Report 1
Monitoring Anti-Unity Values in the Media
By Cynthia Adams
Instructions for this report are at:
www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report1.htm

ANTI-UNITY VALUES (TABLE 9)

1. Living together unmarried

2. Having children out of wedlock

3. Making each other jealous on purpose

4. Adultery for various reasons

5. Promiscuity and bi-sexuality

6. Sexy dressing for men other than one's partner

7. Having a same sex best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

8. Having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things

9. Same sex friends going out as a group for fun and entertainment without their partners

10. Flirting with other gender as retaliation against one's partner (or other reason)

11. Separate interests and activities accepted for partners

12. Manipulating partner through deception

13. Accepting the idea that it's OK to "agree to disagree" about some things

14. Promoting the idea that one should not try to change one's partner but should accept them with their faults, etc.

15. Girls only or boys only entertainment

16. Acceptance of the idea that men are more important

17. Promoting the idea that men are more rational than women

18. Promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender

19. Making it look normal for a man to exploit women

20. Making it look normal for a man to abuse women

21. Making it look normal for a man to have prerogatives or perks that women should accept and honor (e.g., serving men, doing what they want no matter what, being dominant, etc.)

22. Making it look like what women say and think as less important

23. Accepting the idea that a man does not need to "grovel" when he apologizes for something bad he did to her (the minimum is enough and she should not ask for more even if her feelings are still hurt or else she is being "unreasonable" etc.)

Anti-Unity Values

This table is from: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm

Section A

My understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage

The unity model of marriage by Dr. Leon James is a model, which is based on the research and constructs of Emanuel Swedenborg. Swedenborg was a Swedish scientist, philosopher and writer from the 18^th century. The unity model focuses on gender relations between a man and a woman within their marriage. The central concept is based on the design that together men and women are complimentary to each other. Although, they are opposities they connect together to form a significant union. “They are curved around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union”.

This model also illustrates that people encompass three different levels of self. These different levels inclued the affective self, the cognitive self, and the sensorimotor self. The sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions and motor acts which we perform in relationships. Motor acts include both verbal and non-verbal behavior such as body language, talking, holding hands or kissing. The cognitive self is the part of self, which controls the thinking, and reasoning we do in our relationships. Finally, the affective self is the part of self, which operates on feeling and motivations. It is the first of the three interconnected domains of behavior which the unity model is based on.

The affective self is indeed the most important level among the three levels. This is due to the fact that feeling and motivations are caused by our needs, wants, and desires and they directly affect the way in which we think and do the things we do. These thoughts and actions make up many aspects of the other two levels of self-sensorimotor and cognitive.

The unity model states that men and women can form a unique relationship when they are able to unity on all three levels of the threefold self. According to the unity model this is much easier for women to do because women express their emotions and express their feelings much more openly than men. Women tend to be more in touch with their feeling making it easier to communicate their feelings. The unity models goes on to say that women are much more likely to take time to understanding what they are feeling and why they are feeling the way they are. Because women take time to analyze and understand their feeling they can strive more easily toward uniting their feelings with that of a man. Doing so on the affective level.

Men on the other hand are taught to hide their feelings. This often leads to the misconception that most men do not have feelings. Men just express their feeling in a different way. Men generally do not try to understand their feeling or why they feel the way they do.

In the unity model of marriage because women are more acutely aware of their feelings as well as the feelings of the man, and because of this they are more motivated to form a unified couple. Men on the other hand are motivated to be independence and to keeping their options open.

Anti unity values are values, which do not encourage support or togetherness. Anti unity values do not affirm the unity model, which is based on the shared belief between husband and wife that their relationship is based on the eternal. The unity model consists of principles by which a husband governs his behavior towards his wife. As illustrated in the lecture notes, in the unity model of marriage both partners are considered equal, but once the man has become enlightened and has made a conscious choice to defer to the will of his wife, it is the wife who has the final word on all decisions. The couple has now come to accept the idea that their union is not just a union of the physical present but their union is for all of eternity. Their union now extends into the hereafter.

In order for the husband and wife to obtain true unity, the man must put aside his cognitive and affective independence and conjoin with his wife. A husband wants to honor and please his wife above all others. As a conjoined husband he agrees with his wife instead of arguing or bargaining with her. He now accepts that what his wife wants is ultimately better for the marriage, and their relationship. A husband must never do what his wife does not want him to do. A husband must now respond and do always what his wife wants him to do.

AUV short for Anti Unity Values. Ant unity values are any behaviors or gestures, verbal or physical, which are detrimental toward the unification of a husband and wife. Consider AUV number eight, from the table, having a heterosexual best friend who is placed ahead of the partner or in competition for certain things. In order to obtain unity couples need to be each other’s best friend. Having a heterosexual best friend other than one’s wife actually pulls you away with your relationship with your husband or wife. In the unity model marriage the husband and wife care about each other very much and want to try aligning their feeling and ideas and supporting each other.

