Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Stephanie Lea Regucera
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 1, 3, 6, 7,12, 15
Question I am answering is #1:
It is sometimes
wrongly asserted that men have fewer feelings than women. (a) Show that this is not
true by discussing the threefold self and the role of the affective in relation
to the cognitive and sensorimotor.
Men in general
have been taught to hide emotions while growing up as little boys to when they
reach adulthood. It is in part of
cultural norms that it is ok for men not to express their true feelings. This can be illustrated through the threefold
self—sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective.
When a man is
attracted to a woman, it is shown through nonverbal communication; hence, the sensorimotor part.
That part is quite obvious for the man to let his partner know he is
interested. Then it gets difficult…
Then that
relationship begins to grow and the man can get into his partner’s mind and
understand what is going through her mind and make his decisions based on
such. Whereas, a woman may be bewildered
as to what is said inside her partner’s mind and may have to resort to playing
the guessing game.
The guessing
game is where relationships are made or broken.
Communication is essential in making a relationship work, and if a man
does not assert his feelings then the woman just assumes that he is not into
her. It is not to say that a man has
less feelings, it is that he does not know how to effectively communicate his
feelings. Lack of asserting feelings is
a hindrance to healthy relationship.
It takes quite
awhile for man to break free from the stronghold of cultural, societal, and
gender norms. There is absolutely no way
a man can be in an affective state of mind with a partner if he does not show
or assert his feelings. Pride may play a
part for the female, but it takes a significant amount of persistence from his
partner to make the male understand it is absolutely conducive to show feelings
to have a healthy relationship.
(b) Illustrate your argument with examples that
come from (i) your personal life and (ii) from the
media.
I have quite a
bit of pride when it comes to relationships.
Usually it is the man that will first admit his feelings towards me, and
then I tell him the feelings I have for him.
But there have been instances where I am the first to spill my feelings
for my man and then he is comfortable enough to tell me how he feels about
me. But more so, I find that guys just
leave me in the dark about how they feel.
More recently, I was seeing this guy, who I just clicked instantly with the
first time I met him. The attraction was
ever so evident and obvious that I knew there was an instant connection, the sensorimotor part.
Then we started hanging out more and more that we have touched the
cognitive part of what was the “beginnings” of a relationship. I could almost read what he was going through
his mind and he could with me, judging by the nonverbal communication we
shared. By the way, the nonverbal communication
between us was very evident and understood.
But as time went by, he asserted that he needed space. Fine by me, but I had to somehow get it out
of him and it was certain he felt guilty by having to tell me so.
I do not know
for certain that he has less feelings, it is just that he cannot get over the
communication factor of a relationship/friendship. I find that guys, in general, have that same
problem, so for women to comprehend what is going on, is definitely one or the
most significant obstacle in a relationship/friendship.
(c) Do men and women have the same awareness of (i) their own feelings and (ii) their partner’s feelings—how
do they differ?
Women have more
of an awareness of their feelings than men, from my experience. Most of the time, women know what exactly
they want and need from a man. On the
other hand, men have the most difficult time expressing what they need and want
or somehow they know what they want and need but cannot communicate it. As a result, it is said that men have less
feelings than a woman.
Women also have
a keen sense for knowing when something is wrong with the relationship and what
her man feels but will not say or communicate.
It is one of the most complicated and frustrating things to deal
with. I have dealt with many a men who are the same way and I thought I could somehow
weed them out of my presence, but it is a futile attempt.
(d) How does
this difference affect the dynamics and progress of the relationship?
When
communication of feelings is not said or asserted by either partner or both
partners, it slows down the progress of the relationship. Either one or both partners must realize what
is hindering them from being truly REAL in a sense of being honest with the
other partner. I believe it is essential
for both partners to be honest with one another and not being able to communicate
feelings is definitely an obstacle to being in unity.
Nominally said:
no communication=no relationship.
Question I am answering is # 3:
A husband and
wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having
fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some
disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout can happen
and what its cause is. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in
the Lecture Notes
The husband and
wife in the relationship are on a sensorimotor level
in their marriage. This means that they
enjoy the same activities and having fun.
The physically get along.
However, the next level is being on the same cognitive level. The description says nothing about being on
the same level cognitively. If they were
on the same level cognitively they would understand each other’s thoughts and
are conscious of the other’s thought.
And the highest level of unity is the affective level. It is where disrespect is unheard of and
respect for the body, mind, and soul is a must.
Then the
husband and wife have a fight where they demonstrate hatred and
disrespect. This does not happen on the
cognitive or the affective level. This
marriage is purely on the sensorimotor level. In order to reach full unity with each other,
I suggest the husband and wife should recognize each other’s thoughts and not
be disrespectful. Although obvious, it
just seems each person is just focused on themselves when it comes to their
thoughts, wants, and feelings. So they
must check their selfishness out of the relationship and become more aware of
each other.
As with any
relationship, I think space or having separate activities is healthy, so doing
the same things and hanging out with the same people can be, how do I say this,
boring? This is not in accordance to conjugial love, as in conjugial
love both partners are one in mind and spirit and this means they like to do
things together. That is a tough
situation to interpret, as yes it does make sense, but I just do not think that
happens in real life. Every now and then
you have to let yourself go out with some girlfriends for a girl’s night out,
or have my man do the same with his boys.
In that aspect you can have something to share with each other.
Another point,
I think it is necessary to go out and do your own thing to figure things out
and experience something that you would not have done otherwise, because you
were on “lockdown.” I believe two
individuals can have a healthy lasting relationship, but it takes
patience.
(b)
Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never
occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the
threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained in the Lecture Notes.
Married couples
can prevent such a tragedy from happening, by not rushing into marriage and
actually being on that top affective level with each other. On the affective level means knowing what the
other one is feeling and making righteous judgments and actions based on those
feelings. It is not said that it is
going to be perfect the entire time, because it is definitely not perfect. The marriage will work if both partners are
willing to accept each other despite everything that makes them not perfect,
and being on the same page. The same
page entails being on the same level physically, cognitively, and
affectively.
I am
answering Question # 6:
(a) Consider
Table 6 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
Table 6 can be
found on this link: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations.
(b) First
explain what this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a
couple of examples to illustrate concretely).
The table is
trying to show the different behaviors
that are found in relationships and divides them into the three models. Behaviors are shown to discriminate the
similarities from the differences of each model
(c) Give
brief explanations for what the three models are.
The
Dominance model is where the man
has complete control of the relationship.
The man uses manipulation and intimidation to control his woman’s
feelings and actions. The woman is his
puppet and the man is the puppeteer, where the woman is basically controlled by
the man. The couple differs on three levels: sensorimotor,
cognitive, and affective. They have differing opinions on religion,
politics, and hobbies.
The
Equity model allows each partner
to have equal partnership in the relationship.
Neither the man nor the woman has more control over the other’s
life. However, this is a hindrance
towards reaching unity as each person is an individual and not in unity. It is quite all right to agree to
disagree. Partners in the equity model
can have differences in the sensorimotor, cognitive,
affective levels.
The
Unity model is a model that incorporates spirituality of the
afterlife. After the physical world, the
couple spends all of eternity together in heaven. The relationship includes being responsible
for recognizing and understanding the other partner’s feelings. Furthermore, both partners alter their lives
to unify on the sensorimotor, cognitive, and
affective levels of self. Thus is the
having conjugial love, where no partner feels
excluded from the other’s life and vice versa.
Interestingly, the woman has the complete say in all that is said and
done in the relationship.
(d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you
make up yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns.
|
Behavioral
Indicators of Relationship Model |
Dominance Model |
Equity Model |
Unity Model |
|
Husband has a
“Boy’s Night Out” |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Couples
“agree to disagree” |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Couple has
separate groups of friends |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Husband
accepts a wife’s wishes and desires |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partner puts
him/herself before other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Husband tells
wife she cannot work |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Woman goes to
the spa w/o husband |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Woman likes
operas, Man likes sports |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Man begins to
think like a woman |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are
mutually interdependent |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each other to have
different opinions |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never diminish in enthusiasm
and admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners
retaliate and punish the other partner |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners have
complete trust in one another |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
The man
agrees to having a woman change them |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partner tries
to make the other partner happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Both
partner’s lifestyles are in accordance |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Man
acknowledges when he is wrong |
No |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners
enjoy spending all their time together |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Men and women
are free with their feelings |
No |
No |
Yes |
(d) Calculate the percent overlap.
The dominance model has an
70% overlap in answers with the equity model but only 5% overlap with the unity
model. The equity model has only a 35% overlap with the unity model. The fact that there is an overlap between
models indicates each relation of each model with each other. It seems, and is proven with the percentage, that the dominance and
equity models are very similar. It is between the equity model and unity
model that some change needs to take place in order for the relationship to
proceed.
(f) How can
such an approach be expanded to help couples be more
aware of their interaction pattern.
Creating a
table and listing each activities that can be
questionable can clarify if the relationship is heading in the right direction
towards the unity model. In addition, it
can put both partners on the same page when it comes to the interpretations of
each activity; thus, increasing communication between partners. Most importantly, it is getting on the right
path towards the Unity model and having conjugial
love.
Question I am answering is #7:
(a) Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding
of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger, summarizing
its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of
relationships between men and women.
In the book The
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger,
I am not surprised by some of the comments that come from this female
traditionalist. She has many interesting
points where I have, indeed, said “yes, I agree,” but for the most part she
contradicts a lot of what she says. Such
contradictions decrease her credibility about the subject.
(b) Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands
wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use
the unity model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the
husbands that wrote to her.
1) Jeff: “Well, I did that, and now my fiancé is all upset about it because it now has become a control issue as to whether or not I will tell my mom that they can’t go.”
The word “control” refers to the dominance model, hands down. Control and power are what damages relationships. According to this particular quote Jeff is having difficulty accepting control from his mother-in-law. This control problem is then transferred to his own relationship. His relationship is not of dominance; rather it has problems of dominance that can be mended to smooth out the relationship before his marriage.
2) Chris: “I would like the same thing out of my wife that I have been taught to give her: equal treatment and acknowledgement of my feelings.”
Keyword in the quote is “equal.” Equal as in the equity model where both partners have equal power within the relationship. Chris is pleading for reciprocated feelings of empathy. Although women are the ones who ask for acceptance and acknowledgement, men need the same as well. What Dr. Schlessinger does in her book that makes it perhaps a good read for women, is when to realize and acknowledge when her man is being underappreciated. Women are not perfect and yes, we slip too, so this is a perfect way to acknowledge our weaknesses.
3) Ray: “I can’t explain to you the progression from loving and nurturing husband, through concerned and understanding spouse, to frustrated and repressed male, and angry, depressed, curmudgeon, all the way to desperate wretch.”
Ray is quite angry at his wife at this moment in time. It seems as if recognition for his contributions to the family has gone unnoticed. In addition, he may be agitated because his wife is just not being a wife, which entitles being loving and nurturing. What this may represent is the equity model, where his (Ray) feelings as a loving and nurturing husband is not being reciprocated as his wife does not show the concern and understanding needed by him.
4) Edgar: “Prosperity has allowed women to be so independent, and thus so selfish. I always feel as though I come last—my feelings come last, my needs come last.”
This man is not only angry, but a hypocrite as well. He is talking about women being so selfish because they want to accomplish their own goals that they set themselves. What is wrong with being so independent? I can see how independence can be of trouble to a married woman, if she focuses more on her career than her family, but men do the same thing as well. “I” is constantly being repeated in the quote, indicating one thing: selfishness about his own needs. This right here is evidence of hypocrisy. His feelings and his needs are not addressed so he goes and accuses women of being selfish for taking care of themselves and the family. There is no fault in the women, but in the misconception of men of the double-duty of women.
5) Keith: “But I believe one of the major reasons for our success is that in moderation we are able to pursue our own interests, and in comparison with other wives that I have observed, mine doesn’t need me to provide her entertainment twenty-four hours a day. Having other interests makes us both of us more interesting to each other.”
