Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Alton Antonio
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm
I am answering questions 4, 6,7,10 and 13
The Question that I am answering is Question #4:
(a) – Select at least one student report on marriage from each Generation 20, 21, 22 and 23, as listed in the Reading section of the Lecture Notes at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students.
(b) – Summarize each of the selected reports. Be sure to put a link to the student’s report.
(c) – Add a General Conclusion Section in which you discuss your reactions to what each student did and said- (i) their ideas, (ii) their method, (iii) their explanations
(d) – Summarize what they gained from doing their reports.
(e) – How do their ideas influence what you yourself think about these issues?
From Generation 20:
(a) Chris M.: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/chrism/
(b) In Chris’ Report 3 (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/chrism/report3.htm), the summary of his report is TV ratings on anti-unity values in Gender Behavior. Chris also discusses the threefold self of gender relationships more in depth than his report 2. Furthermore Chris goes in depth of the Unity Model of Marriage pertaining to the anti-unity values and how it causes dis-unity of a marital relationship. Other parts of his report are his analyzing of three oral presentations and lecture discussion each based on agreements and disagreements involving gender unity. At the end of his report, he discusses his own proposal of AUV ratings on TV as examples from shows “King of Queens,” and “Fraiser.”
(c) General Conclusion Section: My reactions to Chris’ report 3 are that I tend to agree on some of his points that he makes throughout his report 3. Chris points out the obvious as he states “I think that we are usually more able to identify what we think than what we feel; but women, on the other hand, are better able to identity their own feelings than men are. Women are also more aware of their partner’s feelings than they (their partner’s) are themselves.” The method in which Chris develops his reports is analyzing his view on anti-unity values from other perspectives like the Writings of Emanuel Swedenborg. Chris’ explanations to his information collected is based on male perspective and he does not yet fully realize or understand the point of view of the Unity Model of Marriage in identifying cultural and social attitudes regarding gender relationship, however he does recognize that television portrays a plethora of anti-unity values.
(d) What Chris Gained: What Chris gained from his report 2 is that he believes that the Unity Model of Marriage theory on a couple’s marriage portrays the women in the relationship as the rational ones who are try to strive to achieve unity within their relationship while the men just screw up all the time. In addition, Chris is more aware of how reality is a “man’s world.” Like I said in the previous section Chris has become more aware of the anti-unity values portrayed in television that he watches. Chris states that he his views and attitudes on the Unity Model of marriage have not changed since the beginning of their semester. As a liberal, Chris believes that the things television portrays (such as anti-unity values) fit his ideals of gender relationships. Chris also concludes that “I am not sure how gender unity will be portrayed in the future but I think it will still mainly be based on the equity model, or the cognitive level in the gender unity model. I personally don’t see the portrayal of gender unity changing all that much from what I see today. I think that there are many ways that people deal with things in their relationships; television tries to show how couples deal with certain problems that can arise in life. So, I do not think that there is one ultimate way a person can reach unity within their relationship.”
(e) Chris’ Influences on Me: I tend to agree on Chris’ views on the Unity Model of Marriage. As most of my generation is influenced by television (especially when we are young), we grow up tending to think that the behaviors in gender relationships are what is expected and sometimes fuse that idea when we are ourselves in a actual relationship—creating problems for you and your significant other. I also agree with Chris that my views will probably not change at the end of the semester and because of culture and society will probably have my ideals set as an equity concept.
From Generation 21:
(a) Shari Arakawa-Longboy: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/
(b) In Shari’s Report 2 (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/arakawa-longboy/report2.htm) she answers questions #2, question #5, question #6, question #4 and question #1. She discusses her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. In the first section she contrasts the views on gender relationships between Deborah Tannen, Laura Schlessigner and Leon James. In the second section of her report 2 Shari observes six student’s reports from Generation 20 in which she summarized their reports and gave her own insight about whether Generation 20 students influence her thoughts about the Unity Model of Marriage. In her third section, she cross references the table of Making Field Observations, explains the chart and gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicators of One’s Relationship Model. And the last question Shari analyzes is a story about a man and woman gives her own insight and argument regarding the story between the husband and the wife based on her personal life and the media.
(c) General Conclusion Section: My reactions to Shari’s report 2 is that she strives to accomplish a healthy marriage based on three perspectives she discussed in section A (perspectives based on Deborah Tannen, Laura Schlessigner and Leon James). Shari was able to see which level in which her marriage is situated in and strives for the Unity model. She structures her paper well in which she provides topics for each section for an easy read and also provides her own insights to what she is discussing.
(d) What Shari Gained: What Shari gained from her report 2 is that it has helped her understand the concept of marriage better with the explanations of the Unity Model of Marriage; however she does not fully agree with the Unity Model. Shari believes that it is not entirely up to the man to decide but both the husband and the wife need to be both responsible in having unity between them as she states “The wife needs to be supportive and willing to allow the transformation to happen. The wife would probably have to make some changes on her own as well.”
(e) Shari’s Influences on Me: I would have to agree with Shari in that both the husband and the wife must work EQUALLY to achieve unity between the two. I think that she is correct in which the wife will have to make changes as well, not just the husband to make all the changes. I have to also agree in which the Unity Model has impacted about the way I think in terms of gender relationship, however it will not drastically change my way of thinking.
From Generation 22:
(a) Jenny Kwan: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/
(b) In Jenny’s Report 2 (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/kwan/409b-g22-report2.htm) she answers question #3, question #6, question #7, question #12 and question #14. Jenny discusses her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. In the first section she provides her insight in a scenario regarding a husband and a wife based on her personal life and the media. In Jenny’s second section, she cross references the table of Making Field Observations, explains the chart and gives 20 examples of Behavioral Indicatiors of One’s Relationship Model and provides some of her insights about the table and the 20 examples that she provides. In Jenny’s third section, she goes through Dr. Laura Schlessigner’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and chooses 10 quotes from men, analyzes them in terms of the Unity Model, and an evaluation of Dr. Laura’s explanations. In Jenny’s fourth section, she discusses the two dozen anti-unity values and provides her insight for why the media portrays AUV’s on a regular basis. And in Jenny’s fifth section, she analyzes the Unity Model in relation to the eternal significance of marriage and the mental state of a couple’s threefold self.
(c) General Conclusion Section: My reaction to Jenny’s report 2 is that she structures her report well with indications on certain sections. Jenny provides her view after each section and tries to determine whether the behavior she is analyzing is being portrayed in her relationship. She also disagrees with Dr. Laura Schlessigner’s entire book and the ideas that Dr. Laura tells the wives.
(d) What Jenny Gained: Jenny has gained better understanding in gender relationship in general and also her personal relationship from her report 2. Jenny understands that her current relationship is situated in the Equity Model involving conflicts in the cognitive and affective levels of their relationship. She also believes that it is vital for a couple to comprehend and be aware of their interactions and behaviors between each other—thus achieving further levels of intimacy and then achieve Unity, obtaining deep love for each other while they are together for all eternity.
(e) Jenny’s Influences on Me: I would have to agree with her about the concept that the Unity Model of Marriage teaches couples in which there can only be true happiness between a couple if they both have the same awareness of emotions and selfless intimacy for one another. I would have to disagree in which she discusses Dr. Laura Schlessigner’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I do not completely agree with Dr. Laura’s views but I feel that some of the ideas that Dr. Laura discusses holds some truth about individual wives, not wives in general. I feel that some of Dr. Laura’s views are valid!
From Generation 23:
(a) Brittany Tenneson: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/tenneson/
(b) In Brittany’s Report 2 (http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/tenneson/tenneson-409b-g23-report2.htm) she answers question #1, question #2, question #3, question #11 and question #13. Brittany discusses her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. In her first section she analyzes the statement “AIt is sometimes wrongly asserted that men have fewer feelings than women.@ based on the threefold self and gives her own arguments to the statement. In Brittany’s second section, she compares and contrasts the four views of Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessigner, Joshua Coleman and Dr. Leon James in which she develops a chart checking off if each book contains each of the models, Dominance, Equity and/or Unity. In Brittany’s third section she analyzes a scenario of an argument between a husband and a wife based on the threefold self, her personal life and media influence. In Brittany’s fourth section, she asses the tables of Sensorimotor, Cognitive and Affective Conjunction, explains her own view on “sexual blackmail,” and gives her own examples on sexual blackmail using three different themes. And in Brittany’s fifth section, she assess the two dozen anti-unity values, their explanations in terms of gender relationships and how they are portrayed in the media like popular television shows or movies.
(c) General Conclusion Section: Brittany’s structure of her report 2 is not well developed has I had a difficulty in determining the question from her answers but I could still understand what she was trying to point out in her report and I think she was rushing in her report trying to complete her report because there are some grammatical errors and some words are cut off from the rest of the paragraph.
(d) What Brittany Gained: What Brittany gained from her report 2 is that (like many others that took this seminar) she disagrees with Dr. Laura and Joshua Coleman’s views on how a woman must change to provide harmony in the relationship and believes that the Unity Model of Marriage by Dr. Leon James is the only perspective that instructs that it takes both the husband and the wife to fulfill unity in their relationship.
(e) Brittany’s Influences on Me: Again I would have to disagree with the points she makes about Dr. Laura and Joshua Coleman’s views. I do not completely agree with their solutions to marital relationships; however I do agree that both men and women have faults and that both must take responsibility for their flaws and both must EQUALLY work together and change for each other selflessly to achieve a true union. I do agree with Brittany in which she believes that blackmail is mentally and emotionally wrong for anyone to go through and all blackmail does is set a void in a relationship.
The Question that I am answering is Question #6:
(a) – Analyze the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessigner, summarizing its perspective, and discussing the author’s philosophy or psychology of relationships between men and women.
(b) – Find 10 brief quotes from what the husbands wrote, analyzing each one, showing the character of their threefold self. Use the Unity Model in the Lecture Notes to characterize the threefold self of the husbands that wrote to her.
(c) – How do you see Dr. Laura’s approach and what is your evaluation of it?
(a) While reading the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger I feel that her point of view or perspective on marital relationship is one-sided, mostly siding with the husband and that it is in the wife’s best interest that she take responsibility in the marital relationship in order for it to thrive. Dr. Laura Schlessinger believes the wife should take responsibility for the happiness of the relationship due to the idea that she points throughout the book—that men are simple creatures and thus if you make your husband happy he will then in turn make you happy. Dr. Laura Schlessinger tells her female listeners that they should stop worrying about how their husbands need to do to make them happy but what the wives can do for the husband to make the husband happy. Dr. Laura’s philosophical ideas is on a give-and-take level in which one is motivated to do things for the other person in order to get something back. Also, Dr. Laura gives the husband all the slack in her book and basically blames every problem in the marriage on the wife, and as for the husband—the husband just does not know any better!
(b) (1) Clifford: “What ever happened to sweetness? If you act like a Bi*ch, you will be treated like a Bi*ch. I asked my wife once if she wanted something, as she was being unusually nice. She angrily said to me ‘I would never be nice to anyone to get them to do something for me. That is sucking up!” (p 5)
- Clifford is obviously stereotyping his wife’s behavior as a “bi*tch” in her concerns and her behavioral style viewed in the Dominance mode perspective. Clifford immediately labels her behavior as a form of bi*itchiness. He does not go in-depth as to why his wife is acting in this manner, maybe she acting this way because of something he has done to offend her.
(2) Bill: “Honey, it is part of your job as my wife to remind me of any duties I am not fulfilling, just as it is my job as a husband to remind you of your duties. You know I try my best, but if I don’t know what I’m not doing, how can I do it, much less do it right? There is a difference between complaining and informing, between criticizing and reminding.” (p 37)
- Bill is in the Equity mode of thinking in which there are intimate levels between a couple however there are still barriers and limitations to which each person will go for their spouse. He is in the sensuous cognitive process in which he knows his wife but often disagrees with her opinions and justifications. If Bill were to strive for the Unity Model of marriage he should align his feelings with his wife’s and take her ‘complaining’ as gestures of love for their union.
(3) Bruce: “[…] The number one thing I want from my woman is to stop complaining. It’s easy to moan about how hard your life is. When I do catch my wife in a ‘willing mood,’ I first have to endure twenty minutes of her complaining about this, that and the other thing before I get to touch her. I figure if I help around the house to take some of the burden off of her, I would win her affection.” (p 37)
- Bruce is somewhat between the sensorimotor and the cognitive concept in which he will be willing to do things for his wife in order to get some physical affection while pleasing her by doing things that she might find important in their marriage (showing his love for her). However, Bruce functions on the Equity model as he does these things for his wife in order to get something back (give-take situation) and not the Unity model (does things for the wife selflessly, just to make her happy).
(4) Ken: He wrote it’s not that wife can never have a negative opinion or a problem with her husband, but that she should state the problem or concern without “bitching, fussing, arguing, and guilt-tripping or whining […] a wife should say what is on her mind, discuss the possibility of a solution and then move on. (p38)
- Ken is thinking on the dominance mode as to which he labels and stereotypes a wife’s concerns and affection as bitching, fussing, whining, etc. He also states that a wife should move on meaning she needs to get over it like men who tend not to get emotionally attached to things that do not concern them. However, maybe getting emotionally attached to something that is important to your wife is something that she would cherish and love you for.
(5) Roy: “If you can’t accentuate the positive, at least acknowledge it. The world is full of messages to men that there are standards we don’t meet. There is always another man who is more handsome, more virile or more athletic than we are […] All I know is that the husband who has a wife who supports him and praises him for the positive things he does is the envy of all the other men who have to live with criticism, sarcasm and constant reminders of their failures.” (p 47-8)
- I would have to agree with Roy that women should at least acknowledge their husband’s doings that are positive even though it might not be up to the standards of the woman’s. However, to achieve the Unity Model of marriage, one must strive to align oneself (their feelings, desires) to match their wives standards
(6) Husband “L”: “Trust your husband. Recognize that he has his own ways of doing things. They don’t have to be done your way to be adequately done. If the toilet ends up clean, it doesn’t matter if he didn’t give it your ‘special touch.’ If he has the kids for the day so you can attend a baby shower, don’t leave a huge list of detailed instructions.” (p 57)
- Like I said on the previous husband listener of Dr. Laura Schlessigner, at least acknowledge the fact that a husband does do things that are positive. Husbands try, some more than others to make their wives happy. Nonetheless, one must be intolerant of any differences and eliminate antagonistic characteristics of the husband that might upset a wife to be in the Unity Model of marriage and also to have a conjunction of the affective self with your spouse.
