Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/409b-g22-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 3, 6, 10, 12, and 13
The Question I am
answering is Question 3
A husband and wife seem to
get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being
popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and
they show disrespect and hatred for each other. (a) Explain why this turnabout
can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory
given in the Lecture Notes. (b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this
flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to
apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self, as explained
in the Lecture Notes. (c) Anything else you have to say.
(a) There are different phases that a couple
goes through throughout their relationship.
One minute they could be happy, expressing love and being affectionate
to one another, and the next minute they could be displaying signs of
discontent and hostility. This
alternating flip-flop cycle is the typical behaviors that define the dominance
and equity models of the threefold self.
A
couple’s ultimate goal is to reach the unity phase of the threefold self. It cannot be achieved by desire alone. It is a developmental process that the
couple must go through in order to obtain a unified marriage with each
other. It requires each partner to grow
with one another while dropping traits that do not fit with the other person
and developing new traits as well.
The
dominance model is where the couple’s feelings are controlled by reward and
punishment. Their thoughts and feelings
are not aligned. They are only
physically in tune with one another. It
is very common for the couple to make love with one another and it may seem
like they are mentally and spiritually connected to one another, however, when
they display acts of hostility, that is only a flip-flop between the dominance
and equity models.
During
this phase they are connected at the sensorimotor level. They enjoy activities such as going to the
movies, dining out, hobbies, etc. Often
times when a couple at this stage gets into an argument, you will see signs of
resentment and anger towards one another.
They will start to disrespect each other. However, after they make up everything will seem to be okay until
the next argument comes up in which their previous feelings of resentment and
anger surface once again.
In
the equity model, the couple is cognitively conjoined. This is basically power sharing. They learn to compromise on certain
things. Their responsibilities are
shared through negotiation and compromise.
This phase involves the cognitive self.
Their reasoning and thinking are aligned with one another. Women have an easier time achieving this
phase than men because they are inborn with a desire for conjunction and
reciprocity. Men on the other hand, are
in love with their own thinking and ideas.
To conjoin himself with another woman is seen to him as giving up his
beliefs and compromising his masculinity.
The
final stage of the threefold self is the unity level. This is the inmost level where the couple’s feelings, loves,
goals, and desires are all conjoined.
As mentioned earlier, this phase cannot be achieved by desire
alone. It is something that can only be
achieved through time and from mutual reciprocity.
During
this stage, both partners are involved in every aspect of the other person’s
lives. To have something in your life
that excludes the other person from it prevents the couple from achieving and
maintaining eternal unity. They are
essentially one mind and one spirit. At
this point the man believes in “life after death.” He believes that the marriage is for eternity. All his doubts and feelings of resistance
have now subsided. He will keep himself
from disagreeing with her.
(b) Hostility in a relationship destroys
unity. Even if the couple is able to
make up and express love to each other later.
When a couple is truly united to one another, it is impossible to have
feelings of hostility towards one another.
Couples can start to achieve cognitive unity when they learn how to
negotiate and agree on different things.
It is a gradual process and will work if both partners are sincere. Power sharing plays a huge role in the
equity phase. When their ideas and
beliefs start to become more similar to one another, they start to get along
better and agree more. Slowly by
talking things over, they can start to influence each other’s thinking.
However,
there are still times when the husband may feel he has the right to explode and
hurt his wife. This can only be changed
if the husband accepts his wife’s attempts to influence him and changes his
habits and traits. The husband needs to
put his wife above everything else in his life. This is ultimately what the wife wants; to be connected to her
husband in every way.
(c) As I observe my friends in their
relationships, I can see how one fight can be so destructive to a
relationship. Things can be going
great, and the next minute a totally different personality emerges out of
them. Hurtful words are carelessly said
to one another that slowly start to eat at their relationship. I suppose this is why dating can be so
difficult and frustrating at times.
It’s like trying on all these different outfits until you find the one
that fits the best. It can be very
draining.
I
think in every relationship you are going to have disagreements and
arguments. It is inevitable and will
continue on until you and your partner reaches a unified connection with one
another. And until you reach that stage
I think it is most important to remember to respect the other person even when
you are arguing.
It
is so easy to speak without thinking.
Although it is healthy to say what you feel, you need to make sure it
comes out the way you want it to. Words
spoken out of anger and resentment could ruin the relationship. Often times the person saying theses things
has no clue how much what he/she said hurt the other person. When you truly love someone, you shouldn’t
need to have to think before you speak because it is in your instinct to know
what could hurt the other person. If
you love that person, you shouldn’t have feelings of resentment that may cause
you to say things that you will regret.
Personally,
I have never been in a relationship where disagreements were at a minimum. I’ve actually never came close to it. I too, am guilty of saying hurtful words to
my partner when arguments arise and tension elevates. I suppose with time, I will learn more about myself and how to
love better.
(a) Consider Table 6 in the
Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model,
along with Yes/No specifications for the three models. (b) First explain what
this table is trying to show and how it is doing that (give a couple of
examples to illustrate concretely). (c) Give brief explanations for what the
three models are. (d) Create a similar table of 20 new items that you make up
yourself, and fill in the Yes/No columns. (d) Calculate the percent overlap.
(e) Discuss what your results show. (f) How can such an approach be expanded to
help couples be more aware of their interaction pattern. (g) Anything else you
have to say.
(a) Table 6 is a list of various situations that
differentiate between the dominance, equity, and unity model.
Section 18. This is Table 6
|
Behavioral Indicators of |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
Partners tolerate role
differences, either culturally defined or by personal preference |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners tolerate
some disagreements as something normal and inevitable |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners tolerate
status differences between a man and a woman |
Yes |
No |
No |
|
Partners insist on
exclusivity so that neither may carry on close friendships with others |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each
other privacy or separate activities that the other is not involved in |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners believe themselves
to be married in this life and in the afterlife in heaven to eternity |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Each partner is
tolerant of some of the other's faults and tries to live with them |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
The man always cooperates
with the woman's attempts to change him |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
When partners
disagree they negotiate to reach a consensus |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
When partners
disagree the man gives in to the woman's way of thinking |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners can't stand
being separated even for a few hours, and get very anxious |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners are mutually
interdependent and complementary in all areas |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners have total confidence
in each other, feeling free of any criticism ever |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners never try to
punish each other or retaliate for anything |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
While making seating
choices for guests at a wedding, splitting up the married couples |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners assume
responsibility for each other's feelings and emotions |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
Partners try to make
each other happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Partners allow each
other to have incompatible opinions about various topics |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Partners never
diminish in enthusiasm and admiration for each other |
No |
No |
Yes |
|
The original passion
of love decreases as the years go by |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
etc. (add your own
here) |
|
|
|
(b)
Above is a list of behaviors
that are commonly displayed in relationships.
Each behavior is assessed in accordance to the dominance, equity, and
unity models. Yes = This behavior is
tolerated during this phase. No = This
behavior is not tolerated during this phase.
For
example, “partners tolerate some disagreements as something normal and
inevitable.” This will agree with the
dominance and equity models, but not the unity model. There are often disagreements in dominance and equity
levels. During these levels, the couple
will learn how to negotiate and compromise.
However, in the unity level, there are no disagreements.
(c) In the dominance model, the couple is
conjoined by the sensorimotor. They are
physically connected. The couple enjoys
doing things together like watching movies, sharing similar hobbies, etc.
In
the equity model, the couple is conjoined cognitively. They start to get along more through
compromise and negotiations. There are
still occurrences of arguments and disagreements. However, their thinking is connected.
In
the unity model, the couple’s inmost feelings and needs are conjoined. The man submits to the woman’s innermost
wisdom. He is affectively united to
her. They share everything together and
it is as if they are one person. They
are conjoined together through sacred bonds for all of eternity. The man now adapts to a new philosophy for
their relationship. He finally
understands that his wife can see things that he cannot, and that through her
wisdom they can achieve eternal unity.
As you go through the list you can try to relate them to
experiences that you’ve had in your relationships and connect them to the
different phases of the threefold self.
For example, “The couple doesn’t feel the need to spend all their time
with one another.” This is clearly ‘no’
for the unity model. In the dominance
and equity models, they are not spiritually conjoined yet. Spending time away from one another can
sometimes feel good to them. However in
the unity model, you are both one person and do be away from your partner would
mean that you are missing a part of yourself, and you are not fully happy.