Keith is in unity with his wife. One can argue that this quote belongs in the equity model, but I believe it belongs in the unity model. Reason being, neither one feels excluded nor abandoned in each situation whereas in the unity model the couple almost does everything together. But I firmly believe having different and the same hobby is very healthy for a relationship. Breathing room is a must in a relationship if that means going to dinner with the girls or going out hunting with the guys.
6) Brian: “I feel this is a form of manipulation: wanting to have things her way and not wanting to give me the same. Basically, it’s she that matters.”
This quote belongs in the dominance model. Brian uses a negative word “manipulation” to describe his wife’s behavior. Neither the equity nor the unity model allows any type of manipulation within the relationship. The relationship is unequal and it seems to be that the woman has the control in the relationship. One may wonder that could be a part of the unity model, but her husband has complete contempt for her control in the relationship.
7) Curtis: “…I really do want to be her White Knight. I really do want to come riding to her rescue. I really do want to sweep her off her feet and carry her away and live happily ever after.”
I love this quote because it is rare for
any man to say such a wonderful thing. Definitely a unity quote. Wonder why there is a high percentage of divorces in
8) Reverend Shane Cornutt: “A man is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the church. That means that a husband is required to love, care for, nurture, protect, comfort, and even be willing to die for his wife. That is love.”
This is once again a quote of unity. A husband is to do all the above for his wife and it says nothing about the wife to do the same because the wife already does such thing. A significant understanding of the unity model is that the woman has control in the relationship period. Unity is such a beautiful thing.
9) Steve: “Men are hurt just as much by abuse, or hurtful words, as women. Any form of coercion to get a man to do what you want is not only unproductive, it is damaging.”
The equity model protects a man’s rights as well as a woman’s. But more so of men because they are not seen as dominant human beings verbally, physically, and mentally beating down their wives, rather they are seen as needy human beings wanting feelings of love and support. So this demonstrates the sympathetic pleas of men for love.
10) Chris: “There’s a communion that happens during intercourse that will bond a man to his woman, and he in turn will then begin to give himself emotionally to her.”
Intimacy within a relationship whether
physical or emotional is a powerful yet beautiful aspect of a
relationship. For men they are biologically tuned in to be intimate with
a woman in a physical manner first, whereas a woman needs to be emotionally
intimate with the man to feel wanted. Such difference needs to be
recognized and accepted by both partners to negate the miscommunication that
may arise. Once both partners are intimate physically and emotionally,
now are they ready to be in unity, rather conjugial love.
(d) How do you see Dr. Laura's approach and what is
your evaluation of it?
Dr. Laura’s approach towards relationships and marriages is a very traditional one. In terms of traditional, this means the wives or women in the relationship are confined to domestic activities and child-rearing. Furthermore, they are to be at the beck and call of their husbands. This approach is completely one-sided and mirrors the dominance model where the man has total or majority of power in the relationship. In comparison to the two other models, the dominance model is one of “prehistoric” times and should not be of influence to relationships at present times. The focus of Dr. Schlessinger’s book is for women to be a “wife” to her husband and show him the respect he deserves. Definitely there are times when women slip and do not always show her husband respect, but it goes both ways. Dr. Schlessinger’s book is one a bias towards men; thus, neglecting a need for objectivity. There is a need to look at both sides of the relationship, as a result look at the marriage wholly and not just one part. I believe this is a more conducive way to finding trouble spots and fixing them immediately.
I am answering Question #12:
(a) Consider Table 9 in the Lecture Notes, which is
in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are
commonly portrayed in the media – soaps, comedy, drama.
Table 9 can be found on
this link: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy21/409b-g21-lecture-notes.htm#field-observations
This is
Table 9
1. Living together unmarried
2. Having children out of wedlock
3. Making each other jealous on
purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men other
than one's partner
7. Having a same sex best friend
who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual best
friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
9. Same sex friends going out as a
group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against
one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities accepted for
partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to
disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to
change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only
entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than
women
18. Promoting the idea that women are generally
frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have
prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men,
doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it
look like what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to
"grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the
minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are
still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
(b) Select at least three programs for which you
can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each
show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to
having a successful marriage.