(7) Robert: “When I am done with my personal time and come back upstairs, I am relaxed and I am open to ‘hear’ what she is saying and everyone is happier […] When she prepares to tell me something, she reminds me that she doesn’t need anything fixed or solved—and that cues me that I’m just supposed to listen, which is what she really wants.” (p 97)
- Robert is in the Equity perspective even though it might seem that he is functioning on the Unity Model of marriage. This is said because he still must be reminded to what is expected of him as a husband and how he should communicate. If he was in the Unity Model of marriage he should already know that everytime he is in a conversation with his wife it is ALWAYS important, not only to her but to him also.
(8) Ken: “It has been my experience through nearly all the avenues we have tried […] that today’s society insists that it is COMPLETELY THE MALES’ RESPONSIBILITY to learn to understand and communicate on a level that the females can comprehend and digest. It seems that positive improvements to a relationship can ONLY occur if the husband is willing to alter his very nature, to tune in his ‘feminine’ side and learn how to think, respond and ‘emotionally perceive’ the same way his wife does.” (p 99-100)
- It is common sense to observe that Ken is operating in the Dominance perspective and that he feels burden to carry the responsibility in a marriage to which he must fix himself and align with his wife to her needs and happiness. Ken is not willing to change himself or train himself to think like his significant other, as one must do to achieve a solidified conjunction in marriage.
(9) Steve: “In today’s world it is assumed that men are pigs and women suffer. With all my efforts […] I am not appreciated. It’s never enough. It is common for the woman to expect the man to do uncomfortable things to help the relationship […] Just because I am married does not make me a slave. Men are human beings.” (p148-9)
- Yes men are human beings. I can agree with Steve as to which women must not take for granted that their husbands are there to be everything that a wife expects out of her husband. Steve is operating on the Equity model to which he limits himself as to how much he is willing to do for his wife and expects something in return for his good deeds for his wife.
(10) Curtis: “All of us men have been told for years not what a woman ‘needs’ to be listened to […] just listen and be sympathetic to her needs. Most women don’t understand why men haven’t learned this by now. Here’s why! What she doesn’t seem to understand is I really do want to be her White Knight. I really do want to come riding to her rescue. I really do want to sweep her off her feet and carry her away and live happily ever after. I’ve been relegated to being the warm, soft, cuddly teddy bear on her bed, instead of the white knight in her bed. I don’t feel like a man.” (154-5)
- Curtis does not feel like a man because of the way he is being treated when he communicates with his wife. Obviously he is in the Dominance mode of thinking to which he believes that he should ‘act like a man’ in order to be happy in their relationship disregarding her form of communication. The problem here is that his wife is happy because of the way he listens to her problems and as long as that makes her happy their union creates an intimate conjunction and thus develops a Unity model of marriage.
(c) I interpret Dr. Laura Schlessigner’s philosophical approach as a give-and-take situation in which she strongly advises the women to be careful on how to treat their husbands OR ELSE—he will do a multitude of reactions towards their ‘unfair treatment’ such as cheat on his wife, distance himself from her or even divorce her for his unhappiness in the relationship. Her philosophical advice to all wives out there is that wives should not be concerned with how are they being treated by their husbands but be more concerned on how the wives are treating the husbands. My evaluation on her ideas and concept is that it is a flawed perspective that creates even more friction between couples who are already confused and struggling to keep their marriage intact. I feel that Dr. Laura’s views are one-sided which (throughout her book) favors the men and disregards the view and perspective from the wives. Also her interpretation on her listener’s stories are somewhat biased as Dr. Laura does not get the entire story to which caused the problem between the husband and the wife.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger finds quick solutions to complex problems of married couples from listening to a five minute story or a letter that might be one paragraph. Yes, Dr. Laura does point out problems in a wife here and there (some of her solutions and reasons for the way women behave the way they do I agree with and sometimes question “why do they do behave in such a manner”), however I believe that Dr. Laura’s interpretations are unbalanced between the husband and the wife. She has been socialized to think in the mind-set as a person who is in the Dominance perspective and thus offers solutions in a Dominance perspective way.