(d) I compiled my own list of possible behaviors
in relationships and rated them to be dominance, equity, or unity.
Behavioral Indicators of
One’s Relationship Model
|
1 Dominance Model |
2 Equity Model |
3 Unity Model |
|
The couple’s inmost wants
and needs are conjoined. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
The couple agrees on
everything without compromise. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
Time away from one another
can be healthy. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
It is okay for either
couple to take time out to be with friends. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Both partners seek to
make each other happy. |
YES |
YES |
YES |
|
The couple will continue
to be united through eternity. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
The man feels that he is
entitled to sex with the woman whenever he desires. |
YES |
NO |
NO |
|
The more time spent
together, the more the passion can decrease. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Both partners are able to
bask in each other’s glories and achievements. |
NO |
YES |
YES |
|
The couple is not
complete unless they are together. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
Upon disagreements, the
couple is able to compromise and negotiate. |
NO |
YES |
NO |
|
The man submits to the woman’s
inner wisdom. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
The couple doesn’t feel
the need to spend all their time with one another. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Small arguments and
disagreements can be healthy. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Both partners feel no
jealousy. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
Both partners can
understand what either of them are thinking or feeling at any given moment. |
NO |
NO |
YES |
|
It is okay to have other
close, personal relationships. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
Displays of hostility
towards one another is understandable. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
|
It is okay to communicate
with ex-lovers. Just as long as
nothing is going on. |
YES |
NO |
NO |
|
Taking time away to
"cool off" after an argument is okay and understandable. |
YES |
YES |
NO |
(e)
In the chart above, the dominance model has an 80% overlap with the
equity model and only a 15% overlap with the unity model. The equity model has a 25% overlap with the
unity level. From the data I have just
provided, you can see that the unity model is the most different and most
difficult to obtain. The equity model
is more similar to the unity model than the dominance model.
(f)
As a couple, you can compile your own list of behaviors that go on in
your relationship. This will give you
the opportunity to visually see what might be causing problems in your
relationship. Together, you can assess
what you both can do to improve the relationship. This also gives you the opportunity to see what level of the
threefold self you are in and what needs to be done to grow together in
harmony.
The Question I am
answering is Question 10
(a) Consider Table 8
in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It shows how to construct behavioral illustrations that fit the patterns of
contrast between the three models. (b) Make up 5 new items for each of the four
patterns shown there. (c) See if you can think of a fifth pattern, with
illustrations. (d) Once you have the new table ready, copy the items on a
separate page (without the three model columns), and give it to a some of your
friends to fill out regarding their own behavior as a couple (Yes or No for
each item). (e) Discuss the results. (f) Now relate these findings to the
ennead chart in the Lecture Notes. (g) Anything else you have to say.
(a) The table below is a list of differences and
disagreements that couples may face in their relationship. Note that the unity model does not tolerate
disagreements.
|
Yes = tolerates at times a difference or
disagreement about that issue |
1 |
2 |
3 |
|
What restaurant to go to |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What to order on the menu |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What movie to go to or rent |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What either should wear somewhere |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What friends to socialize with |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
How to deal with money or investments |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
How to deal with the children |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Where to live |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
How to deal with family |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What political party to support |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Physical abuse or violence |
No |
No |
No |
|
What they laugh at |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
What they feel sentimental about |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
(b) My list……. |
|||
|
Where to go out |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What television show to watch |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What radio station to listen to |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Who’s driving |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
What time to go out |
Yes |
Yes |
No |
|
Which side of the bed to sleep on |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
How to rearrange furniture |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
What kind of automobile to buy |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Amount of money spent monthly |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
How many children to have |
No |
Yes |
No |
|
Swearing at each other |
No |
No |
No |
|
Disrespecting one’s family |
No |
No |
No |
|
Violence towards wife |
No |
No |
No |
|
Violence towards children |
No |
No |
No |
|
An affair with another person |
No |
No |
No |
|
What they enjoy doing |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
What their passions are |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
What makes them sad |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
What makes them happy |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
|
Goals in life |
Yes |
Yes |
Yes |
(e) I
gave the list that I have compiled of common disagreements in relationships to
8 friends. For every one of them, “Yes”
was checked most often. This shows that
many people believe that disagreeing on certain things with your partner is
okay. I also got some feedback from
them and they said that they feel that minor arguments can be healthy and even
better for the relationship.
(f) I personally
feel that disagreeing with your partner isn’t a bad thing. Of course I would love to start out at the
unity level in my relationships, but that wouldn’t work. Disagreeing with your partner is only part
of the process that allows you to finally reach that unity level of the
threefold self.
Due to the fact
that majority of my friends are not married, they have a different perspective
on things. I think when you’re dating,
all the disagreements and arguments help you to get to know the other person
better. However, the process isn’t fun
at all. It can be very emotionally
draining as well. Just like a roller
coaster ride, you have your ups and downs.
You
date someone in hopes that he/she may be the one who will complete you and can
spend the rest of your lives together.
Until you find that person, you end up meeting the wrong ones, the ones
that hurt you and take you for granted.
This is why when you are just dating someone, you are still getting to
know the person. You know very little
about what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling and least of all what makes
them angry. This is why disagreements
occur a lot However, with every
relationship you go through, the more you learn about yourself and the more you
learn what you actually want from your partner.
The Question I am
answering is Question 12
(a) Consider Table 9 in the
Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations.
It lists two dozen AUVs – anti unity values that are commonly portrayed in the
media – soaps, comedy, drama. (b) Select at least three programs for which you
can watch several episodes or shows. Briefly describe a few scenes from each
show to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that are contrary to
having a successful marriage. (c) Now describe the affective, cognitive, and
sensorimotor aspects of these interactions. (d) What are your reactions to
these observations? (e) What is your explanation as to why these interactions
are portrayed so often? (e) What might be the consequences for couples and
society? (f) Anything else you have to say.
(a) Examples of anti-unity values (AUVs) that are often promoted in the media include:
1. Living together unmarried
2. Having children out of wedlock
3. Making each other jealous on purpose
4. Adultery for various reasons
5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality
6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner
7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things
9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners
10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)
11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners
12. Manipulating partner through deception
13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things
14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.
15. Girls only or boys only entertainment
16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important
17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women
18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender
19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women
20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women
21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)
22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important
23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)
(B) Home Improvement:
Scene 1: Tim and Jill are on their way to a wedding
out-of-state. It is snowing and they
start to get lost. They are also
running late. Jill asks Tim to stop at
a gas station to get directions. Tim
refuses saying that “men don’t ask for directions," and "we’re not
lost.” After Jill’s constant nagging to
stop for directions, Tim finally pulls over.
However, he goes in the gas station but does not ask for directions,
refusing to obey Jill. Instead he waits
in there for a few minutes and then goes back to the car. They start driving again and in result, get
even more lost and they both end up missing the wedding because of Tim's
stubbornness to ask for directions.
The
scene clearly exemplifies male dominance.
Tim’s simple refusal to admit that he didn’t know where they were going
and refusal to ask for help shows that having dominance over the relationship
and not admitting to his wife that she was right is keeping him from having a
unified marriage.
Many
of the men that I know have a problem with admitting when they are lost, or
when they can't find something. They
refuse to let down their pride and ask for help. It can get very frustrating.
I think it's pitiful how men can be so fixed on displaying acts of what
they think masculinity is, while it only makes them appear weaker than they
are. I feel that admitting when you are
wrong, or when you need help shows just how strong you really are. Admitting defeat is never easy, therefore,
it takes a bigger man to do it.
Scene 2: Jill is giving a presentation as one of her
requirements for the graduate program that she is in for Psychology. She is really excited about this and asks
Tim to come and support her. Tim goes
with out grumbling. However, after her
speech, he meets up with some of his friends and complains to them about how
boring her speech was and that he couldn’t believe that he had to sit through
the whole thing. What he didn’t know
was that he accidentally left the video camera on and was recording the whole
conversation. Jill ended up watching
the video and was very hurt by Tim’s comments.
It resulted into an argument.
This
was wrong on all levels. When you truly
love someone, their passions in life should become your passions in life. What is important to them is just as
important to you. What Tim did in this
scene was very hurtful and cruel. This
is another example of a man desperately trying to display what he thinks
masculinity is.
