of relationship, however when they do do things together he is in control so it regresses back to dominance. Another level to evaluate is satisfaction he appears to be satisfied in getting his way, however she is resentful and not getting her needs met. This makes the point clear that their relationship is not even close to the equity model of marriage.
Table 5 is set up to get the observer to look at que's that indicate who makes the senorimotor decisions. This shows outwardly by actions where the power lies. How a couple interacts when making decisions is reflective of the type of relationship they are trying to model. By observing who and how decisions are made under a variety of sensorimotor activities it also shows who is content and happy and whose needs in the relationship is being met and who’s isn’t.
The table allows the observer to pay attention to how a couple enjoys the same things and how they come to solutions. These simple activities reveal clues to how the couple functions on a cognitive and affective level.
Part D Explain
how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity,
unity, biology, culture, and spirituality.
The wife in this relationship is defeated she has learned to avoid any conflict with in this relationship while at one time there is evidence that they were striving for an equal relationship he has broken her down through his methods of guilt, pouting, and emotional black mail. He has gotten to make the relationship purely about him self therefore dominate. She avoids him when he gets home from work and looks forwards to activities that she does by herself because that is when she will be able to choose what she wants to do rather than what he wants.
From the wives lack of effort to express her thoughts to the husband and assumption of defeat, it seams quite obvious that she has given up. Their affective selves are not even closely unified and she decides to keep the peace by not expressing her cognitive thoughts to her partner. She knows that if she does he will educe his power and their home life will be even more uncomfortable than it already is. She said to me “you know you have to pick your fights we fought a lot more when our daughter was living with us I wanted her to have more freedom.”
She has accepted his dominate rule and by separating her self from him she can have a tolerant existence in the marriage. She isn’t happy in her marriage and the couple sleeps in separate rooms. Clearly she doesn’t want much to do with her husband, and her resentment builds as the year’s progress. She was once a slender beauty who took much pride in her appearance but as the years of emotional neglect wore on she has put on a lot of weight and doesn’t take pride in her appearance. He never compliments her on her efforts and she seams less and less inclined to do any thing for him.
Part E Anything
else you have to say.
From my own experience in relationships I have found the quickest way to move out of the dominant model of the relationship is breaking it early on. Developing a strong friendship and voicing your feelings not be perceived as coy and soft spoken from the beginning. When a man tries to play games that will let him get his way call him on it, let him know I know what your doing it is not going to work with me. By refusing to allow him to play him games he will be forced to move to another form of resolving differences.
I think when a man who is genuine with male oriented motives finds an intelligent woman who is strong and with admirable qualities at heart, he will begin to trust her as their differences unveil and are dealt with in an honest and loving matter. When his respects her for her clarity grow they will move from equity to unity where he will trust her completely with her good intensions at heart. When the couple realizes their union is not just on earth but for eternity than the motivation to unify is viewed as everlasting.
It is intrinsic to have a strong foundation in a relationship built on the ability to answer questions honestly on the male’s behalf, and for the woman to property identify the games the male is playing and confront him on them. It is by properly identifying their differences that they can then try to find sameness. Moving to a conjoined self and abandoning their past separate identities.
Ultimately a man and woman are designed physically and mentally different however they are also designed to compliment one another. What one is weak in such as men identifying and expressing their emotions, the other shows them guidance. They are made to fit together.
When marriage between couples of different cultures occurs, this can conflict with many affective strong holds. For example in the Japanese culture it is very traditional, the man is the leader of the household and the woman has her assigned duties, the women are very soft spoken, and is customary for the woman to serve her husband, diner, drinks etc. For a couple to move out of this dominance role and into a unity model they would have to abandon the males control in the relationship and he would have to trust her judgment and leadership.
The Question I am Answering is 12
http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-lecture-notes.htm#Table%208%20and%209
(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are
commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama.
(b) Select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or
shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal
of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage. (c)
Now describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor
aspects of these interactions. (d) What are your reactions to these
observations? (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions are
portrayed so often? (e) What might be the consequences for couples and society?
(f) Anything else you have to say.
This is Table 9
1.
Living together unmarried
2.
Having children out of wedlock
3.
Making each other jealous on purpose
4.
Adultery for various reasons
5.
Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6.
Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner
7.
Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in
competition for certain things
8.
Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or
in competition for certain things
9.
Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without
their partners
10. Flirting with other
gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and
activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner
through deception
13. Accepting the idea that
it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that
one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their
faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only
entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea
that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that
men are more rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that
women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal
for a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal
for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal
for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor
(e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like
what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that
a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad
he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if
her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
Part A Consider
Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are
commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama.
In question 12 I have been fallowing three popular television shows and have made observations of what is being portrayed on the show in contrast to the unity model of marriage. I chose “That 70’s Show”, “Desperate Housewives”, and “Simpson’s” and watched at least two to five episodes of each of these shows.
Part B)
Select at least three programs for which you can watch several episodes or
shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each show to illustrate the portrayal
of gender interactions that are contrary to having a successful marriage.
In ‘That 70’s show the relationship between Eric and his new finance Donna agree to disagree when Donna wants to be a career woman and Eric wants her to be a stay at home mother. The couple could not come to a decision so they put the topic off to another time. This show also demonstrates how Jacky makes her boyfriend jealous when he refuses to go to a dinner party with her by asking his friend to go with her.
There is also another dynamic when the woman of the household Kitty is portrayed as a gitty moody alcoholic contrary to her unemotional angry cold husband. Her husband is non responsive to her emotional needs and when she tries to discuss her going through menopause with him he makes an excuse to leave.