The Question that I am answering is Question #7:
(a) – Consider Table 5 in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section on Making Field Observations. It lists Areas of Observation for observing interactions between the partners in a couple
(b) – Use some of the listed areas to make observations about the threefold self of a couple you know, or you and your partner as a couple.
(c) – How do these data help you in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the unity model?
(d) – How do you explain these observations—what do they show or why are things this way with that couple?
(e) – Explain how you now understand gender relationships in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture and spirituality.
(a) This is Table 5
Areas of Observation for
Sensorimotor Dominance vs. Sensorimotor Equity vs. Sensorimotor Unity
Zones 1, 4, 7
1. Who gets to hold and control the TV remote
2. Whose choice prevails for what home movies to watch
3. Who chooses what restaurant to go to
4. What interaction dynamics goes on in each other's appearance--clothes, body shape, hair, etc.
5. How much influence is each partner willing to take from the other regarding how to behave with friends or family, or others
6. How do they talk to each other and what does the talk reveal about their cognitive and affective self
7. What are the conditions under which they are physically intimate and how do they act and react
8. How do they coordinate their movements while walking, doing tasks at home, sitting beside each other
9. What kind of facial expressions do they have when alone together
10. What are their preferences in tastes, colors, odors, sounds, lighting
11. Who changes topics in a conversation or introduces new topics
12. Who is attentive to the other
13. Who doesn't answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, walks out
14. Who yells, expresses angry and hurtful words, hits, acts threatening, throws things
15. Who marks dates, events, anniversaries, celebrations, birthday cards, flowers
16. etc.
Areas of Observation for
Cognitive Dominance vs. Cognitive Equity vs. Cognitive Unity
Zones 2, 5, 8
1. What do the two partners think of each other in terms of who controls whom, when, and how
2. How do they use "equity philosophy" in their relationship (i.e., how they decide about sharing work, duties, money, responsibilities)
3. What is their attitude about one partner trying to influence the other (e.g., when trying to change the other's habits, beliefs, loyalties, personality traits)
4. What does each partner think of the other's opinions and views (e.g., dislikes them, ignores them, isn't interested in them, argues against them, etc. -- or the opposite of these -- likes them, pays attention to them, is interested in them, goes along with them, etc.)
5. What do the two partners seriously disagree about or argue about without resolution of the problem
6. How much agreement or disagreement exists between the partners regarding God and their being together in the afterlife
7. How much do the two partners let themselves be intellectually influenced by each other's ideas
8. How clear are they to each other when discussing things (e.g., hiding things, keeping secrets, being touchy or oversensitive to some topics, talking guardedly or with reserve, -- or the opposite)
9. How much does each believe in marriage myths like "Passion decreases with time" or "Absence makes the heart fonder" or "Wives tend to nag" or "Husbands need their own hobbies" etc.
10. etc.
Areas of Observation for
Affective Dominance vs. Affective Equity vs. Affective Unity
Zones 3, 6, 9
1. How motivated is each partner to remember relationship things (dates one of them considers important, celebrations, joint memories, intimate events, preferences of the other for various things like food or activities)
2. How motivated is each to the idea of putting the partner ahead of everything else--children, friends, family, career, attachments.
3. How committed is each partner to the idea of total unity (e.g., feeling free to raise and talk about any topic, feeling motivated to eliminate all disagreements between them by wanting to change for the sake of the other, and so on)
4. What motivates them to consider each other ahead of everything else, or not
5. How much do the partners abuse or hurt each other (e.g., retaliation, punishment, sulking, staying away, breaking promises, being unfaithful or disloyal, being uncaring or unloving, manipulating, forcing)
6. How passionate is each partner towards the other (e.g., in being romantic, in making the other feel special and exclusive, etc.)
7. How much are the partners motivated to stay together as much as they can (e.g., shopping together, leisure activities, lunches, watching TV, hobbies, house tasks, seeing others, vs. doing separate things each on their own (e.g., seeing friends, sports and games, hobbies, TV programs, shopping separately)
8. How romantic are they with each other? Is she his Sweetheart? Is he her Ideal Man?
9. etc.
(b) Using these lists on the Areas of Observations for Dominance, Equity and Unity in the Sensorimotor, Cognitive and the Affective sense, I have made several observations and interpretations when observing a couple I know, very well actually as they are my parents! Above anyone other couple I know, I know this couple inside and out, I know their patterns in behavior that they use towards each other and I also know how each will react to each others reaction. It is very interesting to observe my parents while analyzing their interaction under the Unity Model of Marriage.
When I go over the lists of behaviors in a couple’s interaction I have determined that under the influence of the Unity Model of Marriage that my parents interact in the Equity Model though I would like to believe that they do sometimes achieve the Unity Model of Marriage and sadly they even portray some behavior from the Sensorimotor/Dominance zone. At times when I see my parents interact, they can be so adorable and cute together and the room is filled with a harmonious aura. However, my parents like everyone else, is not perfect and argue and bicker and fight. I have checked a majority of the behaviors that my parents have exhibited toward each other. Some examples from each level are when my parents sometimes do not answer, looks away, avoids, ignores, or walks out during arguments (Sensorimotor, #13), or what my parents seriously disagree or argue about without resolution of the problem (Cognitive #5), or what motivates my parents to consider each other ahead of everything else or not (Affective 4).
As I mentioned in the earlier paragraph, I believe that my parent’s marital relationship functions in the Equity model because of how majority of the time they treat each other in a give-and-take manner and there are some differentiation in their views and perspective. And there are seldom occasions when they start yelling at each other for the stupidest things that can be solved by simply listening to each other. In addition, I believe that the dumbest thing they can do to make the situation work is to ignore the other person and walk away. Everytime I see them ignore each other’s point of view during arguments I always try to inject my self in the conversation and ask why they ignore each other.
Under the influence of the Unity Model of Marriage I also believe that my parents function on different levels sometimes that prevent them from achieving the Unity Model and brings them down to the Equity model or sometimes the Dominance model. Sometimes I feel that because my dad is from another country (the Philippines) that his point of view regarding marriage is somewhat warped due to his Filipino culture and the social interactions that the culture develops. I notice sometimes that they divide and sometimes are content with certain chores and responsibilities and believe that their chores and responsibilities are not for their spouse to do.
However, when I do see my parents behave in the Unity Model its shows in how happy they are with each other and the things they provide for each other. Some of the examples of this union are how my dad would always make my mom happy by always being there for her whenever she has a problem or when he remembers their anniversaries and birthdays or takes her to the movies on Saturday nights even when my dad has been working since six in the morning. Another example of their union for one another is when my mom waters all the plants all over the house because she knows that my dad works 10hr shifts or when she does his bills because he isn’t too keen on numbers.
I believe that for all their problems, their troubles with one another, their bickering and needless arguments that they are wonderful together. Whether or not if they are considered in the Dominance, Equity or Unity model—in my mind they are in the unified.
(c) This data help me in assessing the quality of the partners’ relationship in relation to the nine zones of the Unity model because I am able to analyze and maybe determine what level and zone a particular individual a person is functioning in their relationship. After determining what zone or level couple is in, maybe I can identify what solution can be made for the couple to achieve the next level, and thus achieve the Unity model. As I said earlier my parents function on different levels of the chart and sometimes their behavior fluctuate from time to time either going from the equity stage to the sensorimotor stage back to the equity stage or sometimes achieving the unity stage (but not staying permanently there).
(d) The observations that I have made about my parents’ relationship is that for their twenty-six years of marriage, it is still a work in progress, however their relationship has developed into a functional, workable and loving relationship. An overall observation of my parents’ relationship is that they tend to interact in the Equity model in which there are still some differentiations of view and there are some give-and-take situations but their relationship works.
(e) Like many of my peers, I believed there were two relationships a couple is able to function in—either a dominant relationship or an equalitarian relationship. However, I never knew that a couple can achieve a relationship that is beyond the equal relationship. I also believed that being in the equalitarian relationship is where there are no problems, qualms or indifferences among the couple. Learning about the Unity model is a new concept to me and I have yet to grasp the whole understanding or agree with the Unity Model itself.
As of my understanding of gender relationship in terms of dominance, equity, unity, biology, culture and spirituality the easiest concepts to explain are culture and biology.
Culture is a major influential factor in gender relationship because it tells people how they should behave and what roles they should portray in a relationship. Culture also tells us what to expect from your spouse and also what the spouse should expect from you in a gender relationship. Influences from your cultural background can either make or break a relationship, depending on how much you are influenced by it. Cultural influences are also a major problem because it gives you high expectations that you are going to look forward to in a relationship which you will only receive disappointment. Cultural influences help you determine whether you are in the dominance level, equity level or in the Unity level of marriage.
In terms of biology concept, biology helps determine what sex you are and signifies physical differences between a man and a woman.
For the spiritual aspect of a gender relationship, having spiritual intimacy is what make up the backbone for the Unity Model of marriage. If you do not have spiritual intimacy within your relationship, you cannot achieve Unity. I believe that it is vital to have some sense of spirituality in a relationship in order to consider a relationship in the Unity model and thus have love for one another “until endless eternity.”
The Question that I am answering is Question #10:
(a)- Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction. It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.
(b) – Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as “sexual blackmail.” Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction to now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?
(c) – Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your own. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics: (i) housework (ii) jealousy and (iii) a third area of your own choosing.