While
Jill and Tim were arguing, Tim mentioned how he only said those things because
he was with his friends and they were having "guy talk." To make himself appear more masculine and
dominating, he needed to bash on something that he knew was very important to
his wife. This is why men cannot have
close relationships with other males.
Having other relationships is seen as resisting unity with his
wife. However, when women spend time
with her friends, she is supporting her marriage. It is because men have an inborn resistance towards a unified
marriage.
Everybody Loves Raymond:
Scene 1: Ray and Debra both agree that they need to
spend more time alone together without their children. Since Ray loves golf, Debra decides that she
should learn how to play in hopes that it could be something that they could to
together as a couple. Ray, a little
reluctant, agrees to teach Debra how to play.
The day started out good. They
were having fun and flirting with each other and things seemed to be going
really well. However, as the day went
on, Debra started giving Ray some helpful tips on how he was golfing. In result, Ray got very angry and refused to
listen to Debra’s suggestions. After
arguing for a while, they both agreed that they wouldn’t play golf together
again and that golf was Ray’s time away and Debra shouldn’t try to sabotage
it.
In this scene, the Ray and Debra seem like they are slowly trying to
evolve into a unified partnership. They
both want to be included in the other person’s life outside the daily family
interactions. They were having a great
time playing golf until Debra tries to give Ray advice. Ray suddenly put the relationship back into
the dominance level. He refused to
acknowledge that his wife may actually help improve his golfing skills.
This situation is similar to the scene
I previously discussed on Tim and Jill and how Tim refused to admit that he was
lost. If Ray and Debra were in fact in
a unified marriage, Ray would have no problem with trying to protect his
manhood and take Debra’s advice without letting it affect his pride. It seems like protecting your pride is a
common problem amongst men and women.
However, I feel that men have a harder time admitting when they are
wrong. They are blinded by the
“masculine” features that they were born with.
Men are in love with their own
wisdom. They feel that they know best
and try desperately to protect their masculine appearance that they have tried
so hard to obtain. Many men believe
that by giving in to a woman signifies that you are weak. They were not born with the need and desire
to conjoin as women were.
Scene
2: Debra plays a role as a
housewife. She takes care of the three
children everyday. During one weekend,
she asks Ray to watch over the children while she goes to shop for drapes. Ray gets irritated and says no because he
wants to go golfing. Debra wants him to
spend time with the kids because they rarely get a chance to. They end up getting into an argument and it
results in Ray agreeing to watch them because he could see that Debra was
getting really angry. Later during the
day, Debra comes home and finds out that Ray dragged the kids along with his as
he went golfing. Another argument
emerges.
Ray should have realized that he does
need to spend more time with his children and take into consideration that
Debra was worried about it. Also, golf
seems to be an escape from his family and Debra. Ray also knew that Debra wouldn’t want him to bring the children
along as he golfed all day, but did it anyway.
This situation is not only
disrespectful to Debra but also to his children. Ray hardly spends quality time with his children and yet, he
didn’t do what they wanted to do, but what he wanted to do. This was really selfish on his part.
Friends:
Scene
1: Rachel is getting ready for a Ross’
work party. Ross starts to get really
nervous because it is almost time to go and Rachel still hasn’t picked her
outfit. Rachel ends up trying on
several outfits and Ross starts to get frustrated. Rachel assures Ross that she is trying to hurry, but she just
wants to look really nice for his dinner.
Rachel finally decides on an outfit, but now doesn’t know what shoes to
wear with it. Ross gets really angry
and speaks to Rachel with hostility and disrespect. In result they start to get into an argument.
This scene exemplifies the dominance
model of the threefold self. Rachel was
actually on time and just wanted to look good for Ross. Ross in turn, gets really frustrated and
raises his voice to her. It is very
common among couples for a partner to “lose his/her cool” when frustration
reaches a peak.
To speak to your partner with
hostility and disrespect prevents you from having a unified marriage. In a marriage based on eternal unity, it is
impossible for either partner to speak in that manner. Perhaps instead, Ross should have took into
consideration that Rachel was taking long to get ready because it was important
to her that she looked good for him.
