Psychology 409b February 7, 2006

Psychology 409b February 7, 2006

How Can I Fix It?

By Alton Antonio

Dr. Laura Schlessingger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Harper Collins Publishers 2004; p. 55-67

A. Some Factors Influencing Marriage

1. History always repeats itself

a) childhood experiences might mold your understanding on how to treat your spouse

- an abusive-violent father: fearful and hate towards fatherà turning into fear and hate for your husband

- a mother who sees men as spoiled children: giving an excuse to control men for their spoilednessà controlling your husband because of mothers influence and behavior

2. It’s your choice, it’s your responsibility, make it right

a) for a marriage to be successful and work the responsibility falls on the choice you make in finding and picking a mate/spouse that is right for you

b) fueling the fire—you decide

- happiness in a marriage depends on your choice whether you will enjoy your marriage (making it work) or fixate on the negative (giving up and making it worse)—self-fulfilling your disappointments and expectations

- what fuels the negativity and makes the marriage spiral?

* typical women groups

* feminist-oriented psychotherapists

* gossiping with girlfriends about your problems with your husband

- be more appreciative on the positive aspects of your marriage

B. How Can I Help Make it Better?

1. Stay clear of fixating and contemplating on the negative side of marriage, appreciate the positive

a) realize that your spouse understands and does things differently from how you understand and do things

b) compliment rather than criticize whether it is destructive criticism or even constructive criticism

- do not micromanage: telling him/her that you want things done in a particular way only makes things worse

- do not manipulate the situation or your spouse: changing your spouse’s ways to only benefit your own happiness, feelings or goals

*ex: people who marry a spouse who has prior marriages and/or children—expecting your spouse to reprioritize his/her focus to you and neglect his/her (if any) children from prior marriages

2. Am I a control freak?

a) dominating your spouse

b) controlling to get what YOU want

- controlling and giving is not the same thing

- giving is offered with enthusiasm and love towards your spouse

- controlling is offered with fear and resentment towards your spouse

3. Rule wisely and lovingly to succeed in marriage

B. Chapter 4: OMG!?…Men Have Feelings?

1. A man’s unhappiness, what is the cause of it?

a) some men feel a sense of pain and unhappiness because of how their spouses treat them

2. Men are less aware of their feelings

a) men do not fixate and asset on their emotions

-men do not contemplate on why they feel the way they feel

b) men do not talk about their emotions (stereotypically) with their spouses or with other men

- can lead to women thinking that men do not have feelingsàcausing women to feel irritated with their husbands

In this weblink, it discusses a wide range of issues of psychology dealing with relationships to depression. More on point, there is an article dealing with “nagging” and its effects from wives—the article suggesting that nagging has “more to do with the power structure of marital relationships than with wives' supposedly demanding nature.”

2. http://www.watke.org/resources/MakingGoodMarriageChoices.html

In this weblink, Marriage Notebook: Making the Right Choices For a Great Marriage, it discusses how a marriage can work and function through—CHOICE, thus choosing is the important factor. Being motivated to love your husband/wife, choosing to communicate or start arguing, be willing to understand your spouse rather than write them off—determines how functional your marriage is going to be.

3. http://www.celebratelove.com/support.htm

In this weblink, it discusses that men…apparently have feelings. Larry James, the author explains that men and their feelings are misunderstood by women. Because men refuse to acknowledge their feelings, women think it’s a sign of weakness. However, James suggests that it is a sign of courage and strength—that there are possibilities with their feelings not being expressed.

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409b: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/Antonio/antonio-home.htm

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