I have watched
a few episodes of Sex in the City. The
infamous Sex and City, that I now refuse to watch because it is so
depressing.
One of the
characters, Samantha is constantly on the lookout for men and have no problem picking up men. Her relationships are often unhealthy as men
often dominate her or she dominates the man and then she is left alone,
figuring out what went wrong.
Another
character, Carrie Bradshaw, is absolutely in love with Mr. Big. She will do anything for him, such as stop by
with some food and wine when he just got off work. However, Mr. Big does not reciprocate the
sentiment as he rarely visits Carrie’s humble abode.
Then there is
Miranda, who is a big-shot lawyer who is very much respected among her colleagues. She is in a relationship and finds out she is
pregnant. She has the baby, but her and the baby’s father do not get along after birth. But after some time, she finally figures out
she loves the man and they get married.
(c) Now
describe the affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor
aspects of these interactions.
In terms of
Samantha’s situation, she is definitely attractive and attracts men on the sensorimotor level, but rarely gets to the cognitive stage,
as she rarely expresses her thoughts nor does her partner, and from what I have
seen she has not even touched the affective level of interaction.
In the instance
of Carrie Bradshaw, she and Mr. Big are definitely on the same page when it
comes to the sensorimotor and cognitive levels,
unfortunately, Mr. Big moves to
And last but
not least, Miranda and her husband eventually work out their “irreconcilable”
differences, but it took Miranda quite a while to figure out her feelings for
her husband. However, to me they seem to
be on the same level of each of the three aspects: sensorimotor,
cognitive, and affective.
(d) What are your reactions to these observations?
As a result to
watching a significant amount of episodes, I now refuse to watch anymore
episodes because the show itself was just depressing. Here are these 30-40 year old women going
through relationship after relationship and not finding anything meaningful.
(e) What is your explanation as to why these
interactions are portrayed so often?
These
interactions are portrayed so often because it is the perception of what
relationships are like nowadays in
(e) What might be the consequences for couples and
society?
The
consequences can be more of a rationalization of couples as to which behaviors
are acceptable and which behaviors are not acceptable. In the
(f) Anything else you have to say.
I guess it is
safe to say that I just do not want to end up in their shoes when I am their
age. As a result, it is definitely to my
benefit that I take what I have learned through the analysis of the three
models and apply it to my relationships.
Question I am answering is #15:
(a) Describe the Web presence of Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Dr. Deborah Tannen.
What does one find when looking them up with google?
(b) What do people say about them?
People absolutely love
writing to Dr. Laura Schlessinger for advice. And more often than not, they take her advice
and apply it to their relationships. Not
only is this a bad thing, but you cannot really blame the person who wrote her
in the first place because a normal relationship in
Deborah Tannen takes another approach in critiquing and analyzing
relationships through a linguist point of view.
This is quite different and very much so
interesting as it is not very often we get to see that point of few. Most people on the internet agree that
communication is a vital part of any relationship and for a linguist to study
communication among partners can be helpful to anyone reading her books and
articles.
(c) Do they seem to have influence?
Both Dr. Schlessinger and Deborah Tannen
have an influence to those who read their books and articles, or listens in to
the radio shows. People continually ask
for advice concerning their relationships and how they can make things “right”
so to speak. In American society, there
is a need for a “quick fix,” but when it comes to relationships, it takes a lot
of time and patience to mend a broken relationship.
(d) Are they popular?
Yes, they are both
popular, well rather Dr. Schlessinger is more
popular. It is not to say Deborah Tannen is not popular because there are a lot of responses
to her articles and books. They are
popular because I said people are looking up to professionals in the field of
relationships and marriages to help mend broken ones or help improve
relationships. There are numerous of
professionals and beliefs out there that try to define what a healthy
relationship is, but people are not willing to spend time to research what to
do to achieve a healthy relationship. As
a result, people subscribe to what is available to them and what is convenient,
either that be reading one of Deborah Tannen’s book in class or listening in to Dr. Schlessinger
on the radio.