Also consider number eighteen, which states that promoting the idea that women are generally frivolous as part of their gender. The unity model of marriage actually put men and women as equals and sees them as opposite and necessary for a relationship to work. However, these differences do not put one gender in a position of power between the other. In the unity model, the man aligns himself with the women not because she is in a position of power, but because he wants to. He is choosing to be in this kind of relationship. External and internal unity can be achieved when couples start to think as one unit.

Section B

Prior Generations Understanding of Anti-Unity Values (G23)

Students from G23 were asked to view a number of television shows and describe several scenes, which contained AUV’s. Then they were asked to describe briefly scenes from each of the shows to illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions that were contrary to having a successful marriage. These scenes, which contained AUV’s, were then compared and related to the lecture notes. In reporting their understanding of the unity model of marriage the students were asked to explain their findings by answering a series of questions. .

The students from G23 are trying to show their understanding of anti unity values as commonly portrayed in the media. The two students reports, which I selected from G23, were reports by students Lacey Ethier and Christina Ramirez.

The televisions shows selected by Lacey Ethier to study included Everybody Loves Raymond, Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives. All three shows she watched show both gender differences and anti-unity values. According to Lacey all of these show promoted anti unity values such as servitude to men, promiscuous sex, and affective and cognitive independence of each spouse.

Lacey notes: “ I was not very surprised that it was so east to find instances where characters showed anti unity values on TV. Most of the relationships portrayed in television are unrealistic and phony. For some reason I had never really thought about these things as anti unity before because I was busy being entertained”

Lacey further expresses her thoughts on why these interactions are portrayed so often in the media today. She notes: “ I think that these types of interactions are shown so often because they are the most entertaining. No one wants to watch a perfect couple interact all the time because it would get boring. We want to see drama and humor in other people’s lives “.

Lacy then finishes by responding to the question of what might be the consequences for couples and society. She communicates her thoughts as to what this consequence may be for couples today. She explains: unfortunately, even thought TV is only meant to be for entertainment, people do see so many dysfunctional relationships because of TV that they begin to believe that it is normal. They don’t have any real life couple to look up to or ask for advice. They spend much of their childhood watching TV without being taught that much of what they see is not real.

Lacy finished with a point: People can see entertaining show and still learn to have good relationships”. I honestly have to disagree with this point. It is unfortunate how television has become such an important part of our culture today. Mothers sit their children in front of the television to act a babysitter.

What they see on television is often violent and counterproductive to family values and unity with in a marriage. Many television shows promote promiscuity and gender stereotypes. Consider the soaps for example, it seems everyone is jumping from one persons bed to another. How can young adults and adolescence develop strong family values by watching shows of this nature?

Children today grow up today thinking that it is fine to treat people with disrespect. As long as it does not affect them then what does it matter how they treat others. Children often learn unhealthy behaviors from watching too much violence on television. This has been noted in numerous studies where children’s viewing habits have been studied and compared with their acts of aggressive behaviors.

Christina Ramirez did the second student report I selected. Christina selected the following shows, Desperate Housewives, Gilmore Girls and The George Lopez Show. From Christina’s analysis the following shows all contained anti unity values in that couples were keeping secrets from one another. The shows also promoted the idea that one should not try to change for the sake of the other.

Christian explains that she attempted to find a television show that “showcase the unity Model of Marriage and I was unable to find one”. She goes on to say that: The entertainment industry believes that by portraying couples that are in turmoil, the audience can relate to them because they may be facing the same issues. What everyone seems to forget is that the televisions show are for thirty minutes to an hour. Most of the problems are presented and fixed within that time. That is not real. None of us are able to fix our problems in that amount of time”.

Christina’s response to the question about the consequences for couples and society reflect her opinion that today many couple who marry do not take the time to really get to know one another. She points out that many couples today see this type of behavior on television and have the same expectation for themselves. She points out: They see couples on television that experience love at first sight and assume that they too can find that sort of love. They see couple meet and marry in a movie that only shows a span of a couple of weeks. The couples long for that kind of kinship because it is so easy and looks so wonderful. People forget that amount of time that is actually place in the movie and that we don’t get to see what really happens in the relationships as it progresses.

I would have to agree with Christina on this point. Today many couples see these romantic relationships on television and have the same expectation for themselves. They get this idea in their head that marriage is all romance and sex. What they don’t realize is that to really have a successful relationship it takes patience and understanding from both partners. Perhaps this is why we have such a high divorce rate in this country. Many couples go into a marriage thinking that if the relationship does not work out, then I will just get a divorce and find someone else. Couples today do not seem to look at marriage as a life long commitment, let along a commitment for all of eternity as in the unity model of marriage. I would be inclined to believe that many young people today would

find the concept of the unity model of marriage unrealistic because they do not understand what true commitment requires.