(d) – Discuss what these data show or prove.
(a) This is Table 1a (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
UNITY |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
EQUITY |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
DOMINANCE |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1b (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
|
level 1 |
1 |
2 |
3 |
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2 |
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1 |
1 sensations and pleasures felt as consequences of maintaining control over the partner |
2 involved with thoughts about how to keep pressuring the partner to cooperate or be non-resistant |
3 |
(b) When I hear the term “Sexual Blackmail” I always think of the media and how it is always portrayed by fictional characters in movies and television. Throughout the semester it has been discussed that “sexual blackmail” is whenever a husband possess the need and power to pressure his wife or girlfriend to given-in to his desire or the saying “How can I get her to be what I want?” Basically “sexual blackmail” is a male distortion of a relationship, HIS relationship. These pressures vary through each individual couple and a husband’s “sexual blackmail” varies when it is being forced on his wife. Examples of these “sexual blackmail” behaviors and acts are pressuring the wife to perform a sexual act (even if she disagrees or does not want to) or if a husband uses the stereotypical role pressuring women to make her feel submissive and controlled by her husband or even when a women submits to her husband’s every need because her husband is the financial supporter in her life. “Sexual blackmail” exploits women and husbands constantly find faults with their girlfriends or wives.
“Sexual Blackmail” is found not only obviously in the Dominance model but surprisingly in the Equity model “Sexual blackmail” is found in the Equity model because there are still some differences and views that may contradict a spouse’s opinions. Thus the husband still feels a sense of power that he is able to commit to force his wife to submit to his needs (however, not as much as in the Dominance model). In the Dominance model, the husband has no sense of remorse to commit “sexual blackmail” upon his wife. The husband does not think of what he is doing to his wife physically, mentally and psychologically, just the need to be pleasured by his “obligated” wife.
When I first heard the term “sexual blackmail,” I had a partial understanding of how husbands commit this behavior on their wives. I see this behavior being demonstrated by friends and their significant other and especially through the media through movies and television (as I have mentioned above previously). Though I am a male myself, I feel that not all men commit this action, and if they do, they either do it because of gender socialization or simply do not know any better.
As I discussed this issue with friends and peers, most have all agreed that it is common for men and boyfriends to commit “sexual blackmail” upon their significant other. In fact, for some of the people that I discussed this with, they too themselves have behaved in a “sexual blackmail” manner in their relationship. Again, some of the reasons for why they committed “sexual blackmail” is because of how easily reinforced they were through past experiences, society, the media and what was reinforced throughout their lives. The interesting thing while discussing “sexual blackmail” with people is that it was not limited to being done by only men. Some of my girl-friends admit that they use “sexual blackmail” in their relationship to either improve it or get something out of their boyfriends.
(c)
(i) Housework – We all need to do our part
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3
|
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2
|
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1
|
1 - pleasing partner by doing the housework for the husband |
2 - develops housework roles and puts certain responsibility for each other |
3 |
|
|
|
|
|
(ii) Jealousy – Because we love to see our significant other squirm
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3
|
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2
|
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1
|
1 - controlling partner by denying the interaction of a opposite sex friend |
2 - keeping partner on a submissive level and pressuring partner through jealousy |
3 |
(iii) Sexual Behavior – We all love sex
This is Table 1c (READ TABLE FROM BOTTOM UP)
|
MODEL THAT GOVERNS THEIR INTERACTIONS |
THREEFOLD SELF |
||
|
SENSORIMOTOR |
COGNITIVE |
AFFECTIVE |
|
|
level 3
|
7 |
8 |
9 |
|
level 2
|
4 |
5 |
6 AFFECTIVE |
|
level 1
|
1 - forcing partner to have sex |
2 - knows submission will control sexual desires and partner |
3 |
(d) These charts and data of the threefold-self with examples of interaction through themed situations show how a couple is able to achieve a unity model through nine stages in the three levels of the Unity Model of Marriage (Dominance, Equity and Unity). These charts prove that a couple goes through certain issues within their marriage or relationship and not one relationship is able to skip a step to achieve Unity (however, each stage is not limited to a certain amount of time in their relationship). In addition these charts are able to provide some form of help and solution for couples to see how they treat one another throughout the stages and hopefully prevent one from making these mistakes in their own relationship.
The Question that I am answering is Question #13:
(a) – Describe the Web presence of Schlessigner, Tannen, Coleman and Swedenborg. What does one find when looking them up with google?
(b) – What do people say about them?
(c) – Do they seem to have influence?
(d) – Are they popular?
(e) – how do you react to this Web information now that you are familiar with these four authors?
(f) – Discuss some of their ideas with friends and report how they react.