Scene
2: Phoebe and Mike have been dating for
a while, and things are getting very serious between them. Mike then tells Phoebe that he has no desire
to get married, although things are going great between them. They both love each other and want to be together,
but Mike’s refusal to marry breaks them apart.
This is another example of male
dominance. If Mike truly loves Phoebe
and holds her of great importance in his life, he should want to marry. Regardless of all the reasons that made him
believe that marriage is not for him, it is just excuses. He is resisting a unified partnership with
Phoebe and preventing them from moving to the next level.
I feel that if you truly love someone,
there are no good reasons for you to not want to marry that person. Because if there is, then the bonds between
you two cannot be as strong as you think it is.
The Question I am
answering is Question 13
(a) Create three dialogues
between a husband and wife. Each dialog
should represent one of the three models of marriage discussed in the Lecture
Notes. Each dialog should contain at
least 8 talking turns by each of the two partners, and no more than 12 each. A talking turn can be as brief as a nod or
grunt, and as long as several sentences.
Preface each dialog with a paragraph explaining the context of the
conversation and the topic. (b) Analyze
and contrast the dialogues to show how they each illustrate on the models. Focus on the threefold self (this is a
requirement). Use the entire ennead
chart, or parts thereof, to discuss and contrast the dialog segments you
analyze. (c) Anything else you have to
say.
(a) Dialog 1 – Dominance
This situation exemplifies
male dominance in a relationship. The
couple has been dating for several months.
They are at home when the man receives a phone call. He was talking for a few minutes. The woman thought nothing of it, but out of
habit and curiosity, asked who called.
It turned out to be an ex-girlfriend of his. Obviously bothered by it, the woman starts to ask questions. The man in return, gives very short and
vague answers.
Woman: Who was that that just called?
Man: Lisa.
Woman: Lisa?
Isn’t that your ex-girlfriend?
Man: Yeah.
Why?
Woman: I didn’t know you still communicated with
her.
Man: Why?
Does it bother you?
Woman: Well, yes, I don’t see why you two need to
keep in touch.
Man: We’re just friends. Nothing’s going on.
Woman: Why didn’t you tell me you were friends with
her?
Man: I don’t know. I didn’t think it was important.
Woman: What do you guys talk about?
Man: Nothing personal. Just keeping up with each other.
You know, like “how are you doing?”
that sort of thing.
Woman: But, I don’t understand why you want to keep
up with her life.
Man: Look, nothing’s going on. We’re just friends. She knows about you. She’s just a good friend that I would like
to keep in touch with once in a while.
I’m with you, not her. Can you
let it go now?
Woman: Okay, so nothing’s going on?
Man: (sigh) No.
Woman: Okay.
I’m sorry.
Dialog 2 – Equity
This dialog exemplifies
Equity. The wife is feeling a bit
exhausted from the everyday hustle and bustle.
She feels that her husband is not contributing enough with the children. The wife then asks her husband to help out
more. However, the husband starts to
give her a bunch of excuses on why he shouldn’t need to. After compromising, they were both able to
come to a solution that both fit their needs.
Woman: I really need you to start helping out with
the kids more.
Man: Why?
Woman: Well, I’ve been really busy with work and
the kids lately. I haven’t really had
any time to sit down and relax.
Man: I’ve been really busy with work also. I already told you how my promotion would
take up more of my time.
Woman: I know, but you still find time to watch
television everyday. While I don’t get
a break from the moment I wake up everyday.
Man: But I do help out around the house a lot on
the weekends. I fix whatever needs to
be fixed.
Woman: I know, and I appreciate it. I just need you to help out a little more.
Man: What did you want me to do?
Woman: Maybe on the days I take the kids to
practice you could cook dinner since I come home pretty late.
Man: Okay.
Woman: And maybe you could take the kids to school
on your way to work.
Man: But you know I’m always in a rush in the
morning.
Woman: I know.
But so am I. I’m busy getting
the kids ready and making their breakfast and packing their lunch.
Man: Okay.
How about I take them to school every other day. And I’ll cook dinner on the days you come
home late.
Woman: Okay.
That would be great. Thank
you.