From my analysis of these two student reports the common themes in both of them was that the media portray relationships in a very impracticable view. Today the media gives many couples a false view of what life and marriage is really like. Television and movies today often show people involved in unhealthy relationships and portray unrealistic situations of how couples should behave toward one another.

Unfortunately, this seems to be very commonplace in our society today. Now longer do young people have wholesome shows to watch to model their behavior after. The shows today seem to convey a message in which it is acceptable to lie, cheat, and often abuse one’s partner. Television today seems to be much more violent in nature than in prior years. Even cartoons today constantly portray acts of violence.

Furthermore, the media falsely portrays lifetime events in a thirty-minute time span. Giving viewers a warped sense of what is real and what is not real. Regrettably, today people believe what they see on television and in the movies.

Section C

Anti Unity Values – It Could Happen To You.

The feature film, which I selected, illustrated many gender interactions, which are contrary to developing into a unity marriage. It was difficult to narrow down my selections, as there were many in the film to choose from.

The full feature movie I selected was titled It Could Happen to You. I selected this movie because it is based on a true-life story. Therefore, after watching the film I couldn’t help but think about what an unfortunate life story this was for this married couple. While watching the film I uncovered many scenes, which portrayed I believed, anti-unity values. Anti-unity values are any behaviors or gestures, verbal or physical that is detrimental toward unification of a husband and wife. We are frequently exposed to these types of behavior without our ever realizing it. The table above provides a list of a number of anti unity values.

The film It Could Happen to You is based on the real life story of a married couple, Charlie and Muriel, who win the New York state lottery. The story begins with Charlie buying a lottery ticket at the insistence of his wife, Muriel. The husband after eating in a restaurant discovers that he does not have enough money to leave a tip for the waitress.

So he tells the waitress that he does not have enough money to leave a tip but he does have a lottery ticket. He then promises the waitress half of the winnings from the lottery ticket should he win. Later we see that he and his wife do in fact win the lottery. The husband then confesses to his wife that he has promised half of the winnings to a waitress, who is a total stranger, because he did not have enough money to tip her after the meal. .

There are many scenes in this movie, which illustrate the portrayal of gender interactions, which are contrary to developing unity in a marriage. One of the very first scenes in the movie displays an anti unity value. The scene begins where we see the husband, Charlie, apologizing to his wife for making a promise to give a stranger, Yvonne, half of the winnings from the lottery ticket. The wife is very upset over this promise. However, the husband makes light of the situation. He feels his apology is enough. He has offered a significant apology; his wife, in this case, should accept the fact that he apologized. He feels she is the one being unreasonable. He views his promise, to Yvonne, as a promise. Charlie feels the most important issue at hand is his promise. Despite the fact that the promise he made is to someone other than his wife.

Another scene, which represents anti unity values, is a scene where Charlie feels that his wife is not being very rational about the winning of the lottery. She has pointed out the many things she wishes to do with the winnings and Charlie states to her that she is being inconsiderate because half of the winnings are going Yvonne, the waitress he promised the money to. Here Charlie points out to his wife that she is not being rational about the situation. Charlie believes that he is the more rational one in maintaining a promise he made. This is contrary to obtaining unity within in marriage in that the husband is exercising his dominance.

Yet another scene in which anti-unity values are displayed begins with Charlie developing a relationship with Yvonne, the waitress he promised the lottery winnings to. Charlie, who is a policeman, is injured in the line of duty and is placed on medical leave. Therefore he has a lot of free time on his hands. While attending a party for all lottery winners aboard a yacht, he see Yvonne, who arrive late. Charlie leaves the ship to greet Yvonne and while doing so the ship departs. Charlie and Yvonne both miss the ship and the party. They choose to have dinner together where they both talk about their lives. Charlie talks about his wife Muriel, he makes the commitment “It’s like we’re on two different channels, I’m CNN and she is on the Home Shopping Network. Here Charlie reveal very intimate details about his marriage to Yvonne. Displaying a serious anti unity values.

After dining together Charlie and Yvonne go forward in making plans to see each other again now that Charlie has a lot of free time on his hands. They now make plans together and get together often. They are becoming quite good friends. They spend time rollerblading together and going to baseball games. In this developing relationship both Charlie and Yvonne are placing one another ahead of their spouses. Moreover, Charlie is

making a choice to put Yvonne before his own wife. Here he fails to put aside his cognitive and affective independence and conjoin with his wife. As a husband he should honor her and focus on pleasing his wife. He should put his wife above all others. Unfortunately, today we see a lot of this type of behavior portrayed in the movies and on television.