In the show the Simpson’s Marge the woman of the household is portrayed as having the wisdom and intelligence whereas Homer her husband is a bumbling ignorant fool. He never listens to her and often makes horrible mistakes that affect the family. In the episode that I watched he bought an RV with out consulting with his wife. In another episode, Homer takes a “guys night out” and goes to a bachelor’s party in which pictures of him are circulated of him dancing with a stripper. Marge is horrified, hurt and humiliated after half of the community sees the picture of her husband.
In the show “Desperate Housewives” Salice cheats on her husband and they are in a constant manipulative fight for dominance over the other, using cruel and deceitful methods to get their own selfish ways. Salice receives a settlement for a large sum of money however makes it so he doesn’t receive access to the money. He has a private savings account in a foreign country that he keeps from her. Both parties continue to find out information on the other party and black mails the other person. He ultimately gets his way when he asserts physical abuse on her and makes her sign a post nuptial. She gets even with him by sleeping with another man.
Part
C Now describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor
aspects of these interactions.
In “That 70’s Show” the couple doesn’t use the disagreement to come together and unite on a sensorimotor level and affective level of how they are going to deal with deep rooted beliefs of what a woman’s role should be and what Donna wants to do with her life her hopes and dreams. The couple simply agrees to disagree and waits to later to discuss it. By making the commitment to marry they should be finding ways to come together and Eric should understand that she should be able to work and if they want children he will have to be apart of taking on the child care.
This couple is able to connect on a sensorimotor level by doing everything together and have mutual friends that they hang out with together. Donna and Eric communicate with each other on a cognitive level however because they don’t come to a decision on an affective level they will continue to conflict with one another.
Jacky’s manipulative methods with her boyfriend are attempts to get him to join her on a sensorimotor level to the dinner party. Jacky doesn’t approach the situation in the right way however her boyfriend has no desire to connect with her in a sensorimotor way. He has no desire to want to unite with her she is trying to trick him into it. The couple has not even reached communication on a cognitive or affective level. He is not willing to have a real relationship and she is not handling the situation to build trust with him, she if trying to get even and make him jealous.
In the dynamic of Kitty and her husband Red she drinks to deal with problems in her life, because she has no one to talk to. Kitty is going through menopause and when she tries to communicate with Red on a cognitive and affective level he finds an excuse to get out of it. Their relationship remains a little intact due to the sensorimotor activities that they do together however Red is in the dominate position so he chooses what they are doing. Kitty is very troubled so Red buys her a dog to give her the companionship that he lacks in giving her.
In analyzing the episodes of the Simpson’s it is clear that the couple is sensorimotorly separated in their activities. It is quite normal for Homer to go out with the guys and for Marge to stay home. Homer never asks for Marge’s cognitive input. This couple is disconnected on all three levels Homer won’t and doesn’t have any interest in hearing what Marge has to say. He is living his life as if he wasn’t married. This is a dominate relationship and has no inclination of variability to moving into aspects of an equity model of marriage and let along unity.
Homer’s lack of awareness of Marge’s feelings and unhappiness with his choices and that his relationship with her to have a guys night out and that Marge has no apparent friends except her sisters clearly demonstrates their lack of union, on sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective.
In the show “Desperate Housewives” Salice and her husband have no true marital connection. She is with him for his money and they have a deeply disturbed relationship. They both keep secrets from each other hiding their affective selves because their motives are cruel. The couple has so many resentful feelings for one another that they rarely spend any time with each other let alone do activities as a couple. They have no true union of marriage. Both parties are in the relationship for superficial reasons.
Part D What
are your reactions to these observations?
In “That 70’s Show I found Eric’s and Donna’s relationship not ready to move into one of marriage. Eric seems very self motivated and uncaring of Donna’s dreams in life and unwilling to understand her. They seam to have an equity model of relationship but hesitant on moving into unity.
In Jacky and her boyfriend’s relationship I feel that they are hopeless unless her boyfriend shows some interest in actually wanting a real relationship. She will never gain his trust to put down his walls if she keeps trying to manipulate him.
I find the Simpson’s the saddest portal of marriage because no matter how many times Homer hurts her he offers her no reciprocity. I find this a harmful message to children that men can and will get away with this type of behavior and that it is normal. I find that the downplaying of the affects of his actions on his wife the saddest part. While it is clear that Marge has insight, the episodes that I have seen never taps into him ever accessing it.
In “Desperate Housewives” none of the relationships are going to model anything healthy, the title of the show says it all. However a common theme with in the show is not talking about problems in their relationship. Perhaps that’s why the women are so desperate. I would be if my relationship was in genuine, disrespectful, and deceiving.
Part E What
is your explanation as to why these interactions are portrayed so often?
Ultimately none of these shows will demonstrate a healthy relationship because the interest is in the humor, or drama of the characters lives. The most disturbing part of this is that areas of humor are usually derived from family norms. The norms of husbands not wanting to discuss their thoughts and problems with their wives and respect their insight that they might have to provide, is problematic in our society. Since it appears to be a norm that couples don’t need to connect on an affective level and communicate in a very limited cognitive way, few partners experience marital bliss.
Consequently, from marital relationships not achieving true togetherness the couple is often miserable in the dominance form of marriage the wife is unhappy and the husband never achieve greatness with in himself. In the equity model of marriage both parities still have their own separate interests at heart so they never experience true closeness with their partner. Inevitably this could be the reason why there is such a high divorce rate as well as, happy marriages.
In the
Part F Anything
else you have to add.
Just recently with in the past thirty to forty years women have started to gain some of the rights as men. Women from being in unequal positions in society have no examples of how marriage could be. Men feel no need to give up their reigns in the relationship. Few marriages have reached levels of unity, so how many couples is their that illustrate this type of marriage?