(a) Overall, the web presence of Schlessigner, Tannen, Coleman, and Swedenborg seem to have a great following from websites dedicated to them, developed concepts based on their theories (in one form or another) or even being referenced by other in articles and book catalogs dealing with marital problems. It is quite easy to discover a website that references one of these four idealists as to just type in their last name and on the first page pops up a website with adequate and legitimate detail on their philosophies. However, out of the four authors there seems to be more information (by looking at the matches found and quality of information on certain websites) about other psychologists than others.
(b) There are websites that either reference these four psychologists (respectively) or have used their perspectives and developed something more. Take for instance Emanuel Swedenborg. There is a whole site based on his teachings. The New Church (http://www.newchurch.org/) is a detailed and elaborate website that has based its findings on Emanuel Swedenborg. It is interesting to see that Swedenborg’s teachings are not only being followed but it seems to be a huge concept for people who believe in his philosophical ideas that use it as a way of living.
As for Dr. Laura Schlessinger, she has an official website advertising her books, promoting Dr. Laura accessories, her radio show and also showcases links to help desperate internet surfers searching for solutions to their family and marital problems. Dr. Laura’s name is “legendary.” Her name has become a pop icon for couples and married folk to find solutions to their problems. Almost everyone I know either peers of mines, a co-worker or a relative who I asked if they know Dr. Laura, the majority of the answers have been “yes.”
For Deborah Tannen and Joshua Coleman, they both have websites respectively, however I feel that their websites are not as elaborate nor detailed as Dr. Laura Schlessinger or Emanuel Swedenborg.
(c) Schlessigner, Tannen, Coleman and Swedenborg all have major influences to the public and has gained even more followers through the world wide web. Again, some authors more than others have influenced people throughout the world with their perspectives.
(d) Yes, all four authors are popular with matches found linked to their name on the web. I believe though, that out of the four authors, that Dr. Laura Schlessinger has become a common name in the troubled relationship world, especially in America and especially to men who feel that they are the ones being the victim in the relationship. The web provides access of Dr. Laura Schlessinger for people may not know who she is. I feel that her radio shows also increase her status as a reliable psychologist who has the answer to marriage issues.
(e) My reaction to the web information now that I am familiar with these four authors is that the web has helped me greatly understand and comprehend the teachings of Schlessigner, Tannen, Coleman and Swedenborg. Because of the web, it has granted me access to people’s opinions and understandings of these four authors. I am able to observe how others might interpret the four perspectives and how people use their teachings to develop other teachings. In addition, with the web information, I am able to cross-reference the four authors with less difficulty than using four different books. I can also check other websites concerning the same author that might have different information and try to determine which is actual fact than fiction. The web information about these four authors has definitely made my understanding of their teachings a bit easier.
(f) When I pointed and described the philosophies of the four respected views to my co-worker (who I will call “P”), she feels that all four views have flaws in their ideals at one point or another. Her belief is that neither the husband nor the wife must carry more responsibility and work harder than the other to maintain a unified conjunction in their marriage. P feels that BOTH THE HUSAND AND THE WIFE must EQUALLY contribute to the responsibility to satisfy each other and keep each other happy. P also points out that the four perspectives of the four psychologists generalize the individual to the stereotypical actions of either man or wife. It depends on the individual not the gender or sex. There are men out there that do not act like your typical male and there are women out there that do not hold the same values that some of these psychologists claim women have.
Another person that I discussed these four views on shares the same thoughts that P expressed. She believes that BOTH MUST EQUALLY CONTRIBUTE to make the relationship or marriage to succeed. She believes that one should also not expect or set high standards for their significant other because it will just set you up for disappointment, especially if the standards you create are unrealistic and impractical. She feels that both the husband and wife must be on the same level, not the husband’s level and not the wife’s level, but a unified cohesive level to which neither parties feels threatened nor submissive to the other.
Other people I have discussed about these authors and their theories have shared some of their views. Most of my male friends that I have talked to tend to agree (as most males do) with Dr. Laura Schlessigner. Like the men that shared their concerns to Dr. Laura, my male friends can relate to their marital problems with their girlfriends in some form or another. Some of my male friends have the same mind-set as the men in Dr. Laura’s book and agree that their girlfriends “complain, bitch or nag” which I believe that they are stuck (or some voluntarily situated) in the Dominance perspective.
Advice to Future Generations
Okay, so here is the deal: What can a future student of Dr. Leon James’ class do in order to successfully pass his seminars? I am going to break down what I think are important assets and values that one must possess not only to pass but also in order to fully absorb Dr. James’ concepts. Also these tips that I am going to point are also good to possess universally. There are four vital values that I will first list: (1) Do not procrastinate, (2) Have an open mind, (3) Do what you know first, (4) Notes and Readings are beneficial and (5) Back up your files.
(1)