There are many scene, in this movie, which depict the anti unity value of separate interests and activates accepted for partners. Charlie continues to do things together separate from his wife. His wife planed to remodel their condo with the winnings from the lottery. Muriel on numerous has tried to involve Charlie in the process. She asked for his input on paint and fabric choices. She tried to consult him about choosing new furniture. All the while Charlie refused to get involved or take an interest in the project. The entire time Muriel was remodeling Charlie was involved in activities with Yvonne. Charlie frequently spent time with Yvonne going to lunch and going to museums, instead of getting involved in activities, which were of interest to his wife. This type of behavior is typical of anti unity behaviors. Charlie is not motivated to be with his wife. He has chosen to pursue spending time with someone other than his wife. Charlie is lacking in interdependence and with his wife. He has diminished enthusiasm and admiration for his wife. These thoughts and feeling are now directed towards someone other than his wife.

The scene, which displays a most significant anti unity value, is the scene in which Charlie and Yvonne eventually have sex. Charlie and Yvonne’s relationship has progressed to a level where they now no longer consider the thoughts and feelings of theirs spouses. They have put their needs and desires above those of their spouses. In this movie, Charlie has been operating outside the unity model continuously. He has failed to move toward a deeper relationship with his wife and continues to operate only in seeking his own pleasures. His actions and expressions have been self-centered. Throughout the movie Charlie has maintained separate thoughts and attitudes away from his wife and resisted his wife in her attempts to change them. He eventually went on to develop a relationship with another women. In the end of the movie, this behavior eventually led to a divorce for Charlie and Muriel.

Section D

Discussion and Evaluation of Anti Unity Values in the Media

In discussing the issue of anti unity values with several friends many of them had mixed views. Some of the noticeable differences were difference between the genders. One thing a man many have found acceptable a woman found to be unacceptable. This is evident in regards to anti unity value number eleven-Separate interest and activities accepted for partners. Men and women always seemed to differ on this idea. Several men who view and discussed the film took the position that it was ok to have separate activates from partners. Often men express that separate activities are fine “because that is what makes us individual” Other men went on to say that separate interest and activities are ok, “ if they have a great relationship and open communication”. Another man commented, “It is important for each partner to have interests and activities different than the other. The main thing is that for couples to have respect for the others interest and activities”.

Women on the other hand, seem to take a very different stance on this issue. Many of the women I asked to view this film had a very opposite opinion. Several of them believed that when couples have separate interest and activities then they are pursuing their own interests independently from one another. When couples do not have activities that connect them together they often get into fights over theses separate activities. From here the situations worsens couples tend to withdraw and separate in many ways not just over outside activities. In the end they separate from one another, which contributes to eventually a permanent separation.

Another very serious difference between the genders was in regards to anti unity value number 14 in which promoting the idea that one should not try to change one’s partner but should accept them with their fault. Men often had the mindset that when two people marry, they should already know the person they are marrying. Many went on to say that something little thins don’t bother you before you got married, but then begin to bothers you after marriage, but you are still married and you should accept the partner for who they are. Men often said, “This is why people say marriage is work. You need to work on your relations ship because some days are harder than others. Women should not want to change men. You need to accept the other for whom they are, benefits and faults, and move on”.

Interestingly women had a very different perspective. Women believe that when a person changes it is for the better. Women only want to change their partner for the better. Women were of the opinion that when they request their partner change that they are doing so because they only have his best interest at heart. Women viewed this from a more positive viewpoint; they feel that although the partner was this way when you met them sometime there are certain behaviors and attitudes that require change to make the person a better person. Women only seemed to want to change their spouses to help them develop to a more improved, healthier individual.

This film displayed many anti unity values. Throughout the film the interaction between Charlie and his wife were contrary to achieving unity. I was not surprised how easy it to find a film whose characters displayed anti unity values. Many gender interactions we see on television today portray these types of values. However, many of them seem extreme and contrived to me simply for the sake of entertainment. People tend to want to watch others in unhealthy situations.

I believe relationships are portrayed in such a manner because they make for good television. No one wants to see perfect couples living in total harmony. People tend to want to see chaos and dysfunction in the lives of others. This way their lives seem to be less difficult or complicated.

Movies and television are a means to escape the monotony of our daily lives and get wrapped up in the scandal and drama of make believe. Also people want to feel good about themselves and their relationship. By watching movies and televisions shows of this nature they can put things in perspective. They can somehow justify that their own lives are not so bad after all.

Today many anti unity values are commonplace in society. Young people live together and have children out of wedlock. Many of the shows on televisions promote promiscuity, violence and objectify women. The divorce rate continues to reach record highs. Young people today are left with few role models. If they cannot look to their parents as role models then they look elsewhere, which is often detrimental to their growth and development. The family today is not the same as it was just 20 years ago. There is higher percentage of single parent homes where children lack guidance and discipline. All of these issues do and will continue to have a huge effect on the future of our society. If children do not grow up in a household where they can learn values and morals from their parents then we will continue to face many of the social problems, which are contrary to the unity model of marriage.

In the unity model of marriage the husband and wife are conjoined together. They respect and love each other. I believe that this should be the model for our children to follow, a model, which is based on togetherness and support.

Section E

Songs In The Key of Life

It is difficult to listen to certain types of music today. Many of the lyric in the songs today are graphing and explicit. Many of the CD’s today come with auditory advisory giving warning to explicit lyrics. Therefore, selecting songs with anti unity values were not the least be challenging. There were dozens of songs, which came to mind like David Bowie’s “Wham Bam thank you Mamma”, and Jimmy Buffet’s Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw.

However, I selected two songs, which I feel conveyed anti unity values yet were rather mild in comparison to many of today’s songs. The first song I selected was by the rock group U2. The song is titled “ When Love Comes to Town”. The lyrics are as follows:

I was a sailor, I was lost at sea
I was under the waves
Before love rescued me
I was a fighter, I could turn on a thread
Now I stand accused of the things I’ve said

Love comes to town I’m gonna jump that train
When love comes to town I’m gonna catch that flame
Maybe I was wrong to ever let you down
But I did what I did before love came to town

I used to make love under a red sunset
I was making promises I was soon to forget
She was pale as the lace of her wedding gown
But I left her standing before love came to town

The lyrics of this song reflect several anti unity values about having sex and then being left and abandon. A man tell a women what she wants to hear in order to have sex with her then he runs out on her. The lyrics mention how he never really intended to keep the promises, which he made to her. He abandons her before the relationship could ever evolve into anything, let alone a lasting unified relationship. He basically manipulated her through deception.

Today it seems whenever you turn on the radio you hear songs about promiscuity and adultery. Songs of this nature seem to be what attracts people to them. It is viewed as cool today in our society to be a “player and score” with as many people as possible. There seems to be a real break down of traditional values and morels in society. This is especially evident today in both radio and television. Many conservatives argue that rap music in particular is detrimental to our society in that it promotes violence and abuse towards women.

Alanis Morissette titled the second song, which I selected to evaluate, “You Otta Know”. The lyrics are as follows:

Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn’t able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d held me
Until you died, ‘til you died

But you’re re still alive

you seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

This song reflects one women’s feeling about the ending of a significant relationship. She was replaced quickly and duplicitously. There are several anti unity values in the lyrics of this song. They include making each other jealous, manipulating the partner through deception and how one partner was not willing to change in order to please the other. The song is from a women’s point of view and she is so hurt and angry that she wants the man dead.

I don’t thing people really analyze the songs they are listening to today. People are drawn to music because they like the beat or because it sounds good when played loud. People see music as an outlet or as a means of escape. Yet, music is a serious form of entertainment today. It is a big deal to attend a live rock concert; it is more about being part of the in crowd and being seen.

When I discuss lyrics and their interpretations with my friends they found it hard to believe that I was actually analyzing songs for their content. One friend responded with “ “why would anyone do such a thing”.

However, when I explained the concept of anti unity values my friends seemed to have a different opinion. They then realized just how many of the songs they listen to contain lyrics of this nature. They just never really took a close looks at the content of the songs before.

On the other hand, my of my friends mentioned that because of the explicit nature of many songs, they refuse to allow their children to listen certain types of music. My friends who are parents put restrictions in place about exactly what types of music their children can and cannot listen to.

Section F

Discussion Forums about Marriage

In today’s world the Internet provides us with a resource for an enormous amount of information. There are many sites available where people post messages and make comments about marriage. Two sites, which I have selected, include Objectivism On line forum-The Marriage Discussion and Marriage Partner discussions on matrimonial family issues. Both of these sites present some very interesting views from individuals who are and have been married for many years as well as from those who have been married for only a short. Also there are many comments and views from people who are entering into marriage for the first time.

The first Web site I research on group discussions of marriage was Marriage Partner discussions on Matrimonial family issues. The link to the site is http://marriagepartner.com/talk/messages/11/13255.html?1139797149

One individual’s views, which I found to be particular interesting, were from a man who had been married for six of years. He went on to point out that his wife had been unhappy in their marriage for four of the last six years. He mentions that his wife had complained to him on a number of occasions and his response was that he would take care of it or something to that effect. He communicated about a number of issues and problems within their marriage such as money problems and bills, which stem from the money situations.

The man goes on to point out that the big eye-opener for him was that he failed to realize that the things which were bothering his wife were in fact, bothering her that much. He talks about how he was unaware of his wife’s deep unhappiness. He assumed that the problems he was experiencing in their relationship were geared toward her “Female Trouble” around “that time of the month”.

He reveals just how wrong he was. Once he became aware of the true nature of the situation both he sat down with his wife where she communicated to him, under no uncertain terms just what many of the problems had been. She pointed out to him that wanted things between them to change. She stated that she loved him very much but that she was deeply unhappy with his behavior. She wanted security from him.

It was at this at this time when he realized that in order for their relationship to be different, it would require the solution to come from him. He states, that in fact “the problems were his to fix”. He goes on to indicate that he very much wants to fix the problems between he and his wife. He is willing to change to do so. However, he wants to do so in such a way that he does not continue to anger his wife all over again. He wants to improve their level of intimacy; yet, he does not want to rush his wife. He is struggling with the length of healing time, which may be required for the healing process to take place. He does not want to annoy his wife and make her mad all over again.

I thought this man’s situation was in direct correlation with the unity model of marriage as outlined in the lecture notes. Here we see a man facing divorce because his wife is and has been unhappy in their marriage. He has been oblivious to the reasons why his wife is so unhappy. Finally when he learns the true reasons behind his wife’s unhappiness he set forth to make changes and improve their relationship and their marriage. This is a man who is seeing unity simply by the fact that he is will to change in order to improve his

marriage. I believe that many men today would be unwilling to change and place most of the blame on the wife. Here is a man who is different. He understands that his behavior and actions were the cause of much of his wife deep unhappiness. Here we see a husband who is clearly moving toward the second level of deeper unity, which involves the cognitive self of the two partners.

He is striving to understand his wife’s thoughts, feelings and emotions. He is moving forward to achieving cognitive reciprocity, which according to the lecture notes is easier for women as they are orientated toward conjunction. Men on the other hand, according to the unity model resist giving up the desire to become conjoined. Here is an example of a man who is not resistant to becoming conjoined. He, in fact, is working on achieving it.

The unity model of marriage illustrates that the husband must acquire an accurate knowledge of his wife’s feelings, desires, and emotions. Once this is achieved and the husband his internalized them, he can consult them whenever he acts.

The unity model of marriage further describes that the deepest level of unity involves the partner’s affective self, their feeling, motivations, loves, ultimate goals of happiness and together. The unity marriage is not achieved by promise or desire alone. It is achieved by changing to achieve a deeper level of commitment. Depth in a relationship comes when the couple can unite at the affective and cognitive self because this is where the individual’s thought, feeling, and motivations come into play. Once affective reciprocity is achieved, the couple unites eternally with each other. They are no longer individuals, but they think feel, love, desire, and set goals as one.

The second Web site in which I came across group discussions about marriage was Objectivism Online Forum-The Marriage Discussion. The link to the site is

http://www.objectivismonline.net/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t3945.html

I was somewhat surprised by the things that I read at this marriage discussion forum. Couples covered many topics from porn as an outlet for men, to lack of sex in a marriage, to couples seeking a counselor together. Of the more explicit topic posted I was amazed how many husbands and wife’s held nothing back. Today people’s idea of marriage seems to be very different from previous generations views on marriage.

This marriage discussions forum even posted discussions on getting your spouse to take part in wife swapping and threesomes. The issue of Internet porn was discussed on this and many other different sites.

Yet, one discussion, which I found interesting, was from a couple that experienced some conflict in their marriage and one spouse wished to get the other to see a counselor. The advice offered to this woman in my opinion, was a form of blackmail. The respondent

suggested that the women take her husband out to dinner. She advised her to get dressed up in something sexy and have a good time with her husband. Then once they were having an intimate moment, look into his eyes and tell him all the wonderful things, which she loves, about him. Really let him have it as the respondent suggested. Tell him all of your concerns, but do so in this manner. She advised the women to be direct and to the point. But most important she should not behave in a threatening way. She should

tell her husband that because she loves his so much and that she is afraid of loosing the wonderful relationship that they should go to counseling.

While I agreed with the women who wished to seek counseling because she did not want to loose him or the wonderful relationship. I did not agree with the process in which she was offered advice in how she should approach her husband about the issue. This to me was a form of manipulation through deception.

Relating this to the unity model of marriage I believe the approach, which this woman was advice to take, was in fact contrary to the unity model. The unity model follows the premise where if a couple want to achieve unity they must be motivated to discuss their issues and conflicts in a helpful way until they are able to resolve what they disagree on. Any disagreements tent to lead to avoidance and separation in that area. Therefore, the wife should seek resolution through the affective self. The goal here is affective reciprocity. According to the unity model achieving affective reciprocity is the basis for unity between husband and wife. In achieving affective conjunction the man finally grown to understand his wife feelings and perspective. Here he should share her feeling and emotions and agree to see a counselor because his wants to do so as to improve the marriage and take it to a deeper level.

