Psychology 409b February 5, 2006
The “Yoko” Factor: Children
By Alton Antonio
Joshua Coleman, PhD; The Lazy Husband, St. Martin’s Press, 2005, p49-71
Instructions for this activity are found at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/g24-oral1.htm
Instructor: Dr. Leon James
The “Yoko” Factor: Children
A. Oh Goody... Children: The Cons and Pros
1. Attention shifts from the self and spouse to the newborn
a) may create a rift between spouses
- by neglect, selfishness or rejection
2. Gaining the identity of mother and father
a) a personal growth for husband and wife
3. Recalling our own childhood experiences as references for newborn
a) an opportunity to heal past childhood experiences that were disappointments
b) able to reference our own parent’s behavior and train of thought when we ourselves were children
B. There is No “I” in “Team”
1. Berkeley Psychologists Carolyn and Philip Crown developed the three most important successful predictors when couples transition from husband and wife to parenthood
a) sense of identity–“me” centered to “we” centered
- selfishness only leads to more problems
b) understanding our spouses perspective and situation
- understand why our spouses act the way they do
c) not avoiding or delaying conflicts between your spouse
- avoiding or delaying conflicts could lead up to a build up of resentment for the other spouse
2. With new mothers, the arrival of children of children produces a greater need of interdependence rather than dependency
a) some men might be threatened by this development
- why? some men have unresolved issues with their mothers—> causing the man to become uncomfortable with the wife’s interdependency
- can cause husband to withdrawal in other activities (ex. work)
3. Can we say “we?”
a) how can it be achieved?
- by BOTH spouses reaching out to each other...EQUALLY
b) some husbands feel the relationship between their wives have been replaced by the mother/child relationship
C. The Complexities of a Women’s Identity with Children
1. Mother’s stress level continues to rise even after the first year–due to depression or anxiety etc.
a) lack of sleep
b) change in body figure–insecurities issues
c) disciplining “hard-head” children
2. Some husbands don’t contemplate why women are stressed from parenthood
a) children depend on their mothers more than their fathers– the connection is not as strong with the father
3. Crisis point...Children
a) with the arrival of children–
- lack of sleep, time spent with self or with spouse
- increase in household workload
4. But...What would they think of me?!
a) women might feel more vulnerable to other people’s judgments
b) conflict of living with the fear that they might “be like their mothers”
c) how did mom do it?
- we all compare ourselves to our parents–especially our mothers
- it is different from how our parents dealt with children because of the opportunities that are available today
5.. The remedy?
a) resources of support from family, friends, work, personal interests
b) husbands empathy and unconditional support for his wife’s emotional imbalance
D. The Subtle Shift of a Man’s Identity with Children
1. A man’s stress level balances after the first year
a) not as close to the child, less enthusiastic with growing developments of the child
2. Yikes! A lower sex drive!
a) with the arrival of children, the sex drive between the husband and wife drops down to 30-40%
b) can cause the husband to feel bored, rejected, resentful or neglected
F. How can WE make it work?
1. Give me some affection, not aggression
a) aggressiveness gets you nowhere
b) creates the most divorce prone dynamic
- pursuer (wife)–> distancer (husband)
2. Communication is important
a) request with subtlety not directness
b) use positive reinforcements rather than negative reinforcements
3 Related Links:
1. http://www.policyreview.org/aug03/morse.html
In this weblink, the creator of the website, Jennifer Roback Morse discusses and compares that if there are children without proper parental supervision that children will eventually end up in prison or have some sort of criminal record. This website even suggests that there is a correlation between single parenthood and criminal behavior
In this weblink, there are many questions and suggestions answered when dealing with the dynamic situation of parenthood and marital predicaments. There are topics ranging from “sexuality and marital intimacy,” “intimidated wives: intimidating husbands” to “discipline and the single parent”
3. http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/7m3/7m3016.html
In this weblink, the title of the article itself is a perfect example of chapter 3 in Joshua Coleman’s book The Lazy Husband. In the article there are two quotes that exemplify how a cohesive marriage and having a child can work: “Marriage is the anchor for your family, so investing in your marriage is investing in your family.” and “romance thrives on overcoming obstacles and waiting out delays. So the parenting years offer plenty of opportunities to renew romance.”
My Home Page
409b (Tuesday): http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/Antonio/antonio-home.htm
Class Home Page: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm