Report 2:

Report 2:
My Understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage
By Cynthia Adams
Instructions for this report are at:

www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-report2.htm
I am answering Questions 1, 2, 4, 10, and 13

The Question that I am answering is Question 1

(a) (a) Contrast the four views of gender relationships expressed by Tanned in Gender issues, Schlessinger in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Coleman in The Lazy Husband and James in the Unity Model of Marriage.

The unity model of marriage by Dr. Leon James is a model, which is based on the research and constructs of Emanuel Swedenborg. Swedenborg was a Swedish scientist, philosopher and writer from the 18^th century. The unity model focuses on gender relations between a man and a woman within their marriage. The central concept is based on the design that together men and women are complimentary to each other. Although, they are opposities they connect together to form a significant union. “They are curved around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union”.

This model also illustrates that people encompass three different levels of self. These different levels include the affective self, the cognitive self, and the sensorimotor self. The sensorimotor self operates the sensations, perceptions and motor acts which we perform in relationships. Motor acts include both verbal and non-verbal behavior such as body language, talking, holding hands or kissing. The cognitive self is the part of self, which controls the thinking, and reasoning we do in our relationships. Finally, the affective self is the part of self, which operates on feeling and motivations. It is the first of the three interconnected domains of behavior which the unity model is based on.

The affective self is indeed the most important level among the three levels. This is due to the fact that feeling and motivations are caused by our needs, wants, and desires and they directly affect the way in which we think and do the things we do. These thoughts and actions make up many aspects of the other two levels of self-sensorimotor and cognitive.

The unity model states that men and women can form a unique relationship when they are able to unity on all three levels of the threefold self. According to the unity model this is much easier for women to do because women express their emotions and express their feelings much more openly than men. Women tend to be the gender that is more in touch with their feeling, making it easier to communicate their feelings. Women are thought to be more emotional as compared to men. The unity models goes on to say that women are much more likely to take time to understanding what they are feeling and why they are feeling the way they are. Because women take time to analyze and understand their feeling they can strive more easily toward uniting their feelings with that of a man. Doing so on the affective level.

Men on the other hand are taught to hide their feelings. This often leads to the misconception that most men do not have feelings. Men have the same amount of feelings and emotions as women do. They are just not as aware of their feelings. Furthermore, men just express their feeling in a different way. Men generally do not try to understand their feeling or why they feel the way they do. Women often have the ability to perceive their own feelings a well as a man’s feelings. This is generally why women are stereotyped as being the ones who are always encouraging her man to be more in touch with his emotions and feelings.

In the unity model of marriage because women are more acutely aware of their feelings as well as the feelings of the man, and because of this they are more motivated to form a unified couple. Men on the other hand are motivated to be independence and to keeping their options open. In this case, she is striving to unite with her man through the affective level. When he resists her, he is inhibiting the relationship from growing into a more meaningful relationship.

In the unity model, women are already prepared to conjoin to her husband on all three levels. Men on the other hand, are more prone to resist unification. Therefore, it is up to him to want to unite with his woman on all three levels of the threefold self. When the man has given up all of his independence, he is in the position of being able to completely unite to his woman and become a whole new person with her.

In Tannen’s Gender & Discourse, she focuses on the fact that several issues regarding communication stem from how we talk and interact with one another. Tannen looks at the way in which gender influences specific linguistic patterns. In her book she research and discussed several different themes involving gender. She emphasized how men and women approach conversations and arguments differently. Tannen believes that power and solidarity between men and women are exemplified in discourse or language. The ways in which men and women interact verbally can either show opposition to each other or can demonstrate ways in which to support each other.

She argues against the idea that indirectness, interruption, and silence are tactics that men use to dominate women in speech. In her book, she claims that both men and women can be indirect and this is not caused by feelings. Interruption, Tannen believes, is actually more often what she terms “overlap”, when the listener talks with the speaker in order to validate what they are saying. Women are more prone to this than men and they do it as a sign of active listening. While Tannen agrees that silence can be used as a form of manipulation, which sex does it, depends more on culture other than gender. Throughout the book, Tannen’s research and essays are instrumental in helping her readers to better understand just how the different linguistic tendencies of men and women can affect how they communicate with each other.

In Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, she takes the approach that in a marriage; women are obligated to provide for whatever her husband’s needs are, no matter what the task is. As long as a husband is not cheating or physically abusing his wife, and is supporting the family by working. A wife then needs to do whatever it takes to keep her husband happy. Schlessinger believes that men are simple creatures with simple needs and women are way too complicated and often times place far too many demands on their husbands.

The ideas in Dr. Laura ‘s book are the exact opposite of Dr. James unity model. The main model in her book is society’s traditional model of a marriage in which the man is the one who exercises dominance in the relationship. She takes an overtly make dominate view of gender relationships. Throughout her book, she tells her readers (primarily women) continually that everything that goes wrong within their relationships is their fault. She blames women for all the uncaring, insensitive, or cruel things their husbands do. The women need to make the conscious decision and the effort to make the marriage work. This model contrasts the unity model because Schlessinger feels that women are too emotional and they need to learn how to control their emotions and not bombard their husbands with all of their emotional baggage.

In short, Dr. Laura tells women that if they are unhappy with how their husbands are behaving they must first fix what ever they are doing to upset their poor, mistreated husband and then the gentle man will automatically start doing everything he can do in order to please his wife because that is what he really wants to do in life anyway. Dr. Laura Schlessinger believes that women should be subservient to their husbands’ wishes, willing to serve him and be completely accepting of all his faults.

In Joshua Coleman’s The Lazy Husband, he strives to help married couples achieve equity in their relationship. His book mainly addressed women who were extremely desperate for help in trying to get their husbands to take on more additional responsibilities within the household. Basically, they are tired of the behaviors of their lazy husbands.

What Dr. Coleman is saying in his book is that, the men needed to do the changing, but that task was going to be a hard battle to fight for the wives. Therefore, he proposes that in order for the wives to expect change, they are going to have to be the ones to take charge and initiate the change through various tactics. For example, one tactic that a woman could use is to increase her bargaining power by bettering herself. If she wants her husband to take her seriously about changing his ways, she could go back to school and get that degree, and become more financially independent. In this way, she begins to lessen her dependency on her husband, forcing him to realize that his wife and get along without him. The husband is then put in the position that if he doesn’t change, she could very well leave him.

Another strategy offered by Dr. Coleman is that a wife should lower her standards, especially when it comes to household chores. Sometimes, a husband and wife’s notion of clean may be completely different from one another. Therefore, a wife needs to take into consideration that her standard of a clean house may be an unreasonable expectation for her husband to meet. Others suggestions in which a woman could lower her standard is to simplify her meals by not having to cook elaborate meals every night or not have to clean as often.

This model of marriage falls in line with the equity model of marriage where everything needs to be split fifty-fifty. This model, however, doesn’t quite align with the unity model of marriage because a lot of the responsibility for change in the marriage is placed on the woman. Furthermore, the man does not strive to unite with his woman because he doesn’t take the initiative to trying to understand his wife’s emotions or feelings and that she needs more help in the responsibilities of the relationship.

(b) Your analysis should also include a chart or table that shows the differences between the four books in a systematic way

	James’, Unity Model of Marriage	Tannen’s, Gender Issues	Coleman’s, The Lazy Husband	Schlessinger’s, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Couple’s should have some distance to inspire separateness and privacy	False	True	True	True
The man cooperates with the woman’s attempts to change him	True	n/a	False	False
Couples try to make each other happy	True	True	False	False
Men are open to change	True	True	False	False
The man strives to be emotionally united with his wife	True	n/a	False	False
Couples are mutually interdependent and complementary in all areas	True	n/a	False	False
The woman strives to be emotionally united with her partner	True	n/a	True	False
Marriage is a lifelong relationship that can be maintained	True	True	True	True
Each partner always has his or her partners’ emotions and feelings in mind.	True	False	False	False

In my opinion, I believe that the most ideal of the models would have to be the unity model of marriage. I do agree with the fact that men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions. No gender, or individual for that matter is void of any of these things. The difference in the genders however, is the way in which men and women express their emotions. Dr. Laura is of the opinion that men are simple creatures. They do not want to express their emotions or have emotions to express. I completely disagree with this belief. Men are thinking and feeling beings as well as women.

On the other hand, I agree with Coleman in that he tries to help couples create a more equitable relationship. What I do not agree with are some of his strategies he offers in achieving a more equitable relationship. For instance, having a woman increase her bargaining power by getting a higher education. I feel that this is such an inappropriate way for a woman to get attention from her husband. I consider my situation here; I am pursuing a higher education for many reasons not simply to gain recognition from my husband. If a wife has to resort to doing something like this in order to get her husband to do more work around the house, then perhaps the problem goes much deeper than just sharing housework responsibilities.

The concepts presented by Dr. James in the unity model of marriage are the most new and innovative compared to Tannen, Schlessinger and Coleman. It is new in the sense because it presents information on the enhancement of a man. The information teaches a man to reach his full potential. Dr. James teachings showcase that a women does not have to be subservient to a man and that a man should change if he desires to make the relationship eternal. Tannen’s book looks at how men and women communicate in all kinds of relationships she does not cover models of marriage.

Constructing the chart made it easier to understand the different models of marriage simple by looking at it in comparison to the views offered by the other authors. One important aspect illustrated by the chart is that in regards to the issue of negotiation in a relationship. This issue strongly defines one’s type of relationship or model of marriage.

(d) How do your own views compare to what’s in the chart?

In viewing the chart, if I had to choose which model I would most want my marriage to follow, I would choose the unity model. In this model the husband and wife are striving towards a union, which is eternal. The marriage is not just about having a fifty-fifty relationship or a male dominated relationship, the marriage is about conjoining for all of eternity. It is a marriage in which both partners are equal and a husband wants to honor and please his wife above all others. In achieving unity a couple will form a special relationship where they will live in harmony together in this life and the eternal life thereafter.

However, currently my marriage seems to be more in line with the equity model expressed by Dr. Coleman. As I mentioned in my first report by husbands does not believe in the concept of the afterlife. I am making some progress with him though. I believe this is because he now has a more open mind to the concepts presented.

Dr. Coleman offers a very humanistic view, which is based on and requires the woman to manipulate a man when she wants something. Dr. Coleman suggests that if you want something from a man then they must be trained to do so, because mentally they are not aware of your feelings.

Tannen offers her information based on linguistics. She believes that the way in which a woman presents herself will help the conservation. This often leads towards a woman having an impact in a conversation rather than the man ignoring her.

Dr. Laura presents her view from a male dominated stand. It is very difficult to understand why and how she chooses to base her information on how a women must let the man rule the relationship. She believes that the man should hold the power in the relationship, although the woman should remember that she does have power over her husband.

(e) How are your ideas influence by each of these four three different perspectives on marriage?

The four view expressed are each very different. In reading them I would say that each one has influenced me. Over the years, we have been taught to believe in the views expressed by Dr. Laura. These are many of the views which my parents and grandparents modeled their marriages after. Today, many people have come to appreciate the views expressed by Dr. Coleman. His views are similar to the beliefs and views expressed by Dr. Phil, the popular humanistic psychologist who has his own television show. Tannen’s views which are based on linguistics have offered much insight in regards to communications styles and communications between the genders.

Dr. James has presented information, which can be described as eternal. Prior to this class I have always viewed my marriage more towards a marriage that follows the equity model. As a result of studying the unity model of marriage many of my ideas and expectations, in regards to my marriage have now changed. I have taken important aspects from each of the different views and applied them to my marriage, also taking into consideration my values and culture.

The Question that I am answering is Question 2

A husband and wife seem to get along real well together, enjoying the same activities, having fun, being popular with friends, etc. Then they have a fight over some disagreement and they show disrespect and hatred for each other.

(a) Explain why this turnabout can happen and what is its cause. Be sure to use some aspect of the theory given in the Lecture Notes.

It is normal for a happily married couple to argue and disagree when they are not in the unity model of marriage. They are not conjoined and have not achieved unity at each of level of the three-fold self. They are externally conjoined which means, they like spending time together. They engage in activities, which require the use of sensorimotor skills. These kinds of activities that they are engaged in such as sharing the same activities and having fun, are activities relating to the sensorimotor self. Furthermore, according to the unity model, this is the simplest level in which a couple can be connected. What happens on the outside involves the external self. According to the unity model of marriage, the couple can have hatred for each other while seemingly happy to everyone else because the couple is only connected at the sensorimotor self. When a couple is only connected externally, they may have resentment, disappointment, and competiveness toward one another and not even realize it. A couple will have an argument, say things that they may or may not mean, disagree to disagree and then make up. This cycle will continue until the husband is willing to give up his dominance and allow his wife to guide him.

When the couple is only connected at the sensorimotor self, they are not connecting with each other’s thoughts, feelings and motivations, which includes parts of the cognitive and affective self. When the partner’s are not aware of each others thought, feelings, and motivations, they can become resentful of each other and show disrespect and hatred for each other. The underlying feelings of resentment and hatred can manifest in anger, and disrespectful behavior towards each other.

According to Lecture Notes, couples can become physically and mentally abusive towards each other. Usually, when they engage in this kind of behavior they are influenced by what is called “exploitative motivations.” The partners often misunderstand or misinterpret their partners. The only way to alleviate this problem is to gain control over our threefold self. In gaining this, the couple will be conjoined with the affective and cognitive self, which will allow for a deeper and more meaningful marriage.

(b) Discuss how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle so that it never occurs again. In your explanation be sure to apply the unity model, the threefold self, and the conjoint self as explained in the Lecture Notes.

Married partners can work toward avoiding the reverse flip-flop cycle by concentrating on the three-fold self. Married couples can reverse this cycle if they strive for the conjoint self within their marriage relationship. This principle states that, “…the perfection of unity in a marriage increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners, and is a spiritual union that lasts to eternity. In a unity marriage, the husband and wife develop a conjoint self, while their former individual self recedes into the background and no longer operates.”

When a couple has achieved a conjoint self, this means that they are connected at all three levels of the threefold self: affective self, sensorimotor self, and cognitive self. When a couple takes their marriage vows, it does not necessarily mean that they are in the unity model of marriage. The couple needs to connect one by one at all three levels, starting with the sensorimotor self, the cognitive self, and finally, the affective self. This process may take many years. Some marriages never elevate to the unity model.

At the sensorimotor level, there is an agreement between the two partners, but the agreement is external and is not an internal agreement. This might even mean that the partners don’t have respect for each other. An example of this might be a couple who enjoys being physical with each other but have no real emotional connection. They may or may not have respect for each other, but the bottom line is that their relationship has no real depth to it. At this level, the woman tends to be more uncomfortable because she is striving for a more meaningful bond with her man. A man at this level, however, is most comfortable because he can achieve physical satisfaction without him having to conjoin emotionally to his woman. At this level, he is more prone to exploit his partner because he could pretend to be emotionally connecting with her when in reality he is not. The only reason he puts on this front is so that he can get what he wants, which is physical satisfaction. Women, on the other hand, strive to gain “togetherness” with her man, whereas a man strives to maintain his “selfhood and independence.”

Quoting the unity model, “Men have an inborn resistance to marital unity which they have to fight against most of their life.” Men may often engage in behaviors such as excluding their wives from activities that they may enjoy. They may also maintain external relationships with other women, for instance with ex-wives or ex-girlfriends. A man may also have boys night outs with these friends in order to escape his wife for while. All of these behaviors perpetuate his independence and inhibit mental intimacy with his wife.

According to the unity model, women are filled with spiritual wisdom and love. A man on the other hand, has love within him as well, but it is overpowered by his external intelligence. When a man is able to let a woman’s spiritual wisdom and love guide him and influence him, he becomes elevated to a level he has never experienced before. This experience allows a man to unite with his partner as one.

When couples reach their three-fold self, they are conjoined in every way possible. True depth and harmony in a relationship comes when the couple can unite at the affective and cognitive self because this is where the individual’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations come into play. Through affective reciprocity, the couple unites eternally with each other. Now they think, feel, love, desire, and set goals as one.

(d) The unity model says that men are resistant to mental intimacy and to conjugial unity. Collect data to either confirm or disconfirm this prediction. Interview several women of varying ages (to the extent possible). Make up a checklist consisting of 10-20 items highlight what the women have said about their experiences with men’s resistance to intimacy. Discuss the list and what it can be used for.

	Barb 28	Dara 38	Lisa 42	Terry 38	Mary 60
Did your husband or boyfriend have a hard time saying, “I love you?”	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your husband/ boyfriend like to discuss his feelings?	No	No	No	No	Yes
Does your husband or boyfriend feel that it is okay to have women friends?	Yes	Yes	No	No	No
Is your husband/boyfriend willing to give up his independence?	No	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your husband/boyfriend want sex whenever they feel like it?	Yes	Yes	No	No	No
Does your husband/boyfriend show compassion when you need someone to talk to about problems?	No	No	Yes	No	Yes
Do men do things only to satisfy themselves?	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes
Does your husband seek comfort from others besides you?	Yes	No	No	Yes	No
Do you feel that your husband/boyfriend strives to understand your feelings, and motivations?	No	No	Yes	Yes	Yes
Do you feel that you could be more mentally intimate with your husband/boyfriend?	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes	Yes

According to the unity model, there is what is called “conjugial unity.” This idea states that there can be conjugial love between a man and a woman. Once again, this is only achieved through unity of the threefold self. Conjugial unity between a man and a woman is eternal. It does not stop at death; it goes on forever.

According to my table, all of the women whom I interviewed were either married or currently in a relationship that had the potential of leading to marriage. Many of the women in these relationships also had the potential to be in the unity model; however, like me, they are not exactly there yet. I also noticed that mental intimacy between the partners is more evident in the relationships, which involved older women. Perhaps the reason for this is that achieving unity, at all three levels of the three-fold self takes a long time and is a continuous, ongoing process.

My conclusion, after interviewing several of my women friends was that their answers were very similar. It was interesting despite age difference and martial status how many of these women felt the same way. Many of the women agreed that men are very resistant to and less apt to develop intimacy with their partners. The women felt that men are taught to be men, which involves resisting intimacy because in our society this is viewed as a sign of weakness.

I do believe, however, that when a man is in a place where he is ready to get married and he finds the right woman, to share his life with, then he is more willing to commit to his partner. Men who have reached this stage in life are then more willing to give up their independent lifestyles.

This list can be utilized to educate men in a positive way. The list could help men to see the similar views which many women share about intimacy within their relationship. When men are taught that mental intimacy is not a sign of weakness, then they will be more likely to achieve intimacy within their relationships. This will lead to much happier and healthier relationships for both men and women. This may also help to assist men and women with the selection of their perspective spouses.

The Question that I am answering is Question 4

(a) Select at least one student report on marriage from each of Generation 20, 21, 22 and 23, as listed in the Reading section of the Lecture Notes at

: www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/leonj/leonpsy24/409b-g24-lecture-notes.htm#students

The student reports I selected from previous generations were as follows: From G-20 I selected the report done by Shortcake. From G-21 I selected a report done by Cheryl Sabey. From G-22 I selected a report done by Michelle Horst and from G-23 I selected the report done by Caroline Nadalin.

(b) Shortcake: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bs2004/shortcake/report3.htm

Summary: The purpose of shortcakes report was to complete the task of self-witnessing within her relationship. In other words, she analyzed her own relationship in regards to the unity model of marriage. In Shortcake’s report she states how she applied the three areas of the conjoint self to her own marriage. She did this by making observations within her current marriage. She collected data about her and her husband’s interactions and behaviors. She provided a brief background of herself and how her first marriage failed due to her ex-husbands drinking problem. She believed that divorce was the best solution because she did not want to subject her children to such bad influences. She remarried and now wants to make her current marriage work because she believes he is a great husband.

She began the report with self –witnessing and the threefold self. She also states that it takes both the man and the woman to make the effort to reach the unity model of marriage, which is believed to be the utmost achievement that should develop within the marriage. The way in which she designed her experiment was that she let her husband know of her project and all that it entailed. She then observed behaviors in each of the levels of the threefold self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. In these three levels she observed different situations everyday. Furthermore, she observed simple everyday instances or used past experiences to describe when it was used.

In her analysis she found that her relationship was heading in a positive direction. Based on their actions toward one another, they seem to be trying to function as one. With her analysis, she could better see the areas that may need some further improvement and she could see those areas that were functioning just fine. She also attributed some of the successes to her husband’s parents. His parents stood as an example fro reaching the unity model because they had been married fro a long, long time. She concluded in emphasizing that she feels that they are heading towards unity and although they are headed in a positive direction there are still many obstacles for them to overcome. She also pointed out that using this subjective observation technique was very helpful in the collection of her data.

(c) General Conclusion:

(i) Ideas - I believed she expressed her ideas based on her personal experience. She was able to understand certain behaviors that she and her husband in regards to the threefold self. I felt that she presented her report in a clear and interesting manner. This was primarily due to her personal experiences. She also developed the realization that she is trying to move toward the direction of the unity model.

(ii) Method- I felt the methods she uses were creative and clever. In that she applied this to her everyday married life. I believe this helped her in analyzing her own marriage and to see many things that she did not see before. By viewing her marriage in this manner, she could then improve her own life and marriage. The ideas presented gave me a clear example of the threefold self.

(iii) Explanation – Shortcake’s explanation of the threefold self at the beginning of the report introduced the concepts both clearly and consciously. This explanation helps to provide a better understanding when she categorized the behaviors between herself and her husband. Her explanations provided a direct representation of the concepts and were presented in an understandable form. In order for the couple to be in the unity model of marriage, they must have mental intimacy with each other. As stated before, since the wife is already striving to unite with her husband at all three levels of the unity model, it is up to the husband to fight his urges to remain independent and tries to develop mental intimacy with his wife.

Cheryl Sabey: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leonj/409bf2004/sabey/409b-g21-report2.htm

Summary: The purpose of Ms. Sabey’s s report was to communicate the understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. In this report Ms. Sabey applied many of the concepts of the threefold self and the three levels of unity, which she learned in class to answer the many questions. She began her report by comparing the three different views of Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and Dr. Leon James. She showed how they all view gender relationships differently. She also showed how they all compare. She did this in a table she devised. She then answered yes or no questions according to the model. In her second question she summarized the reports of students from six previous generations. In her third question she utilized the table that listed 20 behavioral indicators of one’s relationship. She found ten quotes from Dr. Laura that go directly against the Unity Model of Marriage. In her last question she shows the ennead chart of marriage that defines feelings of not getting along in the three models unity, equity, and dominance. She lists certain activities that she picked out from her own experience or from observations seen in the media and from other relationships, which surrounded her.

(c) General Conclusion:

(i) Ideas - In the table she used to compare the three models to one’s relationship, she found that the most opposing to the unity model was the dominance model of marriage. She indicated that doing the ennead chart was difficult. She stated that the task was more complicated than she thought because she could not think of instances immediately. She went on to say that she had to picture herself in each model and predict what may happen. In reading through her table, I also found it difficult. You literally have to place yourself in each model in order to come up with examples of instances. One point she did mention which I agreed with her, was that the table although difficult is helpful in comparing one’s relationship to the various models.

(ii) Method - She utilized many charts throughout her paper to aid in her understanding of the unity model. I also found this helpful. I found the chart about characteristics and situations in gender relationships particularly interesting. It was interesting how she applied important concepts from each book and then based her answers on the examples given in the book.

(iii) Explanations – Ms. Sabey explained that she gained an enormous amount of knowledge of the different perspective in models of marriage and gender. She stated that through gaining an understanding of the various perspectives and theories she was able to apply them to her won relationship. The many models presented in class helped her to look into her own relationship and figure out which model she fell into.

Michelle Horst: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bs2005/horst/409b-g22-report2.htm

Summary: The purpose of the report by Michelle Horst was also to illustrate her understanding of the Unity Model of Marriage. In her report Ms. Horst also answers a series of questions to help aid in the understanding the concepts of the Unity Model of Marriage. Ms. Horst began her report answering a question about when couple fight or have disagreements they show disrespect and hatred toward one another. The point of her answer is to show how married partners can reverse this flip-flop cycle and ensure it never occurs again. She responds that couples can make sure this cycle ends is by applying the principles of the unity model to their own marriage. Partners must understand their role in the threefold self and how it interacts with the three levels of the unity model. Ms. Horst also conducted a mini-experiment within her own relationship. Here she applies a number of techniques, which involve questions. She goes on to answer other questions involving making field observations in observing her own relationship.

(c) General Conclusion:

(i) Ideas - I believe that her observations gave her a better look at the operations within her own relationship with respect to the unity model of marriage. She seemed to gain an understanding of the threefold self and could better apply the concepts to her won relationship. Her ideas were presented clearly and I enjoyed how freely she communicated information about her own relationship.

(ii) Method – I thought her methods were interesting. Especially the questions she used in her mini-experiment. She was able to apply the concepts easier because of this perspective. I think this also helped to better understand her relationship more and to see things now that were perhaps not so obvious.

(iii) Explanation – She explained the information very well. Her explanations of what model she fell under seemed to have evidence and proof that supported her understanding of the concepts. Her explanations of the three levels of the unity model of marriage made it easy for me to understand where she was in the examples.

Caroline Nadalin: http://www.soc.hawaii.edu/leon/409bf2005/nadalin/nadalin-409b-g23-report1.htm

Summary: Ms Nadalin began her report contrasting the views of gender and relationships expressed by Deborah Tannen, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and Dr. Joshua Coleman and Dr. Leon James in the Unity Model of Marriage. She utilized a chart to aid in the understanding of the various points of view. In the chart she showed how they all view gender relationships differently. She then answered questions about the flip-flop cycle of disrespect after an argument occurs within a marriage. She explained why this turnabout can happen and what causes it to happen. She went on to answer the question about “sexual blackmail”. She communicated that she learned that in her previous relationships she had encountered “sexual blackmail” From this she learned that in the future she will not give a man what he wants until she gets what she wants. She went on to say that she believes that there are two types of men in the world today, those who respect women and those who do not.

(c) General Conclusion:

(i) Ideas - In the table comparing the three models to one’s relationships she believed the unity model is the best model ever. She thinks it keeps the marriage happy and lasting. I believe she is missing a clear understanding of the unity model. Because if she had a better understanding of the unity model. I think she would then understand that is actually the best model of all.

(ii) Methods – I thought her methods presented a biased view of men. I think that if she was able to better understand and apply the concepts she would gain a better perspective.

(iii) Explanation- I feel that Ms Nadalin presented again bias and somewhat naive explanations. She stated that she would not give a man what he wants until she gets what she wants. My thoughts on this explanation are simply that perhaps she should strive to associate with men with whom she can develop more deep and meaningful relationships and not waste time with men interested in perhaps only one thing.

(d) Summarize what they gained from doing their reports.

In reading the numerous student reports they all seemed to gain valuable insight and knowledge into relationships and the different perspectives offered by the unity model of marriage. First, in doing the report it helped Shortcake reflect on all that she learned throughout the entire semester. At times she did not think she would make it through he class but she kept an open mind and stuck to the task at hand. She commented on how it was interesting in trying to relate what she learned in class to what she saw in the world.

Second, Cheryl Sabey felt she really learned a lot. She seemed to value the knowledge of the different perspectives within the models of marriage and gender relationships. She learned a lot about the different concepts, which were beneficial to her own life. The models presented in class helped her to look into her own relationship and figure out which model her relationship fell into.

Third, Michelle Horst learned that like the model states the road to unity is a developmental one, which may take many years. She learned that she is on the path to unity in her current relationship. Lastly, in doing the report Caroline Nadalin encountered several obstacles. However she did complete the report. One point she presented which I found interesting was that in her past relationships she experienced “sexual blackmail”. And from doing this report she learned more about the whole concept because prior to the class she did not know she was experiencing sexual blackmail. So from doing the report and taking this class she stated “this class really helps women with their values.”

(e) How do their ideals influence what you yourself think about these issues?

I believed that the ideas expressed by students from previous generations really did not have an influence in regards to what I think about these issues. Some of the ideas expressed I felt were valuable while others I found to be naive. Throughout the class I have been interested and intrigued by the concepts presented in the unity model of marriage. The ideal of anything about the equity model within a relationship never even occurred to me. The ideas and concepts present in class have generated many conversations between my husband and I. In the beginning of the semester he was very skeptical of the idea behind the unity model of marriage.

Now that the class and the semester are coming to an end it is interesting see how far my husband has come in regards to these new concepts. I realized that belief in religion and belief in the afterlife are different however, my husband has started attending church with me once again. I see him making small changes, small nonetheless, but he is still changing. Which is the first step in achieving unity. Therefore while I have not been influenced by the reports from previous generations, the class in general has had a positive influence on me and on my marriage.

The unity model of marriage however, has definitely opened my eyes to the kinds of wonderful relationship a man and woman can experience if they unite with each other on all levels. It has also strengthened my beliefs when it comes to the physical aspect of a relationship. Also the concept of sexual blackmail only strengthened my traditional values.

I think that the women in our class who were married were the ones who benefited most from the class because they were able to evaluate which model of marriage their relationship was in whether it be the male dominance model, equity model, or unity model. As far as the students who are currently in a relationship, I think they have been able to hear the many stories of their classmates and therefore are able to learn from sharing their experiences. For me, I took the unity model to heart; I believe I have actually been able to improve my relationship with my husband. My hope is that he is willing to do the work, which lies ahead.

The Question that I am answering is Question 10

(a) Consider Tables 1a, 1b, 1c in the Lecture Notes, which is in the Section called Sensorimotor, cognitive, And Affective Conjunction. It shows how to construct an ennead chart using the threefold self and the three levels of mentality creating the preference for each model. One illustration is given in the area of sexual behavior.

(b) Explain what has been discussed in class and the Lecture Notes as “sexual blackmail.” Describe the development of your thinking regarding this concept, from initial reaction now. Collect some data on how others you know react to this concept when you explain it to them. How do you interpret their reactions and comments?

To quote the unity model of marriage sexual blackmail is….” According to this cruel social rule, the wife must give her husband sex at a rate that can be mutually negotiated, but she has no legitimate right to rely on her own feelings whether to have sex or when.

Sexual blackmail occurs in society because men are given most of the power and control. Traditionally, women had no say or recourse within their marriage. Men expect their wives to cater to them and be submissive. Today views on this are slowly changing but there are many people who believe in and advocate the submission of women.

As discussed in class, the concept of sexual blackmail falls under the male dominance model. The male dominance model looks for fault with the woman, this leads to discrimination and it is subversive to control women. In the male dominance model, the male is abusive either physically or mentally towards the female. This abuse does not lead to conjunction between a man and a woman. He does not take any of her thoughts, feelings, motivations, or goals into consideration. As far as the act of sex is concerned, the man expects his wife to have sex with him whenever and however he wants it because he feels that it is her obligation to do so. A man can threaten to seek physical satisfaction from another women or threaten to leave her. If she does not have sex with him it is the fault of the wife. This leads to wife bashing and distain of the wife, which is sexual blackmail. When a women is made to feel sluttish and like a prostitute. This is also sexual blackmail.

According to the male dominance model, here are several assumptions that men have in regards to sex:

1) Women use their bodies as tools for controlling men

2) Married women have less interest in sex than unmarried men

3) Unmarried women dress provocatively to show off their bodies, to entice a man

4) Wives should think that when they say no to sex they are hurting a good man who wants to be faithful

5) When wives say no to sex they are depriving their husbands and are enforcing abstinence

6) It is inappropriate for a wife to say no to sex—it is like a husband refusing to have a conversation with her

7) Men need more sex and wives should provide it

8) Men are taught that showing their feelings is a sign of weakness

The concept of sexual blackmail goes against the unity model because the emphasis of the relationship is on the physical aspect. Furthermore, it places the woman in a subordinate position to the man. The relationship does not seek intimacy and unification. It seeks satisfaction for the man.

Prior to taking this class, I had never heard of “sexual blackmail.” When I first encountered this, I realized how detrimental a relationship could be, especially for a woman, if sexual blackmail is involved. In my opinion, the physical aspect of a relationship is often the act of showing love to one another. While it provides wonderful physical sensations, I realize now that there is more to it than that. I believe that if there is mental intimacy and unity, then physical intimacy will undoubtedly follow and be wonderful. Sexual blackmail, however, objectifies women is hurtful to woman and makes them feel as if their only purpose is to physically satisfy a man.

I hold very traditional values on the issue of physical intimacy within a relationship. Perhaps this is because I am older and I have experienced more of life. Today young people are so eager to rush into relationships, especially physical relationships no matter what the cost. They often loose sight of the consequences from relationships of this type. They often fail to consider the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy or mental and physical abuse. We need to have more emphasis placed on morals and values in our society. Then maybe, just maybe, young people would not be so willing to jump into physical relationships. People today must have similar values; they must have respect and compassion for each other before the relationship becomes physical. After studying and discussing this concept of sexual blackmail, it strengthened what I believed in when it comes to the physical aspect of a relationship.

When I spoke to several of my friend’s, both male and female, about this concept of sexual blackmail, I experienced many different reactions. Some of the women I spoke to got rather upset. The one’s that did so were the women who ultimately evaluated their relationships as being purely physical. The men, on the other hand, became very upset, for different reasons. Many of the men I spoke to indicated that this concept was just a way of stereotyping men. Many of the men stated simply…” not all men are like this and many of them do value women for something other than just sex objects”.

I also spoke to my husband about the notion of sexual blackmail. He told me that when he was in college, he came to the conclusion that there were two kinds of men. He concluded that there were the kind of men who respected women and the kind that did not. He went on to tell me many stories of his fraternity brothers who basically treated their girlfriends as nothing more then sex objects. My husband is one of seven children five of them are boys. His parents have been married for fifty-three years. I believe that his parents were great role models to him and his brothers. They instilled in their children a sense of values. I feel fortunate to have found a man who came from a family with strong moral fiber. I am very proud of the fact that my husband is a man of integrity.

(c) Copy Table 1c and replace the characterization of each illustration (in each cell) into an example of your won. Think of a couple you know in reality or from TV. The three tables should cover these three topics: (i) housework, (ii) jealousy, (iii) a third area of your own choosing.

(c)