Discussing all three
models of relationships and marriages with my friends has been definitely
helpful to me and my friends. To me
first, because the more I talk about it, the more I understand it and the more
it sinks into my mind. To my friends,
they are not open to other models being used out in a scholarly fashion because
what was used back in the day is definitely what was being used today.
For example, when my
grandparents were dating and young, the model of choice for relationships would
be the dominance model, where the man makes all decisions and the woman accepts
without any say. At first it worked
well, but being the strong woman my grandma is, she pushed that model through
the equity model. While she because an accountant, a professional by nature, my dad
was the one who took care of his siblings while my grandma worked and earned a
supplementary income.
Presently, I have
analyzed my grandparents marriage using the models I have learned through this
class and it is without a doubt that they are clearly in unity; thus, in
accordance with the unity model. They
have been married now for 50+ years and they must be doing something right, so
here I am trying to figure out what in their relationship made their marriage
last so long.
My grandparents
absolutely adore each other and you would never see one without the other. They travel extensively around the
world. They are well-read and follow and
read the news religiously. My family is
clearly matriarchal as my grandma makes all the decisions and my grandpa and
the rest of the family obeys without putting a fight, or in other words “what
says, goes.” A significant part of my
grandparent’s relationship is how much say my grandma has and how my grandpa
respects and adores her, obviously in unity with each other.
While first hearing
about the unity model, I have never heard of such a thing and it is just beyond
my realm of relationships, of course I am still young. But by hearing about it every week and by
discussing the model, I have come to actually see it play out within my
grandparents’ marriage. It is definitely
a relationship/friendship/marriage I hope to have in the future and I most
definitely have faith that it is out there…
My
Report on the Current Generation (22)
Oral report #1
Given by Laina Beard on
Laina presents three topics
relating to Before Marriage and After Marriage, by Peter M. Buss. Laina first describes the
three states of heavenly marriage, which include: attraction, conjunction of
minds, and being in true conjugial love.
Then she goes on to
describe all the different kinds of love there is and the ultimate of them all
is conjugial love (genuine love) which exists in the
third and final state of heavenly marriage. The first of the loves is romantic
love, and then is friendship in love/mutual love, and finally genuine
love. How each relationship progresses
through each relationship depends on the effort of the partners. It also takes time to go through each state;
thus, patience and understanding is needed if the relationship to work
She expresses her
opinions of agreement that there are different kinds of love which belong in
one of the three states of heavenly marriage.
Most or all relationships progress through each state, ultimately
achieving conjugial love.
To close her
presentation, Laina states how the three states of
love are applicable in the real life.
She states that romantic love is not enough sustain a love, there needs
to be mental and spiritual union. Her
last point is states that when we are ready for marriage, we must need trust in
love and patience.
Laina made very valid and
persuasive points that may seem common sense, but are important in a
relationship. All too often, people
forget why they are in a relationship or in a relationship standstill. Actually, what is a relationship? The presentation was an introduction of terms
of love of Peter M. Buss that are relevant in everyone’s relationships. There were no disagreements between my
beliefs and hers, but a better understanding of the three states of love and
its application in my relationship.
Oral Report #2
Given by Jenny Kwan on
Jenny presents on pages
82-95 in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by
Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger. Her three concepts include: The “world is only on my shoulders” syndrome, men are human beings with
emotional needs, wives are not communicating with husbands; they are using them
as girlfriends.
The first concept “the world is only on my shoulders” syndrome describes
how women are tired and worn out to love their husbands. Dr. Laura adamantly states that a woman’s job
is to make sure a man’s needs are met.
Like any of the females in the room, Jenny states her disgust and
disagreement to such a concept that a woman must make the effort to please her
husband. Such a concept is one-sided as
what is a man suppose to do to make is easier for his woman so that she is not
so tired all the time. Dr. Laura has
some valid points but fail to look at the whole picture, as she always sides
with the men in a relationship and marriage.
The second concept states that men are human beings with emotional needs. We, as in society, often see men as
apathetic, not having emotional needs.
They are humans too, so as humans we always have the need for emotional
acceptance. Jenny suggests that women
should try to look through the eyes of men in terms of emotional
acceptance. Women often forget that
their husbands have emotions as well.
Jenny states that wives need emotional support and acceptance as well,
but men are not as fast to offer those needs as they are not seen as such
emotional creatures. I agree with Jenny
that wives need to be emotionally assured and encouraged.
The third and final concept Jenny states is that wives are not
communicating with their husbands. Well,
wives are using their husbands to gossip with, talk story with, basically using
them as their girlfriends. That is why
women have girlfriends, to do the necessary or unnecessary talking with
girls. Communication is definitely a must
in a relationship, but the miscommunication in a marriage, if often the
different interpretations of men and women.
Women value communication for closeness, but men believes closeness is
being physically intimate with their women.
This all makes sense, but as Dr. James says, it takes a long or not some
long while for men to realize and recognize their women’s needs. As discouraging as it may seem, a women’s
persistence and fidelity is evermore important in reaching that state for men.
Oral #3
Given by Britton Komine on
Britton presents on Chapter 11 of Before Marriage and After
Marriage by Peter
M. Buss. His
three concepts include: The Face of Love, the Honeymoon Stage, and Bridging the
Gap.
Britton
first describes the Face of Love. He
states sharing of spiritual thoughts and feelings is love. Moreover, friendship is sharing natural
feelings and thoughts. A relationship
between two people contains as friendship.
Within a friendship you know what makes a person mad or happy and acceptance
of who that person is. I agree with the
thought that love includes the sharing of spiritual thoughts and feelings. When such thoughts and feelings are
repressed, there is not that communication conducive to a healthy
friendship/relationship. In the Unity
model, the acceptance of spiritual thoughts, beliefs, and feelings is necessary
for both partners to be one, which I also believe strongly to be true.
The
second concept Britton describes is the Honeymoon stage. The beginning of all relationships is of
intense sexual attraction. This stage
eventually burns down and a friendship is ready to be made. I do not see how there can be that burning
desire and attraction to your partner, but also have that growing
friendship. Of course it takes a lot of
effort and hard work, but some people just do not recognize how significant it
is to a healthy relationship.
The
third and final concept is Bridging the Gap.
This entails that friendship is the bridge between the honeymoon stage
and an everlasting, deep current of love that will gradually build up
within. Friendship is necessary for conjugial love and as obvious that may seem, some relationships do not have that friendship aspect to
it. I fully believe that honest and
genuine friendship is necessary for a love to grow.
Advice to Future
Generations
This
class taught by Professor Leon James has definitely given me insight on relationships
and marriage. The ideas such as the
three-fold self; the dominance, equity, and unity models; cohabitation, friendship,
conjugial love and then some, has brought insight,
understanding, and life into my relationships this past semester.
The
seminar-style class requires full participation by all members of the
class. I believe that a healthy heated
discussion among all members of the class is conducive to learning and
understanding the concepts in the readings.
Speak up if you have anything to say or something that is said bothers
you. It may bring up another comment or
opinion; thus, having a discussion. It
also O.K. to disagree with what is being said, I believe it brings more life to
a discussion.
I
recommend that you read all the assigned literature before class, so you know
what concepts you did not understand or want to comment about such topic, or
maybe just stir up the class a little by saying something a bit out of place (
I had fun with that one). Truly, the
class is not work-intensive, but it is a must that you get the work done. At first I did not like doing the reports and
thought it was irrelevant, but as I started doing them with a lot of thought
and effort, the more I understood the concepts and developed my own opinion on
what I have learned and understood the concept to be.
As
I am writing this part of the report, it is now two days past the deadline, as
a result of procrastination. I put it
off, not wanting to do it thinking it is waste of my time. I know this feeling will arise in some of you
reading this, but as a student in your shoes, it definitely is a class I will
never ever forget, actually maybe that one class I will remember when I am gray
and old. So, here it is be active in
class and listen with an open mind and heart. The insights I have gained while
doing this report is numerous and significant, and would not have been made if
I half-assed this report.
So
as a last word to all ya’ll, JUST DO IT.
Mad
Love~Steph
Class Home
Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm
My Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/regucera/home.htm