Dialog 2 – Unity
This dialog exemplifies
unity. In this stage of the
relationship, the woman is first in the husband’s mind. He starts to have a new perspective on the
relationship. They both enjoy doing the
same things. They do nothing that
separates the other partner from themselves.
The husband realizes that his wife has been working really hard lately
and knows that she needs some time to relax.
He also knew exactly what could help her to relax without having to ask
her.
Man: Honey, did you want to do anything in
particular this weekend?
Woman: Oh, I thought you were going fishing with
your brother?
Man: No, I decided to cancel.
Woman: Why?
What happened?
Man: Well, this week has been really stressful
for you with work…
Woman: Yes, it has.
Man: …so I thought maybe we could do something
together so I could help you get your mind off of things.
Woman: Wow, that’s really sweet. Sounds good.
Man: Great.
Woman: What did you want to do?
Man: I was thinking we could go and watch that
movie you’ve been talking about for the past few weeks.
Woman: Are you sure?
Man: Yeah.
Woman: I thought you didn’t like romantic comedies.
Man: Well yeah.
But I’m starting to really enjoy them now. Plus, I know you really like them, and I beginning to see why.
Woman: Okay.
How about Saturday night?
Man: Sounds good.
(b) As you read
through each of the dialogues I have created, you can see the differences in
how the man and the woman interacted at different stages of the threefold
self. In the dominance dialog, the man
clearly exerted dominance over the woman.
His vague replies to her questions showed that he really didn’t care if
she was bothered by his ex-girlfriend calling and that she shouldn’t even be
upset in the first place.
If you are truly content with your present companion, there
should be no reason for you to keep ties with ex-lovers. It shows disrespect for you current
partner. This pertains to men as well
as women. On another note, even if your
partner is okay with it and has no problems with it, it is still considered
disrespectful and prevents you and your partner from obtaining a unified
relationship.
On another note, his understanding of what she was feeling
was almost non-existent. In the dialog,
you can see how he was resisting her and not trying to compromise or understand
her at all. He basically felt that his
girlfriend shouldn’t have a problem with it and therefore owes her no rational
explanation. For example “Look,
nothing’s going on. We’re just
friends. She knows about you. She’s just a good friend that I would like
to keep in touch with once in a while.
I’m with you, not her. Can you
let it go now?” Just because his
ex-girlfriend knows about her doesn’t justify the fact they still
communicate. Also, by saying “can you
let it go now?” was very disrespectful and inconsiderate of how she feels. These are typical behaviors of a man stuck
in the dominance level of the threefold self.
In the dialog exemplifying equity, the couple starts off by
having a disagreement on how much work they each put into the family. The wife talks to her husband about her
concerns and asks him to help out a little more with the family. The husband initially doesn’t feel that he
is obligated to put more effort in. He
uses excuses to try and get out of it.
However, he eventually gives in and compromises with her.
If they were in a unified marriage, this problem wouldn’t
have come up in the first place. The
wife wouldn’t have to even ask her husband for help. He would know when his wife needs a break and when he needs to
put more effort into it because she is his top priority and she comes before
all else in his life. However, the
couple solved the problem by talking about it and negotiating. They were able to compromise on a solution
that they were both pleased with.
In the dialog on unity, the man saw that his wife was under
a lot of stress and offered to help get her mind off of things. She is his top priority, therefore knows
when she needs to relax. He also agreed
to watch a romantic comedy with her even when he wasn’t interested in it
before. “Well yeah. But I’m starting to really enjoy them
now. Plus, I know you really like them,
and I beginning to see why.” This is
all about what the unity level is. It
is fully understanding your partner and changing yourself so that your loves
and desires are the same as your partner.
My Report on the Current
Generation
Presentation 1:
Speaker: Davis Hanai
Date: February 8, 2005
Presentation:
This
presentation was about women needing to remember to not only be a mother to her
children but also a companion and wife to her husband. Women also need to stop “nagging” her
husband and treat him with more respect.
Some women treat perfect stangers better than their husbands. Also, praise can go a long way. Punishing your husband will not work. Praising him will let him know that he is
needed and appreciated, therefore, will be more willing to do what the wife
wants.
Davis
feels that both men and women can benefit if they both remember to be a husband
and a wife instead of a mother, father, employee, co-worker, etc. Because the world is rapidly changing, and
people nowadays are becoming busier and busier, it is easy to forget to about
your partner and his/her needs and wants out of the marriage. Davis also feels that both partners should
treat each other with more respect than strangers, and follow the rule “do onto
others as you would have them do onto you.”
From his personal experience, Davis agrees that praise works much better
than punishment. He feels more willing
to help his girlfriend out when he is praised for doing something.
Dr. Laura
mentions in her book that women need to stop nagging. According to the lecture notes, it shouldn’t be considered nagging. Of course she’s constantly pleading to her
husband for the love that she wants and deserves, but that shouldn’t be
considered nagging. Men feel it is
nagging because they have this resistance towards being completely unified to
his wife and it gets frustrating for him because the woman is constantly having
to ask him to do the same things over and over again. By actually giving in to her, he is giving his wife exactly what
she wants (ultimately a unified marriage) and going against his inborn resistance.
Presentation 2:
Speaker: Kalena Luney
Date: January 18, 2005
Presentation:
This
presentation was about conjugial love and what it means. The basic foundation of conjugial love is to
have love and wisdom between the husband and the wife. Also, conjugial love exists in a realm where
everything is pure and angelic. And
through unity, you have loyalty to one’s spouse.
Kalena
feels that having love and wisdom is the basic foundation of any relationship. If a woman loves a man for his wisdom, a man
should also love a woman for her wisdom.
However, when reading about a conjugial love that exists in a pure
realm, she felt that humanity is not pure, but that we should still strive to
model that behavior. People must
achieve a level of purity and innocence on earth to achieve conjugial
love. Kalena also feels that a unity
through body, mind, and soul will eliminate lustful thoughts.
Kalena’s
statement, “if a woman loves a man for his wisdom, a man should also love a
woman for her wisdom,” agrees with the unity phase of the threefold self. The unity phase is when the man finally
realizes that his wife knows best and knows how to help their marriage grow
into something more meaningful.
Presentation 3:
Speaker: Patrick Greer
Date: March 15, 2005
Presentation:
This
presentation was about the differences in how men and women communicate. Men communicate intimacy by action. For example, making love. On the other hand, women communicate
verbally. Dr. Laura also states that
women need to take responsibility for their own emotions and not rely on their
husbands to fix everything. They should
instead turn to their girlfriends, or try and handle things themselves. Women need to realize that men do not equate
verbal communication with love. Men
also tend not to say anything out of fear that their wives will get angry if he
doesn’t say the right thing.
Patrick
feels that the communication problems a couple may face during their marriage
should have been solved before they got married. When you marry someone, you have to know how to communicate with
him or her. Patrick also points out
that Dr. Laura first stated that men communicate through action rather than
verbally. She then goes on by saying
that men don’t communicate because they fear their wife will be angered ---
which one is it?
There is
no doubting that men and women have very different communicative styles. However, once you find someone whom you are
ready to marry and spend the rest of your life and eternity with, it should
then not be a problem. When you are in
a unified marriage, it is as if you are one person. You know everything about your partner. Therefore in a unified marriage, you know how to communicate with
you partner, and your partner knows how to communicate with you.
Advice to Future
Generations
This was one of the most interesting
courses I’ve ever taken. I’ve always
been fascinated by the interactions between men and women. We are so different in many ways, yet if you
find the right person you can see how we actually complete one another. This course has given me a better
understanding on the underlying reasons on why we are so different. As I went through the course, I felt that I
could relate to so many of the topics that we’ve discussed. It was as if a light bulb when off in my head
that made me think “Oh, that’s what went wrong.”
It is easy to fall behind in this
course as well. If you procrastinate,
you will find it hard to catch up. It
is important to keep up with all of the assignments and not fall behind. Completing the tasks every week and doing
all of your chapter outlines will benefit you as you go through the
course. It would be very stressful and
difficult to try and complete everything at the last minute.
Nevertheless, this course provides you
with the information to better the personal relationships you have in your
life. It goes in depth on how
relationships work and why many couples experience common problems and
disagreements.
Good luck and I hope you enjoy the
course as much as I have!
Class Home Page
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy22/classhome-g22.htm