Section G

Self Help Books at Amazon.com.

Three books I discovers while researching books on marriage at Amazon.com include The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman Ph.D., Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars, by John Gray and A Couples Guide to communication, by John Mordechet Gottman.

All of these books offer practical and insightful information about lasting marriages. The books expound on staying monogamous, growing closer in marriage and improving

communication within a marriage. Today the facts are nothing short of startling, no matter how many people seem to walk down the aisle. The divorce rate in American is at record high numbers. Many people turn to books of this nature for guidance, help and advice. These books examine the questions of why some marriages work and others fail.

One book, which was of interest to me, was a book by John Gottman titled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman is a Psychologist whose has spent 20 years studying that makes a marriage last. In the book he offers way in which to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage such as contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. He provides information, which will help couples make the most of their relationship-avoiding pattern that lead to divorce.

His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening.

One of the book reviews reads as follows:

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, and communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couple’s therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes-amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples that stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Gottman talks about a concept, which he refers to as emotionally intelligent marriages. He suggests that marriages, which are emotionally intelligent, are because couples hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feeling about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive one. The more emotionally intelligent a couple is the better they are able to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage.

This relates to the unity model of marriage in that Gottman’s book is more associated with the characteristics with the equity model. The equity model is more in line with the view, which people uphold today. While many couples today have moved away from the traditional dominance relationship like that of their parents and grandparents; the equity model of marriage is characterized as a model where all responsibility and duties of husband and wife are shared through negotiation and agreement between each other. This leads to a cognitive love of conjunction since they negotiate in the way of arguments as to why one partner should do one thing and the other partner should do another. We see that Gottman’s book relates to the unity model in that it focuses on the positive emotions shared between husband and wife. The unity model stresses the importance of positive emotions, which are necessary to achieve unity. Via these positive emotions a cognitive unity is eventually achieved as long as both partners are willing to negotiate and compromise rather than manipulate.

A second book, which I came across in my search at Amazon.com COM, was the book by John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The review at Amazon.com states that Relationship counselor John Gray focuses on the differences between men and women--men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, after all--and offers a simple solution: couples must acknowledge and accept these differences before they can develop happier relationships. In this unabridged version, Gray gives a spirited delivery of his message, especially when role-playing typical male/female interactions. The information is sound and gives both men and women helpful hints on improving themselves and their union.

John Gray, Ph.D., an internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships, and the author of twelve bestsellers, has been conducting personal-growth seminars for thirty years. He is a Certified Family Therapist (National Academy for Certified Family Therapists), a consulting editor of the Family Journal, a member of the Distinguished Advisory Board of the international Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, and a member of the American Counseling Association. John lives with his wife and three children in Northern California.

The in-depth review from Liberty Journal communicates:

From Library Journal
Couples counselor Gray addresses the topic of male-female relationships with humor, insight, and understanding. Author of What You Feel, You Can Heal (Heart Pub. 1989), he offers practical advice on understanding the opposite sex and achieving satisfactory relationships. He argues that we must accept the fact that men and women have different values, communication styles, and intimate needs, then offers practical tips on avoiding painful arguments, asking for support, and communicating during difficult times. His "Venusian/Martian" phrase dictionary lists statements made by men and women and the ways in which they are often misinterpreted. Written in a light tone that keeps the reader's interest, this is a very helpful source for couples trying to keep love alive. Recommended for self-help and therapy collections.
- Demetria A. Harvin, "Hospital Medicine," New York
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.

John Gray book relates to the unity model in that it recognizes that men and women are different. But it is different in such that the proposed solutions offered throughout the book follow along the lines of the equity model. The book mentions that women are unity seeking however men are not. Men who retreat to their caves would need to change according to the unity model.

John Mordechi Gottman titles a third book, which I encountered in my search, A Couples Guide to Communication. (Same name different Gottman).

This book communicates that men and women are equal but different within their style of communication. The book offers suggestions on how to improve communication with your partner and how to manage the day-to-day difficulties in conversation which couples encounter in a marriage.

I felt that this book related to the unity model of marriage at the sensorimotor level only. While it helps couples to understand the need for improved communication within a marriage it only do so on this first level. The book focuses only on the level, which involves mostly verbal communications. In order to achieve unity within a marriage a couple must conjoin on all levels of the threefold self. Communicating is important to achieving unity it is not the most important step.

In fact the most important to achieving unity within a marriage is for a husband and wife to achieve mental intimacy. A man must recognize ways in which he can add to his wife’s happiness. When a man understands that these steps are necessary to obtaining unity he is then able to realize how just how special his marriage can be.

The review reads:

Great for one and all, April 24, 2000

Reviewer:

A D Heller (Florida, USA) - See all my reviews

This book was recommended for me to read by my Sociology Professor instead of John Gray's work, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and I love it! I've delved a little into both texts and enjoy Gottman's work better since its suggestions are backed by years of clinical research on how thousands of couples communicate and presents the strategies that worked best for them, where Gray's are more based on observations. This book gives practical step by step knowledge of how to communicate with your partner and the little snags that you run into day by day without even knowing it. I consider my partner and I very open and able to communicate with each other, but reading this book showed us that even we could use some improvement; it has helped me to see where my ability to communicate goes astray and gave me ways to work on them. The language is easy to understand and there are even practice exercises you can do with your significant other to review the information he presents. The book presents a whole program that you can do to help you communicate better with your mate or even anyone you come into contact with. If you are the kind of person who constantly is searching to improve your life, then this is a book for you!

Section H

Unintended Consequences

In the Unity Model of Marriage, Dr. James has introduced a model based on Emanuel Swedenborg’s writing to unify men and women or unify them in their gender relationships. There are three levels in the unity model. The first level is the sensory-motor, which governs our behaviors, verbal and non-verbal. The second level is our cognitive level, which accounts for our thinking, reasoning we do in our marriage relationship. The third level is the affective level, which represents the feeling and motivation in people’s relationships.

The idea behind the unity model is both partners are considered equal, since the man has become enlightened and has chosen to defer to the will of his wife, she ends up with the last word on all decisions.

The couple has come to understand and accept the premises that their union is one, which will last for all eternity. In order to obtain a true unity, the man must put aside his cognitive and affective independence and conjoin with his wife. A husband wants to honor and please his wife putting aside all others. He now focuses on this unity in that he agrees with his wife instead of arguing, bargaining or negotiating with her. He has come to accept that what his wife wants is ultimately better for the marriage and for their relationship

In studying the unity model of marriage I have learned many important things. The unity model holds a unique perspective in that it states that men and women can form a lasting relationship, both in the physical present and for all of eternity, if they are able to unite at all three levels of the threefold self, the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self and most importantly the affective self.

Another key point, which I have learned by studying the unity model of marriage, is that I will most likely never achieve unity within own my marriage. My husband does not believe in the concept of eternity and the afterlife.

Furthermore, we do on many occasions agree to disagree. Which is in direct conflict with the unity model. An example here is our disagreement about my college career. My husband is insistent on the fact that I finish school and graduate this summer. Therefore, to achieve this goal, I must finish 18 credits this semester, followed by 15 credits over the course of the summer. I have strongly disagreed with doing this as it entails a heavy class load for myself and requires a lot of hard work on my behalf. I have, however, in the end, agreed to do this in order to keep the peace and avoid unnecessary arguments and confrontations. Although, I disagree with him I have agreed to graduate in the summer simply because it will make life easier for me in doing so. Perhaps he is exercising his dominance here; nevertheless, I am following this plan. Despite the fact that he is directly promoting, what is referred to in the unity model of marriage, as an anti-unity value. Consequently, in regards to this situation and according to the unity model of marriage my husband is operating in the dominance level.

In the end, I have concluded that the unity model of marriage is for some but not for everyone. The important thing is to keep and open mind and learn from whatever you experience or encounter in life. In studying the unity model I have asked myself some deep and difficult questions. Is unity within my marriage possible? Do I continue to try to achieve unity with my husband? Perhaps I will be able to education him through my better understanding of the unity model. These are just a few of the many difficult questions I have asked myself. So, as I go forward in the class I maintain an open mind and open heart. Nevertheless, now as I am studying the unity model of marriage, it has brought on some unexpected consequences.

Advice to future Generations

In giving advise to future generations who are doing a similar report, I would offer several key pieces of advise. First, I would suggest that you make an outline for each of the subheading. This will ensure that you have covered all the material and answered all the questions, thoroughly and efficiently.

Second, I would recommend that once you have several outlines in place and your key points organized, you then begin searching the web for the pertinent information, which you will need for your report. Once you obtain web information and sites necessary for your documentation you can incorporate this data into your outlines. This way you will have at you disposal all the key sites you found in your search.

Third, I would offer that once you have several outlines in place, which cover the key topics, I would organize them in accordance with the report format. This will enable you to develop a smooth, organized, well flowing report.

Next, I would propose that you take notes in class. This makes the work a little easier. You can then refer to both your notes and the lecture material, which will aid a better understanding of the concepts and ideas.

Most importantly keep an open mind. In the beginning you may not always agree with the diverse ideas and concepts but every situation teaches us something. This class offers that experience. You may not realize it now but in the end you just might be surprised as to what you did learn and what you have taken away from this class.

My Homepage is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2006/adams/

Class Home Page is:

http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/classhome